More Mindless Stories on ‘american idol recap’
Jun
18
18
Vonzell Solomon: The Latest Airport Terrorist?
In, “I Forgot You Existed Until I Read This Story and Then Remembered That You Do Exist, You Aren’t Dead, and You Used to Be on a Show, But Haven’t Thought of You in Years and After Thinking About It Am a Little Surprised You Haven’t Done More With Your Career” news, Vonzell Solomon from American Idol, a few years ago, was stopped by the Florida airport security when they went through her bag and found a gun. Yes, a gun. Being an ex American Idol contestant is highly dangerous lifestyle.
Vonzell issued the following statement: “I in no way intended to enter the plane with a firearm. I was rushing to make a scheduled flight and simply did not realize it was in my handbag until I went through security.”
That’s funny because I said, literally, the exact same thing yesterday morning about my 4 oz deodorant when the screeners found me trying to smuggle it onto the plane in my carry on bag.
Also noteworthy, (A) why does Vonzell have a gun and (B) why didn’t she bring it with her on stage while she was on Idol? If she fired it into the air while singing “I Will Always Love You” I would have voted 3 additional times for her……er…uh…I mean, I would have voted for her.
May
22
22
David Cook Wins American Idol
Posted by IBBB
american idol recap 
Ugh. Watching the American Idol finale was like running a marathon. Whilst watching I had people handing me little cups of water so I could dump it over my head and they also handed me orange slices to keep up my energy. I guess it’s no real surprise who won, but what was really surprising are the Ranom McRandomson’s that are scattered all throughout the audience. We had Terry Hatcher in the audience, Janice Dickinson, Jerry Springer, and Melinda Dootlittle. Ok, so she’s not a celebrity, but I had to toss her in.
What was also mind-numbing, besides the whole thing, were the recaps of the God-awfully acted and sung commercials with the whole “Idol Gang” singing and driving terribly ugly Ford’s. Who the hell drives American cars anymore? Later, there were some type of reenactment of Gladys Knight with “the Pips” in the background which consisted of Ben Stiller, Jack Black, and Robert Downy Jr. It was funny for about 4 seconds, but then they sang the entire song of “Midnight Train to Georgia.”
Right before they announced the winner the whole “Idol Gang- Girls” sang “Faith” by George Michael and then the whole “Idol Gang – Dudes” sang “Father Figure.” Then, all the guys and girls sang “Freedom” by George Michael. Hmm, I wonder if the big surprise is that George Michael is there. Oh wait, there is he is. How on earth did they ever manage to actually get George Michael…I mean with his public masturbation in public restrooms and falling asleep in cars due to excessive drug use? George Michael sings some random depressing song that almost forces me to lapse into a coma, but I stay alive long enough to see Paula Abdul lose her shit and break down into a crying mess. At one point they basically do a split-screen of George Michael singing and Paula crying. I cry, in turn, for myself.
At the end of the 6-hours, in which I will never ever get back in my life, the winner was announced. Congratulations David Cook you’re still in the running towards becoming America’s Next Top Model. Oh wait, no, just congratulations. Now go bang Clay Aiken at your reunion tour.
May
15
15
Is Fantasia Having a Stroke?
So I thought I’d put on the American Idol last night that all the kids are watching and figured I’d regret it. I didn’t. I’m grateful to my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, that I put it on at just the right time. Did anyone see Fantasia “perform” last night? Well, I’m pretty sure the stage must have smelled like burnt toast because I think Fantasia was having a mix between a stroke and a couple of seizures while she sang. No joke, Fantasia is the ugliest singer ever. I don’t mean she is ugly and a singer. I mean while she sings, she sings ugly….kinda like people are ugly when they cry…..same thing. Simon’s face was priceless while Fantasia was declaring jihad on stage (as seen above). Enjoy this clip…..while it lasts.
Apr
30
30
Oh Paula, No No Paula, No No
Posted by IBBB
american idol recap 
I was moments away from slipping into a coma watching the American Idol kids sing Neil Diamond songs when all of a sudden Paula came to life like Vicki the robot from Small Wonder. In case you missed it, each contestant would sing their one song without any critique from the “judges.” After each sang their first song, and only their first song, all the crackheads came back onto the stage so the judges could give quick feedback. Ok, so that’s the first red flag. There’s no way that in a time constraint pressure situation Paula would be on her game. And she wasn’t. Paula gave feedback for both of Jason’s songs. Oh and the only thing was that he only sang one song. Randy jumped in like child embarrassed of his aging parent and tells Paula that Jason only sang one song and Paula says, “You didn’t sing 2 songs?” Oh Paula, no no. No no Paula. I’m pretty sure Paula smelled burnt toast and was in process of having a massive stroke. At one point I’m almost positive I saw smoke coming out of Paula’s ears. Poor Vicki the Robot was about to combust! Why Paula’s reality show didn’t do better is amazing to me. I would like to just follow Paula around for 48 hrs and see what it was like.
Sidenote, my favorite of the night was Syesha Mercado. There I said it. You know if Kristy Lee Cook was still in it she would have been singing “America” dressed in army fatigues and healing lepers right on the stage. Too bad for her.
Updated With Clip Below:
Apr
10
10
Idol Doesn’t Give Me Back My Time
Posted by IBBB
american idol recap 
Idol may be giving back, but they’re not giving me back my time wasted while watching this crap. So I think to myself, “IBBB, you dirt-bag, maybe you should check out “The Idol” and maybe you should recap the crap out of it.” Here’s how far I got…-
Sweet I love, “Please don’t stop the music.” Hmm where is Rihanna? Why are there so many people on stage? Wait, is that Paula singing the “please don’t stop the music” part? Why are all these people dancing? Why are there so many people on stage? Wait, is Syesha Mercado actually Rihanna? I’m confused. Why is that kid with the dreads singing too? Oh crap now they’re all on stage…in a line…singing. Did Rihanna sign off on this crap? Oh God now all the Idol kids are moving and singing, that’s never a good mix. Sweet Jesus why is David EatYaLettuce singing “mamma say mamma sa mamma macusa?” Why? Why is this happening? I’m a good person, why? Crap now there’s a 250 pound women doing African tribal dance moves. Jennifer Hudson? She’s moving too quickly, I can’t tell. Now guys in tights and black vests are doing spins. They won’t stop twirling. They can’t stop. Mamma say mamma sa mamma macusa. The lights won’t stop flashing. The dance moves won’t stop. Help me, I think I’m having a seizure. Oh my God this is it, this is how I’m going to die. The police are going to find me days later in my apartment having non-stop seizures on my floor and slurring “mamma say mamma sa mamma macusa.
-
I quit.
