More Mindless Stories on ‘american idol recap’

American Idol Dallas Recap in 17 Bullets

• I don’t even know why I’m recapping this episode.  I think if I type while watching it somehow erases the fact that I’m a grown man who actually still watches this show.  It could be worse, however.  I could be doing what Seacrest is doing at the start of the show which is standing on top of a building dressed like Tiger Woods in a red polo shirt and black pants and screaming THIS is AMERICAN Idol.  Why does he always say it like that?  He puts so much emphasis on those words that he ends up sounding like a rabid rapist in heat screaming at the homeless woman he’s got chained up to the rusty dumpster behind the corner bar.  Um.  Whoa.  Just for example.
• If this is American Idol show me the receipts.
• So we end up in Dallas, TX for this round of auditions.  Great.  Women with bleached out hair, penciled in eye brows, and zinc-pink lipstick and guys who look like they just finished having sex with their sister….when in all reality they had sex with their father.  But I digress.  Oh, and Neil Patrick Harris is a guest judge because, you know, that makes any kind of sense.  Maybe next week Carla from “Cheers” will guest judge.  Oh! Or Roz from “Night Court!”
• We kick things off with Julie Kevelighan.  Julie looks like she just gave oral pleasure to Jokey Smurf who, in turn, exploded all over her.  She appears to be the kind of girl who’s about to combust at a moments notice, but not before shooting up her entire office.  American Idol today, 6:00 news tomorrow.  Julie sings “Black Velvet.”  At least I think that was what she sang.  She could have been yelling the Gettysburg Address.  You know who she looks like?  Remember “Montana” from Real World Boston?  Yeah, her.  Big forehead and crazy eyes, a recipe for success in Dallas.
• Neil Patrick Harris is taking this crap very serious.  He just told some guy, who I just assume is Ruben Studdard, that he likes him, but he needs to have more pizazz.  Really Doogie?  Take it down a notch and stop dressing like Ellen while you’re at it.
• Should Randy Jackson really say to a female contestant, “You can really blow, man.”  The girl responds, “Oh thank you” and suddenly I think I’m more interested in her than I was just 15 seconds ago.
• I wonder if the producers instruct the contestants to act like they’re having a seizure in front of the camera when they get their “golden ticket.”  It’s the worst.  Everyone does this fidgety dance and pulls on the piece of the paper while they scream into the camera and their family (of cling-ons) chases after them in the background.  It’s all terrible.
• It’s been about 39 seconds since our last crazy, so let’s bring out Dexter Ward.  Sporting a thicker Hitler mustache and orange faux-hawk, Dexter practically vogues his way into the audition room, but not before winking at the camera with his eye and mouth about 10 times.  He’ll be singing “If I Ever Fall In Love” by Shai.  He’s partially singing it and partially sassin’ like he’s on Maury Povich and being told his “girlfriend” is having a baby with his “best friend.”  He doesn’t make it to Hollywood, but he does make it onto this blog so, well, there’s that.
• Ryan is spending a lot of 1 on 1 time with Neil Patrick Harris.  That’s all I’m going to say about that.  That. Is. All.
• I love you, you’ll whip me, we’re an F’d up family.  Erica, who used to be on Barney and Friends when she was little is apparently still alive and wearing all leather and even brought a whip to her performance.  She’s singing “Free Your Mind” by En Vouge and, spoiler alert, she gets through to Hollywood.  I guess if you get molested by a purple dinosaur during your youth, society really owes you one, you know?
• I miss Paula.
• So a contestant has Tourette’s.  I know, I know, you think I’m going to make a cheap joke.  I’m not.  I hope he makes it as this may increase the chances he calls Simon a mother f*cker s*ck b*alls pig whore during judging.  As a sidenote, similar to OCD and Hoarding, I think I can catch Tourette’s just by watching someone who has it.  He makes it to Hollywood, but Iwill be changing the channel when he comes on before I end up f*ck you, c*ock sucker skank d*ck!
• Oh awesome we’re switching up the guest judge.  I wonder who it’s going to be? Kill. Me.  Joe Jonas?  What?  Terrible.  I actually think it’s just Paula wearing a shaggy wig.
• Joe Jonas is doing a great job so far.  He’s just said, “yeah” the entire time.  Sadly it seems like Neil Patrick Harris is more qualified at this point.
• Vanessa, the human equivalent of Bubblicious, sings “At Last” by Etta James.  She most certainly on a meth binge and I’m thinking of taking up a drug addiction just to get me through the rest of this show.  Why do I do it every time?
• Finally we end the night of horror with Christian Spears.  Before she even sings one note we get the entire back story of how she had cancer as a child.  Hmm, do you think they’ll send her through after showing us this?  She sings her dress off and makes it to Hollywood.  Good for her.  Good for everyone.  Well, not me, but it’s nice to see some people are experiencing success in life.
• It’s finally over.  I’m going bathe in bleach.  Adios.

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American Idol Recap: Boston, Wicked Pissah! Who’s Singin’ Unbreak My Haaaaahht?

Sully!  Aahh ya kiddin’ me?  Stahtin’ American Idol off in Boston (baby!) is so retahhded I can’t even stand it.  Had I known, I woulda gone ‘cuz I sing wicked pissah in the showah. I can belt out “Smooth Opahratah” by Sade like nobodies business. My muthah always says it to me.

Anyway, I can never commit to doing a consistent American Idol recap as each week it’s on like 6 times for two hours each time and, well, if I ever plan on doing stuff like socializing and sex again, I’m going to want to leave my apartment from time to time.  However, I’m doing neither tonight so let’s go!  Here’s what went down over the course of two hours (mixed with many beers) on American Idol.

• Wow.  2 seconds in and I remember how much this show makes me so embarrassed.  They’re taking all these camera shots of people screaming, “No! I’m the next American Idol” the way that you yell “no” to a rapist who’s following you home from the bar.  Why do you always run so fast from me?
• I’m so psyched that they’re starting with Boston.  Oh.  And they’re also starting with Postoria Beckham.  I miss Paula already.
• Holy hot-pink muffin top!  We’re starting with Janet.  Janet, who we’ll just pretend works at Home Depot because I’m sure it’s not too far of a stretch, has mastered the American Idol karaoke game and computerized Simon always gives her positive feedback.  She’s a shoe-in!  Once my Speak-n-Spell said (insert robot voice) “c-o-n-g-r-a-t-u-l-a-t-i-o-n-s” after I spelled “encyclopedia” correctly, but you don’t see me joining in on a Spelling Bee do you?  Anygut, Janet preps for her song by jumping up and down in the bathroom and, I sh*t you not, actually yells “you’re wicked awesome.”  I would laugh out loud if  only her stereotypical Boston vocabulary wasn’t so dead on.  She ends up singing “Pocketful of Sunshine.”  She nails it.  I’m kidding.  She sounded like my drunken 2nd grade nun.  When can we buy this on iTunes?  Janet also thinks that one of the judges is Paula Abdul.  It’s not Paula. It’s Kara.  She may not have recognized her as she looked about 198 pounds sitting next to Sticks Beckham who, for some inexplicable reason, is dressed like La Isla Bonita.
• Can someone tell Simon that he needs to specifically tan the lines around his eyes?  He looks like he’s wearing cat make-up every time he smiles.  He should steal some of Seacrest’s bronzer.
• Maddy is the first person heading to Hollywood.  She’s 16, has 3 brothers who have Downs Syndrome, and sings “Hallelujah”  Yeah, nice set up, “Idol.”  There’s no way they were going to say “no” after watching that montage.
• Pat Ford, from Derry NH (sorry, Derry) is singing Womanizer by Britney Spears.  He also yells “Holla!” every 3 seconds and slaps his hips on a constant loop.  I’m actually pretty sure this is one of Victoria Beckham’s sons.  Schecky Beckham, I believe.
• Some good “singers” are mixed into the rest of the mess.  This is done partially so we can know who we’ll see in Hollywood and partially because it makes the producers of American Idol not feel so bad for highlighting those who are most likely on suicide watch as I type this.
• Speaking of suicide watch, we are only 30 minutes in?  Crap.  Well, time to double up on the beers and, no, I’m not kidding.
• Capitalizing on the success of Jersey Shore, we get to go inside the home of Armadeo and his Italian family from Rhode Island.  Lots of gel, lots of wax, and maybe a poof or two.  Later he sings.  Well, he yells.  All the judges like him.  Me?  I was hiding under my couch because I thought a tornado warning alarm was ringing, but it was just his singing “Hoochie Coochie.”  Personally, I like when Charro did it better.
• Next up, we have Derek Hilton who claims he sounds like a mix between Chris Brown and The Eagles.  He claims he likes Chris Brown because of the way he touches kids all around the world.  If by “touches” he means “punches” and by “kids” he means “Rihanna” and by “all around the world” he means “in their car after a pre-Grammy party” then, yeah, I guess I get it.  No, no I don’t.  Fail.
• Isn’t Victoria Beckham giving singing critique kind of like Nell Carter giving “coming back to life” advice?
• Now’s lets give a nice warm round of applesauce to Mere (Mary) Doyle.  Mere likes Japananimation, having yellow teeth, and looking like the original Becky from “Roseanne.”  I’m kidding.  Only three of those things are true.  She sings a song by Janice Joplin….or Jody Foster….or Judy Blume.  I’m not really sure, as I ran to the kitchen to, you guessed it, open another beer.  Apparently a keg will be needed for next weeks episode.
• Ugh.  I hate the part when people start doing the bee-boppin-scat-jazzin-finger-snappin singing.  Bring back the crazies and someone get Poshtoria a bacon, egg, and cheese on a multigrain before we have to add some additional pounds via green-screen computer animation.
• We wrap up the hour with Andrew Felon who is probably the most entertaining thus far.  I mean, sure he’s as fake as a season of The Hills, but hell even The Hills is entertaining from time to time.  He has a sass-off with Simon and then with Kara.  Why does Kara always lean forward every single time she speaks, kinda like she’s bidding on a set of ladies golf clubs in Contestants Row on “The Price is Right.”
• Alright so we’re 1 hour in.  I’ve newly sh*t, shower, shaved, shellacked, and yelled “Snooki” out my 30th floor window.  I’m ready to wrap this bitch up!  I’m cracking another beer and am going to keep drinking until I shed beer tears over Paula not being here…and here we go….
• In “The Singer Aaliyah Has Come Back to Life” news, we have Ashley.  She sings something by Alicia Keys and is pretty hot.  If this singing doesn’t work out for her she can totally be a newscaster on WHDH Channel 7, Boston.  However, she sings great.  Although she seems like the kind of girl that wouldn’t give you the time of day at a bar and by “you” I mean “me.”  If Paula was here (moment of silence) she’d tell Ashley, “I love your spirit and your zest for life and I can see your heart.  You make me wanna hug you and put you on my fireplace and…who’s there?  Did someone just say something?  Simon.  Coke.”
• Some kid just informed us he fell out of a tree and shattered both his wrists.  Nice try buddy.  Switching hands during “self pleasure” is such a rookie mistake.  I hope you learned your lesson.  Perv.  He finishes things up by singing “Let’s Get It On.”  Great, we have Adam Lambert’s skinnier brother on the show.  Yuck I hate that joke I just wrote.  Screw it, I’m keeping it.
• Finally someone with a true Boston accent.  Enter: Lisa Olivero.  She’s from Billerica and works at Joe’s American Bar and Grill where, I believe, they shit in your mashed potatoes.  She’s dressed like Snooki, has a partial freakin’ poof, and looks about 45 due to assumed excessive tanning.  She sings “Vision of Love” by Mariah Carey and she sounds sooooo good.  In fact, she sounds just like all the drunken girls who sing at the top of their lungs at Clark’s in Faneuil Hall in the summer.  I’m kidding, she’s terrible.  Although I would never say that to her face as she is more than likely to kick the crap out of my arse.
• We’ve had a few additional good singers tossed into the mix with some heartbreaking touching stories.  I may or may not have fallen asleep for a few minutes with my computer on my lap.  I almost burnt my penis over American Idol?  Again.
• Celebrity Spawn Alert: The love child of “Earth Wind and Fire’s” Verdine White and Lisa Bonet from The Cosby Show, I am proud to introduce Noberto Guerrero.  Noberto sings Cascada’s “Every Time We Touch” and that’s just the boring part!  For some reason, Noberto has stolen Jody Watley’s hair from her “Looking For a New Love” video and the clothes off of Michael Jackson’s dead body seconds before the ambulance came to pick him up.  However, my favorite part is his “The Count” from Sesame Street eyebrows that, mathematically speaking, are a direct match.  Song fail.  Human success.
• Almost over!  The Nigerian kid as good and the chick, Leah, at the end was great.  See?  I can be nice.  Goooood night!  Drop mic.

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American Idol Recap: I Got 18 Bullets and a Bitch Ain’t 1.

The President of the United States almost rudely interrupted the American Idol Results Show last night.  So rude.  In case you missed his speech, let me sum it up for you:  The world is going to f’n explode, but if you cover your mouth when you sneeze you may not get the Swine Flu.

Moving on, here’s what went down last night on American Idol.  THIS is the recap:

• Sweet! I think Paula may already be drunk-tank tonight!  She has all this jewelry all over herself.  I think she has some earrings stapled to the side of her head and going down her dress.
• Wow, we’re starting the Ford commercial right off the bat.  I have no idea what it was about, but I did learn something.  I will never, not only, buy a Ford, I also won’t drive with anyone who drives a Ford.  New rule! Implement it.
• Is Allison really tall or is everyone just under 5 feet?
• Is it just me or is Adam Lambert slowly getting the “T-Boz” haircut from TLC?  Hat 2 da back!
• Now it’s time to watch a clip of “the gang” making birthday cakes because, you know, that has anything to do with singing.  Everyone seems to be wearing the same shirt and hat for some reason.  The segment ends with all the kids having a wild food fight and trashing a multi-million dollar home.  Wasting food and trashing a house you can’t afford? Priceless.
• Results time!
• Matt and his costume rosary beads (I’m sure Jesus is pumped) head to the right of the stage
• Danny and his magical eyeglasses head to the left side of the stage
• Allison and her Kool-Aid hair head to the left side of the stage
• Kris heads to the right side of the stage
• Adam “T-Boz” Lambert heads to the middle of the stage and must choose which side he should stand next to.  He should just grab a seat next to the judges.  Perhaps sit on Randy’s face.  Just sayin’.  He stands next to Allison and Danny, but they are safe so Ryan escorts Adam next to Matt and Kris.  I don’t even know what I’m typing at this point.  It’s like I’m trying to exit a maze.
• Paula, who is shocked, declares that they should just call it a 5-way tie.  That’s helpful Paula, thanks.
• Highlight of the Episode:  Kara says her mouth just opens when she sees Adam.  The joke writes itself at this point. Paula chimes in 45 minutes later with an “excuse me???”  Paula’s meds have her on a 5 second delay for the sensors.
• Natalie Cole is in the house, ladies and gentlemen! She, like Adam, is very close to rocking the T-Boz.  It must the hairstyle of choice this season. Doesn’t she still need a kidney?  They should make that part of the show.  Dial 888-IDOL-03 if you want to give your kidney to Natalie. 
• SOOUUULLLL PATROL!  Taylor Hicks.  Ouch.  I’d rather see Natalie Cole sing again.  I’d actually rather see her kidney sing.  Dial 888-IDOL-04 if you want to see Natalie Cole’s kidney sing.  Remember, these are 888 numbers, not 800 numbers so watch when you dial.
•   Mini-Results Time…..
• Kris is safe.  Nothing funny to say here.
• Jamie Foxx continues his sellout promotional tour and sings to the AI crowd.  Well done.  And by that I mean “zzzzzzzzzzzzz.”
• The real results are in….
• Matt gets the boot.  Adam won’t be chasin’ waterfalls this week.  Full T-Boz next week!

American Idol Results Recap in 18 Bullets

It’s double elimination night on American Idol.  I wish it was a triple elimination, 2 contestants and then American can just vote me out of life.  Here’s what went down on the results show, in proper bullet point format:

• Remember when Ryan Seacrest used to wear camouflage army pants and a jean jacket when he was hosting?  Now he’s in a suit like this show is any form of “important.” 
• Oh crap. Paula is choreographing the “dance number” for the Idol kids.  Why do I have a feeling that the choreography is going to consist of “opening pill bottle” movements and “martini throwback” gestures?
• Who do I turn my United States Citizenship documentation into?  Can the Post Office handle this?  The Idol kids are singing and dancing in tight 70’s (?) clothes and aviator sunglasses.  I am so embarrassed for myself right now. Also, I think Lil Rounds’ ass is doing its own dance.  Moving on.
• Hmmm, when Paula was accepting her flowers on stage her legs were spread so wide we almost caught a glimpse of her “MC Skat Cat.”  So close.  Just two steps forward, or maybe two steps back…and we could have seen it.
• Bad Ford Commercial Alert:  Ugly Ford.
• I’m not sure who they were trying to confuse or psych out, but they talked about Lil Rounds being a mom and then they kicked her off the show.  Literally.  If that was me I would have just sang the F-word into the microphone until the police dragged me off stage. F it! We’re doin’ it live!
• Damn it, 70’s medley mix.  Someone needs to tell Freida that we can’t hear her when she puts the mic down.  No joke, at one point they close up on Paula laughing and putting one finger in her ear.  I love the drug-balanced Paula. 
• Thelma Houston comes out dressed like that chick from 2 seasons ago who was dressed like Big Bird with all the yellow feathers.  Remember that lady?  Thelma’s boobs are up to her chin and the front of her skirt is 2 centimeters south of her Peekaboo.
• It gets worse, KC from KC and the Sunshine Band.  I feel like I’m at a terrible wedding.  I almost want to dance around my coffee table with a dollar and a tambourine to see if I win a prize. Sidenote, KC is dressed like Keenan Ivory Wayans.
• Back to elimination….
• Kris is safe for another week, which is good news for Paula because I’m pretty sure she’s either doing sex to him or wants to do sex to him.
• Adam Lambert, looks like he’s in a costume for a children’s rock-n-roll play, is safe.  More cat screeches next week.
• Danny Gokey’s glasses are not safe, but he is. Hopefully next week he’ll be sporting some Sally Jesse Raphael red glasses.
• Anoop, fresh off his Oscar win, is in the bottom 2.  I believe Randy would call the bottom 2 “the slums,” dog.
• Alison and her Peg Bundy wig are both in the bottom 2.
• Matt is safe. No funny comment can be thought up at this time.
• Time to Suffer Alert: David Archuletta is singing.  Wait, this isn’t actually a joke?  Bathroom break.
• The results are in.  Anoop got the boot. Peeeeeeace.

American Idol Recap in 25 Bullet Points

Sometimes I like recapping the American Idol Results show because it usually makes me cringe with embarresment…kinda like when you’re counting your money when you walk by a homeless person and quickly put it in your pocket and say you don’t have any as soon as they ask you for some cash. Kinda like that. Anycrest, let’s recap American Idol in bullet points? You with me? To hell with ya if you’re not. I’m leaving without you. Let’s go!

• THIS is American Idol.  Seriously, no shit it is.  Why does Cresty always focus on the “this?”  Tomorrow I’m going to greet people by saying GOOD morning.
• Sweet! Pickler is on the show tonight!  Boobs with a wig in a burlap sack.  Sounds like entertainment to me!
• Paula is wearing dinner gloves, that’s always a good sign because it makes me think she got tanked at lunch and stopped at an iParty to by these gloves.  She’s basically wearing a tank top and dinner gloves.  The world rocks!
• Pointless Surprise Alert:  Frankie Avalon makes a surprise guest appearance! How did they ever book him!?  I bet he was working the register at iParty when Paula was picking up her gloves.  You think these kids have any idea who this dude is?  I’m pretty sure they think it’s Joe Biden.  Hell, Ithink it’s Joe Biden.
• Brady Bunch Silver Platters Group Song Alert:  Ouch.  It’s “Can’t Get You Outta My Head.”  Everyone seems to be wearing flannel shirts.  Is this a lesbian song?  P.S The blind dude keeps holding on to the person in front of him. I guess that’s safe.  Actually, good for him for dancing and moving around the stage.  I’m a miserable douche.
• If I wanted to hear Adam Lambert screech and sing I’d strangle the hoooker to death who stands in front of my building.  Forget it, I already said it.  I’m going to strangle the hooker anyway.
• Ford Music Video Commercial Alert: It’s a magic show? F’n stupid.  Can they make me disappear?  Or die?  I’ll take either at this point.
• Wait, they’re singing Circus from Britney Spears.  Does she know about this crap? Terrible. All the Idol kids applaud after it’s over because they’re so “proud” of their work.  How come we never never see these commercials on actual television?
• Celebrity Alert: The mayor of Kalamazoo is in the audience.  They applaud him for some reason.  Doesn’t someone need to run the city? Is Kalamazoo in the United States?  Maybe it’s like Puerto Rico.  No idea.
• Elimination time!
• Adam Lambert is safe. The coyotes in the canyon get to howl for another week.
• Kris is safe.  Who is Kris?
• Anoop is in the bottom 3. I doubt he’ll go home.  Americans loved Slumdog Millionaire.
• Flo Rida comes out to sing.  All the judges are gone.  They leave for this?   This is the best part of the show!  They should’ve left when the kids were doing their group song.
• Danny Gokey is safe. I hope next week he wears his Sally Jesse Raphael eyeglasses.
• Matt (with the forehead pimple) is safe after Crest gave him the lamest psychout ever.  How does Cresty sleep at night?
• Scott is in the bottom 3.  Cresty escorts him to the chair like he’s courting him.
• Alison and her braces are safe. Hopefully we get to see her headgear.
• Lil Rounds. Lil Rounds. Lil Rounds.  Just wanted to say her name three times. Lil is in the bottom three.  Bring on Pickler.
• Watching Anoop, Lil, and Scott is like sitting in on a meeting at the UN.
• Pick Pickler! She’s back! Whoa.  She’s looking kinda like Julianne Hough and that’s a good thing.
• Lil Rounds is safe.  Phew, I guess.  I hope next week she sings “Sittin’ Up in My Room” next week.  That song will totally save her. 
• Finally, it’s the end.  I almost made it!  Scott gets the boot. Well that sucks.  See how nice I was for just saying that?
• American Idol Hates Blind People Alert:  They didn’t decide to save him.  Damn that soap poisoning!
• The end.

American Idol Results Show: Please Let the Sun Go Down on Me

Ugh. Where to begin?  The show kicked off like robotic bat out of robotic hell when the Idol kids started to sing “Hot and Cold” by Katy Perry.  I hate this part of the show the most.  It’s like watching the Brady kids turn themselves into the Silver Platters and belt out a horrific tune.  Yuck, my ears.  At one point I don’t think anyone was singing the right words.  Luckily, I’m pretty sure they were lip-syncing this piss out of the song anyway.  I think they even dubbed in a choir.  All terrible.  All of it.  You know Lil Rounds is dying a little more inside with each group song she must sing.

Here are some more low-lights from the “results” episode:

• I thought that dude that sang “Hey There Delilah” kicked ass.  Yeah, I said it.  I’m sure he won’t make it through.  I’m sure America will vote for the kid that dressed like Cherri Johnson.  Umph, I miss Betty Johnson.
• When people sing the lyrics, “Don’t let the sun go down on me” I always snicker and say out loud, “Ha, down on me.  That’s great.”
• Nathaniel continued on his “I’m just having fun…I like fun…..fun is fun….you want to see fun….you said I’m fun…fun…fun…fun. Oh, and fun.”  That kid is the worst.  I hope he has fun fun fun until is father takes away his t-bird.
• Lil Rounds made her ass into the final three.  I’m a loser, so I’m psyched.  I hope she sings “Sitting Up in My Room” next time.  I’m sure Paula will request that Lil sings the phonebook, but like will really wants her to sing the  actual phonebook.  Hopefully she’ll start with AAA Plumbing.
• They pick off the front row like we’re surprised.
• Scott the blind dude made it through.  Ok, here’s the thing.  Yeah he’s blind, but I don’t think he’s 100% blind.  He’s like 98% blind.  Unless he brings a seeing-eye-pony out on stage with him and only plays the harmonica I’m not going to overly feel bad for him.  I would also pay millions if during his performance Ryan just yelled out, “The audience is the other way.”  Fine.  See you in hell.  You guys are no fun.  Just because I won’t discriminate against the blind kid doesn’t mean I’m mean.
• Cherri Johnson and Skank-Face Barbie got the boot. See you on Season 5 of Sober House!
• Jesse McCartney and the girl who looks like the new Idol judge got the boot….right up the pooper.  See you both in the subway!
• Ugh. Jorge (the real life MC Skat Cat) made it too.  He beat out the dude that sang “Hey There Delilah.”  That sucks, although I get once more chance to giggle when he sings, “Don’t let the sun go down on me.”  Hahaha, down on me.  That’s great. Wait, they don’t even let him sing that crap?  I never get ANYTHING I want when I watch Idol.  Although I think I may have caught crabs from it once.  They jumped through my TV, but I digest.
• Finally, it’s time for the Wild Card.  Sounds tedious.  I’m in! Oh wait, we have to wait until tomorrow? That’s dumb. Wait nevermind, they are narrowing it down to the judges top 8. The Top 8 random wild card maybes are:
• Jesse McCartney – Paula tells him to let go of worry and be himself.
• Jasmine Murray – no clue who she is.  Kara literally tells Jasmine to “kill us.”  Done and done.
• Ricky Bradie – no clue.  And I spelled his name wrong, I’m sure.  Maybe they said Ricky Bobby…or Justin Bobby!
• Megan – Sweet!  Hopefully we can see more of that crazy windmill dance she was doing.
• Tatiana Del Torro – Thank GOD!  The only reason to watch this show, really.  She cries, she bows her head, and she’s wearing a one-piece bathing suit top. 
• Matt – I’m pretty sure he has sticks of dynamite strapped under his jacket.  Good planning, actually.
• Jessie Red Hair – that was kind of a surprise.  Didn’t they hate her last week? Maybe that was me.  No way of knowing.
• Anoop  – Ugh. I am all Slumdog Millionaired out! 
• Yes!  Jorge is singing “Don’t let the sun go down on me.” Hahaha down on me.  That’s great.

My mind is numb.  I’m never doing this again.

Vonzell Solomon: The Latest Airport Terrorist?

David Cook Wins American Idol

Ugh. Watching the American Idol finale was like running a marathon. Whilst watching I had people handing me little cups of water so I could dump it over my head and they also handed me orange slices to keep up my energy. I guess it’s no real surprise who won, but what was really surprising are the Ranom McRandomson’s that are scattered all throughout the audience. We had Terry Hatcher in the audience, Janice Dickinson, Jerry Springer, and Melinda Dootlittle. Ok, so she’s not a celebrity, but I had to toss her in.

Is Fantasia Having a Stroke?

Oh Paula, No No Paula, No No

I was moments away from slipping into a coma watching the American Idol kids sing Neil Diamond songs when all of a sudden Paula came to life like Vicki the robot from Small Wonder. In case you missed it, each contestant would sing their one song without any critique from the “judges.” After each sang their first song, and only their first song, all the crackheads came back onto the stage so the judges could give quick feedback. Ok, so that’s the first red flag. There’s no way that in a time constraint pressure situation Paula would be on her game. And she wasn’t. Paula gave feedback for both of Jason’s songs. Oh and the only thing was that he only sang one song. Randy jumped in like child embarrassed of his aging parent and tells Paula that Jason only sang one song and Paula says, “You didn’t sing 2 songs?” Oh Paula, no no. No no Paula. I’m pretty sure Paula smelled burnt toast and was in process of having a massive stroke. At one point I’m almost positive I saw smoke coming out of Paula’s ears. Poor Vicki the Robot was about to combust!

Idol Doesn’t Give Me Back My Time

Idol may be giving back, but they’re not giving me back my time wasted while watching this crap. So I think to myself, “IBBB, you dirt-bag, maybe you should check out “The Idol” and maybe you should recap the crap out of it.” Here’s how far I got…

• Sweet I love, “Please don’t stop the music.” Hmm where is Rihanna? Why are there so many people on stage? Wait, is that Paula singing the “please don’t stop the music” part? Why are all these people dancing? Why are there so many people on stage? Wait, is Syesha Mercado actually Rihanna? I’m confused. Why is that kid with the dreads singing too? Oh crap now they’re all on stage…in a line…singing. Did Rihanna sign off on this crap? Oh God now all the Idol kids are moving and singing, that’s never a good mix. Sweet Jesus why is David EatYaLettuce singing “mamma say mamma sa mamma macusa?” Why? Why is this happening? I’m a good person, why? Crap now there’s a 250 pound women doing African tribal dance moves. Jennifer Hudson? She’s moving too quickly, I can’t tell. Now guys in tights and black vests are doing spins. They won’t stop twirling. They can’t stop. Mamma say mamma sa mamma macusa. The lights won’t stop flashing. The dance moves won’t stop. Help me, I think I’m having a seizure. Oh my God this is it, this is how I’m going to die. The police are going to find me days later in my apartment having non-stop seizures on my floor and slurring “mamma say mamma sa mamma macusa.
• I quit.

American Idol 80’s Night

So it’s 80’s night on American Idol so I figured I would check it out. I mean how bad could it be? I grew up in the 80’s (I was also alive during prehistoric times, but that’s another story) so let’s see how the “guys” do this week as they sing the absolute piss out of 1980’s music. Oh, and my money is on Danny Noriega singing something by Wilson Philips (their early work).

• Wow. Note to self, unless you are actually George Michael under no circumstance should you be singing “Wake Me Up Before You Go Go” as Luke has done. Hey Luke, a good rule of thumb is that you should stay away from any song that has the words “go-go” in it. You’ll thank me later. If you’re going to sing it you might as well as shave off your beard and put that pink tutu on again. Yowza and why the hell is he singing so high? Dogs are barking outside of my apartment…although it could just be the homeless guy who is tormenting them.
• You know it’s bad when Randy asks “Are you having a good time up there?” My answer would be, “Randy, go F yourself. Now stop the smalltalk and give me my critique.”
• Paula told Luke she really liked his instrument. I love a perverted Paula.
• Oh crap, here comes the new Melinda Doolittle or “Giggles McLaughs-Alot” as I like to call him….David Archulettuce.
• Great, he chose Phil Collins. 2 things I hate: The British and songs that make me feel like I’m heading off to a funeral….my own. Does David shop in the boys department? I mean, I’m sure he’s in a “toddlers husky” at Sears. Oh that’s right I just punk’d you David Archulettuce!
• If Paula was a teacher and David was in her class, Paula would have sexual intercourse with him and would serve jail time.
• Hi Denise Richards! You looked happy to be there.
• Danny Noriega is absolutely Vanessa Minillo. He’s singing Tainted Love and added some purple streaks in his hair which really butched him up.
• If Danny was a teacher and David was in his class, Danny would have sexual intercourse with him and would serve jail time.
• Paula is trying to give Danny advice, but doesn’t form 1 complete thought. Literally, not one complete thought.
• David Hernandez is talking about his most embarrassing moment. Why isn’t he mentioning his stripper moments? Is that not embarrassing?
• Crap, he’s singing Celine F’n Dion. Does he kinda look like David Copperfield?
• Wait, who the hell are his backup singers? No joke I think one lady is in a Halloween costume.
• If Ryan Seacrest was a teacher and David was in his class, Ryan would have sexual intercourse with him and would serve jail time.
• David Cook is tackling Lionel Richie (not literally). I may regret saying this, but it’s actually good, as the original “Hello” made me want to take a dirt nap. This one only makes me want to take a dirt snooze….that’s different from a dirt nap.
• Simon tells David that he likes it and says it in a way that we’re all supposed to squeal with delight. Oh F you.
• How the hell many people are named David on this show?
• David Castro is up. He makes me nervous, kinda like when you’re walking by that drunken homeless person at like 3 in the morning and even though you’re drunk too you still get a little nervous thinking, “Is this one of those crazy drunken homeless dudes who is so F’d in the head that he’s going to try and stab me with a knife he found in the dumpster.” Yeah, well David Cook makes me nervous like that. Anyone else with me? crickets. crickets. crickets.
• Did Paula just call him Jason?
• Did Simon just call him Jason?
• Wait, his name is Jason? Why did I think it was David? More importantly, how the hell long has this show been on for? I feel like I’m trapped in an America’s Next Top Model MTV marathon. Someone help me. Please.
• Chikezie is up. Didn’t he sing this song 15 times before? I’m done recapping. Even I hate me at this point.

David Hernandez Showed His Dingleberry?

American Idol Recap: Who Goes Home

Ah yes, the Idol is back and is just about ready to kick off 4 people so I thought it was the perfect time to recap that absolute piss out of last nights episode. Who stays? Who goes? How many times will Simon ask Paula what Ryan said? How many peace finger signs will Randy throw up? How many different ways will Paula clap during the show? All this and much much less is answered below. Here’s how the shitstorm went down:

• Perfect! Simon already asked Paula what Ryan just said and Paula whispers that she can’t hear him. Really? He’s standing about 5 feet from you and is talking directly to you. Why is Paula all normal during the first few audition episodes, but then turns into everyones crazy medicated grandmother during the live shows?
• Randy’s dressed like he’s heading to the sock-hop right after the show.
  Paula is trying to say that these kids should have tried to get record deals before they tried out or they shouldn’t be on the show. At least I think that’s what she said. She may have been discussing a recipe for chocolate chip pancakes with a side of home-fries. I’ve lost track.
• Is Ryan fat this season?
• Oh crap. Now’s just about the time when I get embarrassed for myself. The guys are singing as a group and are dressed in suits. That one kid looks like Vanessa Minillo. I forget his name. And the kid with the long blond curly perm looks like Farrah Fawcett.
• Great, here come the girls. Many of them have scarves on their heads. They are now officially dressed for their 60’s routine?
• Wow, it’s only been 12 minutes and I already hate myself more this time this year then last year when Idol was on. This must be a record.
• David Archuletta is officially the Melinda Doolittle from last year.
• Oh, the kids name is Danny Noriega. He’s the one who looks like Vanessa Minillo.
• Jason Castro, for sure, will shoot the place up if he’s kicked off. For sure.
• The kid who looks like Farrah Fawcett just got the boot.
• Garrett, clearly, did such a good job the other night that he got the boot and gets to sing his crappy song again. Why is his mom on stage? He’s totally gonna get stuffed into a locker for that on Monday.
• Amanda Overmyer. Not only does she look like my old lunch lady, but I believe this chick is currently on Big Brother. Is that possible? Maybe they let her out of the house 3 times a week for the Idol?
• Katie Malloy is the skank of the season…I hope. Someone check myspace.
• They tried to pull the old switcheroo with Kristy. She gets to stay, but Amy Davis gets the boot. Good luck with the porn career Amy!
• Paula just told her to “paint that door and that knob.” Huh? She really said that. Does Paula smell burnt toast? Is she having a stroke?
• Holy Mc Skat Cat! They’re playing Paula Abdul’s new music video, which I believe it titled, “Dance Like There’s No Paula Abdul.” I’m already turning red. Oh crap Randy is playing the guitar. Is that Tila Tequila in the background dancing? Oh God this would be like watching your parents singing on stage. Gulp.
• Remember when they stretched out Paula Abdul’s body for the “Promise of a New Day” video? That was brilliant. I miss those days.
• What is the point of this show? Paula is just basically selling herself. I’m confused. Is this still a singing competition?
• Joanne got the boot and looks like she couldn’t care less. I know I couldn’t.
  All the other girls are crying like they are spraying Joanne with bullets as she sings. There’s a war going on. This is ok.
• Colton gets the boot. Vanessa Minillo is already crying in the background.
• Simon tells Colton to get a job and sing on the side because he’ll never make it as a singer. Awesome. This kid should be on dirt nap watch.

This is finally over. It’s painful. Wanna read more about American Idol? Check out this site: American Idol 411

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Dear American Idol Contestants,

Dear American Idol Contestants,