More Mindless Stories on ‘american idol recap’
Well, well, well. So we meet again. Now I got more crap about 2 months ago when I asked which week Crystal Bowersox was going to get her teeth whitened. I mean, I also said that she had a great voice and would probably win the whole thing, but die-hard fans of Bowersox were kind enough to send a death threat or two. I stand by my superficial judgment of her teeth as I’m almost certain American Idol is a teeth competition anyway. So there you have it.
Anyringaroundthetub, Crystal Bowersox (or Powerbox, like my sister likes to call her) really cleaned up nicely last night. The Idol stylists tossed her into a dress that could also be worn at the People’s Choice Awards and they did that thing to her hair that they did to Phoebe from “Friends.” All kidding aside, she looked good and sounded great. And when you can combine both of those things magic happens. I have no idea what that means.
Crystal sang without her guitar or piano and Ryan Seacrest made it seem like she was about to sing without her vocal cords. Either way, it worked for her. Her voice is insanely good. Insanely good. She almost reminded me of Jewel, but not at all. Crystal’s song of choice was “People Get Ready” and couldn’t make it through the entire song with breaking down in tears before the very end. It was reminiscent of when Fantasia cried at the end of “Summertime.” However, Fantasia waited until the song was over before the tears fell and Crystal started the tearing process with about 10 seconds left of the song.
It was a good moment to see. It made her real. Sure she said she was emotional because her dad was there and, well, I believe that, but I also believe that all the pressure of everything that is “Hollywood” is getting to her…like it would get to anyone. She has to deal with Tweet-wars, being the top story on Entertainment Tonight in regards to allegedly threatening to leave American Idol within the first few weeks, and even having to deal with Chatty-Cathy Ryan Seacrest alerting the world that he talked Crystal into not quitting the show. I’m sure this is all getting to her, but if she can just make it through another month of performances she will be cashing in like nobodies business.
Check out the video clip of Crystal singing “People Get Ready” and then doing a little crying towards the end.
You know it’s taken weeks, but I’ve finally figured out where I’ve seen American Idol’s Andrew Garcia before. That’s right folks, I’m talking about Team America: World Police and I am, of course, referencing Kim Jong Il. That’ll be all.
update: July 8, 2010: CRYSTAL BOWERSOX NEW TEETH UPDATE! I repeat, Crystal Bowersox has new teeth. Alert! Alert! Alert!
Crystal Bowersox has taken to her Twitter account to snap a piggity-picture of her brand new smile, which includes some nice new store-bought teef! Clearly the likes of Audrina Patridge and Heidi Montag have been a wonderful influence on Crystal and she’s decided to head out to “el dentist” and fix some of her “problematic” teeth and whiten them while she was at it. Ole!
I got a ton of crap, literally 1 ton, for questioning back on Feb 18th when Crystal would be whitening her teeth. Well I finally have an answer. It look 5 months, but it was well worth it. If new teeth make Crystal feel better then I say good for her. I also say “new teeth for everyone!”
American Idol’s Crystal Bowersox made it into the Top 24. Her teeth, however, did not make it into the Top 100. Seriously, what is up with those brown teeth? What color is that? Is this all part of that “hippie” look that “the kids” are doing these days? If so, you can still totally brush ‘em. At the least she could use some White-Out on them. Come on, give ‘em a good shellac will ya? She’s such a talented singer, but the rotten teeth make me want to turn the channel. I can’t eat when she comes on. Remember “Frankie” from Real World San Diego? I couldn’t eat when she was on either because she looks like she leaves a ring around the tub, all whilst stinking like the basement of a church.
Either way, good luck to her and to me.
Alright folks, Hollywood Week began on American Idol this week and even though I haven’t seen everyone, I’m making an extremely early pick for my top two on Idol. My first pick is Haeley Vaughn. Haeley is just 16 years old from Fort Collins, Colorado and just may be Idols first African American country singer, which I think is awesome. During her Hollywood audition, Haeley sang “Change” by Taylor Swift and did a kick-arse job. Chills factor. She is moving on to the next round and I think if she can make it into the top 24 she’ll go all the way. She’s definitely unique and my guess is that she can sing other genres besides country. I mean, I will turn on her in a heartbeat if she does any kind of rendition of “Sugar Pie Honey Bunch” or “We Are Family.” No joke, she’ll be dead to me. So let’s just hope she makes the right choices.
- I don’t even know why I’m recapping this episode. I think if I type while watching it somehow erases the fact that I’m a grown man who actually still watches this show. It could be worse, however. I could be doing what Seacrest is doing at the start of the show which is standing on top of a building dressed like Tiger Woods in a red polo shirt and black pants and screaming THIS is AMERICAN Idol. Why does he always say it like that? He puts so much emphasis on those words that he ends up sounding like a rabid rapist in heat screaming at the homeless woman he’s got chained up to the rusty dumpster behind the corner bar. Um. Whoa. Just for example.
- If this is American Idol show me the receipts.
- So we end up in Dallas, TX for this round of auditions. Great. Women with bleached out hair, penciled in eye brows, and zinc-pink lipstick and guys who look like they just finished having sex with their sister….when in all reality they had sex with their father. But I digress. Oh, and Neil Patrick Harris is a guest judge because, you know, that makes any kind of sense. Maybe next week Carla from “Cheers” will guest judge. Oh! Or Roz from “Night Court!”
- We kick things off with Julie Kevelighan. Julie looks like she just gave oral pleasure to Jokey Smurf who, in turn, exploded all over her. She appears to be the kind of girl who’s about to combust at a moments notice, but not before shooting up her entire office. American Idol today, 6:00 news tomorrow. Julie sings “Black Velvet.” At least I think that was what she sang. She could have been yelling the Gettysburg Address. You know who she looks like? Remember “Montana” from Real World Boston? Yeah, her. Big forehead and crazy eyes, a recipe for success in Dallas.
- Neil Patrick Harris is taking this crap very serious. He just told some guy, who I just assume is Ruben Studdard, that he likes him, but he needs to have more pizazz. Really Doogie? Take it down a notch and stop dressing like Ellen while you’re at it.
- Should Randy Jackson really say to a female contestant, “You can really blow, man.” The girl responds, “Oh thank you” and suddenly I think I’m more interested in her than I was just 15 seconds ago.
- I wonder if the producers instruct the contestants to act like they’re having a seizure in front of the camera when they get their “golden ticket.” It’s the worst. Everyone does this fidgety dance and pulls on the piece of the paper while they scream into the camera and their family (of cling-ons) chases after them in the background. It’s all terrible.
- It’s been about 39 seconds since our last crazy, so let’s bring out Dexter Ward. Sporting a thicker Hitler mustache and orange faux-hawk, Dexter practically vogues his way into the audition room, but not before winking at the camera with his eye and mouth about 10 times. He’ll be singing “If I Ever Fall In Love” by Shai. He’s partially singing it and partially sassin’ like he’s on Maury Povich and being told his “girlfriend” is having a baby with his “best friend.” He doesn’t make it to Hollywood, but he does make it onto this blog so, well, there’s that.
- Ryan is spending a lot of 1 on 1 time with Neil Patrick Harris. That’s all I’m going to say about that. That. Is. All.
- I love you, you’ll whip me, we’re an F’d up family. Erica, who used to be on Barney and Friends when she was little is apparently still alive and wearing all leather and even brought a whip to her performance. She’s singing “Free Your Mind” by En Vouge and, spoiler alert, she gets through to Hollywood. I guess if you get molested by a purple dinosaur during your youth, society really owes you one, you know?
- I miss Paula.
- So a contestant has Tourette’s. I know, I know, you think I’m going to make a cheap joke. I’m not. I hope he makes it as this may increase the chances he calls Simon a mother f*cker s*ck b*alls pig whore during judging. As a sidenote, similar to OCD and Hoarding, I think I can catch Tourette’s just by watching someone who has it. He makes it to Hollywood, but Iwill be changing the channel when he comes on before I end up f*ck you, c*ock sucker skank d*ck!
- Oh awesome we’re switching up the guest judge. I wonder who it’s going to be? Kill. Me. Joe Jonas? What? Terrible. I actually think it’s just Paula wearing a shaggy wig.
- Joe Jonas is doing a great job so far. He’s just said, “yeah” the entire time. Sadly it seems like Neil Patrick Harris is more qualified at this point.
- Vanessa, the human equivalent of Bubblicious, sings “At Last” by Etta James. She most certainly on a meth binge and I’m thinking of taking up a drug addiction just to get me through the rest of this show. Why do I do it every time?
- Finally we end the night of horror with Christian Spears. Before she even sings one note we get the entire back story of how she had cancer as a child. Hmm, do you think they’ll send her through after showing us this? She sings her dress off and makes it to Hollywood. Good for her. Good for everyone. Well, not me, but it’s nice to see some people are experiencing success in life.
- It’s finally over. I’m going bathe in bleach. Adios.