More Mindless Stories on ‘am i wrong?’

Am I Wrong? Possibly.

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Back by popular demand is another fresh segment of IBBB’s “Am I Wrong?” Sometimes it’s nice to stray away from Hollywood and really think about some stuff. Yeah, stuff. Deep.

• Why do they pick the most ridiculous person on the street to interview during a news story?  Said person usually is missing a few teeth, has their hair in knots, and answers almost anything but the question asked.  The reporter asks them about what they think about Healthcare Reform and the random street person is spewing out all sorts of information about electing Obama for President, taxes, secondhand smoke, and their daughter’s recital.  If I wanted to hear complete nonsense from an “expert” on the dirty street I’d just yell into an empty dumpster and wait to hear my echo.  Am I wrong?

• I have an idea!  Stop asking me if I got a haircut because, guess what, I did.  And you wanna know how you can detect if I got my haircut without having to ask me?  You just need to use your eyes and then, wait for it…wait for it…wait for it….look up at my hair.  The dead giveaway is if it’s shorter than when you saw me the previous day.  I don’t ask you, “Did you have a big lunch today?” because I can already tell you did simply by looking at you and your fat ass.  It’s called being polite.  Try it.  Am I wrong?

• Can someone explain to me how they price food these days?  Because when I go to the drive-thru I can choose about 20 items from the dollar menu, but if I want those same items with fries and Coke it costs like $10.00.  Is the dollar menu last weeks food?  I’m fine if it is, I just think you should be transparent about it.  And how the hell is a chicken sandwich only $1.00?  Really, how?  I can’t even buy a bottle of water for $1.00 and like 75% of the earth is just flowing with free water.  Am I wrong?

• Tissues have been around for, what, hundreds of years?  You mean to tell me they haven’t developed better “technology” that can make the plastic at the top of the box a little sturdier so that after pulling out the 5^th tissue it completely stretches out and I’m forced to try and jam my entire hand into the box (giggity) just in hopes that my finger tips can slightly graze a piece of tissue and pull it up to the top of the box like I’m trying to rescue Baby Jessica from that God damn well?  Fix this.  Am I wrong?

Well that concludes another segment of “Am I Wrong.” Am I Wrong was brought to you by “Milk” and the letter “2.”

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Am I Wrong? Why Hello Again.

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Back by popular demand is another fresh segment of IBBB’s “Am I Wrong?” Sometimes it’s nice to stray away from Hollywood and really think about some stuff. Yeah, stuff. Deep.

• How come when I just want to buy a simple shirt I have to give over my life story to the person behind the register?  They want my email address, my phone number, my zip code and I’m almost certain my blood type.  I get less questions asked at me when I’m going through security at the airport.  How about if I start asking them questions?  They’re like, “Can I help you?”  and I’m like, “Yeah. What’s your mothers maiden name?  Give me the last 4 of your social security number.  And what street did you grow up on?  Oh, and you can ring this shirt in too.”  Am I wrong?

• Stop forcing me to go to yearly sexual harassment training. All you’re doing is giving me fresh ideas and reminding me that I haven’t been sexually harassing as much as I used to.  Am I wrong?

• Wow “the pill” is 50 years old.  Congratulations loose women of the world!  I think it’s great for you, really.  However, you know what I’m all set with hearing?  “When are they gonna have ‘the pill’ for men?”  Uh, hopefully never?  Let’s put it this way.  I have a bottle of “Men’s One-a-Day” vitamins on my nightstand next to my bed.  Wanna know what today’s date is?  May 6, 2010.  Wanna know what the expiration date is on that bottle of vitamins?  November 15, 2008.  It could have been 2006 for all I know, as there was too much dust on it to decipher.  The point is, men are not responsible enough to remember to take “the pill” every day.  It’s hard enough to remember things like “touching yourself” and “cleaning out the corners of your eyes” and “turning your underwear inside out to save a couple of days on the laundry.”  Am I wrong?

• Hey douche asking me if you can “jump in” during my “set” at the gym, the answer is no.  Plan your time a little better.  Plus, I don’t want to keep on having to rearrange the weights every time it’s my turn again.  And, not to mention, I’m lifting 1/4^th of what you’re lifting so you’re making me look like a jerk in front of the other d-bags here at the gym.  Do I bother you on the train and ask if I can take your seat for the next two stops and then it’ll be your turn again?  Doubtful.  Am I wrong?

• Have kids stopped “going missing?”  No really, have they because I have cereal about 6 days a week and I haven’t seen one “missing kid” on the back of my milk carton since 1987.  Have we found them all?  That’s awesome if we did, but to be honest I was always kinda hoping that I would bump into a missing kid one day and be like, “Hey I saw you at breakfast.”  I guess that dream is gone.  Am I wrong?

• Hey Macy’s, I have a question.  What in the holy hell does “1 Day Sale” mean to you?  Because I’m pretty sure I see commercials 3 days a week talking about your “1 Day Sale” and it’s really starting to piss me off, especially when that God-awful chorus shouts “One Day!” and wakes me out of a deep sleep.  I’m forced to jump out of bed like my apartment is on fire so I don’t miss your 1 day sale that happens every Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday.  Oh and while you’re at it, quit the crap with that “doorbusters” campaign.  I’ve been to your store hundreds of times and that 25% coupon that can’t be used on any items that you actually want never made your doors bust.  Am I wrong?

• Lindsay Lohan is going to die.  Prepare for it.  Am I wrong?

Well that concludes another segment of “Am I Wrong.” Am I Wrong was brought to you by “Goya” and the letter “Z.”

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Am I Wrong? Rant You!

• Anyone else sick of that smoking commercial with that guy that has the hole in his throat and the voicebox? I don’t smoke and I don’t want to see and/or hear it anymore. Every time my TV is on and I’m tooling around my apartment and hear that commercial, the robot voice always scares the skid marks out of me. I always think my dishwasher has come alive and is trying to attack me. Am I wrong?
• Whenever I walk around the streets of New York and see a homeless person on the street that doesn’t look that dirty I always think it’s Tyra Banks in disguise filming a segment for her show. I always look around for a camera. I still don’t give money, but do think it’s Tyra trying to teach me a lesson. Am I wrong?
• What’s the sales training like for employees at Dunkin Donuts? It seems like every time I go through the drive-thru they’re offering more and more random crap. I order a coffee and a bagel and they’re like, “Would you also like to try a cinnamon blueberry scone with spiced cream topping?” Or I just order a coffee and they’re like, “Would you also like to try a new low-cal fruit smoothie?” Um, no I’m all set. I’ll just stick with the one drink for now. I’d rather not urinate all over my car. Stop trying to upsell me random food products! Am I wrong?
• Can people please stop saying that strippers don’t have to strip to make a living because they can work at McDonalds? Please stop suggesting McDonalds. Good strippers can make about $1,000 a night. McDonald’s workers make that in 3-months. I’m going to tell McDonalds workers that they should start stripping. Am I wrong?
• Ugh! First Sally Field is force feeding us Boviva and now there’s some bitch talking about her Fibromyalgia. She keeps a diary and keeps saying “Fibromyalgia” and “So tender to the touch.” Yuck. Stop saying both of those things at once! And who has time to write in a diary about their disease? Get to bed! Am I wrong?
• Why do people stop to ask me what time the next bus is coming when I’m walking by it? Gross. Do I look like I take the bus? It comes at 10:20. Am I wrong?

Am I Wrong? Back Again!

• Why can’t they make the zipper less dangerous, especially pants zippers? I mean, they’re so afraid that the tag on the back of your underwear is so irritating to the skin that they removed the tags all together, yet I’m supposed to risk my life every day by trying to get “Mr Winky Claus” through a metal zipper that basically has teeth trying to chomp off my naughty bits. Tagless underwear, yes. Metal zipper penis eater alternatives, no. I blame YKK for this. Am I wrong?
• Who’s using a pay phone? No really, who are you and what is it exactly that you’re doing because I’m pretty sure you’re making inappropriate and sexual prank calls or conducting some type of drug deal. Everyone has a cell phone. Everyone. Even my parents have cell phones. So if I see you on a pay phone I’m pretty sure you’re up to no good and I’m about 2 seconds away from making a citizens arrest. Am I wrong?
• Why are people still hooked on the concept that we’ll one day be able to power our cars with ridiculous things like vegetable oil or grease from a deep fryer? I don’t think it will ever happen. Yeah, well they used to think that we’d be able to shower like The Jetson’s on a conveyor belt with robot arms shampooing our arms and washing our back. Just pay the extra $0.05 increase in the price of gas and get on with your day. Am I wrong?
• Is Winter ever going to end? I love that question. I want to answer “no” to that when someone asks me. Is winter ever going to end? No. Nope, it’s not. Didn’t you hear? Oh you didn’t? Yeah well a new law just passed and looks like it’s going to be winter forever from now on. Yeah, it’s kind of like daylight saving time. Oh and it has something to do with the groundhog seeing its shadow. Yeah, I actually think it was the groundhog that passed the law. Tough break for us, huh? YES winter will end around the same time it’s ended every year since the beginning of time. Stop talking to me. Am I wrong?
• Don’t celebrities already have enough attention? Why does it seem like every celebrity now has a blog or is creating their own “funny” Youtube clips? You guys get to be on TV and in movies and in magazines and on the radio and you get paid a crapload of money for it and you even win awards for it. This crappy little blog is all I have. Can’t I just have that? Don’t you have enough already? Stop this immediately. Am I wrong?
• How the hell many hours is The Today Show on? Is it its own channel now? I’m pretty sure it is. When I was out for like 15 weeks with the flu I got to watch a lot of morning television and I was amazed that The Today Show never ended. Literally. It just kept going. After what seemed like the 6th consecutive hour of watching it I was pretty certain I knew everything I thought I could ever know about Meredith Viera and I was pretty sure I pieced together the puzzle and pattern of how Matt Lauer lost his hair. I think 1 or 2 hours is more than enough, no? Am I wrong?
• It’s been a horrible flu season. I have an idea. If you’re sick…wait for it….wait for it….don’t come into work. Crazy concept, I know. I see people dry-heaving, coughing up a lung, blowing snot everywhere, yet they tell me that they have a lot of work to do and not to worry because they’re going to the doctor tomorrow. Oh really tomorrow? That’s great, but I think I just got the flu from you about 15 minutes ago so can I bum a ride with you when you go see your doctor. No one needs a “workplace hero.” Just stay home, Snotty McPukeBag. Am I wrong?

Am I Wrong? It’s Back!

Back by popular demand is another fresh segment of IBBB’s “Am I Wrong?” Sometimes it’s nice to stray away from Hollywood and really think about some stuff. Yeah, stuff. Deep.

• I’m not a big fan of flying although I love sitting in the emergency row. Those extra 5 inches of leg room are too much to pass up. Did I mention I’m also an asshole? Yeah, well I am. I love when I’m in the emergency row and the flight attendant makes me verbally say “yes” that in the case of emergency I will assist everyone off the plane. Really? I have to say yes? Fine. “Yes.” I’ll help. I verbally say yes, but in my mind I am envisioning the plane going down and me pushing everyone out of the way to I can get myself to safety first. I would literally use people to knock other people out of my way. I would use the fat lady as my flotation device. Hell, I’d string like 10 kids together to make me a raft so that I can float to safety. I would never help anyone if my life was in danger. Am I wrong?
• Why the hell are people so shocked when they get on an elevator and there are a lot of people already on the elevator. They say things like, “Wow” and “Oh!” when the doors open and they see 10 people already standing in there. It’s like they’ve never seen people on an elevator before. They look at you all puzzled and slowly kinda walk into the elevator as if they’ve lost all their senses and have no clue what to do. Yes, this is an elevator. Yes there are people on it. Yup, that’s how it works. There are 50 floors to this building. Did you really expect tumbleweed to shoot out of the elevator when the doors opened so you could get your fatass on it? Take the stairs if you’re so shocked with a crowded elevator. Am I wrong?
• I love people who have no clue what to do when it comes to Daylight Savings Time. You would think this is the first time they’ve ever had to change their clocks back an hour. Clearly it must be the end of the world. Then you always get that smart ass that says things like “It’s 10:00, but it’s really like it’s 11:00.” Yup, it is….except that it isn’t. That’s like saying “It’s Monday, but it’s really like it’s Sunday.” Yeah, it is…if it was yesterday. However my absolute favorite is the people who end up late to work on Monday after Daylight Savings Time. Are you kidding? You’re late? You know you had to turn your clocks back on Sunday at 2am? So basically you went ALL of Sunday “forgetting” to change your clock back? Your cell phone didn’t update itself to tip you off? You didn’t notice all day that everything you wanted to watch on TV you missed? Oh, did you miss the sun going down an hour early? Really? All those clues you didn’t pick up on? Yeah, you should be late to work. Oh, you’re also retarded. Am I wrong?
• Can you believe they’ve already put all the Christmas stuff out in the stores? I even saw some if out before Halloween! And now that Halloween is over ALL of the Christmas stuff is out. It’s like they skipped over Thanksgiving. Can you believe it? Yes. Yes I can believe it. You want to know why I can believe it? I can believe it because this is how it’s been since probably the beginning of time. Every year the Christmas stuff comes out early. So stop looking all shocked when you walk in the store and see it. Christmas stuff is put out early. End of story. Yes they shove Christmas down your throat. Yes that’s Christmas music on the radio…already. This doesn’t seem familiar to you? You don’t remember saying this same thing last year and the year before that and the year before that and the year before that and the year before that and the year before that and the year before that? Oh, and the year before that? You don’t deserve Christmas. Am I wrong?
• I have a question. Why the hell are the homeless so tired? What are they busy doing? I typically walk over about 6 homeless people on my way to work every day and they’re always laying on the ground. See, now I just think that’s poor planning. If I were homeless I would spend the majority of my day walking around and then, come night time, I’d be so tired I’d probably get a good night sleep anywhere. Even at, say, a dumpster. And why the hell would you pick New York to be homeless? It gets cold here. If you follow my plan of walking around all day I would just start walking to California. At least it’s warm there. Has no homeless person thought of this yet? I should tell them. Am I wrong?

Well that concludes another segment of “Am I Wrong.” Am I Wrong was brought to you by “Goya” and the letter “P.”

Am I Wrong? It’s Back!