More Mindless Stories on ‘am i wrong?’

Am I Wrong? Let Me Know What You Think About the Latkes.

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Back by popular demand is another fresh segment of IBBB’s “Am I Wrong?” Sometimes it’s nice to stray away from reality shows and really think about some stuff. Yeah, stuff. Deep.  Plus, as a thank to all of those who took part in the Celebrity Twitter Bomb, it’s the least I could do.  Sorry, in advance.

• Why are there alarmist commercials about daring to mix Allegra with orange juice?  Seriously, the dude in the commercial is awkwardly trying to save the life of the Allegra user by basically knocking the glass of orange juice out of her hand.  He’s like, “You KNOW you can’t mix Allegra with orange juice….RIGHT!?!”  I mean Jesus she’s not trying to down a cup of poison.  And what did orange juice ever do to you?  How come suddenly orange juice is the new “high fructose corn syrup” scandal of 2010?  It’s like, how dare you try and take you allergy meds in the morning with orange juice, like an animal!  I take Tylenol with beer.  Am I wrong?

• Someone like Aaliyah is never coming back, but someone like Lohan keeps grabbing the brass ring.  Am I wrong?

• “Think about the earth before you print this email.”  Why do people feel the need to add that to their email signature?  Who the F is printing out emails?  That’s why it’s “email” and not hand delivered mail.  If I wanted a hard copy of the stupid chain-letter about National Gas Out Day that you sent me I’d ask you to write it in your best cursive, toss a stamp on it, and throw it in the mailbox.  And, not for nothing, are you the boss of my body?  I’ll print what I want, when I want to, and how many I want to.  In fact, I might print it in color and then just shred it for the hell of it.  I’m crazy like that.  And while we’re on “helpful suggestions” in our signature, I might add “think about my health so wash your hands after using the bathroom.”  Am I wrong?

• Know what I’m not good at?  “Points” when you go food shopping.  I have no idea how this works.  It’s some math formula that only NASA can decode.  All I know is that the cashier angrily asks me if I’m collecting points in a complete rage every time I’m at the grocery store and after like 2 yrs of scanning this card in over 400 visits they’re finally like “You wanna use your points on the bananas?” And I save 49 cents.  Meanwhile they now have enough personal info on me to assume my complete identity.  Am I wrong?

• “Check this out!  This girl killed herself after her dad  posted this on Facebook about her!  Click here to see it!”  Really?  You know what, I’m going to take a pass or, perhaps, the physical challenge because if this shiz even is 1% true and this chick dirt-napped herself why the hell would I want to see it?  Is this like one of those things from the late 90’s where they claim if you email it to 12 of your friends the Taco Bell dog will appear on your screen and do a quirky dance?  If so, I might be in.  Am I wrong?

Well that concludes another segment of “Am I Wrong.” Am I Wrong was brought to you by “Pitocin” and the letter “burp.”

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Am I Wrong? Weebles Wobble, But They Don’t Fall Down

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Back by popular demand is another fresh segment of IBBB’s “Am I Wrong?” Sometimes it’s nice to stray away from reality shows and really think about some stuff. Yeah, stuff. Deep.

• Maybe some of you should cool it with the sideward winky face you feel necessary to place after almost every sentence you create via an email, status update or text message.  It’s getting a little ridiculous.  I mean, do you  really need to wink at the close of each sentence?  Whatever happened to the period?  It was solid and, at last check, needed.  Do you know how crazy you would look if every time you ended a sentence out loud to someone you winked at them?  Have a nice weekend (wink).  See you tomorrow (wink).  Hope you get well soon (wink).   I’ll bring the dip (wink).  Can’t wait for my vacation (wink).  Hey bartender, can I have a vodka tonic (wink)? Did you hear the latest foreclosure stats (wink)?  There’s an Amber Alert for a missing 3 year old boy last seen wearing a blue hooded sweatshirt (wink).  Ready for bed (wink).  Ok, maybe that one deserves a wink.  Other than that, Am I Wrong?

• I’m sorry, am I not fast enough for you?  This is typically what I want to say when a co-worker emails me and then waits all of 11 seconds before coming over to my desk to ask my if I just got their email.  It’s like, Jesus, your fireworks display and cannon shooting parade certainly got my attention but give me a little time to friggin actually read it and process a response.  I  mean, I like to pause at the commas.  Geesh.  Am I wrong?

• When celebrities freak out publicly whilst on a meth and/or coke binge their publicists need to stop saying they’ve had an “allergic reaction” to their medication.  You know what happens when I have an allergic reaction to medication?  I break out in hives.  When a celebrity has an allergic reaction they pistol whip a prostitute, trash their hotel room, and do said activities naked.  No one buys this excuse.  Either say you were tricked into trying meth or you were just holding it for a friend.  Am I wrong?

• Door busters.  You know what?  Go f*ck yourself.  Am I wrong?

• Wanna know when I become catatonic?  When the waiter is reading the “specials” and rambling on for 5 minutes I actually have no recollection of one thing they said.  I don’t recall their name, I have no idea what the soup of the day is, and, personally, I don’t really care how the genius chef has prepared the halibut tonight, mainly because I’m not quite sure what exactly halibut is but also because it’s pretty personal.  I mean, I’m not asking the waiter if the chef wants to know the secrets of how I closed a $100,000 deal today, am I?  Keep it to yourself, braggy.  Am I wrong?

Well that concludes another segment of “Am I Wrong.” Am I Wrong was brought to you by “A Santa tie” and the letter “buckles.”

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Am I Wrong? Systematic Bullying.

Back by popular demand is another fresh segment of IBBB’s “Am I Wrong?” Sometimes it’s nice to stray away from reality shows and really think about some stuff. Yeah, stuff. Deep.

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• Why do waiters and waitresses think I’m a moron?  “Still workin’ on it?”  Huh?  I’m eating it.  I’m not performing stem cell research on my grilled cheese sandwich.  The only time to ask me if I’m “still workin’ on it” is when I’m trying to figure out the 8% tip you’re getting. Am I wrong?

• There’s nothing that makes me feel like I’m giving everyone at my work the middle finger quite like turning on my “Out of Office” reply.  I love it.  When I’m lying on the beach I imagine all kinds of scenarios where people need to get in touch with me and as soon as they hit “send” they automatically get a loving message from me stating that  “I’m currently out of the office without access to email and will reply to your message upon my return.”  I use the word “upon” because I feel like it ups the “pissed off factor.”  I really want to add to it, “…and will reply to your message upon my return…but let’s face it, I’m sure I’ll be walking into about 300 unanswered emails and, well, it’s easier to just hit “Ctrl A” and then “delete” than it is to follow the email chain.  Plus you’re kind of a jerk to me anyway, so I’m definitely responding to you last.”  Am I wrong?

• You know what I don’t have?  Beiber Fever.  Although I did once suffer from “Kat McPhever.”  Am I wrong?

• Who are the people that Tylenol is referring to on their bottle when they say  “those who consume 3 or more alcoholic drinks per day should not take Tylenol?”  They sound fun!  These are the kind of people I need in my life; reckless people who aren’t even allowed to take Tylenol!  And don’t get me going on people who are taking MAOI inhibitors.  Rock stars!  Am I wrong?

• Can you believe they’re already playing Christmas music on the radio?  Yes, yes I can.  You know why I can believe it?  Because they do the same thing every year.  Every single year.  You know what else they do ever year?  Put up Christmas decorations right after Halloween (sometimes before).  This happens.  Why are people so surprised about this?  Spoiler Alert:  Stores like to…wait for it…wait for it….make money.  Yes, money.  It’s a called “the economy.”  Ever hear of it?  If this “early Christmas” could get us out of economic doom and gloom I’d be fine with putting up the first decoration in March.  And why are people always so upset that we basically skip right over Thanksgiving?  If the pilgrims slid down my chimney and gave me a bunch of free sh*t I’d celebrate them 2 months early too.  Am I wrong?

Well that concludes another segment of “Am I Wrong.” Am I Wrong was brought to you by “Milli Vanilli’s braids” and the letter “drizzle.”

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Am I Wrong? Golden Satchels.

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Back by popular demand is another fresh segment of IBBB’s “Am I Wrong?” Sometimes it’s nice to stray away from Hollywood and really think about some stuff. Yeah, stuff. Deep.

• It’s post pictures of your kids week.  It’s post pictures of your husband/wife week.  It’s post picture of your celebrity look-a-like.  It’s post pictures of you as a baby week.  Is it?  Really, Facebook?  It is?  Are these new national holidays that I don’t know about?  Doubtful.  Stop trying to assume my identity and then sell the data to some group who’s going to declare Jihad on my profile and then hack the shiz out of me.  I also don’t buy those status updates that say things like, “….and 93% of people won’t repost this.”  Oh really?  Way to try and intimidate me.  Where’d you get those stats by the way?  Don’t use big numbers to try and force me to do anything.  Like Google, you already own about 98% of my life as it is.  Can’t we just leave it at that?  Am I wrong?

• Who can I sue for “Uno Attack?”  In case you don’t know, after 3,000 years of playing Uno the “normal way,” the scientists over at Milton Bradley have come up with “Uno Attack” in which the Uno machine literally shoots all the Uno cards at you if you take too long and your time runs out.  Yeah, why aren’t they paying my sister royalties since she came up with that game in 1984 when we would play Uno and then she would, literally, throw all the Uno cards at me if I was getting close to winning.  I mean, I called it “Jennifer Attacks” but Milton Bradley should be prepared to hear from our lawyers by the end of the week.  Am I wrong?

• You know what?  I am just burning doing the neutron dance.  Am I wrong?

• Can they stop running commercials for Mary Kay with them trying to convince us that “during a recession” if you sell Mary Kay you’re not going to get laid off.  Uh, I have a question?  Who in the holy hell is buying excessive amounts of makeup now when they can’t even afford to buy bread and milk?  Hurry up and put on your face full of makeup because you’re going to want to look your best when you’re picking cans out of your neighbor’s trash.  Am I wrong?

• How is it that I am so old that I’m actually living in the year that the Jetson’s cartoon took place in?  If someone tells me that I’m outliving Elroy I’m licking he third rail.  Am I wrong?

• Can we all agree to stop using the term “FML?”  Can we?  Please?  You know who is allowed to actually say FML?  Kids who live in Third World countries who haven’t eaten since late January and spend most of their day swatting flies off their pushed-out stomachs.  They can say FML.  You know who else can say FML?  Orphans who are turning 13 years old and have no shot of getting adopted.  They can say FML.  You know who else can say FML?  The terminally ill.  They can say FML.  As for the rest of us who want to say FML when Dunkin Donuts messes up our coffee order or we spilled our $15.00 vodka-tonic on our new shirt, we should stop.  Immediately.  Am I wrong?

Well that concludes another segment of “Am I Wrong.” Am I Wrong was brought to you by “The Stevia Plant” and the letter “gingersnaps.”

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Am I Wrong? Summah Edition.

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Back by popular demand is another fresh segment of IBBB’s “Am I Wrong?” Sometimes it’s nice to stray away from Hollywood and really think about some stuff. Yeah, stuff. Deep.

• Know who I don’t want to mess with?  The people from the commercial who are pissed off about High Fructose Corn Syrup.  Yeesh.  They’re at a kids birthday party and the mother asks one of the guests if she wants some of that “purple drink.”  When the guest kindly declines because there’s high fructose corn syrup in it, the mother loses her sh*t.  She gets all defensive and aggressive and is like, “Everything is fine in moderation and it comes from corn!!!!!”  This is how gang wars start. And not “everything in moderation is fine.”  You can’t kill in moderation.  You shouldn’t have abortions in moderation.  You shouldn’t sleep with your boss’ wife in moderation.  Plus, it comes from corn?  Ohhhh don’t insult me with your random, yet useful, corn knowledge.  Cow sh*t comes from cows asses, but that doesn’t mean I’m adding it to my hamburger.  Am I wrong?

• So, uh, do the people in charge here in the good old U.S of A want to acknowledge that Toyota is trying to kill us?  Anyone?  If the gas pedal isn’t sticking to the floor and turning your Corolla into a rocket-ship on its way to the moon, the gas tanks are bursting into flames, or the steering wheel suddenly jerks to the left once you accelerate over 45 mph, or the doors fall off when you open them.  The list is endless.  Wouldn’t now be a good time to convince people to buy American cars because Toyota is trying to wipe us off the face of the earth one road trip at a time.  Am I wrong?

• No I don’t want to buy a rose for the girl I’m with on the street at 4:00 in the morning, drunk.  But thanks for asking, random rose lady who is out selling roses at 4:00 in the morning.  Seriously are you even breaking even?  Is there a 401K plan with this wild and crazy “late night rose selling business” that you’ve started for yourself?   Do you sell ice-scrapers in the winter instead of roses?  You should. Hell, I should.  Am I wrong?

• Oh hey there person that I went to school with for 10 years.  Thanks for the Facebook friend request….but, um, you never sent any kind of follow up email or wall post or anything.  I haven’t talked to you in 15 years and you haven’t said one word to me.  You’re just looking at my pictures and what I write like a peeping Tom in the bushes.  You’re probably touching yourself too, perv.  Am I wrong?

• Last time I checked I was able to not only turn the water on, but I also have the ability to dry my own hands while in the bathroom of a club or bar.  Seriously, I’m sick of having to “tip” the bathroom attendant.  I feel like I’m paying this unnecessary “pissing tax.” And I’m not using the dirty brush that you leave out, spraying myself with your 1992 Drakar Noir, or taking the can of AquaNet that is literally rusted directly to sink. It’s almost like having someone come by your cubical at work, shuffle your papers on your desk for 5 seconds, and then hold up a tip jar in front of your face. Not needed.  Am I wrong?

Well that concludes another segment of “Am I Wrong.” Am I Wrong was brought to you by “Cotton” and the letter “green.”

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