More Mindless Stories on ‘am i wrong?’

Am I Wrong? Rant You!

• Anyone else sick of that smoking commercial with that guy that has the hole in his throat and the voicebox? I don’t smoke and I don’t want to see and/or hear it anymore. Every time my TV is on and I’m tooling around my apartment and hear that commercial, the robot voice always scares the skid marks out of me. I always think my dishwasher has come alive and is trying to attack me. Am I wrong?
• Whenever I walk around the streets of New York and see a homeless person on the street that doesn’t look that dirty I always think it’s Tyra Banks in disguise filming a segment for her show. I always look around for a camera. I still don’t give money, but do think it’s Tyra trying to teach me a lesson. Am I wrong?
• What’s the sales training like for employees at Dunkin Donuts? It seems like every time I go through the drive-thru they’re offering more and more random crap. I order a coffee and a bagel and they’re like, “Would you also like to try a cinnamon blueberry scone with spiced cream topping?” Or I just order a coffee and they’re like, “Would you also like to try a new low-cal fruit smoothie?” Um, no I’m all set. I’ll just stick with the one drink for now. I’d rather not urinate all over my car. Stop trying to upsell me random food products! Am I wrong?
• Can people please stop saying that strippers don’t have to strip to make a living because they can work at McDonalds? Please stop suggesting McDonalds. Good strippers can make about $1,000 a night. McDonald’s workers make that in 3-months. I’m going to tell McDonalds workers that they should start stripping. Am I wrong?
• Ugh! First Sally Field is force feeding us Boviva and now there’s some bitch talking about her Fibromyalgia. She keeps a diary and keeps saying “Fibromyalgia” and “So tender to the touch.” Yuck. Stop saying both of those things at once! And who has time to write in a diary about their disease? Get to bed! Am I wrong?
• Why do people stop to ask me what time the next bus is coming when I’m walking by it? Gross. Do I look like I take the bus? It comes at 10:20. Am I wrong?

Am I Wrong? Back Again!

• Why can’t they make the zipper less dangerous, especially pants zippers? I mean, they’re so afraid that the tag on the back of your underwear is so irritating to the skin that they removed the tags all together, yet I’m supposed to risk my life every day by trying to get “Mr Winky Claus” through a metal zipper that basically has teeth trying to chomp off my naughty bits. Tagless underwear, yes. Metal zipper penis eater alternatives, no. I blame YKK for this. Am I wrong?
• Who’s using a pay phone? No really, who are you and what is it exactly that you’re doing because I’m pretty sure you’re making inappropriate and sexual prank calls or conducting some type of drug deal. Everyone has a cell phone. Everyone. Even my parents have cell phones. So if I see you on a pay phone I’m pretty sure you’re up to no good and I’m about 2 seconds away from making a citizens arrest. Am I wrong?
• Why are people still hooked on the concept that we’ll one day be able to power our cars with ridiculous things like vegetable oil or grease from a deep fryer? I don’t think it will ever happen. Yeah, well they used to think that we’d be able to shower like The Jetson’s on a conveyor belt with robot arms shampooing our arms and washing our back. Just pay the extra $0.05 increase in the price of gas and get on with your day. Am I wrong?
• Is Winter ever going to end? I love that question. I want to answer “no” to that when someone asks me. Is winter ever going to end? No. Nope, it’s not. Didn’t you hear? Oh you didn’t? Yeah well a new law just passed and looks like it’s going to be winter forever from now on. Yeah, it’s kind of like daylight saving time. Oh and it has something to do with the groundhog seeing its shadow. Yeah, I actually think it was the groundhog that passed the law. Tough break for us, huh? YES winter will end around the same time it’s ended every year since the beginning of time. Stop talking to me. Am I wrong?
• Don’t celebrities already have enough attention? Why does it seem like every celebrity now has a blog or is creating their own “funny” Youtube clips? You guys get to be on TV and in movies and in magazines and on the radio and you get paid a crapload of money for it and you even win awards for it. This crappy little blog is all I have. Can’t I just have that? Don’t you have enough already? Stop this immediately. Am I wrong?
• How the hell many hours is The Today Show on? Is it its own channel now? I’m pretty sure it is. When I was out for like 15 weeks with the flu I got to watch a lot of morning television and I was amazed that The Today Show never ended. Literally. It just kept going. After what seemed like the 6th consecutive hour of watching it I was pretty certain I knew everything I thought I could ever know about Meredith Viera and I was pretty sure I pieced together the puzzle and pattern of how Matt Lauer lost his hair. I think 1 or 2 hours is more than enough, no? Am I wrong?
• It’s been a horrible flu season. I have an idea. If you’re sick…wait for it….wait for it….don’t come into work. Crazy concept, I know. I see people dry-heaving, coughing up a lung, blowing snot everywhere, yet they tell me that they have a lot of work to do and not to worry because they’re going to the doctor tomorrow. Oh really tomorrow? That’s great, but I think I just got the flu from you about 15 minutes ago so can I bum a ride with you when you go see your doctor. No one needs a “workplace hero.” Just stay home, Snotty McPukeBag. Am I wrong?

Am I Wrong? It’s Back!

Back by popular demand is another fresh segment of IBBB’s “Am I Wrong?” Sometimes it’s nice to stray away from Hollywood and really think about some stuff. Yeah, stuff. Deep.

• I’m not a big fan of flying although I love sitting in the emergency row. Those extra 5 inches of leg room are too much to pass up. Did I mention I’m also an asshole? Yeah, well I am. I love when I’m in the emergency row and the flight attendant makes me verbally say “yes” that in the case of emergency I will assist everyone off the plane. Really? I have to say yes? Fine. “Yes.” I’ll help. I verbally say yes, but in my mind I am envisioning the plane going down and me pushing everyone out of the way to I can get myself to safety first. I would literally use people to knock other people out of my way. I would use the fat lady as my flotation device. Hell, I’d string like 10 kids together to make me a raft so that I can float to safety. I would never help anyone if my life was in danger. Am I wrong?
• Why the hell are people so shocked when they get on an elevator and there are a lot of people already on the elevator. They say things like, “Wow” and “Oh!” when the doors open and they see 10 people already standing in there. It’s like they’ve never seen people on an elevator before. They look at you all puzzled and slowly kinda walk into the elevator as if they’ve lost all their senses and have no clue what to do. Yes, this is an elevator. Yes there are people on it. Yup, that’s how it works. There are 50 floors to this building. Did you really expect tumbleweed to shoot out of the elevator when the doors opened so you could get your fatass on it? Take the stairs if you’re so shocked with a crowded elevator. Am I wrong?
• I love people who have no clue what to do when it comes to Daylight Savings Time. You would think this is the first time they’ve ever had to change their clocks back an hour. Clearly it must be the end of the world. Then you always get that smart ass that says things like “It’s 10:00, but it’s really like it’s 11:00.” Yup, it is….except that it isn’t. That’s like saying “It’s Monday, but it’s really like it’s Sunday.” Yeah, it is…if it was yesterday. However my absolute favorite is the people who end up late to work on Monday after Daylight Savings Time. Are you kidding? You’re late? You know you had to turn your clocks back on Sunday at 2am? So basically you went ALL of Sunday “forgetting” to change your clock back? Your cell phone didn’t update itself to tip you off? You didn’t notice all day that everything you wanted to watch on TV you missed? Oh, did you miss the sun going down an hour early? Really? All those clues you didn’t pick up on? Yeah, you should be late to work. Oh, you’re also retarded. Am I wrong?
• Can you believe they’ve already put all the Christmas stuff out in the stores? I even saw some if out before Halloween! And now that Halloween is over ALL of the Christmas stuff is out. It’s like they skipped over Thanksgiving. Can you believe it? Yes. Yes I can believe it. You want to know why I can believe it? I can believe it because this is how it’s been since probably the beginning of time. Every year the Christmas stuff comes out early. So stop looking all shocked when you walk in the store and see it. Christmas stuff is put out early. End of story. Yes they shove Christmas down your throat. Yes that’s Christmas music on the radio…already. This doesn’t seem familiar to you? You don’t remember saying this same thing last year and the year before that and the year before that and the year before that and the year before that and the year before that and the year before that? Oh, and the year before that? You don’t deserve Christmas. Am I wrong?
• I have a question. Why the hell are the homeless so tired? What are they busy doing? I typically walk over about 6 homeless people on my way to work every day and they’re always laying on the ground. See, now I just think that’s poor planning. If I were homeless I would spend the majority of my day walking around and then, come night time, I’d be so tired I’d probably get a good night sleep anywhere. Even at, say, a dumpster. And why the hell would you pick New York to be homeless? It gets cold here. If you follow my plan of walking around all day I would just start walking to California. At least it’s warm there. Has no homeless person thought of this yet? I should tell them. Am I wrong?

Well that concludes another segment of “Am I Wrong.” Am I Wrong was brought to you by “Goya” and the letter “P.”

Am I Wrong? It’s Back!

Am I Wrong: The Repeat

• No, I don’t want to pet your dog. Just because you’re walking a dog doesn’t mean I want it liking my hand or leg. I may not know your dog, but I am certain that he drinks out of the toilet and licks himself. Yeah, I’m all set with that toilet tongue on me, thanks. Am I wrong?
• If you’re a guy and wearing capri pants, why? I don’t care if you’re gay, straight, etc, but why capri pants? Is it hot out? Will those keep you cool? Is it cool out? Will those keep you warm? Why are you showing off your ankle area? Please stop it, at once. Am I wrong?
• If it’s hot out and sunny and my face is red, don’t ask me if I have a sun-burn. What do you think? And don’t ask me if it hurts? My face is red and about 200 degrees. Yes it hurts. Does that bottle I just broke over your head tickle? Am I wrong?
• Don’t look at me weird and say, “Is that a grey hair?” What do you think? Next time you ask that I’m going to look behind you and say, “Is that a fat ass?” Am I wrong?
• If all you have to say to me on an elevator is “Is it Friday yet?” don’t even bother talking to me. No it isn’t Friday yet. You know when it is Friday? When it actually is Friday. P.S if you say “Hot enough for ya?” please just immediately exit the elevator. Am I wrong?
• Why is it that when someone honks their horn everyone seems to look? Do you think you’re that important that the horn is for you? How important could you be? You’re walking. Am I wrong?
• Yeah, if you’re sneezing all over the place and then tell me “oh don’t worry I’m not sick, it’s just allergies” I don’t care. There is still snot flying out of your nose at 100 miles per hour and landing all over the place. I don’t care if it’s “cold snot” or “allergy snot.” It’s still snot and I still don’t want it on me. Am I wrong?

That’s all. Thank you.

Am I Wrong: The Return

• Is anyone paying attention to China? What in the hell is going on with those guys? Their toys that they ship to the United States are poisoned with lead paint. Their toothpaste is poisoned that they ship to the United States. The vegetables that were shipped to the United States were tainted with some type of poison as well. Anyone paying attention to these guys? Sure there’s a war going on over in Iraq, but we may want to put the spotlight on those tricky Chinese. Poisoning us? Using their cars as missiles as they crash all over the road? Hmmm, sounds like an al qaeda copycat to me. Am I wrong?
• Hey I have a fun game to play! It’s called “If you’re not a 12 year old girl stop drinking out of a straw.” Sure the game is self explanatory, but I’ve seen more and more adults walking up the street drinking their juice and/or their coke bottle out of a straw. You’re an adult. Say goodbye to the “crazy straw.” Am I wrong?
• Stop bragging on Myspace. Who are these people who are posting their salary on Myspace? I don’t need to know if you’re in the $250,000 club. In fact, I barely even believe that’s you in your default picture let alone you’re salary. If you’re making $250,000 and are still sending out Myspace bulletins something just doesn’t match up. Why not add a copy of last years W2 to your photo album while you’re at it. Am I wrong?
• Isn’t “So You Think You Can Dance,” “American Idol,” ” American Inventor,” “America’s Got Talent,” and “Dancing With the Stars” the same exact show only on 4 different channels? Just checking. Am I wrong?
• Hey guess what? If I show up to work on a Monday and my face and arms are all red there really isn’t a reason to ask me if I spent some time in in the sun over the weekend. I’ve basically spent time ON the sun. Yes, I’m sun burnt. My other favorite is, “Ow, does that hurt?” Nope it doesn’t hurt at all. I mean I can’t move my eyebrows without tearing up and my face is literally providing enough heat to warm up my office, but it doesn’t hurt at all. Feels great. Stop asking stupid questions. Am I wrong?
• If you’re a little kid dressed up in a baseball uniform, do me a favor…stop coming up to my car with a can asking me if I’ll help donate some money to your baseball team. I just recently spent about $250 for a ticket to the Red Sox game and THEN I have to still buy food and beer…and by “food” I actually mean “more beer.” Why would I want to donate to your little league baseball team where once you hit the ball off the tee you end up running the wrong way. Yeah, that’s money well spent. Oh, and get the hell out of the street you’re going to get hit by a car. Where are your parents? Am I wrong?
• Finally, hey Sally Field – I don’t care that you’re so happy your friend told you about Boniva. Look, it sucks that you have osteoporosis but stop bragging about your once-a-month pill that you take. You’re almost as rich as Oprah. You could probably afford to have 100% bone replacement. Is that possible? Who knows. Am I wrong?

Am I Wrong? Well, Am I?

It’s time for another installment of Am I Wrong?. You know you love it.

• I don’t like the song “Unforgettable” by Nat King Cole. So when I’m walking down the street on my way to work and you’re playing it on your flute and then give me a dirty look when I won’t tip you for it, don’t be surprised. If you’re unlucky enough to be homeless, yet lucky enough to own a flute, learn a new song. Perhaps something by “The Shakira?” Am I wrong?
• If you’re walking around the streets of New York with your camera around your neck, plastic map in your hand, and socks crammed into your sandals, please save the muggers the time and just hand them your money. Don’t make them try to trick you, just hand it over. Actually, while you’re at it, be nice enough to provide them with your mother’s maiden name and the last 3 digits of your social security number. Am I wrong?
• Enough about Global Warming. I’m fine with it, really. So it gets a little warmer. As long as there’s a nice breeze I think it actually sounds kinda nice. Ok, so the lakes and rivers dry up. You know what, this won’t effect my life though right? It could effect my kids lives or their kids lives. That’s not my problem. My parents and grandparents didn’t do anything to slow down the hole in the ozone layer and that seems to have fixed itself. I’m sure Global Warming will go away once El Nino comes back. I have no clue. Am I wrong?
• Who’s on CraigsList? Let me tell ya, trying to sell your car on CraigsList really brings out the crazies. No I won’t “trade” you my 1998 Acura for your 1997 Honda Civic. Are you kidding? Oh, and “no” I won’t let you have the car for only $3,000 because that’s all you have saved. Did you not notice I was asking $7,000 for it? No deal. And this isn’t The Price is Right. Just because you “name the price” doesn’t mean you get to have it for that price. Buy a bike instead. It’s cheaper and with your left over money, buy crack. Am I wrong?
• Stop tipping yourself. When I buy my coffee for $2.75 and hand you $3.00, don’t take that change and toss it in your tip cup as opposed to giving my my change. Sure, I would have probably given you that anyway, but now that you seem to assume I would have given you that change I want you to dig your grubby little hands into your “tip cup” and give me back my 25 cents. You get nothing for being cocky. Am I wrong?
• Why does every convenience store or drug store seem to have some type of “discount card” that they always ask me if I have it when I’m about to pay for my stuff. “Do you have a discount card?” I answer “no.” They reply, “Oh, would you like to open one?” I say “no thanks” and then the conversation ends. Why do I need a special card for this? Just give me the 4 cents I would save on my toilet paper and send me on my merry way. You know what? Next time I’m about to pay I’m going to ask them, “Do you have a ‘more money’ card because if you do I’ll give you more than the total.” I think these register workers are just on a power trip. Am I wrong?

Am I Wrong? Part III

• Why the hell are there so many people on the street? And why is everyone holding a blackberry? They’re not that small. You kinda look like your holding a laptop. Keep it in your bag. I don’t think you’re important. Am I wrong?
• Why do most restaurants automatically add a 20% tip to your bill when there are 6 of you at the table? Really? Is the 6th person really that much more work than the 5th person? Do you think that all of a sudden when there are 6 people at the table we would NEVER be able to figure out the tip? I always tip 20%, but don’t force me to. It kinda makes me think that you think that I’m dumb. Am I wrong?
• How many charities are there in NYC and why are they all begging for money on the street? Look, I know that they’re trying to raise money, but why are you yelling to me that all you need is a penny? Really? A penny? Aren’t pennies almost out of circulation? How will a penny help? I actually don’t believe it. Sure, maybe like 76 million pennies might help, but just one? I doubt it. If you’re going to be standing on the street yelling for money, at least think big. Go for a nickle or something. Am I wrong?
• Am I good luck for the Red Sox in New York? The Yankees are down 13 games to the Red Sox. What? I had to throw it in there. Am I wrong?
• How come homeless people are obsessed with shopping carriages? You know what? Just stay in one place. Why do you need so much stuff? I mean, you’re living on the street. Are you just showing off to your other homeless friends? You’re all like, “Hey Bert, sorry I gotta go. I’m moving up the street. Let me just take alllll my stuff and toss it in my shopping carriage and push it up the street.” You know what? Nobody like a bragger. Just stick to being homeless. What? Am I wrong?
• Hot enough for ya? Why do people always ask me this? It’s either “hot enough for ya” or “cold enough for ya?” You know what? Yeah. It is hot enough for me. It’s like 100 degrees and with the humidity it’s like 150 degrees. Stop asking me that. And what the hell is “hot enough?” Enough for what? Enough for who? I don’t even know how to respond to you. I feel awkward. Does anyone answer “no” to this question? Does someone say, “hot enough for ya” and you’re like “no it isn’t. I need it about 10 degrees hotter.” Kill yourself. Oh, and stop asking me that on the elevator. What? Am I wrong?
• Any big plans for the weekend? That’s another question I get all the time. What do you mean “big plans?” Yeah, I’m curing cancer this weekend, why? I can never live up to your “big plans” question. My “big plans” consist of drinking beers and by you calling it “big plans” makes me feel like I’m not doing something good enough. Thanks for making me feel like a loser. Am I wrong?

Am I Wrong: Part 2

• No, I don’t want to pet your dog. Just because you’re walking a dog doesn’t mean I want it liking my hand or leg. I may not know your dog, but I am certain that he drinks out of the toilet and licks himself. Yeah, I’m all set with that toilet tongue on me, thanks. Am I wrong?
• If you’re a guy and wearing capri pants, why? I don’t care if you’re gay, straight, etc, but why capri pants? Is it hot out? Will those keep you cool? Is it cool out? Will those keep you warm? Why are you showing off your ankle area? Please stop it, at once. Am I wrong?
• If it’s hot out and sunny and my face is red, don’t ask me if I have a sun-burn. What do you think? And don’t ask me if it hurts? My face is red and about 200 degrees. Yes it hurts. Does that bottle I just broke over your head tickle? Am I wrong?
• Don’t look at me weird and say, “Is that a grey hair?” What do you think? Next time you ask that I’m going to look behind you and say, “Is that a fat ass?” Am I wrong?
• If all you have to say to me on an elevator is “Is it Friday yet?” don’t even bother talking to me. No it isn’t Friday yet. You know when it is Friday? When it actually is Friday. P.S if you say “Hot enough for ya?” please just immediately exit the elevator. Am I wrong?
• Why is it that when someone honks their horn everyone seems to look? Do you think you’re that important that the horn is for you? How important could you be? You’re walking. Am I wrong?
• Yeah, if you’re sneezing all over the place and then tell me “oh don’t worry I’m not sick, it’s just allergies” I don’t care. There is still snot flying out of your nose at 100 miles per hour and landing all over the place. I don’t care if it’s “cold snot” or “allergy snot.” It’s still snot and I still don’t want it on me. Am I wrong?

Well that concludes another segment of “Am I Wrong?” You’re welcome. All rights reserved.

Am I Wrong?

• If I see an adult on a kids bike dressed in jeans and a jacket peddling up the street, I totally think you are an alcoholic that got their license taken away. Am I wrong?
• When I’m stopped at a street light and kids come running over to my car in their baseball uniforms with a can filled with cash and want me to donate some money, I still think it’s a scam. I totally think it’s their old baseball uniform from last year and they’re going to take my money to go by weed. Am I wrong?
• When buying a TV I think that the cheaper TV’s don’t have the cables screwed in all the way so that the more expensive TV’s have the clearer picture and make you want to buy them. Am I wrong?
• It’s totally rude when I send you a Myspace message and you open it, read it, and then don’t respond. It’s Myspace, I can tell when you read my email. It says that you did. I think it’s rude not to respond back. Am I wrong?
• Are half the stories on Extreme Makeover Home Edition made up? Seriously, each week the stories get worse and worse. It’s only a matter of time before one of the members of the family are killed on the application video just to seem “different” from the rest of the video applications. Am I wrong?
• Speaking of Extreme Makeover Home Edition, why do the families always seem so shocked when they say “move that bus?” It’s like season 17 of this show. You know that your new house is going to look insane. For a nice twist, I would have the original house leveled and not have a new house built, so when the bus does move, I’d be like…what? We didn’t finish your house….and we’re leaving. Good luck to ya. Am I wrong?
• Why are guys jeans getting so small. I’m not getting bigger. The jeans are getting smaller and tighter. Seriously, they’re like trying on spandex. I don’t want skin-tight jeans. I don’t want baggy jeans. I just want normal jeans. Am I wrong?
• How is Fergie famous? No really, why? Am I wrong?
• Why do people still type LOL? I miss the days of “haha” Why can’t be go back to those days? I don’t need to know you are “laughing out loud.” If you type “haha” I certainly don’t think you are laughing without making noise. I know it’s out loud. Stop the LOL. Am I wrong?
• If you’re driving an old station-wagon with wood paneling really slowly through a neighborhood, you’re a molester and/or kidnapper. What, am I wrong?

That’s all. Thank you.