I’m sorry, it was wrong for me to say that Ali Lohan has sprouted boobs. What I should have said was Aliana Lohan has sprouted boobs. She should be called by her formal name at a time like this.

Us Weekly is trying to stir the white-trash-freckled-overly-tanned pot by doing a side-by-side comparison of Ali Lohan looking lite-breasted and then fully-breasted. Are they trying to say that Ali bought her rack? Either way this is the type of stuff that gets dirty old men arrested whilst on “To Catch a Predator.”

All I know is that Ali Lohan looks like she’d knock a bitch out. I bet she’s a scrappy fighter. She’s not pulling hair and slapping she’s totally putting people in a headlock and giving them an Indian sunburn.

At the end of the day I say who really cares! Buy boobs. Don’t buy boobs. Regardless, Dina Lohan will be burning in hell for being a horrible horrible mother (allegedly). See you in hell Dina! No really, I’ll be there too. If you get there first grab me an iced coffee….regular, with just milk. Oh, and bring the sun-block. I don’t want to freckle like Linds.

Alright. I love me some Dinasaur Lohan. Clearly. But is there any chance she can stop saying the same crap over and over (and over) again about why she did her reality show? The Dinasaur and Ali (who is obviously pushing retirement age) were on the CBS Early Show, which apparently is still on the air, to defend their reality show “Living Lohan.” Here’s what Dinasaur had to say (please read this with a deep, deep voice):

“The only reason why I did the show originally was to diffuse the rumors. The press for two years was really horrific on us. Ali is a talented artist. I have two sons as well who have nothing to do with the business. I think at that point, you know, there’s such a weird perception of Hollywood families and we’re so not like that. We’re just normal people.”

Good thinking, Dinasaur! Nothing gets you away from the press and the spotlight quite like being in a reality show and then going on a press tour. Brilliant!

Ali, on the other hand, stated that she wanted to do the show in order to prove to people that at 14 years old she did not have a nose job. No really. She said that. Is getting a show that easy these days because if it is I’m all in. I’m heading over to E! and pitching a reality show on this basis: “I want a show to prove to everyone that I do other things than blog.” I’m just kidding. I don’t do other things.

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While the Bravo A-List Awards dragged on last night I began to wonder why I was still there. Then I hear the announcer say, “Ladies and gentlemen, Dina and Ali Lohan!” I perk up and psyched and actually say the words out loud, “I F’n love Dina.” There I said it. I said it. I own it. I’m fine with it. Then Kathy Griffin comes out shaking her head. No Dina? Nope. Kathy told us that the class act that is Dina Lohan called at 3:00 to cancel her appearance. The red carpet started at like 5 and the show started taping around 7:00. I was so disappointed there was no Dina and Ali, but then Kathy decided that since they weren’t there she was going to talk smack about them….and then did for about 5 minutes. It was great. They even placed placement card of Dina and Ali on chairs up in the front since they weren’t there.

The jet-setting Lohan’s arrived in NYC yesterday with their sidekick, Samantha Rotten, and apparently some chick that I’m pretty sure is a Sarah Jessica Parker stand-in. Lindsay and Helen Hunt were even hand-in-hand at one point as the paparazzi followed their stank asses around town.

Seriously I look at those three and think they look like they all need a good scrubbing. Lindsay and Ali look like they have self-tanner buildup and ring around the collar. Oh, and I’m pretty sure Ali caught a whiff of her own stank in the second picture. And you know Dina is PISSED that she wasn’t there for that photo opportunity. As a sidenote, I bet Sam licks the subway floor. Just a thought.

So time to confess. Who tuned in to watch “Living Lohan” last night? You know you did. So did I. While most people were ready to trash it, I was ready for it to be my summer filler until The Hills comes back in August. Here are my thoughts on what went down on the first crapisode of “Living Lohan” which I will now be calling “That’s My Nana Lohan!”

I’m not going to lie, I’m sorta not impressed with their house. Don’t get me wrong, it’s nice, but I figured they would be in this gaudy mansion that was filled with gold and marble and funded by Lindsay. It’s kinda like an extra large house decorated in 80’s chic. We learn a lot about Dina in the first 5 minutes, such as she has big nostrils, has a personal assistant, and reads the tabloids every morning because “she’s forced to” so she knows who to sue.

This picture speaks volumes. Luckily, my volume is on mute. Anyway, in case you’ve been living in a cave, Dina Lohan and Ali Lohan are technically conducting a major media shitstorm to promote the absolute piss out of their new reality show, which I believe is called “New Ways Stage Mothers Can Shorten a Child’s Life.” I love it. I actually can’t wait to see their new show.

I love Dinasaur and Ali Lohan for many reasons. First off, Dinasaur Lohan is 100% what I pictured Joe Polniaczek from “The Facts of Life” to be like once she grew up and had a family. Oh, and Ali seems to be the only Lohan who has this thick Long Island/Brooklyn accent. I hear Ali speak on all sorts of interviews and suddenly she’s Tony Danza from “Who’s the Boss.” She’s like “Ay-Oh, Oh Ay, be quiet Ma, will ya?” Brilliant.

It’s so painfully awkward to watch Ali interact with her mom during interviews together because everyone only wants to talk about Lindsay being a whore-like train wreck or how F’d up Dina is for doing this and before Ali can give her opinion she always has to look over to her mom in an absolute panicky terror. You know one wrong answer and Dina is busting out the wire hangers to beat this little bitch down.

As a sidenote, did you know that Ali is only 14 years old? 14. There’s a chance she doesn’t even have her period yet and Dina is already pimping her the hell out. Dina must be pumping Ali full of steroids and cups of Sanka. I give Ali until 15 before she’s pregnant, 15 and 3 months until her first abortion, 16 before her first stint in rehab, 17 before she serves under 90 days in jail, 18 before she serves more than 90 days in jail, and 19 before she’s arrested for a public fight with her mother in the bathroom of The Ivy. Nice work Dinasaur!

Ring the alarm! When WE TV has an event, all the a-listers come out to show their support. WE TV was hosting a panel discussion and having a screening for their new show that’s getting a ton of buzz called, “High School Confidential.” This reality/documentary has been filming for 4-years and followed the lives of high school students and their trials and tribulations. Ok, now that business is taken care of let’s move on to exactly showed up to this.

First off they were lucky enough to attract the likes of Michael Lohan! Cherry, cherry, bell. When Michael got the call he put on his best shoe salesman sports coat and tightest stonewashed jeans he could find in his hamper. Next up Ali Lohan and tanerific mom, Dina, even stopped by. Careful Ali, it’s a school night and you’re 13 so hit the books or you’ll end up like you sister, Lindsay No Pants. Finally, Suchin Pak and Ally Sheedy made an appearance because, you know, they both make sense. Seriously? Even I should have been invited to this shitshow. Oh well.

Sadly, I may have to temporarily stop hunting Olsen Sluts. What? I said temporarily. As I typically don’t report on things that people tell me and only comment on other peoples stories I figure it’s year 2 of ImBringingBloggingBack (or Y2IBBB for short) so why not step it up a notch. Everyone seems to be wondering where in the holy-hell Lindsay Lohan is hiding. Well, a friend of mine out on the left-coast, who is also my left-coast spy, has informed me that Lindsay No Pants is right in my backyard of NYC. And I kind of mean that literally. The apartment that Lindsay owns is actually part of my view here in NYC. So I’ve decided to hunt down the entire Lohan Bunch….even that little bitch Ali. Just kidding, I don’t even know Ali. I’m sure she’s not little. I totally want to hang out with Dina though. I bet she gets all sloppy drunk and swears like a truck-driver…and then pukes. She seems like a real hoot. So wish me luck on my hunt. Oh, and sleep with one eye open Olsen’s!

1. ‘I want to look like you, you’re so pretty!” – yeah Linds (I call her “Linds”), you know you just made that part up. I doubt Ali is up at night praying that she gets a case of the “freckleitis.”
2. If she really wants to do what you do than Dina must be psyched she’s saving money on underpants.
3. You’re like her second mother? Second? Yeah, no no you’re like her first mother. That’s right Dina I said it. Deal with it.

Lindsay continued by discussing her bother, Cody.

“My brother Cody is 19. He wants to stay out of the limelight and become a lawyer. I want him to be an entertainment lawyer, so he can help me out!”

Awesome. Here’s what I think:

1. DUDE! What is it like to be 19, Lindsay’s brother, and seeing pictures of your sister’s “lady business” getting in and out of cars and on and off of boats? The money that Dina is saving on underpants should go towards buying gallons of bleach so you can pour it in your eyes.
2. He may become an entertainment lawyer, but Lindsay you’re going to have to wait for him to bust your dad out of the slammer before he even starts to work on your messy legal issues.

Honey, I’m going to need you to really focus on this open letter to you, ok? I’m going to need you to nod in agreement from time to time as you read this, ok? Good.

Aloe, you are at the very young age of 13. Already, you have made more money than I may see in my lifetime. You see, I am already jealous of you for this one reason alone (that, and you probably have taken a bath with Lindsay before….is it freckles all over? Even…down…there?). Moving on. Ok, so you have a Christmas album out right now. I think that is a good start. You definitely need to start out with that “holy” image as your sister probably will make many of us think bad things about you. I say this because you guys look very much alike and you have that same “nails on a chalkboard” voice.

So, here is where my concern comes in. You claim that you and Lindsay talk every day and Lindsay gives you tips on how to become a star. Look, don’t listen. Oh yeah, and don’t listen to your mom either. Is dad still in jail? If so, score one for you! I need you to listen to me, a perfect stranger, yet someone who is dead on. You need to be the “anti-Lindsay.” That’s right. You need to where pants and underpants at all times. You need to stay off the bottle. You need to stay the hell away from The Ivy. You need to just not drive. Ok, so you’re only 13, but 16 is right around the corner. You need to just get a driver. You must never go anywhere with Paris Hilton or Britney Spears. Please also stay clear of Nicole Richie. You must eat. You must eat. Oh, and you must eat. You must sing songs that are fitting for a girl your age. Therefore, you must stay clear of anything that JoJo passes up, meaning that you must not have lyrics that deal with “how to touch a girl” and “come with me, stay the night.” I said it before and I’ll say it again, JoJo is the next “Lindsay Lohan in Waiting.”

Following my instructions carefully can insure you some staying power in Hollywood and when everyone is over Lindsay No Pants, people will think that you are refreshing. Now, if after a few years your career isn’t going exactly where you want it please make sure to abandon my instructions and just stick with whoring it up. But, please do it in moderation.No one likes a showoff. Best of luck!
Luke-Warm Regards,
Pasquale @ ImBringingBloggingBack