More Mindless Stories on ‘2 minute recaps’

2 Minute Recaps: Coronita?

Back by popular demand is “2 Minute Recaps.” A spinoff of “Harriet Carter Wednesday,” watch my favorite Harriet Carter model, Rachel Platt, host this online cooking show like a champ. If you’re new to this, check out last weeks explainer by clicking here. Now that we’re all settled, here’s my craptastic recap of this weeks episode of Rachel and Will making “Brussel Sprouts.” Is it “Brussels Sprouts” or “Brussel Sprouts?” Oh well, who cares. Let’s go!

• I have to admit I actually learned something from these 2 crazy cats. I never even heard of “Coronita” only “Corona” but apparently that exists. At first I thought it was a trick, but then I Googled the hell out of it and discovered it’s just another name for Corona in other parts of the country. The more you know.
• Rachel is all “saladed” out and, since she’s a 10 yr old brat, she’s afraid of stinky little brussel sprouts. However, what in the holy hell is she talking about when she says she’s looking for a side-dish (to replace salad) that doesn’t turn to mush!? Uh, how about anything non-mushy. Just a thought.
• Haha! Awesome. I’m pretty sure Chef Will just insulted Rachel’s mother. I love “yo’ mama” jokes. Now if only he could throw “whore” in the sentence somewhere I would be 100% proud of him. Now I’m just 95% proud of him.
• Oh my GOD it’s like cooking with The Riddler. Rachey-poo asks a million f’n questions. She even asks questions I’m not thinking about. Even Will seems pissed. He rolls his eyes at one of her 16 million questions. Put a lid on it, Rach, and stick that purple chest out!
• Uh oh…CLEAR…Rachel is flat-lining. Hopefully that gulp of wine will bring her back to life. All that talk about boiling and draining must really take a toll on her. I mean, to be alert for a 2 minute cooking segment must be strenuous.
• Wait, did Rachel just say she takes in the the can and the box? To which, Chef Will replied, “A can…a box…it doesn’t matter.” Yeah, I guess as long as you’re putting it into something it’s a success.
• When Rach is “smelling the corn starch” and robotically stating, “I-don’t-know-how-good-it-is” I can see a microphone attached to her left boob. You mean to tell me that these two can afford microphones, but can’t yell “cut” when they mess up or when things get really awkward? Priorities.
• When Chef Will says that the corn starch is “a nice creaming agent” I’m pretty sure Rachel was thinking, “Wait a minute, I thought I was the nice creaming agent.”
• Like the animal she is, Rachel shoves the entire brussel sprout into her mouth, while it’s steaming hotter than a whore in church. Shockingly she is now burning the insides of her mouth and I’m pretty sure I can see a little panic on her face, no joke. But please, don’t yell “cut” just keep going because this looks great.
• Sidenote: Why does Rachel have a diamond ring on her middle finger? Do people do that?
• I would have paid Rachel $5,000 for Rachel to yell out, “Yowza! Brussel sprouts give me the shits!” and then run off camera.

2 Minute Recaps: The Pilot Episode

• Luckily Rachel is sporting her “peek-a-boob” shirt again for what seems like the 5th week in a row. I’d say let’s chip in to buy her a new shirt, but a little peek-a-boob never hurt anyone.
• What the hell is “food controversy?”
• Haha the “director” (and I use that term loosely) must have told Rachel to show a little anger and frustration so, of course, she basically says “Uggggghhh.” I’m mad too, Rachel. Ugggggggh.
• How come when Rachel has to introduce “Chef Will” she never says his last name? She’s always like “Wiiiiiiiiiiiiiilllllll.” I mean, I wouldn’t want my first and last name associated with this crap either, but it just sounds odd. Let’s call him “Will Williams.”
• Rachel still doesn’t know when things are cooked and asks Chef Will Williams how do you know veggies are cooked? I’m waiting for her next question to be “Where do babies come from, Will?” The answer, of course, is “Santa.”
• Riggity Rach tries to impress us all by letting us know that some people like their vegetables al-dente. Is it bad that at this point I want to shoot Rachel with horse tranquilizers?
• Awesome, I believe Rachel is up to her 3rd chug of wine. Next time I think she should put the wine bottle in a brown paper bag and just drink out of that.
• Ugh. I really am mad now. Apparently Rachel is new to planet Earth. She was blissfully unaware that vegans cannot have cheese. She literally seems shocked by this….and a little pissed off. Something tells me Rachel will not be staying in close touch with her cheeseless eating vegan friends much longer.
• Even though her vegan friends can’t eat cheese Rachel insists on putting cheese on hers. I feel like Rach was that fat little bitchy girl at a 7-yr olds birthday party that basically made the party all about her. She probably blew out the candles on the birthday girls cake, took the first swing at the pinata, cheated while playing pin the tail on the donkey, and pushed people over while getting “right foot green” during the Twister game. Just a guess. I could be wrong.
• What in the holy hell is Chef Will Williams making? How many f’n layers is that thing? No joke it’s 10 layers and won’t even stay together. Rachel, the bratty beast she is, whines that she’s hungry and demands to eat this 10-layer sandwich that is basically on fire.
• Rachel’s mouth opens up like a snake who is about to unhinge its jaw to eat a baby seal. She says “mmmmm” but I’m pretty sure her throat is in the process of closing up as it has been burnt to death.
• As the crapisode concludes and the music is playing you can still hear Rachel bitching about vegans not being able to eat cheese. It’s at this point that I’m pretty sure Chef Will Williams regrets ever going to culinary school. Either way, stars are born with these two, the Harpo and Groucho Marx of our time!

2 Minute Failure Model Recaps!

• Well looky-loo, Rachel is showing a little peek-a-boo cleavage in this episode. Way to distract Chef Will from his strategic cooking, Rach! Peek-a-boob!
• Yeah, so I’m pretty convinced that Rachel is drunk. She seems a little to excited about Will making a rockin’ risotto. I especially like the part where she introduces him like Ed McMahon and then does the “white guy at a wedding dance and point.” All she need to complete that was bite her lower lip. Next time perhaps.
• Rachel, of course, is stumped right off the bat when Chef Will says “rockin’ risotto” and demands to know why it’s called “rockin’” Um, because that’s the name of. It’s like saying, “Happy Easter!” You don’t ask the person, “Wait a minute, why is it happy?”
• Anyway, Will explains that he’s adding a little Wasabi to the recipe and Rachel holds the bottle and yelps “Whoa!” like the bottle itself is hot. Someones been doing a little extra credit at acting school!
• Oh crap. Will simply says that he’s making a garlic lemon grass chicken and Rachel reacts like he just said to her, “Rachel, you’re heading off to war today. Best wishes in Iraq!”
• What the hell is already cooked on the stove in the back? Is this part of the recipe. I thought they usually just cook on that hot plate….you know, kinda like how you’d make soup and grilled cheese on your hot plate in college.
• Oh please, Rachel makes it look like she’s never seen a grater before. Yeah right. I’m sure that grater was claimed on her last restraining order. She puts it to the side as if she’s going to use it later to taunt animals in the zoo. You know she’s going to.
• She’s one sick bitch. She thinks the garlic and raw chicken in a glass bowl smells good. Mmmmmm, dead animal flesh. Yum!
• Hahaha I f’n love this crap. Rachel wants to know when the chicken is cooked because she always “scared of the samanella thing.” Samanella? I don’t think I know Sam. Does she mean “Salmonella?” Sal and Sam are 2 different people. Doesn’t anyone yell “cut” so they can shoot this shit again?
• Um yeah, I’m not EVER eating at Chef Wills restaurant. He uses his right hand and touches the raw chicken and then about 30 seconds later he takes that same hand to place the cooked chicken on a plate. Gross. Wash your hand you sick son-of-a-bitch. I’d be more concerned with getting something from that than uncooked chicken, Rachel.
• Rachel tastes it and puts all of her acting skills to use. Notice she doesn’t swallow it. I just assumed she’d swallow. Anyway, even Chef Will is chugging some wine know. He knows this is a bust and I’m not just talking about Rachel’s.
• Rachel is a booze hound. Listen in the last few seconds you can hear her says she needs more wine. Uh, yeah you do. I say don’t film another segment until you’ve had at least 5 glasses. Seriously, that would be great.

2 Minute Chef + 2 Minute Recap + Harriet Carter Model + Chicken = Pathetic Blogger Happiness

• Crap the purple sweater is back. At least turn it inside out for God sakes. Her pits must stink, amongst other things if you know what I mean, and I think you do….because I’m 12.
• I’m pretty sure Rachel is reading her first few lines from cue cards. She seems pissed that Thai food “isn’t generally something that is made in front of her at home.” I’d be pissed too. Where, however, are people making your Thai food and why are they hiding it?
• Rachel is, legit, like a 15-month old who copies everything that the other person does. “Chef Will” talks about the peanut butter to use and shakes the jar a bit. Rachel takes it and shakes the jar of peanut butter too. Like an infant, I don’t think Rachel is allowed to have peanut butter until she’s at least three.
• Pointless Question of the Episode from Rachel: “If I don’t have that [peanut butter] and I just have Skippy of something?” Ok Rachel finish your thought. Don’t just put your hands up in the air and shake your head. Use your words, Rachel. Sound them out if you have to.
• Hmmm, Chef Will seems a little pissed at Rachel this week. He’s a bit distant.
• Rachel gives a great idea when she tells Chef Will that you can put the chicken on the skewers ahead of time and then marinate them. He pretty much ignores her when she says this. Perhaps he’s hypnotized by the pattern in her shirt. One may never know.
• Ugh, she is so patronizing. Will says he made a little salad and Rachel is all like, “Greeeeeat!” You know, the same way you say that to a little kid who painted a picture, yet you have no idea what that picture is. Are they in a fight? There better be an E! True Hollywood Story about these two.
• Stop the press! Is Rachel sending me a subliminal message? She says this recipe is great to make on an, I don’t know, WEDNESDAY NIGHT! Harriet Carter Wednesday perhaps, Rachel? Perhaps you make your Thai Peanut Chicken recipe, grab a glass of wine, and see if you made it into Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday, perhaps? Perhaps I just want to say perhaps? Perhaps.
• Um huh? Wait, what? No really, what!?! At exactly 2 minutes and 2 seconds does Chef Will tell Rachel that she can put some “fresh penis” right on top of that? I know he was supposed to say “peanuts” but I’m pretty sure he said “penis.” Wow you can cut the sexual tension (and his penis off) with a knife! Rachel, of course, answers with a “Mmmmmm awesome!” because she loves nothing more than a side of penis with her meals. Skanky McSlutty-Blouse.
• Will is now my new hero as he tells Rachel she has “No Class” while she eats with her fingers. Awesome! Now I would have gone with something a little more catchy like, “Classless white trash” but at least he is experimenting.

Harriet Carter Spinoff Cookoff

• I’d like to start this off by asking you, the IBBB readers, to pool some money together and chip in so that Rachel can wear something else besides that purple sweatery thing.
• Rachel is 100% bullshit that her last pizza she ordered had a swimming pool of sauce. I wouldn’t put it past her to have tossed the burning hot pizza back in the delivery guys face.
• Why must she continue to ask the stupidest questions: “What’s the best way to make it at home the way I like it?” Um, well Rachel, perhaps put in the ingredients you like best. I know. Crazy concept.
• Rachel must be a party animal. She is psyched by the idea “individual size” pizza. She actually says, “…very cool for partying.” Yeah. Awesome! I love partying with pizza. Someone grab my legs I’m going in for a pizza stand! Someone time me!
• Can she please stop asking so many questions. No joke she’s always like: Why? How? What is that? Why would you do that? Can you do it any way you like? Really? God, she’s like a 3 year old that is never satisfied with the answer.
• Good old Rachel is a cooking genius. When “Chef Will” tells her you continue to make it they way they do in a pizza shop, Rachel chimes in with “obviously with cheese.” WRONG! Everyone knows a traditional pizza “shop” makes their pizza with grass clippings and blown out tires found on the highway. What a cooking rookie.
• Ugh! Every episode she asks if there is a wrong way to make the recipe. YES! YES! YES! Yes there is always a wrong way to make whatever it is that you’re making. Her secret lover, Chef Will, always claims that there isn’t a wrong way to make it. I’d love it if he’s shove her head in the pizza. Even before it’s put into the oven is fine with me.
• Now Rachel is asking if you slice the tomato before putting it on the pizza. No. Just place the entire tomato on top of the pizza. Once you place it in the oven, the “Oven Elves” will do the slicing. Even Harriet Carter is hanging her head in shame right now.
• Seriously that pizza looks gross. It’s like all dough and nothing else. It’s like eating six sandwiches at one sitting. Fine, I’m in!
• Look, I’m not a chef or a cook or even know if there is a kitchen in my apartment, but these two make it seem like there are no rules to cooking. Rachel wants to know how you can tell when the pizza is done and Chef Will says there’s really no way to know. That has to be no true, right? Someone get me on that cooking show. STAT!
• The pizza is too hot to eat (even though Rachel yells out that “hot food’s the best!” so Rachey takes off a piece of cheese and is all like, “Mmmmmm.” Yeah that cheese you put on the top is good. Adios delivery! We’ve found a clear winner!