More Mindless Stories on ‘2 minute recaps’

2 Minute Recaps: You Totally Know Rachel is Getting Trashed

• This 2 Minute Chef isn’t even that great, but the fact that my favorite FMC, Rachel, is “cooking” mojitos is, well, more than I as a loser blogger can take. Therefore, I will be stooping to a new level of “low” and basically just picking Rachel apart. Thank Christ I am perfect.
• This time around, Rachey-Poops is sporting a very fancy cooking dress and I’m almost certain she stole this dress pattern from a 1982 Howard Johnson’s Motel on Rt 1, Saugus, Massachsettes. Clearly, wearing bedspreads is all the rage.
• Why won’t Rachel cut her Dina Lohan hair? It looks like she showers, let’s half of it air-dry, and then brushes the rest with a pitch-fork. Luckily her ginormous rack-attack takes away from the hair area. I ponder if the downstairs hair is as long as the upstairs hair. I consider writing in a letter to 2 Minute Chef, but have already hit my monthly quota on restraining orders.
• Back to the task at hand. Chef Mario really classed things up and brought out the 1987 white blender. I’m certain the blade at the bottom is all rusty, so hopefully they provide tetanus shots with each drink.
• Ok no joke, Chef Mario LITERALLY pours in about 16 cups of sugar into the blender and then tells Rachel that he’s added about 1 1/2 to 2 tablespoons of sugar. Rachel, of course, believes him as they covered “measurements” in 4th grade and Rachel dropped out of school halfway through 3rd grade….allegedly.
• They finish off the ghetto mojito with a can of Sprite. Seriously what white-trash drink recipe is this? You know Rachel is getting shit-house off of these at the next family Christmas party. Everyone else will, of course, be dressed up and sober and Rachel will start grinding with old Uncle Pete and squeezing Auntie Petunia’s boobies and asking if they’re real. All in a days work at a Platt family holiday.
• Rachel wants to stick a straw in the blender and drink directly from it. Honestly, is anyone surprised? I’m not. I also wouldn’t be surprised when Rachel farts up a storm after each drink.
• Rachey tries to be all sexy when she asks Chef Mario how much he wants (in regards to alcohol). The way she says it is totally the same way she probably negotiated her deal with the Harriet Carter catalog. She walks into Harriet Carter’s corporate offices and asks them how much they want. She is, of course, tits-to-the-wind whilst asking.
• The drink is finally prepared and has chunks of ice it that I’m sure Rachel won’t choke on as she is experienced with swallowing. Read into that any which way you’d like.
• Sure this recap crapped the bed, but if the tape kept on rolling imagine the things we would have seen. I would have placed both hands into the blender to stop the pain.

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2 Minute Recap: Fancy Pancakes

• It’s time to make crepes and Rachel is not only already slurring her words a bit whilst falling out of her shirt, but she almost seems ready to orgasm when she cracks the secret code and discovers that they are, in fact, making “tiny little pancakes.” Tiny little pancakes, but “big huge rack.”
• Rachel, of course, it immediately 100% confused when “Chef Mario” tells her they are going to whisk the pancake mix. She literally says, “What is this?” Really Rach? Never seen or heard of pancake mix before? She then repeats “pancake mix, more water.” Seriously, I think Rachel shouldn’t be allowed to sleep without one of those baby monitors in her bed just to make sure she doesn’t suffocate herself at night…..or that her boobs don’t explode. Better to be safe than sorry…..whatever that means.
• The brilliant questions keep on coming when Rachey-poo asks “Chef Mario” if she can just buy crepes if she wanted to. Sure Rachel, you can totally buy crepes, but see those cameras around you? Know how you have a microphone on? Yeah, well you’re actually hosting and filming a cooking show (believe it or not) so if you went out and bought the crepes there would be no show for you to host. I know, I know. Once in a while it’s important to think about what you’re going to say and then say it if you think it still makes sense.
• Um, if they’re making a breakfast dish why are they drinking wine? I guess it’s 9:30 somewhere!
• Yeah, no one on the “set” of this show believes in yelling “cut.” Ever. Chef Mario flips the crepe and it rips and folds over a bit and they just show it in the pan like that. Looks like shit to me, jackass.
• So who didn’t know that Rachel was going to say “you can’t over do it, right?” when they are filling the crepe with jelly. Uh, yes Rach you could over do it. You could put too much jelly in it. That would over do it. Kinda like when they filled your rack with all that silicon. That kinda over did it. Just sayin’.
• Finally, the crepes are done and they look like retarded fortune cookies. No thanks, I’ll pass.
• What a cute little touch by having the dog bark at the end. It probably found the old chef, “Chef Will,” tied up in Rach’s bedroom. Skanks.

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2 Minute Recaps: RACK IS BACK!

• So, er….um….hmmmm. Hmmmmph. Hmmmm. Ummm. Errrr? Hmmm. Hmmmmmph. So, like, uh, Rachel went out and bought herself a brand new rack with all that Harriet Carter modeling money I assume. Holy pigs in a blanket! I didn’t even notice that there is a NEW CHEF because I was literally lost in Rachel’s rack-attack that is not only hanging out of her shirt, but can easily be burned by the pan. Boobs in the pan alert!
• This new season of 2 Minute Chef brings us new camera angles, new camera shots, new host boobs, and a new chef. What happened with Chef Will? Who the hell is this dude? Wait, is that The Rock? I’m pretty sure that’s just a skinnier version of him.
• Wow will ya look at Rachel. She’s all easy and breezy this time around and she’s slurring her words a bit more. I like her better already.
• So, uh, did Chef “Mario” literally just come off the soccer filed before he filmed this or does he have practice right after this segment is over? And did Rach go into her hairdresser and say “Give me Dina Lohan’s hairstyle…STAT!” I’m so confused. It’s like when they replaced Darren on Bewitched and just never said anything. I feel betrayed. Thanks “Will.” Jerk.
• At least the new boobs haven’t made Rachel any smarter because she’s already back to asking such questions as, “This is on the stove?” and “What cheeses, what cheese is this?”
• Oh, I forgot to mention they’re making Artichoke Dip…although I’m pretty sure they’re actually making “Birthing Juice.” Gross.
• For the love of God her boobs are huge. I’m sorry. I’m shocked.
• Seriously, that dip looks gross. They dig right into it and it’s as soupy and watery as Rachel during “ladies days.”
• Ok so that ends another random ass segment. There were some technical difficulties throughout this, but clearly Rachel’s new rack kept us all preoccupied. Chef Mario will have to do for now, but why does she keep calling him honey? For some reason I’m assuming this isn’t a sexual thing.

Until next time!

2 Minute Recaps: Pork You!

• Rachel is really excited to be cooking something new since all she seems to eat is “chicken flavored chicken with a side of chicken!” I know how she feels, although I typically eat turkey flavored chicken with a side of shut the F up.
• This time the pork is going to be Asian flavored and something tells me that Rach isn’t going to be so great with Asian anything. Oh, there we go. Yes, Rachel is visibly relieved that she doesn’t have to go to Chinatown to pick up the ingredients. I’m sure she’s relieved only because when she is in Chinatown she typically has to do the $2 dollar sucky sucky. For $5 dollars she does everything. Oh, and I’m pretty sure that Chef Will just made a crack about saving a couple of dogs. Uh yeah, like Asian people eat dogs. Real nice Will.
• What the hell is “Chef Will” talking about? Why would you marinate your pork loin in the sink or dishwasher? Do people do that? Really? I usually marinate my pork loin down my pants. That’s normal right? I make sure its in the front of my pants because there’s too much skid mark build up in the back of my pants. I’m disgusting.
• Oh Christ! Rachel almost suffers from a stroke when Will talks about cooking couscous. Oh snap Will even insults Rachey Poo and everything. They’re a sweet couple. They’ll have brilliant children.
• Gross. That pork looks like pigeon popsicles. No thanks.
• Insert Sexual Innuendo Here: We all have our first times. Oh Will. I bet you want to pork more than just your main course.
• Rachel legit only eats the couscous…..because that makes sense….because that takes 2 seconds to cook. Finally, Rachel is so impressed with herself that she made pork. Yeah, you didn’t make a thing. You used Will for his cooking expertise and for his pork loin…and his meat. Pig!

Well kids, this is the one of the last 2 Minute Recaps as Chef Will and Rachey haven’t cooked anything new in weeks. Let’s hope they didn’t get canceled!?

2 Minute Recaps: Meatloaf Maaaaa!

• We may be up to episode 17, but that doesn’t mean that this crew has learned to yell “cut” yet. Right off the bat within the first 1 second you can hear some lady in the background yelling “3….2…..1.” If I were Rachel I would have thrown my wine glass at her for messing me up by counting whilst I am preparing for my hosting duties. Luckily Rach is a pro and performs magically.
• Now I may not be a chef but can you technically say that ground turkey in the past was like cardboard? Isn’t bad pizza like cardboard? Perhaps Rachael was all drugged up and thought she was eating a turkey burger, but was actually eating a pizza box. Just a thought. However, thanks for the dramatics Rach. It’s like I’m watching Lost!
• How come Chef Will’s cooking strategies always include “using strong flavors.” Isn’t that the point? Who wants flavorless turkey meatloaf? I bet Rach’s idea of strong flavors is farting into the pan. I assume only.
• Why is the ground turkey looking like paste? Is there such thing as turkey paste? Nasty. Now I’m convinced more than ever that Rachel did poo-poo-pants in that bowl. Minx!
• Oh Jesus with the questions! Yes it has to be that kind of apple, Rachel! No, toss in a caramel candy apple. Toss the stick in too! It’ll all cook.
• How come when Chef Will says “add the heavy cream” he looks right at Rachel. More sexual tension? It’s like watching Ross and Rachel from “Friends” except (1) I couldn’t care less about these two and (2) it’s not like watching Ross and Rachel from Friends at all.
• I’m pretty sure that Rachel is a serial killer. She shows the signs of it. When Will is mixing up the raw turkey with his hands Rachey looks into the bowl and shouts “looks awesome!” Yay! Dead turkey carcass. Yum!
• Did Chef Will just call himself cute? Are they allowed to ad-lib like that? Next episode you know Rach-dog is going to refer to herself as a sexy bitch.
• Ok and cue the sexual innuendos: Chef Will tells Rach she has a burn proof mouth and then Rachel opens up her mouth and says “I don’t even wait!” She doesn’t wait. You can tell. Rach definitely enjoys having some hot meat in her mouth. Hopefully when she swallows it won’t burn. She totally swallows. What a pro!