More Mindless Stories on ‘2 minute recaps’

2 Minute Recaps: You Totally Know Rachel is Getting Trashed

• This 2 Minute Chef isn’t even that great, but the fact that my favorite FMC, Rachel, is “cooking” mojitos is, well, more than I as a loser blogger can take. Therefore, I will be stooping to a new level of “low” and basically just picking Rachel apart. Thank Christ I am perfect.
• This time around, Rachey-Poops is sporting a very fancy cooking dress and I’m almost certain she stole this dress pattern from a 1982 Howard Johnson’s Motel on Rt 1, Saugus, Massachsettes. Clearly, wearing bedspreads is all the rage.
• Why won’t Rachel cut her Dina Lohan hair? It looks like she showers, let’s half of it air-dry, and then brushes the rest with a pitch-fork. Luckily her ginormous rack-attack takes away from the hair area. I ponder if the downstairs hair is as long as the upstairs hair. I consider writing in a letter to 2 Minute Chef, but have already hit my monthly quota on restraining orders.
• Back to the task at hand. Chef Mario really classed things up and brought out the 1987 white blender. I’m certain the blade at the bottom is all rusty, so hopefully they provide tetanus shots with each drink.
• Ok no joke, Chef Mario LITERALLY pours in about 16 cups of sugar into the blender and then tells Rachel that he’s added about 1 1/2 to 2 tablespoons of sugar. Rachel, of course, believes him as they covered “measurements” in 4th grade and Rachel dropped out of school halfway through 3rd grade….allegedly.
• They finish off the ghetto mojito with a can of Sprite. Seriously what white-trash drink recipe is this? You know Rachel is getting shit-house off of these at the next family Christmas party. Everyone else will, of course, be dressed up and sober and Rachel will start grinding with old Uncle Pete and squeezing Auntie Petunia’s boobies and asking if they’re real. All in a days work at a Platt family holiday.
• Rachel wants to stick a straw in the blender and drink directly from it. Honestly, is anyone surprised? I’m not. I also wouldn’t be surprised when Rachel farts up a storm after each drink.
• Rachey tries to be all sexy when she asks Chef Mario how much he wants (in regards to alcohol). The way she says it is totally the same way she probably negotiated her deal with the Harriet Carter catalog. She walks into Harriet Carter’s corporate offices and asks them how much they want. She is, of course, tits-to-the-wind whilst asking.
• The drink is finally prepared and has chunks of ice it that I’m sure Rachel won’t choke on as she is experienced with swallowing. Read into that any which way you’d like.
• Sure this recap crapped the bed, but if the tape kept on rolling imagine the things we would have seen. I would have placed both hands into the blender to stop the pain.

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2 Minute Recap: Fancy Pancakes

• It’s time to make crepes and Rachel is not only already slurring her words a bit whilst falling out of her shirt, but she almost seems ready to orgasm when she cracks the secret code and discovers that they are, in fact, making “tiny little pancakes.” Tiny little pancakes, but “big huge rack.”
• Rachel, of course, it immediately 100% confused when “Chef Mario” tells her they are going to whisk the pancake mix. She literally says, “What is this?” Really Rach? Never seen or heard of pancake mix before? She then repeats “pancake mix, more water.” Seriously, I think Rachel shouldn’t be allowed to sleep without one of those baby monitors in her bed just to make sure she doesn’t suffocate herself at night…..or that her boobs don’t explode. Better to be safe than sorry…..whatever that means.
• The brilliant questions keep on coming when Rachey-poo asks “Chef Mario” if she can just buy crepes if she wanted to. Sure Rachel, you can totally buy crepes, but see those cameras around you? Know how you have a microphone on? Yeah, well you’re actually hosting and filming a cooking show (believe it or not) so if you went out and bought the crepes there would be no show for you to host. I know, I know. Once in a while it’s important to think about what you’re going to say and then say it if you think it still makes sense.
• Um, if they’re making a breakfast dish why are they drinking wine? I guess it’s 9:30 somewhere!
• Yeah, no one on the “set” of this show believes in yelling “cut.” Ever. Chef Mario flips the crepe and it rips and folds over a bit and they just show it in the pan like that. Looks like shit to me, jackass.
• So who didn’t know that Rachel was going to say “you can’t over do it, right?” when they are filling the crepe with jelly. Uh, yes Rach you could over do it. You could put too much jelly in it. That would over do it. Kinda like when they filled your rack with all that silicon. That kinda over did it. Just sayin’.
• Finally, the crepes are done and they look like retarded fortune cookies. No thanks, I’ll pass.
• What a cute little touch by having the dog bark at the end. It probably found the old chef, “Chef Will,” tied up in Rach’s bedroom. Skanks.

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2 Minute Recaps: RACK IS BACK!

• So, er….um….hmmmm. Hmmmmph. Hmmmm. Ummm. Errrr? Hmmm. Hmmmmmph. So, like, uh, Rachel went out and bought herself a brand new rack with all that Harriet Carter modeling money I assume. Holy pigs in a blanket! I didn’t even notice that there is a NEW CHEF because I was literally lost in Rachel’s rack-attack that is not only hanging out of her shirt, but can easily be burned by the pan. Boobs in the pan alert!
• This new season of 2 Minute Chef brings us new camera angles, new camera shots, new host boobs, and a new chef. What happened with Chef Will? Who the hell is this dude? Wait, is that The Rock? I’m pretty sure that’s just a skinnier version of him.
• Wow will ya look at Rachel. She’s all easy and breezy this time around and she’s slurring her words a bit more. I like her better already.
• So, uh, did Chef “Mario” literally just come off the soccer filed before he filmed this or does he have practice right after this segment is over? And did Rach go into her hairdresser and say “Give me Dina Lohan’s hairstyle…STAT!” I’m so confused. It’s like when they replaced Darren on Bewitched and just never said anything. I feel betrayed. Thanks “Will.” Jerk.
• At least the new boobs haven’t made Rachel any smarter because she’s already back to asking such questions as, “This is on the stove?” and “What cheeses, what cheese is this?”
• Oh, I forgot to mention they’re making Artichoke Dip…although I’m pretty sure they’re actually making “Birthing Juice.” Gross.
• For the love of God her boobs are huge. I’m sorry. I’m shocked.
• Seriously, that dip looks gross. They dig right into it and it’s as soupy and watery as Rachel during “ladies days.”
• Ok so that ends another random ass segment. There were some technical difficulties throughout this, but clearly Rachel’s new rack kept us all preoccupied. Chef Mario will have to do for now, but why does she keep calling him honey? For some reason I’m assuming this isn’t a sexual thing.

Until next time!

2 Minute Recaps: Pork You!

• Rachel is really excited to be cooking something new since all she seems to eat is “chicken flavored chicken with a side of chicken!” I know how she feels, although I typically eat turkey flavored chicken with a side of shut the F up.
• This time the pork is going to be Asian flavored and something tells me that Rach isn’t going to be so great with Asian anything. Oh, there we go. Yes, Rachel is visibly relieved that she doesn’t have to go to Chinatown to pick up the ingredients. I’m sure she’s relieved only because when she is in Chinatown she typically has to do the $2 dollar sucky sucky. For $5 dollars she does everything. Oh, and I’m pretty sure that Chef Will just made a crack about saving a couple of dogs. Uh yeah, like Asian people eat dogs. Real nice Will.
• What the hell is “Chef Will” talking about? Why would you marinate your pork loin in the sink or dishwasher? Do people do that? Really? I usually marinate my pork loin down my pants. That’s normal right? I make sure its in the front of my pants because there’s too much skid mark build up in the back of my pants. I’m disgusting.
• Oh Christ! Rachel almost suffers from a stroke when Will talks about cooking couscous. Oh snap Will even insults Rachey Poo and everything. They’re a sweet couple. They’ll have brilliant children.
• Gross. That pork looks like pigeon popsicles. No thanks.
• Insert Sexual Innuendo Here: We all have our first times. Oh Will. I bet you want to pork more than just your main course.
• Rachel legit only eats the couscous…..because that makes sense….because that takes 2 seconds to cook. Finally, Rachel is so impressed with herself that she made pork. Yeah, you didn’t make a thing. You used Will for his cooking expertise and for his pork loin…and his meat. Pig!

Well kids, this is the one of the last 2 Minute Recaps as Chef Will and Rachey haven’t cooked anything new in weeks. Let’s hope they didn’t get canceled!?

2 Minute Recaps: Meatloaf Maaaaa!

• We may be up to episode 17, but that doesn’t mean that this crew has learned to yell “cut” yet. Right off the bat within the first 1 second you can hear some lady in the background yelling “3….2…..1.” If I were Rachel I would have thrown my wine glass at her for messing me up by counting whilst I am preparing for my hosting duties. Luckily Rach is a pro and performs magically.
• Now I may not be a chef but can you technically say that ground turkey in the past was like cardboard? Isn’t bad pizza like cardboard? Perhaps Rachael was all drugged up and thought she was eating a turkey burger, but was actually eating a pizza box. Just a thought. However, thanks for the dramatics Rach. It’s like I’m watching Lost!
• How come Chef Will’s cooking strategies always include “using strong flavors.” Isn’t that the point? Who wants flavorless turkey meatloaf? I bet Rach’s idea of strong flavors is farting into the pan. I assume only.
• Why is the ground turkey looking like paste? Is there such thing as turkey paste? Nasty. Now I’m convinced more than ever that Rachel did poo-poo-pants in that bowl. Minx!
• Oh Jesus with the questions! Yes it has to be that kind of apple, Rachel! No, toss in a caramel candy apple. Toss the stick in too! It’ll all cook.
• How come when Chef Will says “add the heavy cream” he looks right at Rachel. More sexual tension? It’s like watching Ross and Rachel from “Friends” except (1) I couldn’t care less about these two and (2) it’s not like watching Ross and Rachel from Friends at all.
• I’m pretty sure that Rachel is a serial killer. She shows the signs of it. When Will is mixing up the raw turkey with his hands Rachey looks into the bowl and shouts “looks awesome!” Yay! Dead turkey carcass. Yum!
• Did Chef Will just call himself cute? Are they allowed to ad-lib like that? Next episode you know Rach-dog is going to refer to herself as a sexy bitch.
• Ok and cue the sexual innuendos: Chef Will tells Rach she has a burn proof mouth and then Rachel opens up her mouth and says “I don’t even wait!” She doesn’t wait. You can tell. Rach definitely enjoys having some hot meat in her mouth. Hopefully when she swallows it won’t burn. She totally swallows. What a pro!

2 Minute Recaps: Coronita?

Back by popular demand is “2 Minute Recaps.” A spinoff of “Harriet Carter Wednesday,” watch my favorite Harriet Carter model, Rachel Platt, host this online cooking show like a champ. If you’re new to this, check out last weeks explainer by clicking here. Now that we’re all settled, here’s my craptastic recap of this weeks episode of Rachel and Will making “Brussel Sprouts.” Is it “Brussels Sprouts” or “Brussel Sprouts?” Oh well, who cares. Let’s go!

• I have to admit I actually learned something from these 2 crazy cats. I never even heard of “Coronita” only “Corona” but apparently that exists. At first I thought it was a trick, but then I Googled the hell out of it and discovered it’s just another name for Corona in other parts of the country. The more you know.
• Rachel is all “saladed” out and, since she’s a 10 yr old brat, she’s afraid of stinky little brussel sprouts. However, what in the holy hell is she talking about when she says she’s looking for a side-dish (to replace salad) that doesn’t turn to mush!? Uh, how about anything non-mushy. Just a thought.
• Haha! Awesome. I’m pretty sure Chef Will just insulted Rachel’s mother. I love “yo’ mama” jokes. Now if only he could throw “whore” in the sentence somewhere I would be 100% proud of him. Now I’m just 95% proud of him.
• Oh my GOD it’s like cooking with The Riddler. Rachey-poo asks a million f’n questions. She even asks questions I’m not thinking about. Even Will seems pissed. He rolls his eyes at one of her 16 million questions. Put a lid on it, Rach, and stick that purple chest out!
• Uh oh…CLEAR…Rachel is flat-lining. Hopefully that gulp of wine will bring her back to life. All that talk about boiling and draining must really take a toll on her. I mean, to be alert for a 2 minute cooking segment must be strenuous.
• Wait, did Rachel just say she takes in the the can and the box? To which, Chef Will replied, “A can…a box…it doesn’t matter.” Yeah, I guess as long as you’re putting it into something it’s a success.
• When Rach is “smelling the corn starch” and robotically stating, “I-don’t-know-how-good-it-is” I can see a microphone attached to her left boob. You mean to tell me that these two can afford microphones, but can’t yell “cut” when they mess up or when things get really awkward? Priorities.
• When Chef Will says that the corn starch is “a nice creaming agent” I’m pretty sure Rachel was thinking, “Wait a minute, I thought I was the nice creaming agent.”
• Like the animal she is, Rachel shoves the entire brussel sprout into her mouth, while it’s steaming hotter than a whore in church. Shockingly she is now burning the insides of her mouth and I’m pretty sure I can see a little panic on her face, no joke. But please, don’t yell “cut” just keep going because this looks great.
• Sidenote: Why does Rachel have a diamond ring on her middle finger? Do people do that?
• I would have paid Rachel $5,000 for Rachel to yell out, “Yowza! Brussel sprouts give me the shits!” and then run off camera.

2 Minute Recaps: The Pilot Episode

• Luckily Rachel is sporting her “peek-a-boob” shirt again for what seems like the 5th week in a row. I’d say let’s chip in to buy her a new shirt, but a little peek-a-boob never hurt anyone.
• What the hell is “food controversy?”
• Haha the “director” (and I use that term loosely) must have told Rachel to show a little anger and frustration so, of course, she basically says “Uggggghhh.” I’m mad too, Rachel. Ugggggggh.
• How come when Rachel has to introduce “Chef Will” she never says his last name? She’s always like “Wiiiiiiiiiiiiiilllllll.” I mean, I wouldn’t want my first and last name associated with this crap either, but it just sounds odd. Let’s call him “Will Williams.”
• Rachel still doesn’t know when things are cooked and asks Chef Will Williams how do you know veggies are cooked? I’m waiting for her next question to be “Where do babies come from, Will?” The answer, of course, is “Santa.”
• Riggity Rach tries to impress us all by letting us know that some people like their vegetables al-dente. Is it bad that at this point I want to shoot Rachel with horse tranquilizers?
• Awesome, I believe Rachel is up to her 3rd chug of wine. Next time I think she should put the wine bottle in a brown paper bag and just drink out of that.
• Ugh. I really am mad now. Apparently Rachel is new to planet Earth. She was blissfully unaware that vegans cannot have cheese. She literally seems shocked by this….and a little pissed off. Something tells me Rachel will not be staying in close touch with her cheeseless eating vegan friends much longer.
• Even though her vegan friends can’t eat cheese Rachel insists on putting cheese on hers. I feel like Rach was that fat little bitchy girl at a 7-yr olds birthday party that basically made the party all about her. She probably blew out the candles on the birthday girls cake, took the first swing at the pinata, cheated while playing pin the tail on the donkey, and pushed people over while getting “right foot green” during the Twister game. Just a guess. I could be wrong.
• What in the holy hell is Chef Will Williams making? How many f’n layers is that thing? No joke it’s 10 layers and won’t even stay together. Rachel, the bratty beast she is, whines that she’s hungry and demands to eat this 10-layer sandwich that is basically on fire.
• Rachel’s mouth opens up like a snake who is about to unhinge its jaw to eat a baby seal. She says “mmmmm” but I’m pretty sure her throat is in the process of closing up as it has been burnt to death.
• As the crapisode concludes and the music is playing you can still hear Rachel bitching about vegans not being able to eat cheese. It’s at this point that I’m pretty sure Chef Will Williams regrets ever going to culinary school. Either way, stars are born with these two, the Harpo and Groucho Marx of our time!

2 Minute Failure Model Recaps!

• Well looky-loo, Rachel is showing a little peek-a-boo cleavage in this episode. Way to distract Chef Will from his strategic cooking, Rach! Peek-a-boob!
• Yeah, so I’m pretty convinced that Rachel is drunk. She seems a little to excited about Will making a rockin’ risotto. I especially like the part where she introduces him like Ed McMahon and then does the “white guy at a wedding dance and point.” All she need to complete that was bite her lower lip. Next time perhaps.
• Rachel, of course, is stumped right off the bat when Chef Will says “rockin’ risotto” and demands to know why it’s called “rockin’” Um, because that’s the name of. It’s like saying, “Happy Easter!” You don’t ask the person, “Wait a minute, why is it happy?”
• Anyway, Will explains that he’s adding a little Wasabi to the recipe and Rachel holds the bottle and yelps “Whoa!” like the bottle itself is hot. Someones been doing a little extra credit at acting school!
• Oh crap. Will simply says that he’s making a garlic lemon grass chicken and Rachel reacts like he just said to her, “Rachel, you’re heading off to war today. Best wishes in Iraq!”
• What the hell is already cooked on the stove in the back? Is this part of the recipe. I thought they usually just cook on that hot plate….you know, kinda like how you’d make soup and grilled cheese on your hot plate in college.
• Oh please, Rachel makes it look like she’s never seen a grater before. Yeah right. I’m sure that grater was claimed on her last restraining order. She puts it to the side as if she’s going to use it later to taunt animals in the zoo. You know she’s going to.
• She’s one sick bitch. She thinks the garlic and raw chicken in a glass bowl smells good. Mmmmmm, dead animal flesh. Yum!
• Hahaha I f’n love this crap. Rachel wants to know when the chicken is cooked because she always “scared of the samanella thing.” Samanella? I don’t think I know Sam. Does she mean “Salmonella?” Sal and Sam are 2 different people. Doesn’t anyone yell “cut” so they can shoot this shit again?
• Um yeah, I’m not EVER eating at Chef Wills restaurant. He uses his right hand and touches the raw chicken and then about 30 seconds later he takes that same hand to place the cooked chicken on a plate. Gross. Wash your hand you sick son-of-a-bitch. I’d be more concerned with getting something from that than uncooked chicken, Rachel.
• Rachel tastes it and puts all of her acting skills to use. Notice she doesn’t swallow it. I just assumed she’d swallow. Anyway, even Chef Will is chugging some wine know. He knows this is a bust and I’m not just talking about Rachel’s.
• Rachel is a booze hound. Listen in the last few seconds you can hear her says she needs more wine. Uh, yeah you do. I say don’t film another segment until you’ve had at least 5 glasses. Seriously, that would be great.

2 Minute Chef + 2 Minute Recap + Harriet Carter Model + Chicken = Pathetic Blogger Happiness

• Crap the purple sweater is back. At least turn it inside out for God sakes. Her pits must stink, amongst other things if you know what I mean, and I think you do….because I’m 12.
• I’m pretty sure Rachel is reading her first few lines from cue cards. She seems pissed that Thai food “isn’t generally something that is made in front of her at home.” I’d be pissed too. Where, however, are people making your Thai food and why are they hiding it?
• Rachel is, legit, like a 15-month old who copies everything that the other person does. “Chef Will” talks about the peanut butter to use and shakes the jar a bit. Rachel takes it and shakes the jar of peanut butter too. Like an infant, I don’t think Rachel is allowed to have peanut butter until she’s at least three.
• Pointless Question of the Episode from Rachel: “If I don’t have that [peanut butter] and I just have Skippy of something?” Ok Rachel finish your thought. Don’t just put your hands up in the air and shake your head. Use your words, Rachel. Sound them out if you have to.
• Hmmm, Chef Will seems a little pissed at Rachel this week. He’s a bit distant.
• Rachel gives a great idea when she tells Chef Will that you can put the chicken on the skewers ahead of time and then marinate them. He pretty much ignores her when she says this. Perhaps he’s hypnotized by the pattern in her shirt. One may never know.
• Ugh, she is so patronizing. Will says he made a little salad and Rachel is all like, “Greeeeeat!” You know, the same way you say that to a little kid who painted a picture, yet you have no idea what that picture is. Are they in a fight? There better be an E! True Hollywood Story about these two.
• Stop the press! Is Rachel sending me a subliminal message? She says this recipe is great to make on an, I don’t know, WEDNESDAY NIGHT! Harriet Carter Wednesday perhaps, Rachel? Perhaps you make your Thai Peanut Chicken recipe, grab a glass of wine, and see if you made it into Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday, perhaps? Perhaps I just want to say perhaps? Perhaps.
• Um huh? Wait, what? No really, what!?! At exactly 2 minutes and 2 seconds does Chef Will tell Rachel that she can put some “fresh penis” right on top of that? I know he was supposed to say “peanuts” but I’m pretty sure he said “penis.” Wow you can cut the sexual tension (and his penis off) with a knife! Rachel, of course, answers with a “Mmmmmm awesome!” because she loves nothing more than a side of penis with her meals. Skanky McSlutty-Blouse.
• Will is now my new hero as he tells Rachel she has “No Class” while she eats with her fingers. Awesome! Now I would have gone with something a little more catchy like, “Classless white trash” but at least he is experimenting.

Harriet Carter Spinoff Cookoff

• I’d like to start this off by asking you, the IBBB readers, to pool some money together and chip in so that Rachel can wear something else besides that purple sweatery thing.
• Rachel is 100% bullshit that her last pizza she ordered had a swimming pool of sauce. I wouldn’t put it past her to have tossed the burning hot pizza back in the delivery guys face.
• Why must she continue to ask the stupidest questions: “What’s the best way to make it at home the way I like it?” Um, well Rachel, perhaps put in the ingredients you like best. I know. Crazy concept.
• Rachel must be a party animal. She is psyched by the idea “individual size” pizza. She actually says, “…very cool for partying.” Yeah. Awesome! I love partying with pizza. Someone grab my legs I’m going in for a pizza stand! Someone time me!
• Can she please stop asking so many questions. No joke she’s always like: Why? How? What is that? Why would you do that? Can you do it any way you like? Really? God, she’s like a 3 year old that is never satisfied with the answer.
• Good old Rachel is a cooking genius. When “Chef Will” tells her you continue to make it they way they do in a pizza shop, Rachel chimes in with “obviously with cheese.” WRONG! Everyone knows a traditional pizza “shop” makes their pizza with grass clippings and blown out tires found on the highway. What a cooking rookie.
• Ugh! Every episode she asks if there is a wrong way to make the recipe. YES! YES! YES! Yes there is always a wrong way to make whatever it is that you’re making. Her secret lover, Chef Will, always claims that there isn’t a wrong way to make it. I’d love it if he’s shove her head in the pizza. Even before it’s put into the oven is fine with me.
• Now Rachel is asking if you slice the tomato before putting it on the pizza. No. Just place the entire tomato on top of the pizza. Once you place it in the oven, the “Oven Elves” will do the slicing. Even Harriet Carter is hanging her head in shame right now.
• Seriously that pizza looks gross. It’s like all dough and nothing else. It’s like eating six sandwiches at one sitting. Fine, I’m in!
• Look, I’m not a chef or a cook or even know if there is a kitchen in my apartment, but these two make it seem like there are no rules to cooking. Rachel wants to know how you can tell when the pizza is done and Chef Will says there’s really no way to know. That has to be no true, right? Someone get me on that cooking show. STAT!
• The pizza is too hot to eat (even though Rachel yells out that “hot food’s the best!” so Rachey takes off a piece of cheese and is all like, “Mmmmmm.” Yeah that cheese you put on the top is good. Adios delivery! We’ve found a clear winner!

The Harriet Carter Spinoff!

• Wait, what is this I see? Rachel has given up the wine? However she has replaced it with vodka! Good for her. I can also see that the bottle of Kettle One is half empty, so I’m sure she was doing shots before they started filming.
• Rachel admits to us that she has “a bad habit of inviting people over without thinking.” Yes, that is a bad habit. I sometimes kick people out without thinking so I feel your pain.
• Will is totally hitting on Rachel when he tells her to “empty out her crisper.” Woo-hoo! Bom-chica-bom-bom. Rachel smiles when he says this as she knows she has completely cleaned up her crisper just for him.
• Rachel has traded away her multiple “ok’s” and replaced them with “rights.” Way to change it up!
• I’m convinced that “ingredients” overall are completely new to Rachel. When “Chef Will” informs her that she needs to use tomato sauce she is confused as she says there are some that are “puree” and some tomato sauces that are “just food.” Really? Just food? Now I’m confused. Quick Rachel, take a swig from your martini!
• No offense, but I’d like for Rachel and Will to be wearing hair-nets while they cook. Thanks.
• Hahaha Rachel give the complete wrong reaction when Will talks about getting the sauce with green peppers and onions. She says, “awwww” and makes a mad/sad face, but then says, “Nice!” That is, my friends, acting and reacting at its finest. She has become one with her character.
• Rachel really lets loose and gives a nice “heeeeey” when they talk about adding the vodka to the meal. I bet she’s totally the kind of girl who’s a sloppy drunk. I hope so.
• Chef Will adds about half a shot of vodka (that’s a cooking term, right?) to the sauce and Rachel is frantic that she’s going to get her guests drunk that way. I’m starting to even feel sorry for myself at this point.
• She immediately giggles when Will tells her “no.” OH MY GOD….Rachel is 100% in love with Chef Will. Why Rachel you little foxy minx you!
• Rachel tells us that she “happens to have a fork” with her. Yeah, I’m sure she carries it with her at all times as she typically goes by the school-yard with it and pokes at little kids through the fence…..I’d assume.
• The segment ends with Rachel telling us that this meal is perfect especially when you’re trying to show off how “established” you are. Yes Rachel, when I get a big promotion the first thing I do is invite my friends over, cook them some pasta, and just say to them “See?”

That concludes another segment of 2 Minute Recaps, the spinoff from Harriet Carter Wednesday. What a real treat. I heart Rachel. I’m also adding a new goal to my list. I want to be in the Harriet Carter catalog AND I want to be a guest in one of their cooking segments.

2 Minute Recaps With Rachel Platt

• Honestly, I can’t love this any more than I already do. Rachel tells us that there’s a trend lately that desserts “instantly give you diabetes.” Seriously, what? I’ve NEVER heard of that trend before in my life.
• Rachel asks the “chef” about what desserts she can make that won’t overwhelm or kill her guests. I think that’s actually pretty nice. I mean, I’m not sure how you technically “overwhelm” your guests with a dessert, but I’ll take her word for it.
• Please note Rachel has yet another glass of wine. This one is hardly even filled so you know she was tossing a few back before the director yelled “action!”
• Rachel continues her assault on the word “ok.”
• Chef Will tells us to skin the apples using a carrot peeler. Now I, clearly, am not a chef but could I use an apple peeler to peel the apples or is using a carrot peeler better?
• Question of the Episode Award: “Some dishes you want to keep the skin and some dishes you don’t want to. Why?” Hmmm, well Rachel that’s because that’s called “a different recipe.” Some recipes have ingredients like garlic while others don’t. Make sense now? Good question though.
• After Chef Will explains why the apple skin should be removed for this particular recipe, Rachel says a high-pitched “Ok.” Let me translate that “Ok” for you. What Rachel really means by that is, “I don’t believe you and I think you’re wrong and I’m on my period, but I’m not going to argue with you, asshole.”
• Yuck. The finished product looks like someone did “#2″ in a mini crockpot.
• How does one pronounce the fruit, “apricot?” Isn’t it “ahhh-pricot?” Why do they keep saying it like, “ape-ricot.” Wow they won’t stop saying it.
• Question of the Episode Runner Up Award: “Now you’re using apricot. Could somebody use their favorite jam?” No Rachel, they could not. In the state of Louisiana this is actually punishable by law. There is currently someone on death-row for using raspberry jam, but you take that chance.
• Is Rachel a bit bipolar? She freaks out and yells for Chef Will to put down the plate so he doesn’t burn his hands. Then she’s all back to smiles a second later. She’s a wild one.
• Rachel’s acting class skills pay off in 3….2….1 when she takes a bite and says, “Mmmmm.”
• For some reason she’s still on her kick of how desserts can kill you because she ends the segment (right before she messes up and they decide to not edit it out) and says, “Remember a dessert doesn’t need to land you in the hospital for 2-weeks….” Uh, does that really happen because now she’s starting to freak me out. I’m about to eat some brownies, but I can’t afford 2-weeks off of work because I’m in the ICU. Stick to the facts Rachel.

That concludes another segment of 2 Minute Recaps, the spinoff from Harriet Carter Wednesday. What a real treat. I heart Rachel.