More Mindless Stories on ‘16 and Pregnant Recap’
30
16 & Pregnant: Sans the Recap
Yeah. I mean, even I’m not going to be the jerk who makes fun of the episode where the finance/father dies, the baby almost dies, and everyone is trying to get over the unexpected drowning. Sure I could toss in a joke about the toilet paper and tape that was holding together the eyeglasses of the mother or the part-puffy-leather-couch-part-navajo-cushions but I would just be the guy making fun of the poor things poor people have who are trying to overcome a horrific accident. Plus there was way too many freckles for one person to take in this episode. Overall it was just a downer and I’m saving up all my energy for the premiere of Teen Mom on June 12th (in the year of our Lord).
You can’t win for losing. I have no idea what that means. Therefore, I decided to take the Physical Challenge instead of recapping the sadness.
Luke-Warm Regards,
IBBB
23
16 & Pregnant Recap: If Renee Graziano Was 16 and Pregnant
Well folks another season of “Can My Fetus Take Drivers Ed Too?” is coming to an end. Part of me wants to say “finally!” whilst the other part of me wants to say “finally!” Either way, you might as well join me on my Facebook page (click here, jerks) so that we can really get to know each other before the final season of Teen Mom starts up. Anygut, if you ever wanted to know what it would be like to see Renee Graziano as a knocked up 16 year old, well, I’d like to introduce you to Devon. Our little Devon just breezed past her Quinceanera and is now 16 years old and with child. She lives in the part of Virginia where apparently everyone speaks in a slow whisper tone while cameras are in their faces. We also get to meet Devon’s boyfriend named Colin. He’s 4 years older than her and is in the Army so this alleged case of statutory rape is perfectly fine and acceptable. In case you’re wondering “statutory rape” is the act of “playing boom boom with a statue.” Plus, it’s Virginia so I’m sure the authorities are just psyched they’re not brother and sister. I am, of course, joking as I don’t really know anything about Virginia including where on the map it actually is. I’d guess south east of Puerto Rico, but one can’t really be sure. This loving couple does the typical “couple walk” where they slowly stroll up the street with a camera crew and discuss how they met and how they got pregnant. If you guessed “a penis in a vag” you’d be wrong. You should have guessed, “what is a penis in a vag.” Jeopardy rules apply to everything in life. Also, in case you haven’t noticed I’m tossing in a lot of filler because this episode was as snooze.
Devon lives with about 8 other members of her family in a tiny doll house. I like to pretend they’re neighbors are Polly Pocket and the Berenstain Bears. One of the residents is her jealous 17 year old sister who also has a baby. You totally know she’s pissed that MTV never cast her last season but I’m sure her mother (who is like the poorer mans Dina Lohan) was busy putting pinholes in the condoms to help ensure her darker daughter would become pregnant. Plus this gave her more time to paint the walls some vibrant colors that would really pop on the audition tape. Either way, Devon got herself cast and the rest his herstory. See what I did there? Yeah, I hated it too. Devon may not be the sharpest tool in the crayon box (?) as she didn’t realize she was pregnant for 5 full months. I mean, that makes sense. She probably thought her mom couldn’t pay the bills any more so the stork stopped sending her her period. That is how that works, right? Either that or her crunchy wet curls truly froze her brain. To be honest, I’d be fine with either of those scenarios.
Can you tell I’m yawning? I am. Devon’s mom, Robin, enjoys things like sitting on the porch and giving her daughter wonderful words of encouragement about her pregnancy like, “Honestly, it’s kind of embarrassing.” Sure she has two daughters who aren’t old enough to vote yet and both have kids, but that is nothing to be embarrassed about. I’m more embarrassed that Devon seems to think that anyone is still doing face piercings anymore. If her mom was smart she would have forced Devon to pierce her “gentlemen greeter” closed until she was old enough to rent a car. In fact, can we just make that a law? I’m sure they’ll be doing that at Claire’s in the mall by 2015. Per usual I was going to suggest the same kind of treatment but with a wine cork and some Elmer’s glue cement, but I’m really trying to get with the times and become more technologically advanced and I really think snatch piercings is the way to go. I’m sure you agree. In fact, I know you do. I can just tell. You’re those kind of people. The kind of people I like. #SnatchPiercings
Everything else was pretty normal in this episode which was too bad for us. Devon’s boyfriend was surprisingly not a complete douche-trap as he was working two jobs and also fought in Iraq. I mean, I’m a completely horrific person but even I am not going to make fun of someone who fought in Iraq for my freedom. Devon clearly agrees because after Colin came back from Iraq she evidently got on her back. I like when I make things rhyme. For those of you reading this in some of our mid-western states like Maine and Seattle, that is how raps are formed. The More You Know. Also, sit Ubu sit. Good dog (woof!). Moving on. What also entertained me this episode was the baby shower. To be honest it wasn’t as trashy as I would have liked it to be (meaning there weren’t people with dirty bare feet and Kool Aid mustaches over their actual mustaches) but we were given the gift of puffy leather. Devon was sitting on my favorite genuine leather puffy leather recliner, whilst some of her guests were lounging on a puffy suede couch. The point is that the baby could have been consummated on either pieces of furniture and the clean up would have been a breeze. Devon got everything she wanted from the baby shower except a third trimester abortion kit that I would have obviously brought had I been invited. In case you’re wondering what a third trimester abortion kit consists of, it’s actually just a tape of “Alyssa Milano’s Teen Steam Workout Video” and the white arm from a standard Mr. Potato Head set. You do the math.
Later Devon finally is ready to go into labor, as she woke up from her slumber and thought she was leaking. She’s real quick. I’m sure that GED will be not an issue for her. Just answer “C” for everything and let the chips fall where they may. She heads off the el hospital which I’m shocked wasn’t a red barn with piles of hay and fetus juice everywhere. Alas, it was a real live building with actual doctors inside. After 9 hours of shaking and crying it was finally time for a little Pitocin! Hooray! After another few hours she was ready for her Epidural and our 16 & Pregnant Bingo Game was complete. Ole! Then, after 127 hours, Devon finally gave birth to a little baby boy whose name I think was Michael Landon. Speaking of which, how come there isn’t one channel on my $143.00/month cable box (giggity) that plays reruns of Highway to Heaven? Do you think Della Resse doesn’t allow it because of the similarity to Touched By An Angel? I always loved when Della would sass out things like, “Come on angel baby, let’s go!” Why we can’t only live in the 90’s is beyond me.
In the end (and I’m skipping a lot because, well, I get to) these crazy kids tried to buy a house and were pre-approved for $127K, which is great for them because that, I believe, is the actual sale price of the entire state of Virgina. I’m kidding. It’s $128K and your front tooth. Sadly, just when they thought they saw a house they liked (that was 6 times the size of my apartment and 1/10th of the price) poor Colin lost his job. That sucks. To make things worse he’ll probably have to reenlist in the Army just so they can get by and be able to afford a house. Luckily the war will be over soon and I’m not educated enough to know who and where we are currently fighting so I think their best bet would be to just stay in Virginia and rent an apartment and, obviously, sell their baby to the highest bidder. But that, per usual, goes without saying.
Want to provide me with an education? Well start by joining me on my Facebook page. The 5,000th Facebook friend wins a free shot of Pitocin. Ole!
More 16 & Pregnant Recaps:
If Kelly Clarkson Had Lost American Idol
Is There a Baby on My Stomach?!
When House Hunters Meets Hoarders Meets Amber and Gary’s Summer Cottage
Long Live Davy Jones!
Drop Dead Fred Fathers a Child
Dora and the Cage Fighting “Model”
The One with Selena’s Killer
Mackenzie and that Damn Rodeo
16
16 & Pregnant Recap: If Kelly Clarkson Had Lost American Idol
Hey y’all! Turn on the Closed Captioning because it’s time for another crapisode of “I’s Thoughts Condoms Were For Catchin Fireflies.” And this time we’re down south again so good luck trying to piece together what in the holy hell anyone is saying. This time around we get to meet Sarah. She’s 16 years old and as a twist, she’s pregnant. I know. I was caught off guard too. Sarah lives in what I can only assume is pronounced “Chicken Sh*t” Georgia and she looks how Kelly Clarkson would look had she not won Season One of American Idol. Moreover, Sarah was planning on going to college if there wasn’t a human ready to burst out of her body and she was even going to one day be a journalist. In Chicken Sh*t, GA, “being a journalist” is interchangeable with “being featured on an episode of COPS.” Same/same.
Sarah landed herself a pale Ging who is quite the catch (re-read the first part) and also he dropped out of high school so he could focus more time on playing video games and working on a boats a couple of hours a week. But, ladies, before you brush by his personal ad, you have to know he has big dreams of working on a shrimp boat. Even more importantly, I’m pretty sure he used the Flowbee on his hair so that he can perfect the helmet with earmuffs look that is all the rage on the runways of Milan. #FashionForward. His name is Blake but I’m almost certain it’s pronounced “Blank” because that’s the look he gives on the regular. The silver lining in all of this is that even though he doesn’t go to school he and Sarah found out they’re having a baby girl and plan on naming her Tit-Leaves. At least that’s pretty much what I thought they’ve been saying this whole time. I think it’s sweet. It has a nice ring to it. It really says, “You can put your face in them, but can’t touch them unless we go back to the private room and you leave your credit card with the bouncer.” I think it’s Latin. Either way, good for her. I have no idea.
Another unsung hero this episode is Sarah’s mother Tina. She is everything you could ever want and less. She spends most of her time working out her neck rolls and sitting on plastic chairs scattered all over the front lawn and other random areas of the property. However, the winner of this entire episode is the house itself. I know I’ve said this in the past, but this house is really like a typical house on Hoarders. There is sh*t everywhere. I can honestly say that I really wasn’t paying attention to what was going on in this episode because I just kept looking in the background of every single scene. And I’m not kidding. Plus, it’s not like I could understand a word anyone was saying. Even the sub-titles they used when Blank would talk basically had question marks after most of the words. Anyjunk, there was crap everywhere. Everywhere. The kitchen should have been condemned. The “hutch” in the “dining room” was stacked with tea cups, receipts, and a few curling irons..as any good hutch would. Everything in every room in the house was just basically stacked like a white trash game of Topple and, spoiler alert, I loved that game growing up. I started making a list of random stuff I saw in the background throughout this show. At one point Sarah and her friend were sitting outside drinking something (bleach, probably) and I saw a wooden ducks, a Christmas wreath, a can of Raid, and an “old-timey” high-chair (most likely painted with the fanciest lead paint 1972 can buy!) Later as Sarah and her mom are chatting outside I spotted a giant bottle of Dr. Pepper on a table, a 6 pack of sidewalk chalk, a Spongebob radio, and a half set-up game of Mousetrap. This has turned into “Antiques Roadshow” for “the poors.” It’s like, “Your ceramic bear climbing the tree would have been worth more if you didn’t put cigarettes out in its nose.” Common mistake.
Beyond the fact her entire neighborhood looks like the aftermath of a nasty tornado in the Bible Belt, Sarah has some problems on her hands. Her boyfriend, Blank, and her mom barely get a long. I think it’s a communication issue…meaning they both can’t understand what the F the other one is saying. Tina thinks that Blank should be giving Sarah $10 per week from his paycheck so she can buy diapers. It’s then that I realized that I no longer had any right being pissed off when my Stella is never on the happy hour menu. This show is sobering. Luckily the shots of vodka that I’m doing just to get through this is reversing that sobering effect. Blank is a real piece of work because he won’t go to Sarah’s aunt’s house to pick up the crib they’re getting for free and set it up. Tina, on the other hand, is being your regular enabler by letting Blank live with them because is mother is most likely boiling meth in her crotch and selling it at a carnival. Allegedly. To make things worse, Tina still does Sarah’s hair and makeup for her every single day. She’s basically the one at fault for Sarah getting pregnant. I mean, she probably even shaved her “gentlemen greeter” and then instructed Sarah, “Don’t you show this to no one, ya hear?” That’s probably for her daddy anyway. I’m kidding. He’s nowhere to be found.
We learn that Sarah doesn’t like it when the doctor shoves her hand up her vagiola to make sure a baby is still in there (?) because she squeals each time…but not with delight. She must have been a real treat during the conceiving of Tit-Leaves. Tina takes a different car than Blank and Sarah because she hates him. They fight the whole car ride there and back and Blank might be saying he’s going to go work on a shrimp boat or he could be reciting the last versus of “Michael Michael Motorcycle.” To be honest, we’ll never know. We’d need to hire forensics to help figure this out and, well, I don’t have that kind of money. All I know is that Blank has a dress-shirt on a hanger hanging in his back seat. Where would he be going where he would need a collar and buttons? Perhaps people of the south attend funerals for sport? Later after another fight, Sarah calls her mom to let her know that Blank is threatening to move out of the house. Suddenly they show up back at the house and Tina is sitting out there on her plastic chair in plain old squalor. I have no idea where she was. I think she was sitting in front of the house, but it could have been the garage. Honestly, it’s hard to tell the difference when rusted out trucks and cars are abandon in both places. It’s like that episode of Intervention where the lady would sit on a metal folding chair in her garage and just pop pills all day. Ahhh those were simpler times. Blank storms off in a pale huff and shows up two days later with a bag of chips and a card for Sarah to say “sorry.” He claims the chips are his version of flowers and if I read it correctly in the sub-titles he called them “tater chips.” So these people really do exist, huh? Interesting. I think those parts of the country should have their own President, which of course would end up being Mayor McCheese. But that obviously goes without saying.
Everything else was dumb in this episode, per usual. Sarah tried everything to induce labor which included normal things like sex with a donkey and drinking antifreeze. Something must have worked because later she went into labor…but ended up having to go with the C-section. I mean, I’m not a doctor, but I’m guessing a C-section means they cut you at your “C?” You knew I would eventually go there. The baby was healthy and we got to watch the whole things as a Polaroid sequence, which is just as terrible as it sounds. The baby cries all night and Blank is dumb so he has no clue what to do. He got a job at night working at a grocery store so he sleeps all day and barely helps out. That’s surprising because he was really a giant bottle of piss and vinegar prior to the baby being born. After yet another fight, Blank decides to peace out and move an hour away so he could work on that beloved shrimp boat and really start living the American Dream. Sarah is obviously pissed and her mother makes sure to tell her over and over again that he left her. That’s sweet. Once Blank finally calls Sarah she tells him that she hopes he falls overboard. She shouldn’t wish for things like that because if he dies who’s going to give her $10 per week for diapers? I mean, that kind of money isn’t easy to come by.
Want to give me $10 per week? Well then join me on my Facebook page and let’s cut a deal. And don’t forget to click the “Recommend/Like” button on this blog post. Maybe if I get 300 Likes I’ll recap the final season of Teen Mom that starts on June 12th. See what I did there?
More 16 & Pregnant Recap:
Is There a Baby on My Stomach?!
When House Hunters Meets Hoarders Meets Amber and Gary’s Summer Cottage
Long Live Davy Jones!
Drop Dead Fred Fathers a Child
Dora and the Cage Fighting “Model”
The One with Selena’s Killer
Mackenzie and that Damn Rodeo
09
16 & Pregnant Recap: Is There a Baby on My Stomach?
The days go by so fast and it seems like the girls are just getting easier. It’s like they used to put up a fight but now they’re tricked by d*ck and ready to become reality stars. Had 16 & Pregnant been around 15 years ago, Kim Zolciak probably would have entered our lives a long time ago. As soon as I add the finishing touches to my time machine I’ll get Zolciak’s wig knocked up. Spoiler Alert: This episode was one giant snooze. No joke, 40 minutes into it and I was thinking, “What the hell do I write?” Then I realized I was asking myself questions and then, well, I was answering said questions so I suddenly learned how crazy I really am. Therefore, nevertheless, and then-some I will be highlighting some of my favorite moments from this horrifically boring crapisode:
The Voiceover – Our 17 year old skank-pig, Hope, apparently has the same reading level as our beloved Leah from Teen Mom 2 because every time I had to listen to her during her voiceover I lapsed into a self induced coma. It’s amazing how slamming your ding-a-ling into your laptop over and over again can make you lose consciousness. I know she’s from Missouri, but I have to hope that that has nothing to do with it. Also, I wasn’t aware Missouri was still part of the United States. I assumed we sold it to France in exchange for the Statue of Liberty and the Erie Canal back in 1776. Eh, at least that’s what my Social Studies book said. I think. I don’t know actually. All I do know is that my 8th grade nun would hijack most of our classes to tell us how doctors perform abortions (in alleys, of course). Sadly, I’m actually not joking.
Betsy: The Light of My Life – The only saving grace this whole episode was Hope’s mother, Betsy. First off, is there a sexier name? Bonnie is a good backup followed by, of course, Loretta. Betsy is still working her way through the 80’s but isn’t quite there just yet. She constantly looks like she’s posing for a Glamor Shots photo shoot and has caked on the eye shadow on the regular. Clearly in Missouri, more is less. She almost looked like the meth version of Debra (Farrah’s mom) but was just missing the obligatory trash claw. To make things even better there was so much crowding in her mouth that I was certain her teeth were trying to escape. To sum up, she’s a dream come true. And don’t think I didn’t notice the back tat, arm tats, or ankle tats. I say “good for her!” I mean, why even bother having to say, “No thank you I don’t want to work in your office.” Just show the arm and let your drunken decisions speak for themselves.
He Thought He’d Pull Out, Momma! - At what point is it normal to sit around the kitchen table with your mom and a camera crew and explain your teenage pregnancy by stating that your “boyfriend” didn’t have a condom and told you he’d just pull out. Discussing the “pull out” process is typically best talked about over a nice hot cup of Sanka. Hope should have lied and been like, “Mom it’s not my fault! See, we were waxing the floors and I slipped and fell on his junk.” It’s your basic “Ring Toss” explainer. Google it.
Wait, You Mean His Name Isn’t Vin? – No joke for the first 15 minutes I thought she was saying her boyfriends name was Vin. It wasn’t until I saw some of those fantastic MTV pencil sketches that I realized his name was Ben. Obviously it was pronounced like our little friend “Bint-Lee.”
When the Cameras Went Up, Ben Came Back to Town – Finally! Finally one of the deadbeats on the show understands that if you’re going to be on camera it only makes sense to pretend you’re not a douche whilst filming. Ben jumped ship for the first 2 months after he found out his “pull out” method didn’t work, but when Hope told him the cameras were coming to town (as was Santa Claus) not only did he call her, but invited her to move in with him and said she really didn’t have to pay any of the bills. Brilliant performance, Ben. I’d do the same thing. In real life, clearly, I am a terrible and horrific person. However, if a camera was on my face right now I’d be smiling and giving the sign of the cross. I’d be blogging with one hand and brushing the hair of the homeless with the other.
Does Dr. Chang Work in Jack Tripper’s Bedroom? – Hope needs to go see Dr. Chang because her feet and ankles are swelling due to her working at the coffee shop for 9 hour shifts. She wants to know if he can “do something about this.” He should have been like, “Yeah, how ’bout a 3rd trimester abortion?” He would then, of course, wink after he said that just in case she freaked out. At least he could have pretended it was just a sick joke, you know, kinda like I just did. Wink. I couldn’t tell if Dr Chang worked in Jack Tripper’s bedroom or actually in the Regal Beagle. I was looking to see if I could find Lana dressed up as a slutty nurse. You know you were too.
The Ultrasound Baby Looked Like a Pig – There, I said it.
Betsy Has Been Damaged – Betsy is playing in the bitter barn and wants to warn Hope of how her life is basically going to really start sucking soon. After Ben finally met Hope’s mom he wins her heart over by letting her know that he wants to wake up in the middle of the night and change sh*tty diapers. Betsy’s only real question for Ben was if he was going to pay Hope’s car insurance. That seems reasonable. I’m sure Ben will take the car and just pull out…of the driveway anyway. See what I did there? Yeah, I saw it too. Anyeyes, Betsy finally gives Hope these words of wisdom, “Expect nothing because men suck.” You know what, Betsy? I’m pretty sure a man made you’re electric blue raccoon eye shadow so maybe you should rethink that statement. Also, you should take a second look at your youngest daughter because there is no doubt in my mind that she’s actually Kim Zolciack’s youngest daughter. This just proves my theory that MTV finds all of these people in a prop house.
And It’s Baaaaaaack – Pitocin, that is! Finally Pitocin was administered for the first time all season. I couldn’t believe it. I shouted “thank you sweet baby Jesus Claus!” as soon as I realized this chick was going to get induced. Sadly, however, after 10 hours of labor they ended up going with the C-section. Besty was in the corner crying and Hope thought it was because she thought she was going to die. I’m assuming Betsy saw what her face looked like in florescent hospital lighting and was having a mini breakdown.
So You Can Show This? Not for nothing, but how am I supposed to feed my fat ass during this show if they’re not going to warn me that they’re going to show the actual C-section. They showed the doctor cut across her stomach and then reach in and pull the baby out of her stomach. I farted and almost puked all at the same time. Now I may not be a surgeon (although I technically am) but at one point during the birth Hope just says, “Is there a baby on my stomach?” Uh. Sure. The stork just flew into the hospital and delicately placed it on there. Geesh, no wonder why she fell for the “I’ll pull out” line. The only thing that was successfully pulled out was this baby…and by the neck. Seriously, who knew I had so many pull out jokes? I really pulled out all the stops for this blog. Hey-oh! Thank you, friends, thank you.
In the End – In the end this episode crapped. The baby cried per usual and Ben kept up the facade that he wasn’t a d-bag. Hope got bored being home all day and not having any friends so she got a job taking orders at a restaurant. She also took the baby to college to visit her friend and we were forced to watch her friend awkwardly talk about all the house parties she goes to and then says the baby is “seriously adorbs.” I literally gave my television the finger the entire time this chick was on. Plus, you totally know she’s the “frat whore” at all these house parties. Either way, Hope just wanted some friends but can’t seem to find any. She should dig up her old AOL screen name and hop into a chat room and just have at it. At the least she could meet a neat stranger and eventually get pregnant again. Eh, just a thought. She may have her own ideas on how to make friends.
Want to talk about Pitocin? Well then join me on my Facebook page. You’ll hate it! I do!
Related 16 & Pregnant Links:
When House Hunters Meets Hoarders Meets Amber and Gary’s Summer Cottage
Long Live Davy Jones!
Drop Dead Fred Fathers a Child
Dora and the Cage Fighting “Model”
The One with Selena’s Killer
Mackenzie and that Damn Rodeo
02
16 & Pregnant: When House Hunters and Hoarders Meet Amber and Gary’s Summer Cottage
Once in a blue moon the white trash gods enter our lives and grant us all the wishes our blackened hearts could ever desire. This time around we get to squint our eyes and tilt our ear towards the television so we can try and understand the words that are coming out of Myranda’s mouth. Anynose, meet Myranda. She’s 17 years old and carrying a human being inside her body because she doesn’t seem to understand how babies are truly made. Myranda is from the part of Texas where the average yearly household income is about $5,000 and 23 seashells. Oh, and if you ever wondered what it would be like if Martha Plimpton from Goonies would have looked like as a teenage mother, well, wonder no longer because this is it. Myranda got knocked to the up by her boyfriend, Eric, who claims he “didn’t wear no condom cuz he was thinkings with his penis.” I probably spent the majority of this crapisode rewinding it and putting the volume on tilt just to figure out what the hell they were saying. Every time they opened their mouths all I heard was coin jars rattling. That, of course, would be their savings accounts but that goes without saying. You knew what I was getting at.
Myranda wasn’t really given a fair shot at “the life” because her mom was basically on drugs her entire life. Her mom, who may or may not actually be Hatchet Face, keeps asking Myranda if it’s her fault that she got pregnant at such a young age. Uh, ya think?! I’m sure she was using all of Myranda’s boyfriends condoms to store her coke. A cola that is. Allegedly. I don’t know her. One of my favorite parts was when Myranda was talking to Eric and said, “If she ever do drugs again she aint gonna babysit none.” Ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it. It was like she just opened up the dictionary, closed her eyes, and started pointing to words. This chick, by the way, is skipping her senior year and just going to take the GED test. Gotta love that “F it!” attitude. How tough can that test be anyway? By listening to vocabulary throughout this episode I’m sure she’ll not only get her GED but they’ll probably even make her “summa cum laude.” Either that or they’ll just start rumors that “She does cum loudly.” It’s a real toss up at this point. But I digress.
The other unsung hero of this episode was clearly Eric’s grandmother, Nanny. Nana Nanny is a character straight from Mad TV. She’s letting them live with her for now, but once that baby is born they are out out out! She doesn’t wanna hear none baby be crying in her house, y’all! She may not have a pot to piss in (so I’m not sure where she goes tinkle-winkle) but she has enough money to perm her hair on the regular. She even has a beautiful pool that the kids can swim in. Ah yes, the pool. All “the kids” are in this giant pool that is 100% green. It’s like an actual swamp. I’m pretty sure I spotted Loch Ness at least twice. I’m also pretty sure I saw Nana Nanny washing clothes in there as well. Everyone is swimming and jumping around in that pool like it was no big deal. When Myranda gives birth to her 6 headed 3 fingered daughter, please let’s remember “the pool.” I mean, this was like the same pool that those kids in Erin Brockovich where swimming in with Hinkley in the background. Get out of the pool. Get out of the pool, kids. Right now I said!
As if this couldn’t get any better, Myranda and Eric aren’t allowed to live with Nana Nanny, especially after they told her that Eric didn’t wear a condom and Myranda didn’t always take her birth control pills. However, they won’t be homeless because they can live in this actual shack that’s just about falling down at the end of Nana Nanny’s property. This place was a dream come true for me. Even the folks from Intervention would think this place wasn’t good enough to be a crack den. I’m not even sure I can do the description justice. Let’s just say that if House Hunters met Hoarders and then went to Amber and Gary’s summer cottage, this would be it. As soon as the door opens I was waiting to see 15 rabid cats come running out and 75 cat skeletons stuck to the wood paneled walls. But alas, we didn’t see them. We did, however, see about 5 blood-stained mattresses stacked up directly next to the front door, which was directly next to some little kids plastic play house that seemed to have been cut in half. There were smashed dishes on the floor, mouse sh*t all over the place, and the stove was kind of taken apart and missing all the burners. I’ll just assume they’ll use the hollowed out stove as the baby’s crib. Eric, at one point, actually says, “Well I guess maybe we’s gotta replace the stove.” Yep, Eric. We’s gotta. The good news is that they only have to pay the electric bill on this shack. Wait, you mean the “mortgage” was already paid off? Shocking. It must have taken up to 2 months to pay that off. I’m not even kidding, this is exactly how I pictured Amber and Gary’s place during a drug-fueled rager, when the cameras weren’t there of course. I was waiting to see Leah walk by, in a daze, with a knife and just shouting “Ammmmmbuh!” up at Myranda. Speaking of Myranda, was her hair changing back and forth from blond to brown all throughout the episode. She was like my sister’s My Little Pony of the 80’s.
Other “normal” things happen throughout the episode like that part where they go shopping for the baby and are shocked at how much everything costs. I’m surprised, because I always heard that raising a baby was pretty cheap. I also heard they never sh*t and so you only need like 1 or 2 diapers per week. Everyone might as well poke pinholes in their condoms because everyone can have a baby…today! Aaaand go! Later Myranda goes out with her friends to hang out…at the batting cages. That makes sense. I was so glad she was just sitting their watching until she strapped on a helmet and got ready for her turn. I kept yelling, “What are you doing? Wait. What are you doing?!” It was then I realized that I was witnessing a redneck abortion and suddenly everything started to make sense. Meanwhile, Hatchet Face, ended up going on a bender, relapsing, getting into a fight with her husband, drove off (under the influence), was found, taken to the hospital, and is now in rehab. What’s worse is that none of this was filmed. Womp womp. At least Butch and April had enough respect for us to let the cameras in. Hatchet Face is just plain old rude, y’all! Myranda is pissed off that her mom is missing her ultrasound appointment, but I’m more intrigued that her Texan hospital actually had ultrasound equipment. I just assumed they’d use a magnifying glass, two tin cans, and some string. The “doctor” would then say, “Uh, your baby is, uh fine. It was asking for you and gave us a thumbs up so everything seems good to us. Oh, and you have about 12 more months to go, we think, before the stork delivers your baby, y’all!”
Later Myranda has her baby shower and her mom attends since she just got out of “the ‘hab” that same day. Hopefully a 2 day sobriety chip was her gift to the baby. Suddenly her mom is all about making sure she’s in the delivery room when Myranda has the baby. Uh yeah, no. That’s probably not the best idea as I’m sure Hatchet Face will be using the newborn as an actual drug mule and making a run for the Mexican border. Ole! I thought the shower would have been a little more trashy, but maybe it was because it was at the aunts house? I think I may have spotted a puffy leather, but can’t be certain. It was a bit of a let down, but the fact that the I did see enough wood paneling throughout the shack made me content. Truly content. Within days family members were all at the shack pitching in and making it into quite the palace. Eric only makes $150 a week and Myranda makes $0.00 per week so they barely have enough money for food and diapers. However, I’m pretty sure my eyes witnessed someone mounting an ACTUAL SATELLITE DISH to the side of the shack. If anyone was wondering why 99% of other countries want to bomb us off the map, you now have you answer.
Prior to going into labor, Myranda invites her mom over to tell her she won’t be in the delivery room with her basically because she was on drugs for the majority of her life. It was actually kind of sad. I mean, personally, I couldn’t care less but I’m trying to capture some new readers who want me to be nicer. Moving on. I’m surprised Hatchet Face didn’t reach into the vagiola and try to take the baby right then and there. Regardless, Myranda goes into labor and heads off to the “hospital.” She was in labor for what seemed like 12 hours but, truth be told, I may or may not have fallen asleep for a spell. I awoke right at the part where the actual doctor said to Myranda that it was time to push and to, “push down on your bottom like you’s doo-dooin’.” I’m sorry, what? Like you’s doo-dooin’? I legit thought I was dreaming…dreaming of doo-dooin’. In the end Myranda, Eric, and the baby head on back to the shack to live out their lives. Myranda gets bored with being home all the time and is probably realizing that her earlier thoughts of the baby basically being able to take care of herself at 1.5 years old probably won’t happen. She’ll have to wait at least until the baby is 2 years old before she can be out on her own. They end up inviting Hatchet Face over to see the baby and then end up allowing her to babysit while they go out for a dinner date (which consists of a place where tiny little sandwiches are served to them on Styrofoam plates). They keep calling home, but Hatchet won’t answer the phone. I was convinced she was doing lines off the baby’s crib…or the actual baby herself. Assuming she is still whilst she sleeps. But, alas, she just didn’t answer the phone because she didn’t want to stand up and wake the baby. Uh, ok. She looked like she was ready to legit spaz out and Bugs Bunny directly through the wall. The More You Know….
Wanna build a shack with me? Well then join me on my Facebook page and tell me how to install the satellite dish! And don’t forget to click on the “Recommend” button below so you can share this with your white trash Facebook friends and help me sell out. If 300 people “like” this blog post the Taco Bell dog will come back to life and high-five you. Ole!
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