More Mindless Stories on ‘12 Days of a Harriet Carter Christmas’
Dec
15
On the 7th Day of Christmas: Does decorating your Christmas tree typically seem like it just goes too fast? Do you want to slow down the decorating process by about 46 hours? Well, you’re in luck because now you can put your fishing skills to use by placing each ornament on your Christmas tree with what appears to be a fishing rod. After you carefully hang the ornament on the end of your Christmas Rod, simply find the branch you want (watch that shaking hand and trembling arm) and slowly, very slowly, place that beautiful gold ornament (from Walgreens) on the branch. It doesn’t matter you can barely see the branch from where you’re standing or the fact that the ornament keeps sliding off the branch. Just keep trying. After you’ve attempted this a minimum of 29 times, try another branch and repeat the process. For extra family time fun, give this Christmas Rod to Grandma who’s suffering from Parkinson’s. You and the kids will be squealing with delight by watching Grandma fumble through and entire box of ornaments! Don’t worry about the broken ones that smashed off the ground, the new puppy can lick that up! Ho-ho-huh?
…and a Failure Model Chick in a pear treeeeeee!
www.myspace.com/ImBringingBloggingBack
Dec
11
On the 6th Day of Christmas, my white-trash love game to me 6 Crappy Church Jokes, 5 Instant Christmas Tree Wall Stickers, 4 “Diva Las Vegas” Whorebears, 3 Magnetic Eyeglass Holders, 2 Pussy Ticklers, and a Failure Model Chick in a pear tree!
On the 6th Day of Christmas: Nothing makes me laugh harder then Church jokes because, at the end of the day, that whole “Jesus in the cross” thing really was a hoot. Oh I mean the way they whipped him, what a treat. Luckily there are 500 Church jokes for you and the whole family to laugh at. Some of my favorites include:
~ Did you hear the one about the priest who molested the alter boy?
Answer –>The priest molested the alter boy.
That’s the joke.
And other favorites like:
~ What’s the difference between the Church trying to cover up the molestation scandal and a hurricane?
Answer –> A hurricane has something to do with weather and the other has to do with priests molesting alterboys.
That’s the joke.
Or perhaps my personal all time favorite:
~ How can you tell that it’s almost Palm Sunday?
Answer –> The weather starts getting nicer and priests are molesting the alterboys.
That’s the joke.
Finally, if you want to tell a clean joke to your little children, perhaps try out this one:
~ Wanna hear a dirty joke?
Answer –> 3 white horse fell in the mud. And then a priest jumped in the mud and molested the 3 horses….then got bored with the horses and made the alterboys jump in the mud….so he could molest them.
That’s the joke.
……and a Failure Model Chick in a pear treeeeeeee!
Be sure to check back tomorrow for the 7th Day of Christmas! I can’t wait to be done with this.
Dec
10
On the 5th Day of Christmas, my white-trash love gave to me, 5 Instant Christmas Tree Wall Stickers, 4 “Diva Las Vegas” Whorebears, 3 Magnetic Eyeglass Holders, 2 Pussy Ticklers, and a Failure Model Chick in a pear tree!
On the 5th Day of Christmas: Hey kids! Come downstairs and sniff the Christmas Tree wall! Mmmm doesn’t it smell like the real thing and nothing at all like an 1980’s plastic Halloween costume that they used to sell on a plastic hanger in the Halloween aisle of Walgreens? Doesn’t it!? Do you kids wanna lick the candy canes on the wall? It’s safe because Daddy sprayed peppermint breath freshener all over the wall. Be careful not to knock off any of the Christmas ornaments so they crash onto the ground and break! Oh they’re not real? Ok, well be careful not to accidentally peel off the ornaments and throw the plastic on the ground. Little Bobby and little Suzie will love opening up all their gifts that are stacked up nicely up against the wall! And wanna know the best part? When Christmas is over you can just paint right over the “tree” and be done with it for good. Go green!
My favorite part of the description is when they say, “build tree on wall to leave plenty of space for presents underneath.” Yeah, something tells me that if you’re not buying a real tree and just putting a giant Christmas tree sticker on the wall instead….there probably isn’t any money left for presents to put under the fake tree in question either. Seriously, if this is what your life has come to, just don’t celebrate Christmas at all. Turn to a different religion. What’s the religion with all the candles? Maybe go with that one. It seems more cost effective.
….and a Failure Model Chick in a pear treeeeeeeeeeee!
Be sure to check back tomorrow for the 6th Day of Christmas! What a treat! Is it over yet?
www.myspace.com/ImBringingBloggingBack
Dec
09
On the 4th Day of Christmas, my white-trash love gave to me, 4 “Diva Las Vegas” Whorebears, 3 Magnetic Eyeglass Holders, 2 Pussy Ticklers, and a Failure Model Chick in a pear tree!
On the 4th Day of Christmas: Finally, Diva Las Vegas whore-stuffed animals that make the perfect gift for any gambling degenerate slampig in your life! Just look at the exquisite detail around the hat! If you guessed that was genuine fur, you’d be wrong. If you guessed flammable polyester with synthetic pigeon feathers…you’d be right! And check out the way this skank-bear has “her” legs crossed. Oh la la, what a real lady! Even this lady needs to be a tramp every once in a while and when you push her paw she sings and shakes “Diva Las Vegas.” Get it? She’s a diva. Oh and she looks like a diva. You know how diva’s always wear sunglasses with diamond dice on each lens? Oh, and you know how diva’s always wear sequins scarves? Yeah, diva’s are like that. So if you have a true diva in your life that likes to go to Bingo, has about 40 Troll Dolls in a glass case, has a cat named “Mitzy,” and a bumper sticker that says, “My Kids Think I’m an ATM” then this is the perfect gift to complete her “Diva Collection.” If IBBB had his way (I felt like speaking in the 3rd person like Lindsay Lohan does with her Myspace blogs) he would make sure that when you pressed the bears paw she really said, “I’m the reason your house has been foreclosed. I’m the reason you missed your mortgage payment.”
…and a Failure Model Chick in a pear treeeeeee!
Be sure to check back tomorrow for the 5th Day of Christmas! Ole!
www.myspace.com/ImBringingBloggingBack
Dec
04
On the
3rd day of Christmas, my white-trash love gave to me,
3 Magnetic Eyeglass Holders….
2 Pussy Ticklers, and a Failure Model Chick in a pear tree…..
On the 3rd Day of Christmas: Just what every bitchy businesswoman needs…a magnetic eyeglass holder because, you know, just holding on to your eyeglasses like a normal grown up adult is clearly too much to ask. And why in the hell is this Nicole-Richie-look-alike-mother-f’er so pissed off? Is it because she has Bugs Bunny’s Acme magnet floating by her head or that fact that she has Sally Jesse Raphael glasses pinned to her rack? I mean, the possibilities are endless. I guess it makes sense, a little, that she doesn’t want to store her glasses on top of head because you totally don’t want to take away from the bangs that went out of style 2 days after
Tyra Banks had them…..3 years ago. And why do they feel the need to show us the magnet? Do they think we have no clue how the “brilliant science” of this product works? What happens to the glasses when this skank rips off her “sport coat” so that she can have filthy “bam bam” with her personal assistant on the cherry-finished wooden conference room table? They are most likely to get crushed. That’s what happens. Well that’s what happens to skanky business women. There you have it. Ho-ho-Yes!
…and a Failure Model Chick in a pear treeeeeeeee!
Be sure to check back tomorrow for the 4th Day of a Harriet Carter Christmas. My gift to you. No returns, exchanges, or credits allowed.
www.myspace.com/ImBringingBloggingBack
On the 6th Day of Christmas: Nothing makes me laugh harder then Church jokes because, at the end of the day, that whole “Jesus in the cross” thing really was a hoot. Oh I mean the way they whipped him, what a treat. Luckily there are 500 Church jokes for you and the whole family to laugh at. Some of my favorites include:
