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More Mindless Stories on ‘12 Days of a Harriet Carter Christmas’

Dec
22

12 Days of a Harriet Carter Christmas: On the 12th Day of Christmas…

Posted by IBBB
12 Days of a Harriet Carter Christmas, harriet carter
On the 12th Day of Christmas, my white-trash love gave to me 12 Windshield Smashers,

~ 11 Santa Toilets

~ 10 Colonial Drivers,

~ 9 Dead Nana’s,

~ 8 Santa Blowers,

~ 7 Ornament Hookers,

~ 6 Crappy Church Jokes,

~ 5 Instant Christmas Tree Wall Stickers,

~ 4 “Diva Las Vegas” Whorebears,

~ 3 Magnetic Eyeglass Holders,

~ 2 Pussy Ticklers

~ And a Failure Model Chick in a Pear Treeeeeee!

On the 12th Day of Christmas: Do you ever like to just destroy things just for the hell of it? Well so does this lady! Does getting out of the car by simply pulling the handle seem a little “boring” to you. Me too! Thanks again Harriet Carter! Now getting out of the car doesn’t have to be so old-fashioned anymore. All you need to do is use this trusty little tool. First, pull into your driveway. Second, take this tool and use the razor end to slice the seat belt off of you (don’t just press the buckle like an animal). Third, take the other end of this tool and break the window. Finally, shimmy yourself out the window and through the broken glass. Don’t worry about the cuts and blood. That’s nothing the hospital can’t quickly fix! In just 4 short hours you’ll be back home and watching TV sipping on water and popping Vicodin. Ok, so maybe I could think of a reason why you would need something like this, but this lady totally is safe. I mean, there aren’t any flames, her car isn’t smoking, she hasn’t been in a crash, it’s a sunny day, and I think I see kids playing hopscotch in the background.

…and a Failure Model Chick in a Pear Treeeeeeee!


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Dec
18

12 Days of a Harriet Carter Christmas: On the 11th Day of Christmas….

Posted by IBBB
12 Days of a Harriet Carter Christmas, harriet carter
On the 11th Day of Christmas my white-trash love gave to me, 11 Santa Toilets, 10 Colonial Drivers, 9 Dead Nana’s, 8 Santa Blowers, 7 Ornament Hookers, 6 Crappy Church Jokes, 5 Instant Christmas Tree Wall Stickers, 4 “Diva Las Vegas” Whorebears, 3 Magnetic Eyeglass Holders, 2 Pussy Ticklers, and a Failure Model Chick in a pear tree!

On the 11th Day of Christmas: Hey kids! Know what Santa just LOVES?? That’s right…when you piss and shit right on his head! I know! Don’t ever bother lifting the toilet seat because now you can spray your urine all over his face…just like you did at the mall that time. Santa knows then you are sleeping and knows when you’re awake. Oh, he also knows when you’ve had one too many beers, ate a little too much Mexican, are having your period, or even binging and purging. Yes, my friends, Santa does know it all. Santa will love it when he risks his life by jumping down your chimney, almost gets food poisoning by your day old milk that’s been sitting out all night, chokes on your carrots, drops off all your gifts and THEN sees the wonderful tribute you’ve left him in the bathroom. He’ll feel really special that you equate Santa Claus with urine, crap, and other bodily fluids. Good luck getting gifts next year, stupid. Happy whoridays, Harriet!

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Dec
18

12 Days of a Harriet Carter Christmas: On the 10th Day of Christmas…

Posted by IBBB
12 Days of a Harriet Carter Christmas, harriet carter
On the 10th Day of Christmas, my white-trash love gave to me 10 Colonial Drivers, 9 Dead Nana’s, 8 Santa Blowers, 7 Ornament Hookers, 6 Crappy Church Jokes, 5 Instant Christmas Tree Wall Stickers, 4 “Diva Las Vegas” Whorebears, 3 Magnetic Eyeglass Holders, 2 Pussy Ticklers, and a Failure Model Chick in a pear tree!

On the 10th Day of Christmas: Hey there grumpy driver! Why the long face? What is it? What do you see girl? Is that yellow lightning bolt that’s coming out of your cheek starting to burn? Or are you embarrassed by the yellow arrow that they’ve placed 2 centimeters from your old crotchola? I like to think that I’ve been in many cars, yet at no time did the seat-belt go across half my face. I mean I understand them trying to protect other drivers lives by not showing all of this chicks ugly face, but strike her with lightning? That’s a little harsh even for me. Just kidding, hit her with a bolt or two. Maybe that will sizzle out that hairsprayed rats nest on her head. Anyway, what kind of car is this chick driving? I’ve yet to see this car model on the road. Perhaps it’s one of those new hybrids that all the kids are wild about? It seems spacious. In fact I’m pretty sure this lady is driving her living-room around town. Yup, I see walls in the background. Oh, and I’m pretty sure she’s using an actual Ferris-wheel as her steering wheel. How the hell big is that? Seriously this lady and car are a complete mess. Wait a second. Excuse me Miss? Yes, you Miss. Driver? Yes you. I have a question. Um, why are you wearing “Colonial” clothing? Yes, you are actually wearing clothes from the “yesteryear” box in your basement. Now were you the actual “Miracle Worker” that helped out Helen Keller or did you just rob her grave for this photo-shoot? I believe you can only wear that outfit if you’re driving a traditional horse and buggy. Wait are you? Thanks Harriet for “cheaping out” and making this chick drive her living room around in Amish clothing.

…and a Failure Model Chick in a pear treeeeeee!


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Dec
17

12 Days of a Harriet Carter Christmas: On the 9th Day of Christmas…

Posted by IBBB
12 Days of a Harriet Carter Christmas, harriet carter
On the 9th Day of Christmas, my white-trash love gave to me, 9 Dead Nana’s, 8 Santa Blowers, 7 Ornament Hookers, 6 Crappy Church Jokes, 5 Instant Christmas Tree Wall Stickers, 4 “Diva Las Vegas” Whorebears, 3 Magnetic Eyeglass Holders, 2 Pussy Ticklers, and a Failure Model Chick in a pear tree!

On the 9th Day of Christmas: Night night Nana! Say goodnight to Grandma, kids! She’s just about ready to take the ultimate dirt nap so you better kiss her hairy lip goodbye now. At least she looks happy to be going and she has a smile and a face full of makeup on to prove it. Just keep zipping it Nana, just keep zipping it! Kids, go and pick out your best tie and your best dress and shine up them shoes because Nana just invited you to a party! No no, there won’t be a pinata or pin-the-tail on the donkey, but there will be coffee cake, some candles, and you’ll get to poke at Nana while she’s laying down inside a very fancy cherry coffin. “Yes” that is a nice cherry finish on the coffin. Nothing but the best for Nana! Seriously, way to teach kids how to place bags over their heads and faces. Don’t try this at home….unless you’re out of options…then give it a whirl. Night night Nana! I’ll be in touch via my Ouija Board!

…and a Failure Model Chick in a pear treeeee!

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Dec
16

12 Days of a Harriet Carter Christmas: On the 8th Day of Christmas….

Posted by IBBB
12 Days of a Harriet Carter Christmas, harriet carter
On the 8th Day of Christmas, my white-trash love gave to me 8 Santa Blowers, 7 Ornament Hookers, 6 Crappy Church Jokes, 5 Instant Christmas Tree Wall Stickers, 4 “Diva Las Vegas” Whorebears, 3 Magnetic Eyeglass Holders, 2 Pussy Ticklers, and a Failure Model Chick in a pear tree!

On the 8th Day of Christmas: Hey Billy! Why don’t you come downstairs and blow Santa? Yes, Santa Claus. Uh-uh. Blow him. Billy is in full blowing position, that little minx. I’m pretty sure at any moment Chris Hanson from “To Catch a Predator” is going to pop out from behind that tree and ask someone to pull a chair for a second because he has a few questions. Gross. Anyway, I say this actually does send the right message to kids. You know what doesn’t get you as far in life as you’d think it would? Studying hard, that’s what. Basically, once you finish college you realize what a complete shit-pit the world is and the only people who really ever make anything of themselves are those who blow their way to the top. Example: Lohan’s. Little Billy needs to learn this lesson now. Time to get on your knees Billy because it’s a shitty economy out there and everyone is competing for the same 2 jobs. So start blowing. Practicing on Santa is perfectly fine because since we’re in a recession the only way Santa is going to be able to bring your Huffy is if you do a little $2 dollar sucky sucky on him. It’s a fact. Oh and good luck getting any money from the Tooth Fairy. The only way she’ll even consider giving you a dime is if you start playing the “alphabet game” on her little fairy “gentlemen greeter.” Don’t stop after you’ve reached “K.” Trust me. The rest of the alphabet is a real crowd pleaser. Ok. I’m not kidding, I don’t even remember what the Harriet Carter product is at this point. I’ve hit a new low. Sweet!

…and a Failure Model Chick in a pear treeeeeee!

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Dec
15

12 Days of Harriet Carter Christmas: On the 7th Day of Christmas…

Posted by IBBB
12 Days of a Harriet Carter Christmas, harriet carter
On the 7th Day of Christmas, my white-trash love gave to me 7 Ornament Hookers, 6 Crappy Church Jokes, 5 Instant Christmas Tree Wall Stickers, 4 “Diva Las Vegas” Whorebears, 3 Magnetic Eyeglass Holders, 2 Pussy Ticklers, and a Failure Model Chick in a pear tree!

On the 7th Day of Christmas: Does decorating your Christmas tree typically seem like it just goes too fast? Do you want to slow down the decorating process by about 46 hours? Well, you’re in luck because now you can put your fishing skills to use by placing each ornament on your Christmas tree with what appears to be a fishing rod. After you carefully hang the ornament on the end of your Christmas Rod, simply find the branch you want (watch that shaking hand and trembling arm) and slowly, very slowly, place that beautiful gold ornament (from Walgreens) on the branch. It doesn’t matter you can barely see the branch from where you’re standing or the fact that the ornament keeps sliding off the branch. Just keep trying. After you’ve attempted this a minimum of 29 times, try another branch and repeat the process. For extra family time fun, give this Christmas Rod to Grandma who’s suffering from Parkinson’s. You and the kids will be squealing with delight by watching Grandma fumble through and entire box of ornaments! Don’t worry about the broken ones that smashed off the ground, the new puppy can lick that up! Ho-ho-huh?

…and a Failure Model Chick in a pear treeeeeee!

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Dec
11

12 Days of Harriet Carter Christmas: On the 6th Day of Christmas…

Posted by IBBB
12 Days of a Harriet Carter Christmas, harriet carter

On the 6th Day of Christmas, my white-trash love game to me 6 Crappy Church Jokes, 5 Instant Christmas Tree Wall Stickers, 4 “Diva Las Vegas” Whorebears, 3 Magnetic Eyeglass Holders, 2 Pussy Ticklers, and a Failure Model Chick in a pear tree!

On the 6th Day of Christmas: Nothing makes me laugh harder then Church jokes because, at the end of the day, that whole “Jesus in the cross” thing really was a hoot. Oh I mean the way they whipped him, what a treat. Luckily there are 500 Church jokes for you and the whole family to laugh at. Some of my favorites include:

~ Did you hear the one about the priest who molested the alter boy?

Answer –>The priest molested the alter boy.

That’s the joke.

And other favorites like:

~ What’s the difference between the Church trying to cover up the molestation scandal and a hurricane?

Answer –> A hurricane has something to do with weather and the other has to do with priests molesting alterboys.

That’s the joke.

Or perhaps my personal all time favorite:

~ How can you tell that it’s almost Palm Sunday?

Answer –> The weather starts getting nicer and priests are molesting the alterboys.

That’s the joke.

Finally, if you want to tell a clean joke to your little children, perhaps try out this one:

~ Wanna hear a dirty joke?

Answer –> 3 white horse fell in the mud. And then a priest jumped in the mud and molested the 3 horses….then got bored with the horses and made the alterboys jump in the mud….so he could molest them.

That’s the joke.

……and a Failure Model Chick in a pear treeeeeeee!

Be sure to check back tomorrow for the 7th Day of Christmas! I can’t wait to be done with this.

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Dec
10

12 Days of a Harriet Carter Christmas: On the 5th Day of Christmas…

Posted by IBBB
12 Days of a Harriet Carter Christmas, harriet carter

On the 5th Day of Christmas, my white-trash love gave to me, 5 Instant Christmas Tree Wall Stickers, 4 “Diva Las Vegas” Whorebears, 3 Magnetic Eyeglass Holders, 2 Pussy Ticklers, and a Failure Model Chick in a pear tree!

On the 5th Day of Christmas: Hey kids! Come downstairs and sniff the Christmas Tree wall! Mmmm doesn’t it smell like the real thing and nothing at all like an 1980’s plastic Halloween costume that they used to sell on a plastic hanger in the Halloween aisle of Walgreens? Doesn’t it!? Do you kids wanna lick the candy canes on the wall? It’s safe because Daddy sprayed peppermint breath freshener all over the wall. Be careful not to knock off any of the Christmas ornaments so they crash onto the ground and break! Oh they’re not real? Ok, well be careful not to accidentally peel off the ornaments and throw the plastic on the ground. Little Bobby and little Suzie will love opening up all their gifts that are stacked up nicely up against the wall! And wanna know the best part? When Christmas is over you can just paint right over the “tree” and be done with it for good. Go green!

My favorite part of the description is when they say, “build tree on wall to leave plenty of space for presents underneath.” Yeah, something tells me that if you’re not buying a real tree and just putting a giant Christmas tree sticker on the wall instead….there probably isn’t any money left for presents to put under the fake tree in question either. Seriously, if this is what your life has come to, just don’t celebrate Christmas at all. Turn to a different religion. What’s the religion with all the candles? Maybe go with that one. It seems more cost effective.

….and a Failure Model Chick in a pear treeeeeeeeeeee!

Be sure to check back tomorrow for the 6th Day of Christmas! What a treat! Is it over yet?

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Dec
09

12 Days of a Harriet Carter Christmas: On the 4th Day of Christmas….

Posted by IBBB
12 Days of a Harriet Carter Christmas, harriet carter

On the 4th Day of Christmas, my white-trash love gave to me, 4 “Diva Las Vegas” Whorebears, 3 Magnetic Eyeglass Holders, 2 Pussy Ticklers, and a Failure Model Chick in a pear tree!

On the 4th Day of Christmas: Finally, Diva Las Vegas whore-stuffed animals that make the perfect gift for any gambling degenerate slampig in your life! Just look at the exquisite detail around the hat! If you guessed that was genuine fur, you’d be wrong. If you guessed flammable polyester with synthetic pigeon feathers…you’d be right! And check out the way this skank-bear has “her” legs crossed. Oh la la, what a real lady! Even this lady needs to be a tramp every once in a while and when you push her paw she sings and shakes “Diva Las Vegas.” Get it? She’s a diva. Oh and she looks like a diva. You know how diva’s always wear sunglasses with diamond dice on each lens? Oh, and you know how diva’s always wear sequins scarves? Yeah, diva’s are like that. So if you have a true diva in your life that likes to go to Bingo, has about 40 Troll Dolls in a glass case, has a cat named “Mitzy,” and a bumper sticker that says, “My Kids Think I’m an ATM” then this is the perfect gift to complete her “Diva Collection.” If IBBB had his way (I felt like speaking in the 3rd person like Lindsay Lohan does with her Myspace blogs) he would make sure that when you pressed the bears paw she really said, “I’m the reason your house has been foreclosed. I’m the reason you missed your mortgage payment.”

…and a Failure Model Chick in a pear treeeeeee!

Be sure to check back tomorrow for the 5th Day of Christmas! Ole!

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Dec
04

12 Days of a Harriet Carter Christmas: On the 3rd Day of Christmas….

Posted by IBBB
12 Days of a Harriet Carter Christmas, harriet carter
On the 3rd day of Christmas, my white-trash love gave to me, 3 Magnetic Eyeglass Holders….2 Pussy Ticklers, and a Failure Model Chick in a pear tree…..

On the 3rd Day of Christmas: Just what every bitchy businesswoman needs…a magnetic eyeglass holder because, you know, just holding on to your eyeglasses like a normal grown up adult is clearly too much to ask. And why in the hell is this Nicole-Richie-look-alike-mother-f’er so pissed off? Is it because she has Bugs Bunny’s Acme magnet floating by her head or that fact that she has Sally Jesse Raphael glasses pinned to her rack? I mean, the possibilities are endless. I guess it makes sense, a little, that she doesn’t want to store her glasses on top of head because you totally don’t want to take away from the bangs that went out of style 2 days after Tyra Banks had them…..3 years ago. And why do they feel the need to show us the magnet? Do they think we have no clue how the “brilliant science” of this product works? What happens to the glasses when this skank rips off her “sport coat” so that she can have filthy “bam bam” with her personal assistant on the cherry-finished wooden conference room table? They are most likely to get crushed. That’s what happens. Well that’s what happens to skanky business women. There you have it. Ho-ho-Yes!

…and a Failure Model Chick in a pear treeeeeeeee!

Be sure to check back tomorrow for the 4th Day of a Harriet Carter Christmas. My gift to you. No returns, exchanges, or credits allowed.

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Dec
03

The 12 Days of a Harriet Carter Christmas!

Posted by IBBB
12 Days of a Harriet Carter Christmas, harriet carter
Happy Harriet Carter Wednesday! Ole! Over the next 12 days IBBB will be doing a little something different with Harriet Carter. So enjoy the 12 Days of a Harriet Carter Christmas. Sing along if you know the words and be sure to check every day for a new and wondrous Harriet Carter white-trash product.

On the 1st day of Christmas my white-trash love gave to me, a Failure Model Chick in a pear tree.

On the 2nd day of Christmas my white-trash love gave to me, 2 pussy tickelers…and a Failure Model Chick in a pear treeeee!


2nd Day of Christmas – Finally! Pussy ticklers that come in a variety of colors! Perfect for every season, but special for this holiday season you can now tickle your pussy in the privacy of your own home! In fact, you can even star in your very own pussy tickling obstacle course! Tickle it whilst walking into the living room. Tickle is again whilst trucking into the kitchen. When you really think about it, with 2 color options there shouldn’t be a room in your house that your pussy can’t play, run, and be free. Please, though, make sure your pussy is extra careful because if one of those feathers rubs it the wrong way…Ahhhh….Ahhhh…..Ahhh Choo! Although, if you’ve never seen your pussy sneeze you really are missing out. I actually saw one burp before whilst coughing and yawning. What a sight to behold. This pussy cat in the picture needs to take the Christmas stick out of its ass because it looks pissed off. Oh sorry we’re bothering you by taking your picture. Sorry to invade your privacy. You can go back to sleeping and licking your crotch when we’re done. Anyway, be sure to surprise Grandma this Christmas with her very own pussy tickler. Please note, no actual pussies were hurt in the making of this blog post.
…..and a Failure Model Chick in a Pear Treeeeeeeee!

Be sure to check back tomorrow for the 3rd Day of a Harriet Carter Christmas. My gift to you. No returns, exchanges, or credits allowed.

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Disclaimer: ImBringingBloggingBack.com contains published rumors, speculation, assumptions, opinions as well as factual information (although I doubt it's that factual). Information on this site may or may not be true and not meant to be taken as fact. The only fact is that it may rot your brain, in which "you're welcome!" IBBB.com makes no warranty as to the validity of any claims. Don't sue me. I have nothing. Ole! IBBB