More Mindless Stories on ‘12 Days of a Harriet Carter Christmas’
On the 12th Day of Christmas, my white-trash love gave to me 12 Windshield Smashers,
~ And a Failure Model Chick in a Pear Treeeeeee!
On the 12th Day of Christmas: Do you ever like to just destroy things just for the hell of it? Well so does this lady! Does getting out of the car by simply pulling the handle seem a little “boring” to you. Me too! Thanks again Harriet Carter! Now getting out of the car doesn’t have to be so old-fashioned anymore. All you need to do is use this trusty little tool. First, pull into your driveway. Second, take this tool and use the razor end to slice the seat belt off of you (don’t just press the buckle like an animal). Third, take the other end of this tool and break the window. Finally, shimmy yourself out the window and through the broken glass. Don’t worry about the cuts and blood. That’s nothing the hospital can’t quickly fix! In just 4 short hours you’ll be back home and watching TV sipping on water and popping Vicodin. Ok, so maybe I could think of a reason why you would need something like this, but this lady totally is safe. I mean, there aren’t any flames, her car isn’t smoking, she hasn’t been in a crash, it’s a sunny day, and I think I see kids playing hopscotch in the background.
…and a Failure Model Chick in a Pear Treeeeeeee!
On the 11th Day
of Christmas my white-trash love gave to me, 11 Santa Toilets, 10 Colonial Drivers, 9 Dead Nana’s, 8 Santa Blowers, 7 Ornament Hookers, 6 Crappy Church Jokes, 5 Instant Christmas Tree Wall Stickers, 4 “Diva Las Vegas” Whorebears, 3 Magnetic Eyeglass Holders, 2 Pussy Ticklers,
and a Failure Model Chick in a pear tree!
On the 11th Day of Christmas: Hey kids! Know what Santa just LOVES?? That’s right…when you piss and shit right on his head! I know! Don’t ever bother lifting the toilet seat because now you can spray your urine all over his face…just like you did at the mall that time. Santa knows then you are sleeping and knows when you’re awake. Oh, he also knows when you’ve had one too many beers, ate a little too much Mexican, are having your period, or even binging and purging. Yes, my friends, Santa does know it all. Santa will love it when he risks his life by jumping down your chimney, almost gets food poisoning by your day old milk that’s been sitting out all night, chokes on your carrots, drops off all your gifts and THEN sees the wonderful tribute you’ve left him in the bathroom. He’ll feel really special that you equate Santa Claus with urine, crap, and other bodily fluids. Good luck getting gifts next year, stupid. Happy whoridays, Harriet!
On the 10th Day
of Christmas, my white-trash love gave to me 10 Colonial Drivers, 9 Dead Nana’s, 8 Santa Blowers, 7 Ornament Hookers, 6 Crappy Church Jokes, 5 Instant Christmas Tree Wall Stickers, 4 “Diva Las Vegas” Whorebears, 3 Magnetic Eyeglass Holders, 2 Pussy Ticklers, and a Failure Model Chick in a pear tree!
On the 10th Day of Christmas
: Hey there grumpy driver! Why the long face? What is it? What do you see girl? Is that yellow lightning bolt that’s coming out of your cheek starting to burn? Or are you embarrassed by the yellow arrow that they’ve placed 2 centimeters from your old crotchola? I like to think that I’ve been in many cars, yet at no time did the seat-belt go across half my face. I mean I understand them trying to protect other drivers lives by not showing all of this chicks ugly face, but strike her with lightning? That’s a little harsh even for me. Just kidding, hit her with a bolt or two. Maybe that will sizzle out that hairsprayed rats nest on her head. Anyway, what kind of car is this chick driving? I’ve yet to see this car model on the road. Perhaps it’s one of those new hybrids that all the kids are wild about? It seems spacious. In fact I’m pretty sure this lady is driving her living-room around town. Yup, I see walls in the background. Oh, and I’m pretty sure she’s using an actual Ferris-wheel as her steering wheel. How the hell big is that? Seriously this lady and car are a complete mess. Wait a second. Excuse me Miss? Yes, you Miss. Driver? Yes you. I have a question. Um, why are you wearing “Colonial” clothing? Yes, you are actually wearing clothes from the “yesteryear” box in your basement. Now were you the actual “Miracle Worker” that helped out Helen Keller or did you just rob her grave for this photo-shoot? I believe you can only wear that outfit if you’re driving a traditional horse and buggy. Wait are you? Thanks Harriet for “cheaping out” and making this chick drive her living room around in Amish clothing.
On the 9th Day
of Christmas, my white-trash love gave to me, 9 Dead Nana’s, 8 Santa Blowers, 7 Ornament Hookers, 6 Crappy Church Jokes, 5 Instant Christmas Tree Wall Stickers, 4 “Diva Las Vegas” Whorebears, 3 Magnetic Eyeglass Holders, 2 Pussy Ticklers
, and a Failure Model Chick in a pear tree!
On the 9th Day of Christmas
: Night night Nana! Say goodnight to Grandma, kids! She’s just about ready to take the ultimate dirt nap so you better kiss her hairy lip goodbye now. At least she looks happy to be going and she has a smile and a face full of makeup on to prove it. Just keep zipping it Nana, just keep zipping it! Kids, go and pick out your best tie and your best dress and shine up them shoes because Nana just invited you to a party! No no, there won’t be a pinata or pin-the-tail on the donkey, but there will be coffee cake, some candles, and you’ll get to poke at Nana while she’s laying down inside a very fancy cherry coffin. “Yes” that is a nice cherry finish on the coffin. Nothing but the best for Nana! Seriously, way to teach kids how to place bags over their heads and faces. Don’t try this at home….unless you’re out of options…then give it a whirl. Night night Nana! I’ll be in touch via my Ouija Board!
On the 8th Day of Christmas: Hey Billy! Why don’t you come downstairs and blow Santa? Yes, Santa Claus. Uh-uh. Blow him. Billy is in full blowing position, that little minx. I’m pretty sure at any moment Chris Hanson from “To Catch a Predator” is going to pop out from behind that tree and ask someone to pull a chair for a second because he has a few questions. Gross. Anyway, I say this actually does send the right message to kids. You know what doesn’t get you as far in life as you’d think it would? Studying hard, that’s what. Basically, once you finish college you realize what a complete shit-pit the world is and the only people who really ever make anything of themselves are those who blow their way to the top. Example: Lohan’s. Little Billy needs to learn this lesson now. Time to get on your knees Billy because it’s a shitty economy out there and everyone is competing for the same 2 jobs. So start blowing. Practicing on Santa is perfectly fine because since we’re in a recession the only way Santa is going to be able to bring your Huffy is if you do a little $2 dollar sucky sucky on him. It’s a fact. Oh and good luck getting any money from the Tooth Fairy. The only way she’ll even consider giving you a dime is if you start playing the “alphabet game” on her little fairy “gentlemen greeter.” Don’t stop after you’ve reached “K.” Trust me. The rest of the alphabet is a real crowd pleaser. Ok. I’m not kidding, I don’t even remember what the Harriet Carter product is at this point. I’ve hit a new low. Sweet!
…and a Failure Model Chick in a pear treeeeeee!