Catfish Recap: Pickles and the Phone Sex Rapper

catfish-cassie-nev-max-2013 catfish-nev-and-gladys-2013 catfish-recap-cassie-steve-gladys-2013

 

I think what I like best about the people on Catfish is that I’m almost certain they’ve never heard of Google…or even Ask Jeeves for that matter. Like, these bricks are the type that log onto AOL chatrooms (circa 1996) and send money to sex-spam-bots on the regular. Oh and enter Cassie. She lives in Miami, but from what I can tell not the good part. Sadly her dad passed away so in order to cope she drank every night and almost lost her scholarship. Please, I almost lost my scholarship for getting hammered and trying to throw my toaster oven out the window whilst I yelled, “Ma’am Paupadoplis is a whore” over and over again. #TrueStory. I had to go to student court.

Either way, through her dad’s death she met Steve who is a “successful” rapper and loves her a lot. The only catch is that he’s “always on the road” performing for his successful rap career and has never met her once. Also, he only has about 3 pictures of himself (shirtless) that he keeps on heavy rotation. Don’t mind the fact that most of those pictures have “Calvin Klein” written across them. I’m sure that’s just a cooincidence. Steve can hardly talk to Cassie on the phone because he’s either in the studio or on tour. That makes sense. There isn’t a reason why Cassie wouldn’t believe him especially since he sends her all of his “tracks.” Hopefully she doesn’t press play on those tracks because she’ll quickly put two and two together when she hears the lyrics to Baby Got Back.

Since there aren’t any red flags Cassie has decided to propose to Steve and will marry him. Naturally. This is where Nev and Max enter. Per usual they’re kicking things off in their secret hotel room where someone may or may not have left there a mother. In fact, they’re heading to Miami to meet up with Cassie and let her know that they’re finding out that Steve may actually be using pictures from someone else’s online account. I know. I was as shocked as you. Maybe it was binging on all those ┬áZima’s out of a Dora the Explorer crazy straw that confused her. Personally, I think here’s your general rule of thumb: If you have to send an email to the folks at Catfish, you might as well make your bet now that the person you think you’re “engaged to” is most likely a fat chick who lives in a shed. Statistically that’s the case 9 times out of 10…so like 33%, I believe.

Nev and Max are trying to show Cassie what they’ve found and pretty much it’s brilliant. They’re saying things to her like, “So. We Google searched his name and we found…” And then they use other technical lingo like, “We performed what is called an image search and we found…” And Cassie is nodding her head like, “Yes, yes. I’ve heard of that I believe.” Sadly, Steve “Killer” isn’t who she thinks he is. Even her friend (the chick who made friends with her over their love of pickles) is shocked. You know who isn’t shocked? The 4.2 million people watching this. Let’s at least hope that “Killer” is an actual killer. #DreamBigBricks

Later, PhD Nev is analyzing Steve’s “songs” and realizes that the name of the person who created the song was actually “Tony.” I mean, who’s even keeping up at this point? The bottom line is that Tony is the cousin/roommate of Cassie’s friend Pickles. Seriously, this is how birth defects happen in the south. Cassie is most concerned because she’s had phone sex with “Steve” numerous times and even asked him to marry her over the phone so she can’t imagine why any of this is happening. It only makes sense for Cassie to go to Pickles house to confront her and it’s there we find out that “Steve” is actually her friend Pickles/Gladys. I mean, what 18 year old chick has that name? Red flag. Morover, once Pickles admits to it Cassie walks away and suddenly drops her purse on the front lawn and heads into the car. Uh, pick that up no? It’s like, if you see something say something, b*tch! Cassie freaks out screaming in the car and calls her mom to spill the beans. I wonder if she could be pregnant from all the “non-sex” she’s not having with the guy she never met? Probably. Nev ends up entering the car with her purse like he’s “ladies who lunch” and convinces her to come on out and see if they can figure this little fun game of “Gotcha!” out.

Cassie and Pickles sit out on the dirty porch and talk about how messed up this all is. They could have been trading recipes for Chicken Pot Pie for all I know because all I could really focus on was the giant fake turtle sitting on top of the giant dice set. Ohh la la this is “decor” in Miami apparently. My favorite part was when Cassie still didn’t believe this was true and called “Steve” whilst Pickles was sitting across from her…and suddenly her phone rang. Brilliant. Cassie ends up confronting Tony inside the house and everyone is making it seem like they did this in the best interest of Cassie. He was like, “Damn, yo, I wish I was really Steve because this all meant something to me.” Uh, really? Because I’m pretty sure you pulled your ding-dong over the phone to “drity talk.” Wash your hands, perv. Also, what was up with the decor “inside” the house which consisted of toy trucks nailed to the wall with their doors open? No joke. Poor folk are a real hoot.

In the end Pickles is really sad that she Catfish’d her friend, but admitted that she did it so that Cassie wouldn’t be a whore any more. Cassie ends up forgiving her and even warned the camera crew that she wouldn’t be “putting hands on anyone.” It’s like a modern day Springer. Pickles is kind of a goon and who decides to Catfish’s their own friend? I mean, you figured by the time MTV contacts you you’re like, “Crap this is real” and then you don’t sign the waver. Just me?

The only saving grace for me this episode was that it wasn’t someone living in a shed. Here’s hoping to episode two!

More Recapping Fun[ubergrid id=15366]

Facebook Comments