Catfish Recap: More Than a Woman

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I was debating if I should title this blog post “More Than a Woman” or “Back, Back, Forth and Forth” but I didn’t want to rock the boat (rock the boat, rock the boat).  See what I did there?!  That’s right folks and it can only mean one thing…this week our Catfish prey is none other than Aaliyah!  No last name needed.  However, this Aaliyah looks like what I assume the other one looked like after the plane crash.  Too soon?  Of course not, it’s never too soon.  This Aaliyah is a giant lesbian, which we know due to her scissor pin that she wears every day (allegedly/made up).  She’s currently living in Oakland, CA so, yes, lock your door and make sure you know where your wallet is at all times.  Like most Aaliyah’s, she’s fallen on hard times after her mom got them evicted and is now forced to couch surf, which technically sounds like more exercise than it actually is.  I had to admit that I’m not quite following her story because during her shady video chat with Nev and Max (who both had to do a shot before ‘talking to the lesbian’) she claims that she’s a senior in high school, is graduating at the beginning of the new school year (huh?) and also works for a non-profit organization to free lesbians from chunky shoes and “wash and go” hairstyles.  At least that’s what I assume the non-profit focuses on.  Either way, I say good for her.  A lesbian in high school?  This must be what it’s like to watch Glee on mute.

Moving on, Aaliyah is in a year old relationship with some chick named Alicia (last name not verified to not be Keys) with whom she met on Facebook.  One passive-aggressive Facebook post lead to another and the next thing you know these two are talking on the phone and are instantly in a relationship.  Now I don’t believe Alicia to be a women nor a lesbian because if she truly was these two would have moved in together after the first “Like” on Facebook.  It’s called research, people, look into it.  It’s also called accurate stereotypes.  It’s a thing.  Either way, the real gotcha gotcha is that Alica lives only 70 blocks from Aaliyah, yet they’ve never met up in person.  They also can’t really video chat because it’s actually Aaliyah who doesn’t have a computer.  That’s not a big deal. I actually didn’t have a computer either.  In 1985.  To make things worse, Alicia always makes up excuses why she can’t meet up with Aaliyah like when she says she has to “work” or “her family doesn’t know she’s Rosie O’Donnell.”  You know, the standard excuses.  Geesh, for someone who’s in the lez box it seems a bit odd that she’d allow her “pictures” to be shown on a little show called Catfish.  But who am I to judge.  I’m not Wapner.  Aaliyah is like a pig in heat and really wants to meet Alicia so that she can quickly move in with her and not have to sleep on random couches anymore.  Dream big, Mr.!

Nev and Max end up flying out to Oakland and meet Aaliyah in the “home” she’s currently staying in.  Let’s just all assume that this is where gangs form, ok?  Nev, for reasons that are never explained, is dressed in a black blazer.  He’s like the 2nd lesbian in the room right now.  He must have been going for that Paula Poundstone look.  Perhaps he’ll flash his breasts to children too?  One may never know.  Nev ends up awkwardly asking Aaliyah why her mom got them evicted from their home.  That’s sweet.  It’s actually a sad story that centers around her mom being diagnosed with a disease and at the same time Aaliyah was diagnosed with ADD.  I mean.  So her mom decided to send her to a special school that was good for people with ADD and, therefore, would rather be homeless than not send her daughter to the best school.  Now I know I’m going to catch a lot of crap from this, but really with the ADD?  Doesn’t, like, everyone have that?  Plus you have 3 months left of high school…I’m sure you’ll be fine.  Also, the doctor probably diagnosed her with lesbianism, but she just got confused.  I think you can just take Flinstone’s chewables for that.  Obviously not the Wilma or Betty vitamins.  Of course.

After the sob story ends, we get to dig into Alicia.  Not literally.  Per usual we learn that Alicia basically demanded that Aaliyah buy her a new phone because hers broke.  When she didn’t want to, Alicia got pissed off so, well, Aaliyah bought her a new iPhone.  Oh, but here’s the kicker.  She had to Western Union it to her because Alicia didn’t want to tell her exactly where she lived.  I’m going on record saying that it’s probably just the mother and she just wanted the new iPhone.  To make matters worse, over the past year Aaliyah has given Alicia upwards of $600.  You totally know this is where Max is going to get all pissed off and, well, I’m right.  Max can’t seem to comprehend this.  He’s like, “cut!”  First off, that doesn’t seem like a lot of money so what the hell was she doing with it?  And second, maybe she should have given her mom that money so, you know, they didn’t have to play “Homeless, Homeless, Where’d You Hide My Bed?”  It’s a fun game, in theory.  However, Max and Nev are on the case and are going to find out once and for all of Alicia is who she says she is.

Once we get past the regular image search, it’s time for Nev and Max to just blindly contact random friends on Facebook and see if they’re willing to chat it up with them.  Here’s the thing, every single person that calls Nev back is like, “Yeah, I know Alicia, she’s great!  In fact, she used to date my brother.”  They even hear from Alicia’s ex boyfriend.  Things get a little shaky when they get a call from some chick that ends up being Alicia’s actual sister.  Her name is even half of Aaliyah’s.  What are the odds?  The sister confirms that Alicia has a boyfriend and since Max and Nev are upstanding citizens they basically decide to out Alicia and ask her sister if there would be a problem if there was a girl who was in love with her.  The sister basically passes out and then dunks herself  in holy water.  She claims that her family would not support something like this.  Good to know they’ll support her being on an MTV reality show called Catfish.  Hashtag priorities.

Nev and Max spill the beans to Aaliyah that Alicia may not be a lez in heat and, in fact, currently has a boyfriend.  Aaliyah keeps thinking that the “boyfriend” is her, but they were like no she really has one and the sister has seen him.  What gives?  Since Alicia lives about a couch-to-5K away they decide to call her up and see if she’ll meet them.  Alicia seems really sweet and kind on the phone.  I jest.  She’s el diablo.  She’s like, “If I wanted to meet her I would have” and then she freaks out that they’re filming her conversation.  Regardless she agrees to let them come over to her Section 8 housing and Aaliyah basically combs her hair, puts on sunglasses, and they head out and up the street.  Literally.  Aaliyah looks like she is going to puke and, well, I’m sick of typing the name “Aaliyah” over and over again.  It’s tougher than you think.

Once they get to the crack den it’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for.  These people are so poor they can’t even afford a doorbell.  I was surprised that there wasn’t a metal pot and a tree branch on the back porch and you just bang those together until someone answers the door.  Sidenote, I get nervous every time once they knock.  Suddenly the broken down door opens and there she is in all her glory.  She has some kind of fake eyelashes on that look like they were used as butterflies in hundreds of thousands of Mariah Carey album covers.  Either that or just paintbrushes superglued to her lids.  I have no idea what lesbians do for fashion.  However, these two do not seem happy to see each other.  I can never really follow along at this point.  I’m always like, “Is that the person or no?  Do they already know each other or no?  Why is no one saying anything!?”  Alicia just kinda sorta does this awkward laugh like she almost sorta thinks she’s on Punk’d and just keeps looking down…and then suddenly lifts her head and looks down the bridge of her nose like she’s a wise cartoon owl sitting on a tree branch teaching school-owl-children.  She “admits” that she doesn’t have any feeling for Aaliyah, she’s been using her for a new iPhone and money, does have a boyfriend, isn’t a lez-bot, and her real job is scamming strangers online.  I’m pretty sure this is what makes you a national treasure.  Also, she is pouring out of her jeans and I think that’s important to point out at a time like this as well.

This chick is so mean.  I actually feel bad for Aaliyah.  I also feel bad for this Aaliyah too.  She’s heart broken and seems really sad, but that could just be the ADD.  I’m not sure how that works.  Alicia isn’t sorry for any of this, continues to be a beast of a woman and Aaliyah finally retreats to the car.  Nev can’t seem to make any headway with Alicia so finally Max leaves the car and gives it a turn.  He takes a softer approach as, he too, is a lesbian.  He finally convinces Alicia to admit that she didn’t use her for the free crap and that she did have some feelings for her, at the least, as a friend.  The next day, the head back on over to Alicia’s house so she can explain.  Apparently she really “isn’t” a lesbian, but does like Aaliyah as a friend.  She also admits to hurting people in her life that love her and she doesn’t know what that’s really about.   The most important issue is resolved when Aaliyah agrees to let Alicia keep the iPhone, but she did take a stand on not paying any more of her bills moving forward.  They awkwardly shake hands and half-hug.  Although truth be told it looked like they were grabbing vaginas, which is a standard lesbian greeting.  It’s in the World Book encyclopedia, if you don’t believe me.

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