Wow it’s been a spell or two since I’ve recapped something here at Camp IBBB. As you know (insert Luann voice) I’ve been selling out on the regular with such magazine sites as Esquire, Cosmopolitan, Harper’s Bazaar, and Redbook and, well, it’s exhausting getting famous and whatnot. However, like Tyra Banks, I give myself up for you. Regardless I’m back here to recap the absolute nasty piss out of the season premiere of Catfish. Plus, here at IBBB I’m able to really cross as many lines as I’d like since I am sans advertisers and only answer to God Oprah.
This week we get to meet Craig, who I believe may be the bastard child of 80’s comic Sinbad. I just cross referenced this with my set of 1988 World Book Encyclopedias and, I was right, he is his son. Craig lives in Pittsburgh, where I’m certain the Mayflower ran into the Liberty Bell back in 1972 when America was first discovered, and is in quite the pickle because he’s in “love” (vomit) with some chick named Zoe who, you guessed it, he’s only chatted with via “the text” and phone for the past year. Craig is a bit concerned, however, that Zoe may be trying to pull the “gotcha gotcha” on him so he’s enlisted the help of Nev and Max to solve this modern day Choose Your Own Adventure.
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Per usual, Max and Nev borderline wake up in each other’s arms and chat like all couples do about which products they’re currently using or not using in their hair. Nev is really trying to grow his out and, well, we’re only about one more season away before he’s sporting a Jennifer Lawrence pixie cut and wearing low cut v-neck t-shirts that expose his Burt Reynolds-like chest hair. This is the cue to toss your sandwich directly into the trash and take a healthy swig of bleach.
Nev and Max decide to chat up Craig via video chat and Craig is all bashful and shy, covering his face with his non-denominational hands for the majority of the conversation. Three seasons in and I’m still not closer to understanding why Max still points a disposable camera at the video chat for the entire conversation. Either way I’m calling shotgun on the doubles once he develops them at Walgreen’s this weekend. I hope I have a coupon. After a short and thoroughly awkward video conversation Nev and Max decide they’ve heard enough and will take Craig on as a “client” and head on up/down to Pittsburgh. Such a pretty name for a city.
Once they arrive, Craig appears to live in what I can only assume is a Marriott Residence Inn. Either way, good on him for not being homeless long enough to shoot this crapisode. Nev starts quizzing him like any of these questions really matter and they haven’t already figured out the ending during pre-production but, hell, I have no life so I will play along with the rest of The America. They, of course, want to know how Craig can “love” Zoe without ever having met her or video chatted with her or, you know, received more than 1 picture from her. I figured he was going to say it was because he felt such a connection, but he immediately brings up his dad dying. Such a downer. Here’s the thing though….and if you saw this episode you know what I’m going to say. He legit said, “Yeah man so my dad didn’t know how to strap up and he caught AIDS and died.” I’m sorry, what? Who? When? Where? Why? And sometimes “y.” He made it seem like he caught a case of the sniffles from Cindy Brady. Of course I immediately place my first guess that his dad didn’t die and he will be playing the role of Zoe. If I’m wrong my second guess is that it’s still the father (the dead version) and he’s playing the role of Zoe via Ouija Board. Too soon?
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The bottom line is that Craig was looking for the love that he never got from his father and found that in Zoe. Zoe seems like a real prize as she’s instructed him to provide her all his social media passwords so she can be sure he’s not cheating on her. Sure, sounds normal. Of course, he obliges and then he later changes all his passwords, yet she “guesses” his new ones and hacks into his Facebook account and posts pictures of herself on his wall. Honestly, I’m not following as I’m still thinking of “he didn’t strap up.” #Terrible. There’s some other hijinks taking place like all his photos automagically being uploaded from his phone to Facebook and at one point she “accidentally” posted a picture of some fat chick with a gap between her teeth and then said it was her “friend” Cassandra and not actually her. Something tells me in about 20 more minutes Nev is going to be knocking on a shed and she’s going to exit said shed all pissed off saying, “Yeah? So? I lied.” Oh and did I mention that Craig was supposed to meet up with Zoe 4 times and 4 times she stood him up (once until 4am) and it was always a “family emergency.” Seems legit. The final straw of crazy is that Zoe claims she lives in North Carolina (the fancier of the Carolina’s) but yet all of her friends live in Florida…in the same location that Craig’s sister lives. Da da duuuuuuun!
Fast-forward to everyone making it to Craig’s sister’s house. And by “house” I mean “double-wide-with-all-the-fixins.” This place had everything; old tavern front door, dirty dog walking around, multiple puffy leather couches (drink!), and even a rifle of sorts hanging up over the faux-fireplace. It’s was basically the “It’s a Small World” ride for the poors. I loved every minute of it. Long story even longer, we learn that Zoe has caused problems with Craig’s sister and his sister’s two friends. Now please keep in mind that none of these people have actually met Zoe and two of the girls never met each other in person either. So while everyone is up in (poor) arms that friendships are now dissolved over risky-nude-picture-leaks-online, I kept shouting at my television, “But none of you actually know each other!” All of these friendships ending made Craig leave the “bar” they were filming in to go out to the dirt parking lot and cry on camera. I mean. It’s at this point that we can all assume his sister should set him up with Nev.
Even though everyone is friendless, Nev and Max have work to do! They immediately start to solve this mystery by Googling Zoe’s telephone number and it traces back to some old bag named Maryann who lives in both Florida and North Carolina. From there they find her Facebook page and I start the prayer circle that Zoe is really a 61 year old women! After legit like two more clicks they find a picture of Cassandra (see above) in a picture with Maryann. They then look up Cassandra on Youtube and find a video of the same overweight-gap-toothed-girl shouting into some webcam and saying things that I couldn’t understand….and I hit rewind 3 times to try and figure it out. Honestly, it’s like take the capicola outta yo mouf’ before you start taping yourself.
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They then bring this “hard evidence” to Craig and his sister, Miriah (not spelled like our Elusive Chartreuse) and after they quiz him over photos of the old lady they then play the Youtube video of Cassandra foaming from the mouth and Craig identifies that voice as the voice of Zoe. He legit can’t believe it. I legit can’t believe he can’t believe it. I also can’t believe Miriah’s dog hasn’t died of poverty. Nev decides to call up “Zoe/Cassandra” but, for a nice change of pace, she doesn’t answer. Nev leaves a message with his standard line of “Hey it’s Nev from Catfish” but she never calls back. So to really change things up they decide to all just head on over to North Carolina to surprise attack Cassandra at her home since they Googled her address and found a picture of her house. What luck!
Here’s the deal. Her house is really nice. Like really, really nice. Although we don’t know if it’s even hers. They knock on the door since no one believes in doorbells and no one answers. I figured they’d head around back to find an old shed, but no dice. Nev starts peeking through the front window and I start to wonder if it’s legal to do any of this, including having a camera crew just standing on someone’s private property. I mean I can’t know all the laws. They keep calling “Zoe” but she doesn’t answer so they start to leave. Suddenly, a car pulls up the driveway and parks. Out comes Cassandra who, God strike me if I’m making this up, looks like the tanned version of Mama June from Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. I, of course, just shouted “C’mon smoochie smooch!” What fun life is!
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Cassandra just basically stands there looking at them and then is like, “Hey.” Followed by, “How did you find my address.” She is full of piss and vinegar, this one! Here’s why this type of Catfisher is my favorite (besides the morbid obesity)….she doesn’t give a sh*t. She’s like, “Yeah I know what I did. So?” They try to Catfish-shame her, but she just keeps laughing and saying things like, “You don’t need to tell me what I’ve done, I know” followed by other hits like, “I’m not making excuses because I did it.” What a charmer! Can someone check because I think there might be another Catfisher living in her second chin. Maybe that’s Zoe? However, the best reason she gives for being all 6’s and 7’s is that she simply wanted to “put people on blast.” That’s as good of a reason as any, I suppose. Sometimes I just want to put people on blast that are strangers but then I think, “Nah, that’s like psychopath behavior.”
Overall Cassandra is unapologetic over what she’s done and just keeps saying she did all this for “fun” and how it’s a “joke that got out of hand.” I mean, “Why did the chicken cross the road?” was a joke that got out of hand. This is just loser-ish. The Elusive Chartreuse is just standing in the background the whole time giving her the death-stare (like the dog is currently giving) but Cassandra ain’t having it. Everyone leaves and then shows up the next day where both Craig and Mama June decide to end things since it was all lies and Mama June couldn’t care less. Of course Max and Nev stay behind to “counsel” her and she finally breaks down crying saying she was bullied in the past and thought about dirt-napping herself a few times. Max and Nev both think this is a breakthrough and that she’ll be fine. I think they’re just glad she didn’t off herself and this turned into another Jenny Jones tragedy.
Of course the only response to any Catfish unveiling is…
