I think this crapisode should be titled “Back to Basics” because it really focuses on why we fell in love with this show in the first place. I feel comfort in the fact that we live in a world where in 2014 people are still meeting the “loves of their life” in Internet chat-rooms. Chat-rooms! I’m yelling, in case you couldn’t tell. I mean, clearly this is what The Jetson’s had envisioned back in the 1960’s.
This week we get to meet John. If that is his real name. Da-da-duuun. John works in the fast-paced-glitz-and-glamorous world of IT consulting. In case you’re confused what that means, it basically entails telling frustrated employees to reboot their computer and, well, possibly even clear the porn off their work laptops. Just me? Either way, John seems like a nice enough guy but he has those “always red” lips that people typically serving their time on death row have. All that was missing was the prison glasses. Like all of us, John was looking for love and so he decided to frequent an online chat-room that deals with psychology and people who have 2 shit-tons worth of mental and emotional problems. If you fancy yourself some crazy, let’s just assume this is like shooting crazy fish in a crazy barrel.
Whilst creepily chatting up lunatics, John met Kelsey. To be specific, John met Kelsey “Beelzebub” which Max was quick to point out is probably a fake last name since “Beelzebub” is another word for “devil.” Uh yeah, thanks, we already knew that due to Wayne’s World (oh, and Queen). I, for one, am shocked that Kelsey may be a fake but, per usual, I’m all in. John only heard Kelsey’s voice the first time he chatted with her over a year ago and not once since then. I’d say this is the first red flag, but I think that flag was reserved for the first moment John entered a chat-room. Oh and Kelsey also doesn’t have Facebook, Twitter or Instagram but she does, however, have body dysmorphia disorder so for those of you playing along at home….JACKPOT! Either way, John considers Kelsey his girlfriend and loves to look at the 5 pictures she sent him. Now I’m not a professional detective, but since I am currently blessed with the magic of “seeing” I’d wager a little bet that all 5 pictures are of a different girl. Moreover, I’m pretty sure that a few of them are of that little b*tch sister from the Kardashian family. What’s her name? Is it Schecky Kardashian? I believe it is. Either way, in exchange for those pictures John was nice enough to send Kelsey (Kelsey Kardashian) a dick pic, you know, so she knows he loves her…with his IT junk. But love is love. And John keeps talking about how much he’s into Kelsey because of the “deep conversations” that he just really loves. Like, vaginal conversations or no? Uh, ok pervIT. See what I did there?
As if all this wasn’t weird, it gets a bit stranger when John explains to Nev and Max that he never really wanted to use his IT skills to track down Kelsey because in the past he’s been obsessive with girls and wanted to do things different this time. I mean, someone dig up John’s back lawn because you totally know that’s where the bodies are buried. I’m going to Google Streetview Search his backyard and look for the newly poured cement slab. For real, I got nervous when Nev asked him if he was a stalker. Since this isn’t my first Catfish rodeo I knew enough to pause some of these scenes and look around his house, you know, for sport. Please someone tell me if he lives at home with his parents because if not he’s a killer. 100%. He has odd dolls in various poses stationed around his house and even some little white dress in a frame hanging on the wall. We’re about two rings away from “The call is coming from inside the house!” Kudos for the tiny guitars hanging above the door. It’s like every day can be a fiesta when you live at John’s!
Nev and Max get to work right away by dragging and dropping Kelsey’s pictures into Google Image Search for .01 seconds, find nothing, and then are out of ideas. Imagine if the show just ended there? They’re like, “Yeah…we’re not sure” and then it just fades to black. However, they hatch a plan to email all the people who are in this rando psychology group to see what they can find. I’m not great with numbers, but are there like 100 billion people in the world? Either way, there’s 10 people in this group. Immediately some dude named something along the lines of “Adam_Gambler6969” responds back and within seconds he’s video chatting with Nev and Max. It’s like, Nev keep both your hands where I can see ’em when you’re videoing with the male species, thankyouverymuch. Adam knows John (from “group”) and even knows Kelsey. Adam and Kelsey have talked a bunch, but he doesn’t have feelings for her and claims they’re just friends. Yeah, ok, kinda like Max and Nev are just friends.
Next up, they get a little ringy-dingy from some chick named Ellie. She lives in a place that I believe was called The Fondue Islands. I have no idea. All I know is that apparently it’s in between Iceland and the UK. I’m not convinced either of those places are real. Ellie says she really likes it there, but there’s only 50,000 people who populate the island so she needed to join this “crazy” group to meet people. I’m sorry, what? Is she like the Fondue Slam Pig of the South? She plowed through 50K already? While it’s nice to have goals, I’d say she didn’t try hard enough in her own country. To make things even more interesting, Ellie spilled the nasty beans that Adam is actually her boyfriend, although they’ve never met and never video chatted. Ladies and gentlemen, this all exists. This is like an actual underground world that has people interacting in it…and I’m scared. And was it also weird how this is supposed to be some big support group, yet everyone that talks to Nev and Max immediately tell them that Kelsey has body dysmophia issues? It’s like, fight-club that sh*t ok?
After they tell John all about their pointless findings they text with Kelsey (who still won’t pick up the god-damn phone or video chat machine) and convince her to let them fly all the way to Orlando (puke) for a little visit. While Kelsey is probably now on suicide watch, she’s really excited and texts them her address. Within minutes they’re all on a flight to Orlando. This always gets me thinking…how the f**k much can a plane ticket be when you book it 30 minutes in advance? I mean, I once booked a flight to LA 4 months early and it was like $700. Moreover, with such insane little notice how do they always get to sit next to each other on the flight? I’m always seated next to the fats. Eh, it’s not that bad…as I typically take that time to do some 30,000 feet in the air fat-shaming. It’s true what they say. When you fat-shame in such high altitude you can actually feel the effects of the fat-shaming more than if you were to just simply fat-shame on the ground.
They finally make it to Orlando, tag-team Mickey Mouse, and then head directly to the address that Kelsey gave them…which ends up being an empty lot. Ba da ba ba ba, me gusta it! I grabbed my rosary beads and started praying double-time that a chick with a glass eye would come out from under the dirt in the empty lot. After it looks like Nev soiled himself, he texts Kelsey on that god-forsake chat room and she admits that this was just a test and that she’s actually at a coffee shop up the street. Whaaat?! Everyone is pissed. John is the most pissed, but for all the wrong reasons. It’s like, dude all signs are pointing to the fact that Kelsey probably has a ding-a-ling and at least 4 pairs of testicles. What I’m getting it is that she’s a dick monster in all likelihood. So they buzz on over to the coffee shop but, again, no dice. What is there is some place called the business center…in a strip mall…in Orlando. This, boys and girls, is where your childhood dreams go to die.
Annnnd it gets worse. As Nev peeks through the “business center” he says, “Oh it looks like you can gamble in there too.” I’m sorry, who?!?! They open the door and there are just rows of slot machines with about 100 elderly faces blurred out (you could tell they were old by their cotton ball heads, duh). Again, THIS EXISTS IN AMERICA! I have to say, I’m sorry if I offend anyone but let’s just pack up NYC, Boston, Chicago, parts of California and maybe Austin, TX and just go an start our own country. Leave Orlando and the middle parts as is and let’s just all move on. Let’s at least try it and see how it goes. Ok, back to the show. I’m calling BS a little on this because can you just unexpectedly walk into a “casino” with a camera crew and that’s just supposed to be ok? Either way, everyone spreads out and they find a room in the back where one man is sitting there. Introducing Kelsey. That “man” is actually Adam (from group and that video chat) and he officially pulled the gotcha-gotcha on all of us. I told you Kelsey was a dick monster.
Adam is all laughing and saying the standard, “Yeah I did it and I don’t care.” He continues on by smiling with this horrid teeth and saying, “I did it because I felt like it and there’s no deeper meaning.” Nev. Is. About. To. Throw. A. Bitch. F*cking. Fit. And poor John (literally and figuratively). All John can say is, “So did you like my dick pic?” I mean. Adam, for real, has a mullet of sorts, flawless acne scars, smokers teeth, and slits for eyes. Legit he looks like Farkus from “A Christmas Story.” But don’t feel bad for him because he claims that he is living life by coming to this “casino” every day, winning the $60.00 (sixty DOLLAR) jackpot (JACKPOT?!) and then going home for the day. That’s his job. No joke. And when they question him on that he starts freaking the F out saying that he can time the jackpot based on the number of people who show up and blah. Who cares?! It’s $60.00 for the day?! That has to be below the poverty level. Eh, I’m not great with math or statistics or what makes Orlando tick, for that matter.
Max has had enough and girlfriend is out with two z-snaps and a twist. He legit drops his camera and says “I’m not giving him anymore air time.” Bonus points for the dramatics, Max, but you forgot there’s still a camera crew left shooting this scene and, well, their cameras have actual film in them. Everyone leaves in a huff and Adam is saying that he’s the greatest Catfish of all time. As a side note, watching nerds argue and try to “burn” each other really should be a show within itself. Once they get back to the hotel/motel/Holiday Inn (say what?), they immediately sass over to their laptop and video chat with Ellie so they can spill the tea that her boyfriend (who she doesn’t know) was really Kelsey all along. She looks confused, but maybe that’s just because she’s from The Fondue Islands? Either that or, like me, she’s puzzled by why Nev is basically yelling all his questions at her even though she speaks English.
In the end, they meet back up with Adam the next day at a “real” coffee shop (spoiler alert: it still wasn’t a real coffee shop) so he can tell his side of the story. He’s acting a lot nicer and telling them he’s sorry and the reason why he did it was because he didn’t want John to start dating Ellie so he made up Kelsey to throw him off. He claims he was threatened by John. Dear God it’s like watching an entire sub-species. John is all, “Ohhh yeah now it’s making sense.” Riiight John. Riiiight. Suddenly Adam gets all pissed at them because Ellie won’t return his texts anymore. It’s at this point that my hand got tired from giving the finger to my television the whole time. Nev and Max end up getting Ellie on video chat (apparently Orlando has wi-fi) and she confronts Adam and ends her conversation by stating that the whole situation is weird and she needs time to think. I’m sure living on The Fondue Islands that’s all you have time to do. They all bid farewell and John leaves halfway looking over his shoulder the whole time to make sure Adam was going to try and shank him from behind. I mean, that’s all this show is missing at this point.
In the follow up/update we learn that Adam got a haircut (he now looks like a young DJ Connor) and moved to LA to try his hand at writing. And when that doesn’t work he might as well just go on a killing spree because you totally know that’s in his cards. He’s still with Ellie and still gave a little attitude when Nev asked him if he grew from this. See you on the nightly news! John has also moved and is now in Illinois with his “lady friend.” Ow! Ow! Truth be told I’m sure both of these guys will be committed to a life of solo hand pleasure for all of eternity. The takeaway? DON’T GO INTO CHAT ROOMS!