I Can’t Believe Audrina’s Mother is This Drunk and, Like, Lauren’s Not Even Here!

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Well once again the sweet baby Jesus and his teen mom, Mary, have shown me that they do indeed exist and are sort of speaking to me in foreign tongues through Audrina Patridge’s mom who is not only a drunk skunk sporting some beaver teeth of her own, but should absolutely be dressing up as Maria Shriver or Meredith Viera this Halloween.

Blessed Mother Patridge was filmed by the paprazzi after Audrina was booted off of Dancing With the Stars because, you guessed it, she was dead inside. Well she could only take so much so she cracked open a few bottles of Zima, poured some Chambord in it, and then started drinking it out of a super-sized-hot-pink-sparkly-crazy-straw. And, yes, all those hyphens were needed.

Some of the topics that Audrina’s mom slurs during the rant include how Audrina is a class act (puke), how when one door closes another one opens (in the trailer), that God didn’t want Audrina to win Dancing With the Stars because He has bigger plans for her (yes, forget about the wars, diseases that can’t be cured, and the cancellation of The City…God is placing all of His focus on Audrina’s career), how Audrina is a F’ing Polish Catholic and F’ing Italian (how to make ceiling eyes and beaver teeth for those of you who are wondering), how Lauren Conrad’s new reality show is about pissy little fashion sh*t, how the girls from The Hills are all tramps (is she including Heidi’s horse in Crested Butte?), how she’s been “the mother of a celebrity for the past 8 years” (she’s Dakota Fanning’s mom?) and how she’s one of the stars in Audrina’s new reality show (see: the new Snooki), and finally how Audrina is going to be so mad at her for doing this.

Phew! Take a breath. Personally I love the cigarette (shout out to Misty 120’s!) and how she goes from attacking passersby on the street to being carried back into “da club.” I’d like to place an order please. Can I have one drunken Patridge, one ceiling eyes (dressing on the side), and an order of Celebrity Rehab. To go. Thank you. How long will that be? Great, I’ll see you in 15 minutes. It’ll be under “Patrick.” Great, thanks.

Ba da ba ba ba, I’m loving it!

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