America’s Next Top Model Recap: Isis Gets Snipped





Spoiler Alert! ANTM jumped the shark 10 seasons ago! ANTM recapper, Jenny, has checked in yet again to recap the crap out of last nights America’s Next Top Model. Here’s what she said went down:

  • The girls show up at Lucky Strike, and are handed bowling high heel shoes by Miss Jay. The bowling alley is their runway. Hannah walks like she is 5 years old and someone just stole all her Barbie dolls.
  • For this week’s challenge, the girls will be portraying cat burglars. Personally, I would have had them portray the “Ham Burglar.” Winner will appear in Seventeen magazine…(or in my version, the dollar menu), and will get to bring two friends (or two fry guys).
  • Dun dun dun……this is it. There is no photo shoot or panel. The worst walker gets sent………home……….Walk like your life depends on it ladies. You better act as though Tyra is behind you showing you pictures of herself on repeat.
  • Joslyn wins the competition, and in the next breath Hannah gets sent home. Thank God. That voice makes me want to hurt myself.
  • It’s 8:30 and there is no sign of Tyra. I’m getting worried.
  • Richards Simmons, I mean Jay, wakes the girls up for their photo shoot. They are getting into the pool and will be shot from the eyes up (not literally). Every one of you better smile with your eyes. This is Tyra’s area of expertise…so you better bring your A game. I don’t want to hear Tyra say, “You did this….and you should have done this….do you see what I did there?”
  • Random home videos of Tyra drinking water.
  • Tyra starts up with all the math again, explaining that there are 10 girls here because there was 11 and 1 was sent home. Tyra is legally a genius.
  • Tyra enlightens us on how this photo shoot came to be. She and her friend were talking pictures of themselves on vacation and started snapping themselves from the eyes up. Now if this shoot was a result of a vacation with MY friends and I, the girls would have been posing in a Mexican bar while local bartenders named Flavi pour tequila down their throat while shaking their head and blowing whistles. Wait, what?
  • “Smile with your eyes” count: 4
  • Isis and Samantha are in the bottom two. So who stays? The girl who Tyra thinks was disgusting? Or the girl who Tyra thinks look sleepy? Miss Disgusting gets to stay. Tyra says goodbye to Isis and tells her she is an inspiration to gays, lesbians, bisexuals and transgenders. What about the rest of America Tyra? Also, my spell check always wants to replace transgender with transponder. Good day.

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