America’s Next Top Model: Makeovers

Welcome back America’s Next Top Model recapper, Jenny, who will kindly walk you through the tragic makeover episode of ANTM. As a helpful tip, smile with your eyes while you read this. Tyra, like Santa, is always watching.

  • Ding Dong! The doorbell rings and it’s purses! And inside the purses is Apple Bottom Jeans and shoes……One girl asks what Apple Bottom Jeans are and Fatima tells her that her ass is big. Ok…
  • It’s Tyra Mail and all the girls read aloud like they are Hooked On Phonics. If they are going to read like this every time mail comes in I am going to loose my mind.
  • It’s a Wal-Mart makeup competition. Make yourselves pretty girls! Not just regular pretty, Wal-Mart pretty.
  • There is something completely screwy about Fatima’s hair color to skin color ratio…Beyond the fact that her hair is yellow, there’s something else. I can’t put my finger on it.
  • Claire wins the makeup challenge and gets a photo on Wal-Mart.Com. Boring.
  • One girl busts out dolls to play with. I am not sure what is happening here. Oh, here we go….Fatima just pulled the race card. And I think I just figured out what her hair reminds me of. It’s a doll I won at an amusement park when I was seven for squirting water in a clown’s nose. The doll was all beat looking and I didn’t even want it. It had bad YELLOW curly hair. I asked my aunt “who has yellow hair?” and threw it in the trash can.
  • It’s makeover time. I was wondering when they were going to do this. I wonder who will run screaming into a mirror.
  • Tyra is going to play “agent” and not tell the girls what their makeover will be until they get in the chair.
  • What the !$%@^? As the girls are getting their makeovers Tyra pops up in a little animated TV in the bottom of the screen and starts spewing fake accents, nonsense and insanity. Shockingly, she calls it Tyra-vision. This is SO Blind Date.
  • Tyra says Marvita is getting, and I QUOTE “a horse mane hair weave, which I’ve never seen before in my life. It’s something that I invented.” Tyra then makes a horse noise. Seriously Tyra, you did NOT invent this. It’s called a mullet and it was invented in New Hampshire.
  • Why aren’t any girls crying yet? This sucks. One girl even had her head shaved…not one tear.
  • FINALLY. Fatima is crying because her weave hurts. Well Fatima, sometimes weaves hurt.
  • This week the girlies are posing by the Brooklyn Bridge this week. Elle MacPherson makes a surprise cameo, as the girls will be modeling Elle’s lingerie. Tyra is pulling out all the stops this cycle. I wonder why Tyra hasn’t decided to whip up a clothing line so she can have the girls model it, and mention herself even more on this show? Hmmm, something to think about Tyra. You can thank me by no longer appearing on television.
  • Seriously, what the hell did they do to Claire’s hair. It looks terrible. Worse than the chick from the Legend of Billie Jean.
  • At judging, Dominique is told that she is “commercial” and a “newspaper model.” They also show her cellulite. I mean honestly, isn’t that what airbrushing is for? I would be PISSED.
  • Tyra makes the other judges “feel her booty” for no reason. Perv.
  • Allison gets eliminated. She is aghast. She spent the entire episode saying that there is no way she will be eliminated. Don’t feel too bad Allison, at least Tyra didn’t give you a mullet and make you feel her booty.
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