American Idol Results Recap in 18 Bullets

americanidol

It’s double elimination night on American Idol.  I wish it was a triple elimination, 2 contestants and then American can just vote me out of life.  Here’s what went down on the results show, in proper bullet point format:

  • Remember when Ryan Seacrest used to wear camouflage army pants and a jean jacket when he was hosting?  Now he’s in a suit like this show is any form of “important.” 
  • Oh crap. Paula is choreographing the “dance number” for the Idol kids.  Why do I have a feeling that the choreography is going to consist of “opening pill bottle” movements and “martini throwback” gestures?
  • Who do I turn my United States Citizenship documentation into?  Can the Post Office handle this?  The Idol kids are singing and dancing in tight 70’s (?) clothes and aviator sunglasses.  I am so embarrassed for myself right now. Also, I think Lil Rounds’ ass is doing its own dance.  Moving on.
  • Hmmm, when Paula was accepting her flowers on stage her legs were spread so wide we almost caught a glimpse of her “MC Skat Cat.”  So close.  Just two steps forward, or maybe two steps back…and we could have seen it.
  • Bad Ford Commercial Alert:  Ugly Ford.
  • I’m not sure who they were trying to confuse or psych out, but they talked about Lil Rounds being a mom and then they kicked her off the show.  Literally.  If that was me I would have just sang the F-word into the microphone until the police dragged me off stage. F it! We’re doin’ it live!
  • Damn it, 70’s medley mix.  Someone needs to tell Freida that we can’t hear her when she puts the mic down.  No joke, at one point they close up on Paula laughing and putting one finger in her ear.  I love the drug-balanced Paula. 
  • Thelma Houston comes out dressed like that chick from 2 seasons ago who was dressed like Big Bird with all the yellow feathers.  Remember that lady?  Thelma’s boobs are up to her chin and the front of her skirt is 2 centimeters south of her Peekaboo.
  • It gets worse, KC from KC and the Sunshine Band.  I feel like I’m at a terrible wedding.  I almost want to dance around my coffee table with a dollar and a tambourine to see if I win a prize. Sidenote, KC is dressed like Keenan Ivory Wayans.
  • Back to elimination….
  • Kris is safe for another week, which is good news for Paula because I’m pretty sure she’s either doing sex to him or wants to do sex to him.
  • Adam Lambert, looks like he’s in a costume for a children’s rock-n-roll play, is safe.  More cat screeches next week.
  • Danny Gokey’s glasses are not safe, but he is. Hopefully next week he’ll be sporting some Sally Jesse Raphael red glasses.
  • Anoop, fresh off his Oscar win, is in the bottom 2.  I believe Randy would call the bottom 2 “the slums,” dog.
  • Alison and her Peg Bundy wig are both in the bottom 2.
  • Matt is safe. No funny comment can be thought up at this time.
  • Time to Suffer Alert: David Archuletta is singing.  Wait, this isn’t actually a joke?  Bathroom break.
  • The results are in.  Anoop got the boot. Peeeeeeace.
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