American Idol 80’s Night

So it’s 80’s night on American Idol so I figured I would check it out. I mean how bad could it be? I grew up in the 80’s (I was also alive during prehistoric times, but that’s another story) so let’s see how the “guys” do this week as they sing the absolute piss out of 1980’s music. Oh, and my money is on Danny Noriega singing something by Wilson Philips (their early work).
  • Wow. Note to self, unless you are actually George Michael under no circumstance should you be singing “Wake Me Up Before You Go Go” as Luke has done. Hey Luke, a good rule of thumb is that you should stay away from any song that has the words “go-go” in it. You’ll thank me later. If you’re going to sing it you might as well as shave off your beard and put that pink tutu on again. Yowza and why the hell is he singing so high? Dogs are barking outside of my apartment…although it could just be the homeless guy who is tormenting them.
  • You know it’s bad when Randy asks “Are you having a good time up there?” My answer would be, “Randy, go F yourself. Now stop the smalltalk and give me my critique.”
  • Paula told Luke she really liked his instrument. I love a perverted Paula.
  • Oh crap, here comes the new Melinda Doolittle or “Giggles McLaughs-Alot” as I like to call him….David Archulettuce.
  • Great, he chose Phil Collins. 2 things I hate: The British and songs that make me feel like I’m heading off to a funeral….my own. Does David shop in the boys department? I mean, I’m sure he’s in a “toddlers husky” at Sears. Oh that’s right I just punk’d you David Archulettuce!
  • If Paula was a teacher and David was in her class, Paula would have sexual intercourse with him and would serve jail time.
  • Hi Denise Richards! You looked happy to be there.
  • Danny Noriega is absolutely Vanessa Minillo. He’s singing Tainted Love and added some purple streaks in his hair which really butched him up.
  • If Danny was a teacher and David was in his class, Danny would have sexual intercourse with him and would serve jail time.
  • Paula is trying to give Danny advice, but doesn’t form 1 complete thought. Literally, not one complete thought.
  • David Hernandez is talking about his most embarrassing moment. Why isn’t he mentioning his stripper moments? Is that not embarrassing?
  • Crap, he’s singing Celine F’n Dion. Does he kinda look like David Copperfield?
  • Wait, who the hell are his backup singers? No joke I think one lady is in a Halloween costume.
  • If Ryan Seacrest was a teacher and David was in his class, Ryan would have sexual intercourse with him and would serve jail time.
  • David Cook is tackling Lionel Richie (not literally). I may regret saying this, but it’s actually good, as the original “Hello” made me want to take a dirt nap. This one only makes me want to take a dirt snooze….that’s different from a dirt nap.
  • Simon tells David that he likes it and says it in a way that we’re all supposed to squeal with delight. Oh F you.
  • How the hell many people are named David on this show?
  • David Castro is up. He makes me nervous, kinda like when you’re walking by that drunken homeless person at like 3 in the morning and even though you’re drunk too you still get a little nervous thinking, “Is this one of those crazy drunken homeless dudes who is so F’d in the head that he’s going to try and stab me with a knife he found in the dumpster.” Yeah, well David Cook makes me nervous like that. Anyone else with me? crickets. crickets. crickets.
  • Did Paula just call him Jason?
  • Did Simon just call him Jason?
  • Wait, his name is Jason? Why did I think it was David? More importantly, how the hell long has this show been on for? I feel like I’m trapped in an America’s Next Top Model MTV marathon. Someone help me. Please.
  • Chikezie is up. Didn’t he sing this song 15 times before? I’m done recapping. Even I hate me at this point.
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