Is it just me or is Teen Mom on for an hour, but there are about 46 minutes of commercials? It’s like we watch Amber curled up on the couch looking out the window and then they go to commercial. Then they come back and Catelynn is laying on her bed…and then they go to commercial. Either way, it’s the greatest show on television.
This week we learn that if it’s one thing that Amber and Gary love to do more than screaming and boxing each other, it’s giving each other little nicknames in their phones so that when they call the MTV cameras can zoom in and capture the crazy. If you recall a couple weeks ago Gary programmed Amber in his phone as “6 inch lashes Amber.” Well this week Amber has Gary programmed in her phone as “Gary the Hairy Fairy.” Is all that supposed to rhyme? Does it? Am I not smart enough to pronounce all those words right? Or is it like “Rachael/Bagel” from Friends? The point is that now all of America has a permanent vision burnt into our brains of Gary in a pink tutu and a fairy God-mother wand flying all over Lanford.
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The texting and phone calls from Gary really are at a new level of crazy. Even the producer has to ask Amber what the F is going on because he’s calling her so much. I assume perhaps he lost Leah and was in a panic, which would be odd because they must have a rule in place that whenever Leah goes missing the first place they MUST look for her is in Gary’s shadow. It’s like Stonehenge over at Chateau Hairy Fairy, I assume. Nevertheless, what we’re witnessing is Gary in heat. Like, actual heat. Like a pig. So same/same. He’s calling Amber and letting her know that Kristina is gone for the day so she should come over and, most likely, climb him like Mount Kilimanjaro. Sidenote, if she chooses to go she should take a couple of protein bars and wear one of those camel water backpacks because as she gets closer to his head I believe the change in altitude can make you pass out. See, you learn things here at IBBB.
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Gary isn’t just suggesting that Amber come over for sexy time, he’s also texting her things about his…wait for it…wait for it…vomit into any bag or bucket that’s near your phone right now…wait for it…his penis. Gary’s penis. Gary is asking Amber if she misses his penis. His penis. Gross. Something tells me that every time Gary goes to pee his penis tries to escape 94.9% of the time. Moreover, as you know, if Gary’s penis sees its shadow we all get 6 more weeks of winter…and poor. It’s a new twist on an old tradition. The point is that Gary is really giving Amjikistan mixed signals and she’s over it. She needs closure even her brother “Boobies?” says that she was released from prison a year ago and Gary having a baby with Kristina is like being released from prison a second time. I’m sorry, what now? When did Boobies become the smartest Portwood this side of the Mason/Dixon? And also, something tells me in that scene that wasn’t the first time Krystal-Meth had her mouth open as a chef tried to shoot something in there. Too much? Well if you saw the scene you’d know what I meant. Get your minds out of the gutter (where April currently resides).
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It was a real win-win for us this week because Gary’s mom went over to Amber’s house to “talk for the first time.” I just assumed she hated Amber, but she lets her know how much she loves her. That’s nice. I mean she could have been giving her a recipe for pulled pork cupcakes for all I know because I was in a daze as I looked at my television because Carol had an extreme makeover. Well, extreme for her. By that I mean she brushed her hair, put on makeup and didn’t have on what I can only assume was floral pajamas from Fashion Bug. She really looked nice. My only concern is that she’s hoarder and the reason why I came to that conclusion is strictly based off her makeup. She MUST have magazines stacked up all around her trailer from the 80’s because she went heavy on the blush and blue eye shadow. I wanted to feel her forehead to make sure she didn’t have a fever because her cheeks we so red. She looked like the Campbell Soup kid. And I loved every minute of it.
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By the end, Amber invites Gary over to talk and even Kristina thinks it’s a good idea…and by that I mean she thinks Gary is leading Amber on and keeping Kristina on the back-burner, which he sort of is. Kristina thinks that she’s not good enough for Gary. She actually said that. And that sudden burst of noise you heard? Well that was just all of America laughing in unison. Anyway, Gary headed over to Amber’s because she needed to tell him to stop texting her about his penis (puke), stop leading her on and stop telling her that he doesn’t want the baby that Kristina’s having. Burn! Also, did Gary wax his eyebrows because in that scene he looked like he was ready to hit the Jersey Shore. Of course Amber ends up screaming at him to get out of her house because he’s not going to make her look crazy (too late) and I was sure as hell hoping that someone was getting their ass kicked down the stairs…but sadly Amber doesn’t live on the second floor anymore. Moment of silence. #NeverForget.
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Meanwhile, Catelynn and Tyler are all nervous to meet with Brandon and Teresa because I think they think they’re going to execute iCarly right in front of them. Of course Dawn the adoption lady is going to be going on this trip with them because she’s a busybody and wants to say the word “adoption” as many times as she can until, I assume, a genie pops out of bottle and grants her a wish for a new perm. I guess that’s how genies work. I’m unclear. Anyway, these two are unbelievable because they keep saying things like, “We’re tired of walking on egg shells for Brandon and Teresa” and “We should be able to post pictures of Carly whenever we want.” Ugh. These two. They’re like the co-mayors of Broken Record City.
Hello Kitty and Ty Ty Banks both need to understand one thing…and I’m only going to say this one last time. iCarly is not their child. They sold her to Brandon and Teresa some years back in exchange for tickets to a Hanson concert, I believe. They have no rights in what Brandon and Teresa do with iCarly. This needs to stop. It’s embarrassing. iCarly is going to grow up and be like, “You two goons missed the concept of what adoption is.” And by “grow up” I mean “when she’s 5 years old because even 5 year olds understand what goes into an adoption.” Stop it.
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The meeting with B&T actually ended up going somewhat well. Although Ty did throw a bitch-fit and say things that made Teresa totally uncomfortable and embarrassed for him…like we all were. Oh, and you totally know B&T had security scope out the parking lot to make sure April wasn’t crushing Twisted Teas and Butch wasn’t picking up trash out there with his chain-gang. Two scenarios that are pretty probable. They do, however, don’t want the cameras showing iCarly’s actual face so it was a lot of shots of the back of her head, which is real shame because I was super curious to see if she got April’s forehead from the gene pool. I guess we’ll never know. It was nice, however, that Cate and Ty got iCarly a life size Elsa doll. I’m sure it’s like one of those nanny-cams so they can watch what she’s up to on the regular. You know what would make an awesome next season? If Cate and Ty moved to the same town as Brandon and Teresa. Like, next door. Or in a treehouse in their backyard! Sky is the limit!
Meanwhile, Maci was on the show and talking about her new baby and giving lifeless half-ass speeches at local colleges to tools in the audience. Oh and Ryan’s parents hate Ryan. The end.
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In a moment we’ve all been waiting for these past 4 weeks, it’s the RETURN OF FARRAH! And DEBRA! And BABY GOOP! MTV pulled the “gotcha gotcha” on us this week because Farrah’s scenes didn’t even start until there were only 15 minutes left. I’m cool with it. It makes it more real. I don’t know why. Here’s the thing, the production crew is terrified of Farrah, as they should be. They try to be all nice and ring her doorbell and are like “we’re here!” but Farrah is pissed off within the first 3 seconds. Literally! She opens the door with this pissed off smile and I was like, why is there a sex-bot opening the door and how much money does Farrah have to be able to own one of those?!?
And then in all her glittered glory…there she was. Debra. Hair straightened. Makeup on. Sporting that sequence jacket Michael Jackson wore during his performance on the Grammy’s in, like ’85. You know the one. She was so happy to see the cameras and we are all so happy to see her. The producer is like “you look so good” and then Debra starts talking about cutting out her intestines. I was like, I’m sorry what now? Freaky bitch! I love it. She probably wanted to shed a few pounds before filming and was like “F it! I’ll just use my court appointed trash claw to cut out my own stomach.” It worked.
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Farrah is all pissed off because the producers are kindly asking her to just intro her scene so that viewers know that she’s back on the show, but she’s not having it. She’s yelling at them and talking to them like they’re idiots. Here’s the best part, the producers are basically like F you. And so, in turn, instead of a nice intro they’re just showing what a horror show Farrah actually is. I LOVE that they’re allowed to talk about what’s actually happening. And then it happens…what we’ve all been waiting for. Farrah starts the ugly cry within the first 5 minutes. I could hear angels applauding. Baby Goop was all pissed off that that the camera crew made mommy mad and she had a look on her face where I thought, “oh yeah she totally has it in her to slaughter humans.” I can’t wait to see what happens next!
Click the Farrah image below to flip through EVERY ugly cry Farrah has even done on camera!
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