After traveling and the like I’m finally able to watch and recap another crapisode of Real Housewives of the Armpit of the Nation. I was concerned that I had missed too much and I would never be able to understand what is happening but, alas, after seeing legit 11 seconds worth of footage…I’m back to being an expert and a sexpert on this show. For those of you on the edge of your puffy leather couches, yes, Kathie is still trying to force feed us her cannoli on the regular. This time around her “publicist” who probably sharpens scissors with Rosie is here to announce the “big news” that she might have a shot at displaying her cannoli at Dylan’s Candy Bar in New York City. Somewhere in a blinged out, yet rusty dumpster, Jill Zarin’s ears perked up and she immediately started making her version called Skinny Girl Cannolirita so that she too could display her goods at Dylan’s Candy Bar. If you’re not aware of what this store is, it’s basically a two floor candy store in the boob of New York City and is filled with kids who most likely are suffering from chronic ADD and then are filled with 16 pounds of sugar whilst their obese parents swat away kisses from the diabetes fairy. Don’t snicker, it’s a thing. See what I did there? Either way, Kathie is psyched but she’s also really nervous because what happens if none of her “family” shows up and therefore can’t punch each other on camera and these scenes never make it on air? Kathie will be forced to continue to live with Richie, his Sally Jesse Raphael eyeglasses, and his popped collar that even kids in middle school have stopped doing 3 years ago. Also, snaggle-tooth is never in style.
Meanwhile, Rosie is busy over at Joe Giudice’s house for reasons that don’t make any kind of sense to me and they’re talking about things like one day having a boy and what happens if Teresa’s eggs and his “eggs” are put into another woman to carry the baby. He wants to know if the baby will still look like him (hopefully not) and he also wants to know if he has “eggs” too. Rosie had a look on her face like she was forced to think of a penis and so she basically said she wasn’t good at “medical things” and then I’m pretty sure I saw her cut her hair an inch shorter and slip into some Birkenstocks. Phew! She just side-stepped that landmine! Also, I still love Rosie. I love how I catch myself literally smiling when she’s on my television and then I quickly remove my smile (and sometimes my pants) and say out loud, “You are NOT supposed to be enjoying this show.” Sometimes I end it with socking myself in the ding-ding and, well, sometimes I end it with just simply putting socks on my ding-ding. It helps during the colder months especially with skyrocketing heating prices. I kid. I have no idea how much anything costs. I assume gas is free on Tuesday.
Later, Bravo does their best to help America learn how to read by showing scenes where Tre, Doozer, Melissa, and Barney are all having dinner with Tre’s mother. Sadly the father can’t make it because he’s still too embarrassed to show his facia bruta on camera after his grown son screamed and cried after the Christening from seasons past. Oh, and he has kidney stones so he didn’t want to shoot one of those out at the dinner table. Tre and Doozer’s mom is so excited that her kids are all getting along that she’s just basically one giant sub-title for the entire scene. She’s throwing out sayings that don’t exist about blood and water. Later she’s throwing out more sayings that don’t exist about the size of Melissa and Teresa’s tongues. It’s no wonder why Tre allegedly reads and speaks at a first grade reading level. The good news is that I read a lot during these scenes and, well, I’m smarter because of it. Plus, I know really neat Italian sayings that I can’t wait to test out next time I go to the deli. I’m looking forward to doing that and slamming the table, holding up one finger and saying, “1 side!”
As if I didn’t already want to play a quick game of “Murder-Suicide: Pick Your Poison” later we’re forced to watch yet another episode where Melissa is trying to spark up her music career. She’s even being visited by Johnny Wright who “may” want to manage her and turn her into even more of the poor-mans-J-Lo. Johnny supposedly manages Justin Timberlake, but I’m going to just guess that he may have ordered his lunch for him during the Mickey Mouse Club days. Either way, he looks horrified by Melissa and even more so by Doozer, who is spending his valuable time telling him that sex makes the world go ’round. I don’t even have words. At this point I think Tanning Mom has a better chance at impressing Johnny and mainly just because she’d probably be passed out with her legs up in the air, sans underwear, and she’d be whistling “On Display” out of her gentlemen greeter. So there’s that. Later she meets some dude who had more shaped eyebrows than her and he’s written another wondrous song for her and is even going to produce it. Here’s the kicker…she’s going to have to actually sing it and, well, this makes her nervous. That makes total sense. It’s like when people ask me to stop being awesome. I get scared that I’ll never be able to stop. So I don’t. Where was I? Ah yes, Melissa is butchering the lyrics, my ears, and my allergy-induced headache all whilst Johnny and some rando-chick in the back keep giving each other the side eye. Maybe Doozer should come down to the studio and tell them his theory on “releasing the poison.” Puke and vomit all wrapped into one. Johnny seems to think that Melissa is going to be too into her family to do this and so is giving her the challenge of going to a vocal coach and then out to Orlando to practice at his private residence. I mean, there’s a red flag. Besides Mickey and clusters of Level III sex offenders, who the hell lives in Orlando?! Besides, didn’t we already see alllllll of this in season one of Real Housewives of Atlanta between Kim Zolciak, her fried wig, and her vocal coach Jan? Yawn.
Meanwhile Caroline has a migraine and Jacqueline is giving a speech on Autism that Teresa tried to help with. I’m not dealing with any of that.
I’m guessing more things happened, but I’m pretty sure that it had to do with Kathie and her cannoli so, well, why would I put any of you through that again? In the end, Melissa and Doozer go to some random dinner where Penny just happens to be. What are the producer-instructed-odds-of-that!? Penny is quite the looker. I actually chuckled when Doozer said she looks like a train wreck. Bravo. Literally. They end going up to Penny to chat about who was really behind those “cheating” rumors from back in the day and Penny ends up finally admitting that it was Teresa who put her up to all of it. She also admitted that her husband is “Johnny the Greek” who is the one who Twitter-harasses Melissa on the regular. I mean. Johnny the Greek? Kill yourself. I’m embarrassed enough that I’m IBBB. Imagine being known as Johnny the Greek? Terrible. Penny is “tired” of the all the “drama” and doesn’t want to be “a part of it anymore.” I’m tired of this show. PLEASE someone hit someone!