Catfish Recap: LeVourne & Trikey

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This crapisode of Catfish is 1 hr and 30 minutes.  What in the holy Nev-Hell could possibly happen where they’ll need an extra half-hour?  Something tells me that once they ring the doorbell someone is getting Mary-Jo-Buttafucco’d in the face.  It’s only a matter of time.  This time around we get to meet Lauren.  She’s from Steven Tyler, Texas, is 21, got knocked the hell up 2 years ago and apparently just missed the cut-off to try out for Teen Mom 2.  Drat, there goes her “new boobs” fund.  Lauren lives in her dad’s house, but can still afford the luxuries of a puffy leather couch.  Ooh la la, they must have imported that decor straight from Waco!  Insert wink here___.  Lauren is in quite the little pickle because she met “Derek” online when she had a Myspace account.  Did I mention she was 14 years old when she said “thanks for the add” on his page?  Well she was.  No offence, but you wanna know what I was doing at 14?  Getting my braces tightened and wondering why I was waking up in the middle of the night wet, without peeing the bed.  I was a slow learner.  The point is, I wasn’t on Myspace at 14 trolling for a relationship.  I clearly waited until I was 21 for that to take place as I am a gentleman.  Plus, what could that flirting been like on Myspace for these two goons?  Between all the glittery animated kicking Betty Boop’s falling down the screen and the horrible song selection freezing up your dial up AOL connection, who could possible have time to build a relationship?  I spent most of my time fixing up my Top 8.  Either way, I’m immediately convinced that Derek is a sex-spam-bot…and you should be convinced of the same.  I wish I could fast-forward to the part where he asked her to wire $10,000 to his off-shore account in Tajikistan because his father, the King, is ill on his death bed.

Since Max and Nev apparently live together in hotel rooms all across the trashiest parts of the United States, they decide it’s time to Skype with Lauren.  Is is just me or is Max getting more and more pissed off with each new episode over how these people are bricks? At one point he’s basically yelling at Ernie Nev and you totally know someone is going to have a black-eye to explain to the girls in the sewing circle tomorrow.  And most likely a sore bum bum, but I don’t judge.  I leave that up to Judy.  Anybeard, they dial up Lauren on the old Apple IIc so they can see what her real deal is.   I’m confused by her immediately since she’s wearing an orange striped oversized shirt, so I instantly figure she’s Skyping from prison.  I was trying to look behind her to see if I could spot Amber via the slammer.  It’s like Where’s Waldo for a new generation.  Both Nev and Max basically tell her she’s a goon-face, but  hold out since she discusses how she got engaged and then broke off the wedding plans after Derek unfriended her on Facebook.  I, truth be told, was just relieved they upgraded from the strip mall of the social media world and gave “The Book” a try.  What I want to know is that if she was so in love with him for the past 8 years how did she get pregnant in the first place and find the time to go out and get herself engaged to someone who wasn’t the baby daddy?  Again, I’m going with sex-spam-bot.

After we’re forced to watch Nev and Max reenact the opening credits from The Monkees and walk through the airport in a fast-forward style motion, we’re forced to watch them take a leak at a public urinal all whilst Nev sneaks a peek and feels up Nev.  If Nev isn’t a registered sex offender by season 3 I think it will be a severe injustice to all those who work in airports and, well, something must be done.  If you see something, say something.  It’s like you “see” with your eyes, Nev, not with your hands.  Pervy McTouch-Dink.  Moving on, after they meet Lauren in person we get to see what a spaz she really is.  Puffy leather aside, she actually shows us all the messages from Derek she’s saved as photos on her phone and walks us through the entire album. Album!  How she got one dude to stick his ding ding into her gentleman greeter and make el nino is beyond me.  She should stick to Mysapce.  Per usual (yawn) we learn that Derek never wanted to video chat with her and even when she was 5-hours away from him in Maryland (which apparently is still a part of the United States of Non Canada) he decided not to meet up with her because he “has roommates and stuff and they won’t be cool with it.”  Yeah, that’s code word for either, “Yes I am, in fact, a fat chick who lives in a shed” (fingers crossed!) or “I’m missing my actual face.”  My chimpanzee is killing my friend!  Poor Lauren just simply wants to marry the man she’s never met and can’t understand why he’s putting up such a fight about it.  I think it’s super safe for her to get her baby involved in this as well.  I’ll start contacting “Milk” about pasting her kids picture on the back of all their cartons.  

Nev and Max waste no time performing their research to find out exactly who Derek is.  As usual they do things like “use the Internet” and “ask the Magic 8-Ball.”  The strange part is that everything seems to be checking out just fine.   Derek has plenty of actual Facebook friends from Maryland and they can’t seem to find his picture anywhere else online.  I begin to take a swig from my Propofol (because if it’s good enough for the King of Pop then…) when suddenly things don’t seem to match up anymore.  Nev Google’s Derek’s phone number and it’s registered to a man named R. LeVourne.  Oh and he’s older than Derek.  Ah yes, and did I also mention that he was black?  Jackpot.  For real.  My TV screen might as well just flashed Cherry Cherry Cherry across it because it looks like Lauren may have been falling in love with Nene Leaks’ husband, Greg, this whole time and I can’t wait!  I may or may not have jumped up from my couch and performed 3/4ths of the Electric Slide.  You’ve got to feel it, IT’S ELECTRIC!

Of course Nev has to go squeal to Lauren as soon as he possibly can about what they found.  Girls.  They show her pictures of LeVourne and his kids (bonus points) but Lauren just keeps saying that she knows that’s not Derek because she “knows his voice.”  Um, racist much? In case Lauren needs to catch up with the times and, you know, get educated why could that not sound like Derek?  Does she think every black person sounds like someone from Family Matters?  Get a clue, bricks.  It’s 2006 for cripes sakes.  Error.  It’s 2010.  Nope, 2013.  Either way, Nev and Max call up Derek to start questioning the ever-loving-shiz out of him.  Nev does his standard, “Hey Derek?  Yeah, I have a show called Catfish.”  Derek seems like he’s hiding something (and don’t lie and pretend you at home weren’t trying to figure out what race he was based on his voice), but after 15 seconds on the phone he agrees to meet Lauren and a camera crew for a national television show.  For real, who just agrees to this stuff so easily?  I mean, I hit “ignore” on my phone for 4 years when I stopped paying my student loans and “the government” was calling me, but this guy just says “yes” faster than it takes Nev to shave that awkward place between his lower neck and upper chest.    Later the Three Amigo’s all meet up so that Lauren can sit down with her dad and his wife to fill them in on what in the hell has been going on.  The stepmom literally asks the question, “And who are you people?”  You totally know the dad thought he was on To Catch a Predator.  It’s like, “Pour yourself some lemonade and unload your box of condoms because I’ll be down in a few minutes!”  After Lauren explains how she fell in love with a random Myspace sex-spam-bot 8 years ago her dad starts to cry (manly) and then wipes away the tears, awkwardly explains how his current wife was his best friend before his 1st wife died (huh?) and then they all give Lauren their blessing to fly out to Maryland to get slaughtered to death.

After a quick plane ride and a car ride where Nev and Max both make Lauren cry due to systematic bullying, they arrive at Derek’s house.  I have to admit every time they start walking up to the house I legit get nervous too.  Clearly I’m invested in the outcome too much.  As. Are. You.  I was surprised to see that Derek lives in an actual house and was equally surprised that they didn’t walk around the back where some sort of garage-carport-shed-cardboard-box contraption existed.  Lauren’s freaking out, Nev is freaking out, I’m freaking out, and I’m yelling “Bring out LeVourne.”  And just as I’m about to down my champagne and blow my New Years Eve party horns…it happens.  The door opens.  I, of course, shout “Aaaah Derek” like Gia from Season 1 of Real Housewives of New Jersey.  However, sadly it is actually Derek It’s the actual dude from the pictures.  WTF!?  I immediately become bored.  He wasn’t even missing half his face due to a pet chimpanzee attack or anything!?  I feel duped.  Who in the sweet F is LeVourne then?  And, not for nothing you can’t just use someone’s picture on a television show without their written consent.  So, uh, who the hell was that guy and, more importantly, is Barbara Walter’s in process of trying to secure an exclusive interview with him or should I?  I’m still in shock.  My guesses are always so crazy that this time I legit was like, “I bet her mother isn’t dead and it’s really her mom just trying to stay in touch with her.”  I’m not joking, I thought that.

In the end these two have a date, pretty much bang, and then Derek gets to meet Lauren’s son.  I’m still pissed.  I’ve come to the conclusion that if the person isn’t playing a trick on them, I’m less than interested.  Even Nev seemed speechless.  Even his beard began to recede as soon as they realized that this really was a love match.  So, I’m officially going on record stating that I think with this one, we were Punk’d.  I think Lauren and Derek applied for the show in hopes they could pull one over on Max, Nev, me and the rest of the American public.  I’ll only stand for this like 15 more times before I stop watching this show.

LeVourne?  Where are you?  Who are you?  Whhhhhyyyy!?!

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Comments

  1. Loyda's Aquamarine Contacts says:

    So I’ve been waiting for just one episode where there was no Catfish and the people were actually honest, but this was so disappointing. What a boring, vanilla couple! Couldn’t Derek have been married or something? Boo. Bring back the fat chicks in sheds!

    • I know, right!? I was banking on LeVourne for a nice awkward meeting/run from cameras.

      Also, your screen name/handle is awesome.

  2. My favorite part was where Nev had thelittle boy ride his car thru the “tunnel”. Nice game of run your face into my junk.

  3. Steven Tyler, Texas says:

    I have been telling my boyfriend (who I didn’t meet on MySpace) about this show and last night I finally get him to watch, and there is no catfish! What the hell Nev?!?

    I was excited to see this because Tyler is about an hour away from where I live.. I also wondered if Lauren’s “friend” was the father of her child.. Anyone else?

    • Maeghensauce says:

      I totally thought it was going to be LeVourne and she was going to end up with her friend. When he met Derek he was like “they mean the world to me…” and I was waiting for the dramatic confession of love but then he just said “so if their happy, I’m happy”

      • T*ts on a Stick, aka Biggity Busted says:

        I thought it was going to be her friend who went to the park with them and then went on the trip to babysit for her ( I was surprised MTV shelled out for plane tickets for her son and friend to go too!)

    • I’m about two hours away from Steven Tyler myself! I didn’t get the feeling that he was the dad but that he was secretly in love with her.

  4. I was wondering about them posting LaVourne’s photos, too. They had to get permission for that. But it was suspicious that Derek had a 215 number (Pennsylvania). The only thing I can think of is that they typed in the wrong area code. I checked, tho, and there’s no MD code that’s similar. I missed the first few season 2 Catfish. This was a sucky one to catch. And why the hell did it deserve an after show? It was like 6 minutes of questions and 16 minutes of fan Tweets and Instagram messages.

    • …and all the instagram questions were like “are you getting maaaaaarried?”

      Who cares. Catfish someone for cripes sakes!

    • sp3cialk4y says:

      Crik,

      In case you haven’t noticed, PA and MD are very close and I’m sure that his number is a cell phone number. My ex had an OK number while he was living in PA, it’s not that uncommon.

      • Stephanie says:

        People can have different area codes. I moved from NY to Maryland and I still have my same NY cell phone number.
        Can’t people just be happy for Lauren and Derek?

    • Meredith says:

      Actually (and I only know this because I’m a print journalist), Facebook photos are part of what we in the “biz” call “public domain.” Anyone can use them for anything. Once you post a photo on Facebook, Nev and Max can plaster it all over the television for anyone and everyone to see without getting your permission. Nifty, huh?

      I still kept hoping they would bring R. LeVourne out on that incredibly awkward shit-carnival of an after-show. I was disappointed.

  5. Guitar Pipe Solo says:

    This may make me a bad person, but I was disappointed as all hell in this one. I was rooting for the sh*t show and I got some feel-good BS instead and I am not happy. At least there was a Teen Mom 3 trailer!

  6. Porsha Stewart says:

    “Lauren may have been falling in love with Nene Leaks’ husband, Greg . . .”

    That’s gold!

  7. Let Me Adopt Jace says:

    So disappointing. I knew FOR SURE that the house belonged to LeVourne. What 23 year old single guy can afford that? It looked like a married man’s house. But, no. Then I got all giddy once again when those two crazy kids hugged and I saw a ring on his left finger, but it later appeared on his right hand. Damn camera tricks.

    My hubby summed it up the best. “Booooooooo.”

    Bring on Teen Mom 3! :D (and Teen Mom 2 season 40)

  8. Janelle's ugly toes says:

    The Mary Jo Buttafuco reference was the best!! If only there had been reality tv cameras following that shit storm. DEREK! I thought I was the only person who thinks of Gia every single time I hear that name. I was totally disappointed in the outcome and I agree with the other poster who says that house doesn’t seem to belong to a 23 year old….unless he has murdered his parents and they are buried in the basement.

    Teen Mom 3 – YAY….more puffy leather couches and backward baseball caps ala Tyler Baltiere (who has canceled his wedding that bastard!)

    • LaVourne's Actual Voice says:

      Shut your mouth! Tyler cancelled on Caitlynn? After she spent all that money on Phentermine and HCG to lose the “baby weight”? How did I miss this??

      • Pirate Mike, stepdad extraordinaire says:

        Tis true. He cancelled. Lil’ bastard. Have you seen these two on “Couples Therapy”?

  9. Lauren's Happiness Brings Me Sadness says:

    I’ve been belly aching for ages about how I needed a happy ending. Then I get this. I kept waiting for the twist. “Why didn’t you want to webcam?” “Well…I was undergoing extensive surgery. I have to confess. I was born Derecka. Not Derek.” But it NEVER HAPPENED. Such a flop. Next week better bring it. I want a woman to fall in love with a man that was once a woman that is planning on being a woman again.

    • Ski Chalet's Landlady says:

      Hahahaha, Dereka. I love it! I too was hoping for that once I figured out that we weren’t going to see R. LeVourne anywhere. I kept texting my friend, “I still don’t believe this… It’s too good to be true… I bet he’s really a woman and had sex change operations, and that’s why he wouldn’t Skype with her.”

  10. Not a Catfish--it was Moby Dick says:

    I absolutely want to know what is up with LaVourne. The after show was soooooooo boring. I gave up watching. The “fan questions” were a real snooze. None of the questions we really wanted to know were asked. Derek seemed not so into Lauren, really–at the same time, I do think we were punked on this episode.

    • He didn’t seem that into her to me either. She seemed really pushy about stuff. Through the whole after show I felt like he was just waiting for the show to end so he could break up with her.

  11. butch goes to law school says:

    im in maryland and i want to know where the hell in maryland were they?i was kind of freaked out that lauren handed her son over to derek..i was like..check the sex offender registry first..its what we should all do before dating..

  12. Not a Catfish--it was Moby Dick says:

    That had to be the Derek’s parents home. That is an expensive part of the country to live in, and guys with roomates don’t hang lovely flower baskets on their porch or purchase birdbaths instead of webcams .. . . unless ???? Not that there’s anything wrong with that . . .

  13. butch goes to law school says:

    my question is..now that people have seen this show,why dont they do the searches nev does?are they scared to or something?

    • Exactly. I want to know what happens between the time they call the catfish and then show up at the door. I would be calling him and saying, “Why is your phone registered to a black man with a wife and kids?”

  14. Could this Derek be the same Derek who impregnated Farrah? Maybe he faked his death and went into a witness protection program to get away from that crazy bitch and Debra’s trash claw? That would’ve been a great twist.

  15. I admit, I spent the entire phone call with Derek trying to figure out if he was a middle aged black man. After I shouted, “Nope, he’s not black!” my husband asked me how I could tell. Um, nevermind…

  16. Nev's Tramp Stamp says:

    I personally think this show is complete bogus. If not, kudos to Derek on making Lauren his beard!

  17. I really expected this episode to turn out with Levourne or whatever his name was being a pedophile that found Lauren when she was a teenager. I’m ashamed to say that I’m a little disappointed that. That wasn’t. The case.

  18. Stevie Nicks' Septum says:

    “I wish I could fast-forward to the part where he asked her to wire $10,000 to his off-shore account in Tajikistan because his father, the King, is ill on his death bed.”

    I thought he lived in Ambjikistan. Did he move?!?!

  19. LaVourne's Actual Voice says:

    I think Derek is somewhat good-looking, however, after seeing the Myspace (one of eight allowed) photos that initially attracted Lauren to him, I raised an eyebrow in concern and it stayed there for the remainder of the show. He looked like a X-box 1 playing pot head, not unlike my BF at 16, but hey, at least I met him in person. That’s better, right?

  20. Meredith says:

    A few things.

    1. I, too, wanted a happy ending on at least one episode of Catfish. And, like everyone else, when it happened, I was monumentally disappointed.

    2. I don’t buy Derek’s unwilling-to-webcam excuse. I think there’s something more interesting there, and Derek is hiding it. Shame on Nev and Max for failing to get us the dirt. Mayhaps it is because they were too busy playing with each other’s buttholes to do their jobs?

    3. Until this episode, I was convinced that some of these stories had happy endings and they were just throwing that footage away because it’s only interesting if the person on the other end turns out to be a 65-year-old black man who rides “trikes”. Or, of course, a fat chick in a shed: our favorite.

    4. When I saw that this episode was 1.5 hours, I was immediately suspicious that either A) Derek was legit or B) Someone got murdered during the big reveal.

    5. I wanted Derek to end up being LeVourne and see Lauren and her “friend” Ryan ride off happily into the sunset. Perhaps on a trike.

    6. Does this mean Ryan isn’t in love with her and he is perhaps the same persuasion as that of which we suspect Max and Nev of being? Hmmm… ?

    7. Why was Nev sexually assaulting Lauren’s child?

  21. Pervy McTouchDink=my new favorite name in the whole world!!!

  22. Tryke off into the sunset says:

    So how do you explain the tricycle coincidence?!

    Haha Truks N Trykes.

  23. Aubree's booger says:

    Did anyone else try to ignore the fact that this chick sounded JUST like Ashee/Ashley from RHONJ? The same stupid, annoying voice? I couldn’t listen to her talk. And they both ironically have boyfriends named Derek…. coincidence? RHONJ/Catfish crossover anybody?

  24. Pirate Mike, stepdad extraordinaire says:

    First off, Mr. Patrick, me likey the new digs! I had no idea you were giving us the ol’ breakdown of the fish of the cat, so I’m glad I saw your tweet!
    I feel we must be long lost family, because I too kept comparing this chick to Chelsea, a la “Bricks”. Good lord!

    I felt bad for the “Manny on Board”, perhaps Lauren would have fallen for him had he not had clear eyelashes. OK, I jest.

    Also, did anyone question the fact that a 21 year old straight man was posting about a “steal of a bird bath” for his garden?? WTF?

    Patrick and fam: I look forward to reuniting with y’all in late August. Didja see the trailer for the hot mess going by the name of Teen Mom 3? Let’s do this!

  25. Fat girl in a shed says:

    When he opened the door I had a sudden rush of warm fuzzy feelings come over me that quickly went away and then I just felt robbed. I mean I just sat through an hour of Nev and Max doing some high quality investigative work on Google for that crap ending….boring! Also why do these people never just Google the person they are talking to. Yea I always believe what people online tell me and I would never try to search them on Google, Facebook, Twitter, etc because I “trust” them. My standards might be too high for MTV. I need to re evaluate my life.

  26. Thank God for this blog…I was so distraught after this episode…my gf was gushing over how sweet it was that finally a story had a happy ending, and I was searching desperately for like-minded cynics who felt like they, themselves, had indeed just been ‘catfished’.

    A point that was raised regarding the initial ‘reveal’ is in need of further discussion; someone mentioned the inevitability of a ‘Buttafuoco moment’ or similar. I can’t imagine that the show and/or network doesn’t do some sort of due-diligence pre-meet-and-greet that effectively rules out the potential for said tragic ending (as fantastic as that might be for ratings).

    There needs to be a dedicated post-game discussion forum for this show, because I think it is uniquely presented as this simple, honest, well-meaning get to the truth expose, and I’m becoming more and more convinced that there is some truly ironic funny business going on here…

  27. I totally thought it was Greg aka nene husband! The resemblance was uncanny….

  28. One Fish Two Fish Catfish Blue Fish says:

    So very disappointed that nothing at all hinky happened in this episode. I was so stoked when they found Levourne and I really thought it was going to be him talking to her for 8 years. But then they found out this guy was real. And I got to thinking, he’s kind of a jerk for not getting a webcam for all those years. The birds are more important than her? He never really explained and I think there is something deeper to it.

    Maybe we’ll get lucky and they will have a follow-up in the future that it was a set-up or he’s really gay, or Levourne is his secret identity.

  29. T*ts on a Stick, aka Biggity Busted says:

    What a letdown! figured it wouldn’t be LeVourne because, lets face it, even though they get some real winners on this show, what married guy with kids is going to go on tv and announce to his family and the world that he’s been internet-diddling some girl for the past 8 years? It would have been awesome though…

    I’ve been hoping for the happy ending too, just once! But this was such a let down! God those two were dull! She was super pushy, and he seemed like he really didn’t want to be there but he’s stuck now ’cause she knows where he lives!

  30. Private D*ck says:

    So when Derek first opens the door, he is legit wearing a wedding ring on his left hand. Then in the next scene, when they are on the patio – the ring is gone. There’s some major cover-up going on there. Rewind that and take a look. I did, three times. It’s there. He’s already married.

    • Tryke off into the sunset says:

      I’ve been googling “catfish Lauren Derek fake” and “catfish Lauren Derek scam” but to no avail.

      • Private D*ck says:

        Yeah, I have too. No one’s broken the story yet. I wish I knew how to screen capture it so people could say and we could demand some answers! IBBB – can you help out?

  31. Conspiracy Man says:

    I have figured it out. LeVourne is Derek’s boyfriend. Hence the phone and tryke reference. Derek know’s LeVourne a lot more than he lets on. There might be some rough trade going on.