Hello my good people. With the current weather I thought we should dig deep into the IBBB archives and bring back the open letter of yesteryear to Mr Snowstorm. In the meantime, follow me on Facebook and lets get through this storm together!
Dear Winter Snowstorm,
Hey there how are you? Yeah, I’m ok thanks for asking. I’m a little aggravated, actually. What is it about your snow that makes people act insane? No really, I’d like to know. Sure there’s some white fluffy stuff, similar to cotton balls, falling from the sky but what is it about that that makes everyone drive like knives, fire, and newborn babies are falling from the sky? I was lucky enough to be driving behind a station wagon with the traditional Brady Bunch wood paneling along the sides (apparently those still exist) and you would have thought this driver completely lost their steering wheel. Perhaps they left it back at the Grand Canyon whilst looking for Bobby and Cindy. I actually was hoping they were drunk and not driving this way because of the weather. This station wagon, that somehow turned itself into a firey runaway train on the highway to hell, was all over the road and kept slamming on their breaks for no apparent reason. Good move. I hear that when there is snow and ice on the ground nothing keeps your car in full control quite like slamming on the breaks. This was especially entertaining because there weren’t any other cars in front of said “runaway train.” On one occasion when I was forced to slam on my breaks and pray to my sweet Jesus not to have me go face first through the windshield, I got close enough to the said station wagon to notice that this car has traveled all the way from Idaho. That explains it. Thanks Idaho, your state is borderline pointless! I’m joking. Of course Idaho is a fictious place dreamed up by Mother Goose where only cartoon potato people exist and are covered in a light film of dirt.
Moving on, I made it to my destination after watching about 10 other cars fishtail all over the highway and just needed to find a place to park. Simple, right? Yeah, no. Apparently when there’s snow on the ground, especially in a parking lot, people forget where the parking lines are supposed to be. Yup, I guess the lime green Volkswagen Beetle thinks it’s an 18-wheeler and parked in about 3 spaces. No joke, at one point I think the car was parked horizontally. I won’t lie and say I didn’t say a quick prayer that I would end up passing this car hours later and see it all ablaze and in a ditch on the side of the highway. Fingers crossed.
So in the end I found a place to park, called a cab to pick me up from my parking space, and even breezed by the freakshow ringing the bell and asking for spare change. Who carries around “spare change” anymore? Is this 1989? I didn’t even know they made “change” anymore. Plus we’re in a recession so can you actually spare me some money? I’m not kidding. I’ll take it in 5’s, 10’s, and a few 20’s….if you have it. If you really wanted my money you’d install a credit-card swiper on the side of your bell. And that goes for the homeless too. Get with it and I’ll help you.
Perhaps though, my personal favorite, is sitting home and seeing constant coverage of the snow storm on the news. Oh and by “constant coverage” I really do mean “constant coverage.” I mean if MTV or Bravo somehow started showing this coverage like they did on 9/11 my life would be over. Either way, it is definitely important to interview that person who is heading off to the supermarket to get their last minute food because God forbid they can’t stuff their fat faces with Twinkies (R.I.P) and brownies for a full 24-hrs. They could possibly die from lack from junk food during a snowstorm. And God strike me dead if I’m lying about this, but last night at the Supermarket where everyone was stocking up for “the end of days” one girl in front of me was simply purchasing a gallon of water and the giant-sized purple can of AquaNet. I began to slow-clap at her. I mean, to dream big enough that your time machine will be ready in time to bring you back to 1987 and avoid this storm altogether is truly the forward-thinking that Oprah has been talking about for years.
Ahhhh Mr Snowstorm, you really bring out the best in me. You make me pray negative prayers and think negative thoughts, yet you somehow forced me to remember that both spare change and Idaho are two things that are still in existence. Thank you for reminding me. It’s times like these that really make me yearn for the days of hearing that perfect stranger say to me, “Hot enough for ya?!”