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Dear Mr. Blizzard
Hello my good people. With the current weather I thought we should dig deep into the IBBB archives and bring back the open letter of yesteryear to Mr Snowstorm. In the meantime, follow me on Facebook and lets get through this storm together!
Dear Winter Snowstorm,
Hey there how are you? Yeah, I’m ok thanks for asking. I’m a little aggravated, actually. What is it about your snow that makes people act insane? No really, I’d like to know. Sure there’s some white fluffy stuff, similar to cotton balls, falling from the sky but what is it about that that makes everyone drive like knives, fire, and newborn babies are falling from the sky? I was lucky enough to be driving behind a station wagon with the traditional Brady Bunch wood paneling along the sides (apparently those still exist) and you would have thought this driver completely lost their steering wheel. Perhaps they left it back at the Grand Canyon whilst looking for Bobby and Cindy. I actually was hoping they were drunk and not driving this way because of the weather. This station wagon, that somehow turned itself into a firey runaway train on the highway to hell, was all over the road and kept slamming on their breaks for no apparent reason. Good move. I hear that when there is snow and ice on the ground nothing keeps your car in full control quite like slamming on the breaks. This was especially entertaining because there weren’t any other cars in front of said “runaway train.” On one occasion when I was forced to slam on my breaks and pray to my sweet Jesus not to have me go face first through the windshield, I got close enough to the said station wagon to notice that this car has traveled all the way from Idaho. That explains it. Thanks Idaho, your state is borderline pointless! I’m joking. Of course Idaho is a fictious place dreamed up by Mother Goose where only cartoon potato people exist and are covered in a light film of dirt.
Moving on, I made it to my destination after watching about 10 other cars fishtail all over the highway and just needed to find a place to park. Simple, right? Yeah, no. Apparently when there’s snow on the ground, especially in a parking lot, people forget where the parking lines are supposed to be. Yup, I guess the lime green Volkswagen Beetle thinks it’s an 18-wheeler and parked in about 3 spaces. No joke, at one point I think the car was parked horizontally. I won’t lie and say I didn’t say a quick prayer that I would end up passing this car hours later and see it all ablaze and in a ditch on the side of the highway. Fingers crossed.
So in the end I found a place to park, called a cab to pick me up from my parking space, and even breezed by the freakshow ringing the bell and asking for spare change. Who carries around “spare change” anymore? Is this 1989? I didn’t even know they made “change” anymore. Plus we’re in a recession so can you actually spare me some money? I’m not kidding. I’ll take it in 5’s, 10’s, and a few 20’s….if you have it. If you really wanted my money you’d install a credit-card swiper on the side of your bell. And that goes for the homeless too. Get with it and I’ll help you.
Perhaps though, my personal favorite, is sitting home and seeing constant coverage of the snow storm on the news. Oh and by “constant coverage” I really do mean “constant coverage.” I mean if MTV or Bravo somehow started showing this coverage like they did on 9/11 my life would be over. Either way, it is definitely important to interview that person who is heading off to the supermarket to get their last minute food because God forbid they can’t stuff their fat faces with Twinkies (R.I.P) and brownies for a full 24-hrs. They could possibly die from lack from junk food during a snowstorm. And God strike me dead if I’m lying about this, but last night at the Supermarket where everyone was stocking up for “the end of days” one girl in front of me was simply purchasing a gallon of water and the giant-sized purple can of AquaNet. I began to slow-clap at her. I mean, to dream big enough that your time machine will be ready in time to bring you back to 1987 and avoid this storm altogether is truly the forward-thinking that Oprah has been talking about for years.
Ahhhh Mr Snowstorm, you really bring out the best in me. You make me pray negative prayers and think negative thoughts, yet you somehow forced me to remember that both spare change and Idaho are two things that are still in existence. Thank you for reminding me. It’s times like these that really make me yearn for the days of hearing that perfect stranger say to me, “Hot enough for ya?!”
Luke-Warm Regards,
IBBB
Craptastic Thoughts from IBBB Readers!
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IBBB Said,
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Ole!
-IBBB
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tyler loves my-kuhl Said,
Thanks for the much needed laughs….word to everything you wrote. I have been to the doctor (have pneumonia) twice this week, went for a chest x-ray, and if the very expensive meds I’m on don’t work SOON, I’m headed for a trip to the hospital. I hop into this site several times a day and it never fails to make laugh/smile/cough until I tinkle a little. :°) ….anyway….true story, in my twenties I worked for a True Value Hardware distribution center. I could tell stories for DAYS about grown men who were business owners (you had to own a store to “shop” there) who had fist fights on the loading dock because someone else got the last snow shovel, bag of ice melt, etc…. I don’t know what it is about snowstorms, but it REALLY does turn people into fuckwads. ……p.s…..Water and Aqua Net, huh??? Love it!!!!
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Ally Said,
For the first time I felt proud to be living in Texas where 95F in the shade is cold. I heard one winter it hit 88F but alas that’s a fable of course. I’ll envy again in 5 months when we are sitting at a cool 150F
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T*ts on a Stick Said,
Thanks for the laughs, Patrick! Hope you stay warm.
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Darling Nikki Said,
Im glad that Im in So-Cal and that a “winter storm” consists of thunder, pouring rain, and/or hail. All within 50-60 degrees at best.
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High, yaw both high! Said,
Hey ho, I am watching said blizzard coverage on channel 5, and Heather Unrhu just said thundersnow… okay new drinking game, everytime one of the news people says it we all take a drink…
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Not Goggles Said,
After getting dumped this week and being super depressed, this is just what I needed! Thanks for the laughs
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your left ovary Said,
Who is Luke and just how warm is he?
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Mike's Peg Leg Said,
Not Goggles. Hang in there. Only time can heal a broken heart.
On another note – LOL to the wood paneled station wagon. I kind of want one of those…
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Odette Said,
The whole spare change/credit card swipe paragraph had me dying. Seriously, quarters are for laundry, and all other change is obsolete.
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Pirate Mike, stepdad extraordinaire Said,
No!! Who the hell would leave Not Goggles?? I know. It’s those GD saucy, new, Sally Jesse Rapahel red goggles on your sissy that made ‘im stray.
Send him to the Snowpocolypse where he can ride hookey-bobbing style behind the Brady Wagon.
Hang in there, kiddo.
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coreys quivering bottom lip Said,
Patrick just curious, what were you buying at the market?I like to know details when I hear/read awesome stories…
Not goggles, no worries about yaw boooyfriend (can’t type barb voice) you have us!Loved the credit card machine on the belt!
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Tiff Said,
LMAO! You sound just like me when it starts a snowin here in Iowa! I will bitch til I’m blue in the face about dumb drivers. The worse is DEF the parking lot situation. As I always say, ‘oh look it’s snowing, time to see all the parking lot lines MAGICALLY disappear…’ UGH!
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Janelle's Ugly Toes Said,
It’s so true…all the morons at the supermarket…how much bread and milk do you need? Remember we have snow plows that actually clean the roads off so you can leave your house usually the next day? The only thing I would rush and wait on line for is perhaps Twizzlers…for watching Teen Mom.
Not Goggles….my grand ma said men are like buses another one will come along in 20 mins……hang in it will work out ok! I hear Keiffer is available ..ewwwwwwwwww…sorry.
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火车列车时刻表 Said,
分析的很透彻，很欣赏你的看法，学习了。
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tyler loves my-kuhl Said,
Damn!!! Is Uncle Patrick missing in action again?!? SO much to gab about….love, LOVE, LOVED “Dr. Drew” finally saying what he has been thinking for years!!! Tipped!!!
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tyler loves my-kuhl Said,
Oh…for fucks sake….YIPPEE!!!….NOT tipped…..sheesh….
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ThisShitIsGettingSadNow Said,
Patrick you’re hurting me =(
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Chelsea's Head That Looks Like A Meringue Said,
Tyler Loves My-Kuhl – your auto-correct makes me laugh every week. Please don’t ever change it!!
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tyler loves my-kuhl Said,
@Chelsea’ s head (fab name btw!!!) : I wouldn’t know how to take it off if I wanted to! You might like this: on one of my words with friends games, it usually takes me awhile to play my turns. But being sick, I was lying around with nothing better to do. My one wwf friend said, “HEY, what’s up with you??? You played in two minutes!” Well, long story short ( too late right?) a sentence about “anti-biotics” doing what they should and make feel better….became “Robotics” making me feel better….And well, a dirty sentence about pneumonia meds was born.
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ang Said,
hahahah hilarious..im on long island. and everything you said was spot on..and the constant coverage…soo annoying..yes we know its snowing, you don’t have to send a news team to every town on the east coast to let us know
