So I’m back after my recent travels and time off. I may have missed part of the episode last week, but it appears that none of these girls gave their toddlers up for adoption yet so, well, we’re still in business. Let’s see what Braces, Chin, Bricks, and Roots are up to this week!
Leah - Hey y’all it’s time to drop my kids off in the middle of a parking lot to their daddy because boyfriend and I are heading to a cabin in the woods so we can most likely have unprotected sex and/or get our throats slashed by a man with a knife who lives in the forest, y’all!” Phew that was a mouthful (that’s what she said). I’m surprised with all the “swapping of kids” in unmarked vehicles that take place in the parking lot, cops aren’t there thinking that Leah is selling twins on the black market. I’m sure “the twins” are hoping they’re getting sold to someone without so many long extensions that are most likely getting dunked in the toilet every time Leah goes #1 or #2, y’all! And don’t even get me going on #3 (time of the month). Ole! After the drop off, Leah and Jeremy head into the woods to they can basically film porn with an MTV camera crew (backup plan). They tour the house and since Jeremy has about two more grades completed than Corey he opens the bedroom door, sees the bed, and says, “I bet this is where we’ll sleep.” Well, Jeremy, you just shout ‘em out when you know ‘em! Next thing you know Leah is going to unpack so they can later go into the hot tub. Mmm clean. I guess that’s the best way to prevent pregnancy. I have no idea. Anyway, once Leah leaves the room Jeremy takes out a ring from his duffel bag and hides it in a vase on the fireplace like it’s Mr Brady’s plans. The only thing that would make this more exiting for me is if a cartoon bear entered the cabin, put his paw in the vase, and then proposed to the tin trash barrel in the kitchen.
Well we don’t have to wait to long because it’s already the “next morning” and Jeremy is up making a healthy American breakfast which consists of thick pancakes (almost as thick as Leah’s bangs) and about 2 pounds of bacon fried in what I can only assume is Chelsea’s self-tanner mixed with a liter of Curve. However, with this breakfast comes a major surprise. That’s right. A marriage proposal. He legit wakes Leah up and hands her a tray of food and she says, “Did you make me breakfast?” No bricks, he wants you to hold this tray of food so the bear downstairs and come up here and maul you to death. As a sidenote, I have a feeling that Chelsea has been malled to death before. Same/different. Anyoddlydarkthickeyebrows, Leah opens the card that came with the flowers and in girly-almost-bubble-letters it says, “Will you marry me.” Is she even awake yet, really? She just kind of shyly answers yes, then says “thank you” and then asks him if he wants to eat. I was fighting back tears the whole time…but only because I officially had my head in the oven and it was getting hot! I feel like italics really brought that point to life. Before Leah can even pick out pieces of pancake from her mouth-of-metal they’re already talking about having kids. I think that’s a great idea. I hope the geneticist has one of those “frequent visit” cards where after your tenth visit you get a free DNA scan or something. I don’t know, I’m not a doctor…I don’t know how everything medical works. Also, Jeremy and Leah both have alcoholic fingers. Think about it. You totally know what I mean.
I love how when Leah calls her mom to tell her she’s engaged for the 11th time by the time she was 20, her mom is just like “Cool. Deuces.” I’m sure she was too busy giving Uncle Kracker a handy in the trailer, but still. She could have pretended she was happy. Kind of like how she pretends that her husband isn’t really her brother. You know, kinda like that. Eh, at least she’s in a happy relationship and I’m just here blogging about talking garbage cans.
Later it was time to bath those darn babies in the tub. It’s quite the upgrade from washing them in what I could only assume to have been an old rust paint bucket that was also used to catch “grease drippings” from the old town community grill. I mean, I think she legit used to use a toilet scrubber to scrape the poverty off the one with the swim goggles. Either way, scrub-a-dub-dub there’s bad decisions (but wonderful blessings) in the tub! Leah is making sure to chat with the girls about Jeremy being their new and improved daddy. She was basically like, “He’ll never be your real daddy because he ain’t none no beaver that builds dams and junk, y’all!” and the girls seem to understand what in the holy hell she’s talking about. I can’t wait to see the latest Us Weekly with one of those chicks giving the side-eye to the rest of Western society. Truth be told, they’re probably doing better than me so, therefore, I raise my glass to the young’ins with one hand and then smash said glass on my ding-dong until I pray for absolute sweet release. Goodbye cruel world! I jest. Purples goggles rule.
Anyway, next thing you know Leah is getting her (puke) feet scrubbed (burp) and you can hear the (vomit) scrubbing during the entire staged conversation with her friend. I love how her friend is totally committing to that “square hair” style that “the kids” seem to be really taking to these days. It’s like get a combover and then spritz it with AquaNet and then just “have at it” with the world. Leah’s braces are really popping on camera during this scene for me so, naturally, I feel blessed. I’m also hypnotized by her bangs. Did she let one of the girls use the left-handed Crayola scissors and just try to cut Origami into her forehead? It’s like half spiked bangs and then the other half is entirely missing. But let’s get back to brass tax and brass tacks (I never know which one) because Leah is letting the scripted beans spill by letting her pal know that she took out her IUD, IED, GED, OPP, and PYT because Jeremy might want to make some mistakes with her just like Corey did. In fact, Leah is feeling a little queasy so she…you guessed it…might be knocked to the up. She thinks she needs a pregnancy test but I’m pretty sure if she takes down her pants and dips her “gentlemen greeter” into that pedicure water and then throws herself at the wall she’ll get her answer. Obviously if her vagiola sticks to the wall she’s pregnant. Everyone knows that. Oh, also, if she does in fact stick to the wall it also means we’ll have two Leap Years this year. So it’s really a win-win for everyone involved. Her friend is shocked by Leah’s constant dumb choices and voices her concern. I mean, she may have been reciting the Gettysburg Address for all I know. I was in a trance just looking at her hair…that is actually square. She’s the Peppermint Patty of our generation.
In the end, Leah heads home and takes a pregnancy test that is conveniently stashed away in the top shelf of her bathroom. Spoiler Alert: She’s knocked up. She immediately tells “the twins” that she is with child. That’s a good idea. I’m sure nothing can go wrong since you’re about 37 seconds pregnant. At least one of the girls screamed “no!” when Leah asked them if they wanted another sister or brother. I mean, I think she actually said, “another sissy or boobie.” I need a white-trash-to-english dictionary on my laptop/Apple IIc.
Jenelle - Seriously it’s like trying to memorize all the characters in a classic game of “Guess Who?” to try and keep track of Jenelle’s roommates, friends, and enemies (and eventually possible baby daddies…we’ll get to that in a few sentences). Big J already has a new roommate after she kicked out her old roommate of 2 days for quite possibly wearing her hoodie. Truth be told, I’m dumber for trying to even figure it out. So in order to take her mind off of her current disaster, she and a few friends get permission from Sheriff Barb to take Ja¢e to the museum for the day. That’s nice. Oh also, it gets real creepy real quick. This is due to the fact that Jenelle’s two friends perform a puppet show for Ja¢e that somehow turns Lambchop’s bastard-out-of-wedlock sock puppet swearing up a storm and reenacting the fight between Jenelle and her old roommate. Ja¢e looks like he has no idea what’s going on and Jenelle kinda looks like she’s watching her own episode of Teen Mom. I was waiting for a yellow-sweat-stained-sock-with-bathroom-floor-pubes to show up during the puppet show, of course, playing the role of Keiffah. The grass stains would clearly be there to represent the grassy knoll in which he lived. It’s all about symbolism here at Camp IBBB. Seriously, the puppet show was creepy…almost as creepy as that episode of Different Strokes where that random guy made Dudley and Arnold watch dirty cartoons with their shirts off. No joke, what was that episode all about?? When I was little it forced me to never play “shirts vs skins” whilst at basketball camp. However, Father T really thought it would help us win, so we disrobed. Where was I?
Moments later Jenelle’s time-machine is finally completed and she gets a call from her ex-boyfriend and “father” of Ja¢e, Andrew. He leaves her a message in which he says he hasn’t talked to her in about 2 yeas, but still loves her and wants to see Ja¢e. He also ends it with “God bless you” so know totally know he’s a recovering alcho. Good for him. I guess. Obviously Andrew is in our lives right now because Jenelle feels that she needs to really hit white-trash-rock-bottom and plow through the level of trash she’s already hit. Therefore it’s time for her to come clean to her friend that Andrew may not be the daddy-o of Ja¢e. That $ucks. Evidently back in the day Jenelle and Andrew got into a “physical fight” and so she left and slept over Tori’s boyfriend’s house and accidentally got drunk and “tripped on d*ck” So, welp, that random dude might be the father. Jenelle never told anyone this because (A) it’s probably not true and she just needed a storyline outside of jail time or (B) she felt whore-like. This is all very Maury-like, which is nice. My only wish is that Sally Jesse Raphael was still on the air because you totally know that Jenelle would have been sent to “Teen Bootcamp.” No joke, those were my favorite episodes. Go figure. The bad teens would just yell in Sally’s face “You don’t know me! You don’t know me!” Oh but we do!
Later Jenelle ends up going to lunch with Barb so she can let her know about Andrew calling and the possible future DNA testing. I legit laughed out loud (or LOL’d like the kids say) when she told Barb about banging some other dude and then not telling anyone because she felt really “slutty” afterwards and Barb just goes, “Yeah well it happens.” Ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it. Clearly Barb speaks from experience…that wily little minx. Barb is actually proud of Jenelle for deciding to face this crossroads in her life and getting a DNA test to find out who the baby daddy is. She seems calm, but you know she’s thinking, “Why can’t we just God-damn go to the friggin’ mall like every other mother/daughter?” I don’t blame her. Also, I blame her. Couldn’t they just figure out if Andrew is the father of Ja¢e by giving Ja¢e a beer and see if he drinks it? I mean that’s how they used to do it back in olden-times, I believe.
It’s time for Jenelle to call Andrew back and talk to him about possibly not being the father of Ja¢e. I would feel really bad if he’s not the father since he’s spent so much time and money on him. Oh wait. So the call with Andrew was pretty comical. These two have the emotional development of about a 10 year old. He’s like, “So I live in Florida now and so…” And Jenelle says, “Yeah so I have my own place now.” Wow you guys are up to a lot! Suddenly Andrew is saying that he wants to see Ja¢e again and then literally asks if he’s 3 years old now. Jenelle responds that he’s 2. She should have been like, “Ja¢e is a girl and is 14 now, you’ve missed a lot.” I should write for this show. Jenelle finally lets Andrew know that he might not be that dad, so in the words of one Ms. Nene Leakes, “We gon take a DNA. That’s what we gon do!” Rumor has it that during this scene if you remained perfectly quiet and still you could hear a chant of “Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!” in the background. The good news is that Jenelle tells Andrew that he has a 50/50 chance of being the dad. Isn’t that like having a 50% chance of rain? It’s like it’s either going to rain or it isn’t. Eh, I think my beer idea is going to be more accurate.
Kail - Not a hell of a lot is going on with Kail in this episode. Although her hair seems to be getting longer so that’s good news. It’s almost like the longer her hair gets the more her chin disappears. I’m sure there’s a connection there somewhere, but that’s for a geneticist to figure out and not me. I am just a simpleton and not “of the world.” Anychins, Kail has a big date with that dude Javi and they’re going to the diner, which is super romantic. Nothing like having to run from the table to take an emergency Shasta McNasty due to diner-food. Hot. And the way the farts really rip on the plastic booth seat really classes things up a bit. I tend to turn away when Kail is eating so I’m not really sure what happens during this scene. However, at one point I heard Kail say to Javi, “So you know I have, like, a child right?” Uh yeah. Hopefully he pieced all that together from the camera crew and this little old show you’re on actually called “Teen Mom.” The date conversation is standard and all too familiar. It was awkward and everyone just talked about their random career goals and the like. Yawn. I’m sleepy-pants from all this talk.
Even though the date went well, Kail tells her friend she isn’t sure if she wants a relationship with Javi since she doesn’t want to keep parading new dads in front of Issac on the regular. I think she’s trying to convince herself she isn’t Suzi, which is sad to me because I really want her to be just like Suzi, including the hairstyle. I’m looking for full Suzi in the near future. Oh, and since nothing else is really going on in this episode for Kail we’re forced to tag along for Issac’s first haircut. Riveting. They take him to a place that looks like the movie Barbershop, which I’ve never seen but did watch the commercial for it before so I’m pretty sure I know what the entire movie is about. Is Janet in the backroom of the barbershop throwing dice against the wall? Hopefully, but one never will really know. I would like to will that image to life….starting NOW! Anyway, Issac gets his haircut and looks as bored by all of this as I am. Although didn’t he already have his haircut in the very first scene and then he is back to long hair before the haircut? I’m looking for a white flag to wave, stat.
In the end, Javi goes with Kail to meet Issac for the very first time. They go to a place call Rascals which is like an indoor dirtier carnival where they give out the norovirus for free. For real, after watching that scene I got up and washed my hands. Even though they had “fun” Kail tells Javi that she is going to start out as friends because she doesn’t want to mess with Issac since he’s her best friend. Javi says he’s cool with it and claims that Kail is going to be his best friend. Awesome. I hope Kail throws away her wood-chipper because I’m pretty sure Javi is going to stuff her in there. Hair everywhere!