No more sleeps! I have never been more supportive of unprotected sex than with these girls. If Jenelle’s boyfriend at the time had sported a dick jacket, let’s face it, none of us would be here right now and (burp) we would have never met and fell in love with one Ms. Barbara Evans. So, kids, I say it’s ok to not protect yourself if you feel like you could make a really good audition tape and you have a bat sh*t crazy parent. God is love, Rev Run. Oh, and click here to join me on my own Facebook page. AND…be sure to click on the “Recommend” button so this recap gets shared a ton of Facebook. God bless. Anyway, let’s catch up on what Jenelle (that lil b*tch of a daughtah), Kail, Leah, and possibly even Bricks McBronzer is up to this time around….
Jenelle – When’s the last time this show was on? I feel like it’s been forever. I barely remembered that Jenelle caught a bad case of “the bipolar.” Like half the other teen moms that MTV pays on the regular, Jenelle is fresh out of “the ‘hab” and is doing swimmingly. I use the term “swimmingly” because I really want to raise the bar this season and let you know I know upwards of 200 different words. Some are part of the English language and others are part of the Canadian language. It’s a thing. Anyweeeed, Jenelle seems to be in good spirits within the first few minutes of the episode. This may be because she’s lugging around a giant ziplock bag filled with elephant-sized pill bottles. It looks like enough meds to stop a charging rhino and/or enough meds to relax Barb’s spikes. We’ll get there in a second.
Ok we’re there. Barb is looking easy, breezy, barbiful this season. Her spikes are matted down, she’s wearing eye-glasses on her face and sun-glasses in her hair. To sum up, she’s gone Hollywood…as she should. Wynonna and Naomi are minutes into their scene and not one punch was thrown. Truth be told I’m a little disappointed. It could be because Jenelle is naturally high/high (yaw both high) since she passed her first drug test. However she was a little freaked out that the parole officer was watching her pee during the test. Barb put her mind at ease by letting Jenelle know that’s completely normal because they need to make sure Jenelle doesn’t unleash a bag of someone elses piss into the cup. I mean, Barb barely blinked with that explanation. Like this is second nature to her. She answered like Jenelle asked if it’s normal to drain the blueberries before putting them into the muffin batter. I only wish Barb would have expanded with something like, “Gawd damn it Jenelle, I used to have ta take pisses for my ex-boyfriend, Pirate Mike, when his parole officah came for a surprise visit. Hell sometimes we even had the parrot piss into the bottle.” These are things I imagine. These are also reasons why someone needs to slap a 5150 on me stat. I should not be able to make my own decisions or control my money because I’m a hazard to myself (and, most likely, others). Oh, plus Barb is sporting a new navy blue (happy Veterans Day) t-shirt which makes me think someone hit their “ham slicing bonus” that I assume Walmart initiates during the holidays. Just me? Moving on.
In typical Ye Old Teenage Mother fashion, Jenelle isn’t happy with her $50K per episode so she’s out looking for a minimum wage paying job. I was interested in where Jenelle would want to work. I figured a restaurant or perhaps one of those places where you stand on a stage and show your vagina to horny patrons, you know, for money. Typically $1 dollar bills and, in some places, quarters (lower income neighborhoods). You know the place. Anyway, suddenly I thought I was high/high when Jenelle rolls Jace into her job interview which is…at a daycare. Isn’t that kinda sorta like Gary interviewing at Weight Watchers? I don’t judge. No wait, I do. Sometimes I forgot what kind of personal stands I take. The interview was as amazing as you thought it would be. When the dead-behind-the-eyes worker asked Jenelle what her strengths were she informed them (and all of The America) that she’s very organized and loves working with children. She also lets them know that she is great at keeping her temper and she never yells. Ever. If this show was on the Disney Channel, Jenelle’s nose would have immediately grown 4 feet and a cartoon bird would have landed on it. I mean, she would have then tried to smoke the bird, but still. To rephrase, Jenelle is a wicked Pinocchio. And what’s this junk about her loving to do arts-and-crafts with kids? I’m sure if you look up her legal records it will say something like, “She did so many art-and-crafts with Jace that she lost custody of him.” You may not understand that legal mumbo-jumbo, but I’m pretty smart so I get it. As a parent in that God-for-saken community, what do you do when on Monday you drop your kid off at daycare and Jenelle greets you? You might as well kiss your brat goodbye because it’s likely Jenelle will hollow-out the kid and use them as a drug mule.
Later, Jenelle and her cracked out friend (duuuuude how was rehab?) take Jace to the beach and then back home. It’s here where we get a little glimpse into possible future fights between Jenelle and Barb-o-Matic. Barb is all frazzled because she wants Jenelle to rinse the sand off of Jace and Jenelle thinks she can do it herself and blah. All I know is that Barb starts spitting and spewing, “Make shaw the wataaah is waaahm enough faw him, Jenelle.” Even being from Boston, I was like WTF did this goon just say? I guess I’m a little rusty with my Barb-to-English translations. After the “bath” Jace is running around the house naked like he’s Pirate Mike after a 6 pack of Zima and a prayer for sweet release from the earth. Jenelle is too busy “cleaning” to put a diaper on him and Barb is yelling, “he pees on the rugs, that’s what he does for God sakes. He likes to see himself pee on the rug!” I mean well well sh*t, who doesn’t like to do that? That’s half the reason why I enjoy going to the movies, for the rug-peeing alone!
In the end, Jenelle gets all pissed off at Barb for, you know, talking and junk so she and her cracked-out friend leave to blow off some steam. And it went as bad as you could have thought. Apparently her friend was smoking weed in front of Jenelle and she accidentally fell and took “3 hits of the weed” and will now probably fail her next drug test and get thrown in the slammer (hopefully cellmates with Amber). Can’t she just move to Colorado and be free from all this “go to jail for weed” business? Let’s face it, we’d all love to see Barb high as well. She used to be a “paaaahty girl” after all.
Leah – Hey y’all Leah is back, y’all and I’m pretty sure she burnt her scalp with all that hair-dying! For real it’s so blonde it looks like it hurts and barely moves. She’s like white trash version of Callista Gingrich. What? I know some stuff. Leah has quit working for the dentist one day per week because it just was too much for her to handle especially with the pending divorce, ya’ll. Plus, dying your hair that blonde must take a least 5 hours per day of upkeep. Is it “dying” or “dyeing.” I’m too tired to figure it out. Leah is catching us all up on her life by sitting in her filthy kitchen and talking to her sister who’s still committing to that face piercing that only people who like Avril Lavigne videos would sport. My favorite part of the kitchen, besides the outdoor garbage barrel that’s indoors was the “hutch” filled with “China.” I wasn’t aware that Dixie was considered China, but why the hell not.
In case you forgot, Leah is still working on pronouncing “law-yah” correctly and apparently her “law-yah” is stating that Corey didn’t know about any of the doctor appointments that one of the twins had. Seriously, who cares? What help is he going to be? Maybe if the geneticist comes out and says, “if only she had a camo trucker hat, she’d be cured” then Corey can be of use. Until then, he needs to get back to his life of chopping down mighty sequoias with his two front teeth. Regardless and irregardless all at the same time, Leah is upset y’all because she didn’t marry Corey for 6 months just for them to have a “hi/bye” relationship. Although I’m pretty sure she called it a “hai/bai” relationship. Seriously, MTV, turn on the sub-titles.
Later, the physical therapist stops by the trailer so she can show off her butch haircut and see how the legs are developing on the baby. She actually says, “I like your house.” Even the one with the glasses gave her the side-eye. Had she been a little older I’m sure she could have shouted back, “B*tch we live in squalor.” This trailer is one more Christmas season away from being featured on a future episode of Hoarders. And are there no stairs to the trailer? What do you do just open the door and jump out? Tuck-and-roll, Alilaquisha! Meanwhile, Corey and Leah text each other because (a) they’re filming a reality show and (b) need to talk about the doctor appointment. No offense, I hope the baby is alright but are we going to have to deal with depressing doctors all season long? I’m missing Real Housewives of Beverly Hills for this. Leah ends up crying over Corey’s text. I wasn’t sure if those were tears of happiness because Corey actually figured out how to text or if it was because he blames her for the divorce. It’s a real toss up. Leah does a traditional ugly cry and spouts out something about her losing 50 pounds and not being able to sleep? I never realized the crunchy curls weighed so much. Eh, the More You Know.
Leah brings the girls to meet up with Corey, his dad, and his step mom Josetta (best. name. ever.) at the hospital for the big doctor appointment. Where the hell was Leah’s mother and her mole of a husband? I miss those crazy bastards. The hip x-ray went really well and they think the baby is completely fine and will eventually walk one day. I hope that’s true. I hope that she can walk out of that trailer one day and, literally, keep walking. Like, get the F out of Dodge if you know what I mean. The bad news is that Corey doesn’t want to go to marriage counseling, probably because he knows that Leah is bat sh*t crazy and will double down in her double-wide with the milk man the next chance she gets. They both bring up good points, but no one will talk about cleaning that dirty, filthy trailer. At least throw Orbits into it and see what happens. Dirty Trailer? Clean it up!
Kail – I’m sorry, this is pretty much your 3rd season of being on a highly rated television show. Please take a moment to wash your face. I can’t imagine the ring-around-the-tub that Kail must leave on the regular. This time around we learn that the teachers at Issac’s daycare pretty much think that he’s about as bricks as Chelsea and has about as much personality as Joe. Apparently these teachers won’t really tell Kail what she should be doing to get Issac out of his shell, but I think that since she’s like the chinless Cowardly Lion and her son is apparently the Scarecrow, they pretty much need to follow the yellow brick(s) road to Oz and ask for some new junk for themselves. You’re welcome.
Kail is still missing Jordan, but since she still has feelings for Joe she doesn’t want to string Jordan back into her life just because he helps her with stuff and scares midgets and the like. She’s all about Joe these days especially since his “music video” is now “online.” Gulp. He has a new “rap” and Kail is suffering from a case of sweaty box and insecurity all at the same time since the beautiful lass in the video may be knocking Timberlands with Joe and his pre-pubescent mustache. Truth be told Janet can grow a better ’stache than Joe. Either way, God gives us a little lump of gold because we get to experience a few seconds of this video. It’s as wondrous as one could image because as he “raps” he’s “making eyes” at this random chick in the supermarket and then is instantly laying in bed with her….pretty much whilst Janet is in the background doing the snake and showing early signs of Gangnam Style. I jest, Janet is not in this video as I’m sure she’s working the camera and dressed like Mo’Nique in Precious.
I enjoy how none of Kail’s friends are white. Not that it’s a big deal but it increases the chances that she uses words that aren’t overly white. For example, when talking with her friend about the “girl in the video” who may be dating Joe’s mustache in real life she claims, “his girl looks like a hood-rat.” She should have finished it with, “but I don’t want to scrubs, a scrub is a guy that can’t get no love from me, hanging out the passenger side of his best friends ride trying to holler at me. “ It just seemed fitting. Evidently Kail pulled the “gotcha gotcha” on Joe and surprised visit him whilst he was watching Issac and “the video girl” was upstairs in Joe’s bed whilst Issac roamed around the house looking for food at 11am. She ended up just taking Issac home at that point because she is a jealous lion who shows early symptoms of turning into skittish Suzi.
I enjoy how Kail fully admits to being jealous and basically crazy. At least she owns it. She has Joe come over to discuss this situation that was never filmed (nice job MTV) and Joe claims that it was a bad idea that they did the sex to each other on a few separate occasions. This causes Kail to tear up more than when she did during the birthing process. I think she’s realizing that she has no more quarters for mustache rides. As a sidenote, if they plan on not showing Janet in any of these episode I plan on a traditional letter writing campaign.
Chelsea – This bricks again. Since the last time we’ve seen Chelsea she has even bigger hair and it’s now stuffed with feathers (just like her mom’s hairdo). She looked like a frigging Native American greeting me at the parking lot at Foxwoods. Some things never change with Chelsea, as she is still working on that pesky GED. She’s passed one portion of her test, but have about 3,000 more to go. So in the meantime she’s going to try and land a job as a receptionist at a hair salon since that’s the direction her career will eventually go after she’s done filming this show and signing up for Section 8 Housing & Foreclosure. Overall she’s not sure if she and Adam are really back together when people ask her…which totally means they are and she doesn’t feel like listening to their criticism. Either way, she’s heading out to lunch with Adam and their daughter, but things don’t go so well since Aubrey won’t sit in her highchair. She keeps screaming like they’re trying to put her in a pot of boiling water…which…just saying…may stop the crying. I don’t know, it works with lobsters. Anyway, Adam is sporting Brett Michaels bandana and I totally support that especially if it means he’ll be walking into something and getting knocked out. I jest, stay safe. Since no one can control Aubrey they ended up leaving their lunch before ordering and getting take out (which I’m pretty sure was an old McDonald’s) and taking it home so Aubrey could scream her head off in the privacy of their own home. I mean, I guess that’s what happened because I muted it until it looked like she was done screaming. Shhhhh! Indoor voice.
As they eat their disgusting food that gave me the Shasta McNasty’s just by looking at it, Chelsea wants to know “what we are.” I spent the next 5 minutes shouting out things like, “ungrateful” and “loser couple” at the television like I was on an episode of $25,000 Pyramid. Things that a girl with low self-esteem would say. Adam seems to think they’re fine doing just exactly what they’re doing and taking things one day at a time. That’s code for “I haven’t banged anyone else today, but most likely will tomorrow and definitely did last Wednesday.” I don’t know why Chelsea keeps wasting time with Adam when I’m sure Randy would like a chance to wine and dine her. She should give that a try. I mean, she could at least get a spin-off on TLC which, of course, I would watch.
Well folks, that wraps up crapisode 1 of Teen Mom. If you liked it, be sure to click on the “Recommend” button so that this recap can get shared with your d-bag friends on Facebook (and help me sell out). Speaking of which, be sure to join me on my own Facebook page by clicking here!