Honey Boo Boo Hits the Oregon Trail

~ It’s time for the adventure we’ve all been waiting for.  That’s right, it’s time for Honey Boo Boo and crew to take a trip on the Oregon Trail!  Whilst we love them, I’m sure you’re all interested in how these characters will meet their demise.  So follow along with Mama June, Honey Boo Boo, Sugar Bear, Pumpkin and Glitzy as we navigate the tough trail and, of course, narrated by me (IBBB).  Let’s go!

~  The trip is going halfway decent.  We almost immediately need to cross the river.  At first I wanted to caulk the wagon since the water level was pretty low, but as soon as I said “caulk” the wagon Sugar Bear began to thrust to and fro and, well, no one needs Mama in heat on the water so we just took the ferry.  What was once an immaculate river, is now littered with Go-Go Juice bottles.  Plus, some animal dropped a deuce in the water as well.  That animal, of course, was Pumpkin.  Glizty is well mannered.

~  Ugh, this is what happens when we let Sugar Bear lead the way.  I’m pretty sure he was asleep behind the oxen.  I knew we should have been the “Banker from Boston” instead of the “Farmer from Georgia.”

~  Welp.  It was only a matter of time.  Similar to Time for Timer, we broke a wagon wheel.  I told Mama bringing her 1-year supply of Cheese Balls may be too much weight for this wagon to handle, but she said, “If Sugar Bear’s legs don’t break, this wagon won’t either.”  She then gave a kiss to the camera that wasn’t there. Luckily, Mama will be using her forklift foot to repair the wheel.  I think the gnats saw their shadow.  And that’s how the whole “6 more week of winter” began.  The groundhogs stole it and made it their own kinda like we did to the Indians.  Plan for multi-billion dollar gnat casinos in the future.

~  To no surprise we’re outta food.  I was just shocked we didn’t go through the 1000 pounds of food I bought on the first day.   Sugar Bear escaped into the woods with his gun and is likely to shoot us a deer.  It’s also likely he’ll dip it in brass and give it to Mama as a present.  We’ll use it to decorate the wagon as it’s not looking as tacky as we would all like.  P.S., Glitzy is starting to look good.  Sexy, even.

~ Well son-of-a-b*tch.  How the hell did this happen?  I told Pumpkin French-kissing a wild animal had its drawbacks.  Why do you think Chickadee ain’t on this trip?  Sidenote, the weather is cool and our health is “very poor.”  As are we.  As. Are. We.

~ Sugar Bear just can’t keep his hands off that beautimous pig.  Or glitzy.  Looks like typhoid may have been our first sexually transmitted disease back in the 1840’s.  Bet you your Social Studies book never taught you THAT!  The More You Know.

~  Insert obligatory “cowbell” joke here: _______________.

~  I’m not saying he did it, but what I am saying is that Uncle Poodle showed up one minute and then the next minute Alana’s pageant dress went missing.  Now, no one in this wagon has beyond a 3rd grade education, so you do the math.

~  The nights are long and the days are so sad and I can’t stop thinking about the love that we had.  Anyway, to spice things up Mama June began the country’s very first couponing system.  I know, had she known we had a gun and she was chatting with Indian’s she could have most likely saved her coupons for another day.  Rumor has it on that faithful night you could hear the Indian’s whispering something about couponing being like their crack rock.  None of us knows what that means, but glow sticks were involved.

~  3 plates of sketti later and someone caught a case of the cholera.  Mama told us not to worry because she packed 12 bottles of Tide and that always gets stains out of the cholera.  She’s a wicked pioneer and junk.

~  Uncle Poodle’s back!

~ It’s no coincidence that we’re out of food, Glitzy died, and Pumpkin found a knife.  All I’m saying is that waking up in the wagon to the smells of bacon and grease isn’t the worse thing.  I mean, the bacon smell is from Pumpkin tootin’ and by “grease” I’m referring to Uncle Poodle singing the soundtrack.  Glitzy is dead from typhoid.  We’ll bronze him, not eat him.

~ As karma would have it, shortly after Glitzy died, Pumpkin passed on in a tragic accident that is forever known as “The Great Shopping Cart Incident of 1848.”  What is seldom discussed is that this shopping cart incident became what is today known as The Underground Railroad.

~  Who knew there was organized baseball way back then.  Those Indian’s sure are nice.   They found all of our favorite foods.  Little did we know, but the Honey Boo Boo family was the originator of the very first food pyramid.  There were only minor alterations made to it years later.

~  From either typhoid or sexin’ June, at least he went out happy.  We shall bury him in a beautiful ceremony with his dip.  We jest, we’re way behind so we’re going to just throw is body over the side of the wagon and continue on.

~  At least she finally won Supreme.

~  Towards the end there was no one left but Mama.  She became quite tired, which was odd because she was usually such a ball of energy and life.  Little did we know this was the beginning of the end.

~  What started off as a couple of hundred sneezes in a row, turned into a classic case of dysentery.    It was sad she left this world with 9 pounds of food left in the wagon.  You know what, I will press SPACE BAR to continue.

Well folks, this is what happens when you are “sans life” and have a few extra minutes on your hands.  Join me on my personal Oregon Trail by clicking here to follow me on my Facebook page. Perhaps you’ll get typhoid.  Fingers crossed.