I think we can all agree that this show didn’t just jump the shark, it did sex with the shark and left it for dead. I’m kidding. It clearly also dragged its dead corpse through seaside until it found a tanning salon that could spray tan it orange…and then it left it for dead. I think it’s nice that MTV finally gave us a break and made this crapisode one hour vs its recent standard 2 hours. 2 hours of Jersey Shore? No thanks. That’s as pointless as spending any more than 10 minutes studying for your finals. Obviously the answer is “C” 98% of the time. Also, I graduated college in 10 quick years. Moving on. There isn’t really much to chat about in this episode. I know, I was shocked too. I mean, we did get watch Yawnie talk into that camera during his one-on-one interview and try his damndest to stay relevant and come up with one-liners. Per usual he points both arms up towards the camera (to ensure we know he’s talking to us) and says about JWoww that, “She went to b*tch university and graduated with her b*tchachelors degree.” He then sat there looking at the camera man, awkwardly, and then finally let out a little laugh like a 3 year old who was caught farting during coloring time. I hate to say it, but Yawnie is more interesting when he’s giving Sammi an Extreme Home Makeover (to her face) and give her free rides on her bed as he tosses it across the room. I mean, get back on Xenedrine for Pete sake. That seemed to have made him all kinds of 6’s and 7’s.
Other minor things happened like JWoww hurting her ankle after her boyfriend, Roger, tossed her across “da club” like he was a typical Italian meat-head, you know, throwing his girlfriend across “da club.” So same/same. Of course the fight spills out onto the street and the drunken antics continues on. JWoww tried to cover things up by saying to Roger that she wasn’t mad at him for pushing her because he didn’t recognize her. Brilliantly he was like, “yeah, no I knew it was you…don’t get involved in a fight with guys.” This is apparently the main rule of gorilla fighting. But if girls can’t get involved who will be able to scream that their weave was pulled out? It simply seems unjust. The “next day” Snooki goes next door to visit the gang like she was Larry from Three’s Company and ends up taking JWoww to the doctor to see if her ankle was broken. Since this is Jersey even the “doctors” don’t know for real so they send her to a bone specialist. In the meantime they wrapped her foot in the same stuff they sell in aisle 10 at Walgreen’s and gave her some crutches that I’m almost certain were made out of recycled tin Crystal Pepsi cans circa 1989. I have to admit I did laugh out loud, or “LOL” like people who won’t grow up typically say, when Jenni was at “da club” with her crutches, found a wheel chair (that is typical to be standing around unattended) sat in it, and then eventually somehow fell out of it and onto the floor. I was kinda shocked she wasn’t stuck to it for the remainder of the season. I assume it’s like fly paper.
So…the only part to really talk about is VaDeena getting arrested. Sure we yawn when this happens, but the overall process was a little glimpse into the Jersey Shore that we used to love. Dirty meatballs getting hammered during the day and then going directly to jail. They do not collect $200 dollars. I’m joking. They collect about $40,000 dollars for that day. Anyteeth, VaDeena awakes from her slumber and since no one else in the house wants to have a meatball day with her she decides to just walk outside and start drinking, as she should. She never brushed her hair or got changed into her “play clothes” so I’m pretty sure this isn’t going to end well. She immediately starts drinking and taking shots with these randoms sitting at a bar who try to play it cool, but you know are so psyched that someone who no one will remember in 5 more years is sitting there wanting to drink with them. After she unsuccessfully tries to get them to dance with her, she begins to cry. Good news for us, she looks extra pretty when she cries! Of course she doesn’t. She looks like bystander watching a homeless man opening up an expired can of tuna with his teeth and then dabbing a little behind his ears. It’s date night in the shelter after all! Anyway, through the magic of editing, VaDeena goes from zero to 10 in about 5 minutes. She’s falling all over the place, crying over being alone, and then attacking Yawnie for his sunglasses. She chases him around the bar for a good 3 seconds before she just collapses to the ground. They basically revive her and she still has enough energy left in her to just start running. She’ll run anywhere her little uneven-tanned legs will take her. Of course she ends up in the middle of the street and then arrested, but still. Like Forrest Gump she was runnin’. I think we can all admit that we’ve all been that drunk before. You know, that point where you just must simply sprint. Run. Bolt like you’ve just been dropped into the middle of the Boston Marathon and must complete it within 5 more minutes. You’re always looking for the red tape at the finish line, but typically just wake up in your bed the next morning wondering why you’re all bruised up and your hips hurt. After Vadeen dances in the middle of the street to everyone booing her, the 5-0 finally chase her down shouting “miss, miss!” as a sign of respect and then slap the cuffs on her. She genuinely asks if she’s in trouble even as she’s being placed into the back of the police car. Poor bricks. Hopefully this season ends soon.