Live from “gel” it’s Saturday Night! How this wasn’t an SNL skit is beyond me. With all the scissoring that must go on behind bars in exchange for a carton of Misty 120’s I find it surprising that Amber’s Polygamist Sect curly braid was never cut off. Although, I’m sure she’s paying homage to our very own Butch “Snarlin’ Darlin’” Baltierra and, well, that’s good enough for me. So, after all of my letter writing over the year which, if I’m still being accurate, is 239 days…MTV finally sent our best human-like Weeble to catch up with Amber whilst in “gel” and see if she’s a changed person or if she is still likely to kick the fat ass of a loved one down the stairs. I’m sure she’s reserved now as I hear prison is a calming whimsical place. I’m joking, she probably shanks b*tches on the regular and eats Cap’n Crunch out of her toilet. This is the true story of Amber Portwood behind bars today and dancing on top of them tomorrow.
Dr Drewski opens up the show by standing outside of the jail (wimp) while all the inmates are in the background wearing orange jumpsuits. Had I not seen the commercials and knew that Amber was sporting a flattering red Hanes Husky, I would have been pausing my DVR looking for Waldo in the background. Speaking of the Husky, once I saw Amber I immediately was waiting for her to enter the “backroom” to the call of “Hey Kool-Aid” and then she would have, of course, crashed through the brick wall and shouted “Oh Yeah!” with some black Ray Charles sunglasses. Also, none of what I just stated is a normal way for the brain to think and I will immediately hold an intervention on myself so that I will seek therapy. Update: I ran from my intervention. Moving on. Amber is also wearing some form-fitting tan Docker khaki’s that really say, “Sure I’m in jail, but when my sentence is up I can immediately pick up a shift at Blockbuster.” The pants say that through the pee-pee zipper…just in case that wasn’t clear. Sidenote: It took me the full 30 minutes to figure it out, but Ambjikistan also kinda looks like Fergie if, you know, she ever got a case of the “prison fats.”
We learn a lot about Amber through this interview like how Gary and Leah haven’t come to visit her yet and how she’s finally clean and sober and voluntarily taking anger management classes but, let’s face it, all that is one giant Ryan-sized yawn. Sure it was good to see Amber not slurring and not being a giant B, but I was more interested in what jail was like for her. Apparently, she’s in some kind of “therapy jail” which is like a rehab inside the prison walls. She claims she didn’t want to go to that one, but since she’s had her rights taken away they forced her. Kinda like Bertha must force her to braid her gentlemen greeter afro on Sunday mornings. Allegedly. Fine, made up. Oh, and Amber also found herself a job for the next 5 years. She’s cleaning toilets so evidently she’s not entirely away from crack on a daily basis. Hey-oh! She does all this for $0.60 an hour which is slightly less than she was making from filming Teen Mom. Oh wait. And to no surprise Amby-Pants is also studying for her GED on Saturday mornings, probably at the same time Leah is watching cartoons and wondering if someone from Team Oomi Zoomi is her mom. I would imagine that to be the case.
Truth be told, Amber seems to be doing pretty well and actually taking accountability for her past actions. She even states that she was pretty much high every time she spoke with Drew. I think I called that during one of the reunion shows where she hysterically cried for 90 minutes on the couch. Call it a hunch. Since I’m as old as the hills and The Hills, I was confused when she was talking about some drug she was taking that was a plastic patch that you stuck to your body…and sometimes chewed. So, like, one of those Bazooka Joe temporary tattoos? My parents always told me not to lick those because they could be laced with drugs and evidently they were right. You ruin lives, Bazooka Joe! If my memory serves me correctly, I think the drug Amber is talking about is similar to the one that Linda from Intervention used to take right before she would do scissor kicks on her front lawn screaming she was being electrocuted. Pretty much same/same. However, my favorite part was when Slammber was discussing how she was so high she didn’t care about anyone or herself, but she did reference how terrible she looked with her spray tan and eyelashes. I’m not kidding when I say that her calling that out was proof to me she is now clean and sober…and a little boring, but clean and sober nonetheless. I just wish she would have brought up that chick from Destiny’s Child that befriended her this season or my favorite phrase of the previous season: Expensive! Sadly, she did not so I can only hope for a yearly follow-up special over the next 5 years. 5 years. Really? 5 years, for what? Didn’t Lohan kill someone and she was only in “gel” for 34 minutes? Eh, to each their own.
In the end, Amber states that she wants to be a better mom for Leah because she admits she wasn’t a good mom to her at all. It kind of sucks when she admits all this because it makes it more difficult to roast her. Speaking of roast, I read from the drunks over at RadarOnline today that apparently Gary tells Leah that “Mommy is in California making a movie.” He better hope that Ghostbuster’s sequel really does happen in the next 5 years or he’s going to have some explaining to do. I also hope that at least half of what Amber made from Teen Mom is frozen somewhere in a bank account because when she gets out in 5 years she’s going to need to find a hobby…and that hobby is going to require money…and it should kinda center around drugs…and it should be filmed….cuz I’m gonna wanna see it.