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Amber Behind Bars: If Hatchet Face and the Polygamist Sect Had a Prison Baby
Live from “gel” it’s Saturday Night! How this wasn’t an SNL skit is beyond me. With all the scissoring that must go on behind bars in exchange for a carton of Misty 120’s I find it surprising that Amber’s Polygamist Sect curly braid was never cut off. Although, I’m sure she’s paying homage to our very own Butch “Snarlin’ Darlin’” Baltierra and, well, that’s good enough for me. So, after all of my letter writing over the year which, if I’m still being accurate, is 239 days…MTV finally sent our best human-like Weeble to catch up with Amber whilst in “gel” and see if she’s a changed person or if she is still likely to kick the fat ass of a loved one down the stairs. I’m sure she’s reserved now as I hear prison is a calming whimsical place. I’m joking, she probably shanks b*tches on the regular and eats Cap’n Crunch out of her toilet. This is the true story of Amber Portwood behind bars today and dancing on top of them tomorrow.
Dr Drewski opens up the show by standing outside of the jail (wimp) while all the inmates are in the background wearing orange jumpsuits. Had I not seen the commercials and knew that Amber was sporting a flattering red Hanes Husky, I would have been pausing my DVR looking for Waldo in the background. Speaking of the Husky, once I saw Amber I immediately was waiting for her to enter the “backroom” to the call of “Hey Kool-Aid” and then she would have, of course, crashed through the brick wall and shouted “Oh Yeah!” with some black Ray Charles sunglasses. Also, none of what I just stated is a normal way for the brain to think and I will immediately hold an intervention on myself so that I will seek therapy. Update: I ran from my intervention. Moving on. Amber is also wearing some form-fitting tan Docker khaki’s that really say, “Sure I’m in jail, but when my sentence is up I can immediately pick up a shift at Blockbuster.” The pants say that through the pee-pee zipper…just in case that wasn’t clear. Sidenote: It took me the full 30 minutes to figure it out, but Ambjikistan also kinda looks like Fergie if, you know, she ever got a case of the “prison fats.”
We learn a lot about Amber through this interview like how Gary and Leah haven’t come to visit her yet and how she’s finally clean and sober and voluntarily taking anger management classes but, let’s face it, all that is one giant Ryan-sized yawn. Sure it was good to see Amber not slurring and not being a giant B, but I was more interested in what jail was like for her. Apparently, she’s in some kind of “therapy jail” which is like a rehab inside the prison walls. She claims she didn’t want to go to that one, but since she’s had her rights taken away they forced her. Kinda like Bertha must force her to braid her gentlemen greeter afro on Sunday mornings. Allegedly. Fine, made up. Oh, and Amber also found herself a job for the next 5 years. She’s cleaning toilets so evidently she’s not entirely away from crack on a daily basis. Hey-oh! She does all this for $0.60 an hour which is slightly less than she was making from filming Teen Mom. Oh wait. And to no surprise Amby-Pants is also studying for her GED on Saturday mornings, probably at the same time Leah is watching cartoons and wondering if someone from Team Oomi Zoomi is her mom. I would imagine that to be the case.
Truth be told, Amber seems to be doing pretty well and actually taking accountability for her past actions. She even states that she was pretty much high every time she spoke with Drew. I think I called that during one of the reunion shows where she hysterically cried for 90 minutes on the couch. Call it a hunch. Since I’m as old as the hills and The Hills, I was confused when she was talking about some drug she was taking that was a plastic patch that you stuck to your body…and sometimes chewed. So, like, one of those Bazooka Joe temporary tattoos? My parents always told me not to lick those because they could be laced with drugs and evidently they were right. You ruin lives, Bazooka Joe! If my memory serves me correctly, I think the drug Amber is talking about is similar to the one that Linda from Intervention used to take right before she would do scissor kicks on her front lawn screaming she was being electrocuted. Pretty much same/same. However, my favorite part was when Slammber was discussing how she was so high she didn’t care about anyone or herself, but she did reference how terrible she looked with her spray tan and eyelashes. I’m not kidding when I say that her calling that out was proof to me she is now clean and sober…and a little boring, but clean and sober nonetheless. I just wish she would have brought up that chick from Destiny’s Child that befriended her this season or my favorite phrase of the previous season: Expensive! Sadly, she did not so I can only hope for a yearly follow-up special over the next 5 years. 5 years. Really? 5 years, for what? Didn’t Lohan kill someone and she was only in “gel” for 34 minutes? Eh, to each their own.
In the end, Amber states that she wants to be a better mom for Leah because she admits she wasn’t a good mom to her at all. It kind of sucks when she admits all this because it makes it more difficult to roast her. Speaking of roast, I read from the drunks over at RadarOnline today that apparently Gary tells Leah that “Mommy is in California making a movie.” He better hope that Ghostbuster’s sequel really does happen in the next 5 years or he’s going to have some explaining to do. I also hope that at least half of what Amber made from Teen Mom is frozen somewhere in a bank account because when she gets out in 5 years she’s going to need to find a hobby…and that hobby is going to require money…and it should kinda center around drugs…and it should be filmed….cuz I’m gonna wanna see it.
Craptastic Thoughts from IBBB Readers!
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Kortney Said,
I missed this unfortunately, but I’m glad to see she is finally taking some responsibility for her life. Everything that has happened to her is her own fault. Maybe “gel” is what she really needed to open her eyes and get clean. I just hope it stays that way. And what exactly did she get 5 years for again? Was it for the domestic violence thing against Gary? I can’t beleive she got that much time. It seems a little excessive….Anyhoo, I’m hoping this is the beginning of her staying on the right track and turning her life around. It’s good to see her looking normal for once…..
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Hachet Face Said,
I too was very surprised to see her taking responsibility and admitting her mistakes. I felt proud for our little Amby! I did laugh when she mentioned the eyelashes and fake tanning though. I would love to know how she gets her eyebrows waxed in “gel”??
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bazooka joe Said,
Amber was pretty likeable in this special but I literally lol’d when she mentioned the eyelashes.
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Nick's Bong Said,
LMAO THERE IS NO SUGAR FOOT?
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Nick's Bong Said,
Also, I have a small amount of respect for Amber now. At least she’s admitting she was a horrible mother and looked horrible with her eyelashes and spray tan!
HEIL AMBER!
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GLT (Glitzy, Lettuce and Tomato)..U know it is going to happen Said,
Gawd, I hope Babs bitch of a dawter watched this but she was probably too busy with her new boyyyyyfriend gettin high, high, high….we are waiting for you Jenelle….and we are ready to play…
Good for Amber…says alot when she comes off more humble, grounded and intelligent than Orange Bricks and Ms Gulch. Love how up until the final scene of Ask Teen Mom questions Scripted by MTV special Ms Gulch was an utter byatch, demanding the help to remove her mic. I would love to see Gary open up a competing restaurant against Ms Gulch and put her out of business.
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Hanes Husky Said,
Wow, you don’t want to fool around with fentanyl patches. My dad almost overdosed on them when he stuck three on him at a time after a back fusion. This broad was chewing on them like bubble gum? o_0 They basically look like large band aids and the medication soaks through the skin….not meant for the mouth.
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CPS workers Unite! Said,
I kind of wished she would of overdosed on the patches. Then we wouldn’t have to be looking at her bloated face/body anymore. She’s a train wreck. Obviously she’s a shitty mom/person. Everyone else knew it and it’s about time she finally put on a clue catcher and realized the same thing.
20 bucks says she gets out of “gel” and crashes and burns 10 minutes later.
afk- making bets.
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Let's Face It-Tyler and Gary are both 50 Shades of Gay Said,
She is destined to be a lifer. Poor Leah. Gay Gary is probably feeding her pork rinds and mountain dew right now. Brandonteresa, want to adopt another one?
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Amby's Hand Piercing Said,
I thought i heard somewhere that she might only get 2-2.5 years in gel?! we shall see….
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Amby's Hand Piercing Said,
PS. When the F does teen mom 2 season 3 start?!?! i cant take the suspense anymore!
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Gary's Seatbelt Extender Said,
A few days ago when a promotional picture for this special was posted on Facebook, one of my friends said Ambuh looked like a drape. Lo and behold!
I picture Amber mixing grape jelly and cocoa butter together to make hair gel in prison like they showed on MSNBC’s Lockup that one time. I wanted her to tell us some bangin recipes for Ramen that she gets from the canteen. Alas, it was not to be so! -
social working degree Said,
I think she will get out in 2.5 years, right? thought I read that somewhere. I’m not sure how this whole “gel” thing works, but I think as long as she behaves herself and doesn’t push anyone down a flight of stairs she will only serve half the sentence. yay for jail overcrowding.
I only watched part of the episode because it was completely boring. kinda bummed that I missed her mentioning her eyelashes though.
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Chin cysts Said,
The spider lashes, the fake tan, and fake nails bit made me LOL. It was the drugs all along!
Seriously, when the flippin’ fuck are we going to get some Babs?!? Some other lame show is taking the Teen Mom time slot, so are we going to have to wait until this crap has it’s run?!
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Catelynn's Chewed off Fingernail Polish Said,
So Amber admits that she was a crappy Mom and complains to Drew that Geary hasn’t brought poor Leah to visit her in de slammer. But when he axed her what she missed the most, she said “sleeping late and drivin”. Hey Amber, you’re still a crappy mom.
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June's Biscuit Said,
sadly, i’m from indiana so i know how the system works. if she doesn’t get in any trouble in jail she will only do half her sentence. so she got five years which means she’ll be out in 2.5 years. come on, amby, you can do it!
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Twinkie Truck driver Said,
The various face/hand piercings were also gone, unless you can’t have them in gel. I’m not up on the rules. But I was glad to see her coherent. Am I the only one not understanding why they don’t just tell Leah that Mommy is in jail? Better to make up random lies about her mothers whereabouts?? I’m guessing Leah has about as much frame of reference for jail as she does for twinkie trucks and filming movies in California.
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Amby's Hand Piercing Said,
HAHA, i forgot about the Twinkie driver truck reference!
Why the hell would Gary tell Leah that Amber is the Twinkie truck driver? He couldve at least said she was at schooll (not college….just classes for that pesky GED) or “work” or something, anything! The Twinkie driver truck thing was so dumb. Like he was making a joke out of her being in gel. Although, now that i think of it, Gary is big on Twinkies and other treats so it all makes sense in the end i guess! -
April Said,
Well I guess they let you have tweezers in prison. Look at them eyebrows.
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T*ts on a Stick Said,
Chewing on fentanyl patches?? Geez, she’s lucky she didn’t overdose — you’re supposed to put one on your Skin and change it every two or three days, not eat it!
I actually found her surprisingly likeable in this interview. I’ve been re-watching the first season of Teen Mom on Netflix (I need a life) and it was pretty clear even back then that she needed some real help. I can’t believe that those camera people and producers would just stand by and film and not do anything at all when she was so obviously baked out of her mind and “taking care of” Leah. They should be in the cell next to her in gel.
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butch goes to law school Said,
garys seat belt,i saw that episode of lock up about the hair gel,i so wanted to try it?did anyone here try it?last night,i just kept looking at amby in disbelief..i didnt even recognize her without those tarantulas on her eyes.also,gary lying to leah is wrong on so many levels.
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The Pacifer Still in Use at H/S Graduation Said,
When my husband heard the “Twinkie Truck Driver” he about fell out of his chair laughing! He said “and what? Gary goes behind her and clears ths shelves as soon as she put’s them out?”
Why would he tell Leah that? I agree with the poster above in that Leah is only three years old. She has NO point of reference on these things, just be truthful with her. That is one little girl that I honestly feel so sorry for. She is already over weight, she has parents that use her as a pawn. An addict with a prison sentence for a Mother and a Father that is trying to be a celebrity. How sad is that?
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Nick's Bong Said,
Anyone else notice Amber’s ripped earlobe? I wonder if the non-existent Sugarfoot got ahold of her…….
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Mootie Moot Said,
Agreed. Gary telling Leah her moms the Twinkies truck driver is downright retarded. Where’s the twinkie truck going to be when he takes her to ‘gel!?’ what an overweight retard!
As for Slammber being on the Fentanyl, I wonder if thats why she had that abscess. Our friend Linda-scissor-kicks lost majority of her teeth…(and sanity). Wonder if Amber did the scissors , hmm… -
Yvette Said,
I don’t care when I heard that Leah was being told that Amber was driving a Twinkie Truck that totally made my hour and lightened my mood. And honestly can’t get that image out of my head whenever her name comes up.
But I agree Poor Leah. She’s seen a lot at her age, I think she can handle being told the truth. If I were her the truth would make me feel less abandoned then the other excuses they are giving. Good Laugh though.
I was shocked that Amber was likable somewhat. I thought I’d do more eye rolling. Oh well there’s always next time. -
Felicity Said,
I wonder what that giant torso tattoo looks like now…
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Felicity Said,
I wonder what that giant torso tattoo looks like now…
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slappie jones Said,
@catelynn’s chewed off polish: I agree with you. I found myself watching this and actually felt some compassion for am-buh, thinking she got her shit together until Dr. Drew asked what she misses most. Her daughter? Nope. Her family or Geaaaaary? Nope. Driving her car….what the hell!?? Real nice. I guess Leah has another point of reference for future therapy sessions.
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The Pacifer Still in Use at H/S Graduation Said,
Slappie… I thought that too. She didn’t even put Leah into that thought or reply. She “misses sleeping in and driving in my car.” But, can half-way do the “ugly cry” when asked directly about Leah. I still just have overwhelming sympathy for that little girl. Gary has pictures of her (Leah) on his Facebook page where she is dressed like Amber and throwing the hand signs just like her. He thinks it’s cute? I would be mortified if my three year old did that! Not “hey! I’m going to photograph this and put it out for the world to see.”
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slappie jones Said,
@pacifier: agree with you also…I have five kids, and while I certainly would not win any mother of the year awards myself, there are times when I need a break and ship them off for a sleepover at grandma’s house. If my hubby and I step out for a childless dinner, guess who we are talking about the whole time?? I could not imagine being away from my kids for five days much less five months! I was a little annoyed that am-buh was pissed at geeeearry for not bringing Leah to visit her in gel. Uh, y’all screwed her up enough…no?!? ….and “mommy is driving the twinkie truck” ….what. the. f*ck.
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Kieffah's Weeed Said,
Oh my god. The way she was boo-hoo and belly-aching about Leah not going in there to visit her. Um, Rosanne, if you would not go into a goddamn prison at the age of 4, there’s no reason your daughter should! So knock it off with the poor me bullsh*t! Also, fix your earlobe. Use Gorilla Glue, you just made me want to rip your ear off!
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ANNA IS THE PREGNANTEST Said,
As much as I can’t stand Amber (or any of these girls, to be honest), in my opinion Jenelle is still the biggest fuck up of the lot. She is the definition of a “hot mess” and literally can’t do anything right. In the first season of Teen Mom, Amber seemed to be a much less horrible mother than she is now, although it was pretty obvious that she was seriously depressed. Jenelle is just a freak.
Having said that, I still miss Barb!!!!! -
ANNA IS THE PREGNANTEST Said,
Oh, and Amber’s eyebrows? Scaaaaary!!!
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jen_with_relish Said,
@ Felicity… the giant tat has morphed from a pic of Leah into one of Gary….
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Felicity Said,
@jen_with_relish – ha! I bet you’re right!
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The Pacifer Still in Use at H/S Graduation Said,
Jen…. had to come and check the comments (yes, I’m pathetic and bored) and I almost wet my pants, spit out my coffee and ugly cried all at the same time with that comment! I can’t recall where/what magazine it was in – I was standing in line in the grocery store – oh yeah… I actually feed my children real food, not Happy Meals every six hours. ANYWAY… they had a picture of ol’ Gar Bear with Leah and not only did he have her rockin’ the “jailhouse braids” but she is already seriously over weight. That poor kid. The fact that 99% of the world refers to her as “Poor Leah” like that is her name? Is just… sad.
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jen_with_relish Said,
Oh! And nobody else noticed the awkward greeting??? I’m shocked. Amber ran up to hug Dr. Pew and he halted her with a double hand shake/hold. I kept rewinding it to see the look in her eyes go from excitment to confusion to rejection in 2.2 seconds. Bahahah!
