Jersey Shore Recap: The One Where Everyone Just Goes Through the Motions

Well it’s the 17th and final season of Jersey Shore.  How Ronnie isn’t cellmates with Amber from Teen Mom, serving a life-sentence for the OJ-style murder of Sammi SweatStains is beyond me.  It’s nice that everyone is back for the final season and by “nice” I of course mean “contractually obligated.”  Now look, I know I am an old bastard.  I’ve never said I wasn’t.  However, putting this on for 2 hours from 10pm – 12am was like making me stare at a turning mobile in my crib.  To sum up, this sh*t is a snooze-fest and most likely coma inducing.  Everyone got boring and got boring really quickly, but no one was more boring than Grandpa Situation.  You see, boys and girls, Grandpa Sitch used to be on “the drugs” for all the other seasons, but decided to swing by “the ‘hab” for a little detox prior to filming and is now completely sober…and uninteresting.  Apparently the drugs he used to do were to blame for that odd southern-thug-accent he used to sport during all his one-on-one interviews because like his youthful look, it’s gone.  At one point Sitch even says that he hasn’t driven over the bridge to the Jersey Shore sober in 3 summers.  Well that’s reassuring, MTV.  Jesus take the wheel…literally.  Well, Jesus or the boom mic operator.  I mean, anyone.  Someone please, take the wheel because Sitch could have killed innocent people and then we would have been visiting Amber, Ronnie and Sitch in the slammer-lammer-ding-dong (it’s like the musical version of jail).  And for those playing along at home tonight, the magic word was “clean.”  Everyone kept saying things like, “Yeah, Mike is clean now.” And, “I hope Mike stays clean.”  It’s like a bad after-school special but, like, starring a cast of talking rusted  dumpsters.

Oh and VaDeena got a new face and, quite possibly, an entirely new head.  She also lost a ton of weight so she’s more like a turkey meatball now…meaning a little bit lean, has a weird smell and aftertaste, and still gives you a ton of gas.  Obviously she got her nose done, but her eyes look different as does her chin.  Watching scenes with her mom was like a looking at “Before and After” meth photos which, by the way, is one of me and my sisters favorite past-times.  VaDeena also scooped herself up a boyfriend who is merely inches taller than her.  She’s really giving Snooki and Jionni a run for their “it’s almost running out” money.   VaDeena legit cries almost the entire episode because she already misses her boyfriend, Chris.  They’ve been going out for 9-months and have only spent 2 days apart.  That sounds healthy.  It’s like she traded up her addiction to booze to an addiction to plastic surgery and then traded that addiction up to an addiction to the ding-a-ling.  There’s a theme with her apparently.  If I gave two Shasta McNasty’s I would try to analyze it better but, alas, I am sans Shasta.

As if things couldn’t get any more boring, Snooki is still pregnant yet still seems to be the same weight as she was pre-pregnancy.  Since she can’t drink, party, or dance she isn’t fun at all.  Even her one-on-one interviews are boring.  Pauly D/Ellen Travolta looks bloated and exhausted from counting his 11 million dollars.  Vinny grew a little hair and now is trying to remain celibate. JWoww ShamWow turned 52.  And Yawnie and Yawnie are back together and trying to work on their relationship.  Why didn’t the produces just line them up and call it a day with this season?  Here’s the deal, drinking and drugs make people fun.  Toss in some cameras and it’s a party.  I’m not suggesting that the common-folk take “the drugs” but just these people specifically.  Listening to Sitch talk about staying sober at “da club” for the first time since he was 21 (so, like, 30 years ago) was enough to make me starting reading a book with this show on in the background which I did.  I’m joking, I do not yet have the ability and skills to read the written word.  In fact, I’m having a monkey type what I say at this very moment.  That monkey, of course, is Bubbles.  Say hi everyone.  Where was I?

It’s nice to see Sam and Raaaahn (Staaahp Raaahn, staaahp!) getting along for a few minutes.  I really thought this dysfunctional couple was going to make it….that is until Raaahn starts drinking his and Sitch’s share of the drinks whilst at Karma.  After a few typical midget dance-offs he picks a fight with Sam over her….wait for it…wait for it…not eating enough during the day to prepare her for a night of drinking.  Somehow this turns into the lines of other girls he could have and how he wants Sam out of his face.  She of course is squinting and slurring and telling Yawnie not to talk to her like that and…blah…and Zzzz, Zzzz, Zzzzz.  No joke, I fell asleep for a spell whislt watching.  I assume they made up because when I awoke to such a clatter I saw Ronnie sledding down the stairs at Pedophile Manner with some blankets and Sam giving him the side-eye.  My first thought was, “Oh good, he didn’t literally murder her.”  Meanwhile, while the rest of the gang is at Karma (which totally has turned into your local VFW), Snooki is having dinner with Jionni.  Riveting.  Will she eat the mashed potatoes?  Will she share her steak?  If you’re like me, you can’t wait to find out the answers to that!  I once knew a girl who had her entire set of teeth done and she could still take steak.

The only thing that was somewhat entertaining was the fact the VaDeena was crying on the regular and trying to tell Vinny that she has anxiety and there’s something wrong with her.  Since Vinny is a certified bag of crazy he tries to let VaDeena know that she’s completely fine, but needs to stop crying. Oh, and I also did that “half laugh through my nose” when VaDeena and JWoww were at the bar and trying to figure out what the word “integrity” meant.  I believe they finally settled on the definition of “Not showing your gentlemen greeter at da club.”  It’s in Webster’s now. Anyway,  I think she hit tilt on the psycho-o-meter when she burst into tears when Vinny was talking to her boyfriend about furniture.  This is exactly what I’m talking about.  They’re all at “da club” and we’re forced to watch Vinny and some douche-nozzle discuss furniture option all while Grandpa Sitch sits there drinking Red Bull and realizing that all the chicks in this place are and always were busted.  This doesn’t stop Pauly D/Ellen Travolta and him from taking two pigs back to Pedophile Manor for a little game of “Who’s Still Willing to Bang on Camera” or “WSWBC” like no one calls it…yet.  Apparently the chick that Pauly D is supposed to do sex to has her period so he and Sitch decide to send these facia brutas home for the night.  I have to admit it’s times like this that I really start to miss Pauly D’s Israeli Stalker.  Those were happier times, more interesting times.

After what seems like 7 Sunday dinners and some random game where people pretend to throw Chinese darts at each other (for real) the two hours were coming to an end.  No joke, I am shocked by how bad it literally was.  Sure it was nice to see VaDeena with a new head and a good old-fashion Ronnie and Sam fight, but without Sitch all messed up and with the baby sucking out the personality from Snooki it left me thinking that I could probably go to bed a little earlier on future Thursday nights…or I could drink more, film it, watch it, and recap that.  Therefore I’ve settled on wearing a helmet-cam and letting the chips fall where they may.

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