Squeal like Glitzy “gettin’ lovin’” from Sugar Bear during mating season, because we’ve finally wrapped up our very first season of “Here Comes the Reason Why the Terrorists Hate Us.” In order to capture these memories, Mama’s family (see what I did there?) decides it’s time to get some professional pictures taken of themselves so they can have something more recent than the family mug shots. Personally I think the mug shots are a little more personal, but I have to admit that when The Sugars were all posing on the rocks under the overpass they really did look like page 12 of the Sears Catalog and, well, that’s fine by me. Mama put some “paint on the barn” which I’m pretty sure is code for “douched her vagiggle jaggle” and Sugar Bear decided to be remembered for life in a blue t-shirt that really accentuates his legit rotten yellow and brown teeth. One can only assume that the other “chalk miners” use his mouth as an ash tray. And just think, ladies and gentlemen, Sugar Bear uses that same mouth to snack on some biscuits…if ya know what I mean. If ya don’t I’m specifically referring to June’s vagina. Cool. Anycrisp, everyone is sweating up a storm on the rocks because it’s 101 degrees in Georgia and “the fats” don’t mix well with overall weather patterns. Plus, they’re breaking even more of a sweat by swatting at the gnats on the regular. I like to think of the gnats as being little tiny personal trainers that are trying to whip June and crew into shape. Leave no child behind. I have no idea what that means, nor should you.
Later, we’re all reminded that someone had sex with Chickadee because she’s complaining of stomach pains and, therefore, it must be time to fix herself a baby. The bad news is that because she’s going into labor, Alana is going to miss her upcoming pageant. It’s bad news for Alana and the Level III sex offenders in the crowd. Holla! I loved the hospital scenes because, once again, they were not allowed to film so Mama takes it upon herself to hold her flipcam and act as the producer and ask Chickadee how she feels during this horrific time. Had we been able to see her, I’d envision her to be like King Kong swatting away planes at the top of the Empire State Building. However, we live in a post 9-11 world, so that is not likely to happen. Although I have started a letter-writing campaign so, well, fingers crossed. Speaking of fingers and the like, baby Kaitlyn was born 21 pounds 55 ounces and was 10 feet tall. I have no idea. All I do know is that she was born with 3 thumbs. I mean, as if we thought anything else would have happened. That’s right, 3 thumbs. 1 thumb on her left hand and 2 thumbs on her right hand. I think it’s great. No really, I do. First off, she’ll be able to do killer crab impressions when she gets older whilst actually having crabs. Also, sometimes it gets a bit windy in the south so the extra thumb will help her hold onto those food stamps so they don’t blow away. I mean, let’s face it, even God was thinking ahead with this one. Plus, she’ll be able to swat away twice as many gnats as the rest of the bunch. And you totally know Ebert is going to want to get a hold of her. It’s really win-win-win (3rd win for the 3rd thumb). Mama says we’re all born with something special and she’s right. I was born with the gift of dumb jokes and a large ding-a-ling, so I know exactly how she feels. Oh. Wait.
Everyone else also agrees with me that the 3rd thumb really is no big deal. I’m sure that even if she wasn’t born with a 3rd thumb, based on where they live in Georgia, she’d end up with a 3rd one eventually. Might as well start her young so she can enter a Nintendo tournament or something (up, up, down, down, left, right, B, A, won’t even know what hit him!). Chubbs or Pumpkin (I’m still not entirely sure who is who/whom) gives Kaitlyn a “High 6″ instead of a High 5. Those kids are quite the thinkers. Sadly, however, Honey Boo Boo wasn’t allowed in the room because she’s under the age of 12 and apparently there are made up laws in that part of Georgia where they believe children are a security risk…yet are allowed to film television shows. That’s neither here nor there, but it is a little here…and a smidge there. Alana actually had me LOL as “the kids” say in AOL chatrooms, when she said during her one on one interview that Kaitlyn was “riding the biscuit express.” Oddly enough I’m pretty sure that’s the same thing that Chickadee’s baby daddy told his friends when Chickadee got knocked up. Anykids, Sugar Bear hit the nail on the head when he said that Kaitlyn’s thumb reminded him of a Swiss Army Knife. Looks like someone is starting to understand his Bazooka Joe jokes!
This show is such a sh*t mess and I love every second of it. True story, I looked down for 3 seconds to send out a text and when I looked back up a rabid cat was attacking Alana and Pumpkin. I’m not sure what they were doing, if it was their cat, or what the hell was going on, but a cat was hissing and swatting at them and they were legit screaming up on the bed and actually kicking the cat in its face. I wouldn’t be lying if I said that I could watch this cat attack for a full 45 minutes. Hell, even put it in slow motion. I’m all in. Me-ow!
Alana doesn’t even care that she’s missing her pageant. She is so excited to meet the new baby so she can be a 6-year old aunt, just like every 5 year old dreams. She wants to know what the baby is going to smell like. I’m guessing hopelessness and misfortune. But I could be wrong. All I know is that the baby sneezes like Mama June and that’s perfectly fine with me. I have to admit that when I sneeze now I start to yell, “Here we go!” and get it out by the first sneeze. In the few times I’ve sneeze two times in a row, it was like the best day ever. Speaking of best days ever, we’re introduced to yet another character on this show. Enter: Uncle Poodle. I mean, where to start. Uncle Poodle is the younger gay(er) brother of Sugar Bear. I was a little disappointed he wasn’t named “Sugar Poodle” but that’s always a chance for season 2. Uncle Poodle looks just like Sugar Bear, but with more sass and that’s why he’s here. Uncle Poodle will be teaching Alana some sassy moves for the last minute pageant Mama signed her up for. Since Mama is the most politically correct she lets us know that Uncle Poodle has some fruit in his tank. Honestly, I didn’t even know she knew that word….fruit. I figured she would have went with, “He’s got some cheese balls in his catchers mitt.” I’m just spit-balling at this point. So, Uncle Poodle takes Alana out back and struts his stuff and then, inexplicably, starts doing cart wheels. I was surprised glitter didn’t shoot out from his shoes like a classic episode of Xuxa. Suddenly the sass lesson comes to a halt and a “grass fight” breaks out which consists of, you guessed it, throwing grass and mud at everyone on the front lawn. Uncle Poodle screeches a bit because he doesn’t want mud stains on his oversized Bob’s Discount polo. Poor Uncle Poodle is exhausted after the grass fight and tells the camera that he doesn’t know how Sugar Bear does this all day with all this testosterone in one house. Silly Poodle using words he recalls from his 4th grade sex ed class. Ironically, I’m pretty sure 4th grade was his last “schoolin’ year” as well. Pungent.
In the end, everyone heads off to Alana’s lat minute pageant, but not before Chubbs/Pumpkin steps in dog sh*t on the front lawn. Eh, at least she’ll now have both feet smelling like sh*t for a change. Allegedly. I don’t need “the fats” suing me for anything. Jesus. Since Alana had one too many helpins’ of “the sketti” she can barely fit into her Jon Benet dress. But that doesn’t stop her from keeping a positive attitude and putting in her beaver teeth so she can chomp, chomp, chomp at the judges. And help build a dam! Just as I had wished, Mama is in the audience yelling “Work it Smoochie!” but this time something was different. This time, I was yelling it too…in unison…with Mama. I think this is called a “full circle moment.” I’m not great with shapes and/or geometry so there’s really no way of me knowing if this is a full circle moment. Uncle Poodle is beaming with sass in the audience and creepily taking pictures of all the little girls who seem to be convulsing on stage whilst sporting Anna Nicole dresses, Dolly Parton wigs, and George Hamilton tans. Shh! It’s a wig. Unfortunately, Alana didn’t win Grand Wizard of the KKK, but she did win the People’s Choice Award while she was in her blue swimsuit dress (?). And to top things off, Sugar Bear even surprised her with bringing Glitzy on stage to reunite with Alana one last time before they send her back to the farm once more so Glitzy can do her part in the Bacon Shortage Crisis of 2012. Work it Smoochie! Come on Mootie Moot!
Well, folks, that’s that. Don’t be too sad because it’s now been confirmed that while the season is over Honey Boo Boo will be back for a variety of holiday specials…starting with Halloween. Perfect. In the meantime, be my personal Smoochie Smooch by clicking here and joining me on my Facebook page. Ole!
Episode Rating: 3.5 Kisses from Mama