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Honey Boo Boo Recap: Thumbing a Ride on the Biscuit Express
Squeal like Glitzy “gettin’ lovin’” from Sugar Bear during mating season, because we’ve finally wrapped up our very first season of “Here Comes the Reason Why the Terrorists Hate Us.” In order to capture these memories, Mama’s family (see what I did there?) decides it’s time to get some professional pictures taken of themselves so they can have something more recent than the family mug shots. Personally I think the mug shots are a little more personal, but I have to admit that when The Sugars were all posing on the rocks under the overpass they really did look like page 12 of the Sears Catalog and, well, that’s fine by me. Mama put some “paint on the barn” which I’m pretty sure is code for “douched her vagiggle jaggle” and Sugar Bear decided to be remembered for life in a blue t-shirt that really accentuates his legit rotten yellow and brown teeth. One can only assume that the other “chalk miners” use his mouth as an ash tray. And just think, ladies and gentlemen, Sugar Bear uses that same mouth to snack on some biscuits…if ya know what I mean. If ya don’t I’m specifically referring to June’s vagina. Cool. Anycrisp, everyone is sweating up a storm on the rocks because it’s 101 degrees in Georgia and “the fats” don’t mix well with overall weather patterns. Plus, they’re breaking even more of a sweat by swatting at the gnats on the regular. I like to think of the gnats as being little tiny personal trainers that are trying to whip June and crew into shape. Leave no child behind. I have no idea what that means, nor should you.
Later, we’re all reminded that someone had sex with Chickadee because she’s complaining of stomach pains and, therefore, it must be time to fix herself a baby. The bad news is that because she’s going into labor, Alana is going to miss her upcoming pageant. It’s bad news for Alana and the Level III sex offenders in the crowd. Holla! I loved the hospital scenes because, once again, they were not allowed to film so Mama takes it upon herself to hold her flipcam and act as the producer and ask Chickadee how she feels during this horrific time. Had we been able to see her, I’d envision her to be like King Kong swatting away planes at the top of the Empire State Building. However, we live in a post 9-11 world, so that is not likely to happen. Although I have started a letter-writing campaign so, well, fingers crossed. Speaking of fingers and the like, baby Kaitlyn was born 21 pounds 55 ounces and was 10 feet tall. I have no idea. All I do know is that she was born with 3 thumbs. I mean, as if we thought anything else would have happened. That’s right, 3 thumbs. 1 thumb on her left hand and 2 thumbs on her right hand. I think it’s great. No really, I do. First off, she’ll be able to do killer crab impressions when she gets older whilst actually having crabs. Also, sometimes it gets a bit windy in the south so the extra thumb will help her hold onto those food stamps so they don’t blow away. I mean, let’s face it, even God was thinking ahead with this one. Plus, she’ll be able to swat away twice as many gnats as the rest of the bunch. And you totally know Ebert is going to want to get a hold of her. It’s really win-win-win (3rd win for the 3rd thumb). Mama says we’re all born with something special and she’s right. I was born with the gift of dumb jokes and a large ding-a-ling, so I know exactly how she feels. Oh. Wait.
Everyone else also agrees with me that the 3rd thumb really is no big deal. I’m sure that even if she wasn’t born with a 3rd thumb, based on where they live in Georgia, she’d end up with a 3rd one eventually. Might as well start her young so she can enter a Nintendo tournament or something (up, up, down, down, left, right, B, A, won’t even know what hit him!). Chubbs or Pumpkin (I’m still not entirely sure who is who/whom) gives Kaitlyn a “High 6″ instead of a High 5. Those kids are quite the thinkers. Sadly, however, Honey Boo Boo wasn’t allowed in the room because she’s under the age of 12 and apparently there are made up laws in that part of Georgia where they believe children are a security risk…yet are allowed to film television shows. That’s neither here nor there, but it is a little here…and a smidge there. Alana actually had me LOL as “the kids” say in AOL chatrooms, when she said during her one on one interview that Kaitlyn was “riding the biscuit express.” Oddly enough I’m pretty sure that’s the same thing that Chickadee’s baby daddy told his friends when Chickadee got knocked up. Anykids, Sugar Bear hit the nail on the head when he said that Kaitlyn’s thumb reminded him of a Swiss Army Knife. Looks like someone is starting to understand his Bazooka Joe jokes!
This show is such a sh*t mess and I love every second of it. True story, I looked down for 3 seconds to send out a text and when I looked back up a rabid cat was attacking Alana and Pumpkin. I’m not sure what they were doing, if it was their cat, or what the hell was going on, but a cat was hissing and swatting at them and they were legit screaming up on the bed and actually kicking the cat in its face. I wouldn’t be lying if I said that I could watch this cat attack for a full 45 minutes. Hell, even put it in slow motion. I’m all in. Me-ow!
Alana doesn’t even care that she’s missing her pageant. She is so excited to meet the new baby so she can be a 6-year old aunt, just like every 5 year old dreams. She wants to know what the baby is going to smell like. I’m guessing hopelessness and misfortune. But I could be wrong. All I know is that the baby sneezes like Mama June and that’s perfectly fine with me. I have to admit that when I sneeze now I start to yell, “Here we go!” and get it out by the first sneeze. In the few times I’ve sneeze two times in a row, it was like the best day ever. Speaking of best days ever, we’re introduced to yet another character on this show. Enter: Uncle Poodle. I mean, where to start. Uncle Poodle is the younger gay(er) brother of Sugar Bear. I was a little disappointed he wasn’t named “Sugar Poodle” but that’s always a chance for season 2. Uncle Poodle looks just like Sugar Bear, but with more sass and that’s why he’s here. Uncle Poodle will be teaching Alana some sassy moves for the last minute pageant Mama signed her up for. Since Mama is the most politically correct she lets us know that Uncle Poodle has some fruit in his tank. Honestly, I didn’t even know she knew that word….fruit. I figured she would have went with, “He’s got some cheese balls in his catchers mitt.” I’m just spit-balling at this point. So, Uncle Poodle takes Alana out back and struts his stuff and then, inexplicably, starts doing cart wheels. I was surprised glitter didn’t shoot out from his shoes like a classic episode of Xuxa. Suddenly the sass lesson comes to a halt and a “grass fight” breaks out which consists of, you guessed it, throwing grass and mud at everyone on the front lawn. Uncle Poodle screeches a bit because he doesn’t want mud stains on his oversized Bob’s Discount polo. Poor Uncle Poodle is exhausted after the grass fight and tells the camera that he doesn’t know how Sugar Bear does this all day with all this testosterone in one house. Silly Poodle using words he recalls from his 4th grade sex ed class. Ironically, I’m pretty sure 4th grade was his last “schoolin’ year” as well. Pungent.
In the end, everyone heads off to Alana’s lat minute pageant, but not before Chubbs/Pumpkin steps in dog sh*t on the front lawn. Eh, at least she’ll now have both feet smelling like sh*t for a change. Allegedly. I don’t need “the fats” suing me for anything. Jesus. Since Alana had one too many helpins’ of “the sketti” she can barely fit into her Jon Benet dress. But that doesn’t stop her from keeping a positive attitude and putting in her beaver teeth so she can chomp, chomp, chomp at the judges. And help build a dam! Just as I had wished, Mama is in the audience yelling “Work it Smoochie!” but this time something was different. This time, I was yelling it too…in unison…with Mama. I think this is called a “full circle moment.” I’m not great with shapes and/or geometry so there’s really no way of me knowing if this is a full circle moment. Uncle Poodle is beaming with sass in the audience and creepily taking pictures of all the little girls who seem to be convulsing on stage whilst sporting Anna Nicole dresses, Dolly Parton wigs, and George Hamilton tans. Shh! It’s a wig. Unfortunately, Alana didn’t win Grand Wizard of the KKK, but she did win the People’s Choice Award while she was in her blue swimsuit dress (?). And to top things off, Sugar Bear even surprised her with bringing Glitzy on stage to reunite with Alana one last time before they send her back to the farm once more so Glitzy can do her part in the Bacon Shortage Crisis of 2012. Work it Smoochie! Come on Mootie Moot!
Well, folks, that’s that. Don’t be too sad because it’s now been confirmed that while the season is over Honey Boo Boo will be back for a variety of holiday specials…starting with Halloween. Perfect. In the meantime, be my personal Smoochie Smooch by clicking here and joining me on my Facebook page. Ole!
Episode Rating: 3.5 Kisses from Mama
Craptastic Thoughts from IBBB Readers!
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IBBB Said,
Like this blog post? Did you click on the “Recommend Button” to share this with your Facebook friends?
Also, join me on my Facebook page and let’s get to talking!
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Ole!
-IBBB
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QueenofCorona Said,
Two words: raunchy biscuit.
I spent the rest of the episode dry heaving into my indoor plumbing.
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Ayrton Carson Said,
As I was watching the finale episode and noticed their pictures were being taken under an overpass I finally realized the greatness of the show. I mean where else do you get to witness such luxury? I can only imagine the costs involved in securing such a wonderful and exotic site. The only thing that could have made it better would have been if they spent the big bucks and brought in failed model girl to pose with them.
With Teen Mom gone and Honey Boo Boo on break i am hoping another show pops up and gets your interest. I enjoy your recaps and will miss them quite a bit, almost as much as I missed my children when I forced them to go out and find a new place to live once they hit 15,since we all know that letting them live with you till they are 18 is just a scam and that if they can’t make it on their own by 15 it is just best to do a “reset” and try again. -
GLT (Glitzy, Lettuce and Tomato)..U know it is going to happen Said,
I am going to miss this trainwreck. I realized last night it is the only show on TV that makes me laugh out loud. RHONJ makes we want to take out a hit on everyone with hirsuteness, after watching RHONY I dump all wine down the drain, which is just depressing and after TeenMom, I can be found pounding on my 17yr old nieces door, condoms draped around my neck like ammo, chastity belt in hand..and a vial of picotin..just..in..case.
So, here’s to you Honey Boo Radley..don’t lose a pound, listen to your uncle Poodle and whatever your family does, DO NOT load up the truck and move to Beverly. Leave that trash to the Hiltons and Kardashians…they are afraid…very afraid.
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Mootie Moot Said,
I loved every second of this show! I couldn’t stop laughing when Chubbs stated Kaitlyn didn’t smell like raunchy biscuit! Can you imagine the smell….?! The Sugars have made me want to take an impulsive drive down to McIntyre & find out where exactly they live! I wouldn’t mind trying some Sketti!
Work it Smoochieeee!
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Barbara Ann Evans III Said,
Now what the hell am I to do with no freaking reeeecaps? Youuuu need to watch The Challenge.
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ChewBear Said,
“when Chubbs stated Kaitlyn didn’t smell like raunchy biscuit!”
Words cannot state my amazement at that statement.Do the Amazing Race!!!!
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Sweatin' like a whore in church Said,
Read some where TLC will have a booboo Christmas special. This will make my holidays delightful!
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Not Goggles Said,
I died when Alana said she wished she had an extra finger so she could grab more cheese balls!
And I also liked Uncle Poodle’s claim that he is a “rebelchious” uncle.
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your left ovary Said,
@GLT, I die again and again reading your comment. It’s PFM!Especially “… and after TeenMom, I can be found pounding on my 17yr old nieces door, condoms draped around my neck like ammo, chastity belt in hand..and a vial of picotin..just..in..case.”
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Chin cysts Said,
There are a few Teen Mom specials coming up if you haven’t heard. This coming Tuesday I guess they’ll show unseen footage of the girls including their audition videos. That’s right, pre-boobs, pre-jail, and pre-MTV money!
And then the week after that *squeal* AMBER BEHIND BARS. With Dr. Drew. Christmas has come early!
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Uncle Poodle's in a casual evening gown Said,
Anyone notice that once Mama starts sneezing, she never finishes the story she was telling? Does she sneeze the thoughts right out of her head? Or maybe the camera ends up covered in mucus and the interview has to end due to equipment failure…either way.
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sketticheeseballs Said,
Patrick took the words out of my mouth… I though good Lord, Alana looks like a young Anna Nicole. Honey Boo Boo needs to lay off the cheeseballs… she is quite the chunky monkey. We just moved to Georgia from Dallas, Texas I’m thinking we need to explore the southern part of this state, I mean a fancy shoot under an overpass I can’t wait to get my picture taken on the rocks where the homeless sleep too! There are some serious creepers in the audience watching these little girls they are wanting to jump on their biscuit express. Speaking of the knocked up 17 year old, is she like the poors version of the Virgin Mary, no one has ever mentioned the potential boyfriend, truck stop driver, or rail road worker that wrote her biscuit express…. just wondering who 3 thumbs daddy may be?
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Kaitlyn's third thumb Said,
Sugar Bear wearing a dirty shirt with stained jeans for a family portrait…classic.
No mention of the rabid cat?
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QueenofCorona Said,
Is it just me or does anyone else have the urge to shoot mama with one of those elephant tranquilizer darts filled with Benadryl.
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Jillia Said,
I will never eat (real bakery) Biscuits ever.again! Thanks!
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Maggie Said,
Grand Wizard of the KKK lmao. Awesome recap.
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Kyyyy's Shart Said,
shhhhhitsapoodle!!
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The Barn Said,
Some people think it is over for good.
Season Finale means just the end of the season.
SERIES finale is the complete end.
Don’t fret, they will be baaaaaaaack. -
Let's Face it-Tyler and Gary are both 50 Shades of Gay Said,
I will give it to these people, they don’t give a flying f–k what others think of them and I admire that. Also, they may be fat and their diet is disgusting, but their house looks pretty clean, especially compared to those nasty hoes on TM and TM2. This show will only be good for a season or two though. They will start making good $$$ and it won’t be reality at all anymore, like Jon and Kate and Teen Mom. We’ll enjoy it while it lasts. I want Baaahbra and her little bitch of a daughta (that’s you) back. I’m might throw a little pahhty the night it premiers and make drinking games out of watching.
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Brooke Said,
I love how TLC had to fuzz out Alana’s plumber’s crack while she was writing in chalk on the driveway.
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Anonymous Said,
I also thought it was hysterical they insisted on taking family photos in 101 degree weather considering they were about to add another family member! Why didn’t they just wait for baby Kaitlyn and her thumbs?
I love that June wouldn’t climb down the rocks but Chickadee attempted it at 30+ weeks.
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T*ts on a Stick Said,
I loved how during the family photo shoot the skinniest girl was the one who was just about to give birth.
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CPS workers Unite! Said,
Damnit, I can’t believe I missed the show! I guess I was more interested on watching murderers, rapists and pedo-bears on Law and Order: SVU than this garbage. Anychins, I guess I’ll have to catch it on the flip side!
This recap has me looking forward to it almost as much as getting my annual pap! OLE!
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Shhhh...it's an extra thumb Said,
Am I crazy or does June remind you of the woman Arnold Schwarzenegger disguises himself as in the original Total Recall? Twoooo weeks twoooo weeks!
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smoochie Said,
Why didn’t anyone properly swaddle that baby?
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Catelynn's Chewed Off Fingernail Polish Said,
Why was Baby Kaitlyn nearly nekkid at the kiddie porn pageant? That poor yung’un. Can’t you just smell her already?
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Forklift Foot Said,
What in the hell is going to happen to that extra thumb?
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fruity-tank Said,
I loved the way uncle poodle made up words.
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Spare Santa Suits Said,
I was shocked that Alana could write that welcome home message in chalk.
The rapport between June, Sugar Bear and the kids is rather endearing, I have to admit.
Pumpkin loving the new baby was sweet–she was way less scary this episode.
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roller skate training wheels Said,
I love all the Barbara references in the comments. When is TM2 starting up anyway?
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GLT (Glitzy, Lettuce and Tomato)..U know it is going to happen Said,
Honey Boo puts Paris Hilton and her stupid anti gay rant to shame….Kim and Paris better run for the hills, cause Honey Boo is taking over and I bet all the Poodles love her! And it makes me love June and Sugar Bear even more…I mean, come on..who saw that coming…Sugar Bear loves his gay brother…I want to see this family, not the Teen Mom hoes, doing the NOH8 pix….most of the Teen Mom trash throw anti gay slurs around on their twitter 24/7 and here is this family everyone makes fun of showing more love and tolerance 1/2 the population….
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Leslie Said,
That extra thumb will come in handy when she has to count over ten. It kind of gives her and edge over the rest of her Deliverance family.
I hate this show, never watch it, but love, love, love the recaps!
It is one step below the Real Housewives of NJ but only 1 step.
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Heather Said,
I’m more concerned with what you will be blogging about next since this show is over….
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Kortney Said,
This is OT, but I caught an episode of “Full House” last night and it immediately made me think of this craptastic blog!! I loved the show as a kid, and watching it made me long for the days when tv shows had meaning and purpose. Now days, all we get is reality shows that reflect the most unreaslistic circumstances.
FYI, the episode was called “Shape Up” and it dealt with DJ’s desire to lose weight for a pool party by not eating and excessive exercising. Of course, the final scene was Danny explaning that it’s not what’s outside that matters, it’s whats inside that counts. The more you know……
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Leslie Said,
“Honey Boo Boo” has been renewed for another season giving this backward, unhygenic, illiterate bunch more money for the privilege of watching them make fools of themselves.
American “exceptionalism” at its best!
Maybe next time we can catch a glimpse of all the fathers of June’s 3 other kids currently out on parole.
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Anytrash Said,
Mama taking a bath in her own sweat!
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smoochie Said,
Did anyone else notice pumpkins creepy smile in the family photos
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Bricks... That is all. Said,
Wtf is Slim Magic talking about?
They need to get that third thumb removed ASAP, clearly this child will have enough issues anyway. I love Honey Boo Radley! Genius!
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Justlikehoneybooboo Said,
I love how every time you recap an episode of “The Sugars” the comment section gets littered with diet pill spam. How appropriate.
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texan Said,
Love your blog…laughing so hard I’m crying.
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BooBoo's Camel Toe Said,
I was thrilled to read that this show has been renewed for another season and the fats have gotten a raise to $15,000 from $5,000 per episode and that although TLC offered to get them another home, June refused saying she needed her large lawn to run events for the town to help the poors.
Two thumbs…as if it’s no big deal…does anything upset these people? I don’t think so and this is why I love this show!
Who would you rather see? June make sketti or Kate Gosselin beat her children because her extensions look like shit?
LOVE these blogs..don’t ever retire IBB
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roller skate training wheels Said,
I just read an article that tonight’s south park episode will have honey boo boo, mama, and sugar bear.
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chinfinity Said,
Does anyone else find it ironic that a blood sugar testing supply commercial comes on in between segments?
