I don’t care what anyone says (and by “anyone” I, of course, mean “the smarts”) this is the best show on television. Everyone is up in obese arms about wanting to make sure that America knows that these people don’t represent everyone in the glorious state of Georgia. Oh really? They don’t? Relax dummies, of course The Sugars don’t represent all of Georgia. They only represent half of what you’ll find there. The angry ladies from the Real Housewives of Atlanta is the other half of what you’ll find. It’s basically your typical “ebony and ivory” situation going on down there. Is it down, by the way? I’m not impressive with the map. It’s either down by South America or up towards Canada. Regardless, it less than matters. Moving on. You know what else I find myself doing thanks to this show? Having a tourettes outburst on the regular by just shouting out, “Hey Mootie Moot!” or “Go Smoochie Smooch!” Sometimes I just yell “Smoochie!!” More times than not I’m alone in my apartment whilst blurting these things out and I’m sure my neighbors and the homeless people laying around outside of my apartment are concerned. Little did they know. Hey Mootie Moot!
Mama June is turning into Lois Griffin by wearing the same shirt in every episode. Lucky for her, her cartoon uniform consists of a pink horizontal stripe shirt. The stripes really make her voluptuousness more beautmous and accents her multiple chins and truly makes her front dead tooth pop on camera. I’m joking. All her teeth are, of course, dead. It’s like a pack of Chicklets that were left on the dashboard of your 1985 Oldsmobile Cutless Sierra (two-door with blue pinstripe) since actual 1985. You know, the ones that were right next to the faded box of tissues and tiny dog with a head that bobbed all around every time you’d hit a bump in the road. Either way, #DreamCars. It’s only a week left until Honey Boo Boo’s big pageant where dirty pedophiles can sit on metal folding chairs in the audience, film the show with their Sony Camcorder (with duct-taped handle, as you know) and one hand on their creepy ding-a-ling. Therefore, since Mama spends all of her money on pink stripped shirts, she thinks it’s a good idea to learn how to do Alana’s hair and makeup for the pageant herself so that she doesn’t need to spend any extra money on things that aren’t 1,000 rolls of paper towels or 500 bottles of detergent. Obviously. It’s here that we learn that Mama has extremely poor vision. She can’t even see where Alana’s eyebrow is. It’s shocking that her sight is failing considering how she seems to be the overall vision of tip-top health. Mama also makes this a teaching moment (shout out to Oprah) for Alana because when Alana says all the makeup looks like she’s street walking, Mama is quick to correct her to let her know it’s “street walker.” I feel like if Mama needed to turn tricks she’d be more of a street larker. You know, she’d ride on one of those motorized Larks that the elderly use when they’re too lazy to walk and their hips break. So she’d just Lark her way up and down the street showing a little thigh and a glimpse of her forklift foot to the toothless fellas in the neighborhood. Goooo Smoochie Smooch!
I can’t tell what I like more, the “on the street” interviews where the producers ask the gang what they’re about to do or what they just did and they try to explain but then twitch and freak out…or if I like that there is always a train whizzing by, blowing their horn, and scaring the crap out of The Sugars, like they’re truly shocked that a train goes through their town…every…single…time. Anytweak, Mama takes the gang with her to the local VFW to play a few rounds of BINGO in hopes that she’ll win the jackpot of $1,000 (6-months salary for Sugar Bear…aww I feel bad). This is the exact scene you would picture in your head. A giant hall, filled with tens of people, mostly elderly or obese, with BINGO chachkies including knitted figures and Troll Dolls, all playing hundreds of cards at the same time. They’re really feeding the addiction. Mama says this is like playing a sport for her. Indeed it is. I’m sure her arms haven’t moved this much since stirring the “sketti” from the previous week. Alana is trying to grasp the concept of this game, as is Sugar Bear. They just keep showing him sitting alone and studying his card. Every time they call out a number you can tell Sugar Bear is thinking “I’ve heard of that number before.” It is now that we all get to experience June’s “BINGO Face.” Since she is basically sans sight, she needs to squint her eyes to see the board and look at her cards all at the same time. Squinting her eyes makes her nose go up, her mouth remain ajar, and her chin(s) to drop down a couple of notches. Sadly I think that’s also June’s sex face, orgasm (shutter) face, and hungry face. Also, her tired face, her happy face, and her menstruating face. Also, her mug shot face, her sexy face, and her new millionaire face. It’s basically the American Dream, wrapped in fat, and dipped in a leprechauns asshole (and sprinkled with angel tears). Sadly, Mama doesn’t win any of the BINGO rounds and Alana thinks the people who won were cheating. Uh, have you taken a look around at these people? I’m not quite sure they have the enthusiasm or know-how to cheat…unless we’re talking diets. Hey-oh!
Later, (in I’m pretty sure the same shirt) Mama takes Honey Boo Boo to meet Miss Georgia 2011 for some inspiration and to fill some contractual camera time. At first they go shopping and Alana behaves like she may or may not have multiple diseases that require her to act like her one of the cast members of “Life Goes On.” I won’t imply which one. Then they go to a local “bakery” to try some desserts and Miss Georgia 2011 can provide Alana with some manners tips. Of course, Alana is spitting out of her food whilst she talks and eventually just farts right there at the table. In her defense that is the way that Mama taught the kids to let her know they’re ready for a second helpin’. Miss Georgia is looking at them like she can “catch poverty” and Mama is looking at her like she hasn’t been that weight since she was a fetus in her own mother’s womb. I love the word “womb.” It always makes me think of the word “lamb” and I think lambs are pretty funny. Anyjunk, my favorite part was when Alana tried spitting out her pineapple cake and Mama actually got embarrassed and said, “If you just did something bad don’t say anything.” Oh all of a sudden she’s Miss Manners. Ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it.
In the end, It’s Alana’s 7th birthday (even though she is technically the size of a 10 year old) and Mama pulled out all the stops. Had Sugar Bear pulled out, perhaps he wouldn’t be in this mess at all. But that’s neither here nor there. I have to say, the party kind of kicked ass and didn’t really seem like it was overly cheap. There was a giant blow up water slide, a snow cone stand, a hot dog stand, and a free train rides…you know…if you just hopped on the train as it passes by the house. Honey Boo Boo and the United Colors of Benetton, that apparently are attending her party, are having a blast going up and down the giant water slide. Even Mama tries to get in on the action, but sadly her own obesity won’t allow her to climb up the slide. Some blame her forklift foot, while June blames the positioning of the rope. Apparently if the rope was on the right side she claims she’d be doing this all day long. At one point you literally just hear someone shout from the background “June, take off your socks.” I, of course, shouted back “Oh God, no don’t.” I then shouted, “Cliiiiimb, Smoochie Smooch!” Unfortunately, Mama couldn’t make it and Sugar Bear seems to think that it’s because she’s just too scared to go up the slide. He’s in denial that her ass is her anchor. Ignorance is bliss. Also, evidently ignorance (and lack of ambition) will score you a reality show and make you a millionaire. It’s like the White Trash Lottery and I hope I win some day. Oh, and I legit laughed out loud (or LOL’d like “the kids” say) when Mama started having her sneezing fit and shouted “here we go” whilst sneezing. Legit, gold. Also, no comment on the snots coming out of Alana’s nose at the end. It’s almost as bad as the forklift foot.
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Episode Rating: 4 Microwaved Sketti’s