Sep
17

Catelynn and Her Bong: Nope, Carly Isn’t in There

Posted by IBBB

Read More On: teen mom recap

This isn’t an open letter as much to Catelynn as it is to “The America,” the bong, a little bit to Catelynn and mainly to you. Look, I don’t really see what all the hoopla is about for Catelynn and that damn bong. Are drugs good for you? Most likely, no. I mean, I’m not a doctor or a scientist, but I am a scientific doctor and in chapter 1 of “So You’re a Doctor Now” they pretty much say that while drugs do put a little pep in your step it’s not so bueno for your cabeza. Plus, there’s that whole frying pan and egg drug commercial from the 80’s that always made me want breakfast and, well, pretty much made IHOP what it is today. Anyway, so Cate took an alleged hit from the bong. So what? Isn’t this why she pretty much sold her baby to some white-folk in the hospital parking lot? They “placed” their baby into another life so they could finish school, get their braces off, move into a trailer, and do drugs. Personally I think it’s a victory for Catelynn. At least it explains why she couldn’t get the baby weight off after 3 years and was always filming scenes at the damn diner with bacon grease shellacked all over her fingers and T-Boz combover.

This chick pulled an “Irish Goodbye” on her baby and wanted to live the American Dream. She collected enough money from MTV to practically buy the entire trailer park and still have enough left over to Lemon-Pledge her wood paneling, which really pops in the background of this here photo. What the hell else is she supposed to do with that money? Sure if it were me I would be using it for your standard forehead reduction surgery, but that’s just me. I dream big. Also, Oprah makes me dream big…you know, by law and junk. Truth be told, I think it’s high time (see what I did there? high-five. See what I just did there too?) that Cate takes part in a little drug action. First off, I’m sure Dr. Drew sold the drugs to her so she could seamlessly transition over to his Celebrity Rehab show. She can carpool with April, Butch, Amber, Jenelle, Kieffer, Farrah (pre-boobs) and the rest of the Knocked-Up-Brigade (KUB). Second of all, whilst high she can pretend to sympathize with Tyler for not being able to get it up. I am simply too high to do sex to you. Forget the fact that she looks like Husky Kitty. It’s the drugs. Third of all, she needs to start numbing some pain and numbing it fast. I mean, she’s forced to look at the hole in the bathroom wall that her mother’s head created when Butch played Extreme Makeover: Home Edition with her melon. That can’t be easy to look at every time you have to go #2. I can imagine.

To be honest, do we even know if Catelynn smoked out of the bong? Perhaps she was using it to try and contact Butch in the slammer, you know, the same way that the mayor of Gotham flashes that light to get Batman’s attention via the sky? Same/same. Maybe she forgot that she sold iCarly and was simply looking for her in the bong like she was that pain-in-the-ass Baby Jessica at the bottom of that pesky well? With any luck she mistook the bong for a curling iron and was finally going to curl her bangs to hide a good 3-4 feet of that forehead. It’s quite possible April gives her beauty tips like that (You know I still love ya kid!).

At the end of the day, you’re wearing rolled up (too tight) dungarees, sitting on a puffy emerald green suede couch with wood paneling behind you, in a double-wide trailer, on a dirt road, and you’re hitting the bong. What. In. The. Hell. Else. Are. You. Supposed. To. Do. This is exactly how you behave in a trailer. In fact, I think it’s part of the admission process. “Do you have job? No. Can you smoke on a puffy couch? Yes. Great, you’re in. Now you owe us $700 for the trailer…over the next 30 years. “ Catelynn didn’t side-eye Teresa and Brandon for nothing 3 years ago. She did it so she can be a kid and make bad decisions….and do it all without having a human to take care of. Look at Farrah. She wanted to learn how to make English Muffin Pizza’s in college and she had to ship her baby across the country because she couldn’t handle it. Look at Amber. I mean. No words. But you get the point. Catelynn is allowed to smoke it if she got it. Sure, not by law. But maybe if she has glaucoma she can. I don’t know. I read that somewhere before. I think that’s why Dionne Warwick is high all the time.

In closing, you better hop on your Ouija Board to get in touch with Brandon and Teresa because you know you’re totally dead to them now. And what do ya know, suddenly April is turning into quite the responsible lady. She just slams Twisted Teas, but at least that’s legal. However, I have a feeling that this will end the same exact way as the last episode of Seinfeld, with Catelynn, Tyler, Butch and April all sitting in a jail cell together looking at each other for the rest of their lives. But, you know, with more forehead and rat-tails.

Join me on my drug-free Facebook page by clicking here. Ole!

55 Comments

Craptastic Thoughts from IBBB Readers!

IBBB Said,
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Ole!

-IBBB
Jilla Said,
Well duh! MTV is fake! she only pretends to plays perfect…. and husky.
butch goes to law school Said,
she really should have invited amber..or sent some to her in the ‘gel’
DebrasWireHangerThatAlmost Hooked Farrah21yrsago Said,
Like I said….Catelynn and Tyler stop fronting like you will become somebody one day and be the true trailer trash and pull a Raising Arizona already! If not see you on episode of A&E Intervention.
Jules Said,
Is it wrong that this actually makes me like Catelynn?
PuffyLeatherGentlemanGreeter Said,
Jilla, she may well be pretending to be perfect…but she is definitely not pretending to be husky lol
Husky Kitty Said,
Dear God that hairline! I bet Tre could use a couple spare yards of it.
Jilla Said,
I know meant to put a ? after husky. lol.
skating ring socks Said,
Haha! I love that pic! Who cares if she’s smokin a little reefer. At least there isn’t a baby running around in the background. Cause trust me Ive got trashy roots and this ain’t that bad.
Sugarfoot Said,
So has everyone seen Amber has a “protector” in prison named Sugarfoot? Sounds like diabetes to me. She must miss Gary.
Searching For iCarly Said,
Of course she and Tyler got a good edit but, damn, it’s not like she’s mainlining heroin. Cate probably didn’t even inhale!

The only problem I have with this is that Husky let herself be photographed. I mean come the f on people! I bet Apes got 50 bucks for selling that pic to Star.
Sybil Said,
Can’t wait for Celebrity Rehab- Teen Mom edition!
tyler loves my- kuhl Said,
If my baby daddy and future husband was gayer than Adam Lambert, I would be high 24/7 too…
Amber's Lashes Said,
This is the least shocking this any of the these girls have ever done.
Andrea Said,
like mother like daughter. Good thing Carly got the hell outta there!
Amber's Lashes Said,
*thing.

I suck.
Souless Shoe Said,
Maybe it’s a sex toy
butch goes to law school Said,
speaking of bongs,did you hear jenelle and kieffer are moving to new jersey..
a fly on the paneling Said,
If I was a fly on the paneling, I would have told her this wasn’t a very good idea. I would have also made sure her capri’s hadn’t cut off her circulation yet, but hey, I’m a thoughtful fly like that. I’ll bet that Brandon and Teresa are throwing a “we now have a good enough reason to cut ties” type of party as we speak. Husky (Hello) Kitty is now Husky (HIgh) Kitty. HHK.
a fly on the paneling Said,
And wait, did anybody else notice that HHK is sporting Leah’s old hairstyle “slick bangs/wavy hair”? She, of course, made it her own- slick bangs/wavy hair “forehead edition”.
slappie jones Said,
“Higggggghhhhhh…..you’re all friggin’ high….”
$1 make me hollar, $2 Sucky, Sucky Said,
I wonder if that is Ape Roll sitting next to her blurred out on the couch?
T*ts on a Stick Said,
You’d think she would at least have enough sense to not let people take pictures of her..
BooBoo's Camel Toe Said,
@T*ts on a Stick…yep..her and Prince Harry have horrible friends who sell out their friendships to make a buck LOL

I totally agree with IBBB….say goodbye to Brandon and Theresa after this pic…now they have an excuse to keep the kid away from them.. I am sure they have been hoping for one since day 1.

Hell, let the poor girl get high….like a previous poster said..how else could anyone stand to live up to Tyler’s expectations while he beats puppies?
Ski Chalet's Landlady Said,
Do I really care if Cate wants to smoke up on the sly? Not at all. Like IBBB said, what the hell else is there to do? Nothing, I can answer, since I’m originally from Michigan, and that’s pretty much par for the course when you’re college-aged and can afford weed since you don’t have a kid.

What really sucks is that I’m sure there will be a Very Special Episode of Dr. Drew where he sits Catelynn down and has a serious conversation with her forehead about how drugs are bad.
Tricked Out Bong Said,
Don’t I look slamming in that pic?? huh??? HUH??
tyler loves my- kuhl Said,
If cate’s little bro, Nick, was smart he would be elbowing her fat ass out of the way to take a hit. I wonder if she wistfully spells out icarly’s name with the twigs and buds from the baggie.
"the gary" of homes Said,
Teen Mom: the Forehead edition
“The One Where iCarly (never) Shows Up!!

Smoke it if you got it, Cate. (I still love ya kid.)
WV_Genetic-cyst Said,
@Jules – totally agree that Cate is more likeable! She really should move her couch from the trailer to the grassy knoll…..
Go Directly to Gel Said,
At least she had the decency not to smoke da weed on da front porch.
StankyPickles Said,
This better be on the first episode of Butch an April’s spinoff (Puh-leeease MTV)
Sybil Said,
HA! Go directly to jail, you are one funny person!!
The Pacifier Still In Use During H/S Graduation Said,
So… then why all the talk from the two of them of “they didn’t want their kid around all the drugs and booze, etc.” All of this time, we have been led to believe that due to their drugging and boozing parents, THAT was why they gave iCarly up.

Now the truth comes out. THEY were the one’s that wanted to party. I mean, if your Mom is your “bong buddy” you can’t really ask her to watch your kid for you.
Leah's habitual chicken nuggets Said,
now we know why she’s always chewing on her nails….munchies!
Amber's pill bottles Said,
@ Go directly to gel – yes!!! I guess there is some common sense in that fivehead of Catelynn’s!

@ Leah’s habitual chicken nuggets – LMAO! Now it all makes sense…

What a crazy few weeks it has been for Catelynn and Tyler fans – first we watch Tyler go ballistic on his dog, now Catelynn’s smoking the weed…this is more painful than the day America learned that Jimmy Swaggart WAS doing more than just preaching to that hooker in the cheap motel room in New Orleans. Our innocence is no more… :***(
Sybil Said,
Yaaaawwww smokin weeeeeeed on my front porch! Love the cross references, everyone!!
Leah's unapproved haircut Said,
No recap of last night’s debauchery???
Towelie Said,
“I don’t even know what’s goin’ on, man….”
your left ovary Said,
@Towelie “Not washcloth!”
Puffy Emerald Green Couch Said,
She was doing it for Carly!
Sybil Said,
@leahs unapproved haircut
A. Your post was funny!
2. Exactly! Why no recap of last night?
Anyone else wonder why only Farrah basically talks directly to the crew in every episode. She acts like she’s talking to Baby Goop, but she’s really just narrating for the crew.
Anytrash Said,
Has anyone seen the commercial for Farrah’s sauce? Omg. Freaking unreal.
roller skate training wheels Said,
When Care was telling the weight watchers lady how much she used to weigh I thought she said 150 lbs. Then when the scale said 154 I had to rewind I think she said 115
Amber's pill bottles Said,
Anytrash – yes, I saw the commercial! The symbolism of Trash Claw serving Grandma Candi italian sausages was too creepy!
Bricks...that is all Said,
That forehead…..wow.

Also, maybe she is just demo’ing what she caught Tyler doing with the mailman the other day? Or she thinks it’s a glass sex toy? Or….. Damn her forehead is huge. Where was I?
April's Broken Toliet Seat Said,
I’ve always thought that Tyler looked kinda stoned in previous episodes but MTV does such a editing job. Darnit! They also smoke cigarettes (newports, CLASSY!) but MTV fails to add that in their episodes.
your left ovary Said,
And wasn’t Cate saying that one of the conditions of Butchy-Poo moving into their house was “No drugs”?
Yay
Nick's Bong Said,
I want to know what Brandonteresa have to say about this!!!! They might as well kiss (but not with pot breath) iCarly goodbye for good.
4-head Said,
I bet Brandon & Theresa wish that Cate, Tyler and their moms would just go away and stop calling….that forehead is the size of Utah….
Leah's unapproved haircut Said,
Now it all makes sense!!! Cate can’t drop the “baby weight”: da’ munchies…….their insane love of pizza every damn day: da’ munchies… Now that we know they like da weed, they can continue their “illustrious” careers on either “Celebrity Rehab” or “Celebrity Fit Club” or both.
Anytrash Said,
@leah’s unapproved haircut – lol!!! Yes
Conspiracy Man Said,
I have never once thought that both of them were not stoned for every episode. What is the big surprise?
slappie jones Said,
@conspiracy man: because, in my opinion, they are always so goddamn self righteous! Hell yeah I was shocked to see Cate smoking the ganja! “We are going to MAKE something of ourselves for CARLY!” Ughhhh… I cant say I blame them because of the flaming trash heaps they were born into, but don’t come across all pious for the past how many years….
Conspiracy Man Said,
Slappie- That is an interesting perspective. I just always saw them as being really high all the time. I always thought that they were and were not really making too much of an effort to conceal it. MTV edited them to be saints and they never talked about their habits, but I always thought that it was pretty obvious.
slappie jones Said,
@conspiracy man: I probably am a little slow on the uptake. Lol. I do get the “creative editing ” aspect of reality tv shows. I guess I took all their scenes “do it for icarly” bs literally. We HAVE to graduate, it’s what carly would want! Butch, don’t do drugs in our trailer! April, stop drinking! It’s what Carly would want…the last thing Id expect is that they were druggies themselves. They came across (maybe only to me) as saints and martyrs…as well as immature. But, apparently I was WAY off the mark. I would have loved to be a fly on the wall the day someone pointed this pic of cate smoking to brandonandteresa. They probably both passed out!