This isn’t an open letter as much to Catelynn as it is to “The America,” the bong, a little bit to Catelynn and mainly to you. Look, I don’t really see what all the hoopla is about for Catelynn and that damn bong. Are drugs good for you? Most likely, no. I mean, I’m not a doctor or a scientist, but I am a scientific doctor and in chapter 1 of “So You’re a Doctor Now” they pretty much say that while drugs do put a little pep in your step it’s not so bueno for your cabeza. Plus, there’s that whole frying pan and egg drug commercial from the 80’s that always made me want breakfast and, well, pretty much made IHOP what it is today. Anyway, so Cate took an alleged hit from the bong. So what? Isn’t this why she pretty much sold her baby to some white-folk in the hospital parking lot? They “placed” their baby into another life so they could finish school, get their braces off, move into a trailer, and do drugs. Personally I think it’s a victory for Catelynn. At least it explains why she couldn’t get the baby weight off after 3 years and was always filming scenes at the damn diner with bacon grease shellacked all over her fingers and T-Boz combover.
This chick pulled an “Irish Goodbye” on her baby and wanted to live the American Dream. She collected enough money from MTV to practically buy the entire trailer park and still have enough left over to Lemon-Pledge her wood paneling, which really pops in the background of this here photo. What the hell else is she supposed to do with that money? Sure if it were me I would be using it for your standard forehead reduction surgery, but that’s just me. I dream big. Also, Oprah makes me dream big…you know, by law and junk. Truth be told, I think it’s high time (see what I did there? high-five. See what I just did there too?) that Cate takes part in a little drug action. First off, I’m sure Dr. Drew sold the drugs to her so she could seamlessly transition over to his Celebrity Rehab show. She can carpool with April, Butch, Amber, Jenelle, Kieffer, Farrah (pre-boobs) and the rest of the Knocked-Up-Brigade (KUB). Second of all, whilst high she can pretend to sympathize with Tyler for not being able to get it up. I am simply too high to do sex to you. Forget the fact that she looks like Husky Kitty. It’s the drugs. Third of all, she needs to start numbing some pain and numbing it fast. I mean, she’s forced to look at the hole in the bathroom wall that her mother’s head created when Butch played Extreme Makeover: Home Edition with her melon. That can’t be easy to look at every time you have to go #2. I can imagine.
To be honest, do we even know if Catelynn smoked out of the bong? Perhaps she was using it to try and contact Butch in the slammer, you know, the same way that the mayor of Gotham flashes that light to get Batman’s attention via the sky? Same/same. Maybe she forgot that she sold iCarly and was simply looking for her in the bong like she was that pain-in-the-ass Baby Jessica at the bottom of that pesky well? With any luck she mistook the bong for a curling iron and was finally going to curl her bangs to hide a good 3-4 feet of that forehead. It’s quite possible April gives her beauty tips like that (You know I still love ya kid!).
At the end of the day, you’re wearing rolled up (too tight) dungarees, sitting on a puffy emerald green suede couch with wood paneling behind you, in a double-wide trailer, on a dirt road, and you’re hitting the bong. What. In. The. Hell. Else. Are. You. Supposed. To. Do. This is exactly how you behave in a trailer. In fact, I think it’s part of the admission process. “Do you have job? No. Can you smoke on a puffy couch? Yes. Great, you’re in. Now you owe us $700 for the trailer…over the next 30 years. “ Catelynn didn’t side-eye Teresa and Brandon for nothing 3 years ago. She did it so she can be a kid and make bad decisions….and do it all without having a human to take care of. Look at Farrah. She wanted to learn how to make English Muffin Pizza’s in college and she had to ship her baby across the country because she couldn’t handle it. Look at Amber. I mean. No words. But you get the point. Catelynn is allowed to smoke it if she got it. Sure, not by law. But maybe if she has glaucoma she can. I don’t know. I read that somewhere before. I think that’s why Dionne Warwick is high all the time.
In closing, you better hop on your Ouija Board to get in touch with Brandon and Teresa because you know you’re totally dead to them now. And what do ya know, suddenly April is turning into quite the responsible lady. She just slams Twisted Teas, but at least that’s legal. However, I have a feeling that this will end the same exact way as the last episode of Seinfeld, with Catelynn, Tyler, Butch and April all sitting in a jail cell together looking at each other for the rest of their lives. But, you know, with more forehead and rat-tails.