I’ve been in the stunned position since Wednesday night after seeing Mama’s forklift foot. We’ll get to that in a minute. But first we must start with the “Who’s the Boss…to be continued” episode where we get to learn if 17 year old Chickadee shot a fetus out of her biscuit. Unfortunately, even with all the pain that was going right down to her va-jay-jay, Chickadee was able to keep the future scholar inside of her just a little bit longer. Since the camera crew wasn’t allowed to film inside the hospital (which I assumed was actually just a taco stand on the side of the highway with a toy stethoscope), Mama used her 1997 flip-phone to document as much of this as she could. It was like a classic episode of 16 & Pregnant, but the only thing that was missing was the teenage girl vomiting over the side of the bed and crying. Ah those were simpler times. Seriously, Chickadee looks like an 11 year old trying to give birth. I mean, toughen up. Besides, you want to know what my sister was busy doing when she was only 17 years old? Getting her braces off. Keep your legs closed, youth!
Honey Boo Boo herself has decided she wants to have thousands and thousands of children and then starts to get tripped up whilst counting up to 30. I’m sure many of you were laughing, but I was cheering her on to get to 31. I mean, if she can count that high I feel like she has a 70/30 shot at being mentally stable enough to take her birth control every day. Like Oprah instructs, I dream big. Speaking of fat asses, “The Sugars” are all taking the time for their final weigh in. Bus driver move that bus because I can’t wait to see Mama back to her birth weight, hovering around 255. Pumpkin had a goal of gaining more weight and closing out the summer at 250 lbs. Sadly she only gained 6 lbs so she tipped the scales at 172. Petite. Now it’s Mama’s turn. You knew it wasn’t going to go well when she didn’t even remove her 1984 white Keds for the weigh-in. She did, however, lose 1.6 lbs so she thinks it’s a great start. I agree. 1.6 lbs today and maybe 2.4 lbs by the holidays. You don’t want to go too crazy before the holidays especially since seat belt extenders do really make great stocking stuffers for “the fats.”
Since everyone did so good missing their weight loss goals, Mama decides to reward everyone by taking them to a water park. “Rejoice!” yelled the parasites waiting in the water. Is there really a place any more disgusting than a water park? Smelling those soggy wooden stairs that are about to break whilst obese Americans drip on it probably is the worst thing I can actually get my mind around. It was always a fun game to play while waiting in line to try and figure out who is dripping and who is just letting their urine loose right then and there. You could always win bonus points for shouting, “Gross! Who just got their period?!” That usually cleared the line and you got move right up to the front. Anyway, enough about me. Everyone is having fun at the water park. I don’t want to turn serious about this, but I thought it was interesting when Alana had on her life vest and said, “This life jacket makes me look like a chunky lemon.” And then Mama responded by saying, “It does. It makes you look beautiful.” She didn’t equate the word “chunky” with anything but beautiful and made sure Alana knew she still looked good. I think this is why I like Mama. She may be a horrible role model but at the same time she can actually be a decent role model. Also, that last sentence didn’t make any sense, yet I’m ok with it and just moving on.
Everyone looks great at the water park. Also, I lie. Mama is wearing what I can only assume is a tarp that you cover firewood with in the forest. They kick things off by floating in the lazy (American) river. Watching them was like watching a diabetes stew simmer. Did you know it’s not true that a watched pot never boils? Just thought I would share that. After the kids try to get the tube off of Mama (think a champagne cork exploding) it’s time for Mama to head down a giant water slide. Of course it took two grown men to get her on the raft and then push her down the slide like they were fighting zombie attacks. And then it’s time for the moment we’ve all been waiting for. Let me type that again. It’s time for the moment we’ve all been waiting for? The question mark really makes the difference. It’s time for Mama to show her forklift foot. I can’t even find the words to describe the horror. I will never be able to do it justice. All I know is that when she took off her sock (which she wore on all the water slides) legit flies came out of it. She’s basically like the non-cartoon version of Pig-Pen. After racking my brain for minutes this is the best way I can think of describing her foot/toe. It looked like Danny DeVito with a black eye.
In the end, the whole gang heads out to the Rock Star Pageant so Alana can get some more practice in. Is it just me or is she the Muppet Baby version of Anna Nicole Smith? Whilst she was walking the stage I was waiting for her to say, “You like mybooooody? You want somemoney? You want a viiiiiiper? Trim Spa, baby!” After the “beauty” portion it was time for Alana to dress like Elvis and then act like Elvis at the end of this life. I’m not sure what the dance moves were, what I was watching, or if I was dreaming any of this but someone must have saw something in Honey Boo Boo because she won the “Queen” title. But then she lost something called the “Grand Supreme?” I thought that was the leader of the KKK, but apparently I was wrong. Or maybe it’s the same because they are in the south after all.