It’s time for another episode of “The New America: One More Recession Away from a Third World Kountry Country.” Just when I thought I couldn’t love this show any more than I do, Honey Boo is sure to incorporate some of my 6th grade Spanish into the crapisode. It’s like Dora turned into a little white girl and got dumb real quick. Basically this is a dream come true, wrapped in a biscuit, and dipped into some Vagiggle Jaggle. It’s the new “ends meat!”
Ho Ho’s, Ho Ho’s, Ho Ho’s it’s Christmas in July! I mean, let’s be honest. If you think I’m going to believe that these trash bags even removed their Christmas decorations after the 1st of the year I’d be as dumb as Sugar Bear trying to find the toaster in the tree in a Highlights magazine. Either way, “The Sugars” are celebrating Christmas in July because apparently poor people need to fill up their jobless days with various activities that include “surges” and being electrocuted. By the way, you totally know that the word “surges” was on their rip-off Ziggy-Word-of-the-Day calendar because they kept using it over and over again. They used it almost as many times as Pumpkin got zapped whilst trying to string the lights. No one really wants to help “decorate” the front yard/train tracks so luckily there is a high-back leather chair always on the lawn to they can each take a rest and hold-still as many active calories as possible. Trying not to move is the real Christmas miracle.
However, Christmas is going to have to wait a few minutes because Alana needs to go to the local high school to practice her Elvis dance routine for the upcoming pageant. I was just as shocked as you that the local high school wasn’t just a red barn with hay stacks for desks and a cow with glasses teaching arithmetic. (Insert Alana’s yelling voice) “We’re learning long division today y’all!” Alana is royally F’ing up her dance routine the same way I assume Sugar Bear F’s up the family taxes. I’m kidding. I’m sure there is no need to file anything over $2500/year. The government probably just winks, nervously smiles and says, “No, no you keep it.” Regardless, Mama June is looking like a future GILF (see what I did there?) in her navy blue t-shirt that says, “Her Royal Highness” with an elegant cat embroidered across her Triple G’s. At first I thought it was one of those hot-dog dogs, but then realized it was just stretched. Hanes certainly doesn’t make a “husky” like they used to. As a side note, could Mama June be the sister of Francis from Pee Wee’s Big Adventure? I’m assuming you’re shaking your head “yes” at this very moment.
Later everyone is back to the “house” after we see quick shots of places like the “Kuntry Stoe” and the like. You know the builders were just like, “Eh, good enough” when they were constructing the sign. Honey Boo Boo is impressing us with her odd knowledge of the Spanish language by saying things like “Me gusta Glitzy” and “Me llamo es Alana.” Somewhere in a jail cell Selena’s killer is probably wishing she was on the outside so she could visit this whole family. Ay de mi! Also, bitty bitty bum bum. Moving on. Alana is also talking all sorts of ragtime by saying things like “me gusta door nut.” I have no clue what that means or why she’s speaking like a “valley girl” but at this point I’m just more interested in understanding why this family will most likely W2 3-times my salary by the end of 2012. It’s like the circle of life. Evidently it’s “the poors’” turn to win at life a little. Speaking of pigs getting the shaft, sadly Sugar Bear will be playing the role of Hitler and sending Glitzy back to the breeder since Mama can only take care of 5 pigs in one household and not 6. No one seems to care at all that Glitzy is peacing out of the shack, but Alana is shedding some tears of the pending slaughtering of Glitzy. At least TLC is providing us with a nice 80’s video montage of Glitzy in slow motion. I guess I can cross that off both my Christmas list and bucket list. I am, however, adding it to my Christmas Bucket, so you do the math. The whole family waves goodbye in their family interview…like they actually think that Glitzy is sitting at home with his feet up watching this with a laptop on his lap? I mean, I’m the only pig doing that. Hey-oh! #PigJokesAreAlwaysEasy #AsArePigs #As #Are #Pigs
Later, to take their mind off Glitzy being sent to the Electric Chair the whole family spends the day with “Crazy Tony.” They call him “Crazy Tony” because his name is Tony and he’s crazy. Did you not get that? While with CT they get to do fun and normal things like being strung up upside down from a tree all whilst being pulled by a 4-Wheeler and being dragged across a shallow mud pit on a tube whilst going 50 mph only to be thrown off and scrapped across the ground. Now at least the the skid marks aren’t only in their underwear. Meanwhile, CT enjoys riding his 4-Wheeler with one foot, standing on his 4-Wheeler whilst riding it up the street and, of course, getting thrown from his 4-Wheeler and landing in a ditch all whilst the 4-Wheeler lands on top of him. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I’m pretty sure this is a standard job interview test in certain parts of Georgia. Everyone squeals with delight in the mud pits as a subliminal shout-out to Glitzy. Even June gets in on the fun by having two grown men tackle her and drag her into the swamp. I guess now we have a little glimpse into how all “them youngins” were conceived. Romantic.
Finally it’s time for the Christmas in July “celebration.” Sugar Bear, of course, will be dressing up as Santa Claus and luckily he has 3 different Santa suits to choose from. Ooo la la they must be the talk of the town! Sugar Bear chooses the Santa suit that he claims “smells like a chain smoking goat.” That would be somewhat offensive except for the fact that I’m almost certain the local goat does in fact chain smoke Misty 120’s in that exact Santa suit. Mama June lets us know that people in “the town” call Sugar Bear “Shorty Claus” because Sugar Bear is basically a wee little man and can’t find Santa pants that fit him. #WhitePeopleProblems. P.S., I won’t ever give up on hash tag jokes. Also, if Sugar Bear is “Shorty Claus” June is clearly MILFY Claus. She can temporarily take that title from Gary’s mom, Carol, from Teen Mom. You know the one. Personally I liked how once Sugar Bear was dressed as Santa and sitting on the front lawn he just kept saying “Merry Christmas in July” but then instead of laughing like Santa he kinda just giggled like a school girl in heat. I miss Glitzy. All the local poor kids came over to drop off a canned good for charity (aka Chickadee’s town baby shower) and sit on Santa’s lap to tell him what they wanted for Christmas. Alana was sure to tell Santa she wanted an iPhone and an iPad. So basically she wants anything “apple” but that isn’t edible. Cool. By the time all the kids were done making their demands on Santa the train breezed by just on time. It was like the Polar Express for “the poors” and I loved every minute of it.
In the end, Chicadee starts going into potential labor right there in the living room and an ambulance has to come and take her to the hospital. As she’s crying in pain she tells Mama that she wants the baby out of her because the baby is “hurting her biscuit.” I mean. You think this baby is going to have it any easier, Chickadee? Look what she’s going to literally be born into. Just be grateful you’re not “birthing no baby” under the stairs in a cardboard box like June probably had to do. And, not for nothing, but she keeps saying she’s in pain. She’s 17. Is she sure it’s not just her wisdom teeth coming in?
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Episode Rating: 2 Kuntry Stoes with 2 June Mug Shot Bookends