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Honey Boo Boo Recap: Biscuits in July!
It’s time for another episode of “The New America: One More Recession Away from a Third World Kountry Country.” Just when I thought I couldn’t love this show any more than I do, Honey Boo is sure to incorporate some of my 6th grade Spanish into the crapisode. It’s like Dora turned into a little white girl and got dumb real quick. Basically this is a dream come true, wrapped in a biscuit, and dipped into some Vagiggle Jaggle. It’s the new “ends meat!”
Ho Ho’s, Ho Ho’s, Ho Ho’s it’s Christmas in July! I mean, let’s be honest. If you think I’m going to believe that these trash bags even removed their Christmas decorations after the 1st of the year I’d be as dumb as Sugar Bear trying to find the toaster in the tree in a Highlights magazine. Either way, “The Sugars” are celebrating Christmas in July because apparently poor people need to fill up their jobless days with various activities that include “surges” and being electrocuted. By the way, you totally know that the word “surges” was on their rip-off Ziggy-Word-of-the-Day calendar because they kept using it over and over again. They used it almost as many times as Pumpkin got zapped whilst trying to string the lights. No one really wants to help “decorate” the front yard/train tracks so luckily there is a high-back leather chair always on the lawn to they can each take a rest and hold-still as many active calories as possible. Trying not to move is the real Christmas miracle.
However, Christmas is going to have to wait a few minutes because Alana needs to go to the local high school to practice her Elvis dance routine for the upcoming pageant. I was just as shocked as you that the local high school wasn’t just a red barn with hay stacks for desks and a cow with glasses teaching arithmetic. (Insert Alana’s yelling voice) “We’re learning long division today y’all!” Alana is royally F’ing up her dance routine the same way I assume Sugar Bear F’s up the family taxes. I’m kidding. I’m sure there is no need to file anything over $2500/year. The government probably just winks, nervously smiles and says, “No, no you keep it.” Regardless, Mama June is looking like a future GILF (see what I did there?) in her navy blue t-shirt that says, “Her Royal Highness” with an elegant cat embroidered across her Triple G’s. At first I thought it was one of those hot-dog dogs, but then realized it was just stretched. Hanes certainly doesn’t make a “husky” like they used to. As a side note, could Mama June be the sister of Francis from Pee Wee’s Big Adventure? I’m assuming you’re shaking your head “yes” at this very moment.
Later everyone is back to the “house” after we see quick shots of places like the “Kuntry Stoe” and the like. You know the builders were just like, “Eh, good enough” when they were constructing the sign. Honey Boo Boo is impressing us with her odd knowledge of the Spanish language by saying things like “Me gusta Glitzy” and “Me llamo es Alana.” Somewhere in a jail cell Selena’s killer is probably wishing she was on the outside so she could visit this whole family. Ay de mi! Also, bitty bitty bum bum. Moving on. Alana is also talking all sorts of ragtime by saying things like “me gusta door nut.” I have no clue what that means or why she’s speaking like a “valley girl” but at this point I’m just more interested in understanding why this family will most likely W2 3-times my salary by the end of 2012. It’s like the circle of life. Evidently it’s “the poors’” turn to win at life a little. Speaking of pigs getting the shaft, sadly Sugar Bear will be playing the role of Hitler and sending Glitzy back to the breeder since Mama can only take care of 5 pigs in one household and not 6. No one seems to care at all that Glitzy is peacing out of the shack, but Alana is shedding some tears of the pending slaughtering of Glitzy. At least TLC is providing us with a nice 80’s video montage of Glitzy in slow motion. I guess I can cross that off both my Christmas list and bucket list. I am, however, adding it to my Christmas Bucket, so you do the math. The whole family waves goodbye in their family interview…like they actually think that Glitzy is sitting at home with his feet up watching this with a laptop on his lap? I mean, I’m the only pig doing that. Hey-oh! #PigJokesAreAlwaysEasy #AsArePigs #As #Are #Pigs
Later, to take their mind off Glitzy being sent to the Electric Chair the whole family spends the day with “Crazy Tony.” They call him “Crazy Tony” because his name is Tony and he’s crazy. Did you not get that? While with CT they get to do fun and normal things like being strung up upside down from a tree all whilst being pulled by a 4-Wheeler and being dragged across a shallow mud pit on a tube whilst going 50 mph only to be thrown off and scrapped across the ground. Now at least the the skid marks aren’t only in their underwear. Meanwhile, CT enjoys riding his 4-Wheeler with one foot, standing on his 4-Wheeler whilst riding it up the street and, of course, getting thrown from his 4-Wheeler and landing in a ditch all whilst the 4-Wheeler lands on top of him. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I’m pretty sure this is a standard job interview test in certain parts of Georgia. Everyone squeals with delight in the mud pits as a subliminal shout-out to Glitzy. Even June gets in on the fun by having two grown men tackle her and drag her into the swamp. I guess now we have a little glimpse into how all “them youngins” were conceived. Romantic.
Finally it’s time for the Christmas in July “celebration.” Sugar Bear, of course, will be dressing up as Santa Claus and luckily he has 3 different Santa suits to choose from. Ooo la la they must be the talk of the town! Sugar Bear chooses the Santa suit that he claims “smells like a chain smoking goat.” That would be somewhat offensive except for the fact that I’m almost certain the local goat does in fact chain smoke Misty 120’s in that exact Santa suit. Mama June lets us know that people in “the town” call Sugar Bear “Shorty Claus” because Sugar Bear is basically a wee little man and can’t find Santa pants that fit him. #WhitePeopleProblems. P.S., I won’t ever give up on hash tag jokes. Also, if Sugar Bear is “Shorty Claus” June is clearly MILFY Claus. She can temporarily take that title from Gary’s mom, Carol, from Teen Mom. You know the one. Personally I liked how once Sugar Bear was dressed as Santa and sitting on the front lawn he just kept saying “Merry Christmas in July” but then instead of laughing like Santa he kinda just giggled like a school girl in heat. I miss Glitzy. All the local poor kids came over to drop off a canned good for charity (aka Chickadee’s town baby shower) and sit on Santa’s lap to tell him what they wanted for Christmas. Alana was sure to tell Santa she wanted an iPhone and an iPad. So basically she wants anything “apple” but that isn’t edible. Cool. By the time all the kids were done making their demands on Santa the train breezed by just on time. It was like the Polar Express for “the poors” and I loved every minute of it.
In the end, Chicadee starts going into potential labor right there in the living room and an ambulance has to come and take her to the hospital. As she’s crying in pain she tells Mama that she wants the baby out of her because the baby is “hurting her biscuit.” I mean. You think this baby is going to have it any easier, Chickadee? Look what she’s going to literally be born into. Just be grateful you’re not “birthing no baby” under the stairs in a cardboard box like June probably had to do. And, not for nothing, but she keeps saying she’s in pain. She’s 17. Is she sure it’s not just her wisdom teeth coming in?
If you missed the recap of the 2nd episode last night click here to check out the Redneck Games!
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Episode Rating: 2 Kuntry Stoes with 2 June Mug Shot Bookends
Craptastic Thoughts from IBBB Readers!
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IBBB Said,
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Ole!
-IBBB
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QueenofCorona Said,
I love how they spent all that time setting up Chistmas in July for 12 measly canned goods…all of which were probably bought at “the auction”
My husband estimates that Sugar Daddy has chew in at least 4-5 areas of his mouth at any given time.
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June's Sweat in July Said,
Am I the only one that will anxiously record and watch next week’s show at the water park frame by frame just to see if I can catch a glimpse of the forklift foot?
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June's Biscuit Said,
it’s official, alana was a better mom to glitzy than amber is to leah. yep, i said it!
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Mama's Seasonal Allergies Said,
If Chickadee thinks her biscuit was hurting while the baby was still incubating, just wait til it gets out! Geez. On another note, I’m not so certain she actually referred to her gentleman greeter as a biscuit (even thought that was in the subtitles) in that scene because it was bleeped out. Kinda makes me think she used the ever-classy p-word instead. I dunno.
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Chain smoking goat Said,
I laughed when I read the part about June being dragged into the swamp.
I love ‘Kuntry Stoe’, I find myself saying that under my breath and sounding like a total redneck. Love it.
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brother and sister mole Said,
Did anyone else gag when she found the toenail clippings in her bed?? Blah!
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June's sexy forklift foot Said,
Sugar bear and his chaw sitting in one of his three Santa suits in the 100 degree heat to collect 12 cans of soup from the auction seemed strange but it all came together when he mentioned he smelled like oyster stew. Lovely.
Is anyone else deathly afraid of pumpkin?
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QueenofCorona Said,
I wanted to yell at the tv that Chickadee’s biscuit wouldn’t hurt if she’d been more careful about letting sausages and gravy around it.
And can they just tell Alana who Elvis really is.
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Literal dirty Santa Said,
Forklift foot, I would never meet Pumpkin in a dark alley. I’m afraid she would kill then eat me.
CT is literally insane. He could’ve died multiply times on camera.
Glad I wasn’t the only one who noticed the crap amount of donations they got. Sugar Bear looked like a total pedophile in that Santa suit.
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Glitzyforsupper Said,
I can’t wait for next week with Mama June at the waterpark – I’m envisioning Augustus Gloop in the chocolate tube
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June's Biscuit Said,
@ June’s Sweat in July – I am scared yet very excited to see the forklift foot. I hope it makes an appearance next week!
Pumpkin scares me. Seriously.
Does Alana think Elvis is an elf because of his name? I mean how else would she get it in her head that he is an elf?! lol. I can just picture Elvis in his white jumpsuit thing making toys with Santa up at the north pole.
Me gusta IBBB!
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Glitzy Gone Wild Said,
Some random Sugar Bear observations:
1) As if we had any doubts, it was good to catch a glimpse of his tightie whities under the Santa pants.
2) How short is he really if June is 6-7 inches taller? Or how Amazonian is June?
3) When Alana was bawling about Glitzy, he looked legit asleep right next to her. Heart of gold he has.
4) I wonder what hours he works if he works 7 days a week yet can still go 4 wheeling, auction shopping, etc. Just curious really.
5) He and I are the same age. The same age! Silly me, I am still high lighting my hair and brushing my teeth. Who knew I could’ve started the death process already?
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Bricks...that is all Said,
Elves, Elvis. Same same. I love it. Christmas in July is awesome, Sugar Bear as Santa is not. I almost barfed in my elf suit…or is it Elvis suit??? Crap, now even I’m confused!! I’m gonna go sit on some train tracks and figure this out…
Also, I would love for Farrah to come live with Alana and fam. I feel like they’d whip her into shape.
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$1 make me hollar, $2 Sucky, Sucky Said,
I have officially given up “date night” with the hubby to get my sugar bear fix. This show is just too much. Nothing and I mean nothing can tear me away from it.
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Redneckognize Said,
Christmas in July was such a success! 4 cans of food and a plastic ball! Woo!
@Mama’s Seasonal Allergies: I also believe that Chickadee didn’t really say “biscuit”. Classy.
And seriously, what is with all the swearing? I mean, I’ve got a mouth like a sailor, but I rein it in around kids. Plus, nothing makes you sound more intelligent than a few well-placed f-bombs.
@Glitzy Gone Wild: My husband and I were also wondering about Sugar Bear’s 7 day a week “job”. Maybe he works like 2 hours a day? Do we know what he does for a “living”? -
Gary's Missing Neck Said,
Wifeswap June for Trashclaw! Then Chickadee’s baby can rock a Sucky and smack random people while her “gamma” tells her how much she looovveeesss her baaabbbyyy gggoooooooo! And put that trashclaw to good use out by the train tracks…
Also: “They call him “Crazy Tony” because his name is Tony and he’s crazy.” This just makes me laugh out loud.
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Social Working Said,
I watched the ep on youtube (this poor doesn’t have cable) and they didn’t bleep out what chickadee said, which sounded like biscuit.
On another note- I wasn’t paying close enough attention and wasn’t sure who was playing Santa because it seemed like Sugar was much more clear sounding with the beard on. I was like “who is this articulate gentleman under that suit?!”
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Social Working Said,
Duh I just realized it was ’cause he didn’t have dip in his mouth! At least he kept it classy for the children.
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Social Working Said,
One more thing- I retract my first statement about her saying biscuit. I’ll admit I went back and watched that scene and they DID bleep it but they tricked my mind because mama’s subtitle said “biscuit”. Now I agree… the P word.
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April's Meth Mouth Said,
I want to send June a box of Zyrtec for all of the sneezing & maybe some Gas-X, oh and slim fast. I long to see her Forklift foot as well, however, as mentioned above feel nervous yet excited all at once..
Can we discuss June’s “neck crust?” Why doesn’t she scrape out that cheese, put a little hydrogen peroxide in the folds & vow to take care of it on a go forward..before the rolls just grow together? I imagine the smell would be a combination of boiling cabbage with the scrapings from horse hooves..
That’s all.
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Go Directly to Gel Said,
Looks like we may get a glimpse of forklift foot next week! Just saw a promo with June taking her sock off with the voiceover “Mama’s big reveal!” I hope they’re not misleading us.
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Isaac's Giant Sneakers Said,
Perhaps my perspective is totally effed up by Teen Mom but this seems like a decent family unit, no? Have I lost all touch with reality?
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Spare Santa Suits Said,
Spoiler Alert–(This is a fact, folks . . . )
June’s grandbaby girl, Kaitlynn, was born with three thumbs.
She commented about this in social media after tabloid reports. The family does NOT joke about the extra thumb, June stated, instead they have “embraced it.”
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alwayssunny Said,
i’m glad they’ve “embraced it” have they considered “removing it?”
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The new ends' meat Said,
Holy Hicksville hell!! I must stop to note that typing “hickville” into an iPhone will automatically correct it to Hicksville. Thank goodness those astute folks at Apple know their customer base well. And while the customers are technically either the taxpayers in America or desperate cable channels displaying the finest trashbags in our nation.. Well I lost my train of thought but either way it’s damned patriotic. Who loves this kuntry??
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The new ends' meat Said,
Oh yeah, what’s going on in that last picture? Is that June? What possibly could have smelled so bad in THAT place that she threw on her best bitch model face (soften your features, otherwise you’ll look tranny. Thanks, Tyra) and simultaneously shrunk to that goal weight of a deuce point five?
I don’t actually watch TV anymore now that I’m a Patrick junkie. Just one more hit, please? Don’t cancel this TLC! My learnin’s goin’ real good
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The new ends' meat Said,
Only other thought was it is pumpkin but jeez, if that isn’t Mama showing off that youth (I’m 21 and she’s younger than my boyfriend) the. 12-year-old squash is on a bad track to white trash happily ever after.
also, THREE THUMBS?? Where is the extra one? It’d be fkn cool if it was on the outside of the hand like an uber grip! I have some questions though, since I originally read it “born with only three thumbs” meaning no other fingers. Is this an extra digit? Is there one less regular finger to compensate? Did she kill Inigo Montoya’s father? Prepare to die, baby Kaitlynn (or however the hell teen mom jr. edition spelled it). I’m out! Drained this phone battery on IBBB. olé!
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The new "ends meat" Said,
By the way, Patrick, I am ECSTATIC that you brought back the ends meat joke. That shit was priceless, and everyone in the comments who thought the same thing.. Great minds, compadres, great minds.
June just has scary pumpkin eyes in that pic. She looks hot when she’s half behind a wood paneled door and about a quarter of her usual jolly jiggly self. Hot. She must turn on the “mama means business!” ‘tude when picking up fellas at the local swamp/sweepstakes/honkey-tonk. God I wanna move here. I’ll live on the “good side” of the Sugars’ Mr. Rogers-esque backyard train. This show is too much! Too. Much.
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Junes Neckcrust Said,
I heard about the grand baby with the extra thumb also
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Leslie Said,
This family is just gross. No other way to define them or TLC for turning this outrageous group into a weekly series.
To suggest that June is the “real deal” because she “embraces” who she is and what she represents is so off the mark.
She’s a slob. A disgusting belching, farting, overfed, scratching, lazy illiterate without one redeemable value to offer.
Four kids born out of wedlock. a grandmother at 32, a foul mouthed cretin surrounded by spawn who are on the same path to cretinhood and a lifetime of generations adopting the same way of life.
Praising, celebrating, or supporting these people is reducing the culture to such lows that it is indefensible.
They are like a “lost tribe” that has been found living amongst us rather than viewing them for the fools they are.
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Karen Said,
bitty bitty bum bum…bwwwwhahahahahahahaha
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Justlikehoneybooboo Said,
I loved when Mama June sat on Sugar Bear’s lap and Sugar Bear said he couldn’t feel his feet. I bet that hurt worse than Chickadee’s biscuit during labor.
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SnarkySmurf Said,
I’m convinced that the house they live/film in is not really their house. People “like this” live in squalor, hoarding crap and spreading it from one end of the home to the other. The Boo Boos house is neat as a pin, and they seem to own not a damn thing except for all of Honey’s trophies and pageant dresses. Seriously, the other girls have NO POSSESSIONS in their room!
My guess, the TLC crew showed up to start shooting in their real home, realized it would be a ‘no no- horror show’ for the American viewers, and set up shop for the Boos in another location, thus avoiding child custody from seizing the children.
Also, I don’t think Sugar Bear lives with them in ‘the reality’ either… but again, TLC realized Honey would need a present, um, father figure (?) in order to not freak out the viewers, so Sugar Bear, being the great character that he is, is around during filming.
Just my 2 cents, and A DOLLAH TO MAKE ME HOLLAH!!!
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The new "ends meat" Said,
Leslie, just to respond, you make good points since the way the Sugars live does not exemplify typical American standards or values. It’s a mess, watching it from a position beyond their own. But it DOES represent a legitimate sociological subset! People like this exist, and I don’t argue with your point that they shouldn’t be lauded for owning their filthy lifestyle, but perhaps they are truly comfortable and happy living like that; there’s enough of “the poors” like them to justify daily episodes of Maury, Jerry Springer, etc.
For some reason those shows just fascinate me. I can’t cut them out of my life now!
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Leslie Said,
“ends meat”: I understand your comment but I am unable to see the point of turning them into “stars”. There is nothing redeemable about watching a family this lacking in values which also includes hygiene.
June has 4 kids by 4 different men. The oldest daughter is about to become a mother herself at the age of 16. They can barely speak English and require a “translation” throughout their scenes.
They are seriously overweight, they are filmed shoving food into their mouths, a degree of exercise seems to be missing, and their focus is on beauty pagents that costs an arm and leg when it is pretty evident they are on some form of government subsidy.
They allow themselves to be presented as a joke either because they don’t know any better, or because they are pursuing money at any cost. Either way it says little in their favor if what they are presenting as “entertainment” is built around farting, belching, scratching, neck crust, and smelly feet.
I watched a mere 15 minutes of this broadcast and had to turn it off. It was offensive.
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PuffyLeatherGentlemanGreeter Said,
It’s a forklift foot, not smelly feet. Gawd.
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Spare Santa Suit Said,
SnarkySmurf—You make a good point. The house is small for that many people and surprisingly neat as a pin . . . the hoard of coupon loot on display is all “exactly” the same brand of paper towels & toilet paper. That doesn’t make sense to me either. And where is all the other tons of coupon products being stored–as well as the basics of everyday life. The living situation is suspect–likely chosen for the charming train-yard location??
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April's Broken Toliet Seat Said,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do recaps on Abby & Brittany (comjoined twins or just a girl with 2 heads?) The series premiere is tomorrow at 9pm EST On TLC!
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Kate Said,
As much as I love the IBBB snark, I don’t think I could enjoy a recap of the Abby & Brittney show. Unlike all the trash bags of Honey Boo Boo, Teen Mom, & Real Housewives fame, Abby & Brittney are not at all responsible for their unique situation. They can’t help the way they were born, & shouldn’t be ridiculed for getting out there & living life to the fullest regardless of their circumstances. To be honest, based on what I’ve seen of them from promos for this show and their previous TV specials, they could teach our beloved trash bags a few things about life.
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T*ts on a stick Said,
SnarkySmurf, I wondered the same thing about their house. They’ve got that brown couch they are always laying all over and climbing on and June sits in that purplish chair for TH’s, but then they get the whole family together on a totally different couch in a different room. Do they have 2 living rooms? That house doesn’t look big enough.
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June's Sweat in July Said,
I didn’t watch the episode of Toddlers, Trashbags and Tiaras that featured June and Alana. What house did they live in on that episode?
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SnarkySmurf Said,
@ June’s Sweat… that’s a good call… I didn’t see that Tiaras episode either though!
@ T*ts (!) Good call also… that house is definitely not big enough for two sitting rooms. In fact, from the outside the house looks like it would only have about three rooms inside.
@ Spare Santa.. Totally… it’s like the house is just a spare pantry for her coupon goods.
I (we!) thus conclude that the house is a set, and Lord knows what they’re actually living in. (*shudder)
Anyone else see this Daily Mail article? That poor baby.
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Spare Santa Suits Said,
Reference the Daily Mail article above–thanks for the link. Poor baby Kaitlynn. These girls are not even bright enough to be half wits. Pathetic.
As said by others, Punkin scares me . . .
Still, in my mind set, they are on par with the Kardashians–fame whores, one and all.
Please don’t recap Abby & Brittany . . . they are too good for snark.
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junewannabe Said,
why can’t sugar bear be my babies daddy, sooooooo jealous!!
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PuffyLeatherGentlemanGreeter Said,
On Trash bags and Tiaras they had the same house. I agree with the pp, don’t recap Abby and Brittany. I enjoy these recaps as much as the next fat person, but I draw the line at recapping that show.
