Teen Mom Recap: The One Where Leah Wishes She Was Carly

teen-mom-gary-pushed-allll-the-way-back amber-mr-magoo teen-mom-poor-leah-literally

Well we’re almost done with this Teen Mom series which means that you’ll have to go back to actually paying attention to your own dumb kids and I should probably start reading books or something.  I’m kidding I would never do that.  Once I finally found Waldo I gave up “the books” for hundreds of thousands of hours of television on the regular.  Speaking of finding Waldo, click here to join me on Facebook and help me look for teenage mothers in trouble.

Amber – After 200 seasons Amber has finally realized that cameras are on her so she’s calling up Gary to see if she can come over and see his new house and she’s trying to be as nice to him as she can.  I’m not entirely sure if that’s true as my sister texted me immediately to let me know that Amber looked like Bjork with her white knit hat on.  I spent the next few moments squealing with delight like Gary most likely did when his MILF used to let him frolic in the mud.  Speaking of MILFs with prison glasses, Carol is going to watch Leah for a little while so that Amber can head over to Gary’s new home to figure out how in the world he’s able to afford a place like this after moving out of the ski chalet.  They both agree to some ground rules before they meet, which consist of “no fighting.”  Why they didn’t add a second ground rule of “no overeating” is beyond me and, well, un-American.  I jest.   Overeating is overly American. You’re welcome, Canada.  Once Amber makes it over to the new house she immediately curls up on the end of the puffy leather couch and starts to close her eyes.  Walking through a house can be tiring, especially for obesity on wheels.  Apparently Leah is starting “school” soon and Gary is asking Amber for some money to help pay for it, but Amber starts barking that she can’t afford to give him money because she had to pay her lawyer.  Remember when your mom couldn’t pay for your schooling because all the “education money” went to the lawyer to help keep her out of “gel?”  Yeah, me too.  Amber starts to cry a bit over this, but I’m confused about why this is so expensive (‘Spensive!).  I mean from all the commercials I’ve been seeing lately I’m pretty sure all you need is:  Pencils.  Hair gel.  Binders.

It’s time for Gary to bust out his portable seat-belt extenders and exercise is feet because he must take Leah to her first day of school.  In order for Gary to not be crushed by the steering wheel he must push his seat all the way back as far as it can go.  Hell, he might as well just drive from Leah’s car seat.  It’s great seeing Gar getting into shape by taking both left and right turns.  I’m pretty sure I saw him breaking a sweat when he was pulling into the parking lot.  Speed bumps are not his friend.  I did, however, love looking at the beautiful Indiana scenery in the background as Gary drove around town.  Having trailers parked anywhere else but on front lawns is just plain old stupid and, well, un-American.  Gary has to drop off Leah and then Amber is going to have to pick her up.  Gary should have just waited in the parking lot because I’m sure Leah is declaring Jihad on her classroom and kicking as many kids down the stairs and calling them “fat ass” as much as possible.  I bet she performs beautifully at nap time.  She learned that from Momma.  Amber ends up driving to pick up Leah and I was unable to tell if she was actually awake during the drive.  Perhaps her tarantula eyelashes synthesized and became one?  Amby-Pants is legit like Mr. Magoo trying to drive to Leah’s school.  Maybe once she arrives she can get that pesky GED while she’s at it?

After Amber picks up Leah and learns that she played with her red alligator all day (that’s “learning” where they’re from) it’s time to cart her back over to Gary’s House of Bottomless Pancakes.  Seriously, Leah spends more time in a car than a New York taxi driver.  Ironically, that will most likely be her career path.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.  Beep.  Per usual in Amber’s voice-over she’s sure to tell us about that damn “no contact” order and the vandalism that took place being the reason why Leah can’t sleep over at her house.  We get it.  You’re an unfit mother and the neighbors just wanted to reiterate that with you via spray paint.  Let’s move on.  I have to admit, once Leah was back at Gary’s it actually got pretty sad.  When Amber said she had to leave, Leah started throwing a fit and crying and crawling quickly towards her to keep her from leaving.  Even Gary got in on the fun by crawling around behind Leah.  Someone shove a Bayer aspirin under his tongue, STAT!  Leah just kept crying and saying to Amber “please wait, please wait!” Thank God there were sub-titles because at first I thought she was giving Gary the side-eye and saying “overweight, overweight!”  She then hugs Amber and says, “I need you.”  Seriously?  Sad.  I mean, I’m sure MTV edited out the next sentence which was, “I need you…to take off those eyelashes and kick Gary’s TV down the stairs because my legs are too little to do so.”  But, still, it really struck a chord on old IBBB’s blackened heart.  Amber ends up leaving and Leah just literally howls for another 3 minutes.  She sounds like a dog that’s been shot, hollowed out, and used as a stuffed-animal drug mule.  You get the point. It was sad.  I think Amber was even surprised that Leah gave a crap about her and/or fully knew who she was.  I’m not a child psychologist (although I am) but none of this can be good for little Leah.  Poor kid.  Literally.

All of this was so painful for Amber and her face piercings that the “next day” she and Gary discuss giving him full custody of Leah so that pesky “no contact order” can finally be removed and they can all eat KFC right out of the bucket again, together, like a true family.  Seriously, how is this even close to an option?  I mean, once the filming ended they could have totally snuck around and hung out together.  It worked swimmingly for Butch and April so I’m sure it would have worked for them.  Later Amber’s mom, Tonya, comes over to shake and freak and let Amber know that she spoke to their “family attorney” about the possibility of Gary getting full legal custody.  Family attorney?  Yeah, I’m sure Tonya did a couple of lines off her wood panel coffee table and then shook her Magic 8-Ball.  Gary getting full custody?  Ask again later.  Anycoke, Amber ends up screaming at Tonya for, you know, speaking, and they both get into a fight over the use of the word “people.”  I sh*t you not.  Tonya hustles out of Amber’s insane asylum and mockingly says, “I love you too Amber.”  I think it’s time to shake the Magic 8-Ball again to see how many years of that prison sentence Amber is really going to have to serve.  I think she thinks this is like an all expense paid all-inclusive Sandals vacation.  And you know what?  She will be wearing sandals in prison so, well, same/same.  Also, she’ll be flashing boobs and box for a pack of Virginia Slims.

In the end, Gary chats up Amber via the phone, but can barely hear her so he tells her she sounds like a big water buffalo.  Ugh, food is always on his mind.  Seriously, how Amber didn’t shoot her gun directly at her phone after that comment is a pure miracle and a sure sign that she’s cured (like the ham Gar Bear is currently heating up…for breakfast).  Gary tells Amber that he thinks him having full custody of Leah is still a good idea and that Amber needs to get her depression under control.  Amber reacts like she has no clue what he’s talking about and is perfectly fine.  Of course she also starts screaming at him stating that she was the one who had to go to rehab and “gel”  and no one else had to do anything.  Gary hangs up the phone because he claims he doesn’t want to do this with her…but something tells me it was just his arm getting tired.  Pencils.  Hair gel.  Binders.

Catelynn – Everyone is still chomping at the bit to go to Saturn and visit iCarly, Brandon, and Teresa.  This time around it’s Kim who is all up in arms about not being able to meet her.  She claims she doesn’t have the patience to keep on waiting.  What’s the big deal?  Doesn’t she have like 6 other grandkids from her daughter?  Plus, I’m pretty sure that iCarly just went out for a pack of smokes and a carton of milk and she’ll be back in time for dinner (which is probably Hamburger Helper and Jello cup).  Why doesn’t she just adopt Butch and call it a day?  She can braid his rat tail and pretend he’s My Little Pony.  When in actuality he’s My Little Butchy.  My Little Butchy, dream Butchy, I love to brush his beautiful mullet.  What a beautiful song.  I just wept a little.  Or peed my pants.  Either way I ended up wet.

Catelynn and her forehead decide that since everyone wants to meet iCarly (like that will ever happen) then she should call up Dawn at the adoption agency and see if she’ll take a meeting with April, Kim, and the rest of the Bad News Bears.  But first she’s going to have to see if April is willing to put down the Twisted Teas for five and take a break from repairing the hole in the bathroom wall to meet with her.  Son of a Butch and Husky Kitty end up going to that diner that just has a banner for a sign and meet up with April to discuss this whole “Dawn meeting.”  Shockingly April has passed her 30 days of being sober and is well on her way to 60 days.  Dare I say she’s even looking much better?  She is less Skeletor looking and more like a 55 year old woman who is only really 34.  She’s easy, breezy, beautiful and even her shiny forehead is saying, “Booze who?  I’m here for iCarly…but if you have any booze I’ll surely take it.”  April is even being the voice of reason when they’re discussing Kim being upset over not being able to see iCarly by saying, “Well Carly isn’t ours.”  Someone sounds like they’re ready to take their GED STAT so someone pass April a Scantron and a #2 pencil.  Pencils.  Hair gel.  Binders.

The “next day” Dawn shows up to  Kim’s trailer to meet with everyone and explain for the 10th time that Brandon and Teresa think iCarly can get rabies if she were to meet any of them.  I love how Dawn tries to pretend she’s so comfortable in the trailer, but you totally know she’s going to strip naked and burn her clothes the second she steps outside.  She’ll just drive home in the nude with all the windows down so the air can cleanse her of poverty and memories of bad teeth.  Dawn explains to Kim and April that Brandon and Teresa have agreed to having a relationship with Son of a Butch and Husky Kitty and doesn’t currently want the grandparents involved in their lives.  I mean, why she wouldn’t want a coke-addicted incarcerated grandfather who likes to beat women and a grandmother who pisses Twisted Tea on the regular involved in iCarly’s life is a true mystery of life.  I have 5 words for you:  Prostitot.

In the end, it actually ends up being April who truly understands this situation and is more upset at the way she acted during all of the adoption process than anything else.  I tell ya, April has a good forehead on her shoulders when she isn’t knee deep in the sauce.  Kim looks like she thinks she’s on an old episode of Sally Jesse Raphael and is waiting for Dawn to be like, “I’m just kidding.  Carly, get your ass out here!” and then Carly walks into the trailer whilst the audience applauds.  Kim also is still on Cloud Nine from that compliment Dawn gave her about her new hairdo.  Good old Kim. Friend ’til the end.  Anytrash, they all end up hugging Dawn and wondering why they’re all still on this show.  As am I.  As. Am. I.

Farrah – It’s the day after the big “break up” between Miss Gulch and Daniel and Farrah is sure to vent to Debra and the camera crew so she can tell her side of the made up story.  She makes it seem like she has no clue why Daniel would not want to date her anymore since she is such a wonderful and calm person sans attitude.  Debra is sure to chime in and let Farrah know that he shows  signs of needing anger management.  She’s like, “Oh Farrah (in the baby voice) that sounds like anger management.”  I mean, Debra would know the signs.  She should have been like (more baby voice), “Did he punch Mama’s teeth out or grab the butcher knives and try to kill Mama or baby?  Did Baby Goop cry and say ‘boo hoo’ I miss my Gramma?”  Seriously, how this entire family didn’t end up as a newsworthy murder-suicide is mind boggling to me.

The next day Farrah is spending as much time as she can with Baby Goop because Debra will be taking her back home with her for a month so Farrah can spend more time haunting other peoples lives and practicing making English Muffin Pizzas for her final.  She takes Goop to the park to play and enters the playground with her dog even though there is a giant sign that says, “No Dogs Allowed.”  Farrah makes a comment that she’s sure someone will b*tch about the dog being in there.  Uh, ya think?  She is the worst.  She has this sense of entitlement that drives me insane.  She must be from the generation where every kid got a trophy even when they didn’t win and score was never kept during any sporting event because “we’re just having fun!”  No, keep score.  There are winners and there are losers.  If you lost, practice harder and eventually you might win.  Or you just might not win at all.  Ever.  Simple as that.  And if you don’t win you definitely aren’t getting a trophy because trophies aren’t for losers.  When stuff like that happens you end up getting a “Farrah” later in  life.  You’re welcome.

It’s the last night that Farrah and Sophia are spending together before Goop is shipped off to Stabby McWho’s House of Knives so she’s sure to sit on the toilet for a while so that Farrah can take a sandblaster to her facia bruta in order to remove the makeup.  It’s actually pretty sad, I think.  It’s not like she’s “visiting Grandma” for a week.  It’s a month, which is like 10 years for a little kid.  Speaking of this, do any of these teen moms currently have their kids at this moment?  I don’t count Maci for obvious reasons that are clear to albino cartoon bulldogs with 2nd grade reading levels and first grade attention spans.  Anygulch, the next day Farrah wakes up Goop at the crack of dawn so she and Debra can get to the airport on time and fly out of their lives for a hot minute.  Farrah says her goodbyes to Debra, her trash claw, and Baby Goop and then it’s back to “cruising for D” for Farrah.  I hope she find some.  It does wonders for her personality.

Maci – Was there.

Well folks we have only one crapisode left of Teen Mom until it’s retired to the Disney Vault for good.  Join me on my Facebook page so we can spend this special time together while we can.

Episode Rating: 3 1/2 Puffy Leather Couches That Gary Uses as 1 Bed



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  2. Rehab Swing says:

    OMG you have to stop of the pictures of Amber and her look-a-likes! Bahahaha. I didn’t know which one she was there for a second! I wonder if she really understands signing over all her rights… she just looks like she’s in a drug induced stupor (like usual). I did love how she flipped a biscuit on Gary when he said she needed to get her depression under control and she said none of them went to rehab. Yeah, none of them got a Malibu vacation in the sunshine and got to swing all day long.

    It’s cute and all how Farrah acts like she’ll miss Baby Goo but we all know she won’t. I LOVED the part where Baby Goo flat out smacked her and she just played it off. Not like Farrah. Must have been drunk.

    Cate… oh Cate. I can’t. Cate and Gayboy are my FF moments. I saw on the twitter that Cate’s sporting extentions now. Looks odd. No hairbow either.

    Maci… Ok for real. I don’t know who is more Bricks here. I’m sure Ryan could prolly hear Maci ‘coaching’ Bint in the background of her cell phone call so it’s not like it was some secret it was up to her. We know you’re not over Rhiiine and just want some extra moments to bathe in his good looks. Oh, and if that means inviting that pesky Dalis, then so be it.
    Sidenote, I’m totally team Dalis. Loved how the bitch was all like ‘Good’ after Maci stormed off. That was quite the debate on the twitter last night too… oh God what am I gonna do when this ends and I have to go back to my real life of taking care of fifty cats and hoarding garbage?!

  3. Abandoned Hotel Suitcase says:

    I started to make a snide comment about how, although Amber had to “do everything,” somebody was probably watching the kid. And then I decided it would be pretty easy to watch Leah after all. All you have to do is stick her in the car seat while you pull through McDonalds on your way to and from Ella-Noiz.

  4. Gary's Missing Neck says:

    Am I seeing things, or did Farrah get butt implants? Maybe it was just her super tight pants. Also, I am pretty sure she is not going to miss Sophia at all.

  5. Water Buffalo says:

    I’m so happy you mentioned the water buffalo part. I was laughing so hard at that last night. I also loved when Sophia bitch-slapped Farrah, and Farrah disciplined her…oh wait. Or she just laughed and showered her with kisses. Makes sense. I also liked when she brushed Sophia’s teeth while she was asleep.

  6. Soph's red cowboy boots says:

    Why does NO ONE in the Cate and Gay Ty saga understand yet that iCarly is living with another family?!?? You gave her up (Oh, sorry i mean “placed”) for adoption…which = she is gone. you arent supposed to stop on by and hang 10 with her every other day!

    Even though maci and ryan are both morons, maci should have at least texted ryan first to ask him if he would come to Benny’s bday party before she got the kid in the middle calling his dad and all that crap. She is such a piece of trash…oh i mean, work!

  7. tyler loves my -kuhl says:

    Ok…maci and farrah…you both are NOT fooling anyone. Farrah’s bullshit about missing goop. You know she was totally doing the ‘snoopy happy dance ‘ as soon as the camera crew left. A whole month!!! Maci : the only person devastated that the serial yawner didn’t show up was YOU! Dumb bitch. Oh, and isn’t yawny’s mommie enjoying her fifteen minutes of fame?!? Turning on the waterworks at the table…what the fuck was she crying about? Did I miss something while staring at ryyyyy ‘s tonsils?

  8. I totally think Farrah got butt implants, Gary’s Missing Neck! I thought I was just seeing things.

  9. tyler loves my -kuhl says:

    And, sorry I forgot….what three year old knows the phrase “I need you “!?! Maybe she hears daddy gearrrrryyy say that when he calls anyone of the numerous food delivery places he has on speed dial. He ‘s so gross.

  10. Husky Kitty says:

    I just wasted the most productive part of my workday being completely counterproductive, reading this recap in my cube, and either shedding tears of laughter or peeing myself. Either way, I ended up wet. Same/same.

    What are we all going to do for fun if we can’t watch these trash heaps on the regular? And does anyone know when Teen Mom 2 is coming back? I needs me some geneticists and GED’s!

  11. butch goes to law school says:

    when i saw farrah butt and her rack,it was like looking at kim kardashian..and a note to april,i have a better chance of seeing icarly than you do..why do i feel high whenever amber comes onscreen?am i getting a contact high?

  12. Conspiracy Man says:

    Maci is the most evil, manipulative person. What a piece of crap she is to involve her child in her evil drama with Ryan. That was just wrong in a million ways.

  13. I think Maci got acne implants…

  14. butch goes to law school says:

    i cant believe next week is the last time we will ever see butch,april,kim,baby goo,miss gulp,yawny,maci,the albino bulldog,garbear,ambypants,catelynn and justin bieber…

  15. Mr. Magoo says:

    …so we’ll never know if Baby Goo ever gets potty trained.

  16. April's Broken Toliet Seat says:

    Amber’s mom is such a mushmouth! Her voice creeps me out. Pill popper, fo sho.

    When are the other 4 dumbass teen mom’s gracing our televisions again?

  17. butch goes to law school says:

    also,i read that michael and debra live in different states,so how did debra take care of baby goo by herself?isnt she in school and working?

  18. Amber's Mom's Xanax says:

    Maci’s acne implants! Right on Courtney. The comments here are as priceless as the commentary. Did anyone else wonder what the hell was on Goop’s arm when she was on the toilet?

  19. What's Pre-school says:

    Gary’s missing neck: Yeah, her ass looked a little weird. Then I realized I was looking at her ass and sorta hated myself.

    The only part of Maci’s Pump It Up party (the new Leaps and Bounds) I liked, was when Bentley said “I’m gonna get pumped”.

  20. QueenofCorona says:

    Am I the only one who lol’d at when Baby Goo asked Farrah if she wanted a hot dog and mother of the year replied, “Sure I’ll have hot dogs all day (wieners in my face all month, that’s why I’m shipping you off to gramma dried up goo’s house)

    Ambers mom sounds like she’s been freebasing helium.

    Amber could totally do a PSA on for drugs, “By you alright. I learned it by watching you!”

    I swear if I ever have to see Amber throw her head back and rub her temples all dramatically so help me.

  21. QueenofCorona says:

    Am I the only one who lol’d at when Baby Goo asked Farrah if she wanted a hot dog and mother of the year replied, “Sure I’ll have hot dogs all day (D in my face, that’s why I’m shipping you off to gramma dried up goo’s house)

  22. Farrah's pushup panties says:

    Farrah- You know, I know, we all know for I know that Farrah was able to keep her cool when Soph(a) slapped her because she already had the “countdown to freedom” stored in her memory. Had Soph(a) not had a “departure time” already, she would have been served some of mommies b*tch. Also, loved the “losers don’t get trophies” bit. So true.
    Catelynn- for this week only, I’m glad they’re still on the show, otherwise, I would have never heard the phrase “she’s got a good forehead on her shoulders”!
    Maci- I just know Rhine’s mom has woken up this morning to a whole new love for life since everybody has started figuring out the real Maci. She is now on her 18th 21st birthday bash at “da’club”.
    Amber- I love this blog even more since you also was able to see the horrible sadness involved in Leah’s plea for Amber. I wanted to punch my tv when Amber was still, even after that, unable to comfort Leah. She was saying things like “oh, this is breaking MY heart”.

  23. Biscuit with a side of gravy says:

    Can’t afford school? Pathetic. How much is MTV paying you Amber? She can afford a car, clothes, manicures, make-up…the list goes on.

  24. garysfatass says:

    Did anyone else notice the trash claw putting baby goop in the front seat in some weird car seat contraption..

    I think Gary in the car looked like Biggie smalls in one of his last interviews before he died. Ya know that one where his eyes are all crossed and he sounds like he can hardly get a sentence out?

  25. Biscuit with a side of gravy says:

    Rabies…..lol. Yeah if I were Brandon and Theresa I think I would want to make sure they were all up to date on their shots too.

  26. Leah's Fat Sister says:

    Literal tears of laughter. This may be your best yet. I tip my hat, sir.

  27. Farrah's pushup panties says:

    I’ve heard rumors that Amber was actually sentenced to 4 years in the slammer but she showed up for court in that fuzzy white hat and the judge tacked on another year. Not sure if there’s any truth to it though.
    The Soup is nuts (like April kind of nuts) if they don’t hire you.

  28. Biscuit with a side of gravy says:

    I’m sure Brandon and Theresa are regretting the ‘open adoption’ plan now. Cate, Tyler and the rest of the nutcases need to leave Carly alone. If I was Brandon and Theresa and watched the show and saw how obsessed everyone was over Carly. I think I would change her name. No wonder they keep their address a secret.

  29. Joe's Rap Career says:

    There’s no way Farrah *didn’t* get either butt implants or those padded Spanx things. You’re not fooling anyone Gulch, with your boobs, teeth, new nose, “hit single”, “business,” “memoir”….I could go on and on.

    Maybe it was just me (probably was), but did anyone happen to notice when Forehead 1, Forehead 2, and Pony Boy were eating breakfast at the little restaurant, directly behind Catelynn/Forehead 2 on the wall there was a framed picture of what I am 93% certain was Dawn?? She was wearing a hot pink sweater with a black belt around her waist in the picture…and then a few scenes later, she walks in wearing a hot pink sweater with a black belt attached. Please tell me I’m not the only one who saw/imagined this??

  30. @QueenofCorona – I thought the same thing about Farrah and the hot dogs! I also couldn’t stop laughing at Amber in that white hat.

  31. I'mtoooldforthis says:

    garysfatass, I noticed the carseat, too. It looked like she was on her back and almost upside down. WTF?

  32. NY40sGIRL says:

    garysfatass – thank you for mentioning…i had to rewind and look at the car seat situation again. She had Sophia in the front seat in an infant carrier. That is so danagerous!!!

    I also noticed Farrah’s ass (I’m so ashamed). I was trying to figure out if it was implants or if her thong was too tight and squeezing it down. It was just weird.

    I’m really going to miss these Teen Mom’s. I have followed them from the beginning and never got into the other teen moms so this will be it for me :(

  33. My Little Butchy says:

    The fake nails these girls always have drives me crazy!! Are those in style somewhere?

    I don’t think Amber should be driving Leah around while she’s asleep (or her eyelashes molded together, whatever). No wonder she doesn’t have any money to pay for Leah’s daycare. A brand new Lincoln and a new house will take every bit of that MTV paycheck.

    Someday, when Catelynn and Tyler get their social “working” degrees, they can counsel their own parents. Kim should adopt My Little Butchy, genius!

  34. Farrah's pushup panties says:

    I know, you know, we all know for I know that Farrah did not get angry when her underbite was slapped by soph(a) because her “departure time” was blinking wildly in her head. I think soph(a) was even shocked that mommy didn’t serve up some of her famous b*tch souffle.
    Kim thinking she was on sjr episode where dawn says “Carly, get your ass on out here” was hilarious. That almost beats the time you referred to corey as “fire Marshall bill”!

  35. I'm your mom not your people says:

    I had to side with Rhine on the whole birthday disaster. Maci should have cleared it with him first before putting Bintley in the middle of everything. instead, she made it seem like she was the good guy and then had faux outrage when her terribly executed plan didn’t work out. it was the perfect way to make Rhine seem like a bad parent. she could walk around discussing it and pointing out how badly he’d be disappointing poor poor Bintley. that whole scenario rubbed me the wrong way.

    Farrah – just because someone breaks up with you doesn’t mean they have psychological issues. in fact, it’s probably quite the opposite and they simply have a case of the “normal” get over yourself.

    I felt soooooo bad for Leah. truly heartbreaking. :(

    Catelynn and Tyler’s scenes were a giant snoozefest, BUT as someone pointed out already, Catelynn got her hair done!! this excited me more than it probably should have. last week I commented on how she needs to go to the salon and take Tyler with her and a few days ago she did just that. not sure how I feel about the super long hair, but it’s a slight improvement I guess. you’re welcome everyone!

  36. Conspiracy Man says:

    Farrah’s butt looked like it was some computer generated alien effect.

    I am guessing that this episode will be the clincher for Brandon & Teresa shutting down the open adoption. I can imagine how they will feel when they get the Christmas card from Butch, looking for a little donation to his commisary.

    I finally discovered what it is about Tyler and Catelynn that drives me insane – they always speak like they were raised by therapists/counselors. This is not their fault, since they were actually raised by therapists/counselors, but it is still creepy and somewhat sad (even to me). You can only imagine what those years of therapy are holding down.

  37. Gary's Puffy Leather Couch says:

    Did everyone catch where Amber said she couldn’t move yet because her new house still needed work? just like before she moved to this one WTF

  38. Tarantula Eyelashes says:

    How much more does MTV have to pay Gary for him to be able to buy some shirts that fit? Is he just in denial that he can’t go to American Eagle anymore and needs the big and tall section at wal-mart? he’s one french fry in gravy away from his shirt just exploding off his body.

  39. Conspiracy Man says:

    B & T also have to love the fact that their child is tattooed on a place of honor on an inmate in the penitentiary and two special-ed kids.

  40. Farrahs free month pass says:

    Farrah is about as sad to see Sophia go as Daniel was dumping Farrah..NOT AT ALL. Lucky bitch, I wish I could ship my son off for a month.

    Maci totally needs to stop pestering Ryan with her innocent demands. First she crashes their vacation, then gets pissed like a woman that was stood up because he didn’t show for the Bday party. I thought it was already planned out they would have separate ones. I do think Ryan’s parents should not have said they would come then blow it off. Here is a tip MACI, he is an EX and probably an asshole, why do you want him around you anymore then needed? Yes you share a child, but that doesn’t mean you have to mingle with them.

    Amber- still a mess maybe prison will sober her up, once she is someones bitch

    Catelynn – Do Carly the most selfless favor and quit trying to bring her around your crazy mom and Ty’s. You guys have no rights to her.

  41. Isaac's Giant Sneakers says:

    I think Cate and Ty-Ty are regretting their decision to kick iCarly to the curb because they now realized they could have raised her with all their Teen Mom money.

    Soph’s red cowboy boots you hit the nail on the head. iCarly is not at summer camp you gave her away for life. Get it together!

    Amber makes triple my salary and daycare where I live costs $2700/month. Give me a break, you can afford $400 a month. Everyone knows how much money you make!

    I wonder if Ole Tarantula Eyes realized Leah would be better off with her out of her life for 5 years.

  42. Bitch Jungle says:

    so i think that Amber adopted the eyelashes in order to hide that her pupils are tiny pin heads from all of the opiates. she was totes on drugs in this episode. and she was bitching about the money for school because she is currently buying drugs everyday and doesn’t want to spend her money on anything else.
    i think Gary brought up the custody that way to trick her. He really didn’t want to say that “you are a drug-addicted piece of shit who shouldn’t be trusted with a toddler” so used the whole no contact order as an excuse.

  43. Conspiracy Man says:

    Also- I have not seen the infamous no-contact order, but I am guessing that its terms were thoroughly violated by the Amber drop-off scene from this schow. If the authorities saw last night’s episode, I am sure that they would have been as interested as the State’s attorney was when Amber attacked Gary.

  44. Amber's Welcome Home Sign says:

    As much as I hate Bricks, i LOVED when she walked away and Dalis screamed “Good!” hahahha team Dalis. On a serious note though, i dont understand how Maci has fans. She lied to BintLee about Ryan saying he’d be there and lied to Ryan about Bentley initiating the phone call. All these girls think she is a great parent but a responsible parent would have called Ryan first and not dragged their child into the middle of it.

    And, why the HELL was Baby Goop in an infant carrier at 2 years old???? Time for a forward facing carseat Trash Claw.

  45. Chin cysts says:

    I think Maci deserves some mention in this episode, since she was more bricks than usual. We know that you want to see Rhiine spit and yawn but be a little less desperate about it will ya? Him calling you stupid isn’t like it was in elementary school where that’s called “flirting”. No, he honestly thinks you’re an idiot! And so do we. So. Do. We.

    So in the previews we see Amber sobbing and screaming into the phone to Gary that he won’t give custody. But she’s totally changed her tune and is cool with it now? Not like it matters now…

  46. Depressed Water Buffalo says:

    I wished it was Maci’s birthday instead of Bint-Lee’s and all of the presents were ProActiv. Ahhh, a girl can dream. Anyway, I wonder what Amber’s doing in “gel”. Dalis needs to change her name to Transylvania with that hair, not her color. I couldn’t even pay attention to the “Battle of the Fiveheads vs. Gay Perms” scene because I kept thinking hello, you gave the kid up for adoption. You don’t get to be grandparents now. If you were so passionate on the subject, you should have kept the little bugger.

  47. Bitch Jungle says:

    i hate when i type a comment ( a long one) and it never shows up! second try…..

    I think that Amber decided to wear those eyelashes to distract everyone that her pupils are little pinheads from all of her opiate use.

    i also think that her thinking that $400 a month is too much because she is at the stage where all of her extra money is going to drugs. so she has it. but she wants to spend it on her addiction and not her daughter.

    i think Gary was using the co contact order as an excuse/trick for getting sole custody. he really thinks that she is a drug addicted person and should have no right to care for a toddler. But Amber is so stupid she thinks it is because he wants to spend time with her. Her mom even knew it and tried to say something.

    in addition, all of the turning everything around so nothing is my fault and everything is your fault is typical for a drug user.

    i only feel the need to comment about Amber because that storyline is the only one of interest to me anymore.

  48. Depressed Water Buffalo says:

    Did anyone else literally LOL when they cut to the scene at the end where Amby is crying looking through her phone at pics of Leah with the sad music in the background. I died!

  49. Leah's habitual chicken nuggets says:

    Has Amber ever mentioned her mom having substance abuse issues? SHe was obviously strung out during the fight they had.

  50. Wednesdaystreat says:

    Ok, the WATER BUFFALO thing made my husband look up from his computer and laugh his butt off! That was classic. He said that was the best line in the whole show of any season, any episode. Just funny!

    Come on, IBBB, Maci’s episode had some things you could have written about this time–like how stupid she is and how much she still wants Ryan. I was all on yawny, spitty’s side last night. That was ALL HER FAULT!!! UGH!

    The Catelynn recap did make me laugh hard enough that I’ll forgive you for not recapping Maci–again–though. PRICELESS stuff there!

    Agree with Water Buffalo–ha!–about the bitch slap to Farrah from Sophia and her being all “Oh, honey! SMOOCH!” afterward. WTH??? That girl is gonna commit murder before she’s five!

  51. The Pacifier Still In Use During H/S Graduation says:

    Personally? I almost fell over when Debra in her best “baby voice” says “That sounds like an anger management case right there!” Is that what she learned whilst trash clawing her way through her community service?

    I again almost lost it when Amber/Garrrreeeeee had words over the hot tub vs. swing set for Leah.

    Anyone else notice Amber’s personalized plates on the front bumper of her car? “ALP” she’s just missing the “O” folks!

  52. Let's Face it-Tyler is gay says:

    I fell asleep during this and am going to have to watch the rest tonight. However what I did see was Maci being a horrible mom and making Bint-Lee talk on the phone to Ryy asking him to the party. That was messed up. Don’t ever put your kid in the middle of your drama. She is so in love with Ryan. Binny wouldn’t have even noticed. She’s such a dumbass! Kyyy is retarded for staying with her. Well, Kyy IS retarded I think….

    Farrah…got butt implants for sure. But why won’t she get that nasty mole removed from her neck? You couldn’t tear my kids away from me for a month. She really is the most selfish and awful person ever. I hate her.

    Brandontheresa do need to make Leah iCarly’s sister. She is pitiful. At least give custody to Gary’s MILF, she’s the only chance she’s got. Gary might explode if he gets any fatter. Amber…well she’s living where she belongs for the next 5 years at least. If Brandontheresa don’t want to adopt Leah I will.

    I love that April is the voice of reason now with this group. I used to think Kim had a few brain cells but she is bonkers if she thinks she’s just going to visit iCarly on the regular. If I were Brandontheresa I would def be changing all their names and moving to Canada. I would close that adoption soo fast if I were them. It’s not healthy for all of them to be obsessing over her all the time they need to let it go and accept that she’s not in their lives for a reason.

    TM2!! TM2!! When is Bahhbra and the best little accent money can by coming back? I need some Keefah Reefah in my life.

  53. Wednesdaystreat says:

    OH for sure! I totally agree that I was like, “WTH?? When is April suddenly the voice of reason in this whole thing!?” She actually made like three good points last night!

  54. Maci's Long Island Iced Tea says:

    Maci–She has Posted a picture of every alcoholic drink she’s ordered since she turned 21. It always cracks me up when someone becomes “of age” so they start behaving the way they “think” actual adults do. It’s like 1. Drink alcohol •check• 2. Publicly talk about your sex life •check• 3. Say a curse word in front of your parents •check•
    OMG, I’m like, so hell damn tired from staying out all night drinking mixed drinks.

  55. Water Buffalo says:

    @Pacifier: The ALP license plate made me giggle because in my high school, that stood for “Alternative Learning Program”. Seems fitting.

  56. Water Buffalo says:

    The hot tub vs swing set debate also made me laugh (and cringe at the thought of Gary in a hot tub). Amber thinks she’s such a boss. “Just get her the swing set Gary!”. Get her one yourself, you twat.

  57. Isaac's Giant Sneakers says:

    I also would like to know how Big Boobs McGee did not shed a tear as she was sending away her daughter, on a plane, with trash claw who is abusive!? I got choked up and I don’t even know that little troll.

  58. Soph's red cowboy boots says:

    I said the same thing to myself. Why in the hell is big boobs just like “ok see ya wouldnt wanna be ya!” to Soph when she leaves for a month??? She didnt really seem like she was that upset. and she barely acknowledged Debi Who or say goodbye to her in any heartfelt way. You could say thanks for taking care of my kid for free for 1 month (if not longer!)

  59. Maci's Long Island Iced Tea says:

    @water buffalo, I know, for real, she stumbled in there like she was a paid interior decorator that Gary had hired to “help” with his new house.
    “ummm, I’m thinking pink and glitter purple”. Ok, Amber, you go ahead and paint the walls with glitter all the live long day, In Your Own House! Im no psychiatrist (although I also think I am) but just the fact that she mainly still refers to her as “my daughter” instead of her actual name says that she has not truly bonded with Leah. Ok, I’ve got to quit reading so I’ll quit commenting and actually get something done today.

  60. I'm your mom not your people says:

    @ Isaac’s Giant Sneakers – agreed! I kept thinking “oh this airport scene is going to be so sad. Farrah’s tough exterior will disappear once she breaks down over baby Goo leaving…”

    and then no….nothing. no tears. no real sign of any emotion.

  61. Executive MBA says:

    Why won’t ANYONE (MTV/Maci) address Kyle’s literacy deficit? Like let’s perhaps get him a couple copies of Hooked on Phonics and My Baby Can Read, stat. I really do believe he is slow….

  62. April's Broken Toliet Seat says:

    Catelynn and Tyler are really annoying. I saw red when Tyler said ‘i promised Carly I’d go to college.’ Does he honestly think she gives a fuck if he gets his social working(lol) degree? They’re so obsessed with Carly and it’s rather creepy. Catelynn’s twitter profile picture is of Carly! If I were Brandonteresa I would get a no contact order, stat!

  63. slappie jones says:

    Hi…my name is slappie…and I too not only noticed farrah ‘s new ass, I …um…paused the tv to get a better, closer look. I’m so ashamed. One day at a time.

  64. PuffyLeatherGentlemanGreeter says:

    Sooo glad that I’m not the only one that noticed Farrah’s ass. I was thinking she was wearing some sort of padded underwear. I hate Dalis’ new hair color. I’m also not a fan of the way she spells her name or how she pushes for Ryan to get custody. Eh. Maybe I’m just jealous that she gets to f Ryyyyyyyne on the regular. I’m not jealous of her having to deal with the baby mama drama that is Maci though. Amber’s mom was wasted. I bet she “forgets” to take her meds like Amber, maybe she needs some rehab? In this episode they said her and Gary live in Noblesville. I have a good friend that lives there. I should get him to take one for the team and date Amber when she’s out of gel. So ibbb can stay informed on what Dan and Roseanne are up to.

  65. Brenda Walsh says:

    @wednesdays treat – I love that your husband claimed that water buffalo line the best in the history of teen mom! My fiance still claims the best line occurred way back in season 1, when Gary told Amber he couldn’t borrow her car because “it couldn’t reach the speeds I need to drive on the highway.” We still say this to each other all the time when one of uses the other’s car. Classic.

  66. I hate maci. That’s all.

  67. Brenda Walsh says:

    I am getting really fed up with Mimi Jen, Ryan’s mom. I used to like her but now she just seems like a pot-stirring drama queen. Granted Maci really messed up this episode, but still – that woman is always trying to start drama. And Dalis’ little “good” comment to Maci was annoying. Stay out of it Dalis!

  68. Conspiracy Man says:

    I will address Ky’s slowness –

    Maci plays him constantly. You know for a fact that she implanted the idea about calling Ryan into Ky’s thick skull, so that as soon as he said something about them all having a party together, she responded “WHAT A GREAT IDEA, KYLE”. Let’s have the 3-year old give his dad a call and set that up right now. She uses Kyle to validate all of her stupid/evil ideas. I am sure that it was Kyle who suggested that Maci go on vacation with Ryan (after weeks of Maci saying “boy, it would be great if Bintley could be together with his whole family on a vacation” about 80 million times).

    She also uses her friends to validate all of her schemes. They are a band of drooling yes-girls to all of her stupid ideas.

  69. Husky Kitty says:

    I’m thinking Rhine and Ambjikistan need to open a children’s sleep clinic together, since neither of them believes in a proper pre-school education. With all the yawning and eye-closing going on, it’s guaranteed success! Now THAT would be a reality show worth watching (and recapping).

    On the serious tip though, what ever happened to the Bravo contest? How do we find out if our favorite blogger is the winner?

    PS: IBBB, in honor of the series finale next week, PLEASE dedicate a few words to the albino cartoon bulldog, Yawny and Bricks Classic (Bricks 2.0 being Chelsea from TM2). Please and thank you.

  70. Conspiracy Man says:

    I would never say anything to put down drugs and alcohol, but Maci’s obsession with alcohol is really ridiculous. Just drink it and shut up about it. I am really hoping that Dr. Drew will fire up the Celebrity Rehab show again to pull Maci off the pole in 5 years and sober up her drunk ass.

  71. Social Working says:

    I have to admit, I used to think Kim was pretty “with it” until this episode when she said she knew icarly was going to live out of state but didn’t think it would be like this. Do any of these people know the definition of adoption?

    Also I was seriously rotflamghjwtf when Farrah and Deb were having the conversation about Daniel. Good television.

    Son of a Butch- nice one!

  72. butch goes to law school says:

    husky.thats so funny!!i,too think brandon and teresa should adopt leah too.also,did you hear catelynn wants to adopt her brother nick?i still say brandon and teresa should have first dibs on him..

  73. PuffyLeatherGentlemanGreeter says:

    Also, I noticed Amber’s “ALP” plate the first time they showed her new car. Does she think that is a good idea? Her last car and her house were both vandalized. So why would she put something on her vehicle that makes it obvious that it’s hers? She’s going to leave her dealer’s house one day to find her tires slashed in the parking lot.

  74. Janelle's Ugly Toes says:

    Why are these trash bags buying cars for 45 year olds…Tyler’s caddy, Amber’s Lincoln…eetc, etc…..

    Gary saying she sounded like a water buffalo..kinda kettle meet pot…since he is as big as one…..

    Executive MBA…seems to me that Maci only goes for illiterate guys….Kyle and Ryan (my kind don’t need pre-school I dind’t go…that’s obvious)…..maybe men with intelligence see that she is …. NUTS????

    These recaps make my days and I will miss the snark but we do have Janelle and her mother coming up soon so hang in there…..

    And the names of the posters here are almost….almost …as funny as the blog itself.

    Love it here…!

  75. Hot Dogs All Day! (D in Farrah's Face!) says:

    omg, too funny @ Amby’s Mr. Magoo impression & sounding like a water buffalo (wth?), plus Farrah’s post-airport drop Snoopy dance, bitch souffle, and special mixology pursuits. A girl’s gotta dream!…

    So sad that this hot, hot mess of a show is getting ready to peace out for good. Sadly, it makes me wonder if the lack of public scrutiny will actually be worse for little Bintley, Soph, and Leah. If Binty can stay in school he may get a small helping of what “normal” looks like from the teachers, etc… Sadly, Soph probably would fair better with Little Debbie & Michael… [which most definitely isn’t saying a lot, especially since Farrah is a product of that environment]… At the very least she will get actual attention (maybe even stuff like gymastics, baton twirling, nunchuck training)…

    Leah may or may not do well (or at least okayyy?) with Gary’s mom… Sure hope she comes out of this somehow without an incredible amount of psychological damage! So unfortunate, and not just because she is a beautiful little girl. Maybe grammy will start putting her in the pageant circuit?

  76. Hot Dogs All Day! (D in Farrah's Face!) says:

    Hey, was just thinking… any chance BooBooMama June could adopt Leah?? Perfect. Little HoneyBooBoo — despite being so fucking annoying at times — seems like she’d actually probably even make a great big sister… I can totally picture her being a little clown, trying to engage and entertain Leah…

    And God knows she would get enough to eat in that household!

  77. "The Gary" of homes says:

    Hahaha, a yawning Ryan/ closed-eyed Amber backed daycare — permanent nap-time for EVERYONE–all day, everyday!

  78. Hot Dogs All Day! (D in Farrah's Face!) says:

    Oh, and I’ma gonna miss the Butch & April show. Not BabyButch and not HuskyKitty. Though kudos to her for trying something with the weave or whatever. Wtf-ever, just stop with the goddamn bows and flowers… No idea whyyy in hell the sight of those makes me feel like going all Debra on her!…

  79. Social Working says:

    OH and did anyone else notice that Farrah said she was taking a bartender class? (Another way to justify shipping off baby goop to the mother who ruined her life). IBBB field trip to Farrah’s bar! Spring Break ’13 woohoo!

  80. Janelle's Ugly Toes says:

    I might have to go and watch it again but didn’t Ryan at first ask if Maci wanted to have a joint thing with the birthday party when discussing that Bintley would be with Ryan that day and Maci said no they would do their own party? I must be going senile ….

    Gary is the most disgusting man on the planet yet he still thinks he is one big hottie…his manipulation of Ambuh is easy because she is a total drug addict and never not stoned…he knows EXACTLY how to make her scream at him and then he acts like the normal one…

    Nice seat covers Amber…..and stop piercing your face… I kept thinking you had some food on your cheek I wanted to wipe off half the time..

    Mr. Magoo…….perfect !

  81. Hot Dogs All Day! (D in Farrah's Face!) says:

    Gare-bear has a quiet, sly sense of humor (albeit probably accidental) with great comedic timing. Still makes me chuckle to think of “plain ole Amber” on his cell phone!…

    Hopefully Amber being in gel will force him to focus more on Leah and getting his life together. Duuuude… lose some weight already, seriously… No snark involved here, just… damn!… you are a father!… Don’t you want to be around a few more years for her!? ugh… (sorry, y’all…)… got a little verklempt!… moment of silence…

    I’d actually love to see Gary in some sort of spin-off, even if not a reality show… could he ever pull off a small [large] sitcom bit? I can totally see him as a sidekick character ala the “special” brother on My Name Is Earl. Or at least a walk-on on the Soup or Tosh.O.

  82. I predict there will be a Teen Mom season when the kids turn 5, then 10, then 15, then pole dancers, drug addicts and pre-law students (Leah).

  83. Should've been a teen mom says:

    These bitches have it made. Don’t work, don’t have to take care of their kids, have new cars, and houses- I think I missed my calling somewhere. Nice how teen mom glammerizes getting knocked up at 16
    Amber- GET HELP
    Caitlynn- We get it, you had a baby & now you don’t – if it wasn’t for your f’ed up/entertaining family, you wouldn’t be on this show
    Farrah- Your Mom tries to kill you, so let’s send your daughter to live with her? Makes perfect sense

  84. Social Working says:

    Hot Dogs- Gary needs a weight loss special show stat. I would totally tune in for an hour to watch him attempt squat thrusts and mourn the loss of mozzarella sticks. Come on, a single parent whose baby mama is in jel. It’s gold!

  85. I agree with the comment that Brandon and Teresa need to change their names. Back when a big deal was made over Tyler and Cate not knowing Carly’s name, I did a little digging that anyone with a computer could. Within no time I knew their last names, where they lived and where he worked. If they think they have any privacy they’re idiots. Which, I think they are, but that would be a whole post of its own.

  86. Janelle's Ugly Toes says:

    Was it not just a few episodes ago that Farrah and her sister sat and screamed at Debra for ruining their lives? Yet..she’s good enough to take care of Baby Goop…..amazing.

    Farrah and her sister are so f’ing ugly and I will never see the Wizard of Oz again without seeing Farrah’s face on the witch.

  87. Isaac's Giant Sneakers says:

    Tonya – EXCELLENT point! I just googled them and found Brandon’s professional bio. They give all his contact info. and state that he is married with 2 kids. Apparently iCarly got an adopted brother. What idiots. Why doesn’t Kim just roll on by?

  88. Hachet Face says:

    Does anyone else find Debra Lou Who’s baby voice so creepy and Mommie Dearest-ish?? I mean, this woman has an “executive” MBA, why is she talking like that all the time???

    @Crik – I totally agree on the “Where Are They Now” Teen Mom updates. I mean, we all know that Baby Goop will be in jail for murdering her whole family eventually, but I’m sure they’ll poledance the rest of them out for check-ins with Dr Drew periodically.

  89. Wednesdaystreat says:

    Yup. You can get Brandon’s direct number at work with a couple clicks of the mouse.

  90. Come on, Patrick, at least give us a paragraph on Rhiiiine, Bint-ley & the other hillbillies for the finale next week! Please? I mean, it IS the last recap of them you’ll be able to give. *sniffle* Maybe you can recap their lives weekly by stalking their facebooks. Maci’s will just be about what liquor she’s drinking/which state she’s vacationing to (sans Bint-ley), but there’s gotta be something to say about the others.

    When Farrah asked Sophia, “Do you need your pacifier?” I literally screamed at my tv, “NO, she does NOT, she’s fucking THREE!” Her ass *puke* was definitely out there this week. She looked like one of those rap guys’ girlfriends… who understands those rap guys?

    Ambuhhh needs to lay off the tranquilizers, dermals & spider leg lashes. Oh yeah, she won’t be able to wear any of those for the next 5 years due to “gel” time. I always laugh when these idiots cry about not being able to afford anything, because, you know, if I made $160,000+ a year I’d be broke, too.

    I understand Cate & Ty missing iCarly, but are ANY of them serious when they talk about the grandparents meeting her? I mean, is that honestly a true possibility in their minds??

    PS- For the love of God will someone PLEASE get the memo to Gary that a Medium shirt is not meant to fit his XXXXXXXL frame?! He’s got the Teen Mom money, how about some fucking liposuction at least?!! Poor Leah will weigh more than the average 22 year old by the time Ambuhhh gets out of gel with Gar-bear’s genes, poor eating habits & lack of exercise. Kid doesn’t stand a chance.

  91. PPS- I’m surprised Affliction hasn’t banned Gary from wearing their clothes (yet), either.

  92. Go Directly to Gel says:

    Surely we’ll get a Dr. Duh after show, right? I’m just not ready to let these trash bags go yet! I personally think they should bring Patrick in to host. Every time I see has pic on here, I imagine him giving that same stare of judgment while hosting the follow up show.
    Anylard, not long ago Gary was on the Twitter taking about how this doctor said he was in perfect health. I find out hard to believe a doctor wouldn’t at least suggest he lose a ton or 2.

  93. Go Directly to Gel, I literally laughed like an idiot after reading the gary’s “doctor said he was in perfect health” bit. Talk about delusion!

  94. Isaac's Giant Sneakers says:

    OMG! I just read an article on Washington Post Social Reader that CATELYNN was in the delivery room comforting the Mom who gave her son up to Brandon & Theresa! HOW CREEPY

  95. On another note, I love that back to school Target commercial. I never knew what the second thing he said was. Thanks for clearing it up! Hair gel! Also, I agree with all the posters and will certainly miss watching this train wreck.

  96. Amber's Welcome Home Sign says:

    Go Directly to Gel, i saw that and found it hilarious. He said he was “big boned.” bahhhhahh yeahhh..ok Gare.

  97. Conspiracy Man says:

    Executive MBA – Your name reminds me of a point I had when Debra was trumpeting her EXECUTIVE MBA degree. I always thought that an executive MBA degree was easier to get than a regular MBA degree and the schools were less selective.

  98. Conspiracy Man says:

    Isaac – that is a truly horrifying thought. Could you imagine the stalking vibes that you would get if you went to pick up your second randomly adopted child at the hospital, and the birth mother of your first adopted child was in the room with the birth mother of the second?

  99. Catelynn's Chewed off Fingernail Polish says:

    Tyler & Catelyn go all “BrandonTreesa” on us in order to remind us that she WAS a Teen Mom and, thanks to MTV, still deserves a slice of the TM pie. You know BrandonTreesa must dread Wednesday mornings during TM season. Can’t believe they ever let that kid’s face be shown on the show. Hope they’re saving up for therapy!

  100. this bitch-ass no contact order says:

    hey ya’ll. long time reader, first time poster here. Was I hallucinating, or did Amber and Gary really say once ‘this bitch-ass no contact order’ is gone, their family can go back to “normal”??? I am trying to imagine which episode in all the seasons of Teen Mom is he referring to, where their family was “normal”. hmm

  101. Hot tub vs Swingset says:

    I couldn’t understand anything Amber’s mom was saying; that scene was really sad for some reason.

    It was heartbreaking when Leah said “please wait”. She just wanted Amber to wait. She didn’t even say please STAY, because she knows Amber will always leave :(

    I hated Dalis when she said “Good.” Myci was in the wrong but the way she and Rahn parent Bintley is none of Dalis’s business.

    Catelynn looks even more like April with her extensions lol. Also I don’t blame April for hating Dawn. Bethany Christian Services has some shady track records. Although adoption was probably the best choice for them I’m sure Catelynn was no less than coerced into the decision and rushed into signing the relinquishment papers by Dawn. I also think Catelynn and Tyler were misled with the “open adoption” concept. I think they were of the understanding that they would be more a part of Carly’s life than they have been able to be.

    Farrah’s being a bitch about Daniel, yet he’s the only person in the world who has publicly given her kudos for releasing her music. It’s also cute how on her twitter it shows whenever she “likes” one of her own youtube videos, lol.

  102. Hot tub vs Swingset says:

    Also Gary reminds me of Totoro when he’s laying back and Leah is climbing around on his stomach.

  103. Dalis said, "GOOD!!!!" says:

    I got to laugh out loud a half dozen or more times while watching and another half dozen or more times reading here.

    Only one comment above on Farrah’s quick comment during the “hot dog scene” about needing time for school “and my bartending class . . . “!!

  104. Dalis said, "GOOD!!!!" says:

    April was cracking up and giving the side-eye so much during that adoption therapy session–it really made me laugh!

  105. I like how Amber assumes zero responsibility for her past actions like pushing Gary down the stairs. Instead, it is all CPS’s fault that their little fam is torn apart. Lord, she is going to come out of jail with an even bigger chip on her shoulder. Now everyone close their eyes and just imagine that scenario.

    I couldn’t take my eyes off of Farrah’s butt last night as it made absolutely no sense. It looked fake but yet like miniture fake. Like a shrunken version of Kim K.’s butt. Know what I mean. Strange.

    How does everyone actually think April is sober? She couldn’t sit still in the restaurant scene. Sober like hell. Come on, she has just switched her drug of choice.

    To whoever mentioned that Cate and Ty talk like therapists all the time is spot on. Thank-you and how have I never noticed this before? Now I know why everytime they come on the screen, I want to punch them. Thank-you for helping me understand my aggression towards them. It all makes sense now and finally I can sleep soundly at night.

  106. cant wait to see farrah ugly cry next episode

  107. April's Meth Mouth says:

    Pencils. Hair gel. Binders. LOL.

  108. April's Meth Mouth says:

    Just to preface: I read the blog first before I watch the teen train wreck on the tele. It’s more fun that way. A few thoughts:

    @Soph’s Red Cowboy Boots -Why does NO ONE in the Cate and Gay Ty saga understand yet that iCarly is living with another family?!??
    Indeed! I think this all of the time. Do you think iCarly’s adoptive family talks about Caitlynn/Tyler/April even 1/100th as much as the trailer dwellers talk about them & the child who NO LONGER BELONG TO THEM? I kept my 3 kids and don’t discuss them as much as ICarly is discussed..#openadoption #regrets!

    I agree re: Maci & proactive. They advertise repetitively on Mtv, all the livelong day. Couldn’t the network score a few tubes & gift them to Maci?

    Amber: anyone and I mean ANYONE can go to college – even homeless people & the poors. Grants, loans, scholarships (although “Ber wouldn’t qualify for a scholarship of any kind except perhaps to a rehab facility looking for free publicity..) No excuse.

    As mentioned, haven’t seen the episode But Amber has a Lincoln? Why? @Janelle’s Ugly Toes beat me to it but I thought the same thing when I read it. Why do these people buy cars that even my grandparents are too hip for..AND with personalized plates? Dumbass. Wasn’t ‘Ber the one who moved because everyone knew where she lived & would drive by & yell at her, vandalize and GASP, call her a bad mom? How long before the Lincoln Log is keyed?

    @Leasha – XXXXXXXL , bahahahahahahaha

  109. Sally Jesse Raphael says:

    Just kidding. Carly, get your ass out here!

    Pure genius! I can’t stop laughing at the thought of saying that to a toddler…

  110. this bitch-ass no contact order says:

    I have to agree with Ammmbuh on one thing, though. That school would be a total waste of money. Did you hear the agenda?? “On Monday, they are going to play ‘Restaurant”. On Tuesday they get to bake cookies!” What is it, a FOOD school? Leah already knows how to eat, Gare-Bear has been home schooling her on that for 2 years.
    On a side note, maybe Farrah should transfer to that school to complete her “Culinary Arts” bachelors degree…if her new singing career doesnt work out.

  111. WV_Genetic-cyst says:

    Keefah Reefah – LOVE IT! Sure it has the earthy smell of the grassy knoll…

  112. Scopped Liver says:

    Gary’s such a tool, he cracks me up. I loved when Ambuh rang his doorbell in a huff and he tried to be funny by shouting “who is it?” and pissed her off. Then he laughed at his own joke like Arsenio Hall.

  113. Conspiracy Man says:

    Can you imagine Amber’s roommate situation in the pen? It is definitely time for her people skills to shine.

  114. Mon Seigneur says:

    id like to formally apologize for “defending” ambuh in the past. her queen-victoria antics at “gary’s” house made me throw up a lil in my mouth. her attitude was all “DID YOU SEE WHAT I JUST PULLED UP IN? A G0D D@MN LINCOLN, MOTHERF*CKIN F@T-A$$ B@STARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”. (insert gary face-bashings for each symbol).


  115. Alexandria says:

    Am I the only one who saw Ferrah’s mom put that baby upside down in the carseat?!?!? She’s going to jail next!!!

  116. Ambuh has 5 years to figure out how to blame Gary for still not having her GED after GEL says:

    Leah was truly heartbreaking. Such a sweet girl who deserves so much more than the parents she got.

    I must be old and out of it because when Farrah’s new ass got the cameo, I was just trying to figure out exactly what workout she does to get it! I don’t even care that it was on Miss Gulch – if my butt looked like that I would LIVE in yoga pants and walk in and out of every room with my ass to the crowd. :)

    Having been in Dalis’ position (and ultimately marrying the guy and remaining so for oh so very long now), I would summarize the gf/step-parent role as “more than a babysitter” but check any ego because no matter what, you are not and never will be “the mom” or “the dad”.

    Doesn’t mean you don’t have a place or that you don’t contribute to, support, love, and nurture like your own child. You should absolutely give fully of yourself to the child but you should not expect to be viewed on exactly the same level as the two bios.

    Quit stirring shit up and trying for leverage. The best thing Dalis could do, if she truly loves both of those boys, would be to support Ryawn and help him get to a better place with Maci so that Bintley isn’t sitting in daddy’s truck listenin to another bitch fest that ends with daddy calling momma ugly names while Dalis just feeds right into the same bullshit. Hey, here’s an idea. How about shutting the f’n door Dalis and then playing music or singing silly songs with Bintley to protect him from hearing crap that he shouldn’t hear. you know, because you care about him. Grrrr and Gah!

    I do think Maci was wrong, and she knew she was wrong because if she thought she was right, she wouuldn’t have felt the need to lie about any of it. But that doesn’t give Ryawn the right to speak to her that way. He clearly hates her and that’s just tough. Stuck with her ummmm, for the rest of Bintley’s life so deal. Nice example for your son. Didn’t they teach you any manners in pre-school? Oh, that’s right, never mind.

    Hey Dalis, you really love B? Then do your part to ensure to the best of YOUR abilities that he knows only joy, love, support, and security equally from all of the adults in his life. The sooner EVERYONE figures out that it’s not a f’n competition and in fact Bintley DOES have enough love in heart for everyone, and that Ryawn does NOT so get over him and move on, well so much the better.

  117. T*ts on a stick says:

    If Gary got in a hot tub there would be no room for the water.

  118. If Catelyn and Teresa G's Hairlines Meet says:

    Well, you too can have Farrah’s bubble butt..she now has an exercise video to show how she got her “baby bum”…her words. Anyimplants, it has something to do with Sophia hanging off her calf as Farrah lifts her in the air..however, from the screen grab I saw, it looks like Sophie is pulling a Walking Dead and eating Farrah’s calf…either that, or she has knife clenched between her teeth getting ready for the kill a la Chuckie. You can see it on TeenMomJunkies. Other fun stuff is reading the reviews for Farrah’s book on Amazon…Our Ms Gulch sounds like she was quite the little ho bag.

  119. slappie jones says:

    It was mentioned upthread…why WAS ryyyyyy ‘s mom wiping away the crocadilly (hey snooki!) tears at the table? Although I must say nice to see them using chairs instead of the usual pow wow on the kitchen floor. I guess they’re being all fancy like in front of the new baby momma.

  120. Bintlees sad homemade single Birthday cupcake says:

    Maci you make how much money off of MTV and you could not afford to buy him a real birthday cake? Next time go to Wal Mart and splurge.

    Gary why don’t you just sit on Amber and put her out of her misery? I would have done it when she bitched you out about not buying Leah a swing set.

  121. Tyler's Gay Lover says:

    I’m gonna miss these re-caps so much :( It makes my Wednesday mornings worth getting up for to laugh so hard at the re-cap and comments! But, at least there’s that lil bitch of a dawtah and her meat slicing mom to look forward to.

    I also noticed when Trash Claw was strapping Baby Goop into the infant seat, almost upside down, in the front seat. I even rewound it like, WTH? So many things wrong with that.

    Maci was totally in the wrong, but if I was her Dalis would have gotten her ass whipped. SHE needs to mind her business. I’ve been trying to figure out what crater face sees in the albino bulldog and I finally did. His intellectual shortcomings make him easy to manipulate.

    I want to also thank whoever it was that pointed out Pony Boy and Husky Kitty talk like they were raised like therapists! SO true! Annoying as hell!

    Anyone else find themselves cussing at the screen during Mama Fratelli’s scenes? I can’t STAND her. She’s right where she needs to be in “gel”. Hopefully another inmate or two, or three, will knock her down a peg.

  122. social Working says:

    ^ articles, that’s funny. I enjoy your style of blogging as well, IBBB.

  123. Hachet Face says:

    ^ “you will be checking rear soon”


  124. I’m late to the discussion, but did anyone notice that Bentley’s party started at 6:00 and Ryan picked him up at 7:00. So factoring in present and cake time, he probably jumped for like 2 minutes. Why would they schedule it like that? Ugh. I hate them all.

    Also, Catelynn’s voiceover previewing next week has repeatedly called it the “season finale,” instead of series finale. Does that mean they have reconsidered doing more seasons? I was very confused by that.

    Thank you so much for the awesome blog, IBBB!

  125. HotPink Nailpolish says:

    Was it me or was Gary’s breathing a bit labored when he was going through Leah’s school schedule with Ambuh? God forbid he wastes his TM money on a damn personal trainer.

  126. tyler loves my -kuhl says:

    @heather: I was thinking the same damn thing…why couldn’t ryyyyy show up an hour early?!? His BIG plans were bitching to mommy and daddy in their kitchen. Douche bag supreme.

  127. Farrah's Book Review On Amazon says:

    ^ . . . “allow me to know what we think.”

    ; )

  128. Farrah's Book Review On Amazon says:

    And I also enjoy your style of blogging, IBBB.

  129. If Catelyn and Teresa G's Hairlines Meet says:

    I call BS on Ms Gulch’s new ass..watched a repeat and you can see that she has padding in her trunk…yes, it really is junk in that trunk..and she has a new boy toy..a friend of Ryan Seacrest..oh gee, any ulterior motives there, ya think?

  130. butch goes to law school says:

    has anyone seen that farrah is now dating some guy she met on ryan seacrest..?

  131. NoContactOrder says:

    “I need you…to take off those eyelashes and kick Gary’s TV down the stairs because my legs are too little to do so.”

    hahaha I bet this is exactly what Leah said. Damn you MTV EDITING for trying to make us feel bad for Amber because the sympathy train has left the building seasons ago!

  132. NoContactOrder says:

    or well train has left the “station” haha must have Honeyboo boo on my mind, seeing how they live right on the train stop

  133. Tarantula Eyelashes says:

    I loved when Amber said once they got CPS off their backs she could do whatever she wanted.

    Yeah I highly doubt Gary getting custody meant CPS wouldn’t still check in and keep an eye on Amber and Amber most certainly would not be able to do “whatever she wants”.

  134. Ambers Closed Eyes says:

    I am so glad to read I was not the only one who cried tears of laughter reading this recap. “My Little Butchy, dream Butchy, I love to brush his beautiful mullet. What a beautiful song. I just wept a little. Or peed my pants. Either way I ended up wet.” Omg I just kept reading this and couldn’t stop laughing, my husband looked at me like I was a freak (he was just mad cause I wouldn’t tell him what I was laughing at lol).
    Conspiracy Man: My husband and I have said the same thing you did, how Ty & Cate talk like therapists & like they are so wise, it pisses us off. If you’re so smart, why did you get pregnant and then give your child away? And I agree, it’s creepy Cate has her twitter profile pic as Carly. She’s not your kid ok! Get over it!
    Farrah.. great that she gets to pick & choose when she wants to be a parent. I’ve never gone more than 1 night without my son, even when I was doing it on my own.. disgusted.
    Amber.. or ‘troll’ as we call her.. nothings ever her fault is it? That fancy rehab did wonders obviously.

  135. @Ambuh has 5 years to figure out how to blame Gary for still not having her GED after GEL –


  136. Conspiracy Man says:

    Ambers Closed Eyes: … and why did it take you six years to graduate from high school … and why are you both in your twenties and still not in college . . . etc.

  137. Let's Face it-Tyler is gay says:

    Finished watching it-I can’t believe Farrah didn’t cry when Sophia left. I cried! She is awful, awful, awful. I loved when she was explaining to her mom what happened w/ Daniel and she was so clueless to her shitty behavior driving him away. And Debra claiming that he needs “anger management”, seriously, what? He was totally chill and ignored her. He should have gone off on her for how she acted in front of his parents. Farrah sucks!!!

  138. the vest choking daniele says:

    So has anyone read farrahs book reviews on amazon? Juat go and read a few of them some of the things she wrote about are totally gross and inappropriate but hey it was a book written by farrah you cant expect much

  139. Don't Call Me Shirley says:

    Hilarious recap as always Patrick.

    Two random things:

    1. At the “classy” breakfast at the diner with a paper sign, April was chowing down on sausages the whole time like there was no tomorrow. I guess that’s why she doesn’t miss Butch as much because same/same…..

    2. As Amber’s coke-addled mom stormed off after being compared to “people”, I noticed Amber’s sad “Welcome Home” sign was still hanging. Seriously? She wouldn’t even have to lose contact with the couch to take it down. Surely, she must be the laziest person on the planet. Yes she is….. but don’t call me Shirley!

  140. Soph's red cowboy boots says:

    i read some of the “sample chapters” or whatever they’re called on Amazon. Just out of curioustiy- i wanted to see what garbage was in that book.
    It was everything i expected and worse!

    Cannot wait for Teen Mom2 to come back into our lives….!!

  141. I'm Pumped says:

    @bitchass-Leah and Farrah are attending the same school!
    Can we puh-lezzzz talk about Farrah’s stupid song and book?

  142. Brandon and Teresa's Restraining Order says:

    Were there any kids at Bint-Lee’s “party”?It doesn’t really seem llike much of a pumping good time when you’re basically just hanging out with your mom and grandparents.For Maci to be such a pimple on the ass of society she has really lucked out when it comes to guys.Rhine is sooo hot and you can genuinely see that Ky loves Bint-lee

  143. Hachet Face says:

    @I’m Pumped – I just read some of the sample chapters of Farrah’s book online and I am DYING. It is amazingly terrible. My favorite line was when she was talking about dating Derek and she said “I always maintain class in front of other people.” Um, seriously??


    Hot Dogs In Farrah’s Face All Day – YES. Mama June should definitely adopt Leah. Honey Boo Boo actually seems like a really sweet kid and I would way rather hang out with her than any of the teen “moms”. Which, as another poster pointed out, only one out of four of them still have physical custody of their child.
    I think Maci would have been a better mother if this show never went ahead. She seemed pretty down-to-earth and sweet during 16 and Pregnant and even during the first season of Teen Mom, but the fame has definitely gone to head. Just because she’s doing slightly better than the others does not make her a perfect parent…far from it. Bintlee will prove me right in a few years.
    Also, how often does that kid have a birthday?? I didn’t see the episode because I live overseas, but it seems like every season Bintlee has a birthday party and aren’t the seasons filmed concurrently? Why don’t the other kids have birthdays?
    Finally, I feel sorry for Dalis because I’ve been in her situation and it sucks. However, I agree with the poster above who said that she needs to stop letting herself get involved with all of the drama and focus on protecting Bintlee. Many a time when I’ve been in the presence of my husband and his “baby mama” I’ve had to bite my tongue and drag my stepdaughters off to a separate room to play Barbies and distract them from the petty arguing going on. I can give sound advice until I turn blue and steam comes out of my ears…no-one will ever listen. A lot of parents in that situation simply don’t see the damage they’re doing to their kid and telling them otherwise is a waste of breath. I’ve accepted that now – Dalis, your turn.
    One more thing – out of all of the toddlers on this show (seasons one and two) something tells me that Aubree is going to be the biggest screw-up of the lot. Don’t ask me to explain why; I just know it. Chelsea will become a grandmother at around about the same age as Mama June.


    Oh, yeah – poor Leah! I saw the bit where she told Amber she needed her on a preview online and it just about made me bawl…the poor kid. What makes it even more sad is that now we all know Amber is banged up and Leah has to do without a mum for another five years…which is a really long time to a little kid. Gary needs to get it together and lose weight for his little girl so that she’ll at least have one parent in her life as she grows up. I’m a dietician/nutritionist and see some big people but it’s scary how massive Gary is and how he doesn’t even think he has a problem!!

  146. PuffyLeatherGentlemanGreeter says:

    MTV has been playing all the old Teen Moms and my dvr recorded them. I watched a few out of season 1 and after watching Debra meet Farrah’s bf Cole for the first time…Wow. I totally see where Farrah got her awkward rudeness. Obviously it wasn’t AS bad as Farrah meeting Daniel’s parents. Only because it was a mother meeting a boy, it was definitely still a tactless nightmare.

  147. PuffyLeatherGentlemanGreeter says:

    OMG and if GarBear gets a hot tub he better also have a bucket of County (Kuntry?) Crock and a shoehorn tubside to help get his ass out of it. Pretty soon he might also need them to pry his ass out of his recliner…and his van…hell he should just have butter and a shoehorn handy no matter where he goes.

  148. The Pacifier Still In Use During H/S Graduation says:

    Puffy Leather Gentleman Greeter…

    Much like a ciminal, I find I have to come back to our beloved IBBB blog (aka scene of the crime!) to see what comments haver been posted.

    I’m not sure if I can agree with you about Gar Bear keeping butter/margarine or Crisco and shoe horn on hand for removing himself from the tight spots. I’m too afraid at one point, the oils involved combined with the effort of him trying to move, causing the labored breathing and sweating – we would beging to be treated (GAG!!!) to the disgusting aroma’s of cooking/baking flesh/fat!!! Sorry… first thought that popped to mind!

  149. The Pacifier Still In Use During H/S Graduation says:

    One other thing my beloved IBBB family – shall we think about having the occasional post show (every few months) reunion/gatherings as “Ye Old IBBB Watering Hole” i.e.: this here site… where we can talk amongst ourselves about these four hot messess as we all know they will up the antics to all kinds of new time highs to remain in the media spotlight?


  150. Kim's Perm says:

    Maci really is a piece of shit for involving Bentley in that whole debacle when two separate parties were already planned! I just watched the episode and can’t believe the twitterverse flipped on Dalis for saying “good” when two brickheads stopped their ridiculous bickering. Yea #teamdalis!

    Funny that April was just about the most insightful one about the iCarly sitch. Apes said something like “But she’s [iCarly] not ours…” when listening to Kim express bewilderment that Brandon and Theresa still don’t want their toddler around a bunch of meth head freaks.

  151. your left ovary says:

    @PuffyLeatherGentlemanGreeter – no butter. Gary might eat it. Make it some WD-40.

  152. dave algonquin says:

    I love how Ty’s mom said that she knew iCarly “was moving to another to state…” as if she believed iCarly simply went away to college (no doubt she’ll have graduated before most of the Teen Mom crew!) and would be back for the holidays. C’mon Dawn from Bethany Christian Services! I thought it was your job to set these people straight sooner!

  153. The Pacifier Still In Use During H/S Graduation says:

    Hey dave algonquin – go back and watch in the 1st season (maybe even 1st episode) of Teen Mom – when Cate and Ty Ty are talking with their friends and they are like “oh yeah, we can see her whenever, during summers and she can come here… etc.”

    Honestly? I’m NOT so sure it’s Bethany, as much as they do NOT understand the meaning of adoption.

  154. Amber's Pill Bottles says:

    Dave – thank you! I was thinking the same thing – “she was moving to another state” – yes, and as a BIOLOGICAL grandparent, it isn’t necessarily your RIGHT to be in contact with her and her parents!

    Pacifier – I agree totally! Although I wish the folks from Bethany would, upon seeing these kids and their families not “getting” the fact that Carly isn’t at some sleepaway camp until Husky Kitty and Son of a Butch grow up, would have sat them down and said, “I think you may have taken some of the parameters of this adoption and exaggerated them – A LOT!” It seems to me that Catelynn and Tyler have heard a bunch of “best-case scenarios” from other birth parents re: their relationships with their adoptive families and have instantly applied them to their situation. Such as, “It’s so nice, now my 20 year-old biological son spends 2 weeks with me every summer”, becomes “Oh yes, Carly will want to spend the summers with us when she gets older” – uh yeah, have you run that idea past BrandonTeresa?

    I also get the feeling that none of C & Ts family has a good sense of boundaries in this mess. Kim hunting down BrandonTeresa’s phone number last season and CALLING BrandonTeresa without even clearing it with C & T? WTF? Or the time of Carly’s 1st birthday when they sent her a necklace with the birthstones of Carly, Catelynn and Tyler? Odd….

  155. dave algonquin says:

    Yea honestly I’ve never gotten this idea that Kim is some super super mom. I mean, sure, she seems to have been a better than Butch and Apes in the same way that Maci is a “better” parent than her Teen Mom peers. Last years surprise phone call to BrandonAnd Theresa proved Kim’s not all there. Now she’s acting like iCarly is at summer camp and APRIL is the most sensible adult in the room?? Weird sh!t I tell you!

  156. hollywood says:

    I just listened to Farrah’s song. There aren’t words. I can never get those three minutes of my life back.

    And another thing…It’s truly painful to listen to Farrah and her mom speaking to Sophia in their annoying baby-talk voices. Nails on a chalkboard. A few episodes ago I am pretty sure I saw Sophia roll her eyes at Farrah. Karma’s a bitch.

  157. Son of a Butch says:

    I agree with all the posters that are saying that Cate and Ty don’t really understand the whole adoption deal. It’s not like you gave her away to another family but you still get to call the shots… and how can they not look at the episodes and see how painfully awkward Brandonteresa get whenever they talk about visiting, grandparents, etc. Unfortunately ‘open’ adoption obviously means two different things to these people, and I wish Dawn would step in and clarify for both parties. How hard is it for her to ask B&T exactly how much contact they want to have (I’m sure it’s sending pictures and MAYBE a visit once a year), and then tell Cate and Ty? I’m sure it would be better than them getting their hopes up that they are going to be a big happy family one day when they get their lives back on track.

    I’m pretty sure one day Sophia will kill her mom and grandmother in their sleep. She has that evil look about her, and instead of treating her like the gremlin she is, they treat her like she’s a shiny new car.

  158. Amber's Acne says:

    Where’s the finale? Anyways, I’ve never laughed harder in my life than at the moment Amber started puffing for air and fell dramatically on the bed. HILARIOUS.