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Teen Mom Recap: What’s Love Got to Do With It?
Tonight on a very special episode of Teen Mom we deal with the delicate subject of domestic violence. Remember, abuse is never ok and if you know someone who is in an April and Butch style situation please let them know that, well, no one likes a snitch so take it to the grave. God is love, Rev Run.
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Catelynn April and Butch – Catelynn is busy working away at what I can only assume is a Fashion Bug in a strip mall which sells lots-o-gold jewelry and probably those Bugs Bunny and Tasmanian Devil t-shirts where, you know, they show the characters on the front and the back. Ooo la la. I know. It’s very big in Milan right now and, well, those third world countries where the starving kids get outdated t-shirts for warmth. Eh, anything to keep the flies off their stomachs. Meanwhile, Tyler Perry is back in the trailer sitting on sliced up puffy leather chairs when April gives him a call. Creepily he says, “Hi Mom!” when he answers. I’m sure Kim’s old perm is rolling over in its grave when it hears crap like that. April unfortunately needs to break the news to Ty Ty Banks that Butch is back in the slammer because he beat the bag out of her again. Apparently April thinks that Butch was “on something” because he didn’t “look like himself” and freaked out when she was on the phone talking to her girlfriend. How did it not look like Butch? I mean it’s not like suddenly he’s retired his wife-beater and snipped off his rat-tail-mullet, did he? I actually felt bad for April because she claims she was really roughed up. I did, however, squeal with delight when she said (and I quote), “I look like I got ran over by a truck.” I mean, same/same no? I’m sure the folks down at the police station were like, “April you look exactly the same as always, are you sure he ‘loved on you’ with his fists?” And Tyler, on the other end, just reacts like April informed him that someone is already bringing cupcakes for dessert this Christmas so he needs to figure out another dessert to make. He’s like, “Ugh, Okaaaaay.” I’m sure he couldn’t muster up enough strength to get angry, you know, with all that gold weighing him down. Oh, and my personal favorite was when he texted Catelynn the news. It was like, “My dad went back to prison. He beat up your mom. Bring home eggs. Also, bring home more gold chains. Xoxo Ty Ty.”
Unfortunately we won’t be able to see the beat down between Butch and April, but I have a feeling it went down a little something like this. Now you must understand that the touch of your hand makes my pulse react. That it’s only the thrill of a boy meeting girl, opposites attract. It’s physical. Only logical. You must try to ignore that it means more than that, whoa whoa. What’s love got to do, got to do with it. What’s love, but a secondhand emotion. What’s love got to do, got to do with it. Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken. But I digress. I’m sure shortly after Butch, high on “the meth” confused April for “Bonk” and thought his Rice Krispies were trying to kill him so he slapped at April all whilst she tried to put out cigarettes on his mullet. From there I’m sure she bolted out of the house, running across the highway in a white pants-suit, ran into a Howard Johnson’s and went to the front desk (all bloody) and saying to the night worker, “My husband and I got into a fight tonight. I don’t have any money on me (or in my bank account) but if you could get me a room I promise I’ll pay you back.” And then she would start to take off her Twisted Tea cap necklace that she made as collateral for the room. I mean, if AnnaMae just “took five” maybe this would have never happened. Plus, if Butch treated April like education and, you know, ignored her he would probably be a free man today. You better eat the cake, AnnaMae!
However, Ty went over to visit April and find out exactly what happened. It’s really quite the story. As we know, April and Butch were next door having ” a few beers” which I’m pretty sure is code for “doing blow off a cows tail” when suddenly Butch thought April was talking to Nick’s dad over the phone. I’m sorry, Butch isn’t Nick’s dad? What? I was wrong this whole time? So Butch and April don’t have any children together? Well clearly this must change immediately. Let’s set up some conjugal visits stat! So Butch freaked out and started playing “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition For the Poors” with April by slamming her head into the bathroom wall, causing a hole, and then somehow breaking the toilet seat. I mean, let’s be honest…I’m sure the toilet seat was already broken and, well, the hole in the bathroom wall was probably from little Nick trying to Shawshank his way out of the trailer for good. After Butch tied a towel around April’s neck and tried to choke her, she punched him over and over again and was screaming until her hillbilly friend called the police and took Butch away. April sure is a Chatty Cathy with this story and now is talking all kinds of crazy about wanting to go to AA meetings with her friend and leaving Butch for good. Obviously this is just “drunk talk” right now.
In the end, Ty and April chat about when Butch will really hit rock bottom and they decide that death will be his rock bottom. Ty cries over thinking of going to his funeral and I cry thinking of Butch in a double-wide coffin with his rat-tail draped over the side of the casket. April is really on the fence about what to do with Butch until Tyler shows April a text to Tyler from Butch that says he does love him, but how he loves cocaine more than him or anything else in his life. Awww that’s so sweet. My parents wrote that same message across my ice cream cake when I graduated from college. I believe it said, “Congratulations! We Love Cocaine More Than You.” Then there were blue and yellow rosettes all around the top. Eh, at least there were crushed up Oreo cookies inside. I love that better than coke. Why Cate didn’t want iCarly around any of this is beyond me. She could have been there to help little Nick make that hole bigger. Teamwork. Geesh.
Amber – Well she’s fresh out of “the ‘hab” and Amber is doing better than ever. She’s about 29 years old, looks 59, and is still studying for that pesky GED. Jesus, just circle “C” for every answer and let the chips fall where they may. I’m not quite sure how she can even see any of the questions with those fake eyelashes but, you know what, I’m not a fashionista. At the same time, I’m also not a maxinista so, well, there’s that. It’s a real lose/lose for me. Since the cameras are-a-rollin’ Amby-Pants decides to call up Gary so she can say hello to Leah. Apparently Leah is just about to go to sleep and Amber wants to drive over to spend five minutes with her, which is really sweet considering that she later claims she hasn’t seen Leah in a week. Gary won’t let Amber come over for genuine reasons which include the fact that he thinks seeing Leah for only 5 minutes is a tease and will make her cry once Amber leaves. Amber reacts beautifully to this by yelling and swearing at Gary and then freaking out on him when he swears back at her. Looks like all that therapy was working! #Cured
Since Amber can’t see Leah for 5 minutes this week she decides to take her troubles off her mind and focus on her FUPA so she’s heading to a little dinner with our beloved Krystal Meth. I love how Amber always eats with one elbow on the table and her hand up by her giant head like she’s ready to punch the waiter square in the face if he were to ask if she’s ready to see a dessert menu. Amber tells Krystal Meth that she can’t deal with life and is actually missing rehab and would rather be back there right now. At least we now understand her train of thought for wanting to spend 5 years in “gel.” Krystal takes it upon herself to call Gary and ask if Amber can see Leah the following day. Gary immediately agrees and is pretty nice over the phone and then asks if Amber can hear him right now, to which Amber responds, “Yeah I can hear you fat ass!” I immediately did the Scooby Doo “Ruh Roh” and ducked behind my laptop. Then I realized Amber couldn’t see me so I came out of hiding…shaken but safe. You know things are bad when Krystal Meth is the voice of reason asking Amber why she called Gary’s fat ass a fat ass when he was being nice to her. Amber could have easily answered this question by these 6 little words: I’m crazy.
The “next day” Amber is sitting around on her couch, per usual, waiting for Gary to drop off Leah so she can pretend to be a mother for the cameras. When Gary doesn’t show up on time she calls him, yells at him, and then demands, “Bring me my daughter, fat ass.” Amber is really hitting Gary where it hurts. In the obesity. Is it just me or is it odd that Amber starts yelling and swearing at Gary and as soon as he says one thing to her she’s always like, “Don’t cuss at me Gary!” and actually seems shocked that he’s yelling at her. Like, where did this come from? I forget, was Amber diagnosed with bipolar? I don’t think that’s what she has as we never see her abnormally happy and carefree. We only see the “downer” Ambjikistan.
Once Amber finally has Leah she teaches her things like her colors. I’m pretty sure Amber got almost all of her colors right. Well she missed blue, but I think Leah corrected her. She should be teaching Leah how to converse with people through a glass wall and how to sneak a knife past the guards. These are the things that a mother should teach her child. In the end, Amber and Krystal Meth take their kids to McDonald’s and then to the park so they can focus on future obesity and then, you know, play afterwards. Seriously, the last thing I’d want to do after eating McDonald’s is run. I’d be doing Shasta McNasty in my pants immediately. I mean, I feel the need to do it now just by typing the word “McDonald’s.” While Amber is getting a bit on the boring side I still think it would be fascinating watching her live life in prison. I may visit her just for the hell of it. Ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it.
Farrah – Ever since Farrah has been receiving sexual pleasure from the likes of a man she’s been a lot happier lately. Maybe if Debra could get drilled on the regular she’d be happy too and everyone could get along. Perhaps if we all chip in and send Debra a vibrator in the shape of the Grinch that would be helpful. We’re changing lives here at IBBB. Anycindyloowho, since Farrah is getting d*ck she’s happy enough to take Baby Goop to ride a pony which I think is totally safe. No, no I know Sophia will be safe. I’m talking about the horse. That animal shall be stabbed by whatever Goop can get her hands on. Personally I like when Farrah tries to take a picture of Sophia on the horse and is like “say cheese” and Sophia makes this weird expression with her mouth. Almost like she wants to eat your face. Is it too early for braces? Eh, I’m sure eventually Debra will punch her teeth out anyway. Cost effective.
Baby Goop is “having a day” and wreaking havoc all over the apartment as Farrah tries to get ready for her first day of school. Farrah is getting dressed up like she’s heading out to “da club” for the night and is even sporting a giant green hat like she’ll swing by the Kentucky Derby before her “art appreciation” class. Sophia is acting like a 2-year old so Farrah puts her in time-out in her room all whilst Baby Goop cries and plots her revenge. At least Farrah was nice enough to explain to Sophia that she’s “being weird right now.” I’m sure that makes a 2-year old feel great. Farrah drops off Sophia at one of her 6 babysitters and then heads off to class. My money is on the fact that the babysitter will most likely sell Sophia on the black market and we’ll never see her again. To my shock, Debra calls Farrah to wish her well on her first day of class and Farrah is actually nice to her. I know. She even ends her conversation with a smile and tells Debra she loves her. I actually hit rewind on my DVR to make sure she was talking to Debra and not a producer.
Since Farrah finds happiness and self acceptance from random men, it’s clearly time that Sophia meet Daniel. So, Farrah, Daniel, and Baby Goop all head out to a nice early-bird special. At least Sophia won’t be passed out at the table like she was the last time. Drunk. I hate that I’m going to admit this right now, but Daniel actually appears to not be a complete douche-nozzle. I’m not sure if he’ll stick around, but I’m sure eventually Farrah’s beaming personality and crazy-streak will scare him away for good. I bet Debra will take the brunt of that break-up. Sophia seems to be happy with Daniel as well. I’m kidding. She has no clue what is going on right now. All she does know is that her entire life consisted of a camera crew in her face and a variety of babysitters. In the end, the three of them go home so that Sophia can Skype with Debra and eventually Farrah can really double down on Daniels’ dinky. It’s always such a thrill when we see Debra via “the Skype.” I would absolutely love to Skype with her on the regular. I’d put my laptop in bed with me, Skype with Debra, and pretend I was napping with her. That’s not weird, right? I’d even place a few knives in my bed so if I rolled over and started to feel a pinch and some blood I would think it was Debra giving me “love kisses” with the butcher knives. I have a lot of problems. A lot.
Maci – This bricks wanted to originally buy a house for $379,000, but ended up settling for one that was only $79,000. Decent range. I’m pretty sure the house they settled on was the same one that the 3 Little Pigs lived in.
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Episode Rating: 4 Anna Mae’s Eating the Damn Cake!
Craptastic Thoughts from IBBB Readers!
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IBBB Said,
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Tyler's Gay Lover Said,
Hahaha! The visual of Nick trying to “Shawshank his way out of the trailer” was gold. Great recap! I haven’t even watched it yet because I like reading your recap first.
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I love blow more than Tyler Said,
A week is TOO long between these updates. Anygoop…did anyone else notice that Sophia took the paci out of her own damn mouth to lisp “cheese-th” at the horse farm? Even she recognizes in that two year old brain she is too old for that shit! Also loved that baby goop is at two years old apparently showers by herself…with her paci of course. Jesus Christ, Farrah, you spent the whole fucking day getting ready for a date but you can’t spend ten minutes giving your kid a bath?!? Soooooo looking forward to Kyyyyy dumping Maci on her ass so she has to move out of HIS house. Loved how buying a house take ten seconds of paperwork and requires only one signature! Man, my hubby and I sure have been using the wrong realtor all these years….did you see the ’side eye ‘ the realtor gave brat -lee when he went tearing through the $400k house with a sippy cup full of bright red kool aid?
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ang Said,
does everyone in michigan look like they just crawled out of a crack house after being gang banged?
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Conspiracy Man Said,
Despite the facts that Tyler and Catelynn annoy the living crap out of me and I, too, love cocaine more than either of them or both of them put together, I just actually sympathize with them. What horrible lives they have both been forced to endure? Wow. My dad will never, ever text anything to anyone and generally never says the word, “love”, but I could not imagine getting a text from him that says he loves cocaine more than me.
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Conspiracy Man Said,
Why did Maci need to put the house in Kyle’s name? She surely has enough bank to pay the $79,000 in cash out of pocket. If she has been making at least $280K per year over the past few years (like Amber), she must be racing through the cash like crazy. She really has to finance a home at $79K? I can’t wait to see when she is completely bankrupt at age 25 and forced to work the pole (but I am not saying I would go see it).
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I love blow more than Tyler Said,
Love how Farrah spends the whole day getting ready for her date but throws her two year old in the shower by herself….well she at least had her paci for company….
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Rehab Swing Said,
@Conspiracy Man
I wondered the same thing about the house. Maci’s obvi spending her money on getting her hair dyed every five seconds. I would’ve thought she could have paid outright for the chalet that was almost $400,000… chump change really.Sidenote, can someone buy this girl a scrunchie so she’s not always pulling her hair up in a ponytail fashion with her hands then letting it drop only to do the same thing five seconds later?
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If Catelyn and Teresa's Hairlines Meet Said,
Farrah’s gentleman’s greeter is very happy…Amber’s is very angry. Sophia has turned into a Gremlin.
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Chin cysts Said,
Sooo unemployed CAB Ky has better credit than Maci, who’s raking in the big bucks from the MTV. Someone explain this to me. Although I guess he was able to fund the “brabus” with the siq red rims so…
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April’s love machine Said,
Maci put the house in kyle’s name so that way when they break up, she has no ties. She has no house payment, nothing. She is free to roam the streets for more albino bulldog’s while kyle is stuck with a mortgage!
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Rehab Swing Said,
Maci’s obvi spending her $$$ on hair dye every other day… blond to black to red and back again, then a mix of all of the above… prolly just made CAB finance it because he is her suga daddy
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Rehab Swing Said,
Actually I’m surprised she didn’t make Bint finance it.
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QueenofCorona Said,
Did anyone else see Sophia’s vampire teeth?
Farrah is very Vicki Gunvalson in that she (nor anyone in her path of venom) can be happy unless her love tank is being filled on the regular. Her once dead tank is alive again.
I love all you fat asses like a trailer troll loves coke.
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donna Said,
sophia looks like that because shes like 20 and still has a damn pacifer.
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donna Said,
sophia looks like that because shes like 20 and still has a damn pacifer.how can maci afford 1000 a month?i should have gotten knocked up at 16.
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Caitlin's Chewed off Fingernail Polish Said,
Did you notice that Chrystal Meth is with spawn again? Spin off, please????
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Scooby Said,
I wonder how Leah is the most well spoken, seemingly well-adjusted, and best dressed toddler with the most expensive toys on this crapbag show. Coming from that lard-filled, 50 shades of crazy gene pool, it’s a real shocker.
I, too, was shocked to hear that Butch isn’t Nick’s dad…good old April has gotten around the blocks a few times!
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donna Said,
amber really scares me..her meds really need to be upped before its her shooting up a movie theater..umm..too soon?sorry..maci doesnt have many for a house because she got a new rack.priorities people..
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donna Said,
doesnt catelynn have a sister?or is that from her dad?
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Conspiracy Man Said,
I saw on the internet that Daniel bolted from Farrah after two months of dating. It was apparently a very acrimonious split, and he did not have anything good to say about her. I was shocked to read that he found her controlling and that she was never wrong about anything.
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Scooby Said,
Did anyone else notice Maci saying that they pay $1,000/month for rent, while I distinctly remember them looking for apartments last season and their price range was $500?
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donna Said,
farrah,controlling?you must be mistaken…
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Conspiracy Man Said,
Donna- Sophia’s teeth confirm my theory that her teeth are not perfect, so Farrah vainly sticks a pacifier in her mouth whenever the camera is around to hide them. Could you imagine having a parent that is so vain and worried about superficial matters?
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Rehab Swing Said,
Did ya’ll see that story about Farrah and how surprised she said she was when she found out she was pregnant with Sophia?
Something about how she lives in the midwest and there was nothing to do but have ‘the sex’ and she was on birth control and blah blah blah. It made me laugh, cause I live in KS and am 26 and haven’t been knocked up yet… hmm. -
Conspiracy Man Said,
I read it on the internet, so it has to be true. I am as shocked as you are.
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Brandon and Teresa's Restraining Order Said,
The whole time I was watching the show I kept thinking this is the most ridiculous shit I’ve ever seen.Didn’t Farrah have one date with Daniel before introducing him to her child,her dog,and her mother via Skype.And then planning a vacation together too.Slow down Farrah .She’s trying to get knocked up again before the last episode?Also Butch probably should have left bruises on April’s neck instead of her arm.That would have called attention away from that humongous forehead.
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MBK Said,
April seemed a little too happy for someone who allegedly had her head smashed into a bathroom wall hours earlier. I call your bluff, April! I. Call. Your. Bluff.
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If Catelyn and Teresa's Hairlines Meet Said,
Rehab Swing..and yes, did you see how she said that when she found out, assume from a nurse, she got all crazy and angry at the woman that told her…..Farrah blowing up at someone..never thought I would see that happen. Oh Farrah, by the way, when Sophia pulled that fan down in the bathroom, that was just a test…she is waiting till next time you take a bath and her aim will be much better. Zap.
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Rehab Swing Said,
@Catelyn and Teresa’s Hairlines, yes! I know it’s hard to believe our calm and peaceful Farrah would do such a thing. I especially loved how in this episode she was flipping out on Baby Goop for being a toddler and then subsequently telling her that she was ‘just being a toddler’ but getting on mommy’s nerves or something like that(I was in and out of sleep watching this ep, hard to believe I know) Can you imagine the therapy bills the poor child is gonna have later? I hope Farrah is putting some of her money in a trust fun specifically for that.
Did anyone else laugh that Farrah went on a date to some restuarant that had ‘bulldog’ in the name? Wonder if Kyyy is raking in profits from that and that’s how he has money for the castle he bought for Maci.
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Why are you fucking cussing at me you piece of shit??? Said,
An episode would not be complete without Amber and Leah devouring Big Macs and Chicken Nuggest while Amber calls Gary a fatass
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Teresa Said,
i think this episode was sponsored by mcdonalds..because catelynn was eating it, and when she got to aprils, april had a sweet tea cup the the door annnnnnd then amber and her “cuzzo” were eating it at the park…
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Teresa Said,
typo **by the door**
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Amber's Pill Bottles Said,
@ Caitlin’s Chewed off Fingernail Polish – Amber mentioned that Krystal Meth was knocked up again during the first episode this season. Krystal Meth and her kid walked in through the front door of Amber’s castle, Amber’s on the couch (imagine that) and Amber says to Krystal’s Spawn #1 – “What’s up, Player?” (WTF) and then looks at Krystal Meth and says, in a totally doped-up dipshite voice while rubbing her own abdomen – “How’s the ba-by?” – sounded just like Marilyn Monroe!
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Ryan's Yawn Said,
Does anyone else want Ryan to take Maci to court to get Bent-Lee more just to stick it to Maci?
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Leah's habitual chicken nuggets Said,
I love this blog! Did anyone notice how Farrah almost dropped Shophia on her head trying to put her on the pony? I loved the look Sophia gave Daniel when they were being introduced like “who the hell are you?”
Who the hell walks through a house forl ike 5 minutes and goes…oh yea we’ll take it?! What the hell. I mean i know because of editing they could have been there for 25 minutes, but it still seems like really abrupt decision….
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QueenofCorona Said,
@Ryan’s yawn, yes! Little Red Zittinghood needs to be knocked down off her pedestal.
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Wednesdaystreat Said,
I guess I’m the only one who was aware that Nick was not Butch’s. That came up at some point—and the fact that all these people continue to reproduce is just scary. Although, not having any mini Butches (other than Ty, who is his mother’s TWIN in every way including mannerisms and voice) is a shame. Never fear, though, there is enough dogs and cats and cigarettes to go around!
The whole Maci thing is a JOKE! They are trying (unsuccessfully) to make it look like she leads a “real” life as a “teen mom.” She could have paid cash for the 379K and we all know it. It’s all so stupid, I can’t watch. And, NO, it wouldn’t be a BAD idea AT ALL for two kids like Maci and Bulldog to BUY A HOUSE together! Brilliant!
I agree–Leah is the most well-adjusted and smart one of the lot. Scary. When will the genes start to emerge??? It can’t be long.
RUN, DANIEL, RUN! He had no idea what freakos those two gals are that were Skyeping. Never fear, though, Debra will be Sophia’s real mom before the season is over. And if Farrah forgot to mention that in her book, she’s just holding out on us. When the kid gets to be about two, it’s not fun for you anymore.
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Wednesdaystreat Said,
My post seems to not have posted….
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Wednesdaystreat Said,
I don’t feel like totally rehashing my post, but basically:
They have mentioned that Nick is not Butch’s, which is really a shame since the only Butch offspring (wait! What about that sister of Ty’s from 16 and Pregnant?? Who knows. Probably somebody else’s) is Ty who is his mother’s child in every sense of the word–mannerisms, voice, you name it.
The Maci thing is a joke–just stop trying to make it look like these girls are broke, MTV. And if neither Maci or BD work, how do they “easily” afford 1000 a month??
RUN DANIEL RUN!! These ladies are NUTZ!!!! And never fear, Sophia will be Debra’s legally by season’s end, and if she forgot that part in her book, she’s lying. When they get to be about two, it’s not so fun.
I agree–Leah is the most smart and well-adjusted kid. How long can this last before “the genes” come out?
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Your Puffy Leather Said,
I thought it was funny when April was talking about going to AA all whilst a glass of beer was sitting in front of her (probably without a coaster underneath SMH)
I wanted to punch my tv when Leah and her cousin were eating mcdonalds on the table and she kept touching her face and hair with her greasy mcnugget hands! ACNE!
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donna Said,
just read that in farrahs book,she admitted drinking,doing pot and cocaine..maybe she was hanging with butch..
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Jenny Said,
@ Donna – I also read that Farrah loves the coke and pot.
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T*ts on a stick Said,
Geez, that Daniel guy is totally the younger version of Farrah’s dad!
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If Catelyn and Teresa's Hairlines Meet Said,
On at Stick..ok, now I am completely freaked out. I kept thinking he reminded me of somebody and THAT IS IT. What if he is Michael’s long lost son??? We could have Cate/Ty/Butch/April situation version 2.0 on our hands….can’t wait for Inbred Teen Mom.
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What's Pre-school Said,
Maybe this is coming out of my ass, but if a child sucks on a pacifier too long, can’t that to damage to their teeth? I used a pacifier till age 4 and I have an over-bite.
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tyler loves my-kuhl Said,
Oh, Farrah…what a self obsessed c*nt bag you are. I believe it’s SUPPOSED to go “I hope my evil looking little fang toothed toddler likes and feels comfortable around my new boyfriend”…not…”I hope baby goop doesn’t act like a two year old and throw a tantrum, thus ruining my only chance at getting the high hard one this year.” And Maci: listen darling, arent you a little young to have COMPLETELY given up on your looks? Hey… Yeah, I’m rocking the granny panties and ponytail but I’ve been married 16 years. You looked good enough once to snag Riiiiiinnne…put your contacts in, put on some fucking make up and wash your hair….k? Thanks.
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TrickyCat18 Said,
this was amazing!!! Perhaps your best blog ever!!
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tyler loves my-kuhl Said,
And …anyone else think “butch went crazy while I was on the phone” really means “yeah…so we was fightin’ over the last rock of crack…and well…”
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T*ts on a stick Said,
Lol Cate and Teresa’s Hairlines! Seriously, this episode reminded me that Cate and Ty are step-siblings — they act more like brother and sister than boyfriend and girlfriend.
Daniel better watch out, pretty soon he’s going to ask Farrah a perfectly innocent question, like “Do you like Florida?” and she’s going to go all Debra-Who on him and get out the trash claw and butcher knives while baby Goop is yelling “Shut the f*ck up DANIEL!” and rolling her eyes at Farrah.
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Hachet Face Said,
I am dying at the image of iCarly and Nick chipping through the bathroom wall!!!
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April the punching bag Said,
Its a crying shame that all these knocked up teens, with fucked up parents all drive nice cars and can buy/rent nice places. While I live in a mobile home. WTF!
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BlackholeofSkankdom Said,
Did you notice how April said that she and Butch were next door having a few and then in the next sentence she’s talking about the fight and said, ‘thank God Nick was asleep.” Did they leave him alone in the house while they were drinking next door? How fucked up is that?
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Broken Toliet Seat Said,
@BlackholeofSkankton I was wondering the same thing! I was really confused when she was beginning to tell Tyler the “story” and she’s all oh i don’t wanna talk about it in front of Nick. Does she really think that poor kid doesn’t know what goes on? I’m sure Nick can’t tie own shoes but Ill bet he knows a broken wall when he hears one.
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kerry Said,
Farrah was so annoyed at goop, I’m pretty sure if the camera’s weren’t there she’d have gotten a spanking. Goop would have hit her back, naturally.
I’m still through with seeing Leah’s hair constantly in her face. Bangs might be the solution because ponytails certainly aren’t.
I looked up pics of Tyler and Cate’s new house and am jealous of their shower. What a day when those trash bags are the most financially saavy of the bunch.
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Kate Said,
Amazing recrap as usual, sir. Looks like I’m going to have to catch this one on a repeat. I missed it last night, as I was watching the 5 teen not-moms flipping for gold. Geez, who needs years of grueling training, gold medals, endorsements, and their picture on a Wheaties box when you can just get knocked up at 16 & have an MTV show for the next 4 years?
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Chin cysts Said,
@BlackholeofSkankdom I hadn’t put that together, but cheesus crust. Is the Michigan CPS listening to this shit? Sure, keep telling yourself that Nick was asleep for the entire thing. April herself said that she was yelling loud enough for the neighbor to hear her and to call 911. You think Nick was asleep for that?
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Benney Said,
I almost died laughing when Farrah got mad at Mini-Farrah put her in her room and said”that will teach you to slam doors” or something like that. Oh this is going to be fuuuuuuuun. I hope Mini farrah is just like her mother. and then Farrah will dye her hair blonde,let it get stringy, wear mom jeans,and call MTV soon!
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Joe's Rap Career Said,
this recap was so funny and dead-on!
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Conspiracy Man Said,
tyler loves my-kuhl- I agree. I would really love to know the real story of what happened with Butch and April. You could tell that she was switching in and out of truth when she was telling the story. Butch must have gotten his hands on some drugs somewhere . . . but April is completely uninvolved with that angle of the story. I am guessing that the version that we heard was about 30% true. The parts about where her head hit the wall were probably accurate, but the rest of it is a complete fabrication.
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Conspiracy Man Said,
I forgot to mention that I appreciated the artistry of the recap. The Ike/Tina angle was awesome. Well done.
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Conspiracy Man Said,
Daniel also has Michael’s exact head shape.
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Conspiracy Man Said,
I was interested in the Farrah drug problem and found an article that showed where Farrah used a fake ID to get wasted in Omaha after Sophia was born. She got into a fight with her sunnily-dispositioned sister, Ashley, and Ashley had the following comments-
“My little sister is a spoiled, thankless brat and needs to seriously grow up – not just for herself, but for her baby daughter!” declared Ashley Danielson, 23, Farrah’s half sister, in an exclusive ENQUIRER interview.
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Trash Claw Said,
“I immediately did the Scooby Doo “Ruh Roh” and ducked behind my laptop. Then I realized Amber couldn’t see me so I came out of hiding…shaken but safe.”…..hahahaha…..FANTASTIC!
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Trash Clash Said,
April is looking more and more like skeletor
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Trash Claw Said,
And how about Farrah asking Debra to go to Florida to watch Sophia for a few days while she goes to Texas with Daniel. WTF?! I just recently read a comment by Daniel saying that they used to “party while Sophia was asleep”………it referred to him as her ex-boyfriend.
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BlackholeofSkankdom Said,
I wonder if Farrah is taking a page out if Dr. April’s Book of Parenting (and Meth Making) and leaving Gulch, Jr. in the apartment alone while she’s asleep?
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KittyKat Said,
Poor Daniel. Yet another seemingly nice guy ruined by a bitch queen. He was wayyyy too good for Farrah.
Amber is hopeless. I’m glad Leah will be away from her during her stay in gel.
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Amby's hand piercing Said,
I havent seen this episode yet, but i cant wait to see what kind of gem Maci and Ky buy for under $100K.
Once again, why do i live in New England?Also sounds like Amby was sprung for the “hab” one too many weeks too soon.
Poor Gerrry– dont call him a fatass. Hes just a single Dad living off of Boston Market— and plus, he’s big boned! LOL -
QueenofCorona Said,
I think Amber might be mean because of all the tetanus running through her veins. I hope for her other gel mates the lock jaw has set in. I want to see her featured on msnbc’s Lock Down. I bet she comes out a lesbean.
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Conspiracy Man Said,
I am confused. According to another article, Daniel says that Farrah moved to FL by herself and stayed there without Sophia for months. Does this mean the MTV fabricated the entire moving story after the fact? Daniel said that Farrah tried to ignore Sophia as much as possible, and she was only interested in “partying”.
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April's Beer Breath Said,
It seemed to me that when recapping the skirmish, April was trying to convince all of us that what she said had really really happened. She kept saying, “right? RIGHT??” Um ok April we all believe you. Catelyn’s face when April was right up in Catelyn’s nostrils proves April was drunker than Cootie Brown.
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donna Said,
i just got banned from a teen mom fanpage for saying maci is not as wonderful as everyone thinks she is.go to teen mom forever and tell them they suck.lol.
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donna Said,
p.s.love anna mae eating the cake.
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Conspiracy Man Said,
Good work, Donna.
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donna Said,
i try,conspiracy man,i try.
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If Catelyn and Teresa's Hairlines Meet Said,
I am so glad I found this board…other ones take this all so seriously and actually fight and seem to care about these imbeciles. Thank god there are others as heartless as I am…
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Scopped Liver Said,
The Baby Goop/Gremlin comparison is spot on! I also think Baby Goop is on the bath salts. April seemed all too excited to tell everyone about her ass beating. Perhaps she’s on bath salts as well. I’m pretty sure Tyler’s sister is also Butch’s kid.
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donna Said,
if catelynn and teresas hairlines meet…dont worry,youre among friends here..we are an equal opportunity offender..
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Gary's Seatbelt Extender Said,
Queen of Corona: That would be amazing if Amber was on MSNBC’s Lockup. I love the episodes that take place in women’s prison. Hopefully Amber will be locked up with that burly lesbian named ‘Big D’ that was on that one time. We’ll see Amber trying to steal a glance at Big D through the little window in solitary confinement, making heart shapes with her hands.
When they first showed April, it took me about 5 solid minutes to figure out if she had two bruised eyes, or if that was just Ape’s everyday hollowed-out rode hard dark circles around the eyes. And I love that Ty keeps using the Intervention “Love him to death” classic. I’m all “ah, YES! That’s a good one!” when he says it.
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Amanda Said,
I. Love. Your. Shit.
God is love. -
Scopped Liver Said,
In addition to puffy leather couches, I have another way you can tell who are The Poors. Native American dream catchers. They have them all over!! All over their walls. Butch apparently has one tattooed on his leg. I rest my case.
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If Catelyn and Teresa's Hairlines Meet Said,
Liver…the Dream Catcher…very interesting analogy because the most famous Poor in the world, trying to disguise herself as a Rich, is Miley Cyrus and she has a HUGE dream catcher tattoo on her rib cage…perhaps it is a secret signal to other Poors to let them know…inside, where it counts, where her heart should be, is a puffy leather couch…she too, is still a Poor….
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Miss W Said,
@If Catelyn and Teresa’s Hairlines Meet, I agree about this board being the best because its readers are all in agreement. I hate those boards where people just cuss each other out. They seem a little trashy. Ok, a lot trashy.
The nastiest thing on this episode was when Ambuhhh licked her hand while holding the McDonald’s wrapper. UGHHHH. -
RandomCommenter Said,
Really, I hate to bring up Ashley/Farrah in the same sentence, but who is Ashley to refer to Farrah as spoiled when anytime she graces us with her presence, she seems to have quite the attitude as well. And is it just me, or is anyone wondering why Ashley has such f***ed up teeth and a permanant Orange Crush shade to her skin? Farrah got her teeth fixed, since she was wearing braces/Invisalign for 10 years evidently, just as annoying as it is for Catelynn to constantly have that weird way of speaking/mouth position that retainer-wearers have. Unfortunate. Speaking of unfortunate, (once again) is it just me or are Tyler and Catelynn acting like an old married couple more and more? They have been together a very long time, perhaps they’ve outgrown each other. I don’t care much for Tyler and his wannabe rapper look, but she seems like she tries to hard to be cute/funny. Just a few (a million) thoughts.
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Dani Said,
How is it that April is a dude magnet? I had no idea Butch wasn’t Nick’s father. Holy crap, this just boggles the mind that April can rest easy knowing there will be another guy to keep her ass warm now that she is kickin’ Butch to the curb. Well that and the prison thing. We know the restraining order doesn’t keep them apart.
I have seen many pics of Sophia’s Dad and she has his teeth. Those demon eyes scare the crap out of me however. Farrah better just enjoy her time now cuz the storm is coming and it’s not going to be a piddly spring rain.
Between Amber and Farrah, who has the worst anger issue? Amber is more overt but Farrah’s is way more devious. Notice how nice she is being right now. Uh yeah.
Also loved it how Maci was like, thirteen thousand is alot to spend on rent for a year. Please missy, you spit out more than that on your crappy boob job.
And one more thing, sorry my post is long but can’t someone tell Catelynn to stop chewing her fingernails on tv? Those scenes in the car w/Ty are revolting. As a nurse I am all too aware of how much bacteria lies under the nails. Gross beyond words. Ok done.
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Maci's forclosure shack Said,
It was mentioned that Kyle is buying the house, how is that possible,, if he doesn’t have a job? Does he get some kickbacks from the show?
I can almost bet April was probably the instigator in the smack down with butch, she seemed proud of the fight. Why little Nick is still living with her, and CPS is not involved is beyond me
Same with Amber, no way should leah ever live back with her, which doesn’t seem likely since Amber is going to the big house.
I can almost bet when the cameras were off, Farrah opened a can of whip ass on Sophia. If I as debra, I would have to Farrah to F off about the babysitting request. I would have said, bitch you moved figure it out.
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your left ovary Said,
I just love (love) how Farrah said in her voice over, “I just hope Sophia doesn’t scare him off.” instead of something like “I really hope Sophia takes well to him.” or something along those lines. She just needs to do everyone a favor, including Gremlin, and open a vein or two. She can Skype me first so I can make sure to tell her to do it right. None of that perpendicular slashing nonsense.
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Tyler's Phat Gold Jewelry Said,
Did anyone notice in Tyler’s phone call scene (above) the way he kinda waved and looked at his nails. Very gayish.
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April’s love machine Said,
this is depressing… krystal meth was wearing a shirt from the college i graduated from.. i only live a half hour or so from them. i think it is safe to say she did NOT go there, however
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Gary's Missing Neck Said,
Yes, @your left ovary, I noticed Farrah saying TWICE that she hoped Sophia “doesn’t scare him off”. Safe to say – if he is scared off, it won’t be Sophia’s fault. Farrah is straight up the most selfish person I’ve ever witnessed.
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Welcome to Miami, OK Said,
I always knew that nick wasn’t butch’s because that would mean cait and ty would share a sibling and isn’t that too icky even for the poorer? Actually, what am I saying…
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Welcome to Miami, OK Said,
Damnyouautocorrect… I meant poors…
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Sarah Said,
This is your best recap yet Patrick! I have been reading for years, but this one was just perfect! The title alone made me laugh out loud and then the lyrics incorporated-you are a true genius and deserve so much recognition for making this show enjoyable. I can barely watch it but force myself so I can read your hilarious recaps!
I love how Ryan’s parents are so concerned if he is ‘okay’ with Maci and Kyle moving in together…which by the way, I thought Kyle didnt work? How can he put the house in his name?
Farrah’s PERSONALITY change now that she has a man in her life is seriously disturbing, though it is nice to see her be kind to her mother, no matter how crazy Debra is!
Amber..what a mess. wow. Poor Gary? I don’t even know who to feel bad for except Leah who is just too cute. -
Amby's hand piercing Said,
I know! Why are they asking him if he’s ok with Maci and Kyle buying a house and living together– they already do- so no difference there! Jesus…
I was also thinking the same thing- you are qualified to buy a house when you put down $0.00 for annual income? Who knew?! Only in TN i guess….although, that teen mom money counts toward it so- there ya go.And i agree. Everytime i see or think of poor Leah i just want to cry…she really landed the shitty end of the stick with those 2! Esp Amber as a mom….
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T*ts on a Stick Said,
@Gary’s Seatbelt Extender — OMG “Big D” from lockup?! LOL! Now that would be a show worth watching!
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tyler loves my-kuhl Said,
Lmfao at “baby goops on the bath salts”! We watch ‘Lock Up’ all the time…it would make me do the happy dance to see ambuh shout at a burly guard “what the fuck do you mean it’s time to get back in my cell FAT ASS!?!” Then get tased until her false eyelashes and manicure jettison off her fat ass.
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Chin cysts Said,
I knew that Nick wasn’t Butch’s kid for the simple fact that Butch doesn’t have Nick’s name tattooed on his neck!
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Sophia's Horse's Painted Dinky Said,
I bet that hole in April’s bathroom wall from her head is the size of the Grand Canyon! Did Nick sleep right through all of it bc he was bonding with Butch over some blow? Droppin Dirty!
Ty seriously needs to de-bling. That huge gold-plated watch… Geez. Next week I’m sure he will be sporting a huge Flava Flav clock around his neck. # “If you’re gonna be my baby, it doesn’t matter if you’re black or white
That text to Cate, I bet the next one will say: Hey babe, my mom’s old perm just ate Suitcase, but I got another stray to take his place. Have a good day at Ross.
Farrah is so lucky that Debra Who is available to babysit while she has a road trip to Austin with Daniel/Michael. Anyone else find it weird that after two dates (probly all on one day), she’s gonna jump in the car and drive across the country with him? I guess he doesn’t live in her building so he’s not a child molester?
I can’t wait til Farrah goes postal on him… This happiness cannot last. It was so smart of her to put Soph in the bathtub so she could curl her feathers with her hat on for her class! Ingenius.
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Hisself Said,
Red theme with Mace-me-
She and Ky are both redheads, they like red cars and rims, and they have neither ever “red” a book!I picture Kyy dressing in a Droopy Dog suit and working at Dollywood for some reason.
Amber- I am so glad to see you are cured by the trio of wonderful counselors at the beach– the Miami Vice underrstudy, the stomach touching exorcist, and the fake hypnotist. You fatass! Welcome back to Lanford.
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Akire Said,
Anybody else notice that Ty Ty’s mom went back to her perm? Either that or just poor MTV editing
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Brandon and Teresa's Restraining Order Said,
@Dani.Catelynn chewing her fingers grossed me out so bad.Me and my boyfriend were watching it and he was like why doesn’t she get her fingers out of her mouth.I never noticed how much she did it until he pointed it out.
I absolutely love Bint-Lee.He is a hilarious little kid.
Baby Goop is going to kill everyone in her family in the next 10 years.What a scary little demon!! -
If Catelyn and Teresa's Hairlines Meet Said,
A thought..if Farrah is actually Miss Gulch and Sophia is a Gremlin can we not just throw them both in a tub full of water and call it a day?
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If Catelyn and Teresa's Hairlines Meet Said,
Sort of off topic, just looking ahead, but oh my god, has anyone seen the recent photo of our girl Jenelle…Keiffer took it and it is posted on her twitter..she is neked and he is holding her..and I swear, it looks like he is hugging a Vienna Sausage…Oh Jenelle, how I look forward to Teen Mom 2…
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Amber's Pill Bottles Said,
@ Brandon & Teresa’s Restraining Order – “Demon” is the name for Baby Goop! That kid has always freaked me out looks-wise – and I noticed in the last episode that Goopy does bear a resemblance to Debra – God help the world.
And what was up with Amber calling herself a “dumbass” over not finishing her high school edumacation? Yes, you are a “dumbass”, you dropped out before you got your donut cream-filled by another “dumbass”, you don’t even have a halfway-decent excuse. I don’t know of ANYONE who goes for the extra-dramatic eye makeup IN ADDITION to the tacky eyelash extensions when sitting down at the kitchen table to study up on the GED – is she waiting for Mr. Wizard to come waltzing in her unlocked front door to teach her about science in the GED test?
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Amber's Pill Bottles Said,
And did anyone else notice Amber’s cheesy attempt at an “accent” when she pulled out the “Crayyy-awns an’ coulouring buuuk”? WTF?
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Brandon and Teresa's Restraining Order Said,
I am actually looking forward to Teen Mom 2 coming back.I can’t handle these 4 anymore.I am just hoping MTV doesn’t decide to come out with 20 and Single and stick us with these bitches for another 10 years.
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Heather Said,
@ Amber’s Pill Bottles – Yes, I noticed! It was really weird. I had a flash back of Anna Nicole, pregnant and in clown makeup, slurring to the camera.
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slappie jones Said,
@amber’s pill bottles: yup…I noticed too. I just thought the hillbilly trapped under the false eyelashes broke loose. I was also waiting for her to seize the opportunity to go over her counting with the gross mcdonalds in the park. ONE chicky nuggie….TWO chicky nuggie…that’s probably as high as she gets to count at garrrryy’s before he shoves the rest of her food in his fat face.
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All Farrah Needed Was Some D Said,
We all know Farrah is going to be that mom that puts the men first. I feel so sorry for Sophia. Its going to happen. They are going to compete later for men’s attention. We all have seen this before and this is what’s going to happen! Lets hope that Farrah keeps getting the D, so she can stay happy.
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Amber's Pill Bottles Said,
@ Heather – YES! Anna Nicole! I’ve been trying to figure out who Ambuh has been reminding me of this season and that is it exactly! Since episode one when Krystal, knocked to the up again, showed up at Amber’s at Amber, lying on the couch, looked at Krystal and, while rubbing her own midsection, said “How’s – the – ba-bee?”. Her own doped-up Anna Nicole has only gotten worse as this season has dragged on…
@ Slappie Jones – LMAO! Just the image of ONE chicky nuggie…TWO chicky nuggie…Gearrrry’s gullet was hilarious!
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Amber's Footprint on Gary's Back Said,
I read Playboy for the just articles, and I read IBBB just for the commentors’ names!
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Maci is a hot mess Said,
I cannot believe IBBB never comments on how horrible Maci looks and how horrid her glasses are! I too wear glasses and have a strong perscription but some glasses are better for that than others and if I was on TV I would put my contacts in! She has seriously let herself go, she is a mess this year. With her acne, that she never even tries to cover up, she never looks to have showered…and she thinks Ryan would want her over his girlfriend, she is CRAZY!!! Why did Ryan ever date her in the first place? He is FAR more attractive than her!
And does anyone else notice that Amber’s piercings all look infected? They gross me out!!!
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Amber Should Call Catelynn Fatass Said,
I think it’s amusing how some ppl think because they see edited footage of Catelynn for a few seasons they know her personally and that she’s a saint. Play her 16&P episode, she made her decision after Tyler told her if she kept the baby they wouldn’t stay together..yes it was awesome and took a lot of courage. But she knew she had the MTV feds coming, she needs to stop blaming their parents, I don’t think me having children is based on my parents’ lifestyles. She’s quick to defend Amber’s crack addiction&behavior, why is it suddenly disgusting w
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Amber Should Call Catelynn Fatass Said,
I think it’s amusing how some ppl think because they see edited footage of Catelynn for a few seasons they know her personally and that she’s a saint. Play her 16&P episode, she made her decision after Tyler told her if she kept the baby they wouldn’t stay together..yes it was awesome and took a lot of courage. But she knew she had the MTV feds coming, she needs to stop blaming their parents, I don’t think having children is based on your own parents’ lifestyles. She’s quick to defend Amber’s crack addiction&behavior, why is it disgusting when Butch does it but justified when Amby Pants goes to jail for dropping dirty? &Just like she’s always putting her own family on the spot, she tried to say Janelle is how she is because her mom’s a bitch(Totally Not!) lol I don’t condone drugs nor abuse but I dislike her character because she’s quick to throw ppl under the bus&play victim. The reality is they have money and nice cars, she just knew her lazy ass wouldn’t want the responsibility of a kid..Tyler should find someone else who doesn’t go have sex with an ex.. Sorry, had to get that off my chest! Lol
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Amber Should Call Catelynn Fatass Said,
Oops, posted twice accidentally, ex-nay the rough draft lol
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Rip your Ears off Now Said,
Oh my gosh you guys. Go to starcasm.net and listen to our Farrah’s new “single”. She makes Paris Hilton and Heidi Montag sound good. Shit, she makes ME sound good.
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Farrah's Autotune Said,
@ Rip OMG I agree. I just heard the “single”. It was a complete mess and I could hardly understand what she was even saying. And why does it start off with “dude”? Farrah has let the fame get to her head. People might know who she is but we all still think she is a witch. What in the world was she thinking?
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Fake Hypnotist Said,
I did notice that Amber’s facial piercing was infected. Yuck.
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HandPierced Said,
@Amber Should Call Catelynn Fatass- I completely disagree. I don’t think Catelynn is the saint MTV paints her to be, but I think she chose adoption because it was best for her baby. You can tell she didn’t want to do it, but she had no way of knowing that MTV was going to give her a show and she would have the income she does now. How would she know that? MTV didn’t even know it at the time. I think MTV wants to paint her and Tyler as some kind of saints, but they aren’t. They are just regular kids with f*cked up families.
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Conspiracy Man Said,
If Catelyn and Teresa’s Hairlines Meet- I have been thinking exactly the same thing as you are thinking about Jenelle turning into a chunk. I thought that maybe she got those implants just to make her not look so fat.
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Conspiracy Man Said,
Amber’s Pill Bottles- The scariest baby resemblence is the one between Aubree and Chelsea’s mom. Their head structure is so similar that it is creepy. It is like Chelsea’s mom is just a giant version of Aubree.
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Conspiracy Man Said,
HandPierced- Tyler and Catelynn don’t have f’d up familIES – they have ONE f’d up familY. If both you and your girlfriend each call one person, “mom”, then you have one family. You would think that they would make extraordinary efforts to distance themselves from the fact that they are step-siblings, but rather they actually make an effort to seem like they are from one family.
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Conspiracy Man Said,
Farrah’s Autotune- HOLY CRAP. That is the single most awesome use of autotune I have ever heard. Farrah must be completely tone deaf to require that much autotuning. You could take a tape of someone vomiting and make a song that sounds better than that. I can’t wait for the video. I am sure that she will expose some skin for it in order to increase sales, but HOLY CRAP is that a great song. If you have not listened to it, you will curse yourself for all of the moments of your life that you wasted in ignorance of this work of art.
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Yawny who seems to be doing a lot of Sniffing lately hmmm Said,
Butch smacked the hell out of April because she smoked all the crack and then she was on the floor in the bathroom looking for any little particles that may have fallen out of the crackpipe
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Conspiracy Man Said,
Yawny seems to know the deal.
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slappie jones Said,
@Yawny: you paint a disturbing, yet probably accurate picture. If they would have kept icarly that could have been her chore around the house. Ouch.
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Amy Said,
I just listened to Farrah’s song and now I want to kill myself.
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Justlikehoneybooboo Said,
I had to go listen to Farrah’s song after all the comments on it. OMG, it was worse than I could have ever imagined. I can’t believe that was actually recorded in a studio and not just on songify. That song used more autotune than every song from Kim Zolciak and Jennifer Lopez combined.
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Kyyyy's Shart Said,
Did anyone else notice when Farrah called to ask her mom if she’d take Baby Goo back with her, she was all nice?
Like, “Good morninnnnnng!” and then when Trash Claw said she would, she just kept rambling like, “Yeah because you just
need to study and get your stuff together and (blahh blahh for like 3 mins)” you could so tell Farrah was like
“Okay mom shut up any minute now. I already heard the answer I wanted to hear”













