23
Real Housewives of New Jersey: Teresa is the Mr. Wizard of Our Generation
For someone who may be heading up the river for a spell, Barney Rubble is certainly living the life. Every crapisode is like Driving Miss Daisy as Teresa typically needs to cart him around town. Sure it’s because, by law, he’s not allowed to drive but I like to pretend the real reason is that he can’t see over the steering wheel and needs a step-stool just to get into the car. It makes it more fun that way. So in order to not break tradition, Teresa is escorting Barney to a vineyard where Teresa will come up with a “formula” for a new drink she is “making” that will be called a Fabilini. It’s a Belini but, spoiler alert, (cue Audriana) it’s faaaaaaabulous! Seriously it’s not even made yet and I already think it takes like Teresa’s hairline and financial desperation. And peach. This new product is going to be trickier to make than I originally thought because Teresa first needs to figure out what a “vineyard” is. Plus, she keeps talking about creating this “formula” like she’s doing stem cell research and is on the brink of a cure for stupidity. She really is the Mr. Wizard of our generation.
The color of the Fabilini is really important to Teresa as is the taste. That’s odd since those are pretty much what makes up a drink. Go figure. She wants to make sure it doesn’t taste too much like diet like the Skinny Girl margarita does. Please. If she could sell something like Bethenny did with the Skinny Girl for $120 million I’m sure Teresa would add clumps of Milania’s DNA if it were required. Whilst at the “vineyard” and creating a “formula” Tre-bagger keeps talking about her standard “ingredientses” to which the worker stares at her blankly and says, “first it’s ‘ingredients.” Tre and Barney both looked like they smelled burnt toast. Barney is sure to taste-test every single drink, get lit, and make everyone at the vineyard and “The America” very uncomfortable. Everyone looked like, “Why is that little husky boy drinking alcohol?” Seriously, he should be seated in a highchair at all times. Regardless, don’t be worried if you don’t drink booze because Teresa hasn’t forgotten about you at all. She also plans on selling aprons, pasta, and sauce in the near future. Phew! She’s like a traveling knives salesman…with a 4th grade education. So, same/same.
Meanwhile, other things are happening in this episode too. Apparently Lauren Manzo might rent out the space where the Chateau was for her awesome business where she’ll put makeup on your face so that you look just like her. Young and healthy. Since this season is lacking a bit, they decided to edit in some old seasons of Danielle and Dina for reasons that I can’t fully get my mind around, but totally appreciate. It really made me long for the days when we could hear an old lady get confused between the correct use of women/woman. Sadly we’re now forced to follow the career goals of the Manzo siblings and, yes, it’s just as yawny as it sounds.
Speaking of late in life careers, Melissa, Doozer, and some music dude decide to work on her career independently and get it really big before going to the record labels. Apparently they seem to think there will be a bidding war between major labels for Melissa’s talent. I totally believe that. I mean, you know how the entertainment industry always is looking to invest in new talent in their late 30’s. Because at the end of the day what we really need is another Susan Boyle but, you know, with auto-tune. Melissa is also busy having a photoshoot at her house which includes her sporting some Solid Gold dancers dress and laying down on her dining room table that is covered with rose petals. Toss in a feather boa and you have yourself a standard Glamour Shots scenario. Speaking of which, I would pay top dollar to see Rosie in some Glamour Shots photos. So someone make that happen. Anyway, the photoshoo was as awkward as you could imagine and I’m pretty sure there was no explanation of why this shoot was taking place. Eh, maybe she’s just trying to update her Facebook default.
Since this show has turned into one giant informercial, Kat is busy having a dessert tasting next door to a cemetery since she is trying to get some dessert company to sell her crap for her. I guess. I actually don’t care but figured I should mention it. Everyone shows up to this parking lot event, which means all Manzo siblings and their creeptastic friend will be there. Lauren is sure to let loose the crazy by admitting that she thinks every time she eats in public people are looking at her. I mean, we are. But still. Keep that crazy to yourself. Tre brings a new friend to the event and is trying to bring up the dig that Kat made towards Tre at her book signing about some of the recipes in it being Kat’s mothers. Who cares. It’s like a cook book for cookies and water. It could have been anyone’s recipe. At least we got to see Teresa give air kisses to Caroline and Jacqueline and, well, that was worth it because Caroline looked like she could catch poverty. Truth be told, I think you can. That’s why you should always wear a surgical mask when you’re out in public.
I know I say it all the time, but I don’t fully know what this show is about anymore. Chris Laurita (I think that’s his name) is having all the guys over to his home so they can talk about their upcoming trip to Napa and also film it. All the usuals are there…Doozer, Barney, Saul. You know, the regulars. They’re all chit-chatting like girls on the rag in homeroom and want everyone to get along on the trip. Sure Barney seemed like he was three-sheets to the wind, but at least he called out the fact that no one likes Teresa anymore and he doesn’t care. I wonder if they’ll allow him to watch Real Housewives in prison? I’m sure the guys in the slammer would love that. At one point an argument ensues between Barney and Doozer about power tools that were borrowed and never returned. Minutes later Barney is giving digs at Saul for pumping gas years ago and Saul sasses back that Barney was making pizzas just 6-months ago. How there weren’t any z-snaps during any of this is beyond me. Remember when this show used to be good?
Join me on my Facebook page where we can create a “formula” of “fun.” Click here!
Craptastic Thoughts from IBBB Readers!
-
IBBB Said,
Like this blog post? Well then join me on my Facebook page and let’s get to talking!
http://www.facebook.com/people/Patrick-Varone/1591687454
and follow me on Twitter because that’s always a treat:
And how about Pinterest?
http://www.pinterest.com/theibbb
Ole!
-IBBB
-
LisaP Said,
why is that husky little boy drinking alcohol…too funny!!!! when is the clubhouse “gig”????
-
Hachet Face Said,
Patrick, I think Andy Cohen totally reads this blog. Last night on WWHL, he totally made a Barney Rubble reference!!!
-
QueenofCorona Said,
Oh the horror of the secondhand embarrassment that Joe G causes.
And Joe Gorda’s “homemade” cheese. Tell me I’m not the only one who bets it’s spooge cheese.
Teresa’s “Ingriedientses” oh how the Sweet Pickles bus missed her house.
-
HeyDay Said,
I heard the Barney Rubble reference as well. This can only mean that Patrick is under serious consideration to act as bartender on WWHL!!! I will seriously die a happy woman (women) when that happens.
-
QueenofCorona Said,
And I’m fairly sure Chris Laurita would be the serial killer of the Jersey gang if I had to pick one. Most serial killers show no emotion.
And why is Teresa’s underoos in a bunch over the “her mom” vs “Kathy’s moms” recipes. Uh, dummies. Ever think that since yer cousins maybe, just maybe your moms had the same recipes. I doubt Teresa’s mom invented “cookies”.
-
Tre's Forehead Said,
Has anyone Googled Fabellini’s? I saw a review where someone said it tasted like Boone’s Farm, they also mentioned that it was too sweet (guess Barney got his wish). I went to her website and the label looks like Milania made it in art class. Bethenny can keep being her annoying self. Skinny Girl isn’t in any danger. Unless a bunch of underage kids get ahold of this and toss 4Loco’s and Boones aside.
-
Sara Said,
I was laughing when Melissa was doing her photoshoot and they were trying to get her to look sexy… ‘Imaging you are looking at Joe’ ‘Imagine you are by yourself’
-
Brenda Walsh Said,
I actually love Chris Laurita. I think his stoicism is sexy. He just seems like he knows this is all totally asinine and is in on the joke.
I laughed out loud at the women at Tre’s book signing in the run down bakery saying to Joe “you’re such a great husband….they way you treat your family is so nice.” I can only hope she was being sarcastic. Otherwise I think we are watching tv shows.
-
Brenda Walsh Said,
Oops, I just pulled a Danielle. The WOMAN at Tre’s book signing. I guess it IS tough to know the difference!
-
kerry Said,
I, too, caught Andy’s Barney reference and started beaming! Like I was part of an inside joke. As “Martin” would say Patrick. . you’re “about to blow uupp!”
Caroline is so phony and needs to go sit down somewhere with her useless self/family. My mother will check me in a second about appearance, without mincing words, since she obviously wants me at my best. But she’d Never lose her mind enough to shame me, repeatedly, unapologetically, on national tv, as she continued to do on wwhl. What if Lauren decided to call Caroline’s 3 gnocchi’s away from fat behind out, (despite having the lap band) on tv? For shame.
-
Penelope Said,
Andy: if you’re reading this, HIRE THIS YOUNG MAN. He is as funny as he is adorable, and he is overdue for his big break. You be the guy to give it to him.
I had a Skinnygirl cocktail the other night with my dinner. The restaurant I was at uses SG products as well as regular ones. I had a French martini made with the “naked” vodka. It was sooooo good. I loved it. And yes, I had another
Caroline Manzo: See You Next Tuesday. You and your lazy daughter. “Caroline’s 3 gnocchi’s away from fat” = genius
-
Barney's wallet holder Said,
“Where did you leave your wallet Joe?”
“A friend’s.”
“What friend?”
“Nobody’s. It ain’t important. Drop it.”Um… Okay. No, I bet none of those infidelity rumors are true…
-
Farmgrl Said,
Did anyone notice when Tre and Barney were in the car that she had to correct how she said her own last name? What’s up with that?
-
dacabsarehere Said,
Ahhh … good to see I wasn’t the only one who heard Barney Rubble and smiled inside. I was also thinking, in an effort to always offer suggestions for self-exploitation, you should add Kim Zolciak and Caroline Manzo to FB/Twitter or even Tamra. They all check it often and even respond to tweets or posting of fans. We can blog-bomb these bitches!! Although, Caroline is a prude she’ll probably just get pissy about it but that could backfire on her, I mean promotion is promotion, whether they like it or not!
-
Kat Said,
Yeah I noticed Theresa correct herself on her own name. That’s because they went all pretentious after the show came out. And I never got Caroline saying that Lauren gets it all from her dad. Caroline is a little chubby to me. Could be those ginourmous boobs.
And oh yeah two people in the same family would never have the same recipe. Especially if they are sisters/sisters-in-law. *side eye* -
Kiera Said,
I had to laugh and take a drink when Andy Cohen made the Barney Rubble comment. “Here’s to you Patrick!”
-
Kiera Said,
Oh and while I’m on the Andy Cohen show topic, how stand-offish was Caroline, wow she came off like a b- during that show.
-
giacomo Said,
I am only here because Patrick is so a doll. This show itself…it’s endless low-grade branding. Which isn’t as bad as the RHNY, which is endless junior high bitchiness, but it’s bad. BLK. Brownstone sauces. Kat’s desserts, Lady Gorga, the chimp’s whole line of coloring books and now drinks and whatever…When does creepy Greg launch the new Hoboken jockstrap for freakishly tall and unattractive gay men?
-
NY40sGIRL Said,
I don’t even watch NJ anymore because it just isn’t fun watching complete idiots wtih iq’s that would qualify them for the short bus make money off of trash and cheap wine (not to knock cheap wine…boone’s farm was my friend in high school)!! I do however love my IBBB so I’m lucky he suffers through it all for us. What a giver. I do hope you guys are right about Andy’s reference to Barnie Rubble and that Patrick will get his shot. I feel like if he does it will be a win for all of us.
-
Janelle's Ugly Toes Said,
I dumped NJ also…it’s too stupid to watch and I hate Carolyn and Theresa so much words can’t express it.
-
MilaniaforPresident Said,
I loved when Teresa told Audriana to put the money in her “bubbies.” Keepin’ it klassy!!!
-
Megan Said,
I hope they continue to film while Barney & Jacqueline are in rehab. Also, I think they should just stop filiming everyone, and give Rosie her own spin off show. This show sucks now, well it was always a trainreck, but it used to be more entertaining. I want Dina & Danielle to come back too, maybe they can be on Rosie’s show?!
-
zobacz Said,
znakomity artykuł, naprawdę bardzo oryginalny
dobrze, że istnieją jeszcze ludzie tacy jak Ty, którzy chcą się dzielić z nami wskazówkami i czymś pozytywnym. Trzymaj się!
