Jun
14

Teen Mom Recap: I Mean, Amber is Basically Cured

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As promised here is the recap of the second crapisode of Teen Mom. Per usual, the most interesting person in this episode is Amber because, well, watching anyone have a breakdown is quite the treat for both the eyes and ears. If you like this recrap, don’t forget to click on the “Recommend” button that I scattered all over this b*tch so that it can be shared with your d-bag Facebook friends! Speaking of, feel free to join me on my own Facebook page where the conversation continues. It’s like the aftershow except it isn’t at all.

Amber – The good news is that Amber didn’t kill herself, for those of you who were concerned. The bad news is that we weren’t able to see Gary actually call 911, but we were able to listen to his Type II Diabetes voice via “the phone” all whilst we stared at a black screen like we were watching the difficult parts of Fahrenheit 911. It was interesting that Gary didn’t really seem worked up at all during the call. It was like he called to place an order and was like, “Yeah, I’d like to place an order. Delivery. Can I have the right side of the menu? Also can you send an ambulance because my girlfriend, in which whom is televisions Amber Portwood (applause, applause), is going to use the rope that I normal use as a belt to hang herself. Oh, and fries too. How long will that be?” End scene. Thank you, thank you. Apparently Amber was going to meet Farrah’s boyfriend in Heaven. I’m joking. She will clearly end up in hell. As will I. Since Amber can’t really commit to anything, she ended up being sent to lock-down for 72 hours and then was shipped off (as punishment) to sunny Malibu to enter rehab…on the beach. I mean, I’d try to kill myself to vacation in Hoboken at this point. Hey-oh!

Whilst at “the ‘hab” Amber is talking to one of her therapists who is looking at Amber like crazy is about to take over. Amber almost tries to force the tears, but then slows it down to the point where the therapist (who is a woman) says, “Amber. I’m going to try something.” And then she sits next to her and starts to place her hand directly on Ambjikistan’s FUPA. I’m sure the stretched out tattoo of Leah on Amby-pant’s stomach was squealing with delight. I was like, Ohhhh Amber is going to second on camera! I high-fived myself because I was sure this would lead to Amber doing her “sexy-dance” but sadly it wasn’t. Although I’m sure she’ll have to point on the doll to her next therapist where this chick inappropriately touched her. Either way this therapist really got me to thinking of making FUPA Puppets so, obviously, I’m going to be busy over the next few weeks, you know, in the lab and whatnot.

You know who’s sick of Amber, by the way? Leah. I know. That chick is like side-eye after side-eye after eye roll every time Amber calls…especially this time. Amber just wants to talk to Leah since she is unable to parent her due to a little ropey-poo incident and Leah keeps screaming “no” into the phone and trying to rip it out of Gary’s hand. I’m pretty sure at one point I heard Lead yell, “F that B, you P!” In this case the “P” means “pig.” You can decode the rest. I’m surprised how well Leah can speak. I’m also surprised that being raised by Gary she also doesn’t have to be lifted via crane from her bed. Small miracles, big parents. Sidenote, that will totally be the name of a reality show some day. Later, Amber is back talking to a different doctor but this time she’s on a large puffy leather black couch, but the kind “the rich” have an not “the poors.” It was more like a Mr. Drummond/Edward Stratton type of couch. It could possibly have also been the couch on Benson but to be quite honest I’d have to research. Anypinknails, Amber may or may not be in the process of detoxing and/or in the middle of a “trip” because when the doctor asks her to close her eyes and think of her parents, she keeps her eyes open and starts talking really slowly and saying one word at a time. She was one frown away from saying, “I see dead people.” Apparently Amber’s parents were real crap bags while she was growing up and use to fight all the time in front of Amby-pants and her brother whilst they just cried and begged the yelling to stop. I’m glad Amber broke that cycle of yelling. Phew! Just sidestepped that landmine!

You know what never makes sense? Amber, who is in rehab also for anger management, joining a kickboxing class while in “the ‘hab.” Nothing makes angry people calm down like kicking the crap out of strangers while wearing Old Navy Performance Fleece pajama pants. Those must smell like the basement of a church and a classic Pizzone. Amber is afraid that Leah will end up forgetting her and that makes her sad. There’s no way Leah will forget her. First off, she’ll be able rent all the seasons on DVD. Second, I’m sure she’ll have enough emotional scarring that she’ll be able to tie that directly back to “momma.” In the end, Amber seems to be doing a bit better now that she’s detoxing and has some adjusted meds. In fact, this time around Leah will talk to her and she says she loves her and misses her the most. Please. She’s 2 yrs old. She probably thought Elmo was on the other end of the line. Either way, Amber’s counselor is going to fly out Gary (two seats) and Leah for a visit and some intensive therapy. Hopefully diet and exercise will be added to the mix as well.

Farrah – Within the first few seconds Debra is already talking super creepy to Sophia. At one point she tells Sophia how she’s never going to see her again because she’s leaving and then she asks Sophia if she’ll miss grandma and Sophia simply replies with “no!” Had the pacifier not been in her mouth at the time she probably would have said, “B*tch, no!” Shortly after, Farrah starts barking out orders to Debra and Michael about how this move is going to go. Once they start to question her she just immediately tells Michael that he’ll pack up the U-Haul and drive it to Florida and she’ll meet him there in a few days to help, but he should start unpacking. She is such a treat. I have no clue why they’re trying so hard to keep her there. I mean, I know why Debra allegedly smacked the sh*t out of her a couple of seasons ago. I’m surprised Farrah has made it to the age she is. She probably only got braces so that they cut up Debra’s fists-of-fury.

The packing process is as fun as you could image and Farrah handles it all with dignity and grace. I was relieved to see the puffy leather couch being dissected and tossed in Michael’s You-Haul. Michael has the look on his face like he’d be happy to walk her stuff to Florida if he could just leave now. Once he drives away he smashes into the no-parking sign and then drives off. I’m sure he was hoping it would crash through his window and cut his head off…anything to get away from Farrah and her mother. After Michael leaves, Debra decides to have a “girls night out” and takes Farrah and Sophia for dinner at a place where I’m almost certain they’re eating outside in the parking lot. Fancy. Sophia is losing her sh*t because she’s stuck at the table with these two and Debra decides to order a bottle of the Farrah wine, which she thinks is the best thing she’s ever heard in her life. I’m sure it’s bitter and cold just like her daughter. See what I did there? I’m not sure how many glasses Debra had, but she was pretty slurry towards the end and told the waiter the wine tasted like vinegar. I mean, you’re basically eating in the parking lot of a TGI Fridays. What did you expect!?

In the end, Farrah decides to take Sophia for one last trip to the cemetery so they can visit Sophia’s daddy. Graveyards are such a blast to play in. Kids love it! Farrah, of course, is crying and talking to herself/the camera and letting Derrick know that she wishes he was still alive so she didn’t have to be a parent by herself and they could get married. I say do it via a Ouija Board! Is is just me or didn’t she hate him and fight with him all the time before he died? Not saying anything, but just saying. And, not for nothing, but 50% of marriages end in divorce and I’m sure Dr. Drew could spew out a statistic that like 80% of teen moms don’t end up getting married to the baby daddy. He would, of course, say it whilst sporting a t-shirt, sports coat, and Mr Potato Head hair.

Catelynn – It’s the big episode where Cate and Tyler Perry finally get to have their visit with sweet baby iCarly in quiet and subdued New York City. I find it shocking that Brandon and Teresa didn’t want to go to Michigan and stay with Cate and Ty in their trailer. Think of the fun that iCarly would have had picking the bugs off her body and crawling away from a wide variety of mice. It would have been like a Disney movie for “the poors.” To my surprise they actually ended up staying in a decent hotel in the city. I was figuring they would have been at the Lincoln Motel just outside of JFK. If you’re from the area you know what I mean. If you’re not from the area, the Lincoln Motel is where President Lincoln was strangled to death whilst watching the play Rock of Ages. It’s in your history book, trust me.

These two childless parents just want to get their first night over with so that they can wake up and have breakfast with the whole adoption gang. I’m actually excited as well because the last time they got to meet iCarly in the park was pretty emotional and when I’m ready to rope myself (a la Amber) from watching this crap sometimes I like tears to be involved. I wonder if she’ll play with Catelynn’s face piercing or if she knows enough words to ask Tyler if he knows he’s a white man? Either way I say bring on the footage! Oh. Wait. That’s right. This episode is sans footage. I can’t figure out what the deal was. There is a crazy long picture montage of their “reunion” with Brandon, Teresa, and baby iCarly. They didn’t film it, but they did allow a photographer to be present? What gives!? What was even more strange was that when the camera was rolling it was only on Cate and Ty-ra Banks, but you’d never actually see anyone from the adoption gang in a scene. I really think this was a missed opportunity for Cate and Steven Tyler. When Catelynn was holding iCarly she should have tossed a Hail Mary pass to Tyler and then Tyler would have caught iCarly, hopped on the E Train, jumped off at JFK, and headed back to their trailer with their daughter. I’m pretty sure that’s what an open adoption is all about anyway.

In the end, we only got to witness about 8 minutes of snapshots and bad soundtracks until they finally said goodbye to them and sat on someones front stairs and cried. At one point Ty said, “I wanted her to be calling me daddy.” That sounded sexual and gross. I’m sure Ty will be able to call someone else daddy one day and he’ll finally get his wish. On a lighter note, Catelynn sported a bright yellow J. Lo jumper for this reunion. Had their been a stronger wind and better camera angles we would have been guaranteed some cameltoe. I bet that’s where she stores her retainer. Just a guess.

Maci – Hey y’all it’s Maci! Is it just me or is Maci a complete snooze this year? And by “this year” I really mean “every year.” She’s trying to spend some time teaching Bint-Lee to ride his bike in the middle of the street, but he’s apparently a quitter and doesn’t want to actually have to do the pedaling himself so he jumps off his bike and walks it over to Maci. Good luck with this one. Maci’s is going to be out of town for a few days evidently going to some school to teach girls how to “dodge the dick” until they’re old enough to have a baby. So obviously, 17. Someone left a comment on this here crap blog yesterday stating that Maci seemed to have come back from that “conference” with a bigger rack and I was on the lookout. That seems accurate and I applaud you and you perverted ways.

We were lucky enough to see Ryan in this episode, but it was quickly a letdown when he didn’t yawn once for the camera while he was out eating with his friends. The only saving grace was that he had one friend who kept blinking and freaking out on the regular. I don’t like watching people like that because I’m almost positive you can catch whatever they have just by looking at that via “the television.” We do learn, however, that Ryan doesn’t have a job anymore because he’s going back to school for “Applied Technical Science.” I have no idea what that is and I don’t think Ryan does either. Is that just a fancy name for “Refrigerator and VCR repair?” Remember when Sally Struthers used to be the spokesperson for those commercials? I used to laugh every time when she would say, “…or get a degree in gun repair!” Sure, why not. Sign me up.

In the end, Maci and Kyle get into a fight about albino relationships and Kyle calls Maci an idiot. This causes her to kick him out of the house and instructs him to go to his mothers house, which is 2 hours away. He obeys like a good cartoon albino bulldog does. I’m sure a treat was waiting for him in Nashville. Maci is sure to manipulate Kyle by using her own son, Bint-Lee, to call him up and leave him a message about coming back home and how he misses him. If I thought for one second Kyle knew how to get into his voicemail to listen to that message I would have thought Maci’s plan was a good one. After Maci comes back from her “conference” with a fuller chest she and Kyle decide to talk things out. The new maroon streaks in her hair never came up during their conversation, which really was a shame. I feel like someone needs to tell her that Avril Lavigne isn’t happening anymore…so, stop it.

Want to chat with others obsessed with the stupidity that is Teen Mom? Then you should join me on my Facebook page (click here) and share your thoughts because, well, everyone else does and it is quite the treat/creepy. Ole!

If you missed my last Teen Mom Recap, click here to catch up on all the craziness.

Teen Mom Episode Rating: One Puffy Leather Couch, One Bag of Trash, and Two Missing April’s

89 Comments

Craptastic Thoughts from IBBB Readers!

IBBB Said,
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ang Said,
i cant even watch amber’s scenes..she just grosses me out
KittyCouture Said,
Why does Amber think inserting metal balls or beads in various places on your body is attractive?
Catelynn's Yellow Romper Said,
“Once he drives away he smashes into the no-parking sign and then drives off. I’m sure he was hoping it would crash through his window and cut his head off…anything to get away from Farrah and her mother.”

OMG – I die. My co-worker must think I’m Amber-crazy. On another note, I can’t handle how Farrah is acting over Derek (I just said that in Gia’s voice) now. You think you’d be married & living happily ever after if he was alive? Seriously? Seriously?? I think Farrah’s difficulty in finding a new mate lies less in the fact that she can’t get over her love for Derek and more in the fact that she’s a cold-hearted B!
Amby's hand piercing Said,
While i do sometimes (and only sometimes) feel bad for Farrah b/c her child’s father isnt alive, i will never get why they hardly mentioned anything about Derek in her first season of Teen Mom. You would think something that big would be a storyline right from the get go! Its just weird now its being played up alot.

PS. Maci giving “pep talks on how to “dodge the dick”….Oh My God! I cant stop laughing!!!
Garysinheat Said,
Anyone Else hate Catelynns new lopsided, damp haircut? Gross.

I agree about why didn’t they talk about Derrick much before and now she’s obsessed?

Also I wonder if Debra equals like she does when she sees her knives and trash claw ?
Garysinheat Said,
I forgot to ask, am I the only one that hates when Tyler talks in his high pitched voice?
KittyCouture Said,
Oh and I was surprised that they didn’t show Farrah saying goodbye to all of her friends! I mean, I guess for time they had to edit out all the tearful goodbyes with friends and probably the surprise going away party they threw her! Ummm… yeah…..
Conspiracy Man Said,
My girlfriend has been sick and was home watching the MTV buildup to the new season. She said that they played every episode of 16 & Pregnant. She watched Farrah’s episode and said that Derrick was NOT MENTIONED ONCE in the entire episode. She kept waiting for some mention of him or even what happened to him, but there was NOTHING. It was as if Beebee Sopheeeea was conceived by immaculate conception. Pehaps that is why we are now getting the story corrected and Farrah is showing her the exact spot of her creation.
NoodlesandTwine Said,
How is it that the “therapists” and “healers” at the ‘hab couldn’t tell that Amber was either high or higher in every session they had with her?
Conspiracy Man Said,
All I could think whenever Michael was shown was a mordant mental image of him holed up in a series of Hampton Inn motel rooms, watching porn with a 12-pack.
NoodlesandTwine Said,
@Consipary Man, I think Sofia’s lineage became important when Farrah realized that she could get monthly checks from the government if she could only produced a dad.
Chin cysts Said,
I about died laughing when Debra looked down at her nose at Farrah during dinner and commented that the “Farrah” wine was vinegar-y. Well played, Debbie. Subtle. What did she expect out of “bitch of a daawwtah” wine?
Welcome to Miami, OK Said,
I love how they showed Ty looking wide eyed at the fire truck through his taxi window like he was iCarly’s age. Do they not have fire trucks in Michigan, or do they not make noise or something?
Chin cysts Said,
Conspiracy Man- Derrick was mentioned in her 16&P episode, but his death certainly wasn’t. At the very beginning of her ep Derrick called while she was at work and harassed her about her plans for that evening, asking who was going with her and if any boys would be included in that. In another scene Debra mentioned getting his number blocked. I also vaguely remember Farrah getting a call or text from Derrick asking if she was really pregnant. But that was the extent of it. I’d like to know if the producers were even aware of his death during filming. That would have been a really important part of her story to show.
Conspiracy Man Said,
I would like to place Ryan’s friends (who are completely on to every little detail of Maci’s techniques of manipulation and treachery) in a small room with Maci’s friends (who serve only as yes people to agree with Maci’s every insane idea and to inflate her already enormous ego and serve no other purpose like companionship or the mutual exchange of pleasantries). I think that they would destroy each other in an explosive release of pure energy, like matter and anti-matter.
Conspiracy Man Said,
Chin Cysts – Thanks for tteh correction. I will go home and rough up the girlfriend for giving me incomplete information. She is undergoing chemotherapy, so her perceptions may be clouded, but that is just no excuse. I like to handle these matters in the simple, direct way that Butch has taught us by example. The show is supposed to be educational.
Kelli Said,
I thought it was awful that Maci used Bint-lee to try to convince Kyle to come back.If you’re gonna use him for anything have him call his sleepy daddy and see if he’ll come back instead.
Conspiracy Man Said,
I have been doing some calculations, and I think that my previous assertion about Maci and Ryan’s friends was wrong. I now think that Maci’s friends woudl immediately be converted to Ryanism, and that within seconds they would agree that Maci is a total bitch and come to the realization that they were only using Maci to get on TV.
donna Said,
i cant believe michael even drove from iowa all the way to florida..does he not have a job?arent he and trash claw divorced?i missed most of this crapisode but i believe brandon and teresa are completing their witness relocation program.wouldnt you?icarly,your grandma and grandpa were once on a show called teen mom,oh and youre adopted from white trash..happy birthday
donna Said,
oh,and im old but ryan is still hot!!id be a cougar for him..
alwayssunny Said,
god, maci is such a c-unit. good thing powder dropped him off at daycare because i’m pretty sure if maci had done it she would’ve pinched him hard as she gave him a hug so he would start crying. then she could tell everyone how right she was about daycare not working out. by the way maci, you have no job and your kids in daycare, take a damn shower and put some makeup on your scary face.
Conspiracy Man Said,
Donna – that is perfectly put and exactly the same identical thought I have been having since I first learned of their existence.
Barb'sBitchOfADaughtah Said,
@ Garysinheat – No, you’re not the only one who hates Ty’s gay voice.

@ donna – You’re damn right about that! On my way back from Florida last year, whilst driving through Chattanooga, I kept my eyes peeled for a yawning hottie in a black truck with an ATV or dirt bike in the back. Sadly, I did not see him.
Leah's Fat Sister Said,
Everything about this made me happy.
Conspiracy Man Said,
Barb’sBitchOfADaughtah- Doesn’t it seem as Ty gets older, he is seeming less and less like a young, confused Justin Bieber wannabe and more and more like a quickly-aging queen? He is getting too old to rely on his beard alone for cover.
Long time IBBB fan Said,
I believe they said that Farrah’s parents were divorced but still living together (that recession hit everyone hard didn’t it?). Oh and Ryan is still hot. That is all….
puffyleather Said,
@chin cysts – I remember reading an interview with Farrah in some magazine and she said the reason Derrick’s death wasn’t mentioned on her 16 and pregnant episode or season 1 of teen mom was because she didn’t feel comfortable discussing it on camera and didn’t want it on film or to make it public so she told the producers when it happened that she didn’t want it included in the storyline. I guess she was feeling more comfortable about it during season 2 which would have been almost two years later.

For everyone who thinks Maci went to get a boob job this episode instead of speaking at a high school. You’re wrong. Maci got her boob job in January of last year. That’s when all the tabloids and websites reported on it. This was clearly the summer so I really think she went to an actual public speaking engagement. Maci is making bank. I think she gets the most media offers from all the girls. I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s banked more than a million by now.
Joe's Rap Career Said,
I feel sooo bad for Amber (kinda)…but she creeped me out mega bad this whole episode.
KittyKat Said,
You out did yourself once again! Thanks for taking up some time on my day off

I thought the SAME thing when Amber was punching around with that sexy guy. Like oh, yeah. She has anger issues and likes to beat bitches in the face. Let’s teach her to hit and kick harder. How about some Yoga for crazy pants? Also, can I please go to rehab??? It looks delightful.

Oh, Farrah. I LOLed when Michael hit the street sign. That poor man. I bet he loved the days he was in the Uhaul and away from Debra and Farrah. Sophia kinda scares me, to be honest. I feel like if I woke up and she was looking at me, I’d legit be scared for my life…

Cate and Ty are a snore with out Butch and April. I miss them. Maybe they will get their own show so we can see them make some major parenting fails as well???

Maci is an ungrateful and stupid bitch. Poor sweet Bint-Lee. He’d be better off being raised by Kyyyle, Ryan, and grandparents.
Joe's Rap Career Said,
I know in the past, Maci has been praised for being “the best mom” and everything…but I just don’t see it. Yes, she has the cutest kid, but that’s it. She doesn’t have a job, lives in an expensive apartment, has all these issues with boys and stuff, and she just doesn’t seem like someone I can care about or root for anymore.
Darling Nikki Said,
Why hasnt anyone mentioned the bandage on Ty Ty’s Beard’s left forearm you know this whole always talking about iCarly makes her have the sads and do more than Ambuh and she successfully tried to check out of here perminatley. Also Give it a couple of yrs before Ty Ty is in the other clubs doing his sexy dance then again who are we kidding here. Ambuhs lack of spider legs for eye lashes made me think she had no eye lashes. Oh and LOVED how the albino polar bears gf you know the one that cant pronounce his name yet Bint-Lee can pulls the whole Im not taking you to day care so your off to grandmas. Really love how she uses the kid.
Brenda Walsh Said,
I really loved that Gary’s ski chalet was a total mess, with trash and random crap piled up everywhere, but yet whenever they showed the kitchen table, each seat had its own neat little placemat. I mean, what 20-something guy who lives (to quote Maci) “by hisself” has placemats on his table? I died every time they showed it.
TooOldToBeTeenMom Said,
Derrick (Farrah’s baby daddy) died after 16 & pregnant was filmed and even after the episode aired. There are a few mentions in her 16&P crapisode about him – like her mom telling her to not have contact with him, etc. We never really found out anything about him until Teen Mom episodes and he was already deceased.
alwayssunny Said,
derrick died while farrah was still pregnant
Claire Said,
I must be the only female here who doesn’t think Ryan is hot. Call me crazy, but constant yawning and a severe lack of ambition is a turn off. He’s as gross as Maci’s Rainbow Bright hair styles.

Speaking of gross, is it me or does Gary’s house look like it would smell like dead rodents, fry grease, and armpits mixed with a faint scent of febreeze from what Gary calls “laundry day”?
Kortney Said,
No, Derrick died after Sophia was born and since they show the birth scene on 16&P, he definitely died while 16&P was being taped. His death date is Dec 08 and Sophia was born in Feb 09.
Kortney Said,
**woops, I meant he died BEFORE Sophia was born
Chin cysts Said,
TooOldToBeTeenMom- Derrick died at the end of December 2008. Sophia was born in February 2009. Derrick most definitely died while they were filming Farrah’s episode, 2 months shy of Sophia’s birth.
Stanky Pickles Said,
was amber at rehab or a starbucks with a yard?
ltlppl_bigparents Said,
I am fairly sure that those “meth marks” are actually herpes on her face….
Isaac's Giant Sneakers Said,
I am fascinated that a man is commenting on this blog. I am even more fascinated that there could be a few men reading this blog! I would give Ambuh her wish and Kevorkian her ass to get my husband to watch these shows, never mind comment on them. KUDOS men. KUDOS.
Alice Said,
So when will we start seeing Maci on Proactiv commercials?
the2v's Said,
BWAHAHAHA!

As always, you make me laugh and right now, I need all the laughs I can get! I;m about ready to shoot another daughter out of my gentleman greeter this early fall. So watching these crapisodes helps me how not to raise my girls (I currently have a 5 & a 4 y/o!)

Anyways, I cannot believe how these girls treat other people. If I ever talked to my Mommy or Dad like Farrah does, or used my kids against my husband like Maci does, or constantly used the fact that I have problems therefore I cannot be accounted to anything that I do because it is okay cause I have bi-polarness and addiction issues like Amber; I would take a hollow tip .45 to my brain and make sure to put some nice artwork on the receiving wall. Also, Cate and Gay-Wigger-Tyler are the MOST ANNOYING COUPLE EVER! Guess what? You did the right thing, now leave that kid alone before B&T have a lifetime of therapist bills because this kid never got to be a kid and was constantly reminded of her white trash ex-parents.

Amber – You’re a waste, and I cannot believe you are going to take advantage of all of Indiana’s occupants and use them to take care of you in jail. I hope someone shanks the shit out of you.

Maci – grow the fuck up. Stop focusing on your looks (you have none, boo ) and craptastic realtionships with the opposite sex and focus on that brat of a kid of yours. Bam, that is what you should educate young mothers on.

Farrah – I pray to Baby Jesus himself that your braces somehow lock your fucking jaw together and no DR or DDS or mechanic can unlock the fuckers, rendering you unable to talk FOR-EV-ER (say it like the kid off of “The Sandlot”). Also, your bitch of a daughter is serious karma. Change her name to that, Karma, because you will have a lifetime of you to deal with now. HAHAHA.

Cate – Uh. Your gross and have serious adoption remorse. You could have been a mother, you were just lazy. At least iCarley has a real family – leave her alone.
Dwidget6 Said,
I am cracking up at the commenters names alone! Chin cysts, joes rap career, isaacs giant sneakers…freakin hilarious! I live this dysfunctional blog family lol
Garysinheat Said,
Haha I love the names too, whatis Isaac’s giant sneakers about? Makes me think of Kailyns giant, dumb ex BF with the neon sneakers at that one reunion.
Isaac's Giant Sneakers Said,
LOL – In one of the episodes Kail’s boyfriend Jordan gave Isaac some sneakers that could fit a 12 year old. As soon as I saw them I knew my IBBB name was born. It was one of the best days of my life.
lifeless for the summer Said,
I watched the teen mom marathon all weekend and realized that it is now Thursday and I am still in my pajamas not performance fleece but Wal-mart polka dot)… This shit is hilar. It has certainly made me laugh out loud literally. And I found it all bc I got so freaking sick of watching Ryan yawn so I googled it in the middle of the night. That’s when I found this website.

Anydirtnapwhopacilovingdumbassboyfriend, I am living in a teen mom hell in that I am a 38 year old with an 18 year old daughter and a 3 month old grandson. I don’t know why I watch this shit because I see enough drama everyday… and I mean EVERYDAY. These kids having kids are not mature enough to handle the responsibilities. And who pays their bills? The gov’t (via my paycheck) or MTV.

NeverCateandTy’snewbabydogtheless, here are some things I have pondered way too long whilst in these stinky pajama pants and licking the mustard off my shirt.

* Is it just me or is Ky Rainman? How did he get his driver’s license? Or is he still doing parent taught dirver’s ed and Maci is his teacher bc his mom has a DUI?

* Is it possible to get a piercing in just about every portion of your skin? Amber may be suffering from some sort of radiowave interaction to all that shit stuck in her skin. Or is it some sort of new fangled Chinese accupuncture that is supposed to be left in place for long periods of time…. Maybe that stomach feeling therapist in an Old Navy boardwalk dress tried it on her?

And speaking of her therapists, why does her case worker remind me of Joey Grecco from Cheaters by the way he talks? “Now, here comes Amber around the corner now, Gary…”

And why can’t they just perform an exorcism on her? At one point, when she was speaking in one word sentences and her eyes were glazed over, I was extremely scared!

* Farrah the ferret…. and Martha Who…. where to begin? First of all, Michael, who is lifeless needs to tell that bitch this is how the move is gonna go, “You pack up all the shit you didn’t personally buy from legit money you earned, and get the hell out of Debra’s house. Oh, and you won’t be needing a Uhaul bc the stuff you bought with legit money you earned yourself is, let me think…… NOTHING!”

And did anyone notice on the season premieres that she is on a fucking boat talking about wanting to get engaged? Is she for real? Will she be speaking about this with Dina, her therapist, who is the same damn person as “Jen” the adoption retreat co-founder only different hair?????????

Damn these people and their scary therapists!

* Lastly, Catelynn and Ty…. please, no mas! The forehead is starting to lose its appeal. I mean airplanes are landing on it. Please grow some bangs…. at least sidesweep them. And forevermore, please lose the bows. I’m pretty sure last time I calculated your age, you were forty.

Tyler, my little Tyler, stop wearing the new Garanimals line put out for Gangsta Wanna-Bes. And for heaven’s sake, if you’re gonna wear a cap take the damn sticker of authenticity off of the bill and put it on straight! And don’t buy it three sizes too big…. Geesh!

I want to “legit” shoot myself in the head if I hear anymore about “If Carly were here…” or “Brandon-Theresa…” or “What was your favorite part of the phone call…” Ok, MTV it’s time to cut the cord! I’d rather watch Stray Dog Teen Mom than this shit!
Garysinheat Said,
Hahahah oh wow I can’t wait to see that.
Joe's Hoe's Said,
Ha Ha I loved the look on sloshed Debra’s face when she said that the “Farrah” wine was vinegar-rr-yy…like “take that you little bitch of a dawta!” Also I think that Debra must have had a little “les b honest” lusting going on in the 70’s with Farrah Fawcett, her hair, her daughters name.
Joe's Hoe's Said,
oh, and don’t forget that a GUY writes this blog! of course guys watch this crap and love reading this blog and commenting.
Ryans Yawn Said,
Maci- Why would you send your kid to daycare if you don’t have a job and you aren’t going to school?? The money she’s spending on daycare would be better spent on some ProActive.

Amber- Is it just me or did she seem high a few times whilst in the ‘hab?

Farrah- I lol’d when Sophia, Farrah, and Debra were in having dinner in the parking lot, and Sophia told Farrah to shut up…Farrah better get used to that, ’cause the way she treats her parents is the way Sophia’s going to treat her…
Conspiracy Man Said,
Joe’s Hoes- Very astute and interesting observation about the Farrah hair and daughter name. We can see where Debrah’s head is at. The fact that she named her daughter Farrah shows that she once had great respect for the poster model. The fact that she still wears her hair like Farrah Fawcet over 30 years since she left Charlie’s Angels shows that her head is still in the exact same place. I also believe that Deb and the real Farrah would have been great friends – they’re both batshit crazy.
Conspiracy Man Said,
Maybe she is still just waiting for someone to tell her that she kind of looks like Farrah Fawcett. In the mid nineties, maybe she got sick of waiting for someone to tell her, so she named her daughter Farrah to keep the concept of Farrah Fawcett in everyone’s mind when they were around her, just in case they noticed her passing hair resemblence.
Welcome to Miami, OK Said,
OMG wouldn’t it be great if they filmed Trash Claw and Barb getting together to complain about their vinegary bitches of dawtas? Who would be more justified??
Z Said,
Ok, I have to agree, the whole thing with the way Farrah talks about Derek kind of annoys me too.
Let me just say, my partner died when he was 21, and our son was 7 weeks old. So I don’t say this without knowing what true grief is like.. but I was actually in a relationship with him, intending to marry him & have another child, and loved him.
I know we only see what they put on the episode..but on her episode when Derek was alive, she had blocked his number, hadn’t even told him she was pregnant, and they weren’t together. But when he died, suddenly they were in love & would have spent the rest of their lives together and so on?
To me it seemed more like they would have stayed split up..
No doubt even though they weren’t together, she did have his child & she would be grieving the loss. But I don’t get the pretence that they were together? I guess all I can say is maybe that what she wants to imagine in her mind.
Wednesdaystreat Said,
Who thought the “director” guy at the ‘hab who is going to try to get Gary and Leah to fly in looked like some kind of drug dealer himself??

I think Maci was trying to put Bintlee in “daycare” so that he would stop biting and being a general PITA before he has to start real school. (she should have called it PRESCHOOL) but anyway……
kerry Said,
patrick, just thought you should know i think of you each time i hear “i know what’s on your mind [...] well don’t you worry cause i’ll say it. . . ”

because that’s what you do for me with statements like, “I’m sure Ty will be able to call someone else daddy one day and he’ll finally get his wish.”

did everyone crushing on ryan not notice his twitching? i can’t begin to imagine what he’s on
belle Said,
I just found this site and I think I am in love…this is the funniest stuff I have read in years…I now have to spend the next few days going back and reading everything here…I know I will find it eventually but what does Trash Claw mean? I loathe them all but Jenelle and her wigger FIANCE take the cake for me….scum of the earth and if their fans don’t realize they are doing all the drama for followers and ratings they are dumber than…well, can’t think of anything dumber
Amy Said,
Z – I agree with you totally about Farrah and her dead “boyfriend”. Clearly, sometime during the second season of the show the producers realized that Farrah was an absolute C-Face and that everybody had zero sympathy for her as a teen mom, given the fact that her parents appeared to be doing most of the raising. So they randomly introduced Derek’s death as a storyline and have been milking it ever since. I hope Sophia turns out to be every bit as horrible as her mother and talks to Farrah in the same manner that Farrah talks to “Michael”.
Maci makes me laugh – she looks like an absolute trash bag and I don’t know who or what gave her the idea that she’s this great “mom”. She is awful and her kid, while cute, seems like an absolute nightmare. These girls really are making a rod for their own backs – ha!
Thanks again, Patrick – you’ve made my week with the double recap!
KittyKat Said,
@Belle- After Debra attempted to smack the bitch out of Farrah, she got charged with some shit and had to do community service. We got to see some amazing footage of her in an oh-so-sexy yellow vest sporting and picking up trash at a park with a grabber claw thing, which Patrick referred to as a “trash claw” and the rest is history!
Wednesdaystreat Said,
Oh, Farrah is CLEARLY in for the same treatment that she gives her parents—see scene where her TWO YEAR OLD tells her to shut up at the restaurant while slapping her arm!
Wednesdaystreat Said,
And where Debra says, in her usual baby voice, “OH NO! YOU DON’T TALK TO YOUR MAMA LIKE THAT!” And Farrah just gives Baby Goop the side-eye. Nipping that stuff in the bud–NOT!
Ryans Yawn Said,
WednesdayTreat, yeah pre-school does make more sense than “daycare”- although Bint-lee is cute, he seems like a brat…

…and Cate seriously needed to rethink that awful mustard-like outfit…
Yawny Said,
I am so stoked to see the raiting system has returned!!!
Claire Said,
“…and Cate seriously needed to rethink that awful mustard-like outfit…”

Now that’s not fair…I thought that outfit really made her massive forehead pop.
KittyKat Said,
Claire, not only did her massive forehead pop but it really highlighted her cellulite legs, especially when they showed them sitting down on some random steps. We almost got a glimpse of the baby-poppin-express.
lil' Bitch of a Daaawtah Said,
I seriously hope that Sophia treats Farrah the EXACT same way that Farrah treats her parents. I mean, watching the way she treats Michael just infuriates me. She clearly has absolutley NO respect for him. I hope Sophia starts referring to her as “Farrah” instead of “Mom”, and then slaps her around like she does poor Michael.

I’m a part of the minority on this blog that really likes Catelynn and Tyler. I think they made the best decision that they could at their time. Out of all the people on this God-awful show, they are the only ones who I actually support. However, a lot of you guys are right. MTV has made them form this un-natural and almost creepy bond with the adoptive parents. I agree that if MTV’s cameras weren’t around, then they would have been better able to actually move on. I really hope that Brandon and Teresa don’t close up the adoption because that would be absolutely terrible. I do hope that Cate and Tyler take a couple steps back and distance themselves for a little while. I’m afraid that MTV has done more harm than good in their situation…. okay MTV has gone too far with whole “teen mom” thing to begin with. But alas, if this show didn’t exist then this blog wouldn’t either. So… thank you, MTV

And yes, Catelynn’s yellow romper/whatever the hell that was, is awful. Truly, TRULY awful.
HeyDay Said,
“what’s a trash claw?” — best question ever seen in the comments section of this blog
Amber's Acne Said,
I hate how Farrah continues to act like her and Derek were going to be so happy and together as a family when, during her entire 16 & pregnant episode, she ignored his calls and didn’t answer him when he asked her if she were pregnant. No way in hell would they be together.
Amber's Acne Said,
P.S. the only reason Farrah mentions Derek 24/7, now, is because she wants us to feel bad for her. He passed in December of 2008, and continues to act like it happened last month.
pregnancy can be cured by getting thrown down some stairs Said,
I love getting stoned then reading the recaps/comments. I’ve never laughed so hard in my life.
Square Hair Said,
Belle wasn’t asking what a “trash claw” was…she was meaning like who is he talking about when he refers to the trash claw…
Tyler's British Accent Said,
My fave was when Debra asked Sophia if she knew Farrah was moving her away to Florida, and Sophia said “WHAT!?” and slammed her hand down on the piano keys.
dacabsarehere Said,
Man, o man … 70 something comments? You sure have made it to the big time, Patty-Cakes. I recall the days of me and Corona and about 40 other followers on the blog. It takes me longer to skim the comment section now than to read your blog!

Anypoo, I have noticed a lot of people commenting on how clean Garys house is but what I have been wondering is … does he have electricity? Legit, every scene is dark or only has traces of window light? It literally looks like an empty storage locker with a more creative floor layout. I see nothing but bags of trash and a poor little baby forgotten in a car seat. I keep waiting for Dave Hester to pop out and say “Yuuup!”
Joe's Rap Career Said,
@Isaac’sGiantSneakers, I am SO with you! We are a little IBBB commenting team as of *now*, readysetgo!

Thanks Dwidget6!
dwidget6 Said,
I feel like my name just lacks the pizazz needed for this blog! I might have to change it to “Catelynn’s Yellow Corn Teefs”, or “Maci’s Technicolor Hair” or “Gary’s Aeropostale Shirt”…so many possibilities.

@dacabsarehere-I am dying about the Dave Hester line! I literally just got the side eye from my husband bc I was laughing so hard.
Amber's Egged Car Said,
I love this site! Finally taking the plunge & posting my first comment.

Maci should really stop bitchin’ at Ky so much & show some gratitude after all she finally gets to be the pretty one in the relationship.

Poor Leah. If you ask her to count to 10 she’ll recite you the Mcdonalds value menu.

First make out point now a possible conception bedroom story by Farrah. Im thinking those are the only memories of Derek Farrah had. Sex. Thats all they did together. Farrah probably didn’t even know Derek’s b-day until she saw it on his gravestone.

There’s no doubt in my mind that Catelynn & Tyler have one of those real life babydolls hidden in their trailer. They bust it out after the cameras leave & call each other Brandon & Teresa. Tyler is Teresa obviously.
Ty's Sideways Hat Said,
Ok. This really has nothing to do with this particular ep, but I need to get it off my chest. I. HATE. Ty. and. Cate.

Phew. I feel so much better now.

Anycrap, who else thinks Ty is trying to be a total G with that hat always turned sideways and the chain? I actually gotta say this… it’s really Cate that I hate. I hate how everyone says she’s sooo nice and shit. WTF EVAHHH. One night with me and Ty would totally be off the Cate train.. although he has a lotta baggage he’d have to leave checked with her (see what I did there?)
Conspiracy Man Said,
Sideways- I imagine that Ty is clinging to Cate just as much as she clings to him. She is safe for him and he does not have to wrestle with all those thoughts about his sexuality. He will ultimately come to deal with them, and it will be a trainwreck for them.
Brandon and Teresa's Restraining Order Said,
I also can’t stand Ty and Catelynn.Actually I can’t stand any of these dummies except for Ryan and that’s just because I want to “take a nap” with him.
Janelle's eyebrows Said,
I’m so glad Teen Mom is back on, so I can read this blog(and the comments!) I don’t have anything to add that hasn’t already been said…just wanted to say thanks for all the laughs!

Amber’s Egged Car–That last comment about Ty and Cate just made me spit my food out laughing!!
Ty's Sideways Hat Said,
take a nap! hahahahhahahha…

I feel the same way.
Ty's Sideways Hat Said,
Oh and who else is getting sick of everrrryone going to therapy? I think Maci’s the only one of this set that doesn’t go… I mean really. Does 75% of the actual population go to therapy at the drop of a (sideways) hat?
Wednesdaystreat Said,
1. Ty would be Teresa, obviously.—That made me LMBO.

2. I just saw a pic of George Zimmerman’s wife today, and OMG! I TOTALLY thought it was Amber!
Bricks...that is all Said,
Omg…. I didn’t even watch this ep and I’m dying.

MTV should have shut this show down a long time ago, but then who else would make us feel better about or own lives?

Also, when I read “nap” I thought dirt nap, which is what Amber will prob end up taking in the exercise yard at jail…
Hachet Face Said,
@Tyler’s British Accent … that was my fave part too! I was dying at Baby Goop’s reaction!
anastasia Said,
Was I the only one who noticed Ryan’s “the shocker” tshirt? After he pours BintLee some cereal and walks away, the shocker is in the beck of the shirt! How appropriate. What’s he gonna tell Bint? Two in the pink, in the stink and she won’t get knocked up?? Good job.
the short side of catelynn's hair Said,
I keep waiting for keiffers hoodie to show up in the corner of each shot, you know that hot bitch is creeping around