Jun
13

Teen Mom Recap: Rehab and Daycare are the Same Thing, Right?

Posted by IBBB

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Well, well, well. Look what the placenta eating cat dragged in. Teen Mom is back! And according to the 2,032 commercials that MTV has been showing this is the most dramatic year yet. I hope that’s code for “We found Amber’s rope.” I don’t care. I said it. You think you’re going to come here for the next 8 weeks and think I’m going to tip-toe around Ambjikistan going bananas? That’s like me never mentioning Gary’s MILF of a mom or Debra’s gold-plated trash claw. So before we get into it, be sure to click the Facebook “recommend” button that I’ve scattered all the F over this place. And whilst you’re at it, click here to join me on my Facebook page where people talk about Teen Mom like I’m one of the “baby daddies.” Spoiler Alert: I am.

Amber – I decided to kick things off with Amber because I’m an American and I support trash heaps. It was wondrous that Amber gave us a nice little recap of her past two years in a brilliant pissed off voice-over all whilst MTV showed the scene of Amber pushing Gary’s TV down the stairs. Sure they edited out the TV, but we all knew it was there. We knew. We’re pros at this by now. We also learn that Leah has become awarded to the state and is living with Gary since people vandalized Amber’s house by spray-painting “Bad Mom” all over it. I think people should have sprayed “Charlotte Russe” all over it for reasons that are known to Amber. In all dishonesty, Amby-pants seems like she’s doing really well with her 2 years probation, including her future stint in rehab for “angry time” and “substance issues.” Here’s the deal. Everyone keeps making it seem like her “substance issues” is because she’s taking St. Joseph’s chewables. But we all know it’s because she’s on enough pills to stop a charging rhino (aka Gary in heat).

Since we seemed to have picked up right where we left off last year, Amber is sitting on her two-toned couch for “the poors” and waits for her cousin to show up so she actually has someone to talk to that the court will allow her see. Surprise! Krystal-Meth is pregnant again and says to Amber she isn’t sure what she is going to do with a second baby. In an instance like this I think her obvious options are: Give it to Amber so she can shake it or Gut it and use it as a drug mule to Mexico (ole!) or Put a brown wig on it and pass if off to Debra as “baby goo.” Clearly the options are endless. Krystal-Meth seems really intrigued by what Amber means when she says she has to go to “the ‘hab” for substance abuse. Amber just keeps saying, “Like mental/substance..like I’m bi-polar.” Since Amber is a female Pinocchio we know she’s lying since her eyelashes keep growing with every additional sentence that comes out of her mouth/facia bruta. Speaking “da facia” her face is looking amazing. Clean, young, carefree. Those are words that come to mind when I see her meth-marks scattered to and fro, especially fro. However, I’ll go easy on Amby-pants since she’s off to rehab in a couple of weeks. Oh, she’s going to Promises Rehab in Malibu? Oh, sounds tough. I’m pretty sure that’s the same place they shipped Lindsay Lohan off to in order to scrub the freckles off her arms, but I could be wrong. Either way, Lohan is doing swimmingly these days so clearly Promises is the way to go. I honestly envision when Amber heads to California being like the opening credits of the Beverly Hillbillies.

Meanwhile, back at the ski chalet Gary’s MILF (Carol) is coming over and is bringing her obesity and giant styrofoam container of soda. I’m sure it’s either orange or grape flavored. She might as well just spit her teeth out now because waiting another year is just pointless. Plus I want to see it on camera. It looks like Carol may have colored her hair this season, but she’s still committing to her prison-glasses and old lady polyester shirts, just like the nuns I grew up with sported. To sum up, she is a dream come true. Both Gary and Carol (stunning names) are in agreement that whilst Leah does need to see Amber, she seems to be adjusting well already. Totally. I’m sure the fact that a camera crew and the cops are around her 24/7 makes for a smooth transition. As soon as this series ends my money is on Leah huffing computer cleaner and double-fisting two 2-liter bottles of Tab. I know it, you know it, and the state (?) of Indiana knows it. That still is a real place, right? I wasn’t sure if we traded it for the Statue of Liberty. I’m kidding. Obviously Lewis and Clark sold it to the Mayflower for maize and Pilgrim aprons. Duh.

Later Amber is chilling with Krystal-Meth and her fetus in bed and decides to call up Promises to ask just a few cute questions. First off she wants to know if she can bring her suitcase of meds with her and if they’ll allow her to take them. But more importantly she wants to know if she can possibly have her own room in rehab because she has anger issues and doesn’t want to fight anyone. I say Bravo to Amber because obviously she’s been studying Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew and knows that punches are typically thrown on the regular. She could have also asked if she can bring her Easy-Bake Oven for all I know because I zoned out looking at Amber’s Michael Jackson hands that appear to have a metal ball in them and the remains of a poorly applied spray tan. To paint a better picture for you, it looked like Lohan’s wrists in 2009. You know what I’m talking about. She finishes her scene with good old Cuz by screaming that she doesn’t know why she has to do any of this…followed up with stating she doesn’t know how much longer she can remain sane. I’d say as long as Gary remained at his birth weight. You do the math.

In the end, MILFy-Claus is watching Leah so Amber can go visit Gary and not go to “gel” immediately. The second Gary opens the door, Amber wants to know where her glass of wine is. She’s making progress, clearly, because the old Amber would have first sucker-punched him in the face and then demanded her wine. By the way, I love how inserting the wine into this scene suddenly made this into the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. So sophisticated. You can image my shock when I saw an actual bottle of wine on the counter as opposed to a box. Clearly I was disappointed. Also, how the hell old am I that Amber is now at the legal drinking age? Wasn’t I 52 yrs old when Amber was on 16 & Pregnant and eating Taco Bell in Labor & Delivery? Time sure flies when white trash has money. At least that’s how I think the saying goes. Anychins, as soon as Gar-Bear pours the glass of wine, Amber brushes Gary out of the kitchen so she can literally chug the glass. And I’m talking chug. Chug like Carol with a box of Gummy Worms for breakfast (allegedly). She then stumbles out to the crickety wooden bench swing in the backyard and then she and Gary get into a fight over the fact that Amber is drinking and really needs the ‘hab. She should have dipped her chin in the glass to dry that thing up, but this recap isn’t about skincare tips. It’s about making fun of people less fortunate than us so that we feel better about ourselves. If that wasn’t clear when you started reading, hopefully it is now. Amber ends her loud “conversation” with Gary by saying that people wonder why she punched him in his face because now he knows. Really? I thought the only time it was ok to punch your partner in the face was when dinner was late and/or burnt. Has there been a change to that rule? Either way, Amber continues to chug her wine and stating over and over again that she’s a bad person. Honestly, I think she’s totally off-base with that. She’s a bad mom not person. As a person she’s sub-par but as a mom she’s pretty awful. And it’s not really me saying that…I read it off the side of her house at the beginning of the episode. Oh, and come back to this here crap blog tomorrow for a recap of the second episode that MTV sprang on us at 11pm last night when I was just about ready to go to bed and dream of “sexy-dancing” Amber’s.

Farrah – Thank God Farrah and Debra are back to doing their baby talk to each other in all their scenes together because I was really starting to miss it. Debra is still under the impression that “baby goop” is shacking up with her whilst Farrah goes on 1987 Spring Break in Fort Lauderdale. Apparently this was filmed before the reunion last year because had Debra known prior to filming we would have been watching Farrah and Debra converse through a plexi-glass window and Debra sporting an orange jumper with 7 numbers on her chest. Therefore, Debra is surprising Farrah by showing her her childhood room all decorated and set up for Sophia. Honestly, it looks the same except there are some toys on the floor. Plus, I’m pretty sure Sophia would need to go to sleep with a parachute on if she slept in the bed, which is about 15 feet higher than the ground. Baby-friendly, for sure. Farrah is still being wicked creepy and chatting with Sophia all about her dead-daddy and letting her know all the places that he would hide in her room when Michael would come to the door. I was waiting for Farrah to tell her, “And this is the spot where daddy put it in me and we made you!” She would, of course, not say it in a baby-voice because she saves that kind of talk for Debra and her trash claw. I miss that thing, by the way. Moment of silence. Cool, I’m back.

Later, Farrah heads off to therapy and is sure to bring those pretty braces with her since they really make her worm-like head pop! I find myself always humming “Glow little Glow Worm, glitter glitter” every time I see Farrah. Dina, her therapist, still seems as pissed off and judgmental as ever. I’m almost certain she hates Debra and wants to choke her with her very own trash claw. Farrah tells Dina that she’s made the decision to actually bring Sophia with her on spring break instead of giving her to Debra and Michael for the next two years. I guess Farrah finally realized she’s on television and all of “The America” was giving her the side-eye for all of 2011. Dina wants to know what Farrah thinks about how Debra will react to this news. Obviously the answer to this is, “She’s going to stab me a ton with her butcher knives.” Actually I feel like Michael must take a majority of the abuse. He looks like he’s given up on his will to live and just goes to work, goes home, gets yelled at, goes to sleep, and repeats the horrid cycle all over again. Also, what the hell happened with their divorce? Weren’t they supposed to be getting one or am I making that up? I always wondered who would get custody of that “fly” 1990 cherry red BMW. However, the most important piece of the therapy scene was Farrah giving us her trademark ugly-cry. I’m not even kidding, I hope this chick is on meds. And I don’t mean that in a mean way (sort of) but she legit cries in almost every scene that she’s in. That can’t be normal. Although, I’m clearly not the person to be judging normalcy.

Farrah’s scenes were pretty short (Amber dominated) and so after a quick lunch with her sister (and her new long hair and jacked up teeth) it’s time to spring the news on Michael and Debra that she’s taking baby goop with her. It went better than expected, although Farrah does it in her usual monotone way by stating, “I’ve decided to take Sophia with me because I’m her mom and that’s what I decided.” So loving. I think it was taking all the willpower Debra could muster up not to immediately start Googling “chloroform” and doing stretches and lunges. You know how that would end. Both she and Michael think that Sophia would be better of with them since they see her every day, but in the end they support Farrah in her decision. Hahaha. Right. As soon as the camera crew left you totally know their house turned into a classic episode of Tom & Jerry and 2 out of three of them were sporting a raw steak on their eye for the remainder of the night.

Catelynn – Everyone’s favorite childless mother is back! I applaud Cate for being on a show called Teen Mom without actually having her baby. Come to think of it, Amber is in the same boat. Come to think of it, if Farrah left Sophia with Debra and Michael, she’d be in the same boat. So basically the takeaway message for all the young teen moms out there would be, “Have your baby…give it away by the time they’re 2…move on.” Either way, we kick things off with a visit to Dawn the adoption lady who clearly got a nice blowout for her scene this season. Apparently it’s iCarly’s 2nd birthday and Cate and Ty (I call them that) are there to drop off a bunch of gifts that Brandon and Teresa are likely to pick up with two fingers and quickly run them to the dumpster, followed by soaking their hands in Purell and rolling their eyes for 15 straight minutes all while screaming to iCarly, “Don’t touch anything yet!” Dawn has a surprise for Cate and Ty, which is that Brandon and Teresa want to give Carly back to them for good. Oh wait. Never mind. They just want them to all hang out in NYC for a few days just after iCarly’s birthday and before their graduation. Cate and Ty are so psyched by this as I’m sure they’ll spend all their time in the middle of Times Square getting caricatures done of them, eating at Red Lobster, and saying that got the full New York City experience. I think it’s rude that they wouldn’t alert me when they were in NYC so I could stalk them from a distance and update my Facebook page with what kind of bow Catelynn has in her hair and if she’s still sporting her retainer. Spoiler Alert: Black and “always.” It’s like, take that thing out of your mouth while you’re filming your scenes, damn it. Also, don’t be afraid of a little Crest Whitestrips to kick those yellows up a notch.

The major disappointment in this first episode is that Butch is nowhere to be found (jail) and we only get to hear April’s voice for 2 minutes whilst she talks to Cate over the phone. I love how April seemed like she couldn’t care less that they were going to NYC to see Brandon and Teresa. I pictured April opening up a can of Coors and looking at her forehead in the mirror all whilst she chatted with Catelynn and her whore-red lipstick on the phone. Speaking of phone calls, since it’s iCarly’s birthday they are scheduled to call Brandon and Teresa at noon. You totally know that as soon as the call takes place they’re changing their number. The call is as awkward as one can expect and you can hear it in Teresa’s voice that she thinks she can “catch poverty” over the phone. I looked it up on Wikipedia and, guess what, you actually can. Who knew? They get to hear iCarly say a few words and then Teresa hurries them off the phone so she can go swim in the pool of bleach that I’m sure she set up in her kitchen for calls like this.

In the end, Tyler and Cate (I switched it up) bought a birthday cake for iCarly and they’re having it on their living room floor. Cleanly. They each make a wish for iCarly that both consist of her knowing that the only reason they gave her up was so she could have a better life…and, I’m sure, so they could ensure their involvement in the Teen Mom series and not have to change diapers. At least those are the reasons why I assume most give their kids up for “the adoption.” As much as I’m sure iCarly will one day be old enough to be thankful for the adoption I kinda have a little feeling that she’s going to be pissed that she doesn’t have April and Butch in her life. I will know exactly how she feels. It’s the same way I feel every week when they don’t make it into the crapisode. It gives me the sads.

Maci – I’m always over it by the time I need to write about Maci. Luckily in episode 1, MTV only gave her about 8 minutes of scenes and they all have to do with getting Bint-Lee ready for daycare. Maci thinks the best way to get him ready for this is to throw him in a public pool (gross) and see how he does. Luckily Kyle (K-eye) is there to help him swim. It was at that moment where I realized that Kyle in the pool was exactly like the polar bear in the Central Park zoo. Same/same. If you can image, Kyle is whiter than the polar bear and with 1/10th the personality. Sometimes I feel bad teeing off on Kyle because he actually is a decent guy for taking care of Bint-Lee and dealing with Maci’s ever changing hair colors. However, since I’m a scuz-bag I’ll keep with the making fun. Is it just me or has Maci’s accent gotten worse this season? And what the hell was she saying over and over again about Bint-Lee in the pool? “K-eye, he needs to do it by his-self.” His-self? Is that a thing? The good news is that Bint-Lee constantly loses his sh*t in the pool and when Kyle or Maci isn’t holding him.

Later, Maci tells Bint-Lee that he has to go to daycare because “he is mean.” Oh that’s nice. Oddly enough isn’t that they same reason why Amber is going to rehab? Wait, is rehab the same as daycare? I’ve never been to either but hope to make it to both before my life is over. I’ll add it to my Baby Jessica in a Bucket List. That reminds me, shimmy down a well. After Bint-Lee bites Kyle and everyone talks about daycare for 60 minutes, it’s finally time to bring him there. Good. I’m over these three. The break-up scene better be coming soon. I have to admit, Maci is stressing me the F out about daycare. Now I’m all nervous about it! I think Bint-Lee is going to go into cardiac arrest when they drop him off. After much deliberation, both Kyle and Maci bring him to daycare, but Kyle is the one who drops him off. Bint-Lee does just fine during the drop off, as I know you were all concerned. Sure I’m sure he sh*t his pants minutes after the camera crew left, but then again, who doesn’t? I don’t judge. I’m kidding. I do. And you’re gross.

Don’t forget to come back here tomorrow for the recap of episode two! And join me on my Facebook page by clicking here. Oh, and spread the word of this crapbag blog. Ole!

Teen Mom Episode Rating: 1 Yawning Ryan, 1 Crying Farrah, 1 Confused Leah, and 1 Butch (just because)

111 Comments

Craptastic Thoughts from IBBB Readers!

IBBB Said,
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Laura Said,
I am so happy Teen Mom is back in my life so I can reference your blog. Happy days are here again!
CrackinUp Said,
YES! Thank the Gods– Teen Mom is back. Ive been waiting for this and your “spot-on” blogs after each episode. It’s going to be a GOOOOOD summer:)

PS. Amber and her dirty spray tanned hand with piercing made me physically ill to look at. God knows what kind of germs are living on her hands.
donna Said,
we all know cousin krystals baby should go to brandon and teresa.notice they recently adopted another baby.who wants to bets its the cousins?
donna Said,
oh,and farrah did say this is the bed where we might have made you..
Maci's Acne Said,
I admit that I love to watch this train wreck of a show but its return reminds me how much I dislike each of these “moms.” Amber is still horrible. Farrah is still mean (loved when Sophia told her to “SHUDDD UP” though). Cathelynn is still pining for Carly. Maci is still lazy.

And take those damned pacifiers out of those kids’ mouths! No kid with a full mouth of teeth should be sucking on one of those.
cawwwwkhungry Said,
Trash heap says NYAAAAAAH
matt's bong Said,
Farrah is the devil. I can’t believe how mean she is to her dad! That guy needs to run away. What guy is going to deal with her? She get it from her momma. Also a huge bitch.

Ambijikstan was totally gonna bang the boxing guy if she had a chance.

Maci is boring as hell. Ryan is hot, Kyle is slow.

Brandon and Teresa might want to pull the plug on the open adoption. Its sad but I don’t see much good coming from continuing to see them. I bet it makes it harder for everyone. Carly is adorable though! Cate and Ty did the right thing. Poor Carly would have been eaten alive in their situation.

I can’t wait til blog post 2!
Coke Can Polar Bear Said,
YES! I feel complete once more…Teen Mom is back for its final (and most dramatic, as MTV tells us) season, and IBBB recaps make life worth living (unless you’re Amber and then…well…)

Farrah did tell Sophia that they probably made her in that bed…poor Baby Goo should take a bath in that pool of bleach after iCarly is done using it.

Can you imagine Farrah and her Baby Daddy doing it in her parents’ house, all while her dad pounds back prickly pear margaritas and Debra sharpens her trash claw downstairs?
Matt's Sweaty Bangs Said,
Hahahahaha Patrick, Leah wasn’t AWARDED to the state. She is a ward of the state. I don’t know if you wrote that purposely or if it was another “bitch jungle” type situation but I love it and I love you.

Back to reading for more giggles.
Hachet Face Said,
I actually felt bad for Michael when he was crying on the couch at the end. Granted, he seems to be the only one in that family that shows genuine emotion not revolving around butcher knives or yelling. But seriously, I wanted to reach through the screen and hand him a prickly pear margarita or two…

Also, glad to see nothing has changed. Amber is still on the couch, Maci is still boring, Farrah is still crying and Catelynn is still pretending she actually has a reason to be on this show. Show me more Butch and April!!
Wednesdaystreat Said,
They’re baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!

So, isn’t anybody else going to mention what TERRORS these two-year-olds are? I think Leah was the most well-behaved, and how scary is that?? (Ok, I only saw photos of ICarly, so who can tell? However, kudos to Brandon and Teresa for not allowing their actual faces to be shown). Anyway, Bintley and Baby Goop are both nightmares. But who didn’t see that one coming?

Amber: You scare me. You are sick.

Spot on with the blog again–Catlynn’s teeth are straight but GROSS now, and Farrah looks like a 40-year-old hooker. Maci’s acne is worse than ever with her two-toned hair, and Amber is just Amber.

Can’t wait for tomorrow when we learn that the Polar Bear left for like three days because Maci is INDEED an idiot, and Farrah makes Michael drive from NE to FL with about an hour’s notice after he packs the whole U Haul. Grow some balls, man.
Woot Said,
I feel so bad for Michael! I swear I want him as my dad, so I can at least call him daddy. Farrah you evilllllll bitch! Take your effin ugly cry to Florida where you can show off your implants!

FYI, I want Kyle to bang me hard. I know he looks like he’s a pug, but man oh man get gets my loins going! I almost orgasmed looking at him swim in that pool. I wouldn’t mind his southern accent also, because i’m from Louisiana. CALL ME KYLE!

Did anyone besides me find it creepy at Cate & Ty bought a cake for iCarly’s birthday? That kid will never want a relationship with them after watching this shit. It’s like they’re having adoption remorse. I bet Brandon & Teresa want to cut all ties after watching the many seasons of Teen Mom.
Conspiracy Man Said,
Maci- I thought Maci took teh summer off school to be with Bintley. Why is she then sending him to day care? I was also suspicious of the “trip out of state” because around that time her boob job appeared out of nowhere. It looked like she did not have it when the show started, and then they popped out of nowhere. Also- why is Ryan the bad guy, when Maci calls him and asks him to pick the kid up 3 hours before schedule, even though she has planned this “trip” for weeks? When Kyle refused to buy into her bitchy scheme, she banished him from the house. I am sure that the only reason he came back was because he had to pay his monthly car note and insurance bills. She is the most insidiously horrible person of all of them. She explains away all of her nastiness and always tries to look like the victim. She has a pack of yes-man friends and a boyfriend who is just a metaphorical punching bag for her vain and pusillanimous schemes.

Cate- I loved the fact that Brandon and Teresa are finally pinching it off with the step siblings. You know that there was a serious session of laying down the rules before they agreed to meet with the parents. They must have come to the conclusion that the whole blend MTV/celebrity/genetics was toxic to raising a normal kid. The fact that they are abandoning ship on this whole open adoption is the only positive thing I have seen on this entire show.
donna Said,
i agree about the creepiness of catelynn and tyler.they do realize that carly is not their child,right?run,brandon and teresa!!change your names,get plastic surgery.i love when farrah moved.so michael really drove a truck from iowa to florida?what jobs do michael and debra have that they never work and were gonna take care of sophia?woot,kyles so ugly hes adorable!!
Goldentrashclaw Said,
Did anyone else love how Debra said the Farrah wine was ” vinegary and yuck” then looked at Farrah haha
Conspiracy Man Said,
Maci- did anyone notice that the boob job suddenly sprouted right around the time of the big trip “to warn kids about teen pregnancy”. I loved the fact that all of Ryan’s friends completely outed her on her appeals to teen wholesomeness when she was living with her baby with a man who was not her husband or the baby’s father. Maci is the most insidiously evil one of all the girls. How could she even try to play the victim when she gave Ryan less than a haf day’s notice of her need to have Bintley picked up three hours earlier? When K-eye refused to buy into her victimology, she sent him packing, and he only returned because he had to make some monthly payments and he quit his job to be with her and MTV. Didn’t she quit school for the summer to take care of Bintley? Why was she then sending him to day care?
Conspiracy Man Said,
I too loved the whole drinking of Farrah wine and determining it was sour.
Barb'sBitchOfADaughtah Said,
I was hoping there would be more talk about the giant growths on Ambuuuuuh’s chin(s). I don’t remember much of anything that was said (slurred, screamed) in her scenes. I couldn’t take my eyes off of those things.
Lyzz Said,
I think I peed my pants … I LOVE this shit, a males perspective. AMAZEBALLS.
(charging rhino aka Gary in heat .. fuckin hilarious!)
IBBB Said,
Hahah yes I totally thought they said was “awarded to the state” like a prized pig. It was definitely another “b*tch jungle” moment for me. Womp womp! Hahaha.

-IBBB
Conspiracy Man Said,
NEWS FLASH. Catelyn Lowell is pregnant again. I predict that this is a pathetic attempt to keep in the celebrity spotlight. When Tyler comes out of the closet, this is going to be a trainwreck. Fast forward 20 years, and she will be April II.
Kay Said,
“It’s about making fun of people less fortunate than us so that we feel better about ourselves. If that wasn’t clear when you started reading, hopefully it is now.”

Well I know that is why I am here. And it totally works, just like watching an episode of Hoarders.
Conspiracy Man Said,
All I could think of when I saw Tyler hit NYC was that a few more of these trips, and his eyes will be opened to the gay clubs and all the things that are possible in the big city that do not exist in BFE.
Woot Said,
OMG, Cate & Ty are pregnant again! *shoots self*
I thought she had the Mirena IUD?!?!?! She was just preaching about birth control/condoms, and yet she’s with iCarly 2.0 again. This shyt just writes itself! Patrick, omg what do you think?
Kelli Said,
The whole time I watch all I can think is WWPD?And the answer is make me laugh like an idiot while I am sitting at my desk pretending to work.As much as I hate all these girls I stick it out for the blog and the comments.
Chin cysts Said,
I love how Amber was freaking the F out about how worried she was that Leah won’t remember her while she’s in the ‘hab for a month. But volunteering for a 5 year jail sentence is A-OK!!

On a happier note, Leah is so articulate for only being 2! Sophia and Bint-lee are both binkie babies and a little hard to understand, but Leah spoke so clearly. Unfortunately all of her lines were “I miss you mommy”. Major sads
Amber's Huge Glass of Moscato Said,
Unfortunately, Patrick, Indiana is a real place. Amber and Gary are typical white trash Hoosiers (I live there, so I can talk shit) I’m so glad that my taxes are helping pay for Amber’s stay in gel!!

Farrah’s therapist reminds me exactly of my old one, right down to the Kate Gosselin hair and judgemental attitude.
Amber's Huge Glass of Moscato Said,
I must admit that Gary was actually a pretty good dad in this episode though
Woot Said,
Chin cysts: I agree! My daughter just made 18 months yesterday, and now I want to trash all of the pacis in my house. Thank god she only using them to sleep, and not just to have one in her mouth 24/7. I honestly think its time for Sophia to trash her paci anyway.
Conspiracy Man Said,
Chin- I agree. It was awesome watching Amber’s feaux concern about time with her baby when everyone in the country had to be soaking up the irony of every word out of her mouth. It was almost as if you could hear the collective guffaws of the nation every time she said something.

At least she was 21 and able to drink away some of the stress of her upcoming rehab. I wonder how many times that rehab receptionist has been asked whether it is okay to bring “medicine”.
QueenofCorona Said,
I only made it through the first episode then had to go take a hot shower of Purell after seeing Ambers syphillis Hepatitis C oozing herpes skin.

Farrah’s sister teeth scare me also.
HiHorse Said,
Was I the only one who was genuinely scared for Gary when Amber was drinking and then got pissed at him?
Even if she was drunk, there’s no way he could outrun her. Sitting duck.
And poor Michael. He’s so sweet and helpful. He’s the only one in the whole household who’s sane, but he’s been so henpecked it’s pathetic. He loaded all that ungrateful brats shit in the Uhaul practically by himself and then loaded her car and off into the sunset… If he had any sense he’d have snatched Sophia and ran to Canada with her so they could live happy SANE lives without those 2 nutjobs!
Maci. Bentley is adorable, but I’m afraid Ryan has been right all along: you ARE dumb. Kyle is a good guy and he doesn’t need to be saddled with Maci-i can see him staying for Bentley though. There’s true feelings there, not many guys that age would put up with ’some other dudes’ kid!
C&T are stalkers. I can totally see B&T closing the adoption soon-and they should! Don’t saddle Carly with this. Imagine when she’s in school, all the other kids will know of her unfortunate lineage. Her life will be hell!
Coke Can Polar Bear Said,
And would someone PLEASE rip the damn paci out of Sophia’s mouth? That kid is 2 and a half!

Does anyone else find it ironic that Leah has the nicest clothes out of all the TM babies, that she’s the only one without a binky, and that she actually seems to be more or less potty trained? I guess Gar Bear is not as bad as he looks (aside from passing on his values on healthy nutrition and exercise, of course).
Kortney Said,
I think Gary has done a great job with Leah. Thank goodness she has someone in her life with some stability. I also noticed how more behaved and neat Leah was than the other 2. I can’t believe Bint-lee and Sophia still have paci’s in their mouths throughout the day!! I took my son’s during the day at 12 months (he only got it for naps and bedtime). Then, at 18 months, they were gone all together. For those kids to still be walking around with them anytime is lazy and ridiculous.
donna Said,
maybe garys milf is the reason leah is doing so well.i feel bad for bentley because he is so attached to kyle.
dacabsarehere Said,
I love that someone has named themselves chin cysts … omgosh, how can anyone focus on any of Ambers scenes when her chin has more bumps than a mountain top. Also, I loved how in ‘hab she was talking about how horrible her parents were to her and how bad her childhood was and you could totally feel she knows shes doing the exact same thing to poor little Leah. She knows shes a horrible mother and thats why she hates life, makes me think she took the jail sentence just as an excuse to not have to try and be a parent anymore. Kudos to gloppy gar for stepping up though. It can’t be easy being young and being a single dad and having to deal with a trainwreck like Ambuh. Kudos, kudos.

The reason Maci is so boring is because shes a lazy ass with no life. Such a disappointment for all of us who thought she was going to the one to make us proud and be the responsible one. The funny thing is Ryan seems to be the one who has his priorities straight and he’s totally right about her living with a guy and not being married, its so sad to see little Bent-Lee running after Kyle and knowing that they’re not together anymore. Poor, little junior polar bear.

I had to google the thing about Catylynn being pregnant, I was hoping it was not true. So much for finishing college, getting married … blah blah blah. Trainwreck after trainwreck on this show, its so sad its hard to even watch anymore.
Heather Said,
You guys – did you notice George Zimmerman’s wife looks just like Amber? It’s amazing – I did a mug shot comparison.
donna Said,
if catelynn is pregnant,in a few years this kid will be calling brandon and teresa saying please adopt me,please!!brandon and teresa are gonna have a crowded house with all these kids we are giving them.
Matt's Sweaty Bangs Said,
@Heather-that is so funny because I was just googling Pretty Little Liars spoilers and there was a picture of George Zimmerman’s wife and I thought it was Amber!
Conspiracy Man Said,
HiHorse – You put it perfectly. None of this open adoption is good for iCarly. Her REAL (adoptive) parents seem to know that celebrity and MTV fame is horrible for the growth of a normal kid. They must know that kids will be merciless about her genetic lineage and that T&C are really just stalkers. If they really cared about Carly, they would just leave he alone and be available for her if she decides on her own that she ever wants to meet them. It should be Carly’s decision to see them, not their rights as “parents”.
Square Hair Said,
Chin cysts – I agree! Leah and Bint-Lee are the only ones (well, we didn’t get to see Carly really) that can talk decent. Bint-Lee was adorable when he got excited that he was going to his Nana’s or whatever he calls her. Remember when Leah never really talked much and just rocked back and forth or shook her head?? She has come a long way!

Amber’s hands skurred me too. That piercing in them and that huge red ring around it (infection?!?!) Ewwwww…

Maci – the whole scene of the swimming lesson stressed me out!! Maci was hollering for Kyle to stop helping and that he was messing it up and he was yelling KICK KICK! and Bint-Lee was screaming bloody murder. Omg…WTHeck! Made me go bonkers!
Conspiracy Man Said,
The adoption is open for the child, not the birth parents. I think that most birth parents understand this concept, but C&T’s perspective has been warped from a show that demands that they have some purpose for being on the show. You give a child up for adoption so that the child can have a good life, not so that you can have a little pet to visit whenever you feel like it.
Conspiracy Man Said,
Does anyone else share my concerns that these kids are becoming child stars? Child stars have a horrible track record, and I think Brandon and Teresa are the only parents who seem to be giving their child’s well-being any concern. Every other parent on this show just seems to care about their own lives and careers.
Back Down In Gravel With Ryan Said,
I was pleasantly surprised to see how well Leah is doing. She’s light years ahead of the other two in speech, potty training, behavior, etc. She seems like a sweet kid. It’s too bad she has such a dirtbag for a mother.
Isaac's Giant Sneakers Said,
I can’t stand AMBUH! Was it just me or every time she was with those stupid therapist/trainers did she seem totally fake?! The scene on the couch when she was speaking in incoherent one word sentences seemed like she was in a drugged haze. WTF is wrong with Gary. He should be glad she is out of Leah’s life. She is a disaster and has nothing positive to contribute to Leah’s life.

Maci really needs some proactiv or something. You are on TV, get yourself together.

Farrah needs some major therapy and a new LICENSED therapist. She spends a lot of time speaking out loud to a dead man. I actually feel really sorry for her and that baby. I hope she survives FL, I have a bad feeling about that move.

Am I the only one that likes Cate and Ty? I think it’s sweet that they celebrated iCarly’s bday. I can’t imagine giving away your baby and it seems like they are doing pretty well all things considered. Actually now that I just read she is prego again maybe I don’t like them so much. Get it together Poors and stop having kids before you have a job!!!
Woot Said,
I think the reason baby goop can’t talk clearly, is from that effin pacifier! I also find they talk to her in baby talk. Talk fricken English to the kid! My kid says thank you and please at 18 months old!!!!
Conspiracy Man Said,
Patrick – Thanks so much for the gratuitous shot of Butch. It is important for us to keep him in our thoughts as much as possible, and it is nice to see that someone is taking the initiative to keep him there.
donna Said,
also.i want to be a cougar because ryan is still his sexy self..
donna Said,
thanks for bringing our rating system back
Brenda Walsh Said,
Not only is this recap a delight, but so are everyone’s comments. Thank you all for making my Wednesday so wonderful!

I also thought Amber’s hand was infected – so nasty!

Catelynn & Tyler are so creepy. Brandon and Theresa were very smart not to film the reunion. Start phasing it out folks! It seems like Catelynn and Tyler are constantly trying to convince themselves they did the right thing, when they clearly have regrets. It would be sad if they weren’t so obsessed. And if they are indeed pregnant again, god help them.

Also, some people have mentioned Maci’s trip coinciding with her new boobs – very astute! Wonder why she is being so secretive and Farrah let it all out last season?
Conspiracy Man Said,
Brenda- It seems like C&T’s obsession is probably magnified by the fact that they have to relive their decision for every show. If they were just normal, non-celbrities, they would just have moved on with their lives and done what is best for their baby and her new, REAL family.

It is also creepy that they timed the pregnancy announcement to coincide with the opening of the new season. They must have some PR guys advising them of the best way to cash in on the pregnancy.
KittyCouture Said,
Wow, I forgot how much of a horrible person Farrah is. I can’t concentrate on any one else because Farrah is just so bad! Whoever said that Farrah needs another licensed therapist is totally right. She needs a whole army of them! Farrah has this idea that if Derrick was alive, they would be married and happy and all would be right with the world…ummm, NO! They weren’t even together when he died and they had major issues when they were together. No to mention, most people don’t marry the dude they dated at 16. Someone needs to tell her that, yes, it’s tragic that he died so young but it’s time to stop blaming your lack of a boyfriend and happiness on the fact that he’s not here. The reason she is unhappy is because she has a horrible attitude, she is a selfish brat and she is confrontational and hostile. She pushes away anyone that tries to love her or have a relationship with her…. hence, no boyfriend or any friends to speak of.

I realized when she was talking to her parents about taking Sophia to FL that her problem is that she doesn’t know how to express herself in a convincing way so she just yells. She doesn’t have the words to get her points across so she just gets angry and confrontational. That whole “and that’s my decision cus that’s what I’ve decided and… that’s the way it’s going to happen” was a mess! Ugh, I don’t know if I can stand her for another whole season!
Chin cysts Said,
I hope this Catelynn pregnancy is just another tabloid story. Did we not see her get shot up the vagiola with an IUD on the very first Teen Mom episode? However, Leah got pregnant while she had her IUD, then miscarried. Brooke (16 and Pregnant, she got married to the race car driver, wanted to live in a barn) is pregnant again, and she had the IUD inserted in her 16&P ep. Kailyn has one too, better watch out…
Jenny Said,
This is regarding the second episode, but I thought it was hilarious (and scary) when Debra asked Sophia if she would miss her and Sophia said no. Also, I love the rating at the end of the recaps!
QueenofCorona Said,
@Conspiracy Man, also funny how its the LAST season, what better time to have a baby in hopes of getting a spin off show. I’d like to think they aren’t that much of opportunist but why NOW are they having a baby after all the “We’re gonna do something with our lives” talk they’ve been humping for years.

How bad did Debra want to back hand the snot out of Farrah last night? I think the world and her probation dept would have looked the other way.

Its unfortunate Bentley got Maci’s “looks”
CrackinUp Said,
I think Bentley is cute…though, i hope he doesnt get her skin! ACCUTANE would be the best bet!

And, seriously congrats to Brandon and Teresa for not allowing the “reunion” to be filmed. That is just weird!!!
I majorly agree with whoever said if they (C&T) were just normal teens that werent in the spotlight this situation would be totally different. No cameras, no stalking/no creepiness, no dragging it out…..they would actually be able to move on.
Woot Said,
Chin cysts: You’re making me nervous! I have the same IUD as these braods, and I haven’t been pregnant yet! I’m telling the hubby he has to wear a jimmy from now on.
Claire Said,
I couldn’t focus on much of the show since my attention kept going to the fact that Bint-Lee and Sophia still had pacifiers. Take them away now! Unless you have a nice little nest egg of Teen Mom money set aside for their future dental work, but I’m pretty sure they bought new boobs with it instead. Priorities…

I’m just going to start calling Amber “Blockhead” since no matter how fat or thin she gets, her ugly ass head is still bloated, large, and square.
Sue Said,
Amber is disgusting. That is all.

Farrah is also a horrible person. She acts awful to her parents and they put up with it. I can’t believe she’s not embarrassed to act that way on TV.

Maci, must be nice to have an MTV check so you can ask your kid if he wants to go to daycare, then sit on your ass at home. Most parents that have to work don’t get to ask the kid over and over again if they are OK with going to daycare.

Catelynn pregnant? Shocker. Nothing has really changed with them over the past 2 years. They’re both unemployed students with crappy parents. They should award this one to Brandon and Teresa too.
Conspiracy Man Said,
Claire – very astute observation about the boob to dentistry ratio.

I have no kids and am too lazy to google my question – when shoudl kids be weaned off the pacifier?
Conspiracy Man Said,
Sue- I am just guessing, but I would bet that Brandon and Teresa would not want to further cement their bond with C&T with yet another child. From all appearances last night, it looks like they are desperately trying to pinch it off with C&T and MTV and flush the whole deal.
Woot Said,
Conspiracy Man: Most people say it should be gone by two years old. I’m giving my 18th month until her 2nd birthday, and then i’m drop kicking them all out of my house.
Meee Said,
Amber flirting with her “instructors” and trying her hardest to cry on cue was the most awkward moment of my life. Im kidding. Catelynn and Tyler saying I love you to icarlys parents was the most awkward moment of my life. Any why is it catelynn and amber both think it’s ok to kick their shoes off in someone’s office (or lounge chair overlooking the ocean) and put their feet up in the chair? That’s not ok, ever.
Amanda Said,
Well now Catelynn has given a statement to US Magazine saying she is NOT pregnant. So there’s that little change. Who knows anymore!
Jenni Said,
I can’t be the only person who squeeled in delight when Snarlin’ Darlin’ was shown in the preview of ‘This season on Teen Mom’ at the end of the show last night. Sure, he was cuffed and wearing an orange jumpsuit, but I’ll take it! Butch is back, baby!
Amber's Huge Glass of Moscato Said,
Wasn’t there an episode where Maci got pissed at Ryan for letting Bentley use his pacifier? Ugh I want to like her but she’s such a hypocrite sometimes
Amby's hand piercing Said,
Yes- that was an episode and she was pissed he let Bintley have his pacy.
I dont know if its as much as shes a hypocrite as she is just dumb. (I think R-hine is on to something here! He calls it like he sees it).
Ignorantbitches Said,
Maci in a Waka Flocka jersey. WOW
Conspiracy Man Said,
Jenni- we lost control at our place when Butch hit the screen. He is the anchor of the show.
Amber's Prescription Bottles Said,
Did anyone notice the “cheese in a can” on Gary’s kitchen window sill and the big brown paper bag from “Cracker Barrel” on his kitchen counter (behind Amber as she chugged her vino)? Perhaps he brought home some meatloaf to turn her on but ate it himself before she got there?!?
Ignorantbitches Said,
Eww I soo agree on how nasty it was to see catelynn all smashed up on that chair with he shoes off and he yellow jumpsuit was GROSS .. It made me chuckle when Theresa complimented it!
Amber's Prescription Bottles Said,
What can we expect from Catelynn – she and Tyler have come many, many miles from their upbringing, but when you consider they came from April and Butch, well, some old habits die hard and you gotta slip off the flip-flops on other ppl’s furniture – if it had been April, she’d probably take off her shoes and socks and thrust her feet in someone’s face saying, “Do I stink?”…
Amber's Prescription Bottles Said,
I was just watching the second episode – wow, I certainly hope that trainer Amber was “kickboxing” or whatever with is wearing some serious jock armor under his pants. When he said she needed to stay longer to recover completely and she got all pissy then continued their workout, I really thought she was going to go straight for his crotch!
Ignorantbitches Said,
Lmao @ amber’s prescription bottles.

I can totally see April doing that with her feet!!!

Ugh I hated when the trainer told her that her face lit up when she answered if she loved being a mom. Idk why, I just do.

Anyone else notice catelynns iPhone, new furniture, box of makeup and tyler’s new car?

When I saw catelynn putting on makeup I wanted her to thrust it in the air and yell “EXPENSIVE!”
Wednesdaystreat Said,
Yeah, I totally noticed all the new bling. Tyler’s gold watch, Maci’s jeep and Kyle’s red BMW! Why do they continue the facade that they all live in crappy places (well, at least T and C live in a NASTY TRAILER??? YEAH RIGHT!).
Isaac's Giant Sneakers Said,
Also Maci has LV luggage which I am dying for. WTH. My husband and I both work hard and have great jobs and I still don’t have LV luggage!

Finally what the hell kind of fluffy cartoon pants was Amber wearing. Seriously, invest in some plain black yoga pants.
Anonymous Said,
Farrah (”Micheal’s my bitch”) wrote a BOOK? Kill me now.
Anonymous Said,
Farah called it a “Jew Haul” OMFG.
Britt Said,
Ok so I finally managed to watch the 1st episode. Even tho I had been fully warned about Ambuh’s hand piercing infection I STILL threw up. Not a little in my mouth. Like projectile everywhere. I’m sending her a care package of peroxide and antiseptics to gel.
Kristen Said,
Amber is spending 5 years in jail because she couldn’t handle rehab, and news today broke that Cate and Ty are pregnant.
Welcome to Miami, OK Said,
Giant sneakers- I also like Ty and Cait because they are mature beyond teen mom years. I personally don’t think they are stalkers but when they have been on a show about moms for four years without a kid they have to come up with something. I am rooting for them even if Cait is Ty’s beard.

I was majorly side eyeing all of Amber’s infected piercings. Also I think MTV edited in that taxi that came after Amber chugged like 3 glasses of barefoot pino. And I loved Amber’s comment about how she had just had her first drink since she just turned 21. Are you fooling the Americas or yourself Ambuh?
Welcome to Miami, OK Said,
Also IBBBBB, I have to applaud you on your title and the connection you made between rehab and daycare. I enjoyed that. Maybe you should be awarded to the state! (In a good way).
alexis Said,
What was up with Tyler when Dawn announced Brandon and Theresa were going to be in NYC? Tyler kept looking around, confused, as if he was about to get PUNK’d?
Amber's Prescription Bottles Said,
@ Welcome to Miami, OK – Amen on all your comments about Ambuh! I totally thought the taxi was edited in by MTV too.

I couldn’t help but lmao at Farrah showing Sophia all the parts of her old bedroom that she and Daddy Derek had “enjoyed”. “See this towel? Your Daddy would use this towel to ‘clean himself up with’ after he’d come inside my gentleman greeter. I never had it washed because it reminded me so much of him…”.
Amber's Prescription Bottles Said,
It’s interesting how Amber has always admired Marilyn Monroe and wanted to be just like her – well, Amber’s wish has come true! She’s so high on her pills and Lord knows what else that she sounds like a cross between Marilyn Monroe (when Marilyn was doped up) and Anna Nicole Smith (who I’m sure was high). Esp. when her cousin Krystle came over – “How’s the baby?” while rubbing her own stomach – wtf? She sounded like a 5 year-old.
packing on the lbs Said,
Couldn’t Maci have put the pool in the garage if it wasn’t in use?? So tacky on your front lawn especially if you are being taped! Also, could you have cleaned your house?? Saw the cleaning products on the counter- but junk everywhere! Again, you are being taped!

Cate and Ty are SOOOO gross! They totally need sylists! TACKY! The bear was tacky too!

Leah is super cute and she is going to be super fat! Size 5 diapers?? Guess you do need to potty train!
Kelli Said,
So when did Amber become a chola?
Penelope Said,
I can’t stop skeeving over the site of Ammmbuhhhhh’s infected hand. Ew. You just know that the hole stinks to high heaven with infection. My cat had an infected toenail once. The smell that emanated from the wound could best be described as “Jonestown, November 1978.” It was godawful. We helped poor kitty and his nasty paw. Who will help Amber’s? Redness like that is a sign that the piercing should be removed, the hole should be disinfected and bandaged, and a course of antibiotics taken!

Tyler and Catelynn, that wasn’t a car door you heard slamming.

Maci is useless. I am, however, totally in love with Bintlee.

Farrah looks really, really rough. Like, 40 year old cocktail waitress at one of the Binion casinos on Fremont Street rough.
Raquel Said,
So Amber is subscribing to the Maci Bookout school of skin care now?
Trash Heap Said,
I am so happy the ratings are back and that we got one Butch just because! Darl is the man.
Joe's Rap Career Said,
I have missed the ratings! Good stuff. I have a feeling everyone else is going to be boring this season except Amber. These comments are hilarious!
maci's hair Said,
what about farrah telling Michael and Debra that she’s a big kid now i thought for sure that you would put that in there …….oh and if i remember correctly from cate and ty’s 16&preggers episode they have a SEMI-open adoption instead of a full on open one
Barb'sBitchOfADaughtah Said,
I don’t understand why everyone on this show looks greasy and disgusting in every scene. The camera crew doesn’t just show up randomly. These trash heaps know when they’re going to be filmed.
maci's hair Said,
oops nevermind cate & ty’s website says its completely open
lifeless for the summer Said,
and i hate how there is an epidemic of teen girls in my state if texas naming their babies Bint Lee. my parents’ dog is named that! get a life.
Amy Said,
Wow – two recaps!! I love you, Patrick.
Woot, I am a secret Kyle admirer also. My boyfriend has three daughters, so I know how hard it is to play the parent to somebody else’s kids. He does a great job – better than me – and seems like a really decent guy. Judging by the comments above, Maci doesn’t realize how lucky she is and “Rhine” is right; she is dumb.
So are all the rest of the girls – it doesn’t sound like much has changed. Farrah deserves to be stabbed between the eyes for the horrible way she talks to her parents, especially her dad. Why doesn’t Dr. Drew ever bring THAT little chestnut up in the reunion shows??
I think Farrah’s parents aren’t “together” together, but they still live in the same house…they were going to get a divorce in the first season but I guess they changed their minds. Either that or Debra threatened him with her butcher knives, because there is no way that that guy can be happy. I feel so sorry for him.
On a positive note, I’m pleased to her that Leah is finally talking – clearly, Amber’s absence is doing her the world of good. I always thought Leah was adorable, despite her parentage – it’s a shame that it probably won’t last.
Right, I’m off to read the second recap now – somehow I don’t think my productivity at work is going to be very high today!
Amy Said,
One last thing – if Catelynn really is pregnant again, then MTV needs to call it a day and can this franchise for good. Seriously. It didn’t work.
Gary's busted porch swing Said,
First off—

I’m so glad the ski chalet serves fine wine! Good to know. And why didn’t Gary brush Leah’s hair after her bath? No more tangles!

Secondly—

Is Kyle Rainman? I mean Maci had to yell at him everything to do in the pool. He is so literal. Get some sense!

And where does she meet these people, like her friend, The Preschool Teacher? What is her degree in? An associate’s degree in musical chairs w an emphasis on sticker charts? Get real! She was like 18.

Next—-

Is Tyler wearing Garanimals’ new line for wanna b gangstas? And I keep waiting on small planes to land on Catelynn’s forehead. MTV please cut the cord on those two! They have to narrate every thought they think. Boring!!!!

Lastly—

Farrah, please move and camera crew please stay. I wanted Michael to say so bad- “ok here’s how the move is gonna go. You are gonna take your skank ass w all ur stuff u legit paid for and drive five days to Florida your own lazy self. So get to packin sister!” that would take, let’s see, zero hours bc she never had to work for anything ever!

What’s up w all these therapists? Where do they find them? Cate and Ty’s is in a portable bldg and is available for crises like if Ty wants bacon and care wants ham. And Amber’s, well she thinks massaging her stomach will bring out the demons. All this is sickening, people! Why am I still watching????
Wednesdaystreat Said,
Is Tyler wearing Garanimals’ new line for wanna b gangstas?

Ok, that’s a good one!
Amber's Acne Said,
Good lord, I couldn’t focus on ANYTHING but Amber’s gigantic zit pile on her chin.

And what the hell was she on when she was talking to Crystal-meth about her “CPS” record? She’s sitting there having a drug-induced rage fest and trying to figure out why her daughter was taken away. Take a look in the mirror. I was waiting for her to beat this shit out of Crystal.
Amber's Acne Said,
I can’t believe you guys actually believed the bogus ‘In Touch’ article about Catelynn. Christ.
thedingo Said,
To be honest, I don’t think tyler and catelynn would fawn over carly so much if it werent for the cameras. I could be wrong though.
:) Said,
Wow, this episode is old. Carly turned 3 on May 19 this year. I hate when it’s so far behind :/
Kortney Said,
Amber’s Acne: I thought the same thing about the convo between Amber and Krystal. I could see the fear in Krystal’s eyes. She was seriously considering making a run for it and getting the hell out of their before Amber started pretending she was Gary and beating the shit out of her!!

And I wish someone would tell Amber that the fake eyelashes look awful and make her look even more batshit crazy than she already is. I swear some of the facial expressions she makes sometimes when arguing with people is priceless. I feel like I should be paying MTV for this kind of entertainment.
Accutane Said,
i hate how amber always says she is the one paying the price and the only one going through this crap like she did nothing wrong its so annoying
Ambers Oompa Loompa Tan Said,
YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. I can stop holding my breath now. I have been waiting for this moment… all.my.life… kidding, but no… I have! Spot on as usual.

I really do not get Amber’s anger issues. She freaked on gar bear over nothing. I guess she just snapped because of his garbage porch swing, but still, no need to get so verbally violent over it!

Maci is super boring. Her and Kyle I think are back together now. I don’t think she’ll find anyone better and he loves BinnntLEEEE.

@Gary’s Busted porch swing, I thought the same thing about Leah’s hair! My gawd, her poor dress was probably soaked because gar bear obvi didn’t dry her hair or anything!
Ambers Oompa Loompa Tan Said,
@Ambers acne, I gagged a few times at her nasty chin. Ugh. Can you imagine what her back and chest look like? And WTF was up with her outfit when she came to see Gary? I mean seriously?! She looked like a hooker that just finished her shift. No wonder she needed a draaaaank.
Gary's Busted Porch Swing Said,
I can’t believe that on the season previews Farrah says that she wants to get engaged and stuff. Who could she possibly open her cold heart to? Or could she just be needing to find a “Replacement Michael” to haul her shit around or put frozen peas on her boobs?

Why is Amber suddenly possessed? When she was in therapy at one point she was whisper talking one word sentences like she was in a sayance (sp?)

Also, did anyone else think her caseworker was like Joey Grecco from Cheaters when he was talking to Gary on the phone giving him a play by play–
“Ok, Gary, Amber is just coming around the corner now… What are your thoughts on this?”

Now that the snow is all gone from the ski chalet, they shoulod turn it into a summer cottage get-away! And has Gary gained like 200 lbs since the last season? What’s Eating Gilbert Grape?

And I am from Texas…. I may have a slight accent that I don’t notice, but Maci is trying to totally enhance hers with each and every episode and I find it annoying. Gag. Give it up, please!

Catelynn has gained weight, too. It’s hard losing those last few baby pounds… I’ve had 5. I guess the Boutique hours are occupying all her gym time. And I really want an update on Monte… What is he up to these days? Is it just me or does he remind anyone else of Kody from Sister Wives? It’s his creepy announcer voice and acid washeds.
Amanda Said,
I lose my shit everytime you write ‘gel’. Keep up the epic work!
Amber's Prescription Bottles Said,
“Do you think it’d be more expensive to hire a lawyer or to go to gel?”

Thank you God, for showing me that no matter how low I may go, I can always count on Amber Portwood (and her sleazy brother) to feel morally and grammatically superior.