Real Housewives of New Jersey: Rosie Teaches the Kids About Scissors

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When the hell is the last time this show has been on?  I’ve been worried sick about Lauren’s dieting and if she’s finally in her “size 4.”  I wasn’t aware that Hanes Husky ran that small and, yes, it’s going to be that kind of recap.  Things start off pretty normal in this episode, meaning that Milania is declaring Jihad on the Guidice mansion and future Section 8 Housing and Foreclosure.  She’s teeing off on Gia (z-snap) because she thinks she’s texting her boyfriend.  I wonder if her boyfriend is Derrick?  Huh, Derrick! It becomes obvious to me that Gia is simply using her phone to update her lyrics to her Milania song now that she is a year older.  “First you were one, then you were two…now you are 6…and serving 25 to life with daddy.” Touching lyrics, obviously.  Since Gia has the rage of Satan in her (a title previously held by Milania) she screams at the poor (soon enough) child and scares her out of the room.  Gia is the delicate oriental flower that she’s always been, but her voice is morphing into Large Marge.  As it should.  As. It. Should.

If you’re wondering where we left off with the whole “Teresa and Joe” faux-fight, we’re still at the part where everyone is paid extra to say the popular catch-phrases:  “I want to be brother and sister again” and “Let’s just move forward and be a family.”  I think Tre-bagger and Doozer should just commence the boot knocking ceremony and call it a day.  You’s sons-a-b*tches!  Since Saul is the voice of reason (with not much else to contribute) he thinks Doozer should reach out to Tre and suggest that they go to therapy, which Doozer does…via text…with cameras up.  I honestly find is shocking that Tre knows how to work the text messaging component of her phone.  Although I’m sure it’s filled with just smiley face responses, especially the sidewards winky face and the ghetto heart you can make with the number three and the “less than” sign like so:  <3   Regardless, Tre doesn’t think they need therapy and that Melissa should go with her husband instead.   I think Melissa, Doozer, Tre, and Barney should all put on black jogging pants, purple Nike’s, drink some special Kool-Aid (in which Rosie would crash through the brick wall), and take a nice trip into outer space with that rest of the Italian cult.  Who’s with me?  No one?  The hell with you then.  To make things even smarter (or wicked smarter as some would say) Tre tells Jacqueline (who is still in this show for reasons I’m unaware of) that her brother wants her to go to physical therapy.  I know it was just a slip of the tongue, but I think she should go to both regular therapy and physical therapy.  Obviously the physical therapy will be because of her back pain due to the strain of her own hairline pulling her down towards the ground on the regular.  Also, I’m sure Milania beats the bag out of her as well.  Now you are six…Mil-aaaa-nia!

There’s a lot of other filler in this crapisode like Doozer taking Melissa to an abandon warehouse that he bought and can convert into “luxury apartments” for the local Eye-talians and also so Melissa can pretend she’s on the set of a horror movie and practice her acting.  If you didn’t see it, it’s just about as good as her singing/dancing combo.  She’s officially now a triple threat.  Triple threat, of course, meaning, high forehead, long face, annoying voice.  She is the guidette version of our own Tyra Banks.  I was rooting for you.  We were all rooting for you.  How dare you!?  I have never yelled at a girl like this before. However, the rest of the episode was all about Rosie being what Canadian’s call “a lesbian.”  I was shocked too.  There were many scenes with Kat’s Gonzo eyes tearing up talking about how growing up she always wondered if Rosie liked the ladies.  Perhaps it was her need to always open up the boxes when FedEx showed up?  Perhaps it was her bowl-cut she sported well into her 20’s?  Perhaps it was the way she would always throw away the hot dogs at a family BBQ?  One may never know.  Spoiler Alert:  It wasn’t any of those things I made up…although I think I’m onto something with the bowl-cut.  Either way, Rosie decides to tell Kat’s kids at the local pizza place that she needs to scissor and she needs to scissor badly.  On the regular, some would imply.  As she told her touching story to the kids they sat there with their faces blank and their mouths ajar.  So, to sum up, they had the same look on their faces as they did for all their school pictures growing up.  The daughter cried a bit and the son asked if Rosie had gaydar.  I’m assuming he wanted to see if she would beep if she went near Barney and/or Doozer.  Eh, let’s throw Melissa into the mix as well.  Regardless, it was a nice scene filled with tears, laughter, and an abundance of teeth.  I’m talking a lot of teeth. Like, years from now people are going to look back and think that everyone had teeth that big.  Like beavers.  Shout out to Rosie.

After the whole beaver incident, Bravo decides to teach us about comparing and contrasting and so we become focused on Caroline’s brother and his partner getting married at Pee Wee’s Playhouse in Chicago.  From beavers to ding-a-lings, Bravo’s got you covered.  By the way, they should use that as their tag line.  Free of charge, Bravo, free of charge.  That whole preparation for the wedding was boring, except when Teresa was there because she had no clue that everyone there  basically hated her.  Actually, I’m sure she did know and was just awkwardly laughing all the way to the bank.  Perhaps she’s on her way there to deposit a Trump check.  I’m rich, b*tch! I’m a little confused about this wedding because basically no one in Caroline’s family can make it and they made it seemed like it was a last minute thing.  I know these are both dudes so I’m pretty sure they can’t be pregnant, unless things are different in Chicago and men can shoot a fetus out of their bum-bums?  I’ll write a letter to Dr Nancy Snyderman and see what she says.  I hope she reads my letter on air.  Maybe they’ll ask me to Skype in my question.  Anypitocin, Caroline will be doing some form of a reading or speech at the wedding whilst wearing a giant hat and an Easter egg, I believe.  I don’t know, it was hard to follow.   All I know is that Barney Rubble took a few minutes to tell a story about when he was little he and his friend took out their dinks to see whose was bigger.  It’s ironic that Barney will be basically playing the same game with his cellmate by year end.  I’m sure they’ll also be playing, “Is it bigger than a bread box?”  The answer to that, by the way, is always “no.”  By the bus ride home, Caroline tells us that Barney pretty much has a drinking problem.  I was surprised she didn’t discuss his weight issue like she does our beloved Lauren.

Anyway, back to the most important person on this show…and our lives…Rosie!  The whole gang is at the Jersey Shore and Rosie shows up in a red Ferrari.  Obviously she’s trying to compensate for a small penis.  Duh.  Since Rosie has announced to the world that she likes boobies and gentlemen greeters, we’re now going to see her hit on anything that walks by.  She’s loving the waitresses at the party, but more importantly she’s loving the wife of that basketball player who looks all sweet and innocent, but once in the hot tub was see her rack hanging out with tattoos all over her stomach and I’m pretty sure I saw her making the scissors motion with her fingers.  As Joey Gladstone would say, “Cut, It, Out!”  And I’m sure after the cameras stopped rolling, they did.  Snip snip.  Me gusta all things Rosie, especially when everyone was trying to pose in the hot tub for the cameras and she just belly-flops in.  Bravo. Literally.  Seconds later the skanky wife is pushing her boobs in Rosie’s face and almost trying to kiss her for, you know, camera time.  Rosie bites her hand like a modern day Lenny and Squiggy because, at the end of the day, that’s what she is to me.  And I wouldn’t want her any other way.  Why Rosie doesn’t have a spin-off yet is beyond me.  I’ll start the letter writing, you bring the pen.

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  2. Lindsay says:

    “Pee Wee’s Playhouse in Chicago”… FOR. REAL. That brother seems bat-s^!t crazy, especially when he showed them that little doll in a cage that his partner made for him… Isn’t that sweet?………….. No, it’s effing crazy, that’s what. Just like those crepe paper flowers on everyone’s heads.

    Love love LOVE Rosie! She is totally the modern day Squiggy. Aside from her boys regular. I bet she wanted that tattooed ho’ bag to snip her a boys regular for her right in that hot tub. I hope she got the laser background for those pictures! This is exactly the occasion that she dropped that sparkly bindi down her tighty whiteys for!

  3. please add the screen cap of rosie biting her finger!!!! that hot tub scene was giving me life last night!!! she really does need a spinoff show…Rosie on the Bacherlor(ette)

  4. Brenda Walsh says:

    I am from Chicago, and Barrington is actually a pretty wealthy suburb-I’m surprised the neighbors tolerate that freak show gingerbread cottage.

    My mom happened to walk in whilst I was watching this and wanted to know what was wrong with the girl with “evil, scary eyes.” She was referring to Gia. She was also very concerned that Gia ate waffles with her hands and Milania just dumped her whole plate in the trash. I couldn’t even attempt to explain the Giudice kids to her.

  5. QueenofCorona says:

    How jello-ass was Melissa in the hot tub with another “hottie” (thats debatable) getting attention instead of her?

    I want you and Rosie to come to my wedding. I decided.

  6. saddest moment contest entries:

    “where are your luggages?” “up your ass” nice exchange in the guidice household.

    kim g telling tre she is the most together person she knows.

    tre defending homophobic joe.

  7. Pemerzian says:

    Where did Rosie get a Ferrari? Didn’t she say she lived with her Ma at their last soiree?

  8. Brenda Walsh says:

    ^The Ferrari belonged to Rich. Rosie drove it to the shore so he could drive it down there. I think Kathy said it was a surprise.

  9. Kim G reminded me of what LeAnn Rimes will probably look like in about 20 years – leather skin, fake blond hair and big nasty bolt ons.

  10. Oops, Kim D, not G.

  11. Dirty Darl says:

    I like how they zoomed in on zio joe’s dick while he was changing. Classy camera guys

  12. QueenofCorona says:

    How old is Caroline? She so old ladyish but then they showed her mom last night and I swear they look the same age.

    And Caroline has no room to talk. She looked bigger than Lauren last night. Maybe its her wobbly gullet that makes her look old. She needs a gobbler-ectomy.

  13. dacabsarehere says:

    You comparisons are amazing! Lol. Pee Wee’s playhouse and the Squiggy comment. Wonderfulness.

    I heard even though Rosie lives with her mom she actually has a really good job in like some sort of advertising but as someone said that was Richie’s car. Am I the only one who wants to join this family? I mean I legit love everyone of them and than Tre has to wonder why zio Joe doesn’t want to go to her house on the holidays, geez I don’t rather go to the Wakiles and I’m not even related.

    Also, how could you not mention Barney talking about that kids loose butthole? Priceless.

  14. SimplySarah says:

    “I tink we should go to terapy.”

  15. whatthefudge says:

    Drunk Kathy. Loved it!

  16. Janelle's Ugly Toes says:

    Kim D. is repulsive.
    Theresa is an idiot.
    Her poor daughters except for Milania who will most likely end up doing a Charro type act in Vegas one day.
    Why did anyone have to be TOLD Rosie was gay? Was anyone surprised?
    Joe Guidice is an asshole who I hope and pray goes to jail for at least a year simply because he thinks he can fake his way thru anything and everything..just like his wife.

  17. Rosie belly flopping into the hot tub…pure awesomeness. I love that woman more and more with each episode.

  18. Amber’s going to gel, y’all!

  19. Isaac's Giant Sneakers says:

    IBBB I love you. These 4 lines had me snorting. LOVE LOVE LOVE you!

    I’ve been worried sick about Lauren’s dieting

    Gia is the delicate oriental flower that she’s always been, but her voice is morphing into Large Marge. As it should. As. It. Should.

    Either way, Rosie decides to tell Kat’s kids at the local pizza place that she needs to scissor and she needs to scissor badly.

    Like, years from now people are going to look back and think that everyone had teeth that big. Like beavers.

  20. I don’t care what anyone says, my favorite this season is Juicy Joe. He’s the only one who never looks or sounds scripted. Least favorite, Mr. Wakilie. Where on God’s green earth does a guy take another guy outside and suggest he get counseling with his sister and he should text her right now about it? And when did Diva Gorga learn how to read and text? Every scene this season starts with a lead in sentence that only pod people would come up with. Go Juicy for mentioning relaxed anuses (sp? and a favorite topic to probably 90% of the people who read this blog) and the “gayest thing I ever did.” If I had a nickle…and Greg, the trouble maker. Tell me he went to the lobby in a fancy ass Chicago hotel in his bathrobe and just happened to find that magazine with an incriminating dog on the cover. The dog? They are upset about the puppy? That’s reaching very deep into the contrived plot line pouch. They are mad that Tre was holding a puppy, because….?

  21. I highly doubt Greg went and got it it. You know the producers were outside with it in their grubby little hands waiting to stir up drama.

    Also being old school Eyetalins wouldn’t Rosie live at home until married hence……. Plus her mom looks a bajjilion yrs old so maybe she lives there to help out not because of money. There are still people that take care of their elderly not ship them off to homes.

  22. I thought for sure your blog entry would be titled “And now, on a very special episode of RHONJ…” But the scissors thing was even better. Thanks for making me literally lol, and I’m so hlad I’m not alone in my Rosie ‘lovin.