When the hell is the last time this show has been on? I’ve been worried sick about Lauren’s dieting and if she’s finally in her “size 4.” I wasn’t aware that Hanes Husky ran that small and, yes, it’s going to be that kind of recap. Things start off pretty normal in this episode, meaning that Milania is declaring Jihad on the Guidice mansion and future Section 8 Housing and Foreclosure. She’s teeing off on Gia (z-snap) because she thinks she’s texting her boyfriend. I wonder if her boyfriend is Derrick? Huh, Derrick! It becomes obvious to me that Gia is simply using her phone to update her lyrics to her Milania song now that she is a year older. “First you were one, then you were two…now you are 6…and serving 25 to life with daddy.” Touching lyrics, obviously. Since Gia has the rage of Satan in her (a title previously held by Milania) she screams at the poor (soon enough) child and scares her out of the room. Gia is the delicate oriental flower that she’s always been, but her voice is morphing into Large Marge. As it should. As. It. Should.
If you’re wondering where we left off with the whole “Teresa and Joe” faux-fight, we’re still at the part where everyone is paid extra to say the popular catch-phrases: “I want to be brother and sister again” and “Let’s just move forward and be a family.” I think Tre-bagger and Doozer should just commence the boot knocking ceremony and call it a day. You’s sons-a-b*tches! Since Saul is the voice of reason (with not much else to contribute) he thinks Doozer should reach out to Tre and suggest that they go to therapy, which Doozer does…via text…with cameras up. I honestly find is shocking that Tre knows how to work the text messaging component of her phone. Although I’m sure it’s filled with just smiley face responses, especially the sidewards winky face and the ghetto heart you can make with the number three and the “less than” sign like so: <3 Regardless, Tre doesn’t think they need therapy and that Melissa should go with her husband instead. I think Melissa, Doozer, Tre, and Barney should all put on black jogging pants, purple Nike’s, drink some special Kool-Aid (in which Rosie would crash through the brick wall), and take a nice trip into outer space with that rest of the Italian cult. Who’s with me? No one? The hell with you then. To make things even smarter (or wicked smarter as some would say) Tre tells Jacqueline (who is still in this show for reasons I’m unaware of) that her brother wants her to go to physical therapy. I know it was just a slip of the tongue, but I think she should go to both regular therapy and physical therapy. Obviously the physical therapy will be because of her back pain due to the strain of her own hairline pulling her down towards the ground on the regular. Also, I’m sure Milania beats the bag out of her as well. Now you are six…Mil-aaaa-nia!
There’s a lot of other filler in this crapisode like Doozer taking Melissa to an abandon warehouse that he bought and can convert into “luxury apartments” for the local Eye-talians and also so Melissa can pretend she’s on the set of a horror movie and practice her acting. If you didn’t see it, it’s just about as good as her singing/dancing combo. She’s officially now a triple threat. Triple threat, of course, meaning, high forehead, long face, annoying voice. She is the guidette version of our own Tyra Banks. I was rooting for you. We were all rooting for you. How dare you!? I have never yelled at a girl like this before. However, the rest of the episode was all about Rosie being what Canadian’s call “a lesbian.” I was shocked too. There were many scenes with Kat’s Gonzo eyes tearing up talking about how growing up she always wondered if Rosie liked the ladies. Perhaps it was her need to always open up the boxes when FedEx showed up? Perhaps it was her bowl-cut she sported well into her 20′s? Perhaps it was the way she would always throw away the hot dogs at a family BBQ? One may never know. Spoiler Alert: It wasn’t any of those things I made up…although I think I’m onto something with the bowl-cut. Either way, Rosie decides to tell Kat’s kids at the local pizza place that she needs to scissor and she needs to scissor badly. On the regular, some would imply. As she told her touching story to the kids they sat there with their faces blank and their mouths ajar. So, to sum up, they had the same look on their faces as they did for all their school pictures growing up. The daughter cried a bit and the son asked if Rosie had gaydar. I’m assuming he wanted to see if she would beep if she went near Barney and/or Doozer. Eh, let’s throw Melissa into the mix as well. Regardless, it was a nice scene filled with tears, laughter, and an abundance of teeth. I’m talking a lot of teeth. Like, years from now people are going to look back and think that everyone had teeth that big. Like beavers. Shout out to Rosie.
After the whole beaver incident, Bravo decides to teach us about comparing and contrasting and so we become focused on Caroline’s brother and his partner getting married at Pee Wee’s Playhouse in Chicago. From beavers to ding-a-lings, Bravo’s got you covered. By the way, they should use that as their tag line. Free of charge, Bravo, free of charge. That whole preparation for the wedding was boring, except when Teresa was there because she had no clue that everyone there basically hated her. Actually, I’m sure she did know and was just awkwardly laughing all the way to the bank. Perhaps she’s on her way there to deposit a Trump check. I’m rich, b*tch! I’m a little confused about this wedding because basically no one in Caroline’s family can make it and they made it seemed like it was a last minute thing. I know these are both dudes so I’m pretty sure they can’t be pregnant, unless things are different in Chicago and men can shoot a fetus out of their bum-bums? I’ll write a letter to Dr Nancy Snyderman and see what she says. I hope she reads my letter on air. Maybe they’ll ask me to Skype in my question. Anypitocin, Caroline will be doing some form of a reading or speech at the wedding whilst wearing a giant hat and an Easter egg, I believe. I don’t know, it was hard to follow. All I know is that Barney Rubble took a few minutes to tell a story about when he was little he and his friend took out their dinks to see whose was bigger. It’s ironic that Barney will be basically playing the same game with his cellmate by year end. I’m sure they’ll also be playing, “Is it bigger than a bread box?” The answer to that, by the way, is always “no.” By the bus ride home, Caroline tells us that Barney pretty much has a drinking problem. I was surprised she didn’t discuss his weight issue like she does our beloved Lauren.
Anyway, back to the most important person on this show…and our lives…Rosie! The whole gang is at the Jersey Shore and Rosie shows up in a red Ferrari. Obviously she’s trying to compensate for a small penis. Duh. Since Rosie has announced to the world that she likes boobies and gentlemen greeters, we’re now going to see her hit on anything that walks by. She’s loving the waitresses at the party, but more importantly she’s loving the wife of that basketball player who looks all sweet and innocent, but once in the hot tub was see her rack hanging out with tattoos all over her stomach and I’m pretty sure I saw her making the scissors motion with her fingers. As Joey Gladstone would say, “Cut, It, Out!” And I’m sure after the cameras stopped rolling, they did. Snip snip. Me gusta all things Rosie, especially when everyone was trying to pose in the hot tub for the cameras and she just belly-flops in. Bravo. Literally. Seconds later the skanky wife is pushing her boobs in Rosie’s face and almost trying to kiss her for, you know, camera time. Rosie bites her hand like a modern day Lenny and Squiggy because, at the end of the day, that’s what she is to me. And I wouldn’t want her any other way. Why Rosie doesn’t have a spin-off yet is beyond me. I’ll start the letter writing, you bring the pen.