May
21

Real Housewives of New Jersey: I Miss Danielle

Posted by IBBB

Read More On: real housewives of new jersey

rhonj-gia-milania-dancing rhonj-teresa-bra-shopping rhonj-gia-pouting rhonj-gia-ugly-cry

There. I said it. What in the holy hell happened to this show? Remember when it used to consist of stereotypical Italians living in Jersey and flipping tables over prostitution whore books? Those were simpler and happier times. This time around we’re spending 60 minutes on everyones kids and 40 minutes of that is about Gia and her lack of rackage. I feel like I have to, by law, introduce myself to all my neighbors just from merely recapping this. I mean, I have to do it anyway so might as well knock on a few more doors. I’m kidding. I’m not a sexual predator. Was that not clear? Eh, either way. If anyone is wondering why Milania will end up serving 25-to-life, enter Barney Rubble. Tre-bagger and her husband are driving to the oddly positioned hairline factory and Barney is all in a midget-like huff over Tre’s brother and her family. He’s spitting and swearing and extending his Cee Lo Gree elf arms as he yells and calls Doozer a r*tard. Way to keep it PC while a camera is in your face. At one point he tells Tre to shut up and listen to him when he tells her to. Personally I think he should have told her to shut up and dance and then Bravo could have pencil-sketched in MC Skat Kat. Sometimes I think I dream even bigger than Oprah allows me to. Barney is totally going to be the gossipy b*tch in cell block C. I’m just hoping the other inmates will assume he’s just a child serving Juvie due to both his height and reading level. #SmokingStuntsYourGrowth.

And it wouldn’t be a regular episode if one of Lauren’s parents weren’t making Lauren feel like her obesity is the worst thing that’s ever happened to The America and, you know what, it kind of is. Albert is at the driving range with Lauren and basically saying that she’s built like a man and most likely is sprouting a penis with each cheeseburger she shovels on in her facia bruta. Truth be told, I like Lauren and I don’t think she’s really that big. I think she just has a large head and knockers that won’t quit. I mean, they won’t try either. Lauren should totally get that gastric bypass surgery and then come find me in NYC and kick my ass. I deserve it. What I don’t deserve is having to listen to Caroline telling a story of Albie taking Lauren to her Prom because no one else would ask her. I’m sure they edited out the part where she tears up when Lauren gives birth to Albie’s baby in the bathroom and then makes it back to the dance floor in time to finish up the last part of the Electric Slide.

Later, when Teresa and the girls are all dressed like the Fly Girls, Gia (z-snap) decides that now is the time to bring up the “fact” on camera that her ten year old body is sprouting breasts and therefore she needs a bra. I think that makes sense. Teresa is busy feeling up her daughter to see if she really does need a bra but claims she can’t feel anything. It’s such a rookie mistake, actually. Everyone knows, thanks to that episode of Who’s the Boss when Sam needed her first bra, the way to test for that is by catching a football. If it hurts, you’re ready. If it hurts it also means your housekeeper father will be buying you a training bra without a little flower in the middle of it because, lets face it, he doesn’t know you at all. Luckily the lady of the house, who is an Ad Exec on Madison Avenue, will be there to save the day and get you the bra you’ve always wanted. Please note that this same lady may open the door in a pink bathrobe with a white towel on her head and your lives will forever be changed. Where was I? Oh yeah, during all this bra and period talk (that should come with a warning and/or disclaimer) we get to see Gia perform a nice dance while Milania shakes her butt and pushes the littlest Guidice to the ground in one karate chop motion. I’m in the process of a letter writing campaign that will require, by law, Milania to wear a helmet cam at all times. She’ll be like a modern day coal miner but, you know, with all her teeth. Obviously.

Since not much else is going on (and Rosie is nowhere to be found) Teresa brings Gia to get her very first bra. I have to admit this scene is probably the only one that was real this entire season. Tre-bagger is killing herself laughing the whole time, probably because she’s realizing how ridic this whole thing is. Although something inside of me is suggesting that this is all a set up so that Tre can get Gia her own Bravo spin-off called, “Don’t Be Tardy for Your Period.” If anyone should be taking Gia bra shopping it should Barney. He’s clearly a D and has the most experience. Plus, whilst incarcerated Barney will be forced into countless wet t-shirt contests where he’ll win pack of gum and condoms so he can make balloon animals for his bunkmate/boyfriend. To sum up, he’s going to be busy.

While all of this is going on (and LC is interning in Paris) a Family Field Day is about to take place over at Jacqueline’s house. It’s basically like any Brady Bunch episode where they had to have a potato sack race to see who got phone privileges. It was also the way to settle who was going to give Sam the Butcher a “handy” when Alice was too tired. It was in the E! True Hollywood Story, I believe. Everyone is having a good old time at the Field Day except for Gia who is throwing an actual fit because Zio Joe is cheating and Gia “hates cheaters.” Ironically though she doesn’t hate her father. Gia shouldn’t cry so much during these competitions because her braces are going to rust. It’s a real thing. Everyone is laughing and getting along because (1) they’re probably all drunk and (2) they’re probably hypnotized by Melissa’s vagiola that’s hanging out of her short shorts. Lauren looks pissed, yet hungry. Something to think about. It was, however, after the three-legged race that Gia has her final meltdown of the crapisode. Gia starts screaming and crying and finally goes and pouts inside the house. She starts getting mouthy to Jacqueline and Caroline and tells Jacqueline to leave and go outside if she doesn’t like Gia sitting there upset. Where’s the wooden spoon and bar of soap when you need it? Since Caroline doesn’t have much else going on she decides to give Gia a little lecture all while Jacqueline brings out a book to read to Gia about sore losers. She should have read her “The Little Engine That Couldn’t Wear a Bra.” That would have helped her more. Gia is screaming that she wants “Mom” and no one will go and get her. I think she’s technically being kidnapped but I can’t be absolutely sure at this point. Once Teresa finally arrives in the house she’s there to comfort Gia whose only defense is “who reads a book!?” It’s nice to hear the Guidice family motto. Although I thought everyone read a book…especially when it’s a page-turning cook book?

In the end I actually felt bad for Gia, partially because we had to listen to her talk about her bra and partially because she was doing the ugly cry during the last 20 minutes…and it was filmed…and aired…all across the world. It would be like when you and your sibling were little and were invited to a wedding and you would spend the whole time screaming and making dumb faces into the camera…and then it was aired…internationally. Either way, ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it!

39 Comments

Craptastic Thoughts from IBBB Readers!

SZ Said,
‘do rag overload in this one. FYI – one ‘do rag is one too many, Jersey
Lora Said,
These people sure do freak out over books! Cop w/o a Badge, various cookbooks, now this…

Looks like next week will be “A Very Special” episode with Rosie. I think the producers are making these shows especially for you at this point.
QueenofCorona Said,
The entire Guidice family needs the cray cray smacked out of them. I finally figured out who Gia’s scary eyes remind me of: Mortianna from Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves. I love how Joe G always is talking about dropping a deuce. You know he was crop dusting T the entire chat in their bedroom.

I don’t want to see Rosie (Mark Cuban) cry next week. I want to give her a big bear hug and buy her a NBA team.
Brenda Walsh Said,
I am wondering how this show can possibly continue since none of these women have any contact with Theresa anymore. Will it go the way of RH of NYC and get a cast reboot?

While the field day was an all-around show of bad parenting (Caroline letting people openly mock her daughter’s weight is a glaring example), Theresa pointing out that Ashley was a hot mess due to Jacqueline was cold. Cold. Especially since her kids aren’t old enough to be slutty and whatnot yet. In a few years she’ll be eating her words!
Brenda Walsh Said,
Also, the fact that Joe and Milania were absent from Field Day was a travesty. I would have loved to see Joe attempt athletics and teamwork, as well as Milania go HAM on the other kids.

Also, was one of the kids nicknamed Dinky Ham or something ridiculous?
Tampons are for sluts Said,
My very favorite part of the episode was when Teresa said her mother taught her that virgins shouldn’t wear tampons because it’s too much like sex. Gold Jerry, gold!
giacomo Said,
It seems clear that Barney knows he’s going to do lots of time. That is, even this baboon must realize that calling everyone in your family a stoopid, fucking idiot – on camera – is not smart if you ever plan on living in society. Thank God, though, that Tre and Barn ‘hardly ever fight’. OK, when they do, he tells her he’ll happily do dump her in the Hudson, but those moments are RARE.
Yes, the series is losing any oomph because, this early, the Tre/bro/cookbook crisis is played to the max. Bravo thinks that Dina will add fire, via Caroline’s snorting fits over the buddy crap with Tre. But it’s more of the same. YES, I WANT DANIELLE BACK.
giacomo Said,
PS In my dreams, Gia gets the part in ‘Tooth Fairy’ she auditioned for 2 seasons ago. Milania becomes her agent and feeds her pills.
carrie Said,
F all of this. Can we just please discuss the fact that Rosie was on WWHL. I never watch that show but it was amazing! Like that little fella Andy Cohen knew that we would all be suffering from Rosie withdrawl. Bonus: “Rosie o” was tweeting live of her love of our beloved Rosie. It is the circle of life!
carrie Said,
P.S. I will now only refer to the Joe Gudice by the prison nickname I made up for him: “Joey G-String”.

Lets get tshirts made! Ole!
Penelope Said,
This week in I Hate Caroline Manzo, I want to shove her in front of a speeding cross-town bus. Hate. the. bitch.

Oh, and Caroline? You do know that Albie’s gay, right?

Melissa, I am making bread to with dinner tonight. Can I have some of the yeast you must have created in those cooterfunk shorts you were wearing at Field Day?
Cara Said,
Loved when Tre blamed Joe’s outburst on he being a Gemini! Words of wisdom. She has an excuse for everything!
sue Said,
I wish Teresa would draw the line with Bravo, what is wrong with her??? When Gia acts out like that and it is caught on film, Teresa should consider that a teachable moment and speak to her privately about how to handle her anger in a constructive way, and DEMAND that Bravo edit the tape to omit the parts where Gia is acting in a way that is not showing her in a positive light. She deserves to be protected by her mother, and unflattering behavior should be private. What the HELL. (i am not forgetting here that Teresa has absolutely no idea how to handle anger in any way but stupidly, but, ah, c’est la guerre, right?). And Caroline???? Don’t even get me started on her. Last season she was HORRIFIED that Teresa allowed Gia to sing a song about her Uncle Joe during which Gia became so emotional that she cried. Caroline ripped Teresa a new one over that one because she hadn’t protected Gia’s feelings and that it was seen on national TV. Okay, Caroline. So go and deliberately torment that same kid ON NATIONAL TV and then become amazingly indignant when you are called out over it. Oh, and while you’re at it, please make sure you point out that your beautiful daughter Lauren is “ALBERT IN A DRESS” and say how sorry you feel for her and how she has a good personality but “hey, she’s got a belly”. And how she didn’t have a date for the prom. And make sure that your family joins in and also make sure the rest of the entire cast constantly discussed her weight with her. Oh, and don’t forget the boyfriend, too. He’s fat, we can’t forget THAT. I especially enjoyed two moments: When Lauren told Caroline that her hair looked bad (which it did) so instead of combing her hair, Caroline immediately blamed Lauren’s diet and pointed out how cranky it makes Lauren. The other moment was when Christopher was talking about how great he thinks Kathy is and how she reminds him so much of his mother “except with less testosterone”. BEST LINE EVER.

Gotta tell ya, i love this show so much, but some of the characters are kinda easy to hate!!!
MilaniaForPresident Said,
We get it. Lauren’s fat. Why do they insist on making it a major part of the storyline. How embarrassing. Poor girl. Honestly, who even cares? Eat more sausages and provolone, Lauren! You and Vito should go on with your big, bad selves! This episode needed more Milania and Rosie. Enough said.
Not Goggles Said,
Cee-Lo Green elf arms.. GOLD
Mary Said,
The show is tanking because everyone is so caught up in having “relavanceses,” which is kind of like ingredienceses because they are all trying to make their story spicy enough for camera time. All except Juicy. I actually like him more now than I did before because he flat out admits it’s all moronic crap and he doesn’t even want to discuss it. Although, had he told me to shut up and listen I’d have kicked him in the balls – lovingly, of course.

If they really wanted ratings, I think a Juicy Joe/Rosie arm wrestling match or possibly some wrestling in those cute wrestling uniforms and half-helmets with Hannibal Lecter teeth guards would do it for me. I haven’t decided who to bet on yet. Could go either way. Isn’t she like 7 feet tall, which would give her the edge over Juicy?
giacomo Said,
I also think Red Lobster ads, IHOP ads, etc., should take a page from Bravo, Show food, then CUT TO LAUREN’S MISERABLY FACE. Then, end each ad with, ‘SHE can’t have any, but you can.’
dacabsarehere Said,
I’m devastated by the fact that Joe was not the one taking Gia to buy her first bra. “C’mon, Gia, just frickin’ pick one out already, ok? Hurry the frick’ up, I’m serious, I’m gonna leave your ass here, if you don’t frickin’ hurry the frick’ up already, geez!” bahahahahahahahaha. Totally known where little Milania gets that chipper, lovable ‘tude we all adore. They should film a daddy/daughter work day, of course Joe would have to find stable work first, but after that those two should totally have a day out and about.

Lauren is not obese, for pete’s sake she said she was a size 8, I know girls sporting a size 12, who like you said, have a smaller head and rack and therefore look smaller than her. She just needs some lypo on those cheeks and she’d be finnnne. Besides who cares about prom, shes a freaking adult now and shes with Vito, she appeared happy with that situation, why do they keep bothering the poor girl. I’m so sick of hearing about how handsome Albie is all the time, the family acts like without good looks you can’t make it in life, who knew “makin’ it in life” meant living in Hoboken with your brother, a gay guy and miniature dog dressed in pink. Yeah, hes living the lawyer dream, o wait I forgot he got booted out of law school, now that’s something to be mad about, not the ring ding hanging out of Lauren’s mouth.
Step off. Caroline needs to “fix her face” Nene-style and not be worried about Laurens bulging head.
dacabsarehere Said,
p.s. fuck you comment filter. yup, i went there. :X
Unattended Said,
Where’s Miss Reader?
funkster166 Said,
If that was my kid acting like a total spoiled brat..I would have taken her out of that by her hair and bitch slapped her braced of.
I did like the part when Gia told Joe HE needed a bra priceless!

Am I the only one here that doesn’t think Lauren is that fat? Chubby maybe for her height..but so what. Eat a donut honey, I rather be fat then drink those nasty shakes .
julz Said,
Could it get worse than your brother taking you to the prom? Oh, yeah, your mom could, years later, tell the world. What a piece of work!
giacomo Said,
In the cards: Tre will leave Barney because her chimp mind will finally accept that she doesn’t need to pay off his 10 mill in mob debt, and because the Bravo spin-off she will get is too attractive. She will mouth phrases like, ‘I needed to move on’, and ‘people grow’. She will reconnect to Joe and Mel because it will help her show, and she will blame the old problems, not on her twisted feelings for Joe and hatred of his wife, but on Barney. She will seek to Bethanny her monkey existence, then crash like Kim Z will when Kroy discovers how inexpensive blow-up dolls are in 2 months.
PS Vito is fat. Why is that OK?
Ibbb4eva Said,
Was it me or did Gia change like 3 times on field day and always have a different hair style?

Also great parenting by Teresa letting this all air on tv – I’m sure having this all be public really helps those kids at school
Scooby Said,
I feel bad for Lauren…WHY does everyone keep talking about how “she can never live up to her brothers?” What is it they do with themselves beside trying to hawk doo-doo water and holding stripper car washes?

And BTW, Christopher is NOT attractive and has packed on some pounds himself. There, I said it.
Sara Said,
my heart stopped when you were comparing gia’s first bra experience to that of samantha micelli. you are a genius Patick!!
Hachet Face Said,
@Scooby – I totally agree. They’ve done nothing since failing law school and quitting the Brownstone.

I’m actually surprised they’re not angling for their own Bravo spinoff, Bachelor-style about dating/single life in their shitty Hoboken apartment with Greggy and that hideous dog. Although, if they ever brought home a girl to Mama Manzo, she’d probably just give them all that look like she just smelled one of Juicy Joe’s salami farts, so there’s that.
Justlikehoneybooboo Said,
@Hatchet Face, I read online a while back the Manzo brothers were going to get their own reality show documenting their incredibly interesting lives living in Hoboken. I’m assuming it fell through when Bravo realized what a snoozefest it was going to be.
Bricks...that is all Said,
@hatchet – I’m sure that’s exactly what they are doing, it just hasn’t worked yet. Maybe they can team up with Snookie and the other hobag in Jersey City and they can all intern with the Cake Boss! Real World: Neeeeewwwwww Jersey! I say it like that cuz obvs they will need to bring in some southern conservative country bumpkin to straighten these jackholes out. I’d like to suggest Emily Maynard of the bachelorette…. Or Goggles and Not Goggles, MTV can fill them in on the Tea Party. Either way.
Anonymous Said,
whats crazy is if you read teresa’s blog on bravo everybody’s comments are like – oh Teresa – you are such a good mother – what were caroline and jacqueline doing??

after the previews for next week how does rosie not have her own show by now – it looks way more entertaining then this. maybe all jersey reality shows have a great first season then nothing.
Claire Said,
Penelope……your name for Melissa’s shorts killed me….cooterfunk?? That’s awesome!
Odette Said,
Seriously what the FUCK is wrong Caroline talking about her daughter like she’s worthless b/c she has an extra 30 lbs on her?! She said Lauren is “Albert in a dress”!! I mean, I can’t…

When Teresa was giggling the whole time in the bra shop I was embarrassed for her… your 10 year old actually cares about this and all you can do is make fun of her and say repeatedly “there’s nothing there!” … what a biotch

Maybe I’m old school but I didn’t find a single thing wrong with Caroline and Jacklyn trying to discipline Gia – what the hell’s wrong with telling a kid they’re overreacting? And Teresa’s response was just par for the course – stooooopid

How did you not mention when Gia told her dipshit dad that he was the one who needed the bra! I lol’d thinking of how that comment would entertain you IBBB.
giacomo Said,
I love this. See, with Caroline…that IS how most ital mothers talk. Yeah, it’s not loving or nurturing. No, it’s not PC or caring. But it’s actually real. Kind of an Italian mom/daughter duel that never ends. It’s not a big deal. Meanwhile, everyone is so busy thinking C’s a suck mom, while that psycho chimp is literally destroying the (tiny) brains of her daughters, every day, with idiot lies about their lame gangster dad, press releases, poison(!) about their uncle and his wife, who are stupid but not evil, etc.
I should add that my sympathy for Lauren is waning. C’mon. She’s young, they’ve got a freaking gym in the house, and all she needs to do is expend the whining energy there to get really skinny.
Janelle's Ugly Toes Said,
Here is the one place I can say what I am thinking…Gia gets more disturbing looking every episode and her forehead is starting to disappear just like her mothers. There I said it…sue me… I insulted a kid.

The family laughing at Gia had to help her self esteem especially in front of america…what a great Dad Joe Guidice is….if only all men were like him….he should be put up for husband / father of the year…as soon as he gets out of “going away”. I was very happy when Gia told him he needed a bra.

This show is going to hell and it amazes me how many people are actually fighting over who’s side to be on …the website Reality Tea has over 1,000 comments and women who have been fighting for two days over this subject. LOL
Janelle's Ugly Toes Said,
I’m sure they edited out the part where she tears up when Lauren gives birth to Albie’s baby in the bathroom and then makes it back to the dance floor in time to finish up the last part of the Electric Slide.

I AM GASPING FOR AIR LAUGHING……you are a genius!
Odette Said,
Its one thing to tell your daughter in private that she can afford to drop a few lbs… my family does the same shit and its no big deal, but none of them would say it to a CAMERA, over and over in 50 different ways, that filters to a national audience. I hope Caroline gets reamed for this during the reunion… which will take the heat off Teresa for a whole 2 minutes
giacomo Said,
Point taken, Odette. And we all know that all of this is garbage, anyway. I was mostly objecting to the anti-Manzo stuff because…well, given the cast, the Manzos appear to be the only ones who would not get asked to leave at a normal social event. Yeah, Caroline should lay off in front of the camera, sure. I just can get past this attempting to pass off the Guidice nighmare tribe as actual human beings. That Tre sells books..it makes Kim Kardash seem like Madame Curie. Or at least somebody who’s done something.
DebbieS. Said,
Lordy, Andy Cohen needs to bring back Magical Elves if he wants to save “Housewives”. Even the intros are weird. I don’t know. It used to be compelling, now it’s just…stupid. And I never thought I would feel like that.
MelissasHooHaa Said,
Albie is so good looking, Lauren? Ugh. Dear God in heaven…awwww hell no.