May
16

16 & Pregnant Recap: If Kelly Clarkson Had Lost American Idol

Posted by IBBB

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Hey y’all! Turn on the Closed Captioning because it’s time for another crapisode of “I’s Thoughts Condoms Were For Catchin Fireflies.” And this time we’re down south again so good luck trying to piece together what in the holy hell anyone is saying. This time around we get to meet Sarah. She’s 16 years old and as a twist, she’s pregnant. I know. I was caught off guard too. Sarah lives in what I can only assume is pronounced “Chicken Sh*t” Georgia and she looks how Kelly Clarkson would look had she not won Season One of American Idol. Moreover, Sarah was planning on going to college if there wasn’t a human ready to burst out of her body and she was even going to one day be a journalist. In Chicken Sh*t, GA, “being a journalist” is interchangeable with “being featured on an episode of COPS.” Same/same.

Sarah landed herself a pale Ging who is quite the catch (re-read the first part) and also he dropped out of high school so he could focus more time on playing video games and working on a boats a couple of hours a week. But, ladies, before you brush by his personal ad, you have to know he has big dreams of working on a shrimp boat. Even more importantly, I’m pretty sure he used the Flowbee on his hair so that he can perfect the helmet with earmuffs look that is all the rage on the runways of Milan. #FashionForward. His name is Blake but I’m almost certain it’s pronounced “Blank” because that’s the look he gives on the regular. The silver lining in all of this is that even though he doesn’t go to school he and Sarah found out they’re having a baby girl and plan on naming her Tit-Leaves. At least that’s pretty much what I thought they’ve been saying this whole time. I think it’s sweet. It has a nice ring to it. It really says, “You can put your face in them, but can’t touch them unless we go back to the private room and you leave your credit card with the bouncer.” I think it’s Latin. Either way, good for her. I have no idea.

Another unsung hero this episode is Sarah’s mother Tina. She is everything you could ever want and less. She spends most of her time working out her neck rolls and sitting on plastic chairs scattered all over the front lawn and other random areas of the property. However, the winner of this entire episode is the house itself. I know I’ve said this in the past, but this house is really like a typical house on Hoarders. There is sh*t everywhere. I can honestly say that I really wasn’t paying attention to what was going on in this episode because I just kept looking in the background of every single scene. And I’m not kidding. Plus, it’s not like I could understand a word anyone was saying. Even the sub-titles they used when Blank would talk basically had question marks after most of the words. Anyjunk, there was crap everywhere. Everywhere. The kitchen should have been condemned. The “hutch” in the “dining room” was stacked with tea cups, receipts, and a few curling irons..as any good hutch would. Everything in every room in the house was just basically stacked like a white trash game of Topple and, spoiler alert, I loved that game growing up. I started making a list of random stuff I saw in the background throughout this show. At one point Sarah and her friend were sitting outside drinking something (bleach, probably) and I saw a wooden ducks, a Christmas wreath, a can of Raid, and an “old-timey” high-chair (most likely painted with the fanciest lead paint 1972 can buy!) Later as Sarah and her mom are chatting outside I spotted a giant bottle of Dr. Pepper on a table, a 6 pack of sidewalk chalk, a Spongebob radio, and a half set-up game of Mousetrap. This has turned into “Antiques Roadshow” for “the poors.” It’s like, “Your ceramic bear climbing the tree would have been worth more if you didn’t put cigarettes out in its nose.” Common mistake.

Beyond the fact her entire neighborhood looks like the aftermath of a nasty tornado in the Bible Belt, Sarah has some problems on her hands. Her boyfriend, Blank, and her mom barely get a long. I think it’s a communication issue…meaning they both can’t understand what the F the other one is saying. Tina thinks that Blank should be giving Sarah $10 per week from his paycheck so she can buy diapers. It’s then that I realized that I no longer had any right being pissed off when my Stella is never on the happy hour menu. This show is sobering. Luckily the shots of vodka that I’m doing just to get through this is reversing that sobering effect. Blank is a real piece of work because he won’t go to Sarah’s aunt’s house to pick up the crib they’re getting for free and set it up. Tina, on the other hand, is being your regular enabler by letting Blank live with them because is mother is most likely boiling meth in her crotch and selling it at a carnival. Allegedly. To make things worse, Tina still does Sarah’s hair and makeup for her every single day. She’s basically the one at fault for Sarah getting pregnant. I mean, she probably even shaved her “gentlemen greeter” and then instructed Sarah, “Don’t you show this to no one, ya hear?” That’s probably for her daddy anyway. I’m kidding. He’s nowhere to be found.

We learn that Sarah doesn’t like it when the doctor shoves her hand up her vagiola to make sure a baby is still in there (?) because she squeals each time…but not with delight. She must have been a real treat during the conceiving of Tit-Leaves. Tina takes a different car than Blank and Sarah because she hates him. They fight the whole car ride there and back and Blank might be saying he’s going to go work on a shrimp boat or he could be reciting the last versus of “Michael Michael Motorcycle.” To be honest, we’ll never know. We’d need to hire forensics to help figure this out and, well, I don’t have that kind of money. All I know is that Blank has a dress-shirt on a hanger hanging in his back seat. Where would he be going where he would need a collar and buttons? Perhaps people of the south attend funerals for sport? Later after another fight, Sarah calls her mom to let her know that Blank is threatening to move out of the house. Suddenly they show up back at the house and Tina is sitting out there on her plastic chair in plain old squalor. I have no idea where she was. I think she was sitting in front of the house, but it could have been the garage. Honestly, it’s hard to tell the difference when rusted out trucks and cars are abandon in both places. It’s like that episode of Intervention where the lady would sit on a metal folding chair in her garage and just pop pills all day. Ahhh those were simpler times. Blank storms off in a pale huff and shows up two days later with a bag of chips and a card for Sarah to say “sorry.” He claims the chips are his version of flowers and if I read it correctly in the sub-titles he called them “tater chips.” So these people really do exist, huh? Interesting. I think those parts of the country should have their own President, which of course would end up being Mayor McCheese. But that obviously goes without saying.

Everything else was dumb in this episode, per usual. Sarah tried everything to induce labor which included normal things like sex with a donkey and drinking antifreeze. Something must have worked because later she went into labor…but ended up having to go with the C-section. I mean, I’m not a doctor, but I’m guessing a C-section means they cut you at your “C?” You knew I would eventually go there. The baby was healthy and we got to watch the whole things as a Polaroid sequence, which is just as terrible as it sounds. The baby cries all night and Blank is dumb so he has no clue what to do. He got a job at night working at a grocery store so he sleeps all day and barely helps out. That’s surprising because he was really a giant bottle of piss and vinegar prior to the baby being born. After yet another fight, Blank decides to peace out and move an hour away so he could work on that beloved shrimp boat and really start living the American Dream. Sarah is obviously pissed and her mother makes sure to tell her over and over again that he left her. That’s sweet. Once Blank finally calls Sarah she tells him that she hopes he falls overboard. She shouldn’t wish for things like that because if he dies who’s going to give her $10 per week for diapers? I mean, that kind of money isn’t easy to come by.

Want to give me $10 per week? Well then join me on my Facebook page and let’s cut a deal. And don’t forget to click the “Recommend/Like” button on this blog post. Maybe if I get 300 Likes I’ll recap the final season of Teen Mom that starts on June 12th. See what I did there?

More 16 & Pregnant Recap:
Is There a Baby on My Stomach?!
When House Hunters Meets Hoarders Meets Amber and Gary’s Summer Cottage
Long Live Davy Jones!
Drop Dead Fred Fathers a Child
Dora and the Cage Fighting “Model”
The One with Selena’s Killer
Mackenzie and that Damn Rodeo

76 Comments

Craptastic Thoughts from IBBB Readers!

IBBB Said,
Like this recap? Well then join me on my Facebook page and let’s get to talking!

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Ole!

-IBBB
QueenofCorona Said,
Sarah’s looked like the rebellious lady of the night version of Mrs Duggar.

You could tell Sarah was pregnant in the swimsuit with her udders (top breasteses resting over her bottom tatas)

Blake and his Powder like albino eyelashes was a crazy mix of the wrong side of the tracks Prince Harry with a whole lot of Shaggy Doo.

And if a already opened half eaten bag of tater chips is flowers in the South, would a dear carcass be an engagement ring? Things that make you go hmmmm.
QueenofCorona Said,
*Sarah’s MOM looked like the rebellious lady of the night version of Mrs Duggar. I pulled a Blake there and left out my words. Kind of like Blake left his behbeh.
OhGod Said,
This is seriously the best recap ever. Since I have to go look on the Internet to find those crapisodes because here in Italy we are 230 seasons behind, I decide which one I’ll watch based on your recaps. I totally skipped Hope last week, but I’m going to watch this for sure so I can make a list of the crap in the background and enjoy myself just like you did. Thank you Patrick.
IBBB Said,
Sweet! Looks like IBBB is now international. I assumed that used to just mean “Canada” but I think Italy counts as well.

Also, I totally forgot to mention the bikini and that fact that her friend couldn’t stop looking at her rack the whole time.

-IBBB
donna Said,
anybody notice the cartoon shrimp boat?it was called the jenny.forrest gump for the win.
alwayssunny Said,
in 4 seasons all 16 and pregnant has taught me is that there are clearly parts of this country where education is optional. i already knew not to get knocked up because i’m not stupid. speaking of stupid, when i saw the new trailer for teen mom i got a huge grin on my face watching ryan call maci stupid. i’m so jealous of him, i want to tell maci she’s stupid!
donna Said,
also,there were 2 episodes.please make our day and do the second episode
Me Said,
Somebody should have explained to Sara what “protection” meant. I’m almost certain Sara was under the impression that if she slept with Blank, the only protection she needed was a pair of sunglasses and SPF 50. I mean, I got a small sunburn just from looking directly at his hair on tv. Never stare at the sun.
The Poors Said,
I thought the house and “porch” area looked like they were preparing for a perpetual yard sale. Instead of going to the aunt’s house to pick up a baby bed for Tingly, I’m sure they would have been able to find one amongst the heaps in the home. They already had a fully assembled exersaucer prior to the birth.
donna Said,
i wish they had told the story of how those two supposedly ran away while sarah was pregnant.now,that would have been a story.also,in the preview for teen mom,farrahs dad michael was crying.it was so sad.plus,bentley repeats,hell no,when maci says it.
Felicity Said,
I was drifting in and out of sleep for this episode, but I did have one coherent thought. When Blank and his friend go to “have some fun”, they’re basically sitting in the woods next to a pick-up truck and a dirty creek. First, how is that fun? Second, how do you end up there? How is that plan made? “Hey, do you want to go sit in the forest today?”. The deep south is so weird.
Joe's Rap Career Said,
Awesome recap, and funny comments too! Did anyone notice how grotesquely long Blank’s fingernails were?? Yikes. There were so many weird things about this episode but IBBB hit them all as usual! Remind me to never venture to the deep south…not that PA is much better…
SZ Said,
I was really confused about the flowers/tater chips situation. Maybe because I was distracted by the sofa they were sitting on covered with an old bed sheet. Outside. One the front lawn.

Everytime the ’shreeump’ boat topic came up, all I could think about was Forrest Gump. Fried shrimp, shrimp cocktail, shrimp scampi, shrimp fritters…..

And the shrimp boat “captain” was fileting a fish, no shrimp in sight. At least he had some excellent words of wisdom for Blank.

Also, clear eyelashes freak me out.
Brenda Walsh Said,
This episode was such a mess. I also enjoyed looking at all the crap scattered around the house. For some reason her mom really liked “old-timey” furniture. She had lacy doily-like tablecloths, weird rocking chairs, floral ceramic centerpieces, etc. It was so odd! It looked like grandma’s living room.

Also, please recap the second episode (Sabrina). I am pretty sure her baby daddy was Kris Humphries. And she had the most annoying lisp/accent thing going on (reminded me of Rosie Pope from that god-awful Bravo show Pregnant in Heels). And her mom was a real treat too!
Wednesdaystreat Said,
First, I am deeply disappointed that there are not TWO recaps. Second, I really think the title of this one should have been, “Forrest Gump Meets Sanford and Son.” I too enjoyed an entire hour of playing I Spy in every scene. Wow.

QueenofCorona is SO right about Sarah’s mom being the rebellious Mrs. Duggar! SPOT ON! Expect, I think Billy Bob, or whatever Mr. Duggar’s name is would kick the albino’s ass for calling his daughter bad names–maybe.

Tinleigh. WTF? I mean, REALLY WTF?

The 10 bucks a week was the icing on the cake. When my husband heard that Blank was expected to save back 10 bucks a week for diapers, he asked, “How many years til the baby comes?”
IBBB Said,
Haha I love all the comments. We are all sick son of a….

I wish I could have recapped the second episode but I used that time to pray I could wipe away the memories of this entire season. Also, sadly I’m not sure people know how long it takes me to write just one of these…I mean comedy gold isn’t as easy as it sounds. Luckily, most of my stuff craps the bad and is “sans gold” so it really doesn’t take that long. Insert sidewards winky face here ________

See You in Hell,
IBBB
donna Said,
i loved the naivete.10 a week?that might get you 5 diapers..
kim Said,
im so sad you didnt recap the second one, her boyfriend was definitely kris humphries
Wednesdaystreat Said,
My biggest disappointment in not having a recap of the second one was that even Habib the Taxi Driver got his 15 min……
Scooby Said,
Aaannndd the horrible baby names are back! What I didn’t get was WHY the Albino Ginger was so intent on going to work on his shrimp boat if he wasn’t even giving her any money?

The closed captioning comment made me laugh…I legit have to put it on every week (unless they’re “urban” like the Selena’s Killer episode, and then, their accents are near and dear to my New York heart.)

$10 a week = monthly rent at “the poors’”

PS: There were TWO episodes? Must go back and DVR the re-run!
40 & not pregnant Said,
Where to start? So much win in this one.

1) We saw that mom put on Sarah’s makeup but did no one remove it for her at night? At least mom could have put on some ProActiv twice a day…

2) Blakes’ to do list was gold. One said “wash Tin’s car seat”- hoping that doesn’t mean it was used. The last bullet point on the list? “Stop being an ass!” I crap you not. When you need to reiterate that point on paper, you might not want to procreate with this gem.

3) I’m sorry but I have never seen anyone wince like that while getting an exam and I watch A Baby Story religiously and have 3 kids. Yes, it’s uncomfortable but if that’s how she took to an exam (tears), I can’t imagine what a treat she was in labor.

4) Nothing says love like Lay’s Sour Cream & Onion chips but really Blake? You couldn’t even give her a whole bag? I wouldn’t have forgiven him just for that.

5) To be nice though, Tinleigh was a cute little baby. Sarah was likeable enough too. I actually laughed a little when she was bathing her and play yelling back at her crying “I know exactly how you feel!” I had days like that.

6) Almost hoping they get picked for Teen Mom 3? Can’t get enough of ginger daddy and hoarders clashing some more.
donna Said,
tinleigh.yuck,this kid is gonna hate her mom for that alone.
Matt's Forehead Sweat Said,
I could not stop staring at Sarah’s shoulder lesions, there was actually one that looked like a damn goiter! I also couldn’t stop staring at that 2 liter of Dr. Pepper that was behind her on their front(?) porch! WTF?

Tit Leaves? Genius!!!
Am&a Said,
Oh IBBB – how you read my mind and put my thoughts into the funniest quips ever is beyond me, but I adore it! Hence why I started to watch 16&ignorant. . .I mean prego. . .srsly just to see what you had to say abt it. Anyways, I legit thought that Blank and Kelly Clarksons 16year old knocked up doppelganger were having a boy named TIMMY the entire show. Once they showed the photo of the baby w a purple bow made out of shoe strings on her head, I was completely confused. I was even more confused when they flashed her name on the screen. . .do you think if they had a boy they wouldve named it Bintley and spelled it that way??
Little Suzy Said,
Patrick, you are the Truman Capote of our generation.
Dee Said,
I agree… I thought I was watching the female version of Sanford and Son meets Bubba Gump. That place made a train wreck look like summer vacation.
Great recap, my friend.
As always, far more entertaining than the actual “train wreck” itself.
Dee Said,
oh and for the second episode… yes, the caption “Habib, taxi driver” was the highlight of this entire season…
Brenda Walsh Said,
I forgot about Habib! Gold. And to make it even more awkward, Kris Humphries sat in the passenger, not in the back, like a normal taxi ride.
Emz Said,
Rin Tin Tinleigh.

I’m tired of these girls. June 12th needs to get here STAT. Missing me some Gare-bear and Bint-lee (oh hell no!).

I’lll go ahead and recap Sabrina’s episode…. tears, and lots of them.
Conspiracy Man Said,
Brenda Walsh- You were right.

That second episode was even more bizarre than the first. The girl’s mother was like the chorus in a Greek tragedy. There was so much that was not shown on that episode. Whose mother would let the sister just drop out of school and move in one minute? Why did the pregnant girl move in the first place. Why was the baby daddy not stacking cake for the trip like his clone Kieffer Delp would have done? Why was it so obvious that MTV would ultimately pay to send the guy to TN? Why was it so obvious that the guy spent the money MTV obviously gave him for the first ticket? Why was it so obvious that MTV finally relented and sent him an ACTUAL TICKET (instead of the money) after he spent the first wad of cash? What was the deal with the insane mother, and why does someone with poorly-done homemade/jail tattoos have any moral authority in this episode?
Wednesdaystreat Said,
And what was up with the mom’s (in episode 2) misplaced jaw when she talked?

LOL at the ticket frenzy that Conspiracy Man recapped–you SO KNOW it’s true!

Oh, and I think that Blank was so into going on the shrimp boat to actually GET AWAY rather than send money. Ya think? Yeah.
Conspiracy Man Said,
Maybe the mom was in a confined area with no access to sharp objects and had to remove part of the jawbone, sharpen it and fashion it into a tattoo needle in order to cover herself with that sweet ink. The homemade cross between the thumb and forefinger always looks good, since you can do it yourself and you only need a straight edge to make the design look nice.
Not Goggles Said,
I can’t even think of anything funny to say about this episode. It was mind-boggling. I’m from Texas and I can say, for sure, that the South is full of people like this.. I can’t imagine what my mother would do if my boyfriend called me a “dumbass” right in front of her. She probably would have ripped those white eyelashes out one by one.

Did anyone notice when her mom was b*itching Blank out, her voice got really high-pitched? I laughed so hard at that. Also, if a guy got me “tater chips” as an apology, I’d tell him to take a hike.
Conspiracy Man Said,
Am I the only one who thought that the baby daddy on the second show was an exact replica of Kieffer Delp? He even sounded exactly like K Delp (with a little bit of barbiturate Elvis thrown into the mix). He had to be living on some California grassy knoll until MTV came to the rescue. Why was there a pre-placed camera in the “cab driver’s” taxi? Who was that driver? Was MTV really so cruel that they did not tell this girl in advance that her baby’s father was coming, or did everyone do a good job of fake acting that it was a surprise? Why did MTV then do its very best to portray this guy as a great dad, when he obviously only wised up in time to jump onto the MTV money train? Did KDII purchase the very expensive Tennessee Titans pullover at the airport or did he actually purchase it California or did MTV just give it to him so that the moldy greenish hoodie he was wearing would not be so familiar?

Why did the girl think it was a great idea to move to Tennessee, away from her baby’s father and everyone she knew? Wouldn’t KDII be kind of bitter about this move? Was there some kind of blowout between the girl and KDII before she left for TN?

What did the girl’s mother do that was “not responsible” in the past? Where was the father of all of the pregnant girl’s half sisters? Why did MTV not mention anything about the huge, major blowout fight that must have happened between the sister and K Delp II? How did K Delp II know the sister during the Skype phase of the pregnancy and why did KD II immediately demand that the sister get off the Skype call before he even greeted his pregnant girlfriend? Why did the grandparents not even seem to have any issues or concerns about who was moving through the revolving door into their house?

Every single scene of the second show just left me with about 5 or 6 logical questions more than I had before the scene started.
Kate Said,
This season’s crop of bricks are not very interesting, so I appreciate the re-craps so I don’t have to endure the episodes.

However, I cannot wait for the new original recipe Teen Mom to return! I’m getting my trash claw sharpened in anticipation. And did I see Butch decked out in full prison regalia in that promo? Be still my heart!

P.S.- One of our favorite season 2 Teen Moms just Tweeted a pic of her new engagement ring….
Joy Said,
I’m actually a ginger from the south and I was HORRIFIED by every minute of this episode. And did I miss Blank’s parents? I’m glad I’m not the only one who felt like this entire episode was one of those cartoons out of a Highlights magazine where you have to find all the random objects. Here’s hoping we get to see more of her on Teen Mom!
Conspiracy Man Said,
Joy- Awesome point about Blank’s parents. Did they have no say in what was happening?
Wednesdaystreat Said,
I think we were told that Blank had “issues” with his parents which is why he moved into Sanford and Son’s place–and MTV thought they were boring, I guess.

I also thought that Kris/Kieffer definitely had a PAST with Sabrina’s sister–as in a hate/hate relationship. And if you watch the UNSEEN moments on MTV.com, we learn that jaw mama’s “issues” were DRUGS. Who’d a guessed? I totally wondered about the Titans pullover too–airport or just trying to fit in? Anyway, it would have bought about 10 boxes of diapers.
Krista Said,
A half eaten bag of potato chips? Wow, what a winner Blank. I would have gotten out of my plastic lawn chair and kicked him in the nuts.

I still don’t understand what she saw in him, he has fuzzy orange hair, effed up teeth, pale skin, he’s dumb as dirt, zero ambition in life besides working on a shrimping boat and he acts like a douche about 90% of the time. I can see why his family doesn’t like him.
KIKI79 Said,
for the record- $10 a week ($40 a month) for diapers is probably close to actual cost. we spent about $50 a month on diapers when ds was an infant. store brand i am talking about though, not expensive shit like huggies or pampers.

both epi’s left alot of unanswered questions!

i couldn’t even pay attention to the firsdt episode b/c i was staring at sarah’s awful skin the entire time. not just her face but arms, shoulders chest. it was horrible!!! and Tinleigh?!?!? ugh!!!
KIKI79 Said,
p.s.-doesn’t she kinda of look like sammi sweetheart in the last picture???
Tater Chips Said,
That “baby daddy” in the second epi was Keiffer after he gained 50 pounds!!
Tater Chips Said,
I am playing I spy right now with the pictures posted above.

I see:

A clothes rack or upside down ironing board loaded with a weeks worth of clothes

stroller

plastic chairs

make up sex love couch complete with sheet

2 boxes of kleenex stacked, some of the kleenex used and put back in box

trash can full of trash (could be a dead body who knows?)

a 1970’s tv

green jug of anit freeze or it could be bubbles

baseball
kesmom Said,
My favorite randomly placed item was the Pledge spray mixed in with all the beauty products. You know they have accidentally used it on their hair a few times!
ShaNaeNae Said,
KIKI79, she does look like S. Sweatstains. But, again, my eyes were diverted by background objects. Why is there a paper plate in front of a 1962 B&W TV? No worries on cleaning the house. It’s only going to be on national TV.

Her complexion, ugh. I bet she’s the type that doesn’t wash her face at night and goes to bed in complete cosmetics.

Also, how come every scene had her mom sitting and almost every one sitting and seething at Blake (God help me, that my youngest son’s name)? If she wasn’t in a plastic chair in the carport, back seat of a car, her own car, couch on the lawn, couch in the living room, kitchen recliner…
Blank's Shreeump Boat Said,
Good lord, both crapisodes were filmed just “a good stones throw” away from where I live.
I feel all special, y’all! Only not really…

I could actually understand what was being said throughout Sarah’s episode though. Being born and raised in the south, I guess I just have that gift. For the record though, not everyone is as stupid as the people in all of these crapisodes. I actually didn’t get pregnant while in high school, and made sure that I had an education before reproducing. AND I didn’t reproduce with a big bag of douche. I did things the more traditional way and reproduced with my husband. Although, I should have just went for it and had a baby when I was 16… it just seems to be working out SO great for these girls.

Anyinvisiblelashes, “Tit-Leaves” is such an improvement over Tinleigh. Putting that one into the future baby names list, that’s for sure.

For those wanting a recap for the second show it’s:
-Moved from California to Tennessee
-The mom was a real treat
-Crying, crying, crying
-Pitocin!!!!
-Crying, crying, blah.
Wednesdaystreat Said,
Regarding Mrs. Duggar’s More Rebellious Lady of the Evening: Yup. She was always sitting. I noticed that too. There is usually SOME mention of the moms working or going to work. Not so much here, so I’m thinking that WE the taxpayers are definitely buying those diapers for 10 dollars a week–or more.
Yawny Said,
The girl in the second episode was a cross btwn octomom and a kardashian
Britt Said,
The whole time I was watching this crapisode, all I could think was “subtitles, MTV! or Patrick won’t know what they are trying to say!” I’m from the south. In fact I’m probably cousins with Sarah and/or Blank. Also I’m disappointed you didn’t spot the 18-wheeler in the front yard.
MissW Said,
This season’s dads are the worst. And are plastic chairs the new puffy leather?
I couldn’t help but laugh out loud when Kelly Clarkson told Blank she hoped he fell overboard. Things you don’t hear many people telling their boyfriends/baby dads.
giacomo Said,
Only knowing this nightmare from here, I can’t help but note a consistency (aside from the whoriness, trashiness, etc.). Is it me, or is every teenage dad a pitiful biped who is deeply resentful about the consequences of 30 seconds of a backseat, and does every cracker teen mom somehow think these ejaculations with legs are actually interested in the crying mistake in the next room?
Married&Celebate Said,
I couldn’t help thinking, “Run, Blank, run.” The future is just as much depressing for the boys as it is for the girls, and the boys get to be blamed, insulted, and hated forervermore.

Outdoor couch covered with a sheet must equal puffy leather?
Annie Said,
Yo! I too am a reading from such far flung afield as Ireland.

Where all the babydaddies are redheaded and whitelashed, or 90% of them anyway.

What is this second episode? The internet has not provided me with it. Patience is a virtue I suppose, as is not letting Napoleon Dynamite horn up and give ya a baby. yaaaack.

Also, I did notice that she kept shoving a bottle in the kids mouth to shut it up, even when it was pooing! This is why americans are fat. That is all.
Grover Said,
The best, but really the worst part about this, is that I actually live where they are from. Thank God I was not born and raised here – I moved here after college and getting married. They represent this area well, and for some strange reason, most houses look like episodes of hoarders. And I have the WORST time trying to understand what everyone is saying. Ugh I hate the south.
Laurie Said,
Stupid question, maybe one of the southerners posting could help. In the beginning of the episode she lives in Georgia near the Tennessee border. Then when Blank goes to work on a shrimp boat he is only an hour away????? Isn’t the only coast of Georgia on the complete opposite side of the gigantic state? What am I missing?
Miss reader Said,
Dude stop recapping minors and go back to housewives. That’s what got me tuned in. A funny male adult talking about ridiculous adults. Reading these teen recaps is like reading you bully and belittle moron teenagers who didn’t have a chance in the first place. Not funny. Not interesting.
alwayssunny Said,
miss reader, incase the 50+ comments that came before yours didn’t tip you off, you’re not really in the majority of readers of this blog. making fun of dumb white trash people who are trying to get their 15 mins, regardless of their age, is always funny and interesting.
Leah's Fat Sister Said,
I’m reading from Australia, where white trash is just as prevalent as the deep south. Sadly we don’t seem to have puffy leather here. Is it wrong that I desperately want to go to places like this to see if people like Blank truly exist?
Hachet Face Said,
@Miss reader – you know you don’t HAVE to read these recaps, right….? It’s like people who comment “nobody cares” on an article or message board. If you’re not interested, don’t bother reading and commenting in the first place.
Brenda Walsh Said,
While I don’t agree entirely with Miss reader, as I love these craptastic Teen Mom/16 & Preg recaps (they are the highlight of my week!!) I also would love RHofNJ recaps. I mean, Joe Giudice in that splits machine was golden! Would’ve loved to hear your take on that “exercise.”

Back to 16 & Preg-the 2nd episode time frame confused me. So she moved more than halfway across the country, away from her boyfriend and presumably all her friends, AFTER learning she was pregnant? Why? That makes no sense. She said she moved the summer between her junior and senior year-who does that? Why wouldn’t you want to finish your last year of high school where you spent the first three? Plus she had the kid in like September I think? So she moved when she was already four or five months pregnant? So many questions.
Dora the Explorer Said,
Laurie, I was wondering the same thing. I don’t understand how you can possibly go from north Georgia to the coast in an hour. So confused.

Annie, yay for Ireland! My husband and I are traveling there this fall and I promise, we are nothing like these people on TV.
jodz2727 Said,
That was the most magnificent mash up of Hoarders and 16 and Preggers, EVUH. Luv,luv,luv that Mama tarts her daughter up before school and you just KNOW that all the make-up came from some hillbilly yard sale (IMPETIGO) . Perhaps Mama should look for a half used tube of Proactive whilst she’s a shoppin’. Tin Lee, Bint Lee, Teen Lee, Tentalou wtf’s her name?? All baby acne and colic, just presh! Bubba Gumps words o’ wisdom was a nice touch. The White Lasheded Ging (aka Big Shrimpin’) with the jacked up teeth, the tater chips that taste of BBQ and regret, Game Stop’s best customer…no wonder she gave it up! Dayum!
Janelle's Ugly Toes Said,
Miss Reader: STFU….don’t tell Patrick what to do…he is a genius and you are not funny and boring.
Yawny Said,
She said that it was right across the state line from Chattanooga. Isn’t there where Maci lives? Who also wants to be a…..journalist!! Where are they getting their inspiration? Maybe the weather girl on channel 10 is what every little hillbilly aspires to be? Hmmmm
Yawny Said,
The sister on episode 2 had a weird lazy eye. It looked like she was constantly giving Octodashian the side eye the entire time. And the mother had the crack head jaw defect. Where did they find those old people (grandparents, HA, I don’t buy it) who’s house they were living in?
YouAreTheFather Said,
While I’m sitting here watching American Idol – the mom in this episode looks like Skylar Laine in 20 years.

Sarah reminds me of like Jemmye from The Real World: New Orleans.
Grover Said,
Yes, Sarah lives about an hour away from where Maci is from, maybe a little less. And…the nearest ocean I know of is like 6 hours away. So wtf MTV?
Miss reader Said,
Well i will continue checking the blog as the guy is pretty funny when not talking about minors. To those of you who were polite in your comments to me I commend your manners and am pleased to share air with you. To those of you who are trashpons and have to be hostile… Well you’re trashpons.
IBBB Said,
My Dearest Miss Reader – don’t fret none, I ain’t (ai-not) mad at ya. I thought it was clear that I make fun of moron teenagers so that I can feel better about myself. If it isn’t clear, I make fun or moron teenagers so that I can feel better about myself.

I agree that it’s not interesting and it’s not funny to you. It’s not interesting, yet totally funny to me. I find myself high-fiving myself after I write a joke because, well, I’m that much of a douche-nozzle. I felt the need to hyphenate that.

I will get back to the Housewives as I find Italian’s with money to be a delight to both my eyes and my ears. Let’s never fight like this again. I love you. And I love your smile.

Not Interesting and Not Funny,
IBBB

P.S., Join Me on Facebook!
Joe's Rap Career Said,
^^ always classy well writtten, our friend.
kelli Said,
I love the Sheniece reference in response to Leah, I mean Miss Reader’s whining.Now that song will be filling up all the empty space in my head for the rest of the day.And by the way I love the Teen Mom recaps more than any of the others.Great job,Patrick!!Ole’
Miss reader Said,
I take it back! I am charmed and hearts a thumping. I still feel your magic and talent are wasted upon the teens. But it’s yours to do with as you please. Reality tv is such a crazy internal experience for us viewers. And reading your posts is like decontaminating with laughter. When it’s rich women with goofy problems and money to throw I delight in any moment when her weakness shows. But those teens… So sad. I already feel bad for them. So young. So lame. One pair of red bottom shoes would buy 26 puffy couches. Anycriticalreaders… I love your posts, I look for them always after a housewives show, and I am too flattered you responded to ever tell you what to blog about again. MR
Lee's Summit Tigers Said,
Did you see in the second episode where the prego girl picked her nose, wiped it on the swing, then blew the booger off?
slappie jones Said,
Miss Reader: I sincerely apologize for the person holding a gun to your head forcing you to read these (hilarious!) recaps. If these poor, innocent kids are upset over people trash talking, they should learn the proper methods and usage of birth control and maybe, just maybe, not sign up for a national tv show. Just saying…..
Annie Said,
Saw the second episode! Huzzah!

But, jesus what unfathomables it brought to me.