The days go by so fast and it seems like the girls are just getting easier. It’s like they used to put up a fight but now they’re tricked by d*ck and ready to become reality stars. Had 16 & Pregnant been around 15 years ago, Kim Zolciak probably would have entered our lives a long time ago. As soon as I add the finishing touches to my time machine I’ll get Zolciak’s wig knocked up. Spoiler Alert: This episode was one giant snooze. No joke, 40 minutes into it and I was thinking, “What the hell do I write?” Then I realized I was asking myself questions and then, well, I was answering said questions so I suddenly learned how crazy I really am. Therefore, nevertheless, and then-some I will be highlighting some of my favorite moments from this horrifically boring crapisode:
The Voiceover – Our 17 year old skank-pig, Hope, apparently has the same reading level as our beloved Leah from Teen Mom 2 because every time I had to listen to her during her voiceover I lapsed into a self induced coma. It’s amazing how slamming your ding-a-ling into your laptop over and over again can make you lose consciousness. I know she’s from Missouri, but I have to hope that that has nothing to do with it. Also, I wasn’t aware Missouri was still part of the United States. I assumed we sold it to France in exchange for the Statue of Liberty and the Erie Canal back in 1776. Eh, at least that’s what my Social Studies book said. I think. I don’t know actually. All I do know is that my 8th grade nun would hijack most of our classes to tell us how doctors perform abortions (in alleys, of course). Sadly, I’m actually not joking.
Betsy: The Light of My Life – The only saving grace this whole episode was Hope’s mother, Betsy. First off, is there a sexier name? Bonnie is a good backup followed by, of course, Loretta. Betsy is still working her way through the 80’s but isn’t quite there just yet. She constantly looks like she’s posing for a Glamor Shots photo shoot and has caked on the eye shadow on the regular. Clearly in Missouri, more is less. She almost looked like the meth version of Debra (Farrah’s mom) but was just missing the obligatory trash claw. To make things even better there was so much crowding in her mouth that I was certain her teeth were trying to escape. To sum up, she’s a dream come true. And don’t think I didn’t notice the back tat, arm tats, or ankle tats. I say “good for her!” I mean, why even bother having to say, “No thank you I don’t want to work in your office.” Just show the arm and let your drunken decisions speak for themselves.
He Thought He’d Pull Out, Momma! - At what point is it normal to sit around the kitchen table with your mom and a camera crew and explain your teenage pregnancy by stating that your “boyfriend” didn’t have a condom and told you he’d just pull out. Discussing the “pull out” process is typically best talked about over a nice hot cup of Sanka. Hope should have lied and been like, “Mom it’s not my fault! See, we were waxing the floors and I slipped and fell on his junk.” It’s your basic “Ring Toss” explainer. Google it.
Wait, You Mean His Name Isn’t Vin? – No joke for the first 15 minutes I thought she was saying her boyfriends name was Vin. It wasn’t until I saw some of those fantastic MTV pencil sketches that I realized his name was Ben. Obviously it was pronounced like our little friend “Bint-Lee.”
When the Cameras Went Up, Ben Came Back to Town – Finally! Finally one of the deadbeats on the show understands that if you’re going to be on camera it only makes sense to pretend you’re not a douche whilst filming. Ben jumped ship for the first 2 months after he found out his “pull out” method didn’t work, but when Hope told him the cameras were coming to town (as was Santa Claus) not only did he call her, but invited her to move in with him and said she really didn’t have to pay any of the bills. Brilliant performance, Ben. I’d do the same thing. In real life, clearly, I am a terrible and horrific person. However, if a camera was on my face right now I’d be smiling and giving the sign of the cross. I’d be blogging with one hand and brushing the hair of the homeless with the other.
Does Dr. Chang Work in Jack Tripper’s Bedroom? – Hope needs to go see Dr. Chang because her feet and ankles are swelling due to her working at the coffee shop for 9 hour shifts. She wants to know if he can “do something about this.” He should have been like, “Yeah, how ’bout a 3rd trimester abortion?” He would then, of course, wink after he said that just in case she freaked out. At least he could have pretended it was just a sick joke, you know, kinda like I just did. Wink. I couldn’t tell if Dr Chang worked in Jack Tripper’s bedroom or actually in the Regal Beagle. I was looking to see if I could find Lana dressed up as a slutty nurse. You know you were too.
The Ultrasound Baby Looked Like a Pig – There, I said it.
Betsy Has Been Damaged – Betsy is playing in the bitter barn and wants to warn Hope of how her life is basically going to really start sucking soon. After Ben finally met Hope’s mom he wins her heart over by letting her know that he wants to wake up in the middle of the night and change sh*tty diapers. Betsy’s only real question for Ben was if he was going to pay Hope’s car insurance. That seems reasonable. I’m sure Ben will take the car and just pull out…of the driveway anyway. See what I did there? Yeah, I saw it too. Anyeyes, Betsy finally gives Hope these words of wisdom, “Expect nothing because men suck.” You know what, Betsy? I’m pretty sure a man made you’re electric blue raccoon eye shadow so maybe you should rethink that statement. Also, you should take a second look at your youngest daughter because there is no doubt in my mind that she’s actually Kim Zolciack’s youngest daughter. This just proves my theory that MTV finds all of these people in a prop house.
And It’s Baaaaaaack – Pitocin, that is! Finally Pitocin was administered for the first time all season. I couldn’t believe it. I shouted “thank you sweet baby Jesus Claus!” as soon as I realized this chick was going to get induced. Sadly, however, after 10 hours of labor they ended up going with the C-section. Besty was in the corner crying and Hope thought it was because she thought she was going to die. I’m assuming Betsy saw what her face looked like in florescent hospital lighting and was having a mini breakdown.
So You Can Show This? Not for nothing, but how am I supposed to feed my fat ass during this show if they’re not going to warn me that they’re going to show the actual C-section. They showed the doctor cut across her stomach and then reach in and pull the baby out of her stomach. I farted and almost puked all at the same time. Now I may not be a surgeon (although I technically am) but at one point during the birth Hope just says, “Is there a baby on my stomach?” Uh. Sure. The stork just flew into the hospital and delicately placed it on there. Geesh, no wonder why she fell for the “I’ll pull out” line. The only thing that was successfully pulled out was this baby…and by the neck. Seriously, who knew I had so many pull out jokes? I really pulled out all the stops for this blog. Hey-oh! Thank you, friends, thank you.
In the End – In the end this episode crapped. The baby cried per usual and Ben kept up the facade that he wasn’t a d-bag. Hope got bored being home all day and not having any friends so she got a job taking orders at a restaurant. She also took the baby to college to visit her friend and we were forced to watch her friend awkwardly talk about all the house parties she goes to and then says the baby is “seriously adorbs.” I literally gave my television the finger the entire time this chick was on. Plus, you totally know she’s the “frat whore” at all these house parties. Either way, Hope just wanted some friends but can’t seem to find any. She should dig up her old AOL screen name and hop into a chat room and just have at it. At the least she could meet a neat stranger and eventually get pregnant again. Eh, just a thought. She may have her own ideas on how to make friends.
Want to talk about Pitocin? Well then join me on my Facebook page. You’ll hate it! I do!
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