Real Housewives of New Jersey: Rosie, the Mrs. Garrett of Our Generation (with a Beverly Ann Hairdo)

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Sorry this one was a little late today.  I was too busy writing countless (de lesepps) letters to Congress demanding that they give Rosie and Milania their own show.  I’m confident this is what Congress is for.  I’m less confident that I’m supposed to be capitalizing the word “Congress.”  I’ll write a letter to ask.  Moving on.  This was really quite the crapisode.  And by “quite” I mean “not really at all.”  Although there were many gems throughout that made me proud to be an American and even more proud that I am one Path train away from the magical location called “New Jersey.”  Per usual, Caroline’s privates are in the process of drying out so she’s a little punchy to say the least.  Also, to say the yeast all at the same time.  Therefore, she’s decided to constantly talk about Lauren’s weight at least once per episode.  I’m kidding, at least 6 times per episode.  She’s kind enough to remind us that Lauren is beautiful on the inside…it’s just her outsides that are basically disgusting.  Awww that’s sweet.  I hope she saves some for her Christmas card.  Or at least suggest she play “Santa” for the Night of 7,000 Fishes on Christmas Eve.  Ho ho, yes.  Let’s all just assume that Caroline isn’t being the spawn of Satan and is chatting up Lauren’s beer belly so that she can end up with a Nutri-System endorsement just like that little minx Tori Spelling did after she had her baby…and would have lost the 75 pounds anyway because, you know, a human was no longer inside of her.  But I digest.

Other greasy stuff happened, of course, but nothing made my heart grow 2 sizes like when Rosie enters the scene.  This time around she was in a purple tie-dye tee with the actual haircut I had in the 7th grade.  I’m guessing she just plops down in the chair and says, “A  boys regular, please.”  As she should.  As. She. Should.  Since everyone is going on some boat that was most likely rented by the production crew, Rosie is tasked with watching about 10 of their kids, all of whom are more tanned than they should be for anyone their age…yet not tan enough for being legal residents of New Jersey.  It’s a fine line.  I mean, and the kids are all lunatics.  Milania is spraying and stabbing and the other ones who look like kids reenacting scenes from Jersey Shore are running to and fro.  Rosie is sneaking in some swigs of that famous purple wine that’s always in a giant glass jug and heading outside to grab a smoke and, most likely, let a few rip.  I don’t judge.  At one point I found myself yelling at my television “UNATTENDED!” when the blond Guidice was standing motionless in the middle of the street.  She has the right idea, actually.  If daddy heads off to the slammer for a cool 10 years I think “playing in the street” may be their best bet.  When Rosie sees this she goes running towards the child and scoops her up before that car going 3 mph runs her down and, you know, skins her knee.  Of course in my mind when Rosie was running I was seeing it in slow motion and am pretty sure I heard “Eye of the Tiger” playing in the background.  Or maybe it was just because I actually hit rewind, played it in slow motion, and then turned on Eye of the Tiger from my iPad.  Life is just better when I’m controlling it.  Later, Milania is (what I can only assume) mocking her pint-sized father by doing chin-ups in the closet.  Rosie lets Gia (z-snap) handle it and Gia (z-snap) screams at the top of her lungs for Milania to stop what she’s doing.  Clearly Gia is learning from her parents and will most likely be thrown out of school by her 13th birthday.  Fingers crossed we see her on 16 & Pregnant (and Italian) in a few more years.  Again, I’ll begin the letter writing process to Congress.

For me, I’m not sure what was worse.  The fact that the scenes with the adults on the “boat” was a snooze or the fact that none of those same adults know it’s not technically pronounced, “Supposebly.”  There is no “B” in that word, bricks.  Although I shouldn’t talk because being from Boston I’m not familiar with the letter “R.”  At the same time I am familiar with being awesome on the regular, so that’s cool.  Larry Bird woo-hoo!  No idea.  The remainder of the episode consists of all the women going to some “Summer Solstice” party thrown by a second-rate psychic at some dive bar that’s across the street from peoples houses.  Quaint.  Speaking of taint, apparently everyone was told to wear white.  Some women wore white dresses and other women (including Lauren!) chose to wear white short-shorts with their beav basically blowing in the New Jersey breeze.  Where is that fish smell coming from?  One truly doesn’t know.  It’s like the chicken and the egg.  Also, everyone had to wear Bindi’s (?) in the middle of their forehead so they could have a third eye.  Rosie claims hers fell off when she started sweating and she said, “F this thing.”  I love her with all my half-heart.  I’m sure she dropped it down her underpants so she could sass things up during scissors.  I am, of course, talking about an arts-and-crafts project with the children.  Duh.

Like many of you, my first thought when I saw everyone in white was, “Glad no one is on the rag.”  I mean, Caroline is obviously in the clear but you can totally tell these other women have a really heavy flow.  I would like to go on the record now to say that I’ve officially made myself sick probably for the first time since I’ve been writing this blog over the past 5 years.  Anymaxi, everyone is at two different tables because, you know, production planned it that way.  Rosie is loving the camera time (as are we) so she pulls Teresa aside to talk to her about what she said to her brother about Mellisa’s long face possibly leaving Doozer if she found another man with more money.  Rosie almost looks like she couldn’t give a crap, but all of The America is rejoicing that she’s in this episode so much.  With all the talking and opinions Rosie finally just states, “Maybe everyone should just shut up.”   Also, Rosie is dressed like the members from 98 Degrees when they would film their “beach scenes” for their “music videos.”  Yes all of that was supposed to be in quotes.  I’d like to see Rosie perform an interpretive dance during this conversation.  Oh, and what was up with that 10 second clip of Rosie sassing that random blond chick at the table?  Was it over their “kinship” and is that code for some form of munching?  I love symbolism.

Later, Teresa and Melissa end up talking about how educated they are and how other countries love us.  I’m kidding.  They talked about themselves and quotes from the endless magazines Teresa is in.  This somehow turned into an episode of “Password” and as soon as Melissa said the word “jail” Teresa freaked out and took off towards the parking lot whilst Kim D followed her around making sure she was in the background of every shot.  And you know what?  She succeeded.  I feel like I’m going to have to watch the fight scenes a few more times because I had no clue really what was going on.  At one point they were yelling at each other, but both agreeing about how wonderful Teresa’s brother is.  But they were saying it with such anger.  Moreover, Melissa’s dress (?) was so short I was certain her gentlemen greeter was going to catch a cold.  I thought I heard it sneeze.   Regardless, I said “bless you” at least a few times during that argument.  And what the hell was Tre-bagger talking about 99.9% of the time?  It’s almost like they were having an argument with different people and Bravo just edited them together in one scene.  It was like I was watching The Parent Trap (60′s version, of course)  I popped a Dramamine because all of their hand movements and gestures literally started to give me motion sickness.  I’m also pretty sure they were unwillingly signalling a terrorist attack.  If you see something, say something.  Just don’t have Tre say it because she’ll probably ask you what the words are.  “What’s that word again?  Confidence?”  The camera man can’t help you Tre.  He just can’t. I thank God every day she doesn’t home-school those children.  Anyeyes, the fight ends by Melissa walking away (after talking about dropping off gifts at a pre-school?) and Tre making jokes about their husbands cheating on them.  I was more than confused.  Plus, my mind started wandering thinking about Rosie putting on one of those fairy costumes and singing “Hey Big Spender” to me.  Rosie, if you’re out there…join me on my Facebook page.  Let’s be friends for life!

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Comments

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  2. just me says:

    rosie was definately the highlight of this crapisode! teresa is just psychotic and everyone else is just boring me….

  3. Liese531 says:

    The scissors comment may be your best piece of writing so far.

  4. QueenofCorona says:

    Pretty sure Melissa didn’t need a bindi, her 3rd eye aka whispering eye was already on display in that get-up.

    If Teresa really wants to make a forture she should really consider becoming the spokesperson for Paxil, Prozac, Zanax, Rosetta Stone, and probably Hooked on Phonics.

    I LOVE Rosie and how she breaks it down, I have no patience for airheads either. She’s like Rosie O’Donnell circa A League of Their Own.

  5. I squealed with delight every time Rosie was in the scene!!! they seriously need to toss “Tre” and replace her with Rosie!

  6. Patrick,

    Thank you so much for these entries! I have been a longtime reader but never posted until today. Ole! I have to thank you for your recaps (especially for this show and 16 and Pregnant). Most of the other sites that recap have such a one-sided argument for either Teresa or Melissa, followed by a 400-800 comment war between the readers. Being not a huge fan of either housewife, I just want to read a funny recap, complete with Rosie and Milania references. Keep up the good work! This site is definitely a bright spot in my day!

  7. QueenofCorona says:

    Rosie looks a lot like Mark Cuban.

  8. best blog(ger) of all time. I did the LOL all up in my office. “have a cigarette and let a few rip…” I died. <3 Rosie and Bravo WILL BE GIVING HER A SHOW IF THEY KNOW WHATS GOOD FOR THEM

  9. Patrick, did you know on the Bravo website there is a 48-picture montage of Rosie over the years? Definitely worth checking out….

  10. Queen of Corona, you nailed it. Doppleganger alert! However, I think Rosie makes a better looking guy than Mark.
    I know. Gay joke alert. Sorry. But really, can you envision an episode where Rosie has a date with a guy?
    And Patrick, once again I laughed so hard I’m crying. I suggest everyone reading this site go to Bravo and demand Patrick replace Jay Mohr for recaps. Bravo made the bad decision not to have Jay back, but after finding Patrick, who is way funnier, who really cares.
    Seriously folks, I’m starting a campaign. Go to Bravo and leave comments about how people who miss Jay need to read Patrick. It may not end up being a paying gig, but he deserves the recognition. Funniest stuff I have ever read on the internet.

  11. Sparkle says:

    Ok did anyone else DIE when Lauren said “I’ve lost 10 pounds and I fit into 2 pairs of size 8 pants!” I lost control of my bowels and went into seizures when she said that!!! Size 8 in elephant pants maybe!!!

  12. QueenofCorona says:

    @Sparkle, IKR. Obvs she meant EIGHTteen.

  13. Tiffany says:

    @Sparkle, I didn’t hear that, however Caroline tweeted a picture of Lauren yesterday and she looks so much better & has lost a lot of weight! She was wearing a black dress, but she still looked MUCH thinner! It’s crazy to see her in the episodes knowing how she looks now!

    And move over Caroline, Rosie is the new voice of reason and the one that’ll be able to tell everyone she just.doesn’t.give.a.flying.f***

  14. Genie78 says:

    Did Jacqueline have swamp ass at the white party? When she ran after Tre….I swear I saw a big wet spot on her butt from her thighgina’s sweating in those tight white pants!

  15. Genie78 says:

    p.s…..Rosie should be a RHONJ …screw Dina and Danielle! I vote for Rosie!

  16. Penelope says:

    I want to shove Caroline Manzo in front of a moving car.

  17. I love Melissa more and more every episode.

  18. Brooke says:

    I don’t know what she looks like now, but if Lauren was a size 8 when they shot that footage then Caroline was a size 0. And Teresa is a MENSA member.

  19. Brooke says:

    Also, does Kim D have braces?? Why are her lips always so far out from her teeth?

  20. giacomo says:

    Love the Rosie-outfit-98-Degrees parallel.
    LOVE Lauren’s fear of never matching her amazing, successful brothers. ??? Did they get jobs as waiters at Maggiano’s, or they still hawking brown water?
    More love for how, so early, everyone dances around the blatant reality that TreBags is what we used to call “special”. I didn’t see it, but was she destroyed on the Trump thing? Please?

  21. giacomo says:

    OMG. I swore I couldn’t take it another year and I was right. The parking lot. Mel is freaking Gertrude Stein mixed with Eleanor Roosevelt, compared to that mindless, brainless, shrill, idiot chimpanzee TreBags.

  22. Welcome to Miami, OK says:

    Lauren had to have been talking about a size 8 SHOE right?

    and YES to the 98 degrees/Rosie reference.

  23. As.She.Should. LMAO Exactly! I have come to realize that over half the joy of watching this show is knowing you will blog about it the next day and trying to figure out which parts will be your favorites… Love it!

  24. MilaniaForPresident says:

    “I’ll throw youse right in the lagoon…I swear to God!” As the swarm of Giudice/Gorga/Wakilie children are dodging cars in the street…Love me some Rosie.

    And if Lauren wears a size 8 I will eat Joe’s homemade salami…

  25. when caroline said that lauren has a “belly” i almost died of embarrassment. if my mom said that about me on national tv i would go apeshit on her. also, rosie is such a breath of fresh air on this show full of morons. she’s totally mark cuban’s twin.

  26. Unattended in the street says:

    To pile on, Lauren is a size 8 only on the moon.

    I love how Milania admits to being full of poo poo all the time.

    I have never seen anyone lose an argument so convincingly as Theresa did. Melissa made great arguments one right after the other (Teresa brings up gifts and then calls Melissa the materialistic one?). When your best argument is “it’s a joke. Funny, ha ha”, you’re screwed.

    And yes, Rosie, is the bomb diggity. I love when she rescued unattended Audriana from the middle of the street and says “I don’t care. You can cry all you want”, I wanted to high five her through the TV.

    Never quit us Patrick. America needs you.

  27. Scooby says:

    I fully admit that the only reason I even watch this crapbag show (and 16& pregnant) is so I could read your recaps the next day. Being a child of the 90′s, the 98 degrees reference had me dying…I could totally picture them all on the beach singing “I do…cherish you..”

    Now I know that if I ever run into Tre-Bagger (and I work in Jersey so it could happen) all I have to do is say “unattended!” or “jail!” and witness a certified chimpanzee-style bitch fit.

    I’m starting to think that Bravo Overlord Andy Cohen is putting so much Rosie on this season just for you, Patrick…after all, wasn’t he twitter bombed your recaps? :)

  28. rosie foiled poor audriana’s plan to off herself and be rid of her idiot family

  29. Unattended says:

    I think we should all give Lauren the benefit of doubt. She did say she was able to fit in TWO pairs of size 8 pants. And size 8 plus size 8 does equal size 16. It’s a joke, get it? Funny. Ha ha.

  30. *Teresa really thinks she’s going to keep Joe’s legal issues from the cameras
    *It looked so incredibly hot and humid at that Solstice party that it was making ME uncomfortable
    *Joe & Tre’s mute child (the one that looks nothing like the other 3) seems loved less by them
    *The scisson comment
    *It took me a while, but Lauren meant she fit into size 16 (two size 8s)

  31. Unattended – will you marry me?

  32. Scooby says:

    And why do two of the Guidice kids look NOTHING like either Tre, Barney, or the other two monkey-faced girls? Maybe someone was stepping out… (insert Teresa vs. Melissa cheating-on-your-husband joke here)

  33. jennyk78 says:

    Patrick I love you! You would make my life complete if you would puh-lease recap the shit out of MobWives!!!

  34. The whole gift thing was ridiculous. I can’t stand my sister and I still make sure to see my nephew and get him something every birthday and Christmas. If for some rare reason I can’t I make sure to send something, usually with lots of glitter and confetti to fall out just to irritate her. Theresa however has to be invited to a party and fed cake to get a present for her’s though. Those poor kids. At least they have Rosie to give them love even if it’s the tough kind:)

  35. Brenda Walsh says:

    If it wasn’t for Milania I would simply mute the TV every time Tre and Joe have a scene.

  36. Janelle's Ugly Toes says:

    Theresa is such a liar she can’t remember which lie is which and when confronted she just stammers and says things like..”uh well ah hmmmm bitch!” I can’t stand her but I do love Milania and Rosie and Milania together was tv gold!

    Her face sitting in that closet made my day after having one of the crappiest days of my life.

    Rock on Patrick!

  37. Janelle's Ugly Toes says:

    I forgot to mention that Theresa has some of the WORST implants I’ve every seen. Did anyone notice (maybe in the coming attractions) that Kim D. yells out “I play with the big boys” to Melissa…maybe we will see more of Danielle’s bodyguards show up ..that would be grand!

  38. Janelle's Ugly Toes says:

    I just made the picture of Rosie with the baby my screen saver. I heart her so much.

  39. Penelope says:

    Teresa lost that argument, but I still hate Melissa Gorga. She looks like the kind of a gal who would have a constantly nasty-smelling cooch.

  40. heynow221 says:

    Theresa’s boobs actually look really good. she was beyond flat before.

    I guess it goes without saying but hooooly shit Theresa is SO DUMB. Has she-at any point during any of the episodes-been able to formulate a complete sentence?

    I feel really bad for her. i don’t hate her or even dislike her, i feel utter pain and embarrassment when she’s on the scene.

    she’s so jealous of her brother’s happy “happy” marriage, she can’t stand it. that’s sad.