Harriet Carter Product of the Week: Diddle Fingers

harriet-carter-underwear-gloves

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Finally!  A clothing line for your small town pedophile.  This is totally an untapped market and one that, clearly, we should be focusing on.  Gone are the days of the ice cream man in that rusty truck trying to snatch (giggity) up your kids.  Ice cream blow pops are so 1986 and, let’s face it, more of a clown van type of thing.  Today the “designers” at the House of Carter are catering towards that one guy in the neighborhood who stares just slightly too long.  You know the one.  Now, with the beauty of “Diddle Fingers” you no longer have to wonder, “Hmmm, is he going to diddle?”  The answer now, of course, is always, “Yes!”

Say goodbye to the khaki trench coat and hello to this set of underpants…for your hands.  If you listen quietly you can hear the angels and the guy from “I Know My First Name is Steven” praising sweet baby Jesus (not “de la Cruz”).  The Diddle Fingers even come equipped with your standard pee-pee hole, as it should.  As.  It. Should.  Perhaps that’s where you can hide your enticing candy or a tiny little scroll of the most popular baby names of 2005 in hopes that you’ll make a lucky guess.  Run for it, Emma!  If you really want to kick it up a notch (and be authentic after all) be sure to pound in a line of coffee grounds on the palm of your hands so that it really gives your Diddle Fingers that skid-marked look you’re going for. A couple of drops of extra virgin (wink wink) olive oil on the front will really make the “pee stains” pop!  If Martha Stewart was promoting these on the Today Show, she’d most likely suggest first gluing a half pack of Certs (with a hot glue gun) to your hand before you put on your Diddle Fingers.  I mean, you don’t want to give the goods away for free, but sexing up your hands a bit certainly won’t hurt the cause.

At the end of the day, it’s a real dog-eat-dog world out there.  The economy is still in the crapper and this even impacts your regular Level III sex offender.  An offender has got to eat so it’s time to really step up your game.  Having some kids petting your puppy in your truck or telling you your parents have been in a terrible car accident and you need to get into their wood-paneled station wagon so they can take you to the hospital is purely a strategy from yesteryear.  Diddle Fingers is the future.  Who wants to live in the past?

*IBBB does not endorse diddling nor does he endorse fingerless gloves.  Carry on.

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Comments

  1. Charlene says:

    Holy shit. That is all.

  2. Little Suzy says:

    Honestly, are they just writing this catalog for you at this point?

  3. So, what the hell are these truly meant for? Why would someone need underpants for their hands (aside from Patrick’s use for them)? Anyone know??

  4. Oh my gravy. I don’t even have words.

  5. Love, love, love the “I know my first name is Steven” reference! Does this make me old?

  6. oh. my. fucking. god. and, i second little suzy: is this really just a farce to get you to write about it? not that we’re their target audience, but still…oh, i mean age-wise, not…pedophile-wise…okay, i should go.

  7. slappie jones says:

    Kortney I was going to ask the same thing! What the hell ARE they for? Does anyone know? Scary shit, man.

  8. So I was curious, so I googled “handerpants”, which, swear on my life, is the actual name of these things. They are, literally, underpants for your hands. You can wear them under gloves “for extra warmth”. Which…I don’t know about you all, but I don’t wear underwear for extra warmth. Anyway, my favorite part of the description was “have the look and feel of men’s briefs”. Why do you need the feel of men’s underwear on your hands??? Nevermind, don’t answer that.

  9. slappie jones says:

    Ewwwwww. That is all.

  10. My coworker has these on her desk…

  11. Isaac's Giant Sneakers says:

    DYING – “Had she been a cartoon she would crash through the wall and the whole cast would, in unison, yell ‘Hey Kool-Aid!’”

    I have not seen this episode but I literally can’t wait to get home and watch. MMIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLAAAANNNNIAAAAAAAAAAAA!

  12. lindsey says:

    Captain Underpants (I really mean diddle pants) to the rescue.