29
What Snooki Being Pregnant Means for You, Me, Her, and The America
It was only a matter of time that our beloved Snooki would be shooting a tiny leopard print baby out of her gentlemen greeter. Many of you have emailed IBBB to get my take on this momentous occasion. Here’s what I think Snooki’s pregnancy means for you, me, her and the rest of The America (certain parts of Canada may, of course, look away).
- Fetal Alcohol Syndrome becomes all the rage with “the kids” and t-shirts with sayings like “Down Eyes = No Surprise” start flying off the shelves.
- Breast feeding whilst Jersey Turnpiking becomes a motherhood best practice.
- MADD decides if you drink it through a straw you’re sober enough to drive and, therefore, change their name to “Mothers As Drunk Drivers.”
- Onsies just got a whole lot sluttier.
- The Red Cross starts setting up tents and passing out blankets and coffee directly outside of Snooki’s vagina.
- It’s now all about a watermelon coming out of a pinhole.
- When Ronnie throws Sammi’s bed during their next fight expect to see a crib flying by your screen.
- Tanning salons nationwide now start offering you goggles and pitocin.
- VaDeena automagically goes back to being the thinner meatball.
- Huggies abandons all marketing strategies and decides that sh*tting your pants and the bed is now on trend.
- The baby is instantly the same height as Jionni.
- Snooki’s UTI is now nationally known as having an “Ugly Toddler Incident.”
- The terrorist win.
- Placenta shots become a thing.
- Jealous of all the attention, JWoww flips her “W’s” and now goes by the name “JMomm.”
- Susan G Komen re-reconsiders their planned parenthood support.
- All of a sudden the fact that the Vlasic Pickles mascot is a stork makes complete sense.
- MTV is quickly reediting the opening credits to “I’m going to the Jersey Shore…Memorial Hospital, bitch!”
- Stink-eye is seamlessly replaced by pink-eye.
- Whitney left just in time.
- Pedialyte introduces their new tequila flavor with gummy worm at the bottom of the bottle.
- In retrospect, the dude who punched Snooki in the face during Season 1 kinda seems like a pioneer.
- Britney Spears finally can breathe a sigh of relief.
- Karma starts handing out toothpicks at “da club” so you can now dilate yourself to 6 (at least).
- Child Protective Services quickly removes their hiring freeze.
- Ripped up vag is the Universe’s rebuttal.
Orange you glad I didn’t say abortion?
Craptastic Thoughts from IBBB Readers!
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IBBB Said,
Like this recap? Well then join me on my Facebook page and let’s get to talking!
http://www.facebook.com/people/Patrick-Varone/1591687454
and follow me on Twitter because that’s always a treat:
And how about Pinterest?
http://www.pinterest.com/theibbb
and let’s try out Google Plus at:
http://plus.google.com/108051753526932667984
Ole!
-IBBB
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Shannon Said,
LMAO! This is THE BEST thing you have EVER WRITTEN!!!! LOL! You would see this on Letterman
)LUV U
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Scooby Said,
Patrick, you are my HERO!
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Lynn Said,
Best. Thing.Ever.
You are awesome! I bow to you!!
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Year Round Brown Said,
Holy crap that was awesome! I love it! Looking forward to Jersey Teen Shore Mom spinoff. Please say you’ll recap? This is like all of my favorite things in one show. And Jman/woww.
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Year Round Brown Said,
PS def your best photoshopping work!
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Mary Said,
You, good sir, are a genius.
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Mary Said,
How in the HELL did you think of those so fast???? Genius. Pure genius.
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Natalie Said,
Patrick, 10 of these should seriously be on lettermans top ten list! Some of these are fanfriggintastic!! Vlasic stork pickles, tequila flavored pedialite, slutty onesies, oh how i love you sir!!
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Anonymous Fetal Alcoholic Said,
Made me laugh: Jmomm, Vlasic stork, and height of the baby!!
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Jessica Said,
Ugly Toddler Incident, bwahahaha! I love you!
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Anita Said,
#17 – hilarious!!!! Died laughing!!!
#20 – too soon man, too soon! -
Rachel Said,
This is your finest work yet!
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Erica Said,
I’m weak… love it!
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Janet's 'stache Said,
#11 – I LOL’d hard!
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J Said,
As a female I am very terrified by #24. What exactly are you meaning? Toothpicks should NEVER go into your cervix. Ouch.
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Meagan Said,
But Snooki hasn’t confirmed this yet
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KittyKat Said,
You’re brilliant and that is all that must be said. Brilliant.
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Tonya Said,
I’m a bit more um, mature, (age wise, not mentality) than you and your readers, and I must admit that was funny…….except for the fact that a BABY is involved. As a mother, it sickens me to think that idiot is about have a baby.
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Katie Said,
I agree with J….ouch, what does #24 mean?!!?! Is it illegal to spray tan a baby? Please say yes.
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ROFL Said,
#22!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YES!
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megaritacuba Said,
Прямо даже не верится
