It was only a matter of time that our beloved Snooki would be shooting a tiny leopard print baby out of her gentlemen greeter. Many of you have emailed IBBB to get my take on this momentous occasion. Here’s what I think Snooki’s pregnancy means for you, me, her and the rest of The America (certain parts of Canada may, of course, look away).
- Fetal Alcohol Syndrome becomes all the rage with “the kids” and t-shirts with sayings like “Down Eyes = No Surprise” start flying off the shelves.
- Breast feeding whilst Jersey Turnpiking becomes a motherhood best practice.
- MADD decides if you drink it through a straw you’re sober enough to drive and, therefore, change their name to “Mothers As Drunk Drivers.”
- Onsies just got a whole lot sluttier.
- The Red Cross starts setting up tents and passing out blankets and coffee directly outside of Snooki’s vagina.
- It’s now all about a watermelon coming out of a pinhole.
- When Ronnie throws Sammi’s bed during their next fight expect to see a crib flying by your screen.
- Tanning salons nationwide now start offering you goggles and pitocin.
- VaDeena automagically goes back to being the thinner meatball.
- Huggies abandons all marketing strategies and decides that sh*tting your pants and the bed is now on trend.
- The baby is instantly the same height as Jionni.
- Snooki’s UTI is now nationally known as having an “Ugly Toddler Incident.”
- The terrorist win.
- Placenta shots become a thing.
- Jealous of all the attention, JWoww flips her “W’s” and now goes by the name “JMomm.”
- Susan G Komen re-reconsiders their planned parenthood support.
- All of a sudden the fact that the Vlasic Pickles mascot is a stork makes complete sense.
- MTV is quickly reediting the opening credits to “I’m going to the Jersey Shore…Memorial Hospital, bitch!”
- Stink-eye is seamlessly replaced by pink-eye.
- Whitney left just in time.
- Pedialyte introduces their new tequila flavor with gummy worm at the bottom of the bottle.
- In retrospect, the dude who punched Snooki in the face during Season 1 kinda seems like a pioneer.
- Britney Spears finally can breathe a sigh of relief.
- Karma starts handing out toothpicks at “da club” so you can now dilate yourself to 6 (at least).
- Child Protective Services quickly removes their hiring freeze.
- Ripped up vag is the Universe’s rebuttal.
Orange you glad I didn’t say abortion?