Feb
17

Everyone on House Hunters is Friggin Bricks

Posted by IBBB

Read More On: house hunters

If anyone is still wondering why the housing market is still in the sh*tter, well wonder no longer because I found the answer: House Hunters. First off, how are there literally 3,495 episodes of this show and second of all and why I have yet to see a repeat once? Oh wait, maybe the first part of that answers the second. Here’s the thing that really gets my goat (rented, of course) about House Hunters, everyone is friggin bricks. These people have a budget of about $25.78 and their realtor takes them to houses that are way the hell over their budget, by roughly $700,000. And no matter what the size of the house is every single couple always says the same thing…every time…which is, of course, “Oh. The bedroom is a little smaller than I would like.” Really? Because I’m pretty sure you’re moving out of a cardboard box/Section 8 housing and Foreclosure, so just be grateful that the living room is big enough for your tacky oversized Bob’s Discount puffy leather sectional that takes up 3/4ths of the room, garbage heap.

And these people find the biggest excuses of why they “may not want the house” which is basically just White Trash bargaining tactics, such as, “The dishwasher seems a little old” or my other favorite, “What ugly color walls.” Here’s a little rule of thumb, if you can’t afford to replace a dishwasher, you can’t afford a mortgage. Someone share that financial tidbit with the lenders, ok? Oh, and thanks to the magic of “science” there’s this substance that’s been invented called “paint.” I hear it comes in at least 3 different colors. See if your wife can get off her fat ass and pitch in with that project, cool? While I’m venting what’s with everyone always needing a spare office? I mean, your housing budget was $80,000 what could you possibly be doing for work where you would need a home office? Unless Walmart gives you a “practice register” to bring home, I’m sure you’re fine with going without that extra room. Maybe you could use it as a “resume writing room?” Just a thought.

And did you notice how there’s never enough closet space? “Oh. We were really hoping for a giant walk-in closet.” Were you really? Suddenly you’re Mariah Carey? Speaking of which, where are you going to display all your Grammy’s? That’s right. You don’t have any and you’re not Mariah Carey. Hang up your clothes the same way that everyone else does. While we’re on this subject, what’s with the the “requirement” that there’s an “on-suite bathroom?” Everyone needs that now. First off, who even knew it was called that? Second, what’s so “caveman” about having to walk out of your bedroom, into the hallway, and then into the bathroom so you can take a nasty dump? And God-forbid these “on-suite bathrooms” don’t have a double sink. Gulp. When the buyer complains about this you can almost hear the skid-marks forming in the realtor’s underpants. At least I can. I have the hearing of a dog. Of course, the next scene is the buyer taking it upon themselves to get in the tub with all their clothes on to see if it’s “big enough” for them. Uh, we’re American’s. Of course we’re too big for the tub. Next.

The prize for me is the gem of an episode where the realtor looks like she could barely pass the real estate exam and is reading off of small note-cards what the square footage is and now many bathrooms the place has. Impressive. This is the same realtor that is visibly pissed off when they’re forced to parade the couple from house to house in a neighborhood that they can’t afford, but the couple won’t budge on their budget or location. Literally, one agent said in every single house she was in, “Well, again, you don’t have the budget for this neighborhood and won’t change your location.” I think at that point even the camera man started to shake. Oh, and when did “The America” make some rule that every single kitchen in every single city across the entire country needs to look exactly the same? We get it: Cherry cabinets, stainless steel appliances, and black granite counter tops. Congratulations, folks, you’ve just created the next generation of “pink tile bathrooms” via the kitchen. When your grandchildren grow up they’re going to go broke trying to replace this sh*t.

Finally, these people always choose the absolute WORST housing option. Out of the three houses we get to see I’m always like, “Oh there’s no way they’ll choose House #2 because it’s built on quick sand.” And next thing you know the couple is like, “We chose House #2! We know it’s going to sink but, well, we like sandcastles!” Horrible. I’m not even kidding (and if you watch the show you know I’m telling the truth) this one couple wanted a finished/updated home and they ended up choosing a house that had no windows, no roof, no floors, and only cinderblocks as walls. I’m not lying. I believe they were in France. Look it up. Speaking of which, House Hunters International? Really? They should warn the American viewer that if you’re watching the international episodes you should be prepared to see homes where you piss and cook in the toilet and you basically sleep in your kitchen. No joke, I once saw a bed come out of the oven. Fine, I made that part up.

Join me on my Facebook page and I’ll show you around my house. You can get into my tub, fully clothed.

45 Comments

Craptastic Thoughts from IBBB Readers!

IBBB Said,
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Ole!

-IBBB
Julia Said,
The worst thing about House Hunters International is that EVERYONE expects their new house/apartment to have the same amenities and be as large as their old house/apartment in the US. You are not in the US moron, the fact that you need vaulted ceilings, stainless steel, granite countertops and a sprawling yard in the middle of Berlin, makes you look like an ass.
donna Said,
and they always pick the house over their budget,id love to see how many have been foreclosed on.
Ibbb4eva Said,
It’s cause house hunters is a huge scam. There was an article the other day about how most of the time te people are already in escrow on the house then go film them “viewing” it and 2 other houses for the show.
Mary Said,
Nice work! You forgot, “This is so spacious”.
Barb`s half-eaten hammmburgah Said,
I love how there is always a young couple (often not married… Hey, wanna buy real estate together? It`s ok, unlike our lack of marriage commitment I am willing to commit to a 30-yr mortgage with you. Maybe.) & just getting ready to graduate. So are they looking at reasonably priced starter homes in well-established neighborhoods or even nice rehabs in up&coming areas? NOooo they`re scoping out 5-bedroom McMansions w/ `open concept` family room & formal entry & formal dining & living room, overlooking the granite-infested kitchen complete with an Oahu-sized island & `eat-in` space.

Oh, wait, no wine closet or humidor? And we were sorta hoping for a separate wrapping paper room & a nursery for our `realistic life-like baby dolls`. Is there at least a space with theater seating for when me and the guys watch sporting events? Aww man, is there a panic room?

Eesh. How do unwed college students have a budget of $487,000 & shit like that anyway? Grampa`s trust fund or just pure b.s.? I really wanna know!
Megan Said,
“Oh, the guest rooms are kinda small.” -says the single woman buying a 3 bedroom house for her & her cats
Leigh Said,
The things that piss me off about House Hunters International are a.) what Julia said, b.) you either have 2 people with low to mid paying jobs (i.e. a part-time piano teacher and a regular teacher) who somehow can afford not only a $300,000 house overseas somewhere on top of the house they already live in, but also 5 months out of the year to be on vacation or c.) some rich greasy oil tycoon and his do-nothing wife who can afford to pay $1,000,000 cash for some place in Greece or something. I don’t know, maybe I’m just jealous. That’s not true–OF COURSE I am jealous. Oh, and d.) the stupid wife of the oil tycoon who does nothing all day (again, maybe I’m jealous) complains about the color of the fricking bathroom walls or something equally stupid on an otherwise perfect vacation home on the beach. Paint the stupid walls or close your eyes while you’re in the bathroom. Or, I don’t know, focus on how the other 99% live with ugly bathrooms in their shitty little real homes in the US that they can’t afford.
I may be a little bitter.
Alyssa Said,
House Hunters International is the best…nothing like an agent trying to boost up the idea that you literally shower over your toilet and your kitchen stove is a gas camping stove.
Isaac's giant sneakers Said,
My favorite part of the show is when they show houses that cost less than the down payment I paid on my house and have 4000 square feet, 5 bedrooms and an acre of land. Taxachusetts sucks but I love it!
Lindsay Said,
LOL! I’d also like to see how many of these couples have gotten divorced, in addition to how many homes have been foreclosed on. This show is so freaking ree-donk-u-lous, but I still love it. Kinda like how Kim Richards still loves her coke, or how Nene still loves to glue her hair on her head, or how Jill still wants to know what everyone thinks about the latkes.

BLONK.
KittenCat Said,
I love when they are looking for a vacation house in the islands and someone will always bitch about the bedrooms being to small or the kitchen doesn’t have stainless steel. You want to know my vacation house? A crappy falling down rental cabin in Wisconsin that I get to use one week a summer because I only get two weeks off a year. So suck it up about the small bedrooms in your second HOUSE in the ISLANDS.
alwayssunny Said,
@Isaac’s giant sneakers
that drives me crazy too! they’re in like alabama and there’s some giant brick house with like a movie theater and a game room and it’s $145,000! you can buy a trailer in mass for that much money or maybe a closet in boston.

the walmart “practice register” in the “office” cracked me up. learning which keys to press is hard y’all.
Snarkatussin Said,
My favorite is Property Virgins, specifically when the buyer asks the price of the house, to which the Realtor responds, “How much do you think it is?” Bricks.
Jenn Said,
Big follower, you’re hillarious! Had to comment… These people complain about bad color walls first of all don’t you want to clean up the place and make it your own and second they should have house hunters come to north jersey where you’re lucky if the owners flush the toilet before the showing and still ask top dollar for the house. Love the show but makes me sick what you get for your money in some areas but I’ll take my overpriced cozy home in a great location over the Midwest any day.
Suzie Q Said,
I love the see if your wife can get off her fat ass and pitch in with the project.
Or she could pretend to do it herself. I mean paints only 20 bucks a can and you can get day labors at any Home Depot standing outside. She could offer up her hot pocket in exchange and her husband is none the wiser.
That’s right. I am always using my noggin.
Janelle's Ugly Toes Said,
I love the people going from houses out in suburbia and suddenly want to move to the city and can’t understand why the price is tripled and the rooms are 1/10 the size…they are used to watching Friends and Sex and the City where all the people live in these giant apts…what they don’t realize is that city living in almost every city will NEVER match up what you can get out in the country…..take the train…commute…or shower in your kitchen and sleep in your mailbox.

This was especially hilarious watching a young couple from the countryside in England move to London. I think they got divorced driving home, right after the realtor shot herself.
Kail's Big Brown Headband Said,
ohmygod, patrick i needed this. got into an accident today on top of feeling like shit. heart you forever. i about died on the walking out of your bedroom to take a nasty dump. My current house is a 1 br/1bath from the 1920s with an add-on bathroom off the kitchen (sexy). And it’s on the opposite end of the house from my bedroom. So after reading your craptastic blog in my bed, I have to get off my ass and stumble thru the kitchen to take my nasty dump. Then eat some day-old lasagna on the kitchen counter that now smells like poop. and the cycle continues. hooray.
L-Train Said,
I’m pretty sure House Hunters is fake and I know that House Hunters Intl is for sure. I knew someone that was on the show and they were appraoched by the show to be on it after they bought it. They were paid $2,000 to be on the show and the crew moved all their furniture into a spare room they didn’t film. After they were done taping the film crew put all their furniture back to where it was before. I’m not going to lie, I was heart broken! I love watching these lame shows and knowing it’s fake ruined the magic.
However, when I watch it now I try and make a game out of it and try to figure out what property the house hunter is lying about. It must be weird to go into the place you’re living and pretend you’ve never seen it before.
The Other Lindsay Said,
Did anyone see the one that was on last night that looked like Margaret Cho who just haaaaaaaad to have an effing DOGGIE DOOR?! It was literally a must have. I wanted to facepalm 1237982374923948 times.
Tiffany Said,
YESSSS! You hit the nail on the head with this one. Everything you described about HH, is to a T! It drives me insane when they get into the bath-tubs!!
RossandRachel4Life Said,
Oh Patrick, me gusta this mucho. I’d like to add about the kitchens (so true by the way) about all of the times they tour it and the realtor calls it a “gourmet” kitchen because it has stainless steel appliances. Say what? I’m sorry but unless your stove begins with a V and ends with an “iking,” you are not a gourmand. Also- the people who turn down the house because they don’t like the wall colors or a light fixture. As if they don’t live down the road from a Home Depot.
Barb`s half-eaten hammmburgah Said,
Yes, yes on errything. How in hell is a young unwed couple who are in or getting ready to graduate from college able to afford a housing budget of like $487,000 (or what the f other ridiculous price tag)?! Are they using Grampa`s trust fund, did they win MegaMillions lotto, or is this just straight-up b.s.? In all seriousness I really wanna know bc clearly I am doing something wrong, being a 40-ish working professional (No, not *that* kind!) & I am living in a `cozy` (read: `teeny tiny`) mid-century rancher trash heap that I can barely afford. [sorry for tmi, y`all!... Awwkward!]

What ever happened to getting a reasonably-priced little starter home in a decent established neighborhood, or a nice rehab in an up&coming area? No? At least they haven`t shown any trailer parks. Which. Is somewhat disappointing, really.
Long time IBBB fan Said,
Did you see the one where she kept telling the realtor that the home HAD to have a doggie door. I kept yelling at my TV “Tell that b*tch that the doggie doors don’t come with houses! You can install one on any door you want yourself!” Uggggghhhh they can be SO stupid!
Michele Said,
“Oh, there’s lots of natural light!” I’ve heard this in so many episodes I cringe when I hear it now.

Love love love your blog….been reading it since the Justin Bobby days!
Brooke Said,
I have nothing witty or interesting to add…just know that I love this blog and think you’re genius!
Gypsy Said,
I love you for this post… HH and HHi are shows I love to hate. I love the crazy bitches that complain about the wall colors and appliances. The best one ever was the one where the woman was complaining about the curtains. CURTAINS. I’m pretty sure the sellers would take them with them otherwise they’re pretty easy to replace, you idiot.

And what the hell did people do before stainless steel appliances and granite countertops, anyway?

What’s sad is how refreshing it is when they actually do feature a young couple with a modest income and they’re looking at regular, run of the mill houses, with *gasp* white appliances and older countertops…
Summer Said,
Gypsy, I remember that episode! She bitched about EVERYTHING, including the pink walls of a little girl’s bedroom. Paint is like $20-$20/gallon you stupid bitch! And curtains?!? Really??? Personally, I find the granite/stainless/cherry cabinets (very accurate, btw) really boring. If they were smart they’d buy a slight fixer-upper and be able to build some sweat equity. I’d also like to point out that they nearly always go for the most expensive home. You know, the one where they’re fearfully saying how much of a stretch it will be and how it’s on the very upper end of their budget. And we wonder why we have a foreclosure crisis on our hands right now? Greedy idiot buyers, that’s why!
MilaniaForPresident Said,
Haha. I’m watching it right now. FML. Does anyone know what #HHBingo means in the corner of the screen??? Please tell me there is a game that goes along with this craptastic program…
Tonya Said,
Yes, HH is fake. Totally. People who have already bought a home pretend to be shopping. So one is their house and the other two have been chosen by producers. The walk-throughs, discussions, phone calls, etc, all FAKE. Totally pissed me off when I read that.
Miss W Said,
How many times in an episode do they say ‘oh wow!’. Auugghh so annoying.
Not Goggles Said,
My parents watch this show, it is beyond annoying. All I’m saying is, if you’re willing to drop half a million dollars on some house that isn’t all that great, why don’t you quit b*tching and build your own house with your “gourmet kitchen” and “doggie doors” and the like. This show pisses me off, to say the least. Especially the international version. Buying a mansion is so stressful. Bricks.

IBBB, me gusta this blog.
funkster166 Said,
I just watched House Hunters International last night ( nothing else to watch on a Friday night). It was a couple living in Ireland. She was american and the husband was from Ireland. Anyway the husband wanted a fixer upper, but had to have a huge backyard. They kept calling it a garden,,which confused me. She wanted a move in ready home. Aside from the hidious choices..I could not get past the fact that the wife already had an Irish accent. Really? The last house was like650,000 and had the worse carpet I ever seen and Ugly. That backyard was big enough to fit a football field, but the husband wanted more room for his kids to run. Seriously? So what did they choose the 2nd fixer upper that was the worst out of all. Of course the Kitchen had to go because it was probably remodeled 5 yrs ago and wasn’t up to par.
funkster166 Said,
Actually I would LOVE if they did a trailer park house hunters! the biggest issue would be if the trailer could be moved or if the kitchen could actually fit a table in the kitchen.

I live in one..so I am not judging and guess what? My glorious bathroom as two sinks! I’m living the lap of luxury for sure, but I don’t have granite counters and stainless steel appliances. Hell I can’t even fit a dishwasher in my kitchen and my stove is from the 70’s, I think they call that retro.. What sucks is I make more then some of these couples and can’t afford a home..wtf??
Suzie Q Said,
Trailer park house hunters would be GOLD. Funkster166 please submit your idea ASAP I would totally watch that.
Allyse Said,
lol my parents watch this show ALL the time…and we love making fun of how bricks the people on there are. My favorite line is “We’re looking for a home with an oceanfront view…” and they end up picking the one that’s like 3 miles away from the ocean
TakesSteak Said,
House Hunters International literally gives me anxiety. Having lived abroad for years, I know what they’re in for (it’s similar to how I can also no longer what those “child birth” shows on TLC after enduring a 30 hour labor).
Bitch Jungle Said,
i really miss Susanne Wong. Those were the days. back then they even had captions that said, “House 22, House 9, etc”

i really hate when stupid bitches want a brand new Ryan Home. Seriously, those homes are crap and, like, everything else these days, are not built to last.
withdrawal Said,
It drives me crazy that every woman on the show makes the same joke about the closet space and says to her husband/fiance…”This is great, but where are you going to put your stuff?” Every single time. Without fail. And it’s never funny.
Yvette Said,
“practice register” HAHAHA love it. Just had to re-read this again for a good laugh.
donna Said,
on one episode the were looking at rvs.yes,rvs.they cost more than some houses.
donna Said,
*they.
jill Said,
Ibbb you sound like a modern daY George carlin. Puregoldjerry.
MJ Said,
HH International is the WORST. “We want a very traditional Tuscan villa” then they bitch about it not having a big gourmet kitchen. Listen these bitches cook over the open flame and have their washing machine next to the fridge. You are what is wrong with America.
DD Said,
LMFAO! Yep. And I’d kill for that pink bathroom that runs them all off. I have one bathroom, chipped paint, exposed pipes, breaker box on the wall, shower from hell I share with my grandkid. These house hunters piss me off. International? OMG. A million bucks to live like an animal in a cave. But, it has a view. Can I tell you how vomitous I am of ‘the view’? Are you fuckers gonna stand in front of your window for life? Really? IDIOTS.