Feb
08

Teen Mom 2: The One Where You Have to Tell Your Mom You Was a Slut, Y’all!

Posted by IBBB

Read More On: teen mom 2 recap

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Jenelle – You gotta love an episode that kicks things off with a little b*tchfest between Barbarella and Jenelle! Could they be fighting over the fact that they can barely afford their mortgage? No. Could they be fighting over the fact that Jace has ruined both of their lives? Nope. They’re simply fighting over where in the holy hell Jenelle’s pants are. Apparently Barb has washed them for her and placed them somewhere but, ooops, she can’t seem to remember where. When Jenelle asks about them Barb spouts out, “Shut yaw God damn mouf, Jenelle!” Ahhh Barb. Her sweet soft voice soothes my soul and makes my junk spring to life. Am I sharing too much? While she’s looking for her pants I’m shocked she’s hasn’t put out an A.P.B on her blue crusty hoodie. I mean, I alone have already put a picture of it on every milk carton this side of the Mason Dixon in hopes that someone will see it and bring it back into our lives, like a modern version of Savannah Smiles. As a sidenote, my sister and I used to watch Savannah Smiles on our VCR until the tape was about to bust. Kidnapping always seemed like it was so fun and some real adventure in the countryside. Oh Bootsie. Moving on.

Jenelle, who I’m pretty sure hasn’t smiled once since her 16 & Pregnant episode 2 years ago, is under court order to not hang out with any of her friends who have pending drug charges or takes drugs. That pretty much sums up everyone in her life…including Barb’s boyfriend, Mike. Notice how we haven’t seen him in a spell and haven’t experienced anything Pirate-related in a while? Not just a coincidence, my friends (oh yeah!). She is, however, able to call her druggies on the phone and chit chat all the live-long-day like it’s a 1980’s party-line. She, of course, calls Queen LaQueefer. I’m surprised they don’t communicate via two tin cans and a real long strong that makes its way all the way to the grassy knoll. Regardless, Jenelle decides that the best thing for her and her dirty lover to do is to break up. Gulp. I’ll give everyone a moment to wipe the tears from their cheeks and chisel away the skidmarks from their underwear. It’s fine. I’ll wait. Ready? Ok, Special K agrees that they should break up, but wants Jenelle to know that it will take “years” to get over her. Hahaha. Oh Keiffah. Just by the one statement alone I know that “yaw high/high.” You totally know that the second he hangs up he’s going to let that random chick on the knoll finish bobbing for apples in his lap. Crab apples, most likely, but apples of some sort nonetheless.

Per usual, Jenelle is at her breaking point because she’s hardcore addicted to marijuana cigarettes. For real. Since she can’t smoke it (court ordered) for one year she’s pretty much ready to murder-suicide the piss out of Barb’s bungalow. I mean, can you really be addicted that badly to weed? Isn’t that sorta like my addiction to lime seltzer water? Same/same. Sure I can shank someone over it, but I’m sure I can stop at any time. Either way, Jenelle needs to have a little sit-down with Barb to chat about all things addiction and realizes that she should probably go to rehab so she can finally get off the drug that can be legally prescribed to people with glaucoma, I believe. Oh, and Joan Rivers. You’re basically “hooked on the junk” that Joan Rivers has done on an episode of her reality show. There are so many things wrong with that sentence. Eh, circle gets the square. Barb gets all misty-eyed when she talks about Jenelle getting her life back on track. I’m sure she probably got a little misty in her underpants too because she’s finally going to get some much needed private time with Pirate Mike and his (wink wink) hook. She’ll likely yell out things in the heat of the moment like, “Yaw a god damn animal Mike!” and “Arrrrrg I love yaw pirate ways you tall drink of wataaah!” And the like.

Jenelle is bricks and, therefore, needs to go see her lawyer multiple times this episode so she can figure out how the hell to go to rehab. Not that I think that rehab is a waste for Jenelle, but couldn’t she just shadow Barb at her job at Walmart for the weekend? That would scare her straight, I’d assume. You wanna slice deli meat in a blue shirt every day until retirement (which will most likely be at the age of 76 by the time Jenelle is eligible) you lil b*tch like Barb? Well then stop smoking pot! At least kick it up to meth or something. I mean, I wanna see a complete facial change by season 3. I guess it makes sense that Jenelle did visit her lawyer about this whole rehab situation because apparently after a little time has passed, he’s got her a scholarship to a rehab in California. I’m going to repeat that. Jenelle got a “scholarship” to rehab. Scholarship. Does that exist? Does this mean in return she has to play basketball for them or something? I’m confused by most things in life, but this the most.

In the end, things get a little sad for Jenelle…and America, but mainly because Barb turns into a blubbering mess. It’s just hours away from Jenelle flying out to California for her rehab stint and two things really stand out to me. (1) Barb is dressed like a stick-ball player on the streets of Brooklyn circa 1945 and (2) why does Jenelle have some sort of cast on for a hot minute? It’s never referenced. Let’s just all assume Barb twisted it back whilst trying to make a citizens arrest. My favorite part, of course, was how hours before Jenelle is leaving for “the ‘hab” Barb is celebrating with a glass of red wine. She is legit so excited. I bet she’s doubling down on Jenelle leaving in 4 hours and the plane exploding mid air. When Jenelle has to say bye to Jace I thought it would be sad, but he was basically like “See ya, b*tch!” Things got real when it was time to say bye to Barb and Barb just cries over and over again. She says she’s going to miss Jenelle, but is certainly not going to miss the “dramaaaaa.” Oh Barb, I’ll miss you! It was great how this went from a typical episode of Teen Mom and morphed into a standard episode of Intervention, including the tearful goodbye outside of the cab with a lot of “bye’s!” being yelled from inside the cab when the person outside the cab can’t hear you. Combining Teen Mom and Intervention was, clearly, the only direction to go in. Me gusta. Me gusta all of it.

Leah – Hey y’all! I’m signin’ my divorce papers in bubble-letters, y’all! Things get real and real quick when Corey confronts Leah right off the bat about a little rumor that he’s heard about her. Apparently, Leah has a problem with her legs too, y’all! She can’t keep ‘em closed. Someone dial up the geneticist because she’s might have some form of dysplasia of the vagina, y’all! Ok, I’m done with the “y’all!” (y’all!). Just 1 week before Leah got married to a real life woodchuck, she let another man set up shop in her vagiola. She had sex. And she did it with that kid Robbie. You may remember him from Leah’s episode of 16 & Ouchies and also remember him from Leah’s first affair. As Corey confronts Leah, she just keeps typing away on her pink cell phone with her pink (gross) nails. Corey suddenly starts to cross-examine Leah by asking her brilliant questions like, “Was yous ring on y’alls fingers?” And my other favorite, “Was you lookins at its?” If I were Leah I would have been like, “Are you giving me a recipe for easy to bake blueberry muffins because I have no clue what you’re saying.” Seriously, I’m buying a ticket to Western Vagina and packing a suitcase full of flashcards for this one. We’re doing things like “2 x 2″ and “Picture Association.” We’ll get to things about “Subject/Predicate/Preposition” on the next trip. However, Leah comes clean that she cheated on Corey a week before the wedding because she was “drunk” and Corey was “distant” and they were “fighting” before the wedding. Way to put all the blame on the woodchuck and your six pack of Seagrams. At this point, Leah is crying and morphing into our beloved Lauren Conrad with makeup and tears running all down her face. She looks like a raccoon in heat, which is fitting because I’m pretty sure that after the divorce she’ll be eating out of the garbage like a raccoon too. I’m kidding. Clearly, she’s already doing that.

After more crying and more ugly crying (see: Farrah) and saying that she never wanted to hurt Corey and she still loves him (and Corey crying all whilst keeping his mouth ajar the whole time) they end the white trash fight in the only way that white trash really knows…which is by asking, “So are you still going to move into the trailer with me?” Ba da ba ba ba, I’m lovin’ it. I literally shouted out, “YES, JESUS!” as soon as I heard that. Sadly, Corey doesn’t know if he’s going to move into the trailer with his sex-crazed wife and needs some space for the time being so Leah and the babies are going to stay with Leah’s mom. Leah’s mom thinks she’s staying there because the trailer isn’t ready yet, but she has no clue her daughter doubled-down on some ex-boyfriend dinky 7 days before she got married at the local VFW all whilst the camera crew from US Weekly was there taking pictures and, you know, paying them for all this.

Meanwhile, Corey is at home and having some sort of conversation with his look-alike dad about the whole situation. I actually have no idea what they’re talking about because I can barely understand a thing they’re saying. At one point I thought my TV was on that SAP option that happens from time to time. I mean, MTV, if you’re not going to provide subtitles for “the poors” it’s going to be tough to follow along. Corey’s dad thinks he’s making the right decision by not getting back with Leah (that whore!) and even offers up his own divorce lawyer to help out with the situation. Eh, I guess that beats Googling for a lawyer which, of course, is what Leah has to do in a few more minutes. Speaking of which, I love how Leah is telling her friend about cheating on Corey and her friend looks like she can “catch skank” by simply hearing this conversation. Even through the conversation, Leah still pretty much makes it seem like it was all Corey’s fault. I can’t wait for Dr. Drew and his Weeble hair to get a hold of this one. Someone cue the “ugly cry” because it’s going to be happening again for sure.

Shortly after the conversation with her friend, Leah does finally hear from Corey again…but via text. He won’t return any of her calls but is ok with communicating via short-easy-to-read messages which is fine with me because at least I can finally understand what the hell he’s saying. Over text he ends up saying that he doesn’t love her anymore and he’s getting a lawyer. Now we didn’t read the word “lawyer” but Leah said it out loud. Actually she said, “law-yuh.” Like it was two words. “He’s got a law-yuh.” At first I was like, is that an STD that Leah gave to Corey? And you know what? I just may be. It. Just. May. Be.

Leah ends up having to spill the beans to her mom that she is basically a slut. In fact, she basically had to admit to everyone that she was a skank this whole episode. Put a cork in it, y’all! The whole time Leah is on the porch telling her mom what happened, I can’t help but notice that she’s sporting a Kim Zolciak fright wig. It’s like she’s all ready in hiding. Her mom is actually pretty nice about the whole thing and hugs Leah after she tells her she had another mans bait in her tackle box. But, per usual, Leah still throws Corey under the bus and says that they hadn’t had sex in a week and so Robbie was there for her…peniley, I suppose. Her mom agrees that Leah also needs to get a “law-yuh” because she’s got to protect those babies! In the end, Leah ends up Googling “law-yuh” in West Virginia and sets up a meeting to discuss the situation. My favorite part is when she needs to tell the lawyer that she’s only been married for 6-months and you can actually hear the lawyer sigh over the phone. Brilliant. We learn that Corey has not, in fact, filed for divorce yet, but the lawyer ends up basically forcing Leah to file and so she signs the petition papers in typical bubble letters and cries her way out of the office. She should give her kids up for adoption too. That way she’ll have more time for “the banging.” You know how that saying goes. “If the trailer is rockin’….it was probably a FEMA trailer and is probably covered in asbestos.” At least that’s how I think that saying goes.

Kail – I’m keeping this one short, as when MTV puts this show on for 90 minutes it makes me want to pull a Jenelle/Barb fight with myself in my apartment. All we need to know is that there is a little love connection sparking up between the Cowardly Lion and Rizzo the Rat from the Muppets. You see, it all starts because Jo wants to add a visit to Kail and Issac/Isaac during the week because his weekends are getting a little busy because he’s….wait for it…wait for it….take a shot of pitocin….wait for it…slap your own ass…wait for it…has a music video shoot coming up. Hooray! If this video doesn’t consist of Janet in “Hammer pants” with a Hypercolor T-shirt and big hoop earrings doing the Running Man for 30 seconds followed by the Roger Rabbit for 30 seconds I’m going to be bullsh*t! And if any of you try to pretend Janet isn’t really Nenah Cherry, 20 years later, you’re sadly mistaken. I mean, you totally know Janet was rocking the Buffalo Stance. You know it, I know it, and Janet’s ’stache knows it.

Jordan is all freaked out by these “during the week” visits and at first I couldn’t figure out why, but then quickly realized that Kail may have the same vaginal disease that Leah has. She can’t keep things out of it. Allegedly. The flirting starts off slowly with a “feel my heart…no really, feel it. Feel it. Feel my heart.” Last time I checked your heart isn’t down your underpants. Maybe it is. I’ll check. Nope. It isn’t. But I did find a penis down there. It says hello. Regardless, all this awkward flirting must be paying off because Jo has decided to forget about his appeal to pay less child support. Seriously, Kail must have a magical vag! Jordan gets pissed off that Jo is coming over during the week and Kail doesn’t ease his fears because she’s admitting that it does increase the chances that she’ll have feelings for him again. That’s nice. Gotta love these girls who grew up without a daddy. Oh, and please don’t send me hate-mail. I’m sure not everyone who grew up without a dad tries to find acceptance from all sorts of men, but I’m pretty sure that I’m right. And that’s not based on statistics or studies. Nope. It’s just based on me reeeeaaaalllly thinking it so that must make a fact, right?

As a bonus we got to hear a snippet of Jo rapping via Kail’s phone. Love it. If I close my eyes I can almost hear Janet beat-boxing the sh*t out of it in the background. God I love that woman. Seriously. Jo comes over one more time to spend a little time with Issac/Isaac and possibly dip his ding dong in Kail cup-o-milk. You can cut the sexual tension with a knife (probably the one that’s in Jordan’s back) after they’re reading Humpty Dumpty to the baby. Must have been all the times they had to read the word “Humpty” out loud. In the end they put Issac/Isaac to bed and Jo asks Kail if he should leave and she says he can stay…and then they close the bedroom door! Oh snap! They must have successfully seen the wizard, but the Cowardly Lion certainly got some courage that night! See what I did there?

Chelsea – Still doesn’t have her GED.

So. Here we are again. Why not join me on my Facebook page where all the fun really happens. You know you want to. Tell a friend. Spread the word. Click the “Recommend” button and let’s make this recap spread around the Interweb as much as Leah has spread prior to marriage.

More Teen Mom Fun:
I Ain’t Bath-ing No Babies!
When Bad Hair Happens to Chinless Teens
Cheese Puffs, the Walking Splints of West Virginia
Here Comes Corey Claus Right Down Trailer Trash Lane
Birthday Gifts from Barb
The One Where Everyone Gets Orange Sweaters
Welcome to the World of West Virginian Medicine, Y’all!
Season Premiere: Jenelle and Barb Brawl on the Front Lawn, Ya Lil B*tch!
Let’s Talk About Teen Mom on My Facebook Page!

108 Comments

Craptastic Thoughts from IBBB Readers!

IBBB Said,
Like this recap? Well then join me on my Facebook page and let’s get to talking!

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and follow me on Twitter because that’s always a treat:

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Ole!

-IBBB
Joyce Said,
My favorite part was how Leah was so scared that Goggles and Not Goggles might get “tookin” away. Brilliant.
donna Said,
its funny you mentioned leah in kails segment because he tweeted to corey last night they should find some faithful girls.
donna Said,
i loved seeing randyliciouses dentist office in the unseen moments.now we know how he can support chelsea ,her sister,their mom ,his wife..and everyone else in that town.
QueenofCorona Said,
After all that happened last night I went to sleep wondering if Barb aspires for bigger, better things in life….such as becoming a lunch lady in a school cafeteria. She was destined to be a lunch lady, “You’ll have some peas and carrots, you little whorah.” Down in lunch lady land. Sloppy joe, slop sloppy joe.
Jenelle's Curly Eyebrow Said,
Omg. The Savannah Smiles reference?? Bananas!
HiHorse Said,
Leah shut down her ‘fan page’ on FB because everyone there agreed she was a whore, except for a few who are probably also whores. Couldn’t take the heat I guess.

TeamWoodchuckFTW

Oh, and he needs a DNA test STAT!
Felicity Said,
Corey was entirely too calm during all of that. What. A. Whore. And then to blame him? Gross.

Did anyone notice Barb channeling Pauly D with her shout of “Cab’s he-ah!”? I was so excited.
kerry Said,
leah probably had corey crying into his hat, tears dripping down the strings. cheating whore.

that $400 check is probably the last randy will ever see from chelsea.

ibbb you and i are > . < here, as i too can't get enough of seltzer water! it's like guilt free soda but you have to drink it fast so the fizz won't subside
QueenofCorona Said,
Also, who else doesn’t believe that Chelsea Washington didn’t really pass her practice GED test? She gets excited over lip gloss and balloon figurines yet acted like the long awaited GED test ain’t no thang. I call BS.
Jenny Said,
I love the pictures of crying Leah, Oprah and Farrah’s ugly cry! I was so looking forward to this morning when I could read your recap!
donna Said,
i think that was a pretest she passed,not the real thing.
donna Said,
also,i loved the look on dawns face when she figured out what leah was saying.
Mary W. Said,
Nenah Cherry? My old fart ass found that amazingly funny.

The scholarship for rehab concept also left my mouth hanging ajar. I really don’t think Jennelle has a high GPA or anything.

Missed you (ya’ll) and glad you’re (your) back!
donna Said,
what do you have to do to get a scholarship to rehab?be the best at smoking weed?
39 & Not Pregnant Said,
Bonus points for the Savannah Smiles reference!

I absolutely loved how Leah blamed the affair on Corey withholding sex from her a week before their wedding. It’s a week trash bag and clearly you’ve had plenty already. Not to mention that was about the time that Corey had the massively snotty nose, remember? Who would want to have sex with that?!
alwayssunny Said,
in the middle of jo’s video i really want janet to have her own solo in which she does left eye’s rap from waterfalls. or maybe she and i can make our own salt n pepa tribute video in “the studio” and put it on youtube.
Lisa :] Said,
haha that just made me sad I missed Teen Mom 2 for work
Jenny Said,
Does anyone know what show is going to be next? Is it going to be a season of 16 & pregnant? Or Teen Mom?
Scooby Said,
alwayssunny: Yes! to the Salt N Pepa Tribute. Though if yaw gonna go theeaaah, I’d go with a soul-stirring rendition of “Push It”, with Janet booty-clapping in the background in chunky gold earrings with her name on them and her moustache blowing in the breeze. Now THAT I would watch!
QueenofCorona Said,
@Donna, yes. I still call BS on her pre test. She drags her feet over the GED for two years and supposedly passes the pretest and doesn’t make a stink over it? Thats not the Chelsea Washington I know.
IBBB Said,
Hahah I forgot about the “cabs ahhh heeeaah!” from our beloved Barb.

P.S., only skanks have leopard checks…

-IBBB
Erin Said,
@Felicity, I also noticed Barb sounding like Pauly D when the cab pulled up. Too funny!

How about when Jenelle was saying how hard it was to quit smoking because she has smoked “every single day for the past 6 years”….so apparently she never quit when she was pregnant with Jace? Great.

Do we know for sure where Barb and her accent are from? In the unseen moments, she was making doughboys and getting wicked pissed because they weren’t coming out right. She HAS to be from New England, right?!

P.S. I almost died when I read the Savannah Smiles reference! I hadn’t thought of that movie in years but I used to watch it all the time when I was little too. I can’t believe you mentioned that! HAHA
Bitch Jungle Said,
was this episode 90 minutes? i think i fell asleep.
Justlikehoneyboobooboo Said,
” If this video doesn’t consist of Janet in “Hammer pants” with a Hypercolor T-shirt and big hoop earrings doing the Running Man for 30 seconds followed by the Roger Rabbit for 30 seconds I’m going to be bullsh*t! And if any of you try to pretend Janet isn’t really Nenah Cherry, 20 years later, you’re sadly mistaken. I mean, you totally know Janet was rocking the Buffalo Stance.”

I literally ugly cried for about 5 minutes because I was laughing so hard after I read this. Genius! You so brought me back to the 5th grade.
Skank Ho's Ya'll Said,
I just stumbled on this blog last week and LOVE it! Your recaps are spot on and the comments are awesome…This is my new favorite Teen Mom site…Moving on, Leah is a ho bag and I don’t think she’s that great of a mother to her kids. If others recall, she was/is always dumping them off onto family members (mostly Corey’s) for the night/weekend whatever, um, that’s not good parenting…Jennelle is a mess, but gotta love Bawb!…Chelsea ‘claims’ she’s helping daddy pay for her bills, um, I don’t think ‘year round oompa loompa’ is paying that much. Oh, and no way in hell bricks passed that test. Randy-un-licious is known as an enabler…Kail, YAWN…
Janelle's Ugly Toes Said,
OMG I do remember Corey’s disgusting stuffed nose.. that’s the night he told her marry me or we are through when she suggested they were rushing into things….it was gross…does that make Leah not a whore? No. But..I would never want to go near that either. Ok, even without a stuffed nose I wouldn’t go near Corey he grosses me out..and so does Kail’s bf with that high squeaky voice and so does Adam and Keiffer…lets face it the taste that these girls have in men is for shit.
Love that you are back recapping…I almost had to go to recapping rehab.
KittyKat aka Chelsea's lip herp Said,
Welcome back! Great recap per usual!

I love how Leah wants to blame things in Corey. I’m sorry, but of you eff someone else a WEEK before you get married, you have some problems and will be a lifelong cheater. Aren’t brides supposed to be on a fictional cloud of happiness during that time? I don’t know. I’ve never been married (nor do I plan to be) but that’s just what I’ve seen from others. So, to sum this up, Leah is a skank whore. I feel bad for poor Corey and his woodchuck mumbles. I want to send him a sympathy hat. Y’all.

I want a scholarship to rehab! Free vacation FTW! And I want Barb to announce when my cab has arrived, Pauly D style.
Corey's Boogers Said,
Your recaps are EPIC. MARRY ME?
the2v's Said,
Leah – a week? A WEEK? You go and cheat on Woodchuck after a week of no peek-a-boo? I call farce! You know that little b*tch of a whore was out canoodling with all the locals because she doesn’t care. And was really drunk? WTF, where the hell were her kids?! I mean, she isn’t even 21 and was this at like some minor bachlorette party? C’mon, we all know (and so does Corey) that she was f*cking others for a loooooong time. They are both to blame because their communication is so weak.

Chelse-ah – OH FOR THE LOVE OF BABY JESUS, Please STOP Tanning! You look so discolored all over! Did you notice her hands were all discolored compared to her arms and face? Her face had 3 different tones! Also, it isn’t hard to get a GED, it stands for “Good Enough Diploma”. How did she get a job without one? I hate that, and all of them with their bangs. I never knew bangs started at your ear. And then for the whole episodes they are moving their “bangs” out of their faces, f*cking retarded! Just be an adult and have adult hair. Goodness Sake!

Janelle – I hate her guts. I wish she would just eat a bullet on PPV for my pleasure. And by eat a bullet I hope she has a .45 with a hollow tip.

Kail – You’re a whore too! Jo is looking for a booty call, and Jordan looks like a 10 y/o that hit puberty to early. Gross on both parts. They all need to pack their bags and move to an island away from cameras, shitty baby-daddies and mother drama.
Jenny Said,
I noticed one of Leah’s twins was drinking from a bottle of who knows what that had been there for who knows how long. I will never have any idea why Jenelle decided to have/keep Jace.
QueenofCorona Said,
@Jenny-yes! She’s literally going on and on at that moment about she cannot lose custody of the girls while non-goggles is chugging from god knows what….hopefully not Cory’s spit bottle.
Darling Nikki Said,
I love Corey numbah 2 saying to Corey numbah1 “When she goes down the road tanning theres always gonna be in the back of ya mind that shes cheating” oh and Randylicious’s mcmansion is living proof hes either a dentist by day hitman by night or well just pimping out Bricks
CrackinUp Said,
I love how Barbs and Jenelle drop the F-bomb around Jace likes its a common/OK thing to say all the time in front of kids. Really nice! You know what his first word will be.

Leah wears so much damn eye make-up i dont even understand how she can see?! you would think her eyes would be sealed shut by now!
Chelsea- does she own anything other than sweatpants????! nope, apparently not.

I miss Janet– she was only in maybe 1 or 2 episodes this season, and that hurt!!! She better show her face on the reunion special! PLEASSSEE!
CrackinUp Said,
PS. there is NO way in living hell Chelsea passed the pre-test or whatever it was called for her GED!! she basically never studied and is bricks– so i dont buy it!! i want proof!
Carp Said,
You know why you haven’t seen Janelle’s crusty sweatshirt? Because it grew legs and got the F out of there.

I love you Patrick.
My UTI Smells Like Pickle Juice Said,
When Jo was flirting with Kail I was convinced I was going to die from second hand embarassment.

P.S. – Is it wrong that I want to be the cream in the Leah and Chelsea orange creamsicle
Legend Said,
leah’s got more chins than a chinese phonebook. yeah I said it.
anggg Said,
felicity– haha i thought the same thing i thought it was going to be mentined in the recap
Raquel Said,
@CrackinUp speaking of first words, why aren’t any of these kids talking yet? My kid could speak better than Leah when he was a year old. Then again, at 16 I was taking the SAT’s not spreading my legs in a trailer.

also, this season? too much leopard, not enough Janet.
Anna Said,
“Yaw a god damn animal Mike!”

I love you.
feather Said,
in the unseen moments, janelle is given the task of describing herself in 3 words…..and she chooses one to be: smart!???? SMART! im no pyschologist….but i think that is the root of all problems. well that and kieffah. smart & janelle dont belong in the same sentence. everrrrrrrrr
Erin Said,
@ “My UTI”, I completely agree about the second embarassment with Jo and Kail’s “flirting”. I was mortified! I had to look away.
KittyKat aka Chelsea's lip herp Said,
Your comment blocker hates me when I use my iPad. It’s technology racist.
KittyKat aka Chelsea's lip herp Said,
Welcome back! Great recap per usual!

I love how Leah wants to blame things in Corey. I’m sorry, but of you eff someone else a WEEK before you get married, you have some problems and will be a lifelong cheater. Aren’t brides supposed to be on a fictional cloud of happiness during that time? I don’t know. I’ve never been married (nor do I plan to be) but that’s just what I’ve seen from others. So, to sum this up, Leah is a skank whore. I feel bad for poor Corey and his woodchuck mumbles. I want to send him a sympathy hat. Y’all.

I want a scholarship to rehab! Free vacation FTW! And I want Barb to announce when my cab has arrived, Pauly D style.

@the2vs– GED actually stands for General Education Diploma. The fact that none of these girls havent completed their educational “goals” isn’t due to their children. Lazy people will be lazy. They’re just using their children as a scapegoat.
JonA Said,
Jenelle – I also noticed how it seemed like Barb was having a celebratory glass of vino the night before the little bit*h dawtah was to leave town. Jenelle is such scum. Really? Addicted to weed? Grow up.

Leah – Is it wrong that sometimes I think Corey’s a little sexy. You know, in a retarded str8 boy kinda way. Ok I shouldn’t have admitted that. Anyway Leah is a ho, but at least with the dee-vorce she can have as many suitors over as her muffin pleases.

Kail – Am I the only one that finds it odd that Jo now has an actual personality. The whole season (and the previous one) you would have thought he just had a lobotomy. And the fact that him and Kail find each other attractive is so gross. I’ll say it again – Issac is going to be one ugly mofo.

Chelsea – This chick is the epitome of annoying American trash. Too much tanning, too much makeup, too much hair, too much leopard print. It’s like “tacky” is a look to aspire to in South Dakota. Get your GED so you can become shift leader at the tanning bed and then shut the F up.
Kate Said,
Welcome back, Patrick! Another week without a recap & I would have had to apply for a “scholarship” to IBBB rehab to handle the withdrawal between no recap AND the Teen Mom board on TWOP getting locked yet again. I was cracking up before I even read the first word- the gallery of crying faces is just too awesome! As a side note, I love how these trash bags always take to Twitter after the show crying foul at how, “y’alls is juuuudddgiiiiinggg meeee!! Yous don’t know meeeee!!!” Yes. Yes, we are.
Wednesdaystreat Said,
Yay! All is right with the world again. Patrick is BACK!

Leah: All that make up makes me SICK! It’s not 1979, first, and second, just stop. I loved how she had to take off a whole day of work to google a lawyer’s name and call her. 5min. at most? Glad Downs Mom can cover her shift at “work.” Disgusting how non-goggles was drinking whatever that was getting it everywhere!

Chelsea: I want to shave her head. Now. And not into leopard print. I agree–she did NOT pass that test. She’d have been all high fiving saying, ‘THAT’S WHAT’S UP!!! I PASSED!!” I hope she doesn’t cave and let Adumb have Aubree overnight. Just imagine it! “Stop putting that fork in the socket, Little Bastard!” Ooops! Oh well. I guess I’ll go find some dudes to work on a truck with. ”

Kail-EWWWWWWWW just EWWWWWWWWWWW.

Jenelle: I think she straight up hates Barb. She didn’t even act like she cared at all when Barb was crying her eyes out when she left. What would she do w/out her??? Ya little bitch! And btw, when is MTV going to put public service announcements about DRUG ABUSE on there along with “Itsyoursexlife.org” and “If you’re in an abusive relationship, call somebody.”
Kortney Said,
JonA, it’s not wrong. I think Corey is sexy as hell and I would love to roll around in the hay with him. It’s just a fantasy though since I am FAITHFULLY married and would never cheat on my hubby. Although, what I think in my mind while with my hubby is nobody’s business but mine. I’m really very good at fantasizing…but that’s a whole other story.

My hubby is very similar to Corey with his redneck personality. We live in the western part of VA (we are about 30 minutes from the WV line). Guys in this area are very loyal to their women and will treat you like gold. All you have to do is be honest, loving, and easy-going. I couldn’t ask for a better husband and would never dream of cheaing, just as I know he would never cheat on me. It’s really very easy to do.
J Said,
@JonA- Chelsea’s look is a midwest thing. You should see these bitches on the campus I’m at. We’ve got a foot of snow and these b!tches are glowing. It’s winter, they’re not fooling anyone. orange stands out so much from the snow. At least if they get stuck in a snowbank, they’ll be easy to find.
heynow221 Said,
I don’t watch this show, however Patrick, I’m very impressed by the cascading collage of images presented above; they truly show the progression of sentiments expressed by that blond girl. Horrahhh!

I keep promising myself i’m NOT GON WATCH THIS SHOW, no matter how f’ing awesome these recaps are. HmMmphm
Ricky Said,
Unseen moments

Dr. Drew. “Chelsea decided to get back into shape” or he said something close to that.

In reality she talked about getting a membership spent an hour dressing up going “80’s style” and did a workout video for what I am guessing was less than 10 minutes. It was knee slapping funny.

Was that scene really that hilarious to make sure it got put in? I hate how MTV scripts that shit. What Dr. Drew should have said was Chelsea is an attention whore and she had this funny idea for the show. Personally I think its terrible but here, you can judge.

And she is still a fat orange
CrackinUp Said,
Firstly, I want to know where exactly in MA Barbs is from?! Im hoping near Southie somewhere:) Also, she needs to get up here soon and re-visit her roots! Im sure there would be a ton of locals williing to eat, drink and be merry with her!!
AmyJo Said,
Haaa……..check out the Unseen Footage – Jo is standing next to a brick wall that says DINK!! Laughing so hard right now…..
KittyKat aka Chelsea's lip herp Said,
I love how the comment blocker posts both of my versions of my commentary AFTER I insult it.
Janet’s ’stache Said,
Yes, Patrick, I DO know it. I know it all too well.
Janet’s ’stache Said,
Ok, brilliant recap as always, but omg, I ‘m sitting here at work, and choking back my laughter. Not just at the recap, but at the creative, and hilarious screen names that people have been coming up with lately. I thought mine was clever, but it pales in comparison to the ones I’ve seen recently! “Jenelle’s Curly Eyebrow”, “Janelle’s Ugly Toes”, “My UTI Smells Like Pickle Juice”….I’m DYING here!! LOVE. IT.

Oh, and thanks, Patrick, for mentioning me in your blog. Intentional or not. Ba da ba ba ba….
donna Said,
i love how kail’accidentally”told jo she loved him.
donna Said,
i cant believe noone mentioned a very pregnant megan watching aubree.
Mmmmmmmmmmmurdith Said,
I’m gonna mark my return to IBBB with a serious confession: my husband and I haven’t had sex in a few months. Should I pull a Leah and have sex with an ex-boyfriend? Crapola, I don’t know how to find an ex-boyfriend. Facebook maybe? Shit. This is gonna be hard. No pun intended. WTF, Leah. Way to set the standard for the rest of us.
West of Virginity Said,
Baby Aubry and Momma Barb are the two smartest characters on this show.

And I just KNEW you would choose Leah’s ugly cry pic for your blog this week!!!

Jenelle dissing the rehab horse really made me want to slap that idiotic li’l bitch silly.
Here for boobs Said,
Savannah Smiles? Circle gets the square? Nenah Cherry? This blog completes me!
Here for boobs Said,
Also? My UTI Smells Like Pickle Juice and West of Virginity KILL me!!!
sizzle Said,
I hope you’ll be as excited as I am that Savannah Smiles are the newest flavor of Girl Scout cookie! Apparently they’re “zesty.” I don’t know what this has to do with Jenelle, but they’re covered in white powder, which should make Kieffah happy.
Jenelle's Dime Bag Said,
glad you are back this week, patrick. missed your recap last week, and i may nor may not forgive you for taking a vacation whilst depriving me of my wednesday laughter.
barb made me sad. she should never be made to cry. i think she needs to be the pb&j in between two slices of patrick and mike to make her feel better. now THAT’S some sexual healing!
kail, jesus……you’re pretty much as big of a whore as leah. i mean you’re obviously BIGGER, but…you know what i mean. its okay with me, you knocking boots with jo will hopefully get janet more camera time. and hey kail, chelsea is into working out, you should get with her to do some chin ups.
kasey Said,
Leah and her mom on the porch cracked me up!
Leah: What’s you doin?
Big Leah: Drinkin coffee. What’s you doin?
Leah. Sittins here.

Do ya’lls have eyes?!

Anyway- does anyone else think that MTV totally forced Janelle to go to rehab ever since she told the Americas via the cameras that she smokes weed every day?

Also, I was incredibly impressed with Barb’s sophisticated drink choice. Red wine… in a wine glass!
H Said,
I remember when that Robbie kid claimed he had sex with Leah before their wedding. For some reason I think he was claiming it was the night before, but I can’t be sure. Anyway, MTV came out and said it was 100% not true and that they were there filming the night he claimed it happened so they were positive it didn’t happen. So here’s my question: Which one is true- was MTV there filming while an underage person was drinking, or weren’t they there and they were just lying to cover up for her? Either way I think it’s totally f*cked up on MTV’s part.
Not Goggles Said,
I’m pretty sure Leah uses a whole thing of eyeliner every time she does her makeup.. She also needs to invest in waterproof mascara. Corey is just dumb, his facial expressions kill me.

Chelsea gets on my gahd damn nerves. She is soooo lazy.

Kail- ew… I can’t wait to see what Jordan says about her smushing Jo.

I’m glad Jenelle is getting some help and giving Barb a break. I love how she said she’s afraid Jace will get more attached to Barb than her.. Uhh too late. That’s the thing about kids, they get attached to those who actually give a sh*t about them.
Not Goggles Said,
I believe 16 and Pregnant is next.. A girl from my hometown is supposed to be in an episode. I can’t wait for that episode/recap
Square Hair Said,
The whole time I was reading this and all of the 70 comments I burst out laughing several times and got side-eyed by my Dad just like Goggles does Leah and Corey…especially when “Jenelle’s Dime Bag” said “and hey kail, chelsea is into working out, you should get with her to do some chin ups.” oooomg haahaha!

I am also loving all of these clever names people are coming up with
Janelle's eyebrows Said,
Thanks for the great recap….I laughed til I cried. Savannah Smiles and Nenah Cherry references? Amazing! I actually named my daughter after that movie. Then found out a few years later the actress who played Savannah died of an OD of heroin. SMH.

Anyone catch the all day rant on Twitter recently from Chelsea’s ex-BFF Megan? Not pregnant Megan. Hilarious. She claims Chelsea takes Adderall constantly and is a bitch to Aubree while on it. It’s totally worth checking out.
donna Said,
i must be the only person here who never saw savannah smiles…so i wiki’d it..
amanda Said,
@Janelle’s eyebrows – if she’s taking Adderall she really has no excuse for not getting her GED yet!

Thanks for the laughs IBBB!
Your left ovary Said,
I never saw Savannah Smiles.
Goggles looks like Corey. Not goggles makes me think of Mac from Mac & Me.

That is all.
mamacourt Said,
When Kail accidentally tells Jo she loves him, he totally gives the side eye straight to the camera (with a little smirk) for like half a second. Did any one catch that?

Savannah Smiles & Buffalo Stance…. GOD, I miss the 80s.
Corey's Boogers Said,
Not goggles = Mac
*DIES*
Claire Said,
I have had the song Buffalo Stance in my head all morning.

I want to start an Emergency Chin Fund for Face-Neck…I mean Kailyn. Side profile shots are not her friend.

Leah proves my theory that so many white trash girls look like birds.

Chelsea. I don’t know what to say.

Janelle is getting boring. The same trashy antics week after week is getting old.
Joe'sHoe's Said,
I wonder if Corey stayed faithful to Lee-ah during the 6 weeks recovery after she shot the twins out of her Western Vagina? Lee-ah couldn’t handle a week!
KittyKat aka Chelsea's lip herp Said,
@joeshoes, I don’t think Leah stayed faithful during her post twin birthin recovery time! She cheated on Corey around that time. And she had a csection, y’all, she probably thought her vagiola was good to go!
Charlene Said,
One of Jennelle’s friends tweeted today that she got to go with Jenelle to see her “sexy lawyer.” I tweeted back asking if this is the same lawyer we’re currently seeing on Teen Mom 2 or someone who is actually sexy. Jenelle replied, “same Sexy lawyer that’s on tv.” For real? Don’t see it.

PS Hi Legend, in case you are reading this. Miss you! xoxo
CJ Said,
I couldn’t beleive it when Leah had to call in to work for a day off (during the one day a week she works, no less) in order for her to make a 5 minute phone call to set up an appointment with a lawyer.
Joe'sHoe's Said,
I love the side eye look Lee-ah is giving cor-ee in the first picture, ha ha!! She KNOWS what rumor he is about to ask!
QueenofCorona Said,
I know its been mentioned before but what was Kail’s “house” before it was her “house”? A bank? A dentist office? A Taco Bell? Her driveway is almost like a drive through window should be there. Jo parks his whip literally 1 foot in front of the door.
QueenofCorona Said,
Also, Cory is no prize but whats the zituation with Leah and Robbie anyway? He looks like all he’d be good for is the role of doing the “Before” shots for a Proactive commercial.
Wednesdaystreat Said,
I had forgotten to mention (don’t I say that every week?) about the porch scene with Leah and Downs Mom. First, who has a full blown COUCH that belongs in a 1965 living room on their porch?? I know, I know. But how NASTY could those cushions be out in the weather??? YUCK!!! And also, the way somebody said that they ask each other obvious questions: THAT stuff makes me KNOW how truly scripted this sh#T is!! I hope!

LOL at QueenofCorona’s questions about Kail’s house!
Kay Said,
And if any of you try to pretend Janet isn’t really Nenah Cherry, 20 years later, you’re sadly mistaken.

Love.

Also? I knew ol’ Jo had to get his love for wanting to be in a video from somewhere. It all makes total sense now.
jen Said,
on the “unseen moments” special jenelle said she’s smoke weed everyday for the past 6 years, right? how old is Jace? can’t be healthy,no?
Adumb's pencil arms Said,
I love you guys. You make me laugh almost as much as Patrick’s blog
26YearOldMom Said,
@Janet’s ’stache- I caught his ‘lil shout out to your. Awesome!
I sincerely hope Jo’s video involves Janet as a fly girl. Knee pads and all. Oh and ps, Jo and Kail flirting was painfully awkward to watch.
Does anyone else think the “source” that told Corey about Leah’s whorebagging was actually mtv producers?
Speaking of whorebagging, my husband and I haven’t had sex in months. So I need to get on this. If 1 week=1 ex boyfriend… I have a lot of catching up to do.
26YearOldMom Said,
Oh yeah! Cheese puffs should be added to Teen Mom bingo. She gave each kid a bowl of cheese puffs when she called the law-yer. Of course the one without goggles washed them down with a bottle of god knows what…but that’s a story for a different game.
BlackholeofSkankdom Said,
Savannah Smiles- because Stockholm Syndrome makes for a great feel-good movie. *sigh* I love the ’80’s!!!
WasteyPants Said,
Patrick, you kill me. “Chelsea still doesn’t have her GED”. lawd. glad I don’t have neighbors within earshot anymore or i def would’ve gotten a disturbance notice last night. also, i found a video of goggles doing a dance on the youtubes. y’all enjoy y’all! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tkjyZHZhokM
West of Virginity Said,
Cheese puffs on the floor make babies learn to walk, so-said Leah’s mother!!

Way to nourish the growing brains & nervous systems, ya’ll
Basement Ceiling Faucet, Ya'll !!!! Said,
I picked up a waiting room copy of “OK” magazine today featuring Leah’s miscarriage on the cover. The article was nice and fluffy, but the best part was the accomanying photos. In one, Goggles was giving an outstanding side-eyes!!!! I had to do a double-take on another–well, triple actually–thought I was looking at a younger Mama Dawn, but it was actually Leah with her eye-makeup scraped off–and craptastically, you could also really “see” that Non-Goggles looks just like Mom and Gramma.

BTW, there was a 1/2 page featuring Jenelle in striped prison clothes due to probation violation & accompanying text says Kail loaned her bail money but the two are no longer friends since Jenelle didn’t pay her back.

Off topic–Corey needs to get his tonsils and adenoids removed so he can get out of the open-mouthed breathing habit.

Watching the unseen moments of the Leah/Corey honeymoon just shows what a good li’l liar Leah is–soooo happy & wouldn’t change a damn thing when a week before she was drunkenly doing it with Robbie.
Natalie Said,
Savannah Smiles was my favorite movie!! I too broke the tape from watching that over and over. Oh Bootsie!

It mad me sad for Jenelle that Barb couldn’t even say I love you bitch when she left. Cold hearted.

Hypercolor! Hells yeah Patrick!
Newbie Said,
This is the best blog ever! And the commenters, wow! Love it!
Your left ovary Said,
I thought it was pretty funny that Leah said she didn’t know if Corey really wanted her. I wanted to yell “He was marrying your illiterate ass, wasn’t he?” And she kept telling her sister that it was going way too fast (moving toward divorce) but it wasn’t half as fast as her panties dropping for every goon in town.
Janelle's Ugly Toes Said,
Basement ceiling you are so right about Corey and his open mouth breathing problem…and he should take Kris Humphries with him…I understand the whole “red neck” tough guy who takes care of his woman thing…but NOT with Corey….to me Corey is just dumb and unable to communicate at all…the fact he thought it was okay for his babies to be in that basement another minute with all that mold made me cringe. He’s a pussy who made Leah do everything.

But still…she is a whore. That’s true also.
Janelle's Ugly Toes Said,
WTF did Corey act surprised for ? Leah had sex with him in his truck the first night they met right after her break up with this guy she keeps going back to….was she NOT a slut that night?
Poor him…she actually gets pregnant. That’ll teach these guys to use protection!! Or Not
Eva Said,
Blog was great as always but the names are the best. West of Virginity, Joes Hoes, Goggles, Non Goggles , talk about creative, and funny…
39 & Not Pregnant Said,
Dear Lord, the names! Not goggles and Basement Ceiling Faucet Y’all made me laugh out loud which is a problem because my kids want to know what is so funny.

The eyes on non goggles after she drank/bathed in whatever dark liquid that was was priceless!

I also loved on the unseen moments when the only way Randy could get Aubree to stop screaming was if he pretended he was putting lipstick on her teeth. I smell a teen mom part deux in another 13 years!
Chelsea's sweatpants Said,
I felt bad for Barb, and stupid Janelle, cold-hearted bitch- her mother is bawling her eyes out and she acts like she could care less..

Kail is sooo boring-I fast forwarded thru her parts…

Janelles ugly toes (love that name btw)-I totally agree about Corey-I can’t believe that he didn’t think that it was a problem that his kids were taking a bath in that nasty old basement! Also his teeth are huge! He needs to go to the dentists office that Leah “works” at and get those things fixed!

And Chelsea- I’m surprised that she actually knew how to write a check!
Chelsea's sweatpants Said,
Oh, one other thing…was it just me or when Leah was on the porch telling her mother that she’s a whore, did her hair look like a terrible wig? Maybe she’s been raiding Chelsea’s closet? or was it just an awful dye job??
Kate Said,
Not just you. I think MTV must have bought some Halloween wigs on clearance because it’s obvious Leah and Chelsea have worn them. Odd how they go out of their way to attempt continuity with their hair, yet in the same episode they showed Jenelle with a bandage on her arm that appears, disappears, and reappears in scenes that were supposed to be filmed the same night. I assume the bandage was from her run-in with the parking lot light (which happened a couple miles from my house) because she somehow injured that same hand in that “accident”, which was long after this season was supposedly filmed. Confirmation they film scenes after the fact, so the wig thing doesn’t surprise me.
Isaac's giant sneakers Said,
OMG BARB IS ON TWITTER!!!!!!! @BabsEvansMTV This is an actual quote from a comment she made to Randilicious, “Has yah daughta been stayin’ away from that friggin’ Adam? She needs a good man like yah in ha life!”!!!! My head just exploded from laughter!! lololol How does she seriously spell like that!
Isaac's giant sneakers Said,
OMG! I am an idiot! This is clearly not her but she is friends with so many real Teen Mom people. This is so funny!
sia Said,
Anyone else notice Chelsea seems like she’s on heavy doses of sedatives whenever she talks? “Au…bree…. Mama’s gonna take the G…….E…..D…….TEST!” …or is it just me who sees this?

Lol, and when she paid Big Poppa the money, “Bye……..money!”

And that voice! Argh. I need to start putting that girl on mute.
2 days worth of Jenelle's unwashed rehab ass Said,
at the 8:38 mark, you can clearly see Chelsea’s hair track in the back of her head. Shit isn’t even covered.

We haven’t seen where Corey has gotten a lawyer, why didn’t they let us see in the text message that he got a lawyer if that’s what he wrote to her in last week’s episode? I think they’re lying about that and are just trying to save face and justify Leah’s reason for filing. I mean, they showed the texts between the two of them when she asked if he loved her anymore and showed where he said “no”, you’d think him announcing to her that he got a lawyer would be an important enough text to show. Something don’t add up right there. And those pics….I’m assuming it hasn’t taken Leah 6 months to see her wedding pictures for the first time. I’m thinking she just wanted to see them again. 6 months to get wedding pics mailed? uh uh. Let this be a lesson to all women and ladies in relationships. Cheating is not worth it, “heat of the moment” is a cop-out, drunk is a cop-out and there are no valid excuses for cheating. Her fuck up ruined what could have been a great marriage. Look where he is now, Corey’s just recently bought a nice looking house, hope Leah isn’t still living in that trailer.

What the hell is wrong with Kail?!!! Selfish, selfish whore. Just tell him what you did and stop beating around the bush. You know what you did, Jo already told the world what you did and Jordan isn’t an idiot. Just the fact that “things went a little too far” was good enough for him to dump you, and good for him! “Good results” she says? wow! I don’t think so. And Jordan doesn’t look like a fool, she does. Her selfish behind lacks empathy and she did NOT just come out and say it. Liar, cheater, deceiver, heart-breaker. SMH. I hope whoever she’s with now (and other future boyfriends) sees this episode and dumps her ass.

Jenelle – Jace is such a cutie, but good lawd who the hell cut his hair and why?!