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Jersey Shore Recap: Let Go, Let God…Let This Series End
I used to really look forward to the night when Jersey Shore was on. Now I give it the classic side-eye like I do when I see “the kids” still trying to pull off the “hipster” look in the poor parts of NYC. Yawn. Either way, I watched it so I’ll write a little ditty about it…just without the rhymes. But how awesome would that be if I rhymed this whole thing? Everyone is still so scriptedly sad that Vinny and his wonktastic eye is still living in Staten Island, as are the people in Staten Island, and even Grandpa Sitch pulled “the dip” and hasn’t been back since (about 2 hours). The Danny Tanner of the T-Shirt Store comes by Pedophile Manor (because the producers called him and made him) to scare the roommates into thinking that he’s going to hire some new T-shirt sellers if they can’t get their sh*t together. Everyone looks scared but mainly because Danny Tanner is the whitest thing in their house, with the exception of that one stray white hair that you totally know has sprouted by VaDeena’s inseam. At no point does Danny Tanner say that they’re going to get a new roommate, but for the remainder of the crapisode they all keep crying and pouting that they don’t want another roommate because they’ll never know what the rest of them went through for the past 5 houses. Really? You mean prospective roommates are sans eyes? Because I’m pretty sure you can watch these episodes to figure it all out. I mean, even if they hadn’t seen it they can sum up 5 seasons by one overarching theme: Y’all Got Herp.
Meanwhile, the girls are planning a surprise party at Karma (puke) for both Pauly D/Ellen Travolta and Grandpa Sitch. They’re in the process of meeting with the guy who gets the strippers, which I’m pretty sure is called a pimp. This guy is great. He’s on camera and asking them what kind of things they want the strippers to do to the guys. If JWoww ShamWow wasn’t talking this guy down a bit he was about one suggestion away from suggesting an abortion being performed on Grandpa Sitch’s bare chest. I can’t wait to see what these “walking itches” look like. P.S., how “over all this” is JWoww? She can give almost as much of a sh*t as I give about this. The only difference is that she’s getting paid for this and I’m doing this as community service. Oh, and she’s orange and I’m as white as VaDeen’s one stray hair. You know the one (insert sidewards winky face).
Even after a call to Debbie Downer’s Vinny’s house, he’s still not ready to come back to Pedo Manor quite yet and won’t be making it to the surprise party. I don’t care. Everyone gets to Karma and then “surprise!” people shoot silly string and feces at the guys because it’s their birthday. I have to be honest, Grandpa Sitch looked relieved that he would be able to sit in a wheelchair for the rest of the night. And now: Enter the Strippers. They are wheeled out in what is supposed to be birthday cakes, but it basically looks like VaDeena’s granny panties wrapped around a steel contraption (like my heart). The strippers bust out of the “cakes” and the guys are squealing with delight. It’s a shame that Valtrex didn’t shoot out of the cakes as well…or at least out of the strippers “gentlemen greeters,” you know, for good measure. Grandpa Sitch seems to be taking a liking to his stripper, who pretty much looks like Natalie Green with a Blair Warner fright-wig on. The party goes off without a hitch (whatever the hell that expression is supposed to mean) and Sitch ends up bringing home his stripper who has a faux-meltdown because she wants new socks to put on. Uh, does she have a new vaginastein to put on because I’m pretty sure the current one is rotten, moldy, and smells like the back of Ronnie’s neck. Alas, they apparently just “cuddle” and in the morning he calls her a cab…and makes her wait outside for it. At least she’ll have some company because Pauly D’s busted chick is out there too. It should be really fun for the neighbors, however, because now they can play “Who’s the Stripper and Who’s the Skank.” This game usually ends in a tie because technically they’re both skanks.
The only part of this episode that was actually kinda funny was when Snooki and VaDeena bought those bunny outfits, humped each other, and then put the costume on later in order to scare the weave off of JWoww. When I heard the laughter coming out of my mouth I immediately rolled my eyes at myself and shouted, “You’re a loser, IBBB.” Moving on. The “next night” a bunch of the crew goes out for a couples night out. This forces VaDeena to flip through the Yellow Pages until she lands on someone who will be her date for the night. All of this was a complete snooze except for the 10 seconds at “da club” when the bouncers are pulling Sammi SweatStains off of some other girl and they’re kicking and screaming on the floor. You can’t see who is who, but in the end they toss Sammi out of “da club” with her extensions scattered to and fro. I was let down that we didn’t see how this fight started, who else was involved, or any other specifics. Ugh, if only there was a camera crew hired to capture these moments. Oh, wait. Fail.
In the end, everyone misses Vinny and his glowing personality so much that they make up t-shirts with the unfunny sayings that Vinny never says, gas up the trucks, and head on out to a horrific place called Staten Island so they can throw a net over his head and bring him back to the Jersey Shore to ride out the rest of their summer…and his legally binding contract. They pound on his door until someone (the camera man on the other side of it) opens the door and they immediately run up stairs (passing the messy patchwork on the walls) to his bedroom. Surprise! You knew they were coming! My favorite part was seeing Vinny’s mom at the end of the hallway looking frightened and like she just got banged in a rusted out dumpster (or Vinny’s bed…wink, wink, elbow nudge, wink, wink). Before Vinny can come back to Pedo Manor he needs to show them the new tattoo he got…directly across his chest…that says…wait for it…wait for it…”Let Go, Let God.” That’s nice. You totally know God was all, “Yeah, no I’m good. Thanks though.” Apparently he’ll only be banging nuns now. Eh, good for him. Hopefully this helps him not be crazy. He ends up packing up his laundry bag and heads back in the van and driving off into the sunset. Not for nothing, but if Vinny suffers from depression, perhaps he should have lived in a home that had windows in it.
Wanna pretend fist-pumping is still funny? Well then join me on my Facebook page and let’s talk about it. Or not.
Craptastic Thoughts from IBBB Readers!
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IBBB Said,
Like this recap? Well then join me on my Facebook page and let’s get to talking!
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Ole!
-IBBB
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Ricky Said,
Great recap but no mention of Deenas wings? I mean everything this fat cow does is for the cameras. Does she think she is a vickkies secret runway model. She is the worst. She is always picking her shorts out of her camel toe and again MTV better step in because she is blowing up like a hot air balloon.
But seriously the wings are the most hideous thing I have ever seen. Its pathetic watching her. Everything she does is to get a reaction. She wants to be a cool kid so badly and trys so hard and it just makes her look more pathetic
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kerry Said,
have we really arrived at the point where mtv shows us snookie being paranoid she’s having a heart attack as entertainment
the only thing that can keep situation *relatively* relevant on this show is to get a girlfriend who will engage in semi-entertaining shenanigans with him to entice us to watch his dusty self.
vinny’s so soft. but i’d still consider cuddling with his sensitive self . . after the std testing of course
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ShannonH Said,
Not to pile more trash on you, but you should also recap JS After Hours. Vinny seriously said he did not wash the sheets after Pauly did that skank in his bed. And to make matters worse, he said he hopes the sticky stuff he laid his head on was hair gel. Even Deena was grossed out and well…. that’s pretty hard to do.
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Kelli Said,
I giggled when I saw Deena wearing a hat that said Dirty.Duh!!!
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Woot Said,
Vadeena is blowing up fast! She’s fatter than me now! Grandpa Stitch bores me now. ugh! OMG my baby daddy Vinny is back. His new tat plus the abs had me going last night. Cry all you want Paula, because Vinny is blowing my back out now! I’m digging the mohawk too! Oh Vinny!
FYI, J-Wow is totally waiting for the craptastic shit to be over. She’s over it as well as the rest of us. I have mad respect for her now.
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Kiera Said,
‘Let Go – Let God’ What????
Alrighty then….
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Janelle's Ugly Toes Said,
Why is Vinnie tatooing an AA saying across his chest? Does he finally realize they are all alcoholics?
What is the arrow in the picture pointing at that chick for? I know I am probably asking a stupid question but I am just curious.
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Tom Said,
Deena is really getting fat and fast. Show of hands who likes her…and her wings. That was beyond awful
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Dana Said,
What’s up with the commenting delay?
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CrackinUp Said,
Vadeena’s booty shorts I think also said “Dirty” accross the ass in bright pink. Talk about stating the obvious! EWWWW.
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Vuuuhhhginya Said,
Vin’s new tattoo is definitely something Rev. Run would say.
I think the reason why Vin loves Pauly so much is because his name is vvveeerryyyyy similar to his mother’s name.
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Dana Said,
The funniest moment for me was when Jenni was making the help wanted sign. Sitch said “see the old man” and she said, “they may think that’s you.” About time they admitted that. And how sad and funny at the same time is it to see Danny impotently trying to be the boss of these goons when they so obviously hold open contempt for him. Jenni sleeps on the job, Sitch escorts the applicants over to the coffee shop for interviews. I guess ol Danny is getting enough free advertisement for she tshirt shop he puts up with it.
And could it be more obvious that Deena is a lesbian? Each episode she tries to kiss/ touch/ make out with/ “do sex” (whatever the f that means you illiterate piece of garbage) with whatever girl is nearby and/or Snooki. She should just come out of the closet already. It’s okay.
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Ibbb4eva Said,
Are there no waxers in jersey because vadeena’s mustache was very noticeable during her confessional – it was like the roommate to replace vinny.
Also, did they cast a new jionni? Or did he just get those shoe lifts to make him look taller?
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Chelsea's Wig Said,
Anybody else notice Grandpa Sitch spraying cologne (probably Axe) down his shorts and up the leg (perhaps to kill the crabs?)
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Dana Said,
Chelsea’s Wig: Yes! I noticed that too!! Ugh, he’s so gross! Between his aerosol Axe, and the aerosol hairspray perma-cloud the girls have in their room, I wouldn’t be surprised to find ground zero for the hole in the ozone layer to be directly above their shore house. And why does he fully dress his skanks before smushing? Seriously, is this a thing people do regularly, or is it a Jersey thing? Cute how she called him out on his socks not matching.
Anyone else have their fingers crossed hoping that the strippers were going to be trannies? “Wizard of A$$” indeed. Great pimp name.
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Dana Said,
Sorry, but I meant to say, instead of Axe, it should be Lysol.
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Dana Said,
I can’t believe I forgot to mention Sammi’s fight at “da club” where she said, “my grandmother Always taught me to, you know, self-defense myself.”
Aaaaaaand! Did anyone notice that the bar for the birthday party was the same one where Jenni peed behind the bar? As soon as they headed up those steps I remembered it because she was wearing high heels and didn’t want to fall and pee on herself. FML that I remember this crap!
Obviously I need to take notes and use said notes whilst commenting so as not to have 800,000 posts like a psychopath. One. Right. After. The. Other. Like I’m the only freak yelling to myself in an empty room. Good grief. Lol
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Chelsea's Wig Said,
LOL @ Dana…yes, Lysol! When I watch this show I can’t help but think that there’s a shortage of antibiotics in the Jersey Shore area…that house and everyone in it is dirty!
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Ivy Said,
What is up with Snooki missing “da club” because she’s so tired after smushing Jionni? Have aliens taken over her brain?
I was impressed with Sammi’s fight at “da club”. She didn’t even bat an eye when the bouncers through her out.
Sitch is so freaking gross at this point. The booze, smoking, tanning, partying and other drugs have NOT treated his skin well. He looks 40. Amazing Pauly is older and tans more, but looks younger than his years.
Good God Deena is a mess. She’s gotten so huge she looks more and more like an overstuffed sausage than ever. How long until she literally bursts out?
JWoww is so over all this and she’s not even hiding it
Good for her for keeping at it because: $$$$$. -
heynow221 Said,
i haven’t gotten thru the whole episode, however i needed to come on here and say that vadeena is reminding me of What Ever Happened to Baby Jane in her confessionals… wtf is up with the clown hair, blue eye shadow and red lipstick?
heeeeeeelp herrrrr -
starshine Said,
I love watching Jersey Shore, it is so hilarious but lately I haven’t been watching it. I had finals and working late at DISH. I was able to use DISH Online to easily catch up right on my computer, on my time. Seeing Sam get in a fight was funny, she is a thick chick. Snooki is freaking a hoot. Honestly if it wasn’t for DISH Online I would have to wait to watch my favorite shows until they came back on. I can’t wait to see tomorrow’s episode.
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Thief Said,
How could you not mention Snooks PISSING ALL OVER THE FLOOR at “da club”?!
