Jan
24

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: I Wonder What They Did With Russell’s Filet?

Posted by IBBB

Read More On: real housewives of beverly hills

rhobh-adrienne-paul-dancing

Well folks, the time has come. We’re ready to give our little Pandorita away to her finance who may or may not have spoken actual words this season. That’s right, the entire episode is basically wedding related. Well, to be truthful it wasn’t all a snooze. I mean, the first 10 minutes consisted of Paul becoming a woman by getting a tube shoved up is bum-bum for a little colonoscopy or “pay back time” as I’m sure the tinsel in Adrienne’s hair likes to call it. It was really fitting because I think we, as “The American’s” feel the same pain and squirming feeling when we have to watch Lisa and Ken pretend they remember that they really do, in fact, have a son. As a sidenote, Max is clearly Scut Farkus from A Christmas Story. Moving right along. Back to Paul’s asshole. For reasons that I can’t seem to understand, Paul is having this procedure done on television because, well, he really is the Katie Couric of our generation. My favorite part, of course, was when Paul beckoned Adrienne into the bathroom to see if she could help give him an enema. Why he’s not getting his jacked up thumb looked at whilst he’s at the hospital is beyond me. #AlwaysGrossesMeOut.

It’s 110 degrees in Beaverly La(t)kes on the day of darling Pandorvakia’s wedding and Kevin Lee’s hair and face is about to melt off. I hope this horrible heat doesn’t frizz out Ken’s hair and he can be the best Don Imus he can be for the remainder of the day. Everything else is running as smoothly as possible. Lisa is having a heart attack because she found a centimeter of tennis court that hasn’t been covered in pink. Perhaps if Kim was there she could have her 3-month-late period in all the spots that aren’t pink. Alas, Kim is nowhere to be found but I think it’s safe to assume that she’s still trapped in the bathroom from last weeks episode and, no, I didn’t recap it so go f*ck yourself. Cheese! I jest, as I am a court jester.

I thought everything during the wedding looked really nice. I hear that $1 million was spent on this event and diamonds and real flowers (pink, of course) were sewn directly into Pandoratzee’s wedding gown and, quite possibly, her vagiola. Sadly not a dime was spent on fixing her Quizzno’s teeth. Lisa is dressed up like a real-life “I Dream of a Bedazzled Jeanie.” She’s sporting a crown that costs more than your dumbest child’s college education/trade school dropout bills. Once Lisa goes back into her genie bottle we should look around to see if we can find out where the hell Brandi is and, more importantly, where we can find Dana. Maybe she’s busy making breadsticks for her next high-society party that takes place in empty rooms without furniture. One may never know. Taylor wasn’t there either and Russell is dead so he couldn’t make it. I hope Jiggy got his filet.

After the Olsen Triplets apply a face full of makeup to all of Pandora the Explorer’s friends it’s time to walk down the aisle and then get to my favorite part of any Housewives episode. The dancing. Me gusta when “the rich” and “the olds” dance their faces off…literally. Paul and Adrienne are definitely my favorite as Adrienne just performs tinsel-inspired spins all whilst throwing her arms up in the arm like your drunken great-aunt does at nearly every wedding and 1st Holy Communion party at the local VFW. You know the one. Paul straightened his bangs for the wedding so I really feel like it threw him off this game a little. Luckily he did what every white man does when he’s dancing while wearing suspenders. He pulls on the them all whilst biting his lip. Seriously, why isn’t there surgeries for people with thumbs like that? Sorry, I got off topic. The dance scene was like a non-stop Where’s Waldo sequence. Luckily I spotted LaToya Jackson dancing within seconds. I can’t even begin to understand the who, what, when, where, and why of that friendship but like Camille’s face full of whore-red makeup in her one-on-one interviews, I’ve given up trying to figure it out.

In the end, that horrific band sings that horrific song while Pandy Pants and her dad slow-grind on the dance floor. They should have just played a recording of Paul farting in the hospital on a loop. All the wedding guests said goodbye to the newlyweds by lighting the same sparklers that they always show on the news duct-taped to mannequins hands right before they blow their heads off just days before the 4th of July as a safety-tips segment. So, yeah, the same ones. Sadly, no one’s head, arms, hands, or faces were on fire and the wedding went off without a hitch. Everyone got together “the next day” at Kyle’s so they could wrap up the season and pretend that Russell wasn’t eating vegetableless pizza in hell, Kim wasn’t putting the fire out in her meth lab, Brandi didn’t hate her kids, Dana wasn’t pointless, Kyle didn’t have man-hands (or “toe fingers” as my sister likes to call them), Adrienne’s face wasn’t getting puffier by the episode, Camille wasn’t about to get the boot from the series, Lisa wasn’t the color of blush, and Taylor wasn’t a grifter.

All in all I’d say this was a good season. We had beatings, suicide, divorce, and drug problems. The only thing that could have made it better was if Brandi got knocked up and Paul performed the abortion and then bought her new boobs as a push-present. See ya.

26 Comments

Craptastic Thoughts from IBBB Readers!

Brenda Walsh Said,
Thanks for recapping this! I actually thought Pandora’s wedding decor was beautiful. Her dress and Lisa’s dress? Not so much. But the flowers and chandeliers and soft lighting were lovely. I thoroughly enjoyed those 3 seconds of Lisa grinding on the tennis court poles, imitating Camille. Hilarious and she looked pretty good too! Don’t get where Kim was-Pandora’s wedding was in August and she didn’t check herself into rehab until December. This was obviously a season finale thrown together at the last minute so they could end on a less-depressing note. Did anyone else get the impression they were mocking Kyle during her little epilogue where they mentioned her book? I sure did and it made me lol.
Brenda Walsh Said,
Oh, and Patrick? Can you find us an image of Paul’s thumb? I’ve never noticed it being wonky before!
Ambuuuh Said,
What is this weirdo thumb you speak of? I have never noticed!

I did love when he was pointing his finger like an orchestra conductor during his symphony of farts. Freakin hilarious.
LisaP Said,
only you, ibbb, would think to give jiggy russell’s filet. only you.

(i also want to see this thumb you speak of).
Darling Nikki Said,
I love how Lisa asked Jiggy where they should have the wedding its like ok why have a wedding planner if Jiggy is just going to tell Lisa where to have it when asked. I still love the fact that Gene Simmons had Dr.Paul on Family Jewels when he was going for a face lift circa 08 or some other trash tastic yr. Alas I will miss our Russell and his side eye youre gonna get it later face. May he eat his vegetable pizza along with Satan.
MJ Said,
This recap is hilarious.

They should have just played a recording of Paul farting in the hospital on a loop.

That made me burst out laughing, thanks.
Leslie Said,
Too bad they didn’t have Taylor offering a toast and dishing out marital advice – or at least how to cover those eventual bruises – while she cried over the microphone and did her Nancy Kerrigan imitation of “Why, why, why?”
Kiera Said,
Kim wasn’t seen because she probably still crawling on all fours looking for random pills around the dance floor.
She' Said,
@Brenda Walsh Lisa grinding up against that pole, turned me on! No wonder she has to literally fight Ken off of her all the time! LOL HOT!!
Odette Said,
Yay for a recap that doesn’t involve exploited kids with no chance at a normal life! In this episode I personally didn’t miss Kim’s stuttering and excuses… she makes me uncomfortable even though I am watching alone in my living room. Question: are Brandi and/or Dana “housewives” or not?

I too noticed that Adrienne’s face is getting mighty puffy. Also, Pandorka’s teeth may be fudged up, but it was still extra annoying that her hair was covering her face on her wedding day. When she came down the stairs to reveal her disney-inspired wedding dress, I spontaneously shouted PULL YOUR HAIR BACK!
Guest Said,
Kyle’s get-together was “three weeks after” Pandy’s wedding, not “the day after”. I’m still a little confused if Russell died before or after the wedding since they didn’t really address it. Why wasn’t Brandi at the wedding(or the final get-together)? And Kim definitely should have been there since this was months before she went to rehab. Are Brandi and Dana not coming back next season? And who were those ugly little flower girls? So many unanswered questions! Looking forward to the reunion…heard it gets pretty bad, and I think it’s gonna go down with Lisa and Adrienne!
Janet's 'stache Said,
I read a statement put out by Cedric where he claims that Ken has had tons of affairs. I really hope and pray that isn’t true. Ken seems so devoted, and Lisa has said that she’s only joking when she talks about the sex only once a year thing. I sure hope there isn’t any validity to Cedric the trash bag’s words.
Paul's fart Said,
I wanna see the thumb, I never noticed it! And “toe fingers”? LMAO!!!
Gary's Huge Belly Said,
Janet’s .. I would not believe one word Cedric says…remember all his bullshit story about being an orphan in France? He just wants attention and is mad he didn’t get more money outta Lisa and Ken.

Maybe Kim was packing and couldn’t make the wedding.

I won’t miss seeing Taylor whine every week….god she is ANNOYING

Great recap…pic of the finger please….

The farting scene was hilarious…I like Paul…he’s funny
Guest Said,
Janet, I’m sure Cedric was paid to give a “story” on Lisa and Ken. I wouldn’t trust anything out of his mouth. Lisa seems VERY secure with her relationship with Ken, so let’s hope that’s not true.

Paul is awesome. I can’t imagine too many doctors out there would want their colonoscopy on tv, but he and Adrienne took it all in stride. They should give Paul his own show! Actually, Mauricio and Ken are really cool too… maybe the Real Husbands of Bev Hills??? I love RHOBH, but I could do with less Kim, Taylor, Dana, Kyle’s constant crying…
lav Said,
i’m pretty sure the wedding was about a week after russell dirt napped himself. awkward!
Kat79 Said,
Damnit Lisa talking about Ken walking Pandora down the aisle made me cry. And this show isn’t supposed to do that. Maybe it was all the dust in here yeah that’s it.
liese Said,
This epidsode made me cry too. I will miss my hour a week with these slores. I will never love those poor OC housewives like I do the BH bitches.

Who the eff is Dana and why did she get a second of air time? She belongs in the nouveau riche subdivision of whence she came.
Brenda Walsh Said,
I am pretty sure Russell’s body was found on August 16th and the wedding was August 27th. So just over a week between the two. Awkward!
Ivy Said,
I thought Pandora looked beautiful in her wedding dress….Don’t know why her mother had to wear a tiara (?)

Odette: Brandi and Dana are not full-time housewives, their official “titles” are “Friend(s) of the Housewives”. No one will know until around March on who will come back.
kasey Said,
Is it me or did Panda Pump lose some serious weight for the wedding?
Lisa's Tiara Said,
Ivy, Lisa said on Watch What Happens Liv e that Pandora bought her the tiara and asked her to wear it. I guess some people gave Lisa some slack for it(at the wedding and the Reunion taping), but Lisa said her daughter wanted her to wear it, so she did.

Kasey, I don’t think Pandy lost that much weight, if at all. I kept thinking how thick her arms looked…
heynow221 Said,
Pandora is ugly, her man cheats on her. That’s the impression that I get, for some reason.

Camille, seriously considering to convert to judaism because you “like the fact that they wear yarmulkes” is dumb. shush, girl.

I seriously LOATHE Taylor. Your freakin husband just off’d himself and you’re sitting at a party commenting on Camille’s man’s abs, drinking wine, and trying on shoes? You dumb, fake, LOSER. I truly hope she’s not on the show next season.

Lisa Vandy is a knockout, love her. Her son’s presence, however, makes me sad and confused.

Adrienne hates her husband so much, tee hee.

great season y’all! xoxo
Cara Said,
I was actually shocked that they only spent $6k on Pandora’s wedding dress. It wasn’t that pretty compared to the rest of the wedding.
VanderPUMPED Said,
@ Leslie – Taylor IS Nancy Kerrigan!!! Love it!!
Yasmeen Said,
Love the Quiznos reference…you have to be talking about that rat thing in the commercial back in the day….awesommmmeee.. I also agree, they just don’t love that adopted son, like Pandora. They don’t mean to ignore him but they do. Womp. Lisa is awesome but I though her dress looked cheap..Pandora should have knocked off ten more pounds. Yes, I said it….